M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 6, Episode 21 - Temporary Duty - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

So it'll be
an even horse trade.

The 8063 will send over their
chest cutter and a nurse

to observe our methods
while you two

sniff around their
ballpark for a week.

Pierce, are you
listening to me?

I'm all ears, Colonel.

You're all eyes,
Captain.

That's 'cause you're
all there, Lieutenant.

Down, Rover, and listen up.

Now, the C.O. of the 8063



is a guy I served with
in Europe.

His name's Wheatley, and he's
a stickler for regulations,

especially hair length.

We used to call him
"Old Whitewalls."

I'll pin my hair under my hat.

You better cut those sideburns.

I know these temporary
switcheroos

are a royal pain
in the saddle blanket.

Why don't we just stay
home tonight?

You slip into
something comfortable,

and I'll jump in after ya.

I'd love to, Pierce,
but in the long run,

this program will be a big
help to all the MASHs.

It's just that with
new people coming in,



you never know what to expect.

Well, do you know
who they're sending?

I don't know
about the nurse

but the surgeon is
a guy named Dupree.

He's supposed to be
a whiz with the knife.

Yeah, but can he
mambo like me?

All right. Just soak
in as much information

as you can
while you're there.

-We'll be fine.
-Oh, we'll be fine.

There's a jeep waiting
for you outside.

I thought we were
going by Pullman car.

Pierce, good luck,
and watch out for
Colonel Wheatley.

Bigelow, good luck,

and watch out
for Captain Pierce.

B.J.: A little
to the left, dear.

If I move it to the left,

it will not be pointing
toward Boston.

What difference
does it make?

Nobody's going
to Boston anyway.

Just knowing where it is
is a great comfort to me.

I'd like to go to Boston

and visit all those
historic sites.

You know: Concord,
Bunker Hill, the Red Sox.

[chuckling] Oh! Sometimes you
say the most amusing things,

even if you don't realize it.

Why, Charles,
we are in a jovial mood
today, aren't we?

Our jovial mood is
directly due to the fact

that your partner
in perversion

left this camp
exactly 57 minutes ago.

That gives me 167 hours
and three minutes

without the displeasure
of Pierce's company.

The very prospect of it

makes me ecstatic
with anticipation.

Yeehaw!

Gesundheit.

End of the line, little lady.

You bet it is, partner.

B.J.:
Howdy there, cowboy.

Howdy. The name's Dupree,

Roy Dupree, from the 8063.

See? It sort of rhymes.

[chuckles]
We've been expecting you.

Hunnicutt's my name.
Call me B.J.

This is Corporal O'Reilly,
our company clerk.

Yeah. You can call me Radar.
Sorry. I don't rhyme.

Ahem. Ahem.

Oh. Well, tie me to a anthill
and smear my ears with jam.

Where are my manners?

J.B., Radar,

I want y'all to meet
the prettiest little filly

to ever suture a belly wound:
Captain Lo-rain Anderson.

Sometimes it's
pronounced Lorraine.

Sometimes mine's
pronounced "B.J."

[chuckle]

ROY: How you do there,
big fella?

I do very well, thank you.

Charles Emerson Winchester
at your service.

How do you do?
I'm Captain Anderson.

Lorraine.
Yes, I heard.

No. Permit me.

Where should I bring the
captain's bags, sir?

Put 'em in the Swamp, Radar.

Roy'll bunk with us.
How 'bout some coffee?

Thank you kindly, J. J.

Oh, where would I find
Margaret Houlihan?

Do you know the major?

Oh, she and I go back

longer than either of us
care to admit.

Looking at you, that still
can't be very far.

Well... thank you.

You'll find Major Houlihan
in the lab. It's over there.

-Surprise!
-Ow! You idiot!

Lorraine!
I can't believe it!

-It's been so long!
Fort Benning.
-What are you doing here?

-Three years!
-Three years.

Let me look at you.
Let me look.

Oh, my gosh.
Look how thin you are!

Bad food and hard work.

I thought
you were in Hawaii.

I guess they figured I'd
had enough of paradise.

I've been with
the 8063rd for a month.

Oh, my God!
This is so terrific!

Ah. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

-What? What?
-It's closed up.

-What?
-The earlobe.

Let me see. Let me see.

You remember when we got
our ears pierced?

Two 15-year-old army brats
piercing their ears.

Melted down my father's
medals to make earrings.

Ha ha! Was he furious!

Can you blame him?
His best days in the army,

dangling from our earlobes?

