M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 6, Episode 20 - Mail Call Three - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

-[horn honking]
-Mail! Mail!

The mail's here!

RADAR: Hold it,
guys, hold it.

Come on. Hey,
let me through here.

Come on, come on, you guys.

This is government property.
Hold it, just hold it, will ya?

Where ya been, Kelsey?
We ain't had mail
in three weeks.

Oh, write
your congressman.

By the time he gets it,
he'll be out of office.

Just sign it.



Look out, look out, will ya?
Give a serviceman a break.

Come on, Klinger, get down!

I ain't heard from
my wife in two months!

It's drivin' me crazy!

Listen, when I sort it,
you'll get it.

All right, you heard him.

When he sorts it,
you'll get it.

Now move back,
everybody. Stop.

-Gimme that, Radar.
-Hey, come on, hands off.

Hands off, Klinger.
Come on.

Don't torture me. Two months
I haven't heard from her,

and I want to know why.

-Hey, hey!
-I'm picking up her scent.

It always hits me
like a wrecking ball.



-Laverne, come out!
-Stop that!

Radar, please.
My wife's in there.

Absolutely no.
Sniffin' the mail. Holy cow.

Oh, oh, come on.

This is how we get camels
to stand up in the desert.

My uncle Ed used to do that.
He was-- Ow-- Give me--

-Ah-ha!
-You dirty guy.

Gin.

I'm not playing
with him anymore.

Too quick for me.

Blitz you, my son.

Mail's sorted.

Ah, the Shetland Pony Express.

You want yours here,
Father,

or in your tent
when you're there?

Here'll be fine.
It's traveled far enough.

Ah, a short note from my
sister in the convent.

Oh, a nun-o-gram.

Captain Hunnicutt,
Captain Hunnicutt,

Captain Hunnicutt.

-Those are for me.
-Ah.

You got a magazine
and two letters.

Oh, great. The bonus
issue of Nudesweek.

This is the one
where they announce

the all-star volleyball team.

I voted for Ilsa
the Magnificent.

I love to watch her spike.

Dibs after you, sir.

See me next month.

Right. Uh, two letters
for Major Winchester

and one
for "Master Charles."

From his mother.
Probably his allowance.

Hear, hear!

Good news for Our Lady
of Hermosa basketball team.

A 7-foot-tall novice.

She can wear the hoop
as a halo.

Uh, Corporal.

Oh, sorry, sir.
Here's your mail.

Unopened, I trust.

Of course, sir.

I wouldn't
touch your allowance.

Beej, you remember last month
when I got two letters

for some other guy
named Benjamin Pierce?

Greatest love letters
I've ever read.

Here's another.

There are two of you, Pierce?

God help us all.

Is it from Gloria
or Joyce?

-Susan.
-Another one?

This guy probably joined
the war to get some sleep.

[chuckles]

Nibbling on her shoulder
blades in an avocado grove,

and at harvest time.

Huh.

She's turning me
into guacamole.

-I shouldn't be
listening to this.
-Neither should I.

"I can still feel
your hot breath

on the nape of my neck."

I'll be moseying
along now.

CHARLES: Say hello
to my friends

on the outside,
will you?

Oh, here's the best part.

If I yawn,
it's only in anticipation.

Fine. I'll read it to B.J.

Oh, damn!

Okay. I'll read it
to myself.

Look what happens
when a man's

-forced away from his home.
-What? What?

Ah, Peg became a plumber
for the first time.

Tried to fix the sink.

She now has a flooded
kitchen and a cold.

-Wait a minute.
-What, what, what?

Went to a neighborhood party,

and one of our good neighbors
made a pass at her.

How did she handle it?

She thought it was funny.
Ha ha.

Sounds like she
handled it very well.

God, I wish I were home.

None of this would have
happened if I'd been there.

Beej, aside
from a damp kitchen,

she's taking care of things.

Yeah, well,
she shouldn't have to.

