M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 6, Episode 16 - Patent 4077 - full transcript
Hawkeye is fed up with having to work with inadequate surgical equipment, so he tries to find somebody to create a makeshift clamp for him. And Klinger tries to find Margaret's wedding ring after it was accidentally thrown out with the trash.
♪♪ [theme]
-Suction.
-Suction.
POTTER:
How's his pressure?
You're okay, Colonel.
130 over 80.
B.J.:
Ready to close, 3.0 silk.
CHARLES: Get this man draped
so I can get on with it.
HAWKEYE: You know, Margaret,
this'd go a lot easier
if I had a magic wand.
In lieu of your
surgical shortcomings?
Oh, he got you
that time, Mandrake.
How can my head
ever compete with his?
Mine's all covered
with hair.
He got you that time, baldy.
Would you boys please
use those scalpels
on your patients?
More suction.
Damn, Margaret!
It's bleeding again.
Can't you hold that
clamp any tighter?
Doctor, cursing
is not necessary.
I'm doing the best I can.
It's this damn instrument!
I know. I know.
Just stay in there.
If you can't stop
that artery from bleeding,
this transplant won't work.
We might as well
write off the leg.
I'm ready when you
need me, Hawkeye.
Thanks, Father,
but what I really need
is a vascular clamp
that's small enough
to control an artery
without crushing it.
Well, don't we have one?
No. This clamp is mainly
for heart surgery.
It's just not designed
for the smaller arteries
of the leg.
-It's holding for now.
-Attagirl, Margaret.
Why don't we just
get the right one?
It's not that easy, Padre.
The right one
doesn't exist. Sponge.
Some of the work we're
doing on these kids' legs
hasn't even hit
the textbooks yet.
Chalk it up to the insanity
of war, Father.
Enemy advances
bring medical advances.
If this war goes on
long enough,
we'll find a cure
for everything.
If there's anybody
left to be cured.
Progress.
The Korean conflict.
Dedicated to better health
through suffering.
Doctor, this won't work.
I need both hands
to hold this clamp.
All right, Father. I can use
your hands now. Work suction.
-Right, Hawkeye.
-MARGARET: Take that.
-Thank you.
-Progress.
Two hours on that kid's leg,
and I don't think I did
a damn bit of good.
He'll probably lose it
when he gets to Tokyo.
Tricky operation
with the wrong instrument.
Don't punish
yourself, Hawkeye.
How come the army
can make a gun
that'll level a village
30 miles away
but they can't come up
with a tiny surgical tool
that'll help save a man's leg?
Give 'em some time.
Could be no one's
ever thought to ask.
-So let's ask.
-Ask? Why not beg?
Where do we go?
Well, official channels
could take forever.
I remember when I applied
for permission to get married.
By the time the papers came
through, my son was divorced.
Strike official channels.
The guys who can come through
are the Corps of Engineers.
We just tell 'em what we want,
they'll deliver.
They don't have to deliver.
We'll pick it up.
Tell me, Colonel.
How are these bridge
builders going to forge
such a delicate instrument?
Bulldozer?
Winchester, those guys
could build a sailboat
from a pair of skivvies.
Well, what do we do?
Call? Write?
Send up smoke signals? What?
You finish sprucing up.
I'll get 'em on the horn.
Hey, we're inventors.
More like dreamers.
There's
always one skeptic.
Charles,
have a little faith.
Where would we be today
if Alexander Graham Bell
hadn't invented
the busy signal?
If Joseph Cotten hadn't
invented the cotton gin?
You can go on in your usual
sub-humorous way, gentlemen,
but no army engineer
has the expertise
to produce anything more than
a glorified potato peeler.
You know, you have to admit.
He makes a lot of sense.
-All the more reason to try.
-Freeze!
-What?
-What is it?
-It's gone!
-What's gone?
My wedding ring, you idiot!
It just disappeared!
I went to put it on, and I
couldn't because it was gone!
Margaret, calm down.
We'll help you look for it.
Where'd you put it last?
On the shelf
above my clothes.
I always wrap it in tissue paper
and put it there before I scrub.
Oh, Donald's still
paying for that ring.
My God, the woman's raving.
Margaret, all you're gonna
find in there is old sweat.
He'll kill me!
It was exquisite!
Fourteen-karat gold with
tiny stones all around it,
every other three
a diamond chip!
He must've searched
five-and-dimes the world over
to find that ring.
There was an inscription
from Donald inside...
"Over hill, over dale,
our love will never fail."
When it comes to poetry,
Donald's right up there
with the pros.
I've got to get it back!
Hey, is this how you guys
keep your room?
Klinger, have you
seen my wedding band?
It was in the nurses'
changing room,
wrapped with
a piece tissue paper.
-White tissue paper?
-Yes.
Sitting on a shelf
next to a coffee cup?
Yes, yes, that's it!
You found it!
Oh, thank God!
Oh, bless you, Klinger.
I, uh...
I sort of threw it away.
Threw it away!
Margaret, we'll go through
the garbage. We'll find it.
That'll be kind of tough.
The garbage truck just left.
-[cries out]
-Stop explaining
and go catch the garbage man!
Not a chance.
He's gotta be miles from here.
-Klinger!
-I'll get a jeep.
-Margaret. Margaret.
-[panting]
He'll find it, believe me.
[groaning, grunts]
That put her mind
at ease.
You have to know
how to talk to her.
HAWKEYE:
Look, you're an engineer.
For you, it's like making
a big tie clip.
Oh, come on, fella.
You gotta be kidding.
-What?
-He says he's never done
anything like this before.
If you can't land on it
or drive over it,
he doesn't
want to try it.
Give me the phone.
Uh-oh. Now you've done it.
