M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 6, Episode 15 - The Smell of Music - full transcript
Hawkeye and B.J. refuse to shower until Charles stops playing his French horn, and Colonel Potter deals with a patient who wants to kill himself because he is now disfigured.
♪♪ [theme]
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all
weary members of the 4077th.
Eighth Army Headquarters
wishes to commend us
for our tireless efforts
during the last three days.
However, all requests
for overtime are denied.
You remember
when we were interns
and there were still only
24 hours in the day?
I can't even remember
yesterday.
That's because
it is yesterday.
It won't be today until I get
a night's sleep in between.
[grunts]
Am I sinking to my knees,
or are you rising in the air?
Best thing for a tired body.
You oughta try it.
I tried. I couldn't
pass the bar.
You go to sleep tired,
you wake up tired.
This gives you energy.
I got a fifth of energy
waiting for me in the Swamp.
If you'll unhook
your chin from that pipe,
-you can lead me there.
-[exhale] Couple more.
Whew. What an ordeal.
72 hours straight.
I'm prayed out.
Absolutely prayed out.
Don't forget, Father, God
was on six days straight.
He was a lot younger then.
Well, sweet dreams.
That old chaplain
looked like a young boy
just a few days ago.
What about us?
[chuckle]
You look like
the High Lama of Shangri-La.
You look like an 8-by-10
picture of Dorian Gray.
I'm gonna get my new bar
of soap, take a long shower,
and sleep, sleep, sleep.
-You really know how to live.
-You?
I plan to take
a long bubble bath,
preferably with a nurse
who has her own car
and doesn't live
with her folks.
Sorry, sir,
all we have to offer
is cold rainwater
in a 50-gallon drum.
Sold.
♪♪ [French horn played badly]
Aww!
Little Boy Blue Blood
is starting on his horn again.
Ah, music to my rear.
How can he do that to us
in our condition?
No respect for the dead.
♪♪ [off-key]
From the fashionable Swamp Room
high above midtown Ouijongbu
come the sadistic sounds
of Doc Winchester
and his all-moose orchestra
who ask the musical
question "Why us?"
Cut!
Take five, Pops!
I don't think he can hear us!
I think you're right.
Easily fixed.
Put down that horn.
We have your head surrounded.
Gentlemen, I've just finished
an arduous session of work,
and now it is time to play.
Why don't you play something
a little less harmful,
like a bazooka?
[grunting]
What do you think?
Disgusting!
♪♪
Remove that sock.
Oh, okay.
We're about to hear
Pierce's Unwashed Symphony.
Remove them.
What, me touch
something that filthy?
I'm a surgeon.
You are pushing me
toward violence.
Go ahead! Beat me to death!
Just don't play that thing!
I will play that thing
whenever I feel like it!
That thing may be
the only thing
that keeps me from going mad
in this cultural
Death Valley.
Let's hit the showers
before we hit him.
Hear, hear! It's about time
the two of you bathed.
Oh! Do we offend you?
Constantly.
He finds our offensiveness
offensive.
Your odor is taking the curl
out of my horn.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
If you're thinking
what I'm thinking.
Are you thinking
of stinking?
Make you a deal, Winchester.
You knock off the horn,
we shower.
And if I refuse?
The more you blow,
the worse we'll grow.
Haven't you children
learned yet
that you can't intimidate me?
Oh, yeah?
Wait till we age
a couple of days.
We'll curl your nose.
Reek away, gentlemen.
I will play this thing as long
as there is music in my soul
and breath in my body.
Morning, sirs.
For your dining pleasure,
we have London broil,
abalone almandine,
and a taste bud tantalizer--
potatoes au gratin.
All right, nostrils.
What've you really got?
-Powdered eggs.
-We had powdered eggs
yesterday.
They're leftovers.
Hit me with the crepes,
garçon.
They're lighter today.
I can hold them up
with one arm.
These manhole covers
aren't bad.
I may go back for
seconds, God willing.
Even the coffee's good.
I wonder what they
left out of it.
Mmm. Here's a cozy
booth for nine.
May we join you
breakfast clubbers?
Sure. Park 'em.
You fellas will be surprised.
The food's rather good today.
Shows what a little
faith can do.
B.J.:
Mmm! Edible.
Did the wind just
suddenly shift?
Seems to be coming
from the stable.
Don't blame my horse.
I just washed her down
this morning.
Funny. This was
good a minute ago.
Excuse my
boardinghouse reach.
[groans]
I guess you boys haven't had
a chance to shower yet.
Oh, yeah. We had
the chance. Syrup?