-So, how've you been?
You happy?
-Ohh.

-You're married?
-Yeah.

Well, how is it?

Not so good.

Ohh. Well, tell me about it.

Donald is gorgeous
and brilliant,

and he's gonna be a general.

We could have
so much together,

but he's in Tokyo.

And it's very hard
to squeeze a marriage

through a tiny little
telephone wire.

Hey, this war isn't
gonna last forever.

It already has.

Ah. Listen.

The terrible twins
are together again.

Now here's the plan.

-Ahem.
-Uh-oh.

-We re-pierce our ears.
-I knew it.

And go find your colonel
and melt down all his medals!

[both laughing]

Ooh-whoo! Well, strap
my face to the side

of a pig and roll
me in the mud.

If this ain't
the dandiest "de-core."

We call it
junkyard provincial.

We had the Bowery Boys
in to decorate.

I'm gonna fit in here
real fine.

Well, I see Hoot Gibson
has taken up residence.

Charles, you're just
in time for a drink

to celebrate the arrival
of our new Swamp rat.

-Hip-hip.
-Hey there, Chuckwagon.

We never did meet
proper-like.

Roy Dupree
from the 8063. See?

Yes, I know. It rhymes. I--

Dupree, I heard.
Let me be brutally candid.

I find your sense
of humor mawkish

and your personality boorish,
to say the least.

I appreciate your opinion,
good buddy,

but it don't change my mind.
I still like ya.

Good Lord.
He means it.

-Gentlemen, how 'bout a toast?
-That's a good idea.

Uh, here's to the three of us.

We're gonna have more fun

than a mosquito
in a blood bank!

The cruelties of war
continue to amaze me.

Why don't you boys put
some whiskey in this punch?

You were a fire-eater
before you were a doctor.

Shoot. Down home,

my mama'd sprinkle this stuff
on her ironing board.

Here. Have mine.

Where did you get your
medical degree, Dupree?

Yes, I know. It rhymes.

University of Arkansas, '44.

Soueee, pig!

Gee, I'll bet you were
top bumpkin in your class.

I love the way this boy
tugs at my leg.

Lot of bulldog in you.
I bet you went to Yale.

Harvard!
Harvard.

Here. Try this
on your ironing board.

Why don't you ask me
to do something hard?

Where'd you boys get
this iced tea, anyway?

Right over there
in the still of the night.

Well, Lord,
would you look at that!

Now, that reminds me
of home.

Your design's all right,
but your engineering's
all wrong.

Looky here, B.G.
You got your coil wound
too tight here.

No wonder this
stuff's got the kick

of a 90-year-old chorus girl.

Careful, Roy.
That coil might break.

Oh. I'm sorry, B.G.

-J.
-Let me fix it for ya, J.G.

Boors of a feather should
bunk together, I always say.

MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.

Choppers arriving.
Incoming wounded.

All medical teams to O.R.

Hot damn! It rains
here too, don't it?

Come on, boys.
Let's go to work.

B.J.: Roy, do us a favor.

Don't try to
straighten out any colons.

This old boy's all right.
Get him to post-op.

POTTER: More suction here.
I can't see.

B.J.: Need any help?

ROY: Let me.
I got a free hand here.

The price is right.
I'll take it.
Partial hepatectomy.

Caught enough shrapnel
to make chopped liver.

Yeah, but that ain't where
all the blood's comin' from.

No. There's an arterial
bleeder under the liver,

but I can't get both hands
in there to tie it off.

You got any 3.0 silk?

Now you just watch
this, Colonel.

This is no time to practice
up on slipknots, Captain.

I'm gonna lasso that sucker
and tie him off neater

than a runaway calf
at brandin' time.

-Retractor.
-I gotta get under there.

That's it. Suction.

Long clamp.

Ride 'em, cowboy,
cowboy.

I cannot wait
for his last roundup.

Gotta hand it to you, Dupree.
You know your beeswax.

You're just what
the doctor ordered.

You see, Captain?
Severe kidney damage.

But we found if we can
save the lower pole,

he should have fairly
normal function.

-You do marvelous work.
-Yeah. I just love
playing doctor.

While you're playing,
Hunnicutt,

do explain to her that
the ureter is the key.

If that is not salvageable,
you can write off
the entire kidney.

He seems very sure
of himself.

-Oh, yes.
-I like that.

Captain Anderson, I'm about
to save this boy's leg

with a very delicate
arterial transplant.

