M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 6, Episode 19 - What's Up, Doc? - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

-[instruments clattering]
-[chattering]

NURSE: Doctor, do you want me
to hold that for you?

[chatter continues]

Corpsman!
Another case closed, Watson.

Care to join me in my digs
on Baker Street?

-For what?
-A little seductive reasoning.

Sorry, Sherlock.

-Can't win 'em all.
-Drat!

Another evening alone
with my pipe and dirty robe.

Got that belly wound finished
yet, Moriarty?



-All sewn up. Corpsman.
-[chatter continues]

Ah, here's our next couple.

-Welcome to
"Who Bet Your Life."
-Will you cut it out?

-There's nothing
to joke about here.
-Oh, let him go, Major.

Sometimes a little humor helps
break the tension in a war zone.

Lap sponge.

During World War I,
we used to dress a mule up
in a petticoat

and charge the fellas
a dime a dance.

Fifteen cents
if they wanted to lead.

No!
[grunts]

Put that mask back on him.
He's not under enough.

I'm trying, Major,

-but he keeps pushing it away.
-Push back harder!

Don't start a fight,
or we'll all be sent
to the principal's office.



-I can't stop it.
-I'll do it.

I'll do it. If your doctor
has to do your job for you,

he'll have to reglove.

If you can't follow
an order, call for help.

I'm sorry, Major.

Hey, Margaret, take it easy.

She just doesn't like
a guy who grabs.

Nobody asked you! Butt out!

Bell, you're on report.

For this? You're kidding.

No. Add talking back
to a superior officer.

-Margaret, wait a minute.
-Carry on!

Major, why don't you
reconsider?

She didn't do anything
but ruffle your fetlocks.

Colonel, am I within my
authority as head nurse

if I put her on report?

-Yes, but...
-Thank you.

Margaret, as an officer
and a gentleman,

you should forgive and forget.

If she's forgiving,
I'm forgetting.

Major, I, for one,
applaud

your sense of discipline
in the midst of chaos.

-Go stuff it, balloon brain!
-Now I applaud that.

[grunts, sighs]
Oh, Margaret,
let me give you a hand.

This may take a minute.
I'm used to doing this
in the dark.

-Go away.
-Don't panic. I'll have you
out of there in no time.

I just wish you people
would leave me alone!

Oh, yeah? Like the way
you left Nurse Bell alone?

I was doing my job!

You never fall on
a nurse that hard
for such a nitpicky mistake.

-You're too good for that.
What's eating you?
-Nothing!

Come on. If you can't tell
your number-one nemesis,
who can you tell?

I can't.

-Can't even imagine
that it's true.
-What's true?

-Would you lower your voice?
-Is this low enough? I'm sorry.

I'm using my larynx
as a subway station.
What is it?

Well, I was with Donald

about six weeks ago
in Tokyo, and...

Yeah?

-Well, I think...
-What?

I'm pretty sure
that I'm pregnant.

-Pregnant?
-Shhh!

-You mean with child?
-Shhh!

Expecting? Our little major
is gonna have a minor?

That's wonderful! Sorry.

-There's nothing
wonderful about it.
-Are you kidding?

All we see around here
is death and destruction.

Now, in the middle
of an inferno

that even Dante wouldn't
buy tickets to,

there's a little glimmer
of life, thanks to you.

That's not wonderful.
That's a miracle.

You know Donald and I
are having problems.

This isn't gonna solve them.

It's only gonna add to them.

And you know what it means,
don't you?

Automatic discharge.

My whole army career kaput!

It's all Donald's fault.

Well, I wouldn't
put it all on Donald.

I mean, you were probably
there at the time.

-What made you so sure?
-I have all the symptoms.

-Morning sickness, nausea.
-We all have that...

-from the Mess Tent
takeout window.
-There's more.

I've been irritable lately.

Well, if you count
irritability,

you've been pregnant
since I've known you.

Captain,
that time of the month

hasn't been that time
of the month yet.

-And that was last month.
-Maybe your watch stopped.