We didn't shower anyway.
Thanks.
I see. Any special reason,
like it's National Pig Week?
Nope.
You know, in one way,
you outrank me.
But not where it counts.
Answer up.
It's a dirtiness strike.
When our bunkie gives up
his new horn,
we'll give up
our old dirt.
That's disgusting!
That's the idea.
Excuse me, Colonel.
I've lost my appetite.
I'm going to the garbage dump
for a breath of fresh air.
Oh, you'll love it.
The bluebottle flies are
gorgeous this time of year.
♪♪ [French horn, off-key]
There, you hear that?
And that's from the balcony.
How'd you like to live
in the front row?
Just make sure the three
of you work this out fast.
Colonel, by tomorrow,
his nose will be
running for cover.
No offense intended,
but I'd be happy to burn
some incense around you.
Thanks, Father. Just a prayer
for peace and quiet.
Attention. Attention,
all personnel.
Incoming wounded.
All surgical teams
to O.R. on the double.
So much for breakfast.
Not again. Yes, again!
Nothing like a good day's work
to top off a good night's work.
Let's go. Hold it!
You two stay behind me.
What are you doing
tonight?
Writing home.
Suppose I gave you
something to write about?
You wouldn't
like the way it ends.
Come on. Give me a chance.
I'm fun, ruggedly handsome,
and have my own typewriter.
You're a bit aromatic, sir.
Oh, yeah.
I'm a hopeless aromatic.
No. I mean,
you really stink, sir.
In a few days
you'll get used to it.
I'm not that flexible.
Look, I tell you what.
Don't bathe for three days.
Let your bacteria have a ball.
Then we'll
cancel each other out.
Well, I'm canceling you
out right now.
There she goes with her nose in
the air. Snob.
POTTER: Wish I could've
done more here.
MARGARET: Nothing more
you could do, Colonel.
It's kind of primitive,
but it'll hold him
till the boys in Tokyo
can rebuild his cheek.
He'll need a lot more
than physical attention.
I'm afraid
that kind of wound
goes a lot deeper
than the skin.
What's worse, the enemy
didn't do it. He did.
Not self-inflicted?
No, no.
His rifle backfired.
The bolt caught him
in the face.
Oh, how unfortunate.
-Yeah. Klinger!
-Sir!
Post-op, and handle
him carefully.
Yes, sir. Donahue!
No, never mind.
I'd like to do it.
Gee, you're
a nice guy, Father.
Well, I'm a priest.
We specialize in nice.
Ready to close, 3.0 silk.
And a clamp
for my nose, please.
The odor in here
is overwhelming,
thanks to my two
rancid colleagues
who shall remain nameless.
Could he mean us,
Dr. Nameless?
I believe he does,
my rancid colleague.
With your permission,
Colonel,
I'd like to drop
a little hint.
Captains
Pierce and Hunnicutt,
take a shower,
you dirty stinkers!
I take umbrage at that.
I used to take umbrage, but it
gave me morning sickness.
Listen, you swamp rats.
Enough is enough.
Bathe, will ya?
-Yeah.
-Hear, hear.
Finally, a mandate
from the people.
Look who's talking!
None of this would
have happened
if it weren't for
your sawed-off tuba.
Really, Margaret.
It's a French horn.
Blow it out your
Champs-Elysees, Pierre!
That's telling him, Margaret.
-You shut up!
-Look, Winchester,
there's a nice canyon
about a mile up the road.
You can blow that horn
till you're blue in the face.
The enemy would shoot at me.
I think we're getting
through to him.
Good news, everybody!
No more wounded.
Thank heaven.
And the manager thereof.
How about this, then?
You and I go out
on Main Street,
stand back to back,
take 10 paces, turn,
and talk dirty.
No.
98.6. Sorry, fella,
but you're normal.
You've just won a 60-day
tour of the front.
All right.
Well, how do you feel,
Saunders?
How would you feel?
I understand you've been
giving your nurse a bad time.
You've gotta let her
change the dressing.
I was doing her a favor.
I don't want her
looking at me.
I don't want anyone
looking at me.
You're alive, son.
You'll be going home soon.
Home.
I don't want to go home.
Everybody just be
staring at me
or worse, lookin' away.
No one's gonna do that.
They all will,
especially Linda.
Your wife?
My girl.
I've been looking
at her all day.
Pretty.
She's beautiful.
We were gonna get married,
but one look at this face
and forget it.
Your Linda must have
more to her than that.
She's never gonna buy this.
I don't blame her.
Her looks are very
important to her.
You know, we were voted
the handsomest couple
at Allerdice High School.