What am I doing here?

[laughing]

You find that funny, Charles?

Certainly not.

At least I have received
some good news. Do you mind?

Forty percent of the
Missouri sorghum crop

was destroyed by hail.
Ho ho ho!

Best news I've heard today.

No,
you don't understand.

I'm heavily invested
in Canadian sorghum.

People wiped out,
and all you can
think of is yourself.

They have their interests.
I have mine.

What am I doing here?

[jet passing overhead]

Got some new snapshots of
my grandson Corey. Wanna peek?

-Oh, yeah, sure, sir.
-Here he is in the sandbox.

Of course,
you can't see him.

He just threw sand
in the lens.

Here's one of him and his
little friends on the swings.

The blur in the middle
is him.

Boy, that Mildred
is some photographer.

Yeah, he looks a lot
like you, sir.

Radar, you can't even
see him in any of these.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll look again, sir.

What's the matter?

Um, uh, it's personal.

Oh, in that case, it's
none of my business.

My mom's got a boyfriend.

She does? Well,
what's wrong with that?

Poor woman's been
alone a long time.

Might be good for her.

Well, she's got my
uncle Ed, though.

-Colonel, I've got
to talk to you.
-Later.

I'm destroyed.

My world has collapsed.
My life is over.

Klinger, right now I need you
like a double hernia.

Laverne wants a divorce.
She wants to divorce me.

Didn't we go through
this routine before?

Oh, yeah. The week after
the Toledo scarlet fever
epidemic.

Where you goin', son?

Oh, you're busy, sir.

We'll talk about it
later, okay?

Colonel,
in a family crisis,

the Red Cross can fix it
for me to go home

if you'll sign the papers.

No! And don't
bug the Red Cross.

They got enough trouble with
their bologna sandwiches.

But you don't understand.

Klinger, I understand
only too well.

And this one isn't
even original. Blow!

Colonel, you've got
to help me out.

Okay, here. Put one foot
after the other,

and you're out.

- Major.
- Major.

Have you seen
my tortoise pen?

-My tortoise shell
fountain pen?
- No.

I won it in a debate.

"Should the U.S. permit
more liberal immigration?"

-I, of course,
took the negative.
-Ohh.

My family has had
problems with immigrants

ever since we came
to America.

Aha, found it.

Oh, thank goodness,
my nib is intact.

Fine. I'm very happy for you.
Now please leave.

My, my, something
certainly has you upset.

Look, Your Nibs,
I'm very busy.

I hope
it's nothing I've done.

No, it's a family matter.

-Oh, would you like
to talk about it?
-No.

Margaret, I'm really
interested in your welfare.

Share your troubles.
It might help.

Sometimes getting it
off your chest can be--

All right, all right.

I got a letter
from my mother-in-law.

-Uh-huh.
-She still addresses me
by my maiden name.

How rude.

She refuses to
acknowledge our marriage.

Unforgivable.

She writes Donald constantly,
recommending good lawyers.

She loves to drop in
little phrases

like "two different worlds"
and "one's own kind."

Yes,
I'm familiar with those.

But now this.
Donald put me up

for an associate membership
in the D.A.R.,

and she blackballed me.

-Well, that's understandable.
-What?

Margaret, the D.A.R.
has standards to maintain.

They can't let just
anybody in.

Besides, you wouldn't
be happy there.

People standing around

talking about things
you wouldn't understand

-and ignoring you
in the process.
-Is that so?

Margaret, people
like we Winchesters
and the Penobscotts

must constantly be on guard
to maintain the integrity of,

how shall I say, the breed.

What am I, half schnauzer,
half airedale?

Now, now, dear.

Inherited characteristics
are extremely important,

and the bloodline
is the key.

Most assuredly you are good
breeding stock, wide pelvis.

-Ooh. Good bones.
-Out!

-Firm muscle tone.
-Out!

-Excellent reflexes.
-Out!