Young man, this is
Colonel Sherman Potter.
My bird wants to talk
to your bird.
Patch me through
to Colonel De Roo
on the double.
He's adorable
when he's gruff.
Colonel De Roo?
Colonel Potter, MASH 4077.
No, no. Our latrines
are plenty deep.
I called to ask you boys
a special favor.
We need to modify
a hunk of surgical equipment.
We can design it,
but we can't make it.
You can? Oh, that's swell.
Ninety days?
That stinks.
Ninety days? Charles
operates faster than that.
You're sure you can't
spare one man right now?
"Wunderbar."
Nice talking to you,
and I'll try to remember
you're on our side.
For the next 90 days,
he's got his whole outfit
building a dam
on the river at Sepyong.
Darn dam! Why don't they
draft a brigade of beavers?
Well, Colonel,
now somebody's asked.
How are you boys
at "do it yourself"?
Well, here we are
in the fender and body shop.
Step one:
Take a break.
Wait, wait.
It can't be that hard.
Let's take it apart first.
And then that way,
it'll be, you know, apart.
I'll handle this.
Give me a screwdriver.
Mr. Screwdriver
coming up.
I'm working on a clamp,
not an ocean liner.
I'll have to look
in the children's department.
Anything smaller, I have to
call the downtown store.
It amazes me that a man
that can perform
miracles in surgery
can be
so mechanically inept.
When I'm loosening a screw,
do I go this way or that way?
I'll call Larry,
Moe, and Curly.
Ah, here it comes.
There.
You're a genius.
Now what do we do?
Well, straighten
one of these out
and go from there.
How do you straighten
one of these out?
Well, let's see. It's
made of surgical steel.
Designed to precise
specifications.
An alloy of delicately
balanced components.
-Hit it with a hammer.
-Of course.
[laughing]
Gentlemen.
What are you doing here?
Well, the colonel
said the two of you
were gonna try and build
the clamp yourselves.
I said to myself, "Charles,
this you have got to see."
Sadist.
I want you to pretend
I'm not here, gentlemen.
Just go about your business,
and I will blend
into the woodwork.
What's in the bag?
My lunch.
I want to eat along.
Hit it with the hammer,
will ya?
[laughing]
-Will you stop laughing!
-Please, I'm not here.
[pounding]
You can hit it harder.
The landlady won't mind.
Will you let me do it my way?
We're gonna be here forever!
-Please, let me have it.
-Fine. Here.
Thank you.
You know, if you were
half a nice guy,
you'd be helping us instead
of turning it into a picnic.
Oh, get off it, Pierce.
The two of you
are fumbling around
like a couple
of Sunday plumbers.
None of us has the expertise
to make
the instrument we need.
At least I have
the sense to admit it.
-That's for being right.
-Thanks.
-Meet you later
under the showers?
-No soap.
Prude.
Another nurse
down the drain.
Hey, I hear you guys
are lookin' to get
some new kind
of surgical gizmo built.
It's a clamp, Zale,
and yes, we are.
Know somebody
that could do it?
-Sure. Sure. Me.
-You know somebody else?
Look, I am a master craftsman.
Nobody appreciates that
'cause I'm stuck in Supply.
Yeah, there's very little
demand for supply.
-You know that jukebox
at the Officers Club?
-Both songs.
Who do you think
puts it back together
after the Marines visit?
Zale, this is a little
more delicate than a jukebox.
Delicate schmelicate.
I can fix or build anything.
With a screwdriver,
I'm a regular Leonard da Vinci.
All right, here's the gizmo.
Basically, we need a clamp
with a new kind of a handle.
More sensitive.
And jaws that won't
crush the artery.
Right, right.
Maybe a screw that's
sensitive to pressure.
-Yeah.
-Sure. Of course.
Hey, I can see it now.
Zale's gift to medicine.
Sleek, compact,
streamlined, gorgeous.
Just make it work, Leonard.
-Klinger!
-Why didn't I keep on driving?
-Well?
-You know, Major,
you have a very
natural beauty.
Why hide it
with a lot of jewelry?
Look, I went through
every garbage bin in Korea.
I even dove into a pile
of burning rubbish
'cause I saw something shiny.
It was only
a lousy gold watch.
Please, get a rifle.
Shoot me.
Put me out of your misery.
Oh, no. You're not
gonna get off that easy.
From now on, I'm gonna
make your life so rotten,
you'll wish you were in combat!
Major, I'm tired, I'm dirty,
and I burned my nose.
On top of that, I'm due
on K.P. in five minutes,
and I won't have
a chance to shower!
How are you gonna make
my life any more rottener?
I'll work on it!
No, no.
That's your move.
-Are you sure?
-Definitely.
-But he can take my knight.
-No, he can't.
Your knight's protected
by your queen.
You know, I've heard
about those two,
-but I never believed it.
-Make your move.
All right, MacArthur.
Let's see you return from this.
Checkmate, bunkmate.
-Brilliant move you gave me!
-Never touch your knight.
I'd be happy to give you
a handicap, Pierce,
but you've already got one--
Hunnicutt.
-[laughs]
-Gather around
and strike up the band.
-Zale has done it again.
-You finished?
-Not five minutes ago.
-Well, come on. Let's see it.
I haven't been this excited
since I played
Superman in the phone booth
with Betty Dingle.
-Ta-da!
-Oh.
Zale, for the first time,
you've done it again.
Feels good.
The handle looks
like the right length.
I hope you don't mind.
I carved my initials on it.
Z.Z. Zelmo Zale.
May I take a look
at that nutcracker?
Ah, the acid test.
The "jack-acid" test.
Here you are, Charles.
Thank you.
What's not to love, huh, Doc?
Well, the jaws should be
tighter when it's closed.