Now what are we?
Beauty and the beast?
There you go again,
jumpin' to conclusions.
Give those plastic
surgeons a chance.
Come on.
My face is busted up.
No matter what they do, it's
still gonna be patchwork.
You won't accept this,
but you've been very lucky.
-Lucky?
-You heard me.
A lot of handsome kids
are going outta here
without arms and legs.
Yeah, right, Doc.
I guess I'm just
about the luckiest guy
in the whole world.
♪♪ [off-key]
How are your earplugs
working?
Great. I can't hear a thing.
-Shall we?
-Ready when you are, B.O.
You just keep playing, Charles.
This won't take a second.
Contact!
Bomb bay doors open,
and...
Bombs away!
His eyes are watering!
But not enough!
Try to offend
a little harder.
We did it! We brought
his lips to his knees.
We have met the enemy,
and we are his.
♪♪
Whew!
Glad to see you boys
are working this out.
Major, will you shut
your mouthpiece?
Now why didn't we
think of that?
I thought I told you kids
to change your diapers.
Not till he stops tooting.
Well?
Never!
However, there is
an alternative.
Goody.
Put me in different
quarters.
Fine. There's an empty bunk
with the enlisted men.
Enlisted men? That's
totally unacceptable.
I'd rather
wear a gas mask.
Good! Wear it.
Just don't play it.
Malodorous trolls.
Look, fellas,
I'm in no mood
for the Hatfields
and the McCoys.
I came here
to drown my sorrows
and cauterize my liver.
Got some vintage stuff.
How vintage?
It's fermented
longer than we have.
-That old, huh? All right.
-Mm-hmm.
Let's have it.
But don't get too close to me.
My serve.
-[coughing]
-Hmm.
That'll rip the tar paper
off the roof.
It hits the spot.
And rubs it out.
Tough day
at the office, Colonel?
I don't even want
to talk about it.
Give us a clue.
Sir, come quick!
It's Saunders.
He swallowed a whole
bottle of sleeping pills!
There's your clue.
B.J.: His pulse is weak,
but it's there.
His respirations
are really suppressed.
Stay with it, guys.
Where'd he get
the barbiturates?
Drug cabinet, sir.
That cabinet is supposed
to be locked at all times.
-He smashed the glass.
-Where the hell were you?
I went into the supply room
for just a second.
Why didn't you send someone?
Damn it, Lieutenant,
from now on, this man
is not to be left alone.
Yes, sir.
-Pass the word.
-Yes, sir.
How's he doing?
He's gonna make it.
This time.
That wasn't very smart,
son.
You should have let me die.
At 22? Mm-mm.
Too many years ahead of you.
I don't even get
the satisfaction
of being a hero.
Dumb accident.
My own gun
blows up in my face.
Hail the conquering fool.
A man isn't a fool
just because he's
the victim of an accident,
but he is one if he lets
it ruin his whole life.
Doctor, if there's one thing
I don't need right now,
it's Norman Vincent Peale,
so just save the "Everything's
gonna be all right" speech
for the next guy.
You're very stubborn,
aren't you?
Well, so am I.
Now, remember, I want
a 24-hour watch on him.
-Capisce?
-Yes, sir.
How quaint.
Sidewalk cafe in the mud.
Very French.
Complete with snails.
Sorry, sirs.
You can't come in.
Why, did the health department
finally get wise to this place?
The entire company
signed a petition.
You gotta eat outside.
Ah, come on, Klinger.
We're not that bad.
You are to this bazoo.
Accurate as a Swiss watch.
And as big as the Swiss Alps.
Flattery still gets you
a table outside.
Have a seat. I'll bring
your food. Whew!
Where would you
like to sit?
Uh, this side.
I love to watch
the buzzards
swooping down
on the garbage dump.
Ah. Eating outside, I see.
-Mm-hmm.
-Very chic.
Reminds me
of the Via Veneto in Rome.
I dined alfresco
when we went there for
an audience with the pope.
-The pope?
-Numero uno.
Pull up a crate
and tell us about it, Father.
Uh, no, I'm expected inside.
-B.J.: Father.
-Hmm?
Is it because we smell bad?
Well, uh...
I, uh... Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
How should I put this?
Uh, yes, because of that.
Jesus ate with the lepers.
He was an exceptionally
good sport.
-Whew.
-Here you are.
Sweets for the sweet.
Uh, busboy, can we
have some water?
Only if you bathe
in it. Ugh.
Uh, Beej, would you mind
trading seats with me?
Can't resist
the buzzards, eh?
No, I just want to be
upwind of you.