Care to be fascinated?

-I'd love to. Excuse me.
-Scalpel.

It's time to give up
the theater.

They're starting
to walk out on me.

No, no, no, my dear.
You-- You come closer.

Good. All right.
Hold the clamp
exactly like that.

And now, in the center ring,

Major Charles Emerson Winchester
and his performing ego.

-Very skillful, Doctor.
-And you're very
observant, Captain.

What are you doing
after the operation?

What did you have in mind?

Well, I thought
we'd avoid the mess tent

and have dinner together.

I'm sure I can scrape up
potluck from my larder,

if, of course you don't mind
having red wine with the squab.

-You're unbelievable.
-That's right.

Hey, you two. No hand-holding
in the abdominal cavity.

Yes, and can we please
keep the conversation
on a professional level?

-That'd be a first.
-Come on. We always
talk professional.

"Clamp." "Sponge."
"Shower cap." "Rubber duck."

I just love the way
y'all josh around. Damn.

This is more fun
than skinny-dippin'

in a creek with
the Pittman sisters.

Captain Dupree,
there are ladies present.

-And accounted for?
-Not since last year.

-Oh?
-[both chuckle]

Excuse me, but this
is an operating room

and not the back
of a school bus.

Come on. We were just
making conversation, Margaret.

It's "Major," Captain.

You're distracting the doctor.

Not at all. The doctor's
doing very well, Margaret.

Captain Anderson,
if you don't mind,

I'd like to speak with you
after this session.

Come off it, Major.
We were just--

After the session.

Ooh-whee! I do love
women with spunk!

What was all that about?

That's what I was
gonna ask you.

Are you telling me I did
something wrong in there?

Surgery is not
a sexual sandbox.

What are you saying?

That's the way
it always is in there.

Flirting is just a way
of killing time.

Listen, Lorraine.

I'm head nurse,
and I'm here to see

that nothing gets killed,
including time.

All right, Major.

Just a minute, Lorraine.

You've changed a little,
you know?

Hey, spitfire, you sure
kicked up a lot of dust
in there.

-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah. But I do love
a woman with spunk.

Why don't you go sit
on a steer's horn?

Well, maybe not
that much spunk.

So we're sitting at Gilhooly's
having our 10th nightcap

and holding off
two persistent interns.

Well, suddenly
Margaret realizes

that we have a microbiology
exam in three hours.

Uh, we knew we were
in big trouble,

but we raced home
and made up crib notes

and stuffed them in our bra.

-I'm sorry, Father.
-That's all right.

I'm glad Hawkeye isn't here.
He'd do 20 minutes on that.

Well, the exam
had 500 questions.

Wow. That's 250 answers per bra.

Don't you dare say
"Sorry, Father."

You can guess
how many times

we asked to be excused
from the classroom.

Lorraine, must you go
into every detail?

Come now, Margaret.

Everyone has a little
scarlet in their past.

-Go on, Lorraine.
-Well, finally,

the instructor got wise,

and she wouldn't
let us leave anymore.

But by that time,
we had to go for real.

I never wrote so fast
in all my life.

And you should've
seen Margaret

hopping around
on one foot.

Really? Margaret?

Where did you find this girl?
She's just delightful.

I'm glad you like her.

What's wrong with her?

I thought maybe
you'd know.

Sorry, Tex. All out
of beef jerky today.

Hey, come on. You've
been laughin' at me

since you got here.
Cut it out, will you?

People are starting
to talk.

Well, you look so darn
ridiculous in that getup.

Ridiculous?
The pearls too much?

Look, cowboy, call me
"wacko," "8-ball,"

"loco," and even "crazy,"

but don't laugh
at my Bonwit Teller.

I can't help it.
You're so funny-lookin'.

Oh, yeah?

Well, take a few
shingles of that

and that.

I wanna hear you
laugh after this.

Ha ha ha ha ha! Next!

Mind if I join y'all?

Here. Take our seats.
We were just leaving.

Weren't we, my dear?

You will excuse me, gentlemen.

I have to be around him
all the time.

Well, you certainly must
like bad food, son.

Are you kiddin'?
This is A-1 prime chow.

Now, if you wanna
choke on your cud,

try eatin' over at the 8063.
Boy, that is bad.

I guess Hawkeye must be
just eatin' his heart out.

Hey, B.B.

Now I was thinkin'.

We could put up some hides

and a couple of shrunken
heads I got

and that old Swamp'd
take shape, you'll see.