Look. Look. Have you
verified this medically?

-Well, no lab tests--
-Well, then what are you
guessing for?

Why don't we go see
Colonel Potter
and set up a test?

Come on. Come on.

You know, I hate you men.

Now she tells us.

How's that shoulder feel,
Martinson?

I think I did a bang-up job
on your bang-up...

even if I do say so myself.

You're gonna send me
back up there, aren't ya, Doc?

You're ambulatory now.

You'll be out of here
by noon Thursday.

You're lucky.
That's when our rates change.

[forced laugh]

I don't remember. Did I
remove your sense of humor?

Knock it off, Doc.
This morning I was leading

35 men down a hill
and retreated smack
into a minefield.

That shrapnel you removed
from my shoulder

is what's left of
my sergeant's helmet.

He was right next to me
when the mine went up.

I am not going back.
I won't go back.

I know how you must feel.

You think it's because
I'm scared, don't you?

If you are, you're
not alone, soldier.

I am not a soldier.

I never was a soldier.

I thought R.O.T.C. would
keep me out of active duty.

Should've read the fine print.

I thought they'd put me into
something I was prepared for.

Like?

Art history-- I was
an art history major.

I think the Marines
are the only ones with
an art history division.

I'm not kidding!

They are not sending me
back into action.

I don't have what it takes
to lead men into combat.

That sergeant would still
be alive if it hadn't been
for me.

Look, Martinson, you can't
blame yourself for that.

Get out of here, will you?

Just leave me alone.

Bedside manner
failing you, Hunnicutt?

-Lay off, Winchester.
-What's this?

"Attila the Pun" has lost
his sense of good humor?

Drop it, Charles.

-Touchy.
-[door slams]

Colonel, I'd like to talk
to you about my family.

It's--

Excuse me for saying so.

Your mail is leaking,
Colonel.

Honey.

Your mail is leaking,
honey.

Don't crack wise, Klinger.

The missus knows

how hard this stuff is
to get over here.

She tried sending me a jar,

but those mail jockeys cancel
packages with their boots.

You're telling me.
Try to mail order
an atomizer of perfume

and see what happens.

You mentioned something
about your family.

Oh. Oh. Yes, sir.

It's been on my mind
for years now,

and I must get it
off my chest.

What is it this time?

[sigh] I've been
hiding it till now.

But these...

are my children.

I didn't want to burden
anyone with my troubles.

All nine of them.

I've always
liked big families.

How did this happen?

Well, you're a doctor, sir.
You ought to know.

I mean who's the mother?

Mothers.

I see.

I've finally given in
to my tortured conscience

and decided to take full
financial responsibility.

That'll cost you a fortune.

Exactly. It'll mean

I'll require a hardship
discharge, of course,

but it's for the kids.

Of course.

Little Santos here
needs new shoes.

And Ellen will have
to have braces soon.

And then
there's the twins--

Achmed and Irene.

This one is swarthy,
and the other is blonde.

Fraternal twins.

Klinger, none of these
kids look like you.

They don't even look
like each other.

Well, of course not.

Their mothers raised them
to be individuals.

Who's the tall one?

That's Santos.

But you said
this was Santos.

Uh, well, uh...

he is, too.

I ran out of names.

This kid has got to be
at least 19.

That would mean
you were a father at 11.

Well, what's so unusual
about that?

I had a mustache
when I was 3.

Klinger, this is
the worst one yet.

In the first place,
I know half these kids.

This is Erin Hunnicutt.

Sergeant Zale's daughter
Zelda.

And this is
my grandson Cory.

I knew it, I knew it!

I shouldn't have gone
to Radar for these.

[splatter]

Margaret,
will you sit down?

I got holes in my shoes
just looking at you.

-What's keeping that old coot?
-The old coot's here.

-Oh, Colonel--
-I know.

It was said with affection.

Colonel, Margaret may have
a little problem.

-Is it you, Winchester,
or the nurses?
-I'm pregnant.

