M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 6, Episode 18 - Your Hit Parade - full transcript
As the unit becomes overrun with casualties and tempers begin to flare, Radar tries to raise everyone's spirits by playing some new records over the intercom.
♪♪ [theme]
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
No casualties for
the 11th straight day.
O.R. will remain open for
cuticle and wart removal.
Come early, win a door prize.
-Check.
-That's what you think.
Three of diamonds!
Crown my king.
-Thank you.
-It's nothing.
You're cheating.
How can I cheat?
There are no rules.
Oh, yeah.
Knight to knight seven.
Full house, you hustler.
-Oh, really?
-Uh-huh.
-Gin.
-Gin it is.
-Thank you.
-Let's set up the board again.
This time, I get to play
cards and checkers.
Oh, no, no, no.
That's not fair
because whoever has the cards
and checkers always wins.
-[knocking]
-Well, that's what I--
Don't-- Don't look.
Don't look.
Five bucks says
that's Father Mulcahy.
[chuckles]
Ten'll get you Radar.
-You're on.
-Come in.
Afternoon, sirs.
Aah! Radar,
you're the last person
I wanted to see!
Radar, old buddy,
lookin' at you is
like money in the bank.
All the other tents,
they just say hello.
-Would you like to join us?
-What are you playin'?
-Double Cranko.
-Yeah.
-Bishops are worth
three jacks.
-Right.
-Checkers are wild.
-Uh-huh.
And you have to be
21 or over to open.
Ah.
-Care to sit in for a hand?
-You'll get out by dawn.
Uh, no, thank you, sirs.
Whenever I lose,
I always like to know why.
Actually, I just come in
to see Major Winchester.
Now I'm confused.
I just want to borrow
his record player.
We just got a new
shipment of records in
from Special Services.
Colonel Potter says I could
play 'em over the P.A.
if I can find something
to play 'em over on.
That should be great
for breaking up the monotony.
I don't know. You know,
I remember their last batch.
"Andy Devine
Sings Cole Porter."
Oh, no. These are all new.
There's some really
swingin' jazz stuff.
Radar, say no more.
Here you are.
Compliments
of Major Winchester.
Uh, sir, I can't take it
without his permission.
He loves for people
to borrow his things.
-No, it's not right.
-Come on, come on.
I take
full responsibility.
Just don't tell him
I gave it to you.
I don't know about this.
Go on, quick, before Charles
changes his mind.
Okay. You guys
thank him for me, okay?
I'll be sure
not to do that.
Gee, it's nice
to be nice.
Ready to start?
Okay, let's flip the board
to see who goes first.
Call it in the air.
There you are, kid.
We're ready to go on
the air from one end
of the camp to the other.
Oh, my gosh.
Pick up that mike and
announce the first tune.
Right.
Uhh...
-That's it?
-Oh, come on, Klinger.
I don't know what to say.
Well, just put it
in your own words.
I don't have any
of my own words.
I just use
everybody else's.
Come on. You speak into
this thing all the time.
Yeah, but I never
jockeyed a disc before.
I mean, I don't know
what those guys say.
Have no fear, kid.
I'll tell you what to say.
What, you know
about this stuff?
Are you kidding?
Remember that payola scandal
in Toledo two years ago?
My uncle Bob
gets out next month.
Oh, well, then maybe you should
be the announcer.
Me talk into this thing?
Not a chance. Here.
Just say your name,
then the song.
It's simple.
Okay.
Hi.
[chuckles]
This is Corporal--
No, this is Radar.
Um, I just thought you
might like to hear, uh...
No, uh, I got a--
We just got a
shipment of, uh...
Yeah, uh, I'm gonna
play a record for you.
-♪♪ [swing]
-[chuckles]
Not so terrific, huh?
I better write you some stuff.
What kind of stuff?
Disc jockey talk.
You know, uh,
"Hey, this is your platter
pusher, Radar O'Reilly,
slidin' on some hot sides
for all you cats
and hot dog ladies."
Dig it?
I don't understand
a thing you just said.
Good. Neither will they.
I don't think I was
cut out to be talented.
-Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
-What?
-Wait a minute. Attention.
-♪♪ [stops]
Attention, all personnel.
Incoming choppers.
Sounds like plenty.
All medical teams report
to triage on the double.
Over here.
Set this man down here.
The Chinese are throwing
everything they got
across the parallel.
The 8055th has bugged out.
The 8063rd is overloaded.
We're getting
everybody's casualties.
The whole enchilada.
Fractured skull. Possible
hematoma. Dilated pupils.
-Prep him stat.
-We're running
out of room, sir.
Make room.
This guy can't wait.
KLINGER: Geez. Where
are they coming from?
Everywhere. The question is
where are we gonna put 'em?
Charles, I got a bus
full of belly wounds.
-In a moment.
-Now, Charles!
I've got a compound fracture
here, and it's bleeding.
-Bones have to wait.
-Well, Colonel,
I beg to differ.
That's an order,
not an opinion.
The most opinionated
order I've ever heard.
-Klinger!
-Yes, sir.
Type and cross match for
two units whole blood.
-Prep him stat.
-Yes, sir.
Radar! Oh.
What happened to the music?
Well, I figured with all the
casualties and all you'd...
No, no. no. no.
Get back in there and play
something soft and mushy.
We're gonna need all
the sedatives we can get.
Yes, sir. I'll get on
the slow stuff real fast.
What'd I tell you?
You're a hit.
Yeah, I guess so.
-[helicopter overhead]
-More choppers.
As if we weren't
busy enough.
Hotel's already full.
What do we do now?