It'll never hold like this.
-Sorry, Zelmo.
-Give me that.
Never hold, huh?
Look at that.
Is it coming off?
Is it coming off?
Zale, it won't come off.
Oh, easily fixed.
We'll just loosen that screw.
-You're tightening it!
-Oh, yeah, yeah.
Having some trouble?
No! Zale, will you hurry?
My eyes are leaving
their sockets.
-Give me a second, will you?
-Let me try.
-Be careful. You'll break it.
-It was built broken.
I am now officially
in extreme pain.
You don't believe me?
[screaming]
Just a minute.
I built it. I'll fix it.
-All right.
-The stupid thing is jammed!
This would've gone over great
during the Inquisition.
-[clatters]
-Oh! Now look what you done!
What I done?
You're some master craftsman!
Zale, go back to your drawing
board and blow it up.
I give it my best,
and this is the thanks I get?
I was gonna make you
another one,
but just for that crack,
I won't!
-Thank you.
-I should get a medal
for this-- the Purple Hand.
-Gentlemen?
-Yes.
Far be it from me
to rub salt in an open wound,
but, uh, I told you so.
[chuckles]
That's right.
You build us that clamp,
and whatever we've got
is yours.
Come on, Hawk. What have we
got an engineer could want?
-Nurses?
-Hey, no way.
-Not a chance. Uh-uh.
-Sure. You got 'em.
Are you nuts?
I don't even know you!
Will you be quiet?
I'm negotiating.
Yeah, Saturday night.
A unit party, yeah.
How many?
Well, we can either
get you four brunettes
or two dirty blondes
and a redhead.
Great. No problem.
And the potato salad's
on me. Thanks again.
Oh, what I did.
Oh, I've never
seen her like this.
She's gonna keep it up
until we drop.
Yeah, Hot Lips Houlihan:
blonde land mine.
I wish she'd take
my wedding ring.
It'd be worth a divorce
to have her off our backs.
[knocking]
Enter the mausoleum.
Hello, "goils." Hello.
-What do you two want?
-Love and respect.
-But we'll settle for love.
-We came to ask you
a little favor.
Save it. Hot Lips has us
booked through Christmas.
I promise when you hear
what we have to say,
you're gonna jump right off
that bunk and into our arms.
-Fill 'em in, Beej.
-Me? You do the filling.
-It was your idea.
-Here it comes.
Behind every great inventor
is his nurse.
-What's the favor?
-You have the rare
opportunity
of participating in an
historic medical moment.
The favor, Hawkeye?
The favor?
The engineers
will redesign this clamp
if you'll go to their
unit party Saturday night.
-Oh, no way.
-No. Sorry. Out.
-I was wrong.
They love the idea.
-Forget it, Hawkeye.
But you'll be
the guests of honor.
It's not our honor they want.
We've heard about
the unit parties.
-Those guys are animals.
-Go for a couple of hours,
you'll slap a few faces,
and then you'll run
for your lives.
And it's for a good cause.
Not even if it meant
peace on earth.
When I give you nurses
a job to do,
I want it done right.
What are you two
doing in here?
Is this where they're holding
the Ginsburg bar mitzvah?
Oh, stuff it.
I just spot-checked
your inventory.
You're off by 10 thermometers.
God knows what else
you missed.
I want you to go back over
there and recount everything.
Oh, Major,
that'll take hours.
At least. Move it.
Now!
Well?
BOTH: Margaret, behind
every great inventor--
Get out, get out, get out.
Let's give the engineers
another call.
Maybe they'll settle
for some nudist magazines.
I'll even throw in
my magnifying glass.
No sacrifice
too big for you.
Gentlemen, you're in luck.
Just two days left
in summer clearance sale.
We're saving our money
for your back-to-school sale.
Okay, go.
If you can't spot quality,
who needs you?
Now that's a salesman.
Maybe we could find
a pacifier for Margaret.
Okay, my friend. What do ya got
for a couple of big spenders?
-The more you spend,
the more I got.
-Oh, yeah?
You wouldn't happen
to have a gold ring
with a lot of tiny stones
all around it, would you?
You wouldn't like what I got.
Every three stones
a diamond chip.
Every three stones
a diamond chip?
-You got one of those?
-I got nine of those.
-I don't believe it.
-That's it!
Guy in Tokyo make them
by the dozen.
Easy job. Cheap setting.
Miracle glue.
-Sounds like
Penobscott's style.
-Let me get you better.
-No, no. Wait.
-No, that's fine.
Can you put an inscription
in it?
Sure. You want
your name on this?
No. It's for a friend.
"Over hill, over dale,
our love will never fail."
-P-U!
-Yes, it is lovely.
-When can we have it
and how much?
-Three days, 25 bucks.
And don't you try
to talk me down.
You? We wouldn't dare.
Perhaps you like to look
at something good now?
Custom made by Mr. Shin,
yours truly.
No, I'm afraid we've
used up our allowance.
Do we have to
go through that again?
Look, everything
a G.I. could want.
Earrings for that
someone special.
Ah, silver snuff box.
Beautiful.
You say you made
all that stuff yourself?
Since before you
were born, sonny boy.
Could you make
something like this?
Yeah. Take two or three days.
-Charge you... 10 bucks.
-Only 10?
Anyone who buy this
crummy ring deserve a break.
♪ Tote that barge,
lift that bale ♪
You lose a little ring.
♪ And you land in jail
Ah, Klinger, what pipes.
There he is...
Corporal "Suds" Klinger.
On his fourth record-breaking
day of scouring the same pot.
Welcome to
Major Houlihan's Doghouse.
Klinger, how'd you like
to see the sun again?
What?
And be denied all this?
Look familiar?