Will you excuse me?

No pies for you,
and that's final!

[laughter]

I've never seen
these fellows before.

They're marvelous.
They're so, uh, surrealistic.

A guy makes a pass.
She laughs it off.

Beej, cut it off
at the pass.

It's just not like her.

She sounds less like
herself with every letter.

You want to be depressed?
Watch the picture.

I'm trying
to watch the picture.

Oh, Charles is
trying to watch.

Quiet, everybody!

Go ahead, Charles.
Watch.

Wombat.

POTTER: Oh, there's
Klinger's uncle.

[laughter]

[sighs]

You don't seem to be
enjoying the movie, son.

Old people shouldn't get
married. She's almost 50.

Are we watching
the same movie?

Would you mind?

Oh, that's right.
You're watching.

Wait a minute, boys.
I've got you all beat.

I've got five of a kind.

What do you mean,
five of a kind?

Quintuplets.

Who needs the D.A.R.?

George Washington.

They gave him doughnuts
and cocoa at Valley Forge.

Can't hear the dialogue!

I've never been to a movie
with such rude people!

HAWKEYE: Usher! Usher!
Throw these rowdies out!

[all groaning]

-CHARLES: Klinger.
-Get off my back!

Klinger, rethread the machine
and get on with the show.

Rethread it yourself!
I've had it!

Colonel Potter.
Colonel Potter,
he's walking out!

Klinger,
come back here.

Now what in tarnation's
going on?

I told you.
My wife's divorcing me.

Tell us after the movie.
Come on, let's watch it.

Klinger, save it
for Talent Night.

I want somebody
to listen to me.

We've heard it all, Klinger.

It's just another
phony story.

No, it's not.
This is phony, sir.

This is! And this here
is phony, sir, and this.

All of this is phony.
But my wife leaving me isn't.

She took my allotment checks,

built up a nice bank account,

and now she's found
another guy.

I will never get to see
the end of this movie.

Look, son. We can't
let every soldier

who gets a "Dear John"
letter go home.

Nobody'd
be left overseas.

If I could just see her,
talk to her.

I've known Laverne
since we were kids.

I trusted her.

She was my lookout
on fruit stand heists

when I was 12.

The day I left,
she promised to wait.

She didn't tell me
some guy was gonna
wait with her.

Well, at least
you can talk to her.

Come on. We'll
put through a call.

Nah. I don't want to call.

The creep she's hooked up
with might answer,

and I couldn't
handle that now.

When you're ready,
the line's yours.

This is the worst day
of my life.

Don't be ridiculous.

You're gonna have a lot
worse days than this.

Thank you, sir.

You've been away from
each other for a long time.

She's got to become
her own person.

What if we become
strangers?

Oi.

I need a baritone over here.

Come on. We need
another Ink Spot.

Come on. What's it
going to be, Father?

"Button Up Your Overcoat."

-Fine. Key of L.
-Yeah.

♪♪

[harmonizing]
♪ Button up your overcoat

♪ When the wind blows free

♪ Take good care of yourself

♪ You belong to me

♪ Be careful crossing streets
Ooh ooh ♪

Come on, Beej. Sing.

♪ Don't eat meats
Ooh ooh ♪

♪ Cut out sweets
Ooh ooh ♪

♪ You'll get a pain
and ruin your tum-tum ♪

Bartender.

-Take five, Pops.
-Give me a double.

What do you say I take you
home and put you to bed?

Ah, you servicemen
are all alike.

-Come on, come on.
-Bartender.

Come on, you've had enough,
doughboy. Time for bed.

May your fingers never
lose their cunning.

Ah. See ya in church.

Have one on me, Klinger.

Matter of fact,
I'll have one with ya.

Excuse me, Father.

Klinger,
you wanna sing along?

No. I don't know nothin'
but torch songs.

Can you lend me 20 bucks?

Oh, I think so.

Gonna play poker,
I assume. Good.