We move the help.
As of now, the Officers'
Club, the mess tent,
the Swamp, the post-ops
two, three and four,
in that order.
And we thought
this was the off-season.
♪♪ [jazz]
CHARLES:
I have a suggestion.
I will loan Radar one of
my classical recordings
to relieve this pop
nightmare.
Nah, you've done
enough, Charles.
We're already using
your phonograph.
What?
Without my consent?
I want it back
right this second!
Relax, Major.
I just made it
your contribution
to the emergency.
Music is medicine
right now.
Just once I would like
to offer something
before it is taken
from me.
-Clamp.
-Clamp.
-Sponge.
-Sponge.
Margaret, will you
please hand me these
things on the beat.
-You're the one who's off.
-Well, let's get together.
Clamp, two, three, four.
Sponge, two, three, four.
Hawk, name that tune.
"Up a Lazy Liver."
No, no. It's "Musical Clock."
-Tell me what it's from.
-Mr. Belvedere Goes to Korea?
No, it's the theme song
from The Late, Late Show.
Why are you
telling me all this?
We hardly know each other.
Whenever I heard that at home,
I knew it was my turn
to go out in the kitchen
and heat Erin's formula.
I miss that little kid.
He's hemorrhaging.
Suction, Margaret.
We've got a lacerated aorta.
Pump in two more units
of whole blood fast.
MARGARET: Klinger,
get two more units of
AB negative, now.
AB negative?
You might as well ask
for a ticket home.
We only had two units
in the bank,
and it went
in the first wave.
Well, do what you can
to get us some more.
-I'm doing.
-Start him on plasma.
Margaret, vaso clamp.
Let's get this bleeding
under control.
♪♪ [continues]
Okay, now we do
the old double reverse.
Collect all his blood,
filter it, and give it
back to him in post-op.
Radar, for my next patient,
I'd like something in a waltz.
"And now, music lovers,
"here's some music
you might love.
"It's called, uh...
'Wish... Wish You..."'
Uh, I can't see it
'cause the record's spinning.
Well, here it is,
whatever it is.
♪♪ ["Wish You Were Here"]
Okay, today's mess tent
special: thermometers.
Each and every one contains
mercury on the inside
with just enough alcohol
on the outside
to make it interesting.
-♪♪ [continues]
-Listen to that.
I hate that song.
They were playing it
in the pool hall
right before I went in
for my physical.
I'd just put the 3 ball
in the side pocket.
4 in the corner.
Told Hymie
to hold on to my money,
and I'd be back
in a half hour
-with 4-F printed on my chest.
-So what happened?
I walked in there
talking Lebanese.
I had my eyes crossed.
I had measle dots
painted on my face.
It went over
like a lead salami.
I wonder if Hymie
still has my money.
Each and every one
contains numbers up to 106.
-Oh, nurse?
-Yes, Major?
There's something
on this man's chart
that I-- I don't understand.
See, it says here,
"Lima beans and cube steak
in country gravy."
Am I to administer that
or treat it?
Sorry, doctor. That's a menu.
This is usually
the mess tent, you know.
Ah. Do inform the cook,
lest he believe this man
to be the patient du jour.
♪♪
Ah, "May the Good Lord
Bless and Keep You."
They're playing
your song, Father.
Well, actually,
I requested "Tico, Tico."
-But this is very nice too.
-Yes, it is.
I haven't seen so many people
horizontal in this place
since New Year's Eve.
At least those people
were able to walk in.
Wanna join me at the bar
for a shot of cough syrup?
Well, looks like
he's having the usual.
Why? Why do I have
to move my foodstuffs
into Potter's tent
when they're allowed to leave
this ridiculous distillery here?
Will you stop griping?
Haven't you heard?
There's a police action on.
That's easy enough
for you, Major.
You're not being forced
out of your own quarters.
-Charles, you know
what this is?
-What?
It's the world's
smallest violin,
and it's playing just for you.
And I thought you
were different.
Charles, did you pack
the napkin rings?
There are some things
I just refuse to do without.
You I expect it from.
Amazing.
Charles leaving in a huff.
He usually goes out in a snit.
Just so long as he goes.
-How's he doin'?
-Not good.
That's the last
of his own blood.
Then we're back on plasma.
What about the AB donors?
The road to Seoul is out.
Nobody can find the 8055
and the 8063
is worse off than we are.
And now a rhythmic
room-shaker requested by
Corporal Max "I Wanna
Get Out Of Here" Klinger.
It'll be coming your way
as soon as I put
a new fang in
the old tone-arm cobra.
Fang in the tone-arm cobra?
They found an AB negative donor
at Tokyo General.
-MARGARET: Wonderful!
-Not so wonderful.
-He's in for hepatitis.
-Bull's-eye.
Of course.
We got anybody else?
A guy with a bomb disposal unit
ten miles from here.
But he's out on R & R.
They're tryin' to find him now.
There's never a bomb disposer
around when you need one.
How long do you think he's got?
We better fill him up soon.
Blood all over this camp,
and none of it the right type.
♪♪ ["If I Knew You Were Coming,
I'd Have Baked a Cake"]
You'll excuse me
if I don't dance.
And a big hello, you daddy-o's,
mommy-o's and N.C.O.s
from Big Daddy O'Reilly.
Big Daddy, just
play the records.
Got ya covered, big cat.
-What?
-Uh, that means yes, sir.
Real cool.
Here's a mover
and a groover,
and it ain't
by Herbert Hoover.
It's for all you
animal and music lovers.
"The Cincinnati Dancin' Pig."