Of me?
Yeah. Isn't it one
of life's peculiarities
how some
people can be sensitive
to the aroma of others
and yet totally oblivious
to the noxious fumes
emanating from themselves?
What are you trying
to say, Charles?
Just that some people have
a certain kind
of body chemistry
that makes them, uh, well,
more pungent than others.
Speaking of body chemistry,
you're dangerously close
to blowing yourself up.
I didn't want to hurt
your feelings--
but-- [chuckle]--
You reek, fella.
My eyes aren't watering
'cause I'm homesick, buddy.
Oh, really? Let me tell you
something, buster.
-♪♪ [French horn]
-There he goes again.
We can't even have
a good argument in peace.
All right! That does it.
The irresistible force
is about to polish off
the immovable object.
♪♪
[horn honking]
[rhythmic drumming]
[honking,
drumming continue]
♪♪ [kazoo]
♪♪
[Drumming, honking,
kazoo continue]
This is getting ridiculous.
Suffering sheep-dip.
Time for a permanent
intermission.
WOMAN:
Oh, my God. Saunders!
Now what's going on?
We only turned our backs
on him for a second,
and he was gone.
I told you to keep
an eye on him!
All right, let's split up.
[hissing sound]
That's enough, Saunders!
Get away! Leave me alone!
Put it down.
We're gonna talk.
No more talk!
Just let me die!
Oh, no. You're not
gonna die on my time.
-[hissing stops]
-[inhaling]
It won't stop me.
I'll find another way.
I want to end this.
Don't you understand?
Just leave me alone!
All right. You want to do it?
Let's really do it.
You'll need some help.
You've screwed up
everything else.
You might as well
get this right.
Put the mask over your face.
Go ahead. I won't stop you.
Do it. Do it!
Go on! Do it!
Here, let me help you.
You want death?
We got plenty around here.
Suck it in, punk!
Come on!
What's the matter
with you?
Come on!
You're crazy! You're
trying to kill me!
Of course
I'm trying to kill you.
That's what you want,
isn't it?
You want to die,
and I'm here to help you!
Get away!
If you come near me,
I'll belt you,
so help me!
[panting]
That's more like it.
Now you're fighting
to stay alive, aren't you?
The part of you
that wants to stick around
is stronger than the part
that wants to end it.
Okay. Hang on to that.
Come on, son.
Let's get some rest, son.
I'm too old for this
kind of crap.
I think I tore my shorts.
[noise continues]
-Ready, Klinger?
-Ready.
Get set!
Hit it!
[screaming]
[all shouting]
Bravo! Bravo! Ha ha ha!
Cease watering!
Second wave!
Fire!
Bravo! I love it!
Drown the cretins.
Sponge detail!
Hey! Watch--
I don't care
what you do to me,
but those lice you killed
were women and children!
-[screams, laughs]
-B.J.: How well
do we know each other?
[laughing]
[all shouting]
[shouting]
[cheers, applause]
There. Dry there.
Here, where are you
taking that?
Where it belongs.
Hold it, Margaret!
Margaret!
[whistles]
Third wave!
[people exclaiming]
Oh, my-- No. Pick it up.
Pick it up. Margaret, no!
-No!
-[all cheering]
You barbarians. You Visigoths!
Do you realize you have
taken the last vestige
of Western civilization
left here
and you have run it
under your pagan wheels?
-[cheering]
-HAWKEYE: Bravo.
Encore! Encore!
-That horn, I never really-- -
-Ahem.
I fear the moment
of retribution is at hand.
Yours, I believe.
All right.
Who's responsible for all this?
I see. Well,
beginning at 2200 hours,
you are all hereby confined
to the Officers' Club
for the duration of the whiskey.
[cheering]
Pierce, Hunnicutt,
and Winchester are buying.
[cheering]
Great idea.
Colonel!
Forget it, Charles.
If we pay, you pay.
Colonel, what about my horn?
Oh, by all means,
Winchester, bring it along.
We'd love to hear it.
-What day is it?
-Tuesday.
We oughta celebrate.
A whole week of silence.
And fresh air.
[knocking]
-Yeah?
-Come in!
Ah, good! Sang Mu!
How'd it turn out?
How'd what turn out?
You aren't through
with me yet, gentlemen.
Sang Mu has rebuilt my horn.
-Oh, no!
-I just took a shower!
Very hard to get parts,
Major.
I'm sure
you did your best.
Had to get parts
from different horns,
but I fit very nicely,
okay?
Okay.
I'm gonna have
my eardrums pierced.
There's--
There's no mouthpiece.