-You found it!
-No, you found it.
-Huh?
-We bought it, and we want
you to give it to Margaret.
Oh, sirs, may your camel
spit nothing but dates.
Go! And don't lose it!
Are you kidding?
I won't let it out of my sight.
Get it quick,
before it dissolves!
-[knocking]
-Oh, God!
-Who is it?
-A Lebanese bearing gifts.
Klinger, do you have
a death wish?
-No, Major.
-I'm getting my whip.
Hold on a minute.
Take a look at what I got.
My ring! That's my ring!
-Now can I come in?
-I can't believe it!
-How did you find it?
-It wasn't easy, Major.
On the few rest breaks I had,
I re-combed every inch of trail.
Then this morning, on my hands
and knees, too tired to go on,
I looked up and there it was,
in the garbage dump,
perched majestically
on a pile of mildewed weenies,
that sun gleaming off of that
brilliant 14-karat gold.
Oh, Klinger!
Klinger, you're a doll!
How can I ever thank you?
-You can let me try
that nail polish.
-Of course.
I'm so sorry.
When I lost this ring, l...
-Wait a minute.
What's this?
-Huh?
This inscription.
"Over hill, over dale,
our love will ever fail"?
Right.
That is very romantic.
Wrong!
That is very wrong!
It should be
"never fail"!
-What happened to the "N"?
-The what?
The "N"! As in "nut,"
"nincompoop," "knucklehead."
Still rhymes.
Klinger, how could you?
-Major, we were only
trying to help.
-"We"?
Hawkeye and B.J. bought it
and gave it to me
to give to you.
I should've known those two
weasels would be in on this.
Hey, that's not fair.
You go tell your accomplices
their charade didn't work.
-Major, you're wrong.
-What?
Nobody was trying
to make a fool out of you.
We just wanted you to have
your ring back. That's all.
You don't have to be grateful,
but would it hurt to at least
appreciate the effort?
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention. Incoming wounded.
One ambulance
entering the compound.
Fortunately, that is all.
-You taking him?
-Yeah. As soon as I get
the bleeding stopped.
Wait a second. Hold it.
Okay, put him to sleep.
Colonel Potter's scrubbing up.
B.J.: Kellye, get me
some more pressure bandages.
Superficial.
He can wait in dry dock.
What've we got, Father?
This is Private Cohen
from my hometown.
Cohen? You two go
to the seminary together?
Can you save my leg, Doc?
I'll do everything I can,
Cohen. I promise you.
Start four units of whole blood
and prep him.
-How bad is he?
-Bad enough.
The question is
how good's our new clamp?
Suction.
I'll debride the wound.
Then we'll try out
that clamp on the artery.
-Right, Doctor.
-Got my fingers crossed, Hawk.
-NURSE: Count my toes in.
-Count my blessings in.
POTTER: I'm wearing
my lucky bunion pads.
Why don't we all just take
out our little rabbits' feet
and give them one big rub?
Charles, how would you like
to be bent into a horseshoe?
Sponge, right there.
Here we go, Cohen.
Okay, Margaret,
the you-know-what.
Father, do you have a prayer
for an untried vascular clamp?
No, but like you,
I can invent one.
Okay so far.
No leakage.
We're still a long way
from Tipperary,
wherever that is.
-Scissors.
-Scissors.
You know,
Klinger found my ring.
I told you to have faith,
Margaret.
You didn't believe me.
But I knew it would
show up. You see?
-It's not the original.
-Oh, really?
No, it's a cheap copy,
and I like it a lot better.
-Thank you.
-Anytime.
-Forceps.
-Forceps.
-What gave us away?
-"Over hill, over dale.
Our love will ever fail."
The "N" is missing.
Oh, well, don't worry.
We'll find it.
We found the ring,
didn't we?
-You gotta have faith,
right, Father?
-That's what He tells me.
How's the clamp working, son?
Like a lioness holding
her cub.
Nice! Best 10 bucks
we ever spent.
-Congratulations, boys.
-That Mr. Shin deserves
a medal.
He could always
make himself one.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we may have something here.
It's primitive
but functional.
You know, Pierce, this might
just make a surgeon out of you.
Wait till you see
my next invention,
Charles.
I'm gonna make
a silk purse out of you.
Cohen? Cohen?
Now, what was he in for?
-Lube and oil.
-No, that was DeSoto.
Oh, here we are. Cohen.
"Check the battery
and empty the ashtrays."
-Yeah, that's me.
-How does the leg feel?
Well, there's some tingling,
and I can wiggle my toes.
That means I can keep it,
right, Doc?
Of course.
It's yours, isn't it?
I don't know what you guys did,
but I want your names
and addresses.
I'm gonna send you both
Hanukkah gifts
every Christmas
for the rest of your lives.
My color is anything
but green.
We'll take most of the credit,
but not all of it.
In your case,
we had a little help.
-Meet "a little help."
-What is it?
Clamp. Vascular clamp.
You're the very first person
we ever tried it out on.
-No kidding?
-Something to tell
your grandchildren about
while you're bouncing them
on that knee.
How about that?
Well, just another example
of good old American know-how.
-You haven't read
Mr. Shin's inscription.
-His inscription?
"Over hill, over dale,
Korean clamp will never fail."
That's where he put the "N."
Hey, Mr. Shin!
Ah, you're just the guys
I want to see.
Congratulations. Your clamp
is a real life and limb saver.
That was nothing.
I open whole new line of
Mr. Shin's surgical supplies.
Look here.
Pearl handle scalpel.
You look like million bucks
with this in your hand.
-I already have a scalpel.
-Can also be used as spoon.
-Can opener.
-No, thank you.
-Cuticle remover.
-B.J.: That's cute.