-♪♪ [jazz]
-[ringing]
You say it and I'll play it.
Yeah, MASH 4077.
Yeah, hold on a second.
Go ahead.
Yeah. Right.
Ooh, he is, huh?
Okay, I'll tell 'em
all. Great.
-♪♪ [stops]
-Attention, all personnel,
especially Hawkeye.
A Big Daddy bulletin.
Your AB negative
is on the way.
It'll be here sometime
after sundown, which is now.
-Okay, pig, dance.
-♪♪ [continues]
Hot diggity!
That's the first good news
I've heard in two days.
Remember you heard
it here first, sir.
Radar, you take
requests, right?
I don't have anything
from World War I, sir.
Button it. You have
"Sentimental Journey"?
-Oh, Colonel.
-Do you have it?
-Well, yeah, but--
-Play it.
Okay, but there's a lot
of people ahead of you,
mostly wounded.
It may not be
till later this evening.
Corporal,
let me remind you.
I own this station.
It's coming right up, boss.
Uh, Colonel. Owner.
Real cool.
♪♪ [continues]
-[knocking]
-Come on in, bunkies.
Oh, talk about plush.
When I grow up,
I wanna be a colonel.
All right, this is my room.
Those are yours.
I don't know. The desk clerk
promised me an ocean view.
-Not even room for complaints.
-Leave an aisle.
I make a lot of trips
during the night.
Go for me, too, will ya?
This thing should come
with an instruction manual.
Oh,
there's nothing to it.
Stand back.
I'm gonna blow mine up.
It's as easy as one, two...
Come on, will ya?
There. Good thing only
my top half is sleepy.
I think mine's alive.
Hope none of you boys
are sleepwalkers.
Well, I used to be.
My mother cured me
with psychology.
-Scattered tacks on the floor.
-[knocking]
Nobody here but us sardines.
Oh, now, really.
This is impossible.
Major, there's a couple
of inches for you right here.
I refuse to sleep standing up.
Why? We do it all
the time in O.R.
I'm sure you do.
I, however, am neither
an incompetent nor a horse.
-Well, then, what are you?
-I demand a space for my cot!
Hello, room service?
Send up a larger room.
Come on, you birds.
Let's roost.
-My crib was larger
than this tent.
-Of course.
-He had to have room
for the tennis court.
-[sarcastic chuckle]
Oh!
Gee, and there's room
for us too.
A little lumpy,
but it'll do.
Now that that's settled,
good night.
Get your filthy feet
off me. Get them off!
[both yell]
I hope you all have
nightmares.
Will you guys quit
horsing around?
-[door closes]
-And now, for
the third time tonight,
a request from our
commanding station manager,
that moldy oldie,
"Sentimental Journey."
-♪♪ [swing]
-[groaning]
Again? Colonel...
there's gotta be
something special about
that record for you.
Yeah, there is, but I don't know
if I should tell you boys.
Oh, come on, Daddy.
We want a story.
Well, every time
I hear that song,
it reminds me of a very
special young lady.
Mildred?
No, after Mildred.
TOGETHER: Oh-ho!
Happened about
a dozen years ago
when I was stationed
at Fort Dix.
One night, some of the boys
and I went up to New York
to hear Les Brown
and His Band of Renown.
Well, I was sort of
just lookin'around
when suddenly, walkin'
across the dance floor...
there she was,
this willowy blonde beauty.
I was in love.
Well, the band
started playing.
The vocalist started singing
"Sentimental Journey."
I looked up to see
that I had fallen
in love with Doris Day.
I'm glad Mildred
wasn't there.
I couldn't have handled it.
I have never taken her
to a Doris Day movie.
I've seen 'em all... alone.
Sometimes I feel bad
that Mildred doesn't know.
But then I remember,
Doris doesn't know, either.
[tires screech, horn honks]
CHARLES: Watch out, you idiot!
MAN: Get out of the way.
You're gonna be sorry
you got in the way!
-I'll bet that's
your blood donor.
-Yeah.
I can smell his
R & R from here.
We must be gettin'
closer to town.
We're hittin' more people.
A guy can't sleep anywhere!
Try the minefield,
Charles. It's quieter.
I hate this place!
Oh, boy. This guy is a beaut.
I don't know what good Bloody
Mary here is gonna do ya.
-He's on the rocks.
-You'd be surprised.
I've seen successful
transfusions with 20% alcohol.
Twenty percent?
That'd give Dracula
a lost weekend.
♪ Gonna drink
a sentimental journey ♪
♪ So show me
the way to go home ♪
-This guy's in bomb disposal?
-He's bombed, all right.
We didn't need headlights.
His nose lit us all the way.
Hey, where's my old buddy,
Sergeant Grale?
-Zale. Zale!
-Hey, there ya are.
Hey, you're a cute little
bugger, ya little bugger.
Watch it.
You're wilting the face.
Come on, you booze hound.
Well, we're either gonna
get blood or vin ordinaire.
Unbottle him,
dilute him with black coffee,
and pour him
into the Swamp.
And don't spill anything.
We need it all.
Well, good luck with this one.
After he saves
the kid's life,
I'm gonna hook him
up to the still.
-[knocking]
-Come in.
Take that somewhere else.
I've got no more room.
Margaret, it's me--
Charles.
What are you doing dragging
a cot around the compound?
I'm looking for a place
to spend the night.
Forget it!
Margaret, there is
no other place.
Uh-uh. N-O.
Margaret, on this occasion,
allow me to be frank.
Frank? I beg your pardon?
No, no. No, I didn't... I meant
Frank with a little "F."
I didn't mean
that other Frank.