It'll take your mind off
your domestic problems.

I'm goin' A-W-O-L.

Oh, no, my son.
Don't do that.

Why, you could get
into terrible trouble.

You could wind up
in the stockade.

Who cares?
I gotta see her, Father.

I gotta talk to her
before she marries Morty.

Morty?

Her guy. Makes sausage
casings. Big hands.

Wish me luck.

I can't let you do this.

You want
your 20 bucks back?

No. Klinger, please.

Just promise me
you'll think about this.

Sleep on it. We'll talk
in the morning.

I won't be here.

Then you give me no choice
but to tell Colonel Potter.

You'd squeal?

Oh, for your own good.

Okay. See you
in the morning.

You won't regret this.
Sleep well.

Boy, you're no soft touch.

-Good night, Irene.
-[mumbling]

-Must be wonderful
to have a second language.
-[knocking]

Sir?

Shh! The baby's asleep.

Yeah. Can I, uh,
can I talk to you?

Uh, let's sit
on the veranda.

Care to whittle?

No, I'm too upset.

Oh, so talk about it.

-Well, you know my mother.
-Only by mail.

Well, you know, she's
been without my dad
for a long time now.

Yeah, I know. yeah.

She started keeping
company with this man.

He's been a teller
at the Farmer's Bank
for 30 years.

He's a third degree Mason.
He's an elder in his church.

Sounds like a pretty
shady character.

Look, sir, I'm serious.

Okay, I'm sorry.
What's the problem?

Well, I don't even
know this guy,

and he's going around
with my mom.

It's, uh, look, bingo

on Wednesday night
at the Masonic Lodge.

On Friday it's square dancing
at the Pentecostal Church.

Every Sunday he gets her
in his Nash Metropolitan,

and he takes her over
to Lockport for snow-cones.

Just the two of 'em.
They never stop.
It's go, go, go!

So what's wrong, wrong, wrong?

Old people aren't
supposed to go

runnin' around like that.

Sure they are.
I think it's great.

Well, yeah,
but what if he, uh...

suppose he wants
to horse around?

Great. It's good for
the cardiovascular system.

Come on! This is my mom
we're talkin' about!

Radar, she's a woman.
She's a warm human being.

Where do you think
you came from,

the Monkey Ward catalogue?

That was my regular father.

Radar. Radar, you're jealous.

-Me? Jealous?
-Yeah, sure.

You have to share her
with somebody else

for the first time since
you were a little kid.

Yeah. Maybe I am jealous.

I was the same way.
The same thing happened to me.

My father's a widower,
you know.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

You mean just like my mom?

Yeah, right. When I was
about 12 years old,

he got interested
in this very nice lady.

She was a bookkeeper.

And I was sore as hell.

I didn't say anything,
but he knew I was sore.

And he really wanted me
to like her, but I wouldn't.

Anyway.

Well, I guess he needed
my approval so much

that, uh...

he didn't marry her.

And he's been alone
to this day.

And loneliness is everything
it's cracked up to be.

Yeah, I guess it is.

So, with your mother,

I'd-I'd wait
and see what happens.

Yeah, well, if you say so.

Uh, but you know,
I was thinking.

Um, if it doesn't work out,

maybe we could introduce
your dad to my mom.

Radar. Radar,
come on, wake up.

What is it, sir? What?

I wanna use your phone
to call San Francisco.

-Oh, for Pete's sake.
-Come on, come on.

Radar, come on.
It's important.

Oh, come on. No, forget it.

All right. I'll do it myself.

Just tell me where
to plug this thing in.

Oh! Why can't anybody

ever use this darn phone
during the daytime?

Oh, Radar,
I can't wait that long.

Listen, I owe you one, okay?

Oh, oh, oh, boy,
if I had an hour's sleep

for every time somebody
ever said that to me.

Her number
in San Francisco is 555--

555-2657. I know.
And I'm hurrying!