Roy, you got a real flair,
but you're only gonna be

around here
for a couple days.

Hey, now. Just stay up
in the saddle there a sec.

I like it fine around here,

and I intend
to ask the colonel

to let me stay
on permanent.

Permanent, as in forever?

Yeah. We'll have
a big ol' time.

Partyin' every night.

And when I party,
I party hearty.

Well, you know, Roy,
we kind of like

our peace and
quiet around here too.

Oh, I get it.

Father, now, you ought
to ease up on these boys.

-Hey, Roy...
-Hold it, B.B.

"Padree," like the next man,

I believe
in a little religion,

but I also believe in a lot
of good, clean, dirty fun.

I'll forgive you
for what you just said,

but then, I'm in
the forgiving business.

-Hey, Father. I--
-Now, if you'll excuse me.

Roy, why don't you give
your mouth a day of rest?

I didn't mean nothin' by that.

-Father.
-MULCAHY: Colonel.

Hey! Colonel Potter!

Excuse me, B.B.

B.J. B.J.

-Colonel Potter, sir.
-You hooted, Captain?

Uh, yes, sir. You know,
I was thinkin' that the 4077's

just about the friendliest
MASH unit I ever seen.

I mean, good chow,
good working conditions,

and the nurses,
they're something special.

You headed somewhere
with this or just grazin'?

Well, sir, I was just
wonderin' if you could use

another hired hand
around here, that's all.

You mean
a permanent transfer?

It'd make me happier than
a cow with a bellyful of calf.

Well, why not?
I like your style,

and we can always use
another chest cutter.

I'll see what I can do.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you kindly.

Yee-haw!
I found myself a home.

Can you imagine
what it's gonna be like

if Potter arranges
that transfer?

It'll be like living
in a prairie purgatory.

ROY: ♪ I'm back in
the saddle again ♪

♪♪ [singing continues]

Sounds like our boy
has discovered Rosie's bar.

Hey!

How's my old Swamp buddies?

Ah, how you doin' there,
B.J.?

Ha. Fooled ya, didn't I?

Hey, how come you can't have
a name like everybody else?

Now, you take
ol' Chuckwagon here.

Come on, Slop-along.

Time for you
to drawl into bed.

-There we go.
-Hey, you know,

I used to ride my daddy's
ponies like this back home.

-Oh, did you, now?
-Get along, horsie!

Likes horses, does he?

Hunnicutt, is it your turn to
take Sophie for a walk or mine?

-Sophie?
-Mm. [imitates hoofbeats]

[neigh-like]
R-i-i-ight. Right.

-I think it's mine.
-Darn.

Hey. Who's Sophie?
What's she look like?

Oh, about 6'8",
hairy legs,

longest nose
you've ever seen.

You mean that guy
in the dress?

Not Klinger. No.
This is the company horse.

You boys got a horse
here in the compound?

Sort of the camp mascot.
Do you ride?

Why, I was ridin' bareback
before I could even speak.

Hey, what do you say?
Can I... Can I ride her?

It's all right with me.
What do you think, Charles?

Well, all right.

-But just this once.
-Hey, let me at her!

The stable's right
behind the motor pool.

Gotcha!

Right behind the motor pool!

Yahoo!
Did he fall for that!

Not as hard as Potter's
gonna fall on him.

Oh, Charles,
you're beautiful.

Where'd you learn to be
so sneaky and underhanded?

From you and Pierce.

It's the sole area in
which both of you excel.

-You're too kind.
-Not at all.

-After you.
-As it should be.

I thought you'd be happier
in the nurses' tent.

Oh, yeah? Kind of you.

Perhaps I would be.

I wanna know one thing
before I go.

What happened to your ears?

What?

You used to have
pierced ears.

Now they're closed over.
You're all closed over.

There's not an open spot
anywhere on you.

-What happened to you?
-Do you mean,

why don't I act childish
and undignified and silly?

Why don't you have fun?

I'm not here to have fun!

I'm head nurse.
I've got responsibilities.

Damn it! A lot of people
depend on me!

Do you know how hard
that is to live up to?

Margaret,
do you hear yourself?

You sound like one
of those rigid, sour,

old nurses we used
to make fun of.

All right.
I've said enough. I'll go.

Wait a minute.

I'd like to tell you
something.

When you first got here,

it was like looking
at a picture of us

in a family album.

I loved you.

And then later, I hated you.

For God's sakes. Why?