-Yeah.
-What do you mean, "yeah"?
[Hawkeye, B.J. laughing]
♪♪ [theme]
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all
weary members of the 4077th.
Eighth Army Headquarters
wishes to commend us
for our tireless efforts
during the last three days.
However, all requests
for overtime are denied.
You remember
when we were interns
and there were still only
24 hours in the day?
I can't even remember
yesterday.
That's because
it is yesterday.
It won't be today until I get
a night's sleep in between.
[grunts]
Am I sinking to my knees,
or are you rising in the air?
Best thing for a tired body.
You oughta try it.
I tried. I couldn't
pass the bar.
You go to sleep tired,
you wake up tired.
This gives you energy.
I got a fifth of energy
waiting for me in the Swamp.
If you'll unhook
your chin from that pipe,
-you can lead me there.
-[exhale] Couple more.
Whew. What an ordeal.
72 hours straight.
I'm prayed out.
Absolutely prayed out.
Don't forget, Father, God
was on six days straight.
He was a lot younger then.
Well, sweet dreams.
That old chaplain
looked like a young boy
just a few days ago.
What about us?
[chuckle]
You look like
the High Lama of Shangri-La.
You look like an 8-by-10
picture of Dorian Gray.
I'm gonna get my new bar
of soap, take a long shower,
and sleep, sleep, sleep.
-You really know how to live.
-You?
I plan to take
a long bubble bath,
preferably with a nurse
who has her own car
and doesn't live
with her folks.
Sorry, sir,
all we have to offer
is cold rainwater
in a 50-gallon drum.
Sold.
♪♪ [French horn played badly]
Aww!
Little Boy Blue Blood
is starting on his horn again.
Ah, music to my rear.
How can he do that to us
in our condition?
No respect for the dead.
♪♪ [off-key]
From the fashionable Swamp Room
high above midtown Ouijongbu
come the sadistic sounds
of Doc Winchester
and his all-moose orchestra
who ask the musical
question "Why us?"
Cut!
Take five, Pops!
I don't think he can hear us!
I think you're right.
Easily fixed.
Put down that horn.
We have your head surrounded.
Gentlemen, I've just finished
an arduous session of work,
and now it is time to play.
Why don't you play something
a little less harmful,
like a bazooka?
[grunting]
What do you think?
Disgusting!
♪♪
Remove that sock.
Oh, okay.
We're about to hear
Pierce's Unwashed Symphony.
Remove them.
What, me touch
something that filthy?
I'm a surgeon.
You are pushing me
toward violence.
Go ahead! Beat me to death!
Just don't play that thing!
I will play that thing
whenever I feel like it!
That thing may be
the only thing
that keeps me from going mad
in this cultural
Death Valley.
Let's hit the showers
before we hit him.
Hear, hear! It's about time
the two of you bathed.
Oh! Do we offend you?
Constantly.
He finds our offensiveness
offensive.
Your odor is taking the curl
out of my horn.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
If you're thinking
what I'm thinking.
Are you thinking
of stinking?
Make you a deal, Winchester.
You knock off the horn,
we shower.
And if I refuse?
The more you blow,
the worse we'll grow.
Haven't you children
learned yet
that you can't intimidate me?
Oh, yeah?
Wait till we age
a couple of days.
We'll curl your nose.
Reek away, gentlemen.
I will play this thing as long
as there is music in my soul
and breath in my body.
Morning, sirs.
For your dining pleasure,
we have London broil,
abalone almandine,
and a taste bud tantalizer--
potatoes au gratin.
All right, nostrils.
What've you really got?
-Powdered eggs.
-We had powdered eggs
yesterday.
They're leftovers.
Hit me with the crepes,
garçon.
They're lighter today.
I can hold them up
with one arm.
These manhole covers
aren't bad.
I may go back for
seconds, God willing.
Even the coffee's good.
I wonder what they
left out of it.
Mmm. Here's a cozy
booth for nine.
May we join you
breakfast clubbers?
Sure. Park 'em.
You fellas will be surprised.
The food's rather good today.
Shows what a little
faith can do.
B.J.:
Mmm! Edible.
Did the wind just
suddenly shift?
Seems to be coming
from the stable.
Don't blame my horse.
I just washed her down
this morning.
Funny. This was
good a minute ago.
Excuse my
boardinghouse reach.
[groans]
I guess you boys haven't had
a chance to shower yet.
Oh, yeah. We had
the chance. Syrup?
We didn't shower anyway.
Thanks.
I see. Any special reason,
like it's National Pig Week?
Nope.
You know, in one way,
you outrank me.