It must be quarter
to 3:00 in the morning.

Sparky? Y--

Sparky, I know
it's quarter to 3:00
in the morning.

You owe him one too,
sir.

Listen, uh, this is
an urgent phone call

to San Francisco.
Right.

There's 25 bucks
in it for you.

-What?
-I didn't think you'd mind.

Okay. Right. Go ahead.
I'll-I'll just stand by.

Wh-Wh-What's the problem?

Hey, this is gonna take
a few minutes, you know!

There's static
over Honolulu!

Oh, great. It's probably
those electric ukuleles.

-Hey!
-What?

[teddy bear squeaks]

His head isn't on
too good, either!

-[knocking]
-Who is it?

Father Mulcahy. Something
terrible has happened.

What?

May I come in?

Get in here.

I've done a very
foolish thing.

You, Father?

I could have stopped
him, and I didn't.

Now he's gone AWOL
behind my back.

Who?

I stopped by
to look in on him,

and now he's gone.

-Klinger?
-Yes.

When?

Well,
I was talking to him

in the Officers Club
around 11:00,

and now it's about 3:00.

I should say somewhere
between 11:00 and 3:00.

Pretty good guess.
Well, let's get on the horn

and try to lasso him.

I'm sorry
to disturb you, sir.

Ah, it's okay.

I have to get up
in another six hours anyway.

Peggy, I realize it's
embarrassing, honey,

but you've got to do it.

-What's goin' on here?
-Uh, Colonel, uh,

Captain Hunnicutt
has a very serious
family crisis.

You took the car
to Ron's Service Station,

and he wants $425?

Peggy, you only go
there for gas and air,

and sometimes they
charge for the air.

Hunnicutt,
get off that phone.

You let him call
his wife about a car?

Well, Captain Hunnicutt's
a captain, Colonel.

Just a second, Colonel.

Honey, there's a place
in San Rafael

called Gene's Body Works.

Go there. Tell Gene
you're my wife.

He's an old friend of mine.

We played football
together in high school.

-He'll give you a good price.
-Hunnicutt, right now.

Klinger's gone A-W-O-L.
Every minute counts.

Sweetheart, I gotta
get off the phone.

What? Why did I call ya?

-Aw, come on.
-RADAR: Come on.

I-I just wanted to check

and see if you still
need me, Peg.

Well, does she?

That's good to hear,
sweetheart.

Ah, she does.

I need you too, darling.

Bye.

Hallelujah.
Is everything all right?

Always was.

-Get on the phone.
-Right.

Call the M.P.s.
Notify them about Klinger.

Colonel, they could
go rough on him.

Right.
Tell them to take it easy.

Just bring him back so I
can have a crack at him.

-[knocking]
-Come in, but wipe
your feet first.

Captain Pierce?

That.

Captain Pierce,
I'm Captain Pierce.

Huh?

Oh, the letter snafu. Ohh.

I was passing through,

and I thought we could
exchange our mail.

It's a pleasure to meet me.

Let me introduce you
to the boys in the band.

B.J. Hunnicutt,
C.E. Winchester.

How do you do?
What was the name again?

Pierce.
Benjamin Pierce.

I, for one,
will never forget.

-Here are your letters.
-Oh, thanks.

Oh, isn't that nice?

-All unopened.
-Mm-hmm.

Pity you can't extend
the same courtesy

to Captain Pierce.

I don't understand.

You mean you looked
at my letters?

Well, one of them

fell on the ground
and broke open.

What do you mean,
broke open?

That was just a little
levity to ease the tension.

[chuckling] You know...

I just--

I only read one of them.

Uh, which one
was that, Pierce?

The one from Sheila,
Joyce, or Gloria?

Take the fifth, Hawk.

Hey, Captain,

that's not a nice thing to do.

Look, I'm sorry, but up
here a letter, any letter,

is as good as gold,
and yours are platinum.

Yes, you're quite a Romeo.