I know what you mean.
Margaret, there are two reasons
why you should not be worried.
One, you are a married woman.
Two, I am exhausted.
And three, you won't be here.
Margaret, we are both adults.
Yes, of the opposite sex.
♪♪ [swing]
How you feelin', Sarge?
Good as ever.
I can handle it now.
Where's the bomb?
Four cups of coffee
and he's even drunker.
Why don't we just lie down right
here, sergeant?
-Right here.
-Lie down?
-Yeah.
-What for?
We're gonna play
gas station.
-You're the pump.
-And he's out of gas.
What are you...
What are you doin'?
Hey. Hey, that's--
that's not a bomb.
He's sobering up.
He's able to
distinguish objects.
That's a needle!
What are you gonna do?
Take blood out of your arm
and put it into his arm.
See, he needs alcohol, but
he can't drink it straight.
Oh, no! You're not gonna
put no needle in me.
I can't stand it.
I pass out.
It's okay.
You'll be lying down anyway.
You don't understand.
Look, I really pass out.
I can't stand those things.
They--They make me feel oogie.
I know how he feels.
I get that way
from peanut butter.
-It's okay, Sarge.
Take it easy.
-No!
-It won't hurt.
-Help!
-Help!
-Talk about getting
blood from the stoned.
-Sarge!
-Help! Help!
Margaret, I tried post-op.
I tried the mess tent.
I even tried the compound.
I almost got run over.
-Better luck next time.
-Help!
-Save me!
-Who are you?
I was here first.
Hide me, please!
They're trying to kill me!
Who's trying to kill you?
They are,
with that... needle.
Don't mind him, folks.
He's just a volunteer.
Well, what have we here?
You two kids have
the whole house to yourselves?
What are you doing?
-Oh, no!
-Get him out of here!
-No!
-Margaret, will you be quiet?
You're making him
nervous.
-Move him!
-Makes a great chaperone.
Get out!
Let's get him
back to the Swamp
before somebody
lights a match.
Let's go, Bourbon Street.
ZALE: Come on, you bum.
What is going on here?
We asked you first.
Margaret, if he snores
during the night,
make him go back
to his own cot.
-How dare you!
-Bless you, my children.
-Get out!
-Don't they make
a lovely couple?
Come on. They want to be alone.
Woo-woo-woo!
Now you see what I
put up with...
You and your cot, get out!
-I haven't had any--
-Get that cot
out of here! Out!
Out!
It's almost dawn.
I want to thank you
for the charming evening.
Perhaps there's a nice
deserted roof somewhere.
♪♪ [slow jazz ]
Mon Capitans, I bring
you good news from
the corpuscle front.
New donors are on the way,
and you'll soon be
able to unhook
this clean, wholesome youth
from this stinking drunk.
How is the patient,
by the way?
Pulse is 88.
Blood pressure 94 over 60.
I bet you he wakes up
singing "Sweet Adeline."
And he wakes up singing
"How Dry I Am."
It's beddy-bye time
for you, sir.
Unhand me, you varlet.
You know not whom you touch.
Come on, Captain.
The crisis is over, huh?
What do you say?
-Don't ask. Just take him.
-Take, take.
That's all anybody does.
Does anybody give around here?
All right.
Give me your arm.
Who's there?
Who's there?
It's okay, Harker.
Who are you?
I'm a doctor.
A very tired doctor.
-My stomach hurts.
-I know.
We'll give you something for it
when you're a little stronger.
-Am I gonna die?
-Of course not.
You're not gonna die, either.
♪♪ ["Sentimental Journey"]
[sighs]
You know, uh,
this is Radar, mike-side,
talking to you over the mike,
and this is
the 23rd playing,
of the old
"Sentimental Journey."
You know, I've really enjoyed
staying up all night
playing this tune.
And now that
we've all heard it
we'll never forget it,
including me
'cause I've
played it 23 times.
And you folks have
been so kind
with your requests
and your kind requests
that I just wanted to tell you
that I'm gonna stay here
on this sentimental journey
for 12 more hours.
How's that, you hot potatoes
out there in MASH-land?
-♪♪ [stops]
-You just signed off.
But, sir, my
loyal listeners...
Are the ones that asked me
to shut you off.
-Oh.
-Don't feel too bad.
You did a good job.
You kept us going at
a crucial time.
-I'm proud of you, son.
-Thank you, sir.
And for the first time
in 12 years,
I can honestly say I'm
sick and tired of Doris Day.
What do you mean, I lose?
Look, I got a full house.
All you've got is a
lousy pair of checkers.
Plus the fact
that my 10 of hearts
has your bishop
ready to convert.
-Is he following the rules?
-What rules?
Ah. Now it makes sense.
Sergeant Walter Gribble
requests permission to say
good-bye, Colonel.
-Permission granted, Sergeant.
-Good-bye, Colonel.
Good-bye, Sergeant.
You know, uh, it's a
pleasure to be able to help
dismantle that bomb.
-You ever need me again,
just call.
-Oh, we will.
-You do fine work.
-Thanks. You know,
bomb disposal is not only
a highly technical
and complex job
but a very dangerous one.
-May I?
-Oh, please.
Too much rice.
I could tell you stories that
would set your hair on edge.
I'm sure you could.
Colonel, you owe me 17...
I'll never forget
this one time
when this nut put a bomb
in his colonel's briefcase.
It was attached to the lock,
and I had to cut
-right through the briefcase.
-Gee, it's time for rounds.
Had to cut right through
so I would not touch the, uh...
Excuse me. I have to run.
Colonel, you owe me
17 dollars and 12 cents.