But not where it counts.
Answer up.
It's a dirtiness strike.
When our bunkie gives up
his new horn,
we'll give up
our old dirt.
That's disgusting!
That's the idea.
Excuse me, Colonel.
I've lost my appetite.
I'm going to the garbage dump
for a breath of fresh air.
Oh, you'll love it.
The bluebottle flies are
gorgeous this time of year.
♪♪ [French horn, off-key]
There, you hear that?
And that's from the balcony.
How'd you like to live
in the front row?
Just make sure the three
of you work this out fast.
Colonel, by tomorrow,
his nose will be
running for cover.
No offense intended,
but I'd be happy to burn
some incense around you.
Thanks, Father. Just a prayer
for peace and quiet.
Attention. Attention,
all personnel.
Incoming wounded.
All surgical teams
to O.R. on the double.
So much for breakfast.
Not again. Yes, again!
Nothing like a good day's work
to top off a good night's work.
Let's go. Hold it!
You two stay behind me.
What are you doing
tonight?
Writing home.
Suppose I gave you
something to write about?
You wouldn't
like the way it ends.
Come on. Give me a chance.
I'm fun, ruggedly handsome,
and have my own typewriter.
You're a bit aromatic, sir.
Oh, yeah.
I'm a hopeless aromatic.
No. I mean,
you really stink, sir.
In a few days
you'll get used to it.
I'm not that flexible.
Look, I tell you what.
Don't bathe for three days.
Let your bacteria have a ball.
Then we'll
cancel each other out.
Well, I'm canceling you
out right now.
There she goes with her nose in
the air. Snob.
POTTER: Wish I could've
done more here.
MARGARET: Nothing more
you could do, Colonel.
It's kind of primitive,
but it'll hold him
till the boys in Tokyo
can rebuild his cheek.
He'll need a lot more
than physical attention.
I'm afraid
that kind of wound
goes a lot deeper
than the skin.
What's worse, the enemy
didn't do it. He did.
Not self-inflicted?
No, no.
His rifle backfired.
The bolt caught him
in the face.
Oh, how unfortunate.
-Yeah. Klinger!
-Sir!
Post-op, and handle
him carefully.
Yes, sir. Donahue!
No, never mind.
I'd like to do it.
Gee, you're
a nice guy, Father.
Well, I'm a priest.
We specialize in nice.
Ready to close, 3.0 silk.
And a clamp
for my nose, please.
The odor in here
is overwhelming,
thanks to my two
rancid colleagues
who shall remain nameless.
Could he mean us,
Dr. Nameless?
I believe he does,
my rancid colleague.
With your permission,
Colonel,
I'd like to drop
a little hint.
Captains
Pierce and Hunnicutt,
take a shower,
you dirty stinkers!
I take umbrage at that.
I used to take umbrage, but it
gave me morning sickness.
Listen, you swamp rats.
Enough is enough.
Bathe, will ya?
-Yeah.
-Hear, hear.
Finally, a mandate
from the people.
Look who's talking!
None of this would
have happened
if it weren't for
your sawed-off tuba.
Really, Margaret.
It's a French horn.
Blow it out your
Champs-Elysees, Pierre!
That's telling him, Margaret.
-You shut up!
-Look, Winchester,
there's a nice canyon
about a mile up the road.
You can blow that horn
till you're blue in the face.
The enemy would shoot at me.
I think we're getting
through to him.
Good news, everybody!
No more wounded.
Thank heaven.
And the manager thereof.
How about this, then?
You and I go out
on Main Street,
stand back to back,
take 10 paces, turn,
and talk dirty.
No.
98.6. Sorry, fella,
but you're normal.
You've just won a 60-day
tour of the front.
All right.
Well, how do you feel,
Saunders?
How would you feel?
I understand you've been
giving your nurse a bad time.
You've gotta let her
change the dressing.
I was doing her a favor.
I don't want her
looking at me.
I don't want anyone
looking at me.
You're alive, son.
You'll be going home soon.
Home.
I don't want to go home.
Everybody just be
staring at me
or worse, lookin' away.
No one's gonna do that.
They all will,
especially Linda.
Your wife?
My girl.
I've been looking
at her all day.
Pretty.
She's beautiful.
We were gonna get married,
but one look at this face
and forget it.
Your Linda must have
more to her than that.
She's never gonna buy this.
I don't blame her.
Her looks are very
important to her.
You know, we were voted
the handsomest couple
at Allerdice High School.
Now what are we?
Beauty and the beast?
There you go again,
jumpin' to conclusions.