-Corkscrew.
-HAWKEYE: Corkscrew!
-That we can use.
-Sold.
♪♪ [theme]
♪♪ [theme]
-Suction.
-Suction.
POTTER:
How's his pressure?
You're okay, Colonel.
130 over 80.
B.J.:
Ready to close, 3.0 silk.
CHARLES: Get this man draped
so I can get on with it.
HAWKEYE: You know, Margaret,
this'd go a lot easier
if I had a magic wand.
In lieu of your
surgical shortcomings?
Oh, he got you
that time, Mandrake.
How can my head
ever compete with his?
Mine's all covered
with hair.
He got you that time, baldy.
Would you boys please
use those scalpels
on your patients?
More suction.
Damn, Margaret!
It's bleeding again.
Can't you hold that
clamp any tighter?
Doctor, cursing
is not necessary.
I'm doing the best I can.
It's this damn instrument!
I know. I know.
Just stay in there.
If you can't stop
that artery from bleeding,
this transplant won't work.
We might as well
write off the leg.
I'm ready when you
need me, Hawkeye.
Thanks, Father,
but what I really need
is a vascular clamp
that's small enough
to control an artery
without crushing it.
Well, don't we have one?
No. This clamp is mainly
for heart surgery.
It's just not designed
for the smaller arteries
of the leg.
-It's holding for now.
-Attagirl, Margaret.
Why don't we just
get the right one?
It's not that easy, Padre.
The right one
doesn't exist. Sponge.
Some of the work we're
doing on these kids' legs
hasn't even hit
the textbooks yet.
Chalk it up to the insanity
of war, Father.
Enemy advances
bring medical advances.
If this war goes on
long enough,
we'll find a cure
for everything.
If there's anybody
left to be cured.
Progress.
The Korean conflict.
Dedicated to better health
through suffering.
Doctor, this won't work.
I need both hands
to hold this clamp.
All right, Father. I can use
your hands now. Work suction.
-Right, Hawkeye.
-MARGARET: Take that.
-Thank you.
-Progress.
Two hours on that kid's leg,
and I don't think I did
a damn bit of good.
He'll probably lose it
when he gets to Tokyo.
Tricky operation
with the wrong instrument.
Don't punish
yourself, Hawkeye.
How come the army
can make a gun
that'll level a village
30 miles away
but they can't come up
with a tiny surgical tool
that'll help save a man's leg?
Give 'em some time.
Could be no one's
ever thought to ask.
-So let's ask.
-Ask? Why not beg?
Where do we go?
Well, official channels
could take forever.
I remember when I applied
for permission to get married.
By the time the papers came
through, my son was divorced.
Strike official channels.
The guys who can come through
are the Corps of Engineers.
We just tell 'em what we want,
they'll deliver.
They don't have to deliver.
We'll pick it up.
Tell me, Colonel.
How are these bridge
builders going to forge
such a delicate instrument?
Bulldozer?
Winchester, those guys
could build a sailboat
from a pair of skivvies.
Well, what do we do?
Call? Write?
Send up smoke signals? What?
You finish sprucing up.
I'll get 'em on the horn.
Hey, we're inventors.
More like dreamers.
There's
always one skeptic.
Charles,
have a little faith.
Where would we be today
if Alexander Graham Bell
hadn't invented
the busy signal?
If Joseph Cotten hadn't
invented the cotton gin?
You can go on in your usual
sub-humorous way, gentlemen,
but no army engineer
has the expertise
to produce anything more than
a glorified potato peeler.
You know, you have to admit.
He makes a lot of sense.
-All the more reason to try.
-Freeze!
-What?
-What is it?
-It's gone!
-What's gone?
My wedding ring, you idiot!
It just disappeared!
I went to put it on, and I
couldn't because it was gone!
Margaret, calm down.
We'll help you look for it.
Where'd you put it last?
On the shelf
above my clothes.
I always wrap it in tissue paper
and put it there before I scrub.
Oh, Donald's still
paying for that ring.
My God, the woman's raving.
Margaret, all you're gonna
find in there is old sweat.
He'll kill me!
It was exquisite!
Fourteen-karat gold with
tiny stones all around it,
every other three
a diamond chip!
He must've searched
five-and-dimes the world over
to find that ring.
There was an inscription
from Donald inside...
"Over hill, over dale,
our love will never fail."
When it comes to poetry,
Donald's right up there
with the pros.
I've got to get it back!
Hey, is this how you guys
keep your room?
Klinger, have you
seen my wedding band?
It was in the nurses'
changing room,
wrapped with
a piece tissue paper.
-White tissue paper?
-Yes.
Sitting on a shelf
next to a coffee cup?
Yes, yes, that's it!
You found it!
Oh, thank God!
Oh, bless you, Klinger.
I, uh...
I sort of threw it away.
Threw it away!
Margaret, we'll go through
the garbage. We'll find it.
That'll be kind of tough.
The garbage truck just left.
-[cries out]
-Stop explaining
and go catch the garbage man!
Not a chance.
He's gotta be miles from here.
-Klinger!
-I'll get a jeep.
-Margaret. Margaret.
-[panting]
He'll find it, believe me.
[groaning, grunts]
That put her mind
at ease.
You have to know
how to talk to her.
HAWKEYE:
Look, you're an engineer.
For you, it's like making
a big tie clip.
Oh, come on, fella.
You gotta be kidding.
-What?
-He says he's never done
anything like this before.
If you can't land on it
or drive over it,
he doesn't
want to try it.
Give me the phone.
Uh-oh. Now you've done it.
Young man, this is
Colonel Sherman Potter.
My bird wants to talk
to your bird.
Patch me through
to Colonel De Roo
on the double.