No, no, I'm no Romeo.

You're not? I don't do
that well in my dreams.

I wish they'd stop writing me.
I never answer them.

I tell you what.
I'll write to them.

I've always wanted to be
a foreign correspondent.

What do you mean,
a foreign correspondent?

Joke. Little joke.

Oh. Yeah.

Well, I'll take
my letters now.

I guess
I should read them.

[chuckles] He guesses
he should read them.

-Okay.
-Thanks.

Well, nice meeting you.

Wait, wait, just a second.
I-I No-No offense, Pierce,

but you don't exactly
look like Clark Gable,

and you don't sound
like Ronald Colman,

and you don't move
like Fred Astaire.

-How do you do it?
-Do what?

Get all the girls
to go wild about ya.

Oh, that.

Uh, I guess it's 'cause
I make them laugh.

I beg your pardon?

I make them laugh.

It's my sense of humor.
I'm a very funny guy.

He's a very funny guy.

[vehicle approaching]

It's Klinger.
Holy Toledo, it's Klinger.

Colonel! Colonel,
it's Klinger. He's back.

Out of my way. Thank God
he's back alive.
I'm gonna kill him.

You jackass! What kind
of idiotic stunt was that?

For two cents,
I'd slam you in the hoosegow

-and throw away the key.
-Welcome home, Klinger.

-Joyriding around Korea
in the middle of the night.

Could've gotten
yourself killed!

Now what do you have
to say for yourself?

-Colonel, I gotta tell you--
-I don't want to hear it!

The colonel was
worried sick about you.

Not sick, just worried.

Well, come on.
Let's hang up your undies.

-Radar, would you handle--
-I understand, sir.

Thanks.

Family. [clicks tongue]

I was this close, Colonel.

I had my reservations
and everything.

Deluxe accommodations

in the baggage
compartment of a C-47.

I bumped a general's
poodle to get on.

-What stopped you?
-Well,

when I was waiting
for the plane,

I had some time

to really think about
what she had done to me.

She had no right.
Not while I was here.

-Agreed.
-Don't forget,

under all the
feathers and laces

beats the heart
of a real man.

I got my pride,

and if she don't want me,

then I don't want her.

Now you're talkin'.

Let her have Morty.

She'll probably eat
all that free sausage

and blow up
like an elephant.

Serves her right.

You deserve a lot better.

Don't I know it.

Besides, this hitch
is bad enough.

I don't want to spend
the next one in jail.

I have scruples, you know.

When I leave the army,

it'll be the honorable way
with a Section 8.

That's it, son. Always go
with your best pitch.

How about letting me
buy you a drink?

Yeah, sure.

They didn't
even have a lounge

at that crummy airport.
You know, Colonel,

there are a lot more women
than there are guys in America.

-True.
-And the women got
most of the money--

-stocks, bonds,
stuff like that.
-Right.

So there's got to be a rich,
beautiful dame out there

for an attractive
lunatic like me.

Hang tough, kid.

You know what I'm in the mood
for? A banana daiquiri.

♪ Take good care of yourself
You belong to me ♪

-Hey, hey!
-All right. To Max Klinger.

-Korea's most
eligible bachelor.
-Hear, hear!

May you find a wife

who dresses
as well as you do.

Oh, okay.

Corporal, my hat
is off to you.

Not to mention
his hair. [Laughing]

What you did takes
daring and courage.

God bless you.

I was going to say that.

Your turn, uh, Radar.

B.J.:
Your turn, Radar.

It's okay, Ma,
throw the bouquet.

[chuckles] It's his
last Shirley Temple

with the three-beer chaser.

Hey! I-I-I-I
wanna make a toast.

[chattering, cheering]

-To MASH 4077 Seven.
-Seven.

I may not have a family
no more in Toledo,

but I sure got one here.

-Hear, hear!
-I love you guys.

[crash]

That's a pretty
rotten way to show it.

♪♪ [theme]