Give those plastic
surgeons a chance.
Come on.
My face is busted up.
No matter what they do, it's
still gonna be patchwork.
You won't accept this,
but you've been very lucky.
-Lucky?
-You heard me.
A lot of handsome kids
are going outta here
without arms and legs.
Yeah, right, Doc.
I guess I'm just
about the luckiest guy
in the whole world.
♪♪ [off-key]
How are your earplugs
working?
Great. I can't hear a thing.
-Shall we?
-Ready when you are, B.O.
You just keep playing, Charles.
This won't take a second.
Contact!
Bomb bay doors open,
and...
Bombs away!
His eyes are watering!
But not enough!
Try to offend
a little harder.
We did it! We brought
his lips to his knees.
We have met the enemy,
and we are his.
♪♪
Whew!
Glad to see you boys
are working this out.
Major, will you shut
your mouthpiece?
Now why didn't we
think of that?
I thought I told you kids
to change your diapers.
Not till he stops tooting.
Well?
Never!
However, there is
an alternative.
Goody.
Put me in different
quarters.
Fine. There's an empty bunk
with the enlisted men.
Enlisted men? That's
totally unacceptable.
I'd rather
wear a gas mask.
Good! Wear it.
Just don't play it.
Malodorous trolls.
Look, fellas,
I'm in no mood
for the Hatfields
and the McCoys.
I came here
to drown my sorrows
and cauterize my liver.
Got some vintage stuff.
How vintage?
It's fermented
longer than we have.
-That old, huh? All right.
-Mm-hmm.
Let's have it.
But don't get too close to me.
My serve.
-[coughing]
-Hmm.
That'll rip the tar paper
off the roof.
It hits the spot.
And rubs it out.
Tough day
at the office, Colonel?
I don't even want
to talk about it.
Give us a clue.
Sir, come quick!
It's Saunders.
He swallowed a whole
bottle of sleeping pills!
There's your clue.
B.J.: His pulse is weak,
but it's there.
His respirations
are really suppressed.
Stay with it, guys.
Where'd he get
the barbiturates?
Drug cabinet, sir.
That cabinet is supposed
to be locked at all times.
-He smashed the glass.
-Where the hell were you?
I went into the supply room
for just a second.
Why didn't you send someone?
Damn it, Lieutenant,
from now on, this man
is not to be left alone.
Yes, sir.
-Pass the word.
-Yes, sir.
How's he doing?
He's gonna make it.
This time.
That wasn't very smart,
son.
You should have let me die.
At 22? Mm-mm.
Too many years ahead of you.
I don't even get
the satisfaction
of being a hero.
Dumb accident.
My own gun
blows up in my face.
Hail the conquering fool.
A man isn't a fool
just because he's
the victim of an accident,
but he is one if he lets
it ruin his whole life.
Doctor, if there's one thing
I don't need right now,
it's Norman Vincent Peale,
so just save the "Everything's
gonna be all right" speech
for the next guy.
You're very stubborn,
aren't you?
Well, so am I.
Now, remember, I want
a 24-hour watch on him.
-Capisce?
-Yes, sir.
How quaint.
Sidewalk cafe in the mud.
Very French.
Complete with snails.
Sorry, sirs.
You can't come in.
Why, did the health department
finally get wise to this place?
The entire company
signed a petition.
You gotta eat outside.
Ah, come on, Klinger.
We're not that bad.
You are to this bazoo.
Accurate as a Swiss watch.
And as big as the Swiss Alps.
Flattery still gets you
a table outside.
Have a seat. I'll bring
your food. Whew!
Where would you
like to sit?
Uh, this side.
I love to watch
the buzzards
swooping down
on the garbage dump.
Ah. Eating outside, I see.
-Mm-hmm.
-Very chic.
Reminds me
of the Via Veneto in Rome.
I dined alfresco
when we went there for
an audience with the pope.
-The pope?
-Numero uno.
Pull up a crate
and tell us about it, Father.
Uh, no, I'm expected inside.
-B.J.: Father.
-Hmm?
Is it because we smell bad?
Well, uh...
I, uh... Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
How should I put this?
Uh, yes, because of that.
Jesus ate with the lepers.
He was an exceptionally
good sport.
-Whew.
-Here you are.
Sweets for the sweet.
Uh, busboy, can we
have some water?
Only if you bathe
in it. Ugh.
Uh, Beej, would you mind
trading seats with me?
Can't resist
the buzzards, eh?
No, I just want to be
upwind of you.
Of me?
Yeah. Isn't it one
of life's peculiarities
how some
people can be sensitive
to the aroma of others
and yet totally oblivious
to the noxious fumes
emanating from themselves?