He's adorable
when he's gruff.
Colonel De Roo?
Colonel Potter, MASH 4077.
No, no. Our latrines
are plenty deep.
I called to ask you boys
a special favor.
We need to modify
a hunk of surgical equipment.
We can design it,
but we can't make it.
You can? Oh, that's swell.
Ninety days?
That stinks.
Ninety days? Charles
operates faster than that.
You're sure you can't
spare one man right now?
"Wunderbar."
Nice talking to you,
and I'll try to remember
you're on our side.
For the next 90 days,
he's got his whole outfit
building a dam
on the river at Sepyong.
Darn dam! Why don't they
draft a brigade of beavers?
Well, Colonel,
now somebody's asked.
How are you boys
at "do it yourself"?
Well, here we are
in the fender and body shop.
Step one:
Take a break.
Wait, wait.
It can't be that hard.
Let's take it apart first.
And then that way,
it'll be, you know, apart.
I'll handle this.
Give me a screwdriver.
Mr. Screwdriver
coming up.
I'm working on a clamp,
not an ocean liner.
I'll have to look
in the children's department.
Anything smaller, I have to
call the downtown store.
It amazes me that a man
that can perform
miracles in surgery
can be
so mechanically inept.
When I'm loosening a screw,
do I go this way or that way?
I'll call Larry,
Moe, and Curly.
Ah, here it comes.
There.
You're a genius.
Now what do we do?
Well, straighten
one of these out
and go from there.
How do you straighten
one of these out?
Well, let's see. It's
made of surgical steel.
Designed to precise
specifications.
An alloy of delicately
balanced components.
-Hit it with a hammer.
-Of course.
[laughing]
Gentlemen.
What are you doing here?
Well, the colonel
said the two of you
were gonna try and build
the clamp yourselves.
I said to myself, "Charles,
this you have got to see."
Sadist.
I want you to pretend
I'm not here, gentlemen.
Just go about your business,
and I will blend
into the woodwork.
What's in the bag?
My lunch.
I want to eat along.
Hit it with the hammer,
will ya?
[laughing]
-Will you stop laughing!
-Please, I'm not here.
[pounding]
You can hit it harder.
The landlady won't mind.
Will you let me do it my way?
We're gonna be here forever!
-Please, let me have it.
-Fine. Here.
Thank you.
You know, if you were
half a nice guy,
you'd be helping us instead
of turning it into a picnic.
Oh, get off it, Pierce.
The two of you
are fumbling around
like a couple
of Sunday plumbers.
None of us has the expertise
to make
the instrument we need.
At least I have
the sense to admit it.
-That's for being right.
-Thanks.
-Meet you later
under the showers?
-No soap.
Prude.
Another nurse
down the drain.
Hey, I hear you guys
are lookin' to get
some new kind
of surgical gizmo built.
It's a clamp, Zale,
and yes, we are.
Know somebody
that could do it?
-Sure. Sure. Me.
-You know somebody else?
Look, I am a master craftsman.
Nobody appreciates that
'cause I'm stuck in Supply.
Yeah, there's very little
demand for supply.
-You know that jukebox
at the Officers Club?
-Both songs.
Who do you think
puts it back together
after the Marines visit?
Zale, this is a little
more delicate than a jukebox.
Delicate schmelicate.
I can fix or build anything.
With a screwdriver,
I'm a regular Leonard da Vinci.
All right, here's the gizmo.
Basically, we need a clamp
with a new kind of a handle.
More sensitive.
And jaws that won't
crush the artery.
Right, right.
Maybe a screw that's
sensitive to pressure.
-Yeah.
-Sure. Of course.
Hey, I can see it now.
Zale's gift to medicine.
Sleek, compact,
streamlined, gorgeous.
Just make it work, Leonard.
-Klinger!
-Why didn't I keep on driving?
-Well?
-You know, Major,
you have a very
natural beauty.
Why hide it
with a lot of jewelry?
Look, I went through
every garbage bin in Korea.
I even dove into a pile
of burning rubbish
'cause I saw something shiny.
It was only
a lousy gold watch.
Please, get a rifle.
Shoot me.
Put me out of your misery.
Oh, no. You're not
gonna get off that easy.
From now on, I'm gonna
make your life so rotten,
you'll wish you were in combat!
Major, I'm tired, I'm dirty,
and I burned my nose.
On top of that, I'm due
on K.P. in five minutes,
and I won't have
a chance to shower!
How are you gonna make
my life any more rottener?
I'll work on it!
No, no.
That's your move.
-Are you sure?
-Definitely.
-But he can take my knight.
-No, he can't.
Your knight's protected
by your queen.
You know, I've heard
about those two,
-but I never believed it.
-Make your move.
All right, MacArthur.
Let's see you return from this.
Checkmate, bunkmate.
-Brilliant move you gave me!
-Never touch your knight.
I'd be happy to give you
a handicap, Pierce,
but you've already got one--
Hunnicutt.
-[laughs]
-Gather around
and strike up the band.
-Zale has done it again.
-You finished?
-Not five minutes ago.
-Well, come on. Let's see it.
I haven't been this excited
since I played
Superman in the phone booth
with Betty Dingle.
-Ta-da!
-Oh.
Zale, for the first time,
you've done it again.
Feels good.
The handle looks
like the right length.
I hope you don't mind.
I carved my initials on it.
Z.Z. Zelmo Zale.
May I take a look
at that nutcracker?
Ah, the acid test.
The "jack-acid" test.
Here you are, Charles.
Thank you.
What's not to love, huh, Doc?
Well, the jaws should be
tighter when it's closed.
It'll never hold like this.
-Sorry, Zelmo.
-Give me that.
Never hold, huh?
Look at that.
Is it coming off?