Because you're still
as free and open

as we both were then,
and I'm not.

No, you're not.
What happened?

I don't know.

One night, I was at a party
drinking and dancing

and the next morning,
I was in a war in charge

of 10 nurses,
and the party was over.

I was afraid if
I didn't get tough,
they'd get soft.

You mean you were
just plain afraid.

Maybe I was.
I guess so, yes.

Margaret, you can't
let this happen to you.

You can't let "Major Houlihan"
take over your whole life.

That khaki's got
to come off at night.

I don't know any other way
anymore. It's been too long.

Why don't you just try
letting your hair down

with your friends
now and then?

I don't have
any friends here.

What about your husband?
Isn't he a friend?

A friend?
He's barely a husband.

You know what I was
thinking the other night?

That he's more like
a toy soldier I play
with sometime.

The worst of it is
there's nobody I can
tell that to.

Sure there is.

You have a whole camp
of people out there,

if you'll just let them in.

It isn't that easy.

Margaret,
you make it difficult.

You try so hard
to be perfect,

you make it impossible
for anyone to please you.

Why don't you ease up a little,
let people know you're human?

Let 'em know
what I've always known,

what a... a warm, caring
person you really are.

Yee-haw!
Come on, Sophie!

Ride 'em, cowboy!

Get along, little doggie!
Get along!

Come on!
Get up, girl! Whoo!

Giddyap! Giddyap, Sophie!
Me and you! Come on! Giddyap!

What the hell's goin'
on out here?

Ride 'em, cowboy!

What's that idiot
doin' on my Sophie?

Taking a moonlight ride.

-Dupree!
-That's me! Ha!

Come on, Sophie!

Dismount that animal
immediately. That's an order.

[all laughing]

Good girl, Sophie.

I'm sorry.
This wasn't my idea.

Rough and ready to
go again, Colonel!

Load her up in the chute!

Dupree, I don't
ever wanna see you

around this horse
or my camp again.

In fact, this war
ain't big enough
for the two of us.

Come on, Soph.
You can step on his hat
if you want to.

Hey, Roy, ol' partner.

Oh-ee.

[laughing]

Did I do something wrong?

-No. Not at all.
-You were perfect.

Oh, well, this is it.

Ahh.

-I love you, you know?
-I know.

How was I supposed to know
it was the colonel's horse?

It's a gol-durn shame,
ain't it?

Colonel said you'd better
be out of town by sundown.

My head's the size
of a blue-ribbon hog.

Lorraine, here.
Let me carry your
luggage for you.

Why, thank you.
Always a gentleman.

I've been saving an old
bottle of Beaujolais

for a special occasion.

Perhaps we could share it
to wish you a bon voyage?

Charles,
I'd love to, but, uh,

somebody has to
drive this thing.

I've enjoyed
our time together.

So have I. You are
certainly one of a kind.

Yes. I... Thank you.
I ha...

Thank you.

-Have a safe trip.
-Don't worry about me.

With Roy along, it's the
Chinese that are in trouble.

Ready to ride,
Paul Revere?

You want me to drive?

Mmm, no. You just
watch out for redcoats.

-Good-bye, everybody.
-CHARLES: Good-bye.

-See you soon, Margaret.
-Yeah, you bet.

Yahoo! It's through!
Rhymes.

Where are you going?

Who are you talking to?

Well, the two of you.
Where are you going?

Oh, I don't know.

I've got a letter from Peg
I've only read twice.

I was going in the Swamp
and revel in the quiet.

How 'bout a cup of coffee
in the mess tent?

I'm buying.

Sure, Margaret. Sounds fine.

Good.

-I thought maybe
we could talk.
-Talk?

-Yeah. Just talk.
-Sure. Talk.

-Right, Charles?
-Right. Talk.

Thanks.

I knew it.
Turn my back for a week,

and the help is into
the cooking sherry.

-Welcome back, stranger.
-Pierce, do sit down.

Regale us with tales of your
adventures of the 8063rd.

Yeah. How'd it go?

-They hated me.
-Huh. Really?

The doctors,
the nurses, everybody.

-Aw.
-Kept telling me I was dull.

They said you guys got
the better part of the deal.

-The guy was fantastic.
-Hated to see him go.

-Oh, yeah?
-No offense.

No, no, no, no.

We're kind of sorry
you're back.

Oh. [chuckles]
Thanks a lot.

Pierce,

I never thought
the day would come

when I would admit this...

but, God, I missed you!

♪♪ [theme]