I think we should go
again, all right?
I think you're ready
for Triple Cranko.
♪♪ [theme]
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
No casualties for
the 11th straight day.
O.R. will remain open for
cuticle and wart removal.
Come early, win a door prize.
-Check.
-That's what you think.
Three of diamonds!
Crown my king.
-Thank you.
-It's nothing.
You're cheating.
How can I cheat?
There are no rules.
Oh, yeah.
Knight to knight seven.
Full house, you hustler.
-Oh, really?
-Uh-huh.
-Gin.
-Gin it is.
-Thank you.
-Let's set up the board again.
This time, I get to play
cards and checkers.
Oh, no, no, no.
That's not fair
because whoever has the cards
and checkers always wins.
-[knocking]
-Well, that's what I--
Don't-- Don't look.
Don't look.
Five bucks says
that's Father Mulcahy.
[chuckles]
Ten'll get you Radar.
-You're on.
-Come in.
Afternoon, sirs.
Aah! Radar,
you're the last person
I wanted to see!
Radar, old buddy,
lookin' at you is
like money in the bank.
All the other tents,
they just say hello.
-Would you like to join us?
-What are you playin'?
-Double Cranko.
-Yeah.
-Bishops are worth
three jacks.
-Right.
-Checkers are wild.
-Uh-huh.
And you have to be
21 or over to open.
Ah.
-Care to sit in for a hand?
-You'll get out by dawn.
Uh, no, thank you, sirs.
Whenever I lose,
I always like to know why.
Actually, I just come in
to see Major Winchester.
Now I'm confused.
I just want to borrow
his record player.
We just got a new
shipment of records in
from Special Services.
Colonel Potter says I could
play 'em over the P.A.
if I can find something
to play 'em over on.
That should be great
for breaking up the monotony.
I don't know. You know,
I remember their last batch.
"Andy Devine
Sings Cole Porter."
Oh, no. These are all new.
There's some really
swingin' jazz stuff.
Radar, say no more.
Here you are.
Compliments
of Major Winchester.
Uh, sir, I can't take it
without his permission.
He loves for people
to borrow his things.
-No, it's not right.
-Come on, come on.
I take
full responsibility.
Just don't tell him
I gave it to you.
I don't know about this.
Go on, quick, before Charles
changes his mind.
Okay. You guys
thank him for me, okay?
I'll be sure
not to do that.
Gee, it's nice
to be nice.
Ready to start?
Okay, let's flip the board
to see who goes first.
Call it in the air.
There you are, kid.
We're ready to go on
the air from one end
of the camp to the other.
Oh, my gosh.
Pick up that mike and
announce the first tune.
Right.
Uhh...
-That's it?
-Oh, come on, Klinger.
I don't know what to say.
Well, just put it
in your own words.
I don't have any
of my own words.
I just use
everybody else's.
Come on. You speak into
this thing all the time.
Yeah, but I never
jockeyed a disc before.
I mean, I don't know
what those guys say.
Have no fear, kid.
I'll tell you what to say.
What, you know
about this stuff?
Are you kidding?
Remember that payola scandal
in Toledo two years ago?
My uncle Bob
gets out next month.
Oh, well, then maybe you should
be the announcer.
Me talk into this thing?
Not a chance. Here.
Just say your name,
then the song.
It's simple.
Okay.
Hi.
[chuckles]
This is Corporal--
No, this is Radar.
Um, I just thought you
might like to hear, uh...
No, uh, I got a--
We just got a
shipment of, uh...
Yeah, uh, I'm gonna
play a record for you.
-♪♪ [swing]
-[chuckles]
Not so terrific, huh?
I better write you some stuff.
What kind of stuff?
Disc jockey talk.
You know, uh,
"Hey, this is your platter
pusher, Radar O'Reilly,
slidin' on some hot sides
for all you cats
and hot dog ladies."
Dig it?
I don't understand
a thing you just said.
Good. Neither will they.
I don't think I was
cut out to be talented.
-Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
-What?
-Wait a minute. Attention.
-♪♪ [stops]
Attention, all personnel.
Incoming choppers.
Sounds like plenty.
All medical teams report
to triage on the double.
Over here.
Set this man down here.
The Chinese are throwing
everything they got
across the parallel.
The 8055th has bugged out.
The 8063rd is overloaded.
We're getting
everybody's casualties.
The whole enchilada.
Fractured skull. Possible
hematoma. Dilated pupils.
-Prep him stat.
-We're running
out of room, sir.
Make room.
This guy can't wait.
KLINGER: Geez. Where
are they coming from?
Everywhere. The question is
where are we gonna put 'em?
Charles, I got a bus
full of belly wounds.
-In a moment.
-Now, Charles!
I've got a compound fracture
here, and it's bleeding.
-Bones have to wait.
-Well, Colonel,
I beg to differ.
That's an order,
not an opinion.
The most opinionated
order I've ever heard.
-Klinger!
-Yes, sir.
Type and cross match for
two units whole blood.
-Prep him stat.
-Yes, sir.
Radar! Oh.
What happened to the music?
Well, I figured with all the
casualties and all you'd...
No, no. no. no.
Get back in there and play
something soft and mushy.
We're gonna need all
the sedatives we can get.
Yes, sir. I'll get on
the slow stuff real fast.
What'd I tell you?
You're a hit.
Yeah, I guess so.
-[helicopter overhead]
-More choppers.
As if we weren't
busy enough.
Hotel's already full.
What do we do now?
We move the help.
As of now, the Officers'
Club, the mess tent,
the Swamp, the post-ops
two, three and four,
in that order.