Pregnant?
Well, zip-a-dee-doo-dah!

I used "wonderful"
and "miracle."

-Did you tell Donald yet?
-No.

-Should you?
-Yes!

Then tell him.
I remember when
our son was born.

Made me prouder
than a stallion out to stud.

Colonel, I don't think
you're getting it.

Uh, Margaret and Donald...

aren't, uh, uh-- [stammering]

They're not, uh...

What he's trying
not to say, Colonel,

is that Donald
and I are not...

I think I've got it now.

Not to mention the fact that
the army would make Margaret

trade in her boots
for booties.

Isn't there some way
around that?

Can't we bend the rule
just a little bit?

Only if you stay
just a little bit pregnant.

We'll be sorry to lose you,
Margaret.

Wait a minute.
We're not even sure
if she's pregnant.

-How about a lab test?
-Sure. I'll let her go
to Tokyo.

No. Can't we do it here?
I don't want anyone else
to know.

-We'd need a rabbit for that.
-Then get one!

What about, uh...

-Radar?
-No. He'd never go for it.

That rabbit's his pet.

He lives with it.
He reads to it.

He'd even marry it
if it was the same religion.

If it's a choice between his
rabbit and our head nurse--

-Then I outrank him!
-Who, the rabbit?

You sirs call me, sir?

-Have a seat, son.
-A seat, sir?

Yeah, here. There you go.

-Uh, care for a drink?
-Uh, no, thank you, sir.

-Makes my ears wider.
-Still a growing boy.

-Well, I sure could use one.
-A drink?

Yeah, you bet.

-Son, we need a favor from you.
-Oh, anything, sir.

-I think.
-Radar, you have
a female rabbit, don't you?

-You mean Fluffy?
-Yeah, we'd like to, uh...

borrow her for a while.

For a pregnancy test.

Oh, no, sir. That couldn't be.

See, I keep her and Bongo
in separate cages.

If I didn't... Well, you know
what they say about rabbits.

-That's just talk.
-[chuckles]

Can we get on with this?

Yeah. Yeah.
The pregnancy test is for--

Captain!

Well, on behalf of Fluffy,

he has a right to know.

The test is
for Major Houlihan.

You're gonna be
a mother, sir?

Well, we don't know yet.

That's why
we need the rabbit.

Oh.

What does Fluffy
have to do in this test?

She doesn't have to do anything.
It's very simple.

We inject her with some fluid
from Major Houlihan.

Then, about 48 hours later,
we check the rabbit's ovaries,

and if there's any change,
then the test is positive,

and Margaret is a mother-to-be
and a major-that-was.

Well, that doesn't
sound so bad.

Radar, to check the ovaries,

we have to put them
under a magnifying glass.

Uh-huh. So?

We don't put all of her
under the glass,

just the ovaries.

Oh, no!

Oh, no!
No-no, no-no, no-no!

You're not gonna kill
my Fluffy.

You're not gonna use
my rabbit as a guinea pig!

Why, I-- That would be murder!

There you go, Bongo.

I know you'll be lonely
without Fluffy.

Don't eat too much.
You'll get too big
for your house.

-Wish you hadn't done that.
-Yeah, well,

I figured I'd rather let her
go than to see her killed.

Radar, I know how much
you love her,

but we wouldn't have asked
if it wasn't so important.

-Yeah, but why do
you have to kill her?
-I told you.

The ovaries have
to be examined.

Can't you just take 'em
out of her

and then let her stay alive?

-Operate on a rabbit?
-Yeah!

I've never done that before,
not even on a chocolate one.

-But it's possible.
-Yeah, theoretically, sure.

But it's all academic now.

Well. Yeah.

No, it's not.

Houdini O'Reilly, I caught
your act at the Palladium.

No. No. No.

You promise you'll take good
care of her?

I'll do my best.

Yeah, and you'll be
real gentle with her

and talk to her when
you're putting her under.

-I'll read to her
from Uncle Wiggily.
-Yeah, well...