Is it coming off?
Zale, it won't come off.
Oh, easily fixed.
We'll just loosen that screw.
-You're tightening it!
-Oh, yeah, yeah.
Having some trouble?
No! Zale, will you hurry?
My eyes are leaving
their sockets.
-Give me a second, will you?
-Let me try.
-Be careful. You'll break it.
-It was built broken.
I am now officially
in extreme pain.
You don't believe me?
[screaming]
Just a minute.
I built it. I'll fix it.
-All right.
-The stupid thing is jammed!
This would've gone over great
during the Inquisition.
-[clatters]
-Oh! Now look what you done!
What I done?
You're some master craftsman!
Zale, go back to your drawing
board and blow it up.
I give it my best,
and this is the thanks I get?
I was gonna make you
another one,
but just for that crack,
I won't!
-Thank you.
-I should get a medal
for this-- the Purple Hand.
-Gentlemen?
-Yes.
Far be it from me
to rub salt in an open wound,
but, uh, I told you so.
[chuckles]
That's right.
You build us that clamp,
and whatever we've got
is yours.
Come on, Hawk. What have we
got an engineer could want?
-Nurses?
-Hey, no way.
-Not a chance. Uh-uh.
-Sure. You got 'em.
Are you nuts?
I don't even know you!
Will you be quiet?
I'm negotiating.
Yeah, Saturday night.
A unit party, yeah.
How many?
Well, we can either
get you four brunettes
or two dirty blondes
and a redhead.
Great. No problem.
And the potato salad's
on me. Thanks again.
Oh, what I did.
Oh, I've never
seen her like this.
She's gonna keep it up
until we drop.
Yeah, Hot Lips Houlihan:
blonde land mine.
I wish she'd take
my wedding ring.
It'd be worth a divorce
to have her off our backs.
[knocking]
Enter the mausoleum.
Hello, "goils." Hello.
-What do you two want?
-Love and respect.
-But we'll settle for love.
-We came to ask you
a little favor.
Save it. Hot Lips has us
booked through Christmas.
I promise when you hear
what we have to say,
you're gonna jump right off
that bunk and into our arms.
-Fill 'em in, Beej.
-Me? You do the filling.
-It was your idea.
-Here it comes.
Behind every great inventor
is his nurse.
-What's the favor?
-You have the rare
opportunity
of participating in an
historic medical moment.
The favor, Hawkeye?
The favor?
The engineers
will redesign this clamp
if you'll go to their
unit party Saturday night.
-Oh, no way.
-No. Sorry. Out.
-I was wrong.
They love the idea.
-Forget it, Hawkeye.
But you'll be
the guests of honor.
It's not our honor they want.
We've heard about
the unit parties.
-Those guys are animals.
-Go for a couple of hours,
you'll slap a few faces,
and then you'll run
for your lives.
And it's for a good cause.
Not even if it meant
peace on earth.
When I give you nurses
a job to do,
I want it done right.
What are you two
doing in here?
Is this where they're holding
the Ginsburg bar mitzvah?
Oh, stuff it.
I just spot-checked
your inventory.
You're off by 10 thermometers.
God knows what else
you missed.
I want you to go back over
there and recount everything.
Oh, Major,
that'll take hours.
At least. Move it.
Now!
Well?
BOTH: Margaret, behind
every great inventor--
Get out, get out, get out.
Let's give the engineers
another call.
Maybe they'll settle
for some nudist magazines.
I'll even throw in
my magnifying glass.
No sacrifice
too big for you.
Gentlemen, you're in luck.
Just two days left
in summer clearance sale.
We're saving our money
for your back-to-school sale.
Okay, go.
If you can't spot quality,
who needs you?
Now that's a salesman.
Maybe we could find
a pacifier for Margaret.
Okay, my friend. What do ya got
for a couple of big spenders?
-The more you spend,
the more I got.
-Oh, yeah?
You wouldn't happen
to have a gold ring
with a lot of tiny stones
all around it, would you?
You wouldn't like what I got.
Every three stones
a diamond chip.
Every three stones
a diamond chip?
-You got one of those?
-I got nine of those.
-I don't believe it.
-That's it!
Guy in Tokyo make them
by the dozen.
Easy job. Cheap setting.
Miracle glue.
-Sounds like
Penobscott's style.
-Let me get you better.
-No, no. Wait.
-No, that's fine.
Can you put an inscription
in it?
Sure. You want
your name on this?
No. It's for a friend.
"Over hill, over dale,
our love will never fail."
-P-U!
-Yes, it is lovely.
-When can we have it
and how much?
-Three days, 25 bucks.
And don't you try
to talk me down.
You? We wouldn't dare.
Perhaps you like to look
at something good now?
Custom made by Mr. Shin,
yours truly.
No, I'm afraid we've
used up our allowance.
Do we have to
go through that again?
Look, everything
a G.I. could want.
Earrings for that
someone special.
Ah, silver snuff box.
Beautiful.
You say you made
all that stuff yourself?
Since before you
were born, sonny boy.
Could you make
something like this?
Yeah. Take two or three days.
-Charge you... 10 bucks.
-Only 10?
Anyone who buy this
crummy ring deserve a break.
♪ Tote that barge,
lift that bale ♪
You lose a little ring.
♪ And you land in jail
Ah, Klinger, what pipes.
There he is...
Corporal "Suds" Klinger.
On his fourth record-breaking
day of scouring the same pot.
Welcome to
Major Houlihan's Doghouse.
Klinger, how'd you like
to see the sun again?
What?
And be denied all this?
Look familiar?
-You found it!
-No, you found it.
-Huh?
-We bought it, and we want
you to give it to Margaret.
Oh, sirs, may your camel
spit nothing but dates.