And we thought
this was the off-season.
♪♪ [jazz]
CHARLES:
I have a suggestion.
I will loan Radar one of
my classical recordings
to relieve this pop
nightmare.
Nah, you've done
enough, Charles.
We're already using
your phonograph.
What?
Without my consent?
I want it back
right this second!
Relax, Major.
I just made it
your contribution
to the emergency.
Music is medicine
right now.
Just once I would like
to offer something
before it is taken
from me.
-Clamp.
-Clamp.
-Sponge.
-Sponge.
Margaret, will you
please hand me these
things on the beat.
-You're the one who's off.
-Well, let's get together.
Clamp, two, three, four.
Sponge, two, three, four.
Hawk, name that tune.
"Up a Lazy Liver."
No, no. It's "Musical Clock."
-Tell me what it's from.
-Mr. Belvedere Goes to Korea?
No, it's the theme song
from The Late, Late Show.
Why are you
telling me all this?
We hardly know each other.
Whenever I heard that at home,
I knew it was my turn
to go out in the kitchen
and heat Erin's formula.
I miss that little kid.
He's hemorrhaging.
Suction, Margaret.
We've got a lacerated aorta.
Pump in two more units
of whole blood fast.
MARGARET: Klinger,
get two more units of
AB negative, now.
AB negative?
You might as well ask
for a ticket home.
We only had two units
in the bank,
and it went
in the first wave.
Well, do what you can
to get us some more.
-I'm doing.
-Start him on plasma.
Margaret, vaso clamp.
Let's get this bleeding
under control.
♪♪ [continues]
Okay, now we do
the old double reverse.
Collect all his blood,
filter it, and give it
back to him in post-op.
Radar, for my next patient,
I'd like something in a waltz.
"And now, music lovers,
"here's some music
you might love.
"It's called, uh...
'Wish... Wish You..."'
Uh, I can't see it
'cause the record's spinning.
Well, here it is,
whatever it is.
♪♪ ["Wish You Were Here"]
Okay, today's mess tent
special: thermometers.
Each and every one contains
mercury on the inside
with just enough alcohol
on the outside
to make it interesting.
-♪♪ [continues]
-Listen to that.
I hate that song.
They were playing it
in the pool hall
right before I went in
for my physical.
I'd just put the 3 ball
in the side pocket.
4 in the corner.
Told Hymie
to hold on to my money,
and I'd be back
in a half hour
-with 4-F printed on my chest.
-So what happened?
I walked in there
talking Lebanese.
I had my eyes crossed.
I had measle dots
painted on my face.
It went over
like a lead salami.
I wonder if Hymie
still has my money.
Each and every one
contains numbers up to 106.
-Oh, nurse?
-Yes, Major?
There's something
on this man's chart
that I-- I don't understand.
See, it says here,
"Lima beans and cube steak
in country gravy."
Am I to administer that
or treat it?
Sorry, doctor. That's a menu.
This is usually
the mess tent, you know.
Ah. Do inform the cook,
lest he believe this man
to be the patient du jour.
♪♪
Ah, "May the Good Lord
Bless and Keep You."
They're playing
your song, Father.
Well, actually,
I requested "Tico, Tico."
-But this is very nice too.
-Yes, it is.
I haven't seen so many people
horizontal in this place
since New Year's Eve.
At least those people
were able to walk in.
Wanna join me at the bar
for a shot of cough syrup?
Well, looks like
he's having the usual.
Why? Why do I have
to move my foodstuffs
into Potter's tent
when they're allowed to leave
this ridiculous distillery here?
Will you stop griping?
Haven't you heard?
There's a police action on.
That's easy enough
for you, Major.
You're not being forced
out of your own quarters.
-Charles, you know
what this is?
-What?
It's the world's
smallest violin,
and it's playing just for you.
And I thought you
were different.
Charles, did you pack
the napkin rings?
There are some things
I just refuse to do without.
You I expect it from.
Amazing.
Charles leaving in a huff.
He usually goes out in a snit.
Just so long as he goes.
-How's he doin'?
-Not good.
That's the last
of his own blood.
Then we're back on plasma.
What about the AB donors?
The road to Seoul is out.
Nobody can find the 8055
and the 8063
is worse off than we are.
And now a rhythmic
room-shaker requested by
Corporal Max "I Wanna
Get Out Of Here" Klinger.
It'll be coming your way
as soon as I put
a new fang in
the old tone-arm cobra.
Fang in the tone-arm cobra?
They found an AB negative donor
at Tokyo General.
-MARGARET: Wonderful!
-Not so wonderful.
-He's in for hepatitis.
-Bull's-eye.
Of course.
We got anybody else?
A guy with a bomb disposal unit
ten miles from here.
But he's out on R & R.
They're tryin' to find him now.
There's never a bomb disposer
around when you need one.
How long do you think he's got?
We better fill him up soon.
Blood all over this camp,
and none of it the right type.
♪♪ ["If I Knew You Were Coming,
I'd Have Baked a Cake"]
You'll excuse me
if I don't dance.
And a big hello, you daddy-o's,
mommy-o's and N.C.O.s
from Big Daddy O'Reilly.
Big Daddy, just
play the records.
Got ya covered, big cat.
-What?
-Uh, that means yes, sir.
Real cool.
Here's a mover
and a groover,
and it ain't
by Herbert Hoover.
It's for all you
animal and music lovers.
"The Cincinnati Dancin' Pig."
-♪♪ [jazz]
-[ringing]
You say it and I'll play it.
Yeah, MASH 4077.
Yeah, hold on a second.