-Okay. I guess
that's all right.
-Okay. Come on.

-Okay.
-She'll still be able
to have kids, won't she?

-Radar.
-Yeah, well...

-HAWKEYE: Clamp.
-MARGARET: Clamp.

More suction, Margaret.

I'm trying.
It's so small in there.

Nonsense.
There's nothing to it.

-Tweezers.
-Tweezers.

Radar, you don't have
to wait outside.

-What'd you say, sir?
-I said you can come in!

There are still seats available
for season ticket holders.

-Uhh. No thanks.
-MARGARET: Oh, come on!

You've seen hundreds
of people operated on.

Yeah, but people bad stuff

isn't as bad
as rabbit bad stuff.

I'll just wait out here.

Why don't you and Bongo
read a magazine

in the waiting room?

Right.

And... there we are.

Great. Can we take a look?

Uh-uh. We gotta get our patient
back on her paws.

Hey, doc, what's the verdict?

Do I get to live?

Can I go home to Buffalo?

Well, there's no
internal damage.

As for your going home,
I'd say in about a week.

And as for your
living in Buffalo,

I'd call that
a contradiction in terms,

you know?

Why don't they leave me
alone? I...

-Let me go home.
-Look, Tom.

I hate this place, this war,
just as much as you do.

But there really isn't
a whole hell of a lot
we can do about it

except cope with the situation
as best we can.

That or rent a room
in Leavenworth.

No. I have to get
out of here.

Come here.

-There is another way.
-All right. What is it?

I can recommend you be sent
to Tokyo for psychiatric
observation.

Oh, no, I'm not
letting those headhunters

get ahold of me and put in
my record that I'm nuts.

"This is to certify
that Tom Martinson,

Associate Professor
of Art History,

went bonkers in Korea"?

Tom, they're not there
to brand you.

They're there to help you.

Oh, don't you lie to me!

I spent four years at Yale.

I took all those courses.
It's bull.

I'll tell you
what they'll say.

"Neurotic tendencies,
severe paranoia,
manic-depressive."

Will you slow down?

Hunnicutt, would you mind if
I talked to him for a moment?

-It might help.
-Be my guest.

Well, now, don't--
don't go away.

I think it's important
you observe this.

What class were you in,
Lieutenant?

-Yale '48.
-Harvard '43.

Major Charles Emerson
Winchester.

I could tell at once--
Sit down. I could-- Go ahead.

I could tell at once
that you were a man
of education and breeding.

I guess the army is no place
for a couple of Ivy Leaguers
like us.

-Is it, Lieutenant?
-No.

Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.

-No. It surely isn't.
-The daily grind.
The stupidity.

The riffraff that one
is forced to associate with.

-Would you hand me that pack?
-Surely.

If I were in your shoes,
Lieutenant, and I am,

I'd feel exactly
the same way that you do,

which I do. [laughs]

I understand completely.

I'm glad to hear that,
Major.

'Cause I know
you'll understand this.

-I'm goin' home. Don't move.
-Oh, well, now,

when I said
I understand completely,

I didn't mean that I
completely understand.

Obviously, there are things
that I don't understand at all.

Hunnicutt,
do something, please?

-Tom...
-Stand back. Stand back.

-I'll shoot this man
if I have to.
-Okay. Not that okay.

-You take me to your C.O.
-I should've expected this
from a Yale man.

-Where is he?
-Colonel Potter!

Colonel Potter!
Is that too loud?

-Just get him!
-Colonel Potter, would you
mind stepping out here

for a moment, sir, please?

This better be good,
Winchester.

Oh, it is, Colonel.
Colonel Potter,

-this is Lieutenant Martinson.
-Are you the C.O.?

-What do you think
you're doing, son?
-Getting out of here.

And I'll shoot this man
if I don't get what I want.

Let's just talk about this,
nice and easy.

My boy,
I'm Father Mulcahy.

He is. He really is.
He's wearing pajamas now,

-but he's a real father.
-[Mulcahy] Please, Major!