What are you trying
to say, Charles?
Just that some people have
a certain kind
of body chemistry
that makes them, uh, well,
more pungent than others.
Speaking of body chemistry,
you're dangerously close
to blowing yourself up.
I didn't want to hurt
your feelings--
but-- [chuckle]--
You reek, fella.
My eyes aren't watering
'cause I'm homesick, buddy.
Oh, really? Let me tell you
something, buster.
-♪♪ [French horn]
-There he goes again.
We can't even have
a good argument in peace.
All right! That does it.
The irresistible force
is about to polish off
the immovable object.
♪♪
[horn honking]
[rhythmic drumming]
[honking,
drumming continue]
♪♪ [kazoo]
♪♪
[Drumming, honking,
kazoo continue]
This is getting ridiculous.
Suffering sheep-dip.
Time for a permanent
intermission.
WOMAN:
Oh, my God. Saunders!
Now what's going on?
We only turned our backs
on him for a second,
and he was gone.
I told you to keep
an eye on him!
All right, let's split up.
[hissing sound]
That's enough, Saunders!
Get away! Leave me alone!
Put it down.
We're gonna talk.
No more talk!
Just let me die!
Oh, no. You're not
gonna die on my time.
-[hissing stops]
-[inhaling]
It won't stop me.
I'll find another way.
I want to end this.
Don't you understand?
Just leave me alone!
All right. You want to do it?
Let's really do it.
You'll need some help.
You've screwed up
everything else.
You might as well
get this right.
Put the mask over your face.
Go ahead. I won't stop you.
Do it. Do it!
Go on! Do it!
Here, let me help you.
You want death?
We got plenty around here.
Suck it in, punk!
Come on!
What's the matter
with you?
Come on!
You're crazy! You're
trying to kill me!
Of course
I'm trying to kill you.
That's what you want,
isn't it?
You want to die,
and I'm here to help you!
Get away!
If you come near me,
I'll belt you,
so help me!
[panting]
That's more like it.
Now you're fighting
to stay alive, aren't you?
The part of you
that wants to stick around
is stronger than the part
that wants to end it.
Okay. Hang on to that.
Come on, son.
Let's get some rest, son.
I'm too old for this
kind of crap.
I think I tore my shorts.
[noise continues]
-Ready, Klinger?
-Ready.
Get set!
Hit it!
[screaming]
[all shouting]
Bravo! Bravo! Ha ha ha!
Cease watering!
Second wave!
Fire!
Bravo! I love it!
Drown the cretins.
Sponge detail!
Hey! Watch--
I don't care
what you do to me,
but those lice you killed
were women and children!
-[screams, laughs]
-B.J.: How well
do we know each other?
[laughing]
[all shouting]
[shouting]
[cheers, applause]
There. Dry there.
Here, where are you
taking that?
Where it belongs.
Hold it, Margaret!
Margaret!
[whistles]
Third wave!
[people exclaiming]
Oh, my-- No. Pick it up.
Pick it up. Margaret, no!
-No!
-[all cheering]
You barbarians. You Visigoths!
Do you realize you have
taken the last vestige
of Western civilization
left here
and you have run it
under your pagan wheels?
-[cheering]
-HAWKEYE: Bravo.
Encore! Encore!
-That horn, I never really-- -
-Ahem.
I fear the moment
of retribution is at hand.
Yours, I believe.
All right.
Who's responsible for all this?
I see. Well,
beginning at 2200 hours,
you are all hereby confined
to the Officers' Club
for the duration of the whiskey.
[cheering]
Pierce, Hunnicutt,
and Winchester are buying.
[cheering]
Great idea.
Colonel!
Forget it, Charles.
If we pay, you pay.
Colonel, what about my horn?
Oh, by all means,
Winchester, bring it along.
We'd love to hear it.
-What day is it?
-Tuesday.
We oughta celebrate.
A whole week of silence.
And fresh air.
[knocking]
-Yeah?
-Come in!
Ah, good! Sang Mu!
How'd it turn out?
How'd what turn out?
You aren't through
with me yet, gentlemen.
Sang Mu has rebuilt my horn.
-Oh, no!
-I just took a shower!
Very hard to get parts,
Major.
I'm sure
you did your best.
Had to get parts
from different horns,
but I fit very nicely,
okay?
Okay.
I'm gonna have
my eardrums pierced.
There's--
There's no mouthpiece.
-Yeah.
-What do you mean, "yeah"?
[Hawkeye, B.J. laughing]
♪♪ [theme]