Go ahead.
Yeah. Right.
Ooh, he is, huh?
Okay, I'll tell 'em
all. Great.
-♪♪ [stops]
-Attention, all personnel,
especially Hawkeye.
A Big Daddy bulletin.
Your AB negative
is on the way.
It'll be here sometime
after sundown, which is now.
-Okay, pig, dance.
-♪♪ [continues]
Hot diggity!
That's the first good news
I've heard in two days.
Remember you heard
it here first, sir.
Radar, you take
requests, right?
I don't have anything
from World War I, sir.
Button it. You have
"Sentimental Journey"?
-Oh, Colonel.
-Do you have it?
-Well, yeah, but--
-Play it.
Okay, but there's a lot
of people ahead of you,
mostly wounded.
It may not be
till later this evening.
Corporal,
let me remind you.
I own this station.
It's coming right up, boss.
Uh, Colonel. Owner.
Real cool.
♪♪ [continues]
-[knocking]
-Come on in, bunkies.
Oh, talk about plush.
When I grow up,
I wanna be a colonel.
All right, this is my room.
Those are yours.
I don't know. The desk clerk
promised me an ocean view.
-Not even room for complaints.
-Leave an aisle.
I make a lot of trips
during the night.
Go for me, too, will ya?
This thing should come
with an instruction manual.
Oh,
there's nothing to it.
Stand back.
I'm gonna blow mine up.
It's as easy as one, two...
Come on, will ya?
There. Good thing only
my top half is sleepy.
I think mine's alive.
Hope none of you boys
are sleepwalkers.
Well, I used to be.
My mother cured me
with psychology.
-Scattered tacks on the floor.
-[knocking]
Nobody here but us sardines.
Oh, now, really.
This is impossible.
Major, there's a couple
of inches for you right here.
I refuse to sleep standing up.
Why? We do it all
the time in O.R.
I'm sure you do.
I, however, am neither
an incompetent nor a horse.
-Well, then, what are you?
-I demand a space for my cot!
Hello, room service?
Send up a larger room.
Come on, you birds.
Let's roost.
-My crib was larger
than this tent.
-Of course.
-He had to have room
for the tennis court.
-[sarcastic chuckle]
Oh!
Gee, and there's room
for us too.
A little lumpy,
but it'll do.
Now that that's settled,
good night.
Get your filthy feet
off me. Get them off!
[both yell]
I hope you all have
nightmares.
Will you guys quit
horsing around?
-[door closes]
-And now, for
the third time tonight,
a request from our
commanding station manager,
that moldy oldie,
"Sentimental Journey."
-♪♪ [swing]
-[groaning]
Again? Colonel...
there's gotta be
something special about
that record for you.
Yeah, there is, but I don't know
if I should tell you boys.
Oh, come on, Daddy.
We want a story.
Well, every time
I hear that song,
it reminds me of a very
special young lady.
Mildred?
No, after Mildred.
TOGETHER: Oh-ho!
Happened about
a dozen years ago
when I was stationed
at Fort Dix.
One night, some of the boys
and I went up to New York
to hear Les Brown
and His Band of Renown.
Well, I was sort of
just lookin'around
when suddenly, walkin'
across the dance floor...
there she was,
this willowy blonde beauty.
I was in love.
Well, the band
started playing.
The vocalist started singing
"Sentimental Journey."
I looked up to see
that I had fallen
in love with Doris Day.
I'm glad Mildred
wasn't there.
I couldn't have handled it.
I have never taken her
to a Doris Day movie.
I've seen 'em all... alone.
Sometimes I feel bad
that Mildred doesn't know.
But then I remember,
Doris doesn't know, either.
[tires screech, horn honks]
CHARLES: Watch out, you idiot!
MAN: Get out of the way.
You're gonna be sorry
you got in the way!
-I'll bet that's
your blood donor.
-Yeah.
I can smell his
R & R from here.
We must be gettin'
closer to town.
We're hittin' more people.
A guy can't sleep anywhere!
Try the minefield,
Charles. It's quieter.
I hate this place!
Oh, boy. This guy is a beaut.
I don't know what good Bloody
Mary here is gonna do ya.
-He's on the rocks.
-You'd be surprised.
I've seen successful
transfusions with 20% alcohol.
Twenty percent?
That'd give Dracula
a lost weekend.
♪ Gonna drink
a sentimental journey ♪
♪ So show me
the way to go home ♪
-This guy's in bomb disposal?
-He's bombed, all right.
We didn't need headlights.
His nose lit us all the way.
Hey, where's my old buddy,
Sergeant Grale?
-Zale. Zale!
-Hey, there ya are.
Hey, you're a cute little
bugger, ya little bugger.
Watch it.
You're wilting the face.
Come on, you booze hound.
Well, we're either gonna
get blood or vin ordinaire.
Unbottle him,
dilute him with black coffee,
and pour him
into the Swamp.
And don't spill anything.
We need it all.
Well, good luck with this one.
After he saves
the kid's life,
I'm gonna hook him
up to the still.
-[knocking]
-Come in.
Take that somewhere else.
I've got no more room.
Margaret, it's me--
Charles.
What are you doing dragging
a cot around the compound?
I'm looking for a place
to spend the night.
Forget it!
Margaret, there is
no other place.
Uh-uh. N-O.
Margaret, on this occasion,
allow me to be frank.
Frank? I beg your pardon?
No, no. No, I didn't... I meant
Frank with a little "F."
I didn't mean
that other Frank.
I know what you mean.
Margaret, there are two reasons
why you should not be worried.
One, you are a married woman.