Son, right now, this may
seem like the road to freedom.

But in reality, it's a pathway
to self-destruction!

I want a chopper,
a transport to the States,

food and clothing
to get me back to Ohio.

I think you ought to
give it to him, Colonel.

Okay. You got it. Let
Major Winchester go now,

and I'll personally
guarantee your safety.

-I got my guarantee right here.
-Ow!

Now let's see
that chopper!

We'll have to call one in.
He'll be here at dawn.

-POTTER: Radar!
-No good! I want one now!

Colonel, don't put him
on a waiting list.

I'd get one for you
if I could.

But choppers
can't fly at night.

It's not like they
have headlights.

B.J.: You're gonna have
to wait till morning, Tom.

He better be
telling the truth.

Do something.

Listen, you can
wait in my office

until the chopper
gets here.

-No harm'll come
to ya. I promise.
-Just stay back!

-[murmuring]
-It's a trick. Get over here.

They're trying to confuse me.
Get back, all of you!

Get back, get back, get back!
That's an order!

That's an urgent
request to you, sir.

Now, don't try
and follow me.

-Right. I'll stay here.
-Move it. Come on.

Let's go. Come on!

You did a fine job,
Captain.

I've never seen
such delicate work.

-So small.
-So round, so firm,
so fully packed.

Is it over yet?

Okay, Daddy.
You can look now.

Ooh! Aw, Fluffy!
Ooh, you're gonna be okay.

-Oh, thank you, sir.
-No problem, Radar.

Couple of days, she'll be
the queen of the hop.

-Can we run the
test now, please?
-Yeah.

Yeah. Let's put the specimen
under the glass.

I'll get it.

Charles, learn to knock first.

We have a naked bunny in here.

And he has a loaded pistol
back here.

Oh, my God! He does.

-Cripes!
-Quiet!

You're supposed to be
on our side, fella.

Please forgive him.
He's an idiot.

Get over there.
The rest of you, outside.

Keep your hands up
where I can see 'em.

She doesn't have hands.
She's a rabbit.

Please do as he says!

We're going. We're going.

[overlapping chatter]

Uh-oh. Your shoulder's
bleeding.

Can I fix that for you?

So I can put the gun down,
huh? No way! Out!

Or that man's life
isn't worth a dime.

-We were just going anyway.
-Come on! Move it! Go!

-Okay. We're moving it.
-Move!

-I just need my specimen.
-Get out!

-Out!
-Get out!

Don't be nervous.

RADAR: Wild look in his eye.

He's holding my specimen!

-I mean, a gun on Charles.
-Who is that guy?

-Patient of mine.
Wants to go home.
-Via Hostage Airlines?

-That's the ticket.
-Radar, get on the horn
to Dispatch.

Tell 'em to get
a chopper here by dawn.

Tell 'em to clear
a flight to Ohio.

Did I hear Ohio?

A patient is holding
Major Winchester hostage

until they get to Ohio!

Why is everybody standing
around like a bunch of ducks?

Somebody go in there
and get him!

Colonel, I volunteer.

Klinger, come back!
You'll get killed!

Now, there goes
a real man!

Hey, buddy, take me!
I'll go with you.

-Stay back, lady.
-Klinger, you moron.

-Okay. Take it easy.
Just wanna talk.
-Are you armed?

You kidding?
Where would I put it?

Did they get the chopper?

Nah. Somethin' better.

-Me!
-What?

Take me instead of him.
I got your escape plan.

I got my own plan...

a chopper to Seoul,
a plane back to Ohio.

I'm from Toledo.
I know people there.

I could make it easy for you.

Take him! He's got a plan!

I would be lost in Ohio.
Take him, please? Please.

Please. I've never
even been to Ohio.

He was born and raised
there. He's...

Okay! Okay! Get out of here!
Anything's better than you!

He's absolutely right about
that, isn't he, Klinger?

Oh, yes, sir. Anything.

-Thank you, Klinger.
-Go on. Get out of here.

Right. Just a sec.