Go! And don't lose it!
Are you kidding?
I won't let it out of my sight.
Get it quick,
before it dissolves!
-[knocking]
-Oh, God!
-Who is it?
-A Lebanese bearing gifts.
Klinger, do you have
a death wish?
-No, Major.
-I'm getting my whip.
Hold on a minute.
Take a look at what I got.
My ring! That's my ring!
-Now can I come in?
-I can't believe it!
-How did you find it?
-It wasn't easy, Major.
On the few rest breaks I had,
I re-combed every inch of trail.
Then this morning, on my hands
and knees, too tired to go on,
I looked up and there it was,
in the garbage dump,
perched majestically
on a pile of mildewed weenies,
that sun gleaming off of that
brilliant 14-karat gold.
Oh, Klinger!
Klinger, you're a doll!
How can I ever thank you?
-You can let me try
that nail polish.
-Of course.
I'm so sorry.
When I lost this ring, l...
-Wait a minute.
What's this?
-Huh?
This inscription.
"Over hill, over dale,
our love will ever fail"?
Right.
That is very romantic.
Wrong!
That is very wrong!
It should be
"never fail"!
-What happened to the "N"?
-The what?
The "N"! As in "nut,"
"nincompoop," "knucklehead."
Still rhymes.
Klinger, how could you?
-Major, we were only
trying to help.
-"We"?
Hawkeye and B.J. bought it
and gave it to me
to give to you.
I should've known those two
weasels would be in on this.
Hey, that's not fair.
You go tell your accomplices
their charade didn't work.
-Major, you're wrong.
-What?
Nobody was trying
to make a fool out of you.
We just wanted you to have
your ring back. That's all.
You don't have to be grateful,
but would it hurt to at least
appreciate the effort?
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention. Incoming wounded.
One ambulance
entering the compound.
Fortunately, that is all.
-You taking him?
-Yeah. As soon as I get
the bleeding stopped.
Wait a second. Hold it.
Okay, put him to sleep.
Colonel Potter's scrubbing up.
B.J.: Kellye, get me
some more pressure bandages.
Superficial.
He can wait in dry dock.
What've we got, Father?
This is Private Cohen
from my hometown.
Cohen? You two go
to the seminary together?
Can you save my leg, Doc?
I'll do everything I can,
Cohen. I promise you.
Start four units of whole blood
and prep him.
-How bad is he?
-Bad enough.
The question is
how good's our new clamp?
Suction.
I'll debride the wound.
Then we'll try out
that clamp on the artery.
-Right, Doctor.
-Got my fingers crossed, Hawk.
-NURSE: Count my toes in.
-Count my blessings in.
POTTER: I'm wearing
my lucky bunion pads.
Why don't we all just take
out our little rabbits' feet
and give them one big rub?
Charles, how would you like
to be bent into a horseshoe?
Sponge, right there.
Here we go, Cohen.
Okay, Margaret,
the you-know-what.
Father, do you have a prayer
for an untried vascular clamp?
No, but like you,
I can invent one.
Okay so far.
No leakage.
We're still a long way
from Tipperary,
wherever that is.
-Scissors.
-Scissors.
You know,
Klinger found my ring.
I told you to have faith,
Margaret.
You didn't believe me.
But I knew it would
show up. You see?
-It's not the original.
-Oh, really?
No, it's a cheap copy,
and I like it a lot better.
-Thank you.
-Anytime.
-Forceps.
-Forceps.
-What gave us away?
-"Over hill, over dale.
Our love will ever fail."
The "N" is missing.
Oh, well, don't worry.
We'll find it.
We found the ring,
didn't we?
-You gotta have faith,
right, Father?
-That's what He tells me.
How's the clamp working, son?
Like a lioness holding
her cub.
Nice! Best 10 bucks
we ever spent.
-Congratulations, boys.
-That Mr. Shin deserves
a medal.
He could always
make himself one.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we may have something here.
It's primitive
but functional.
You know, Pierce, this might
just make a surgeon out of you.
Wait till you see
my next invention,
Charles.
I'm gonna make
a silk purse out of you.
Cohen? Cohen?
Now, what was he in for?
-Lube and oil.
-No, that was DeSoto.
Oh, here we are. Cohen.
"Check the battery
and empty the ashtrays."
-Yeah, that's me.
-How does the leg feel?
Well, there's some tingling,
and I can wiggle my toes.
That means I can keep it,
right, Doc?
Of course.
It's yours, isn't it?
I don't know what you guys did,
but I want your names
and addresses.
I'm gonna send you both
Hanukkah gifts
every Christmas
for the rest of your lives.
My color is anything
but green.
We'll take most of the credit,
but not all of it.
In your case,
we had a little help.
-Meet "a little help."
-What is it?
Clamp. Vascular clamp.
You're the very first person
we ever tried it out on.
-No kidding?
-Something to tell
your grandchildren about
while you're bouncing them
on that knee.
How about that?
Well, just another example
of good old American know-how.
-You haven't read
Mr. Shin's inscription.
-His inscription?
"Over hill, over dale,
Korean clamp will never fail."
That's where he put the "N."
Hey, Mr. Shin!
Ah, you're just the guys
I want to see.
Congratulations. Your clamp
is a real life and limb saver.
That was nothing.
I open whole new line of
Mr. Shin's surgical supplies.
Look here.
Pearl handle scalpel.
You look like million bucks
with this in your hand.
-I already have a scalpel.
-Can also be used as spoon.
-Can opener.
-No, thank you.
-Cuticle remover.
-B.J.: That's cute.
-Corkscrew.
-HAWKEYE: Corkscrew!
-That we can use.
-Sold.
♪♪ [theme]
♪♪ [theme]