Two, I am exhausted.
And three, you won't be here.
Margaret, we are both adults.
Yes, of the opposite sex.
♪♪ [swing]
How you feelin', Sarge?
Good as ever.
I can handle it now.
Where's the bomb?
Four cups of coffee
and he's even drunker.
Why don't we just lie down right
here, sergeant?
-Right here.
-Lie down?
-Yeah.
-What for?
We're gonna play
gas station.
-You're the pump.
-And he's out of gas.
What are you...
What are you doin'?
Hey. Hey, that's--
that's not a bomb.
He's sobering up.
He's able to
distinguish objects.
That's a needle!
What are you gonna do?
Take blood out of your arm
and put it into his arm.
See, he needs alcohol, but
he can't drink it straight.
Oh, no! You're not gonna
put no needle in me.
I can't stand it.
I pass out.
It's okay.
You'll be lying down anyway.
You don't understand.
Look, I really pass out.
I can't stand those things.
They--They make me feel oogie.
I know how he feels.
I get that way
from peanut butter.
-It's okay, Sarge.
Take it easy.
-No!
-It won't hurt.
-Help!
-Help!
-Talk about getting
blood from the stoned.
-Sarge!
-Help! Help!
Margaret, I tried post-op.
I tried the mess tent.
I even tried the compound.
I almost got run over.
-Better luck next time.
-Help!
-Save me!
-Who are you?
I was here first.
Hide me, please!
They're trying to kill me!
Who's trying to kill you?
They are,
with that... needle.
Don't mind him, folks.
He's just a volunteer.
Well, what have we here?
You two kids have
the whole house to yourselves?
What are you doing?
-Oh, no!
-Get him out of here!
-No!
-Margaret, will you be quiet?
You're making him
nervous.
-Move him!
-Makes a great chaperone.
Get out!
Let's get him
back to the Swamp
before somebody
lights a match.
Let's go, Bourbon Street.
ZALE: Come on, you bum.
What is going on here?
We asked you first.
Margaret, if he snores
during the night,
make him go back
to his own cot.
-How dare you!
-Bless you, my children.
-Get out!
-Don't they make
a lovely couple?
Come on. They want to be alone.
Woo-woo-woo!
Now you see what I
put up with...
You and your cot, get out!
-I haven't had any--
-Get that cot
out of here! Out!
Out!
It's almost dawn.
I want to thank you
for the charming evening.
Perhaps there's a nice
deserted roof somewhere.
♪♪ [slow jazz ]
Mon Capitans, I bring
you good news from
the corpuscle front.
New donors are on the way,
and you'll soon be
able to unhook
this clean, wholesome youth
from this stinking drunk.
How is the patient,
by the way?
Pulse is 88.
Blood pressure 94 over 60.
I bet you he wakes up
singing "Sweet Adeline."
And he wakes up singing
"How Dry I Am."
It's beddy-bye time
for you, sir.
Unhand me, you varlet.
You know not whom you touch.
Come on, Captain.
The crisis is over, huh?
What do you say?
-Don't ask. Just take him.
-Take, take.
That's all anybody does.
Does anybody give around here?
All right.
Give me your arm.
Who's there?
Who's there?
It's okay, Harker.
Who are you?
I'm a doctor.
A very tired doctor.
-My stomach hurts.
-I know.
We'll give you something for it
when you're a little stronger.
-Am I gonna die?
-Of course not.
You're not gonna die, either.
♪♪ ["Sentimental Journey"]
[sighs]
You know, uh,
this is Radar, mike-side,
talking to you over the mike,
and this is
the 23rd playing,
of the old
"Sentimental Journey."
You know, I've really enjoyed
staying up all night
playing this tune.
And now that
we've all heard it
we'll never forget it,
including me
'cause I've
played it 23 times.
And you folks have
been so kind
with your requests
and your kind requests
that I just wanted to tell you
that I'm gonna stay here
on this sentimental journey
for 12 more hours.
How's that, you hot potatoes
out there in MASH-land?
-♪♪ [stops]
-You just signed off.
But, sir, my
loyal listeners...
Are the ones that asked me
to shut you off.
-Oh.
-Don't feel too bad.
You did a good job.
You kept us going at
a crucial time.
-I'm proud of you, son.
-Thank you, sir.
And for the first time
in 12 years,
I can honestly say I'm
sick and tired of Doris Day.
What do you mean, I lose?
Look, I got a full house.
All you've got is a
lousy pair of checkers.
Plus the fact
that my 10 of hearts
has your bishop
ready to convert.
-Is he following the rules?
-What rules?
Ah. Now it makes sense.
Sergeant Walter Gribble
requests permission to say
good-bye, Colonel.
-Permission granted, Sergeant.
-Good-bye, Colonel.
Good-bye, Sergeant.
You know, uh, it's a
pleasure to be able to help
dismantle that bomb.
-You ever need me again,
just call.
-Oh, we will.
-You do fine work.
-Thanks. You know,
bomb disposal is not only
a highly technical
and complex job
but a very dangerous one.
-May I?
-Oh, please.
Too much rice.
I could tell you stories that
would set your hair on edge.
I'm sure you could.
Colonel, you owe me 17...
I'll never forget
this one time
when this nut put a bomb
in his colonel's briefcase.
It was attached to the lock,
and I had to cut
-right through the briefcase.
-Gee, it's time for rounds.
Had to cut right through
so I would not touch the, uh...
Excuse me. I have to run.
Colonel, you owe me
17 dollars and 12 cents.
I think we should go
again, all right?
I think you're ready
for Triple Cranko.
♪♪ [theme]