Klinger, I deeply appreciate
your sacrifice for my safety

and I sincerely hope that
you survive this ordeal.

-Get lost!
-All right. Getting lost.

-[chattering]
-Charles!

MARGARET:
Charles! Thank goodness.

Ladies and gentlemen--

Are you all right, Major?

Of course I'm all right.

-Now, we've gotta save Klinger.
-Tag team kidnapping.

The best thing to do
in a situation like this

is to give the kid
what he asks for.

Look. Can't we talk him
out of there?

Tranquilize him, anything?

If talking hasn't done
any good this far,

he's beyond
rational thinking.

I don't think Klinger's
in any danger,

unless we make
some grandstand play.

We'll just sit tight
and wait for that chopper.

I'm starting
to feel sick again.

Take it easy, Margaret.
When all this is over,

we'll go for a walk
through the looking glass.

Believe you me, buddy...

as soon as we hit downtown
Toledo, we're home free!

I know enough shady people
and places there to keep us
out of daylight for years.

But we'll make it.
Even if we have to struggle,

live on pita bread and water,
sleep with the rats!

We... We... Kid, kid!
Come on! Come on!

Look alive! You gotta look alive
if our scheme's gonna work.

-Okay. All right.
-POTTER: Klinger,
you still all right?

Oh, uh, fine, sir, just fine!

-[groans]
-But this guy,

he's got a real mean look
in his eyes, though.

You better get that chopper.

POTTER: It's here!
Anytime you're ready!

And tell Martinson there'll be
no attempt to stop him.

-Do you hear that?
We're almost home!
-Yeah.

-Come on. Come on,
now walk tall.
-Okay.

-Okay. Okay, Lieutenant.
Let's... Let's move me out.
-[groans]

-Hut, two, three, four!
-[mutters]

Oh, come on, kid.
Kid, you can do it.
You can do it.

So let's get out there
and win one for the ol' Gipper!

So, kid, huh? That's it.
Hut, two, three, four.

-Hut...
-Hut, two, three, four.

-Hut...
-Hut, two, three, four.
That's it, kid.

Ooh, you got it.
Now, you got it.

-KLINGER: All right,
everybody. Stay back!
-[murmuring]

He's not afraid
to use that thing.
He'll fill me full of lead.

-Take it easy, Klinger.
-I don't mind, sir.

I'll go all the way
to Ohio if I have to.

It's in the line of duty.

Keep the gun up, kid.
You're doing great.

Wait a minute.
I'll be right back.

All right, get back!
Get back. Don't rush him.

He could come to any second.

He's lost a lot of blood.
We'd better get him to O.R.

-POTTER: Stretcher
for this man. Pronto!
-Oh, come on, kid.

You can't do this to me.
You can't!

-Well?
-Oh, my God.
This is incredible.

What? What?

I never knew
my thumb was this big.

Oh, will you cut it out?

All right. Wait a minute.

-There.
-What?

-And the winner is...
-Pierce!

-Negative.
-Negative?

-Negative.
-Congratulations.

You're still a major,
Major.

Yeah. I guess I still am.
Thank you.

-Thank you very much.
-I'm glad it turned out
the way you wanted it to.

So am I.

I'm also sorry.

So am I.

Okay, Fluffy.
One more time. Easy now.

Actually, it's not all bad,
you know.

Now you and Bongo can live
in the same cage. [giggles]

-Corporal?
-Yes, ma'am.

Uh, excuse me for not
saluting. She needs me.

Uh, that's okay.

Corporal, I just
stopped by to, uh,

well, to thank you again.

Now that it's over,
that is.

Ooh. You mean,
you're not, uh...

Uh...

[chuckles]
No, I'm not pregnant.

-Oh.
-Just a little
gallbladder trouble.

-Oh.
-I want you to know

I appreciate what you
and Fluffy did--

sacrificing her ovaries

-so that I could find out.
-Oh, that's okay, ma'am.

I know you'd do
the same for Fluffy.

♪♪ [theme]