M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 6, Episode 14 - The Merchant of Korea - full transcript
B.J. and Hawkeye are fed up with doing favors for Winchester because they owe him money. So they challenge him to a poker game to win it back.
♪♪ [theme]
HAWKEYE:
This needs more heat.
Put it in the sun.
You want it fermented,
not melted.
Don't argue with me.
I majored in this.
Top fifth of your class?
Sir? Captain Hunnicutt--
-Radar, not so loud.
You wanna bruise it?
-I'm sorry.
-Shh.
-Hold on to your livers.
I'm going in for a taste.
-[coughing]
-How can you sirs
do that to yourselves?
Everybody's gotta
have a hobby, Radar.
Ours is committing suicide.
What do you got? Hopefully,
one air conditioner.
Oh, no, it's a telegram
from your wife.
You know, Mrs. Hunnicutt?
-Telegram?
-Yeah.
-Just phoned it in.
-It's in Korean.
No, that's my handwriting.
"Dorman ready to sell us our
acre in Stinson Beach. Stop.
"Need $200 by the 15th
for down payment.
Stop. Love, Peg. Stop."
Radar, stop.
Ya-ha-hoo!
Sir, people are looking!
-I can't believe it!
-Good news?
Peg and I have wanted
this property ever since
we were married.
It's got trees, the beach,
a view of San Francisco,
everything!
Sounds all right
if you're willing to
settle for everything.
The 15th?
Hawk, today's the 15th!
I gotta have this money today,
and I don't have it.
Well, don't look at me.
I just spent my last five
bucks
on a subscription
to Frolicking Nudists.
Saved 50 cents off
the newsstand price.
Radar, could you...
Sixteen dollars and 27 cents.
-But it's all yours.
-Well, that's a start.
You can get a tree
with a view.
Damn! Now somebody else
will buy that land
and put up
a shopping center.
♪♪ [whistling]
Uh, speaking
of that somebody...
Good morning, Charles.
Good morning, gentlemen.
-Corporal.
-Sir.
Warm today,
isn't it, Charles?
I wouldn't know.
Charles, B.J. Needs $200.
Lend him some, will ya?
Very subtle, Hawk.
$200? That's a lot of money.
-Not for you, sir.
-Of course not for me.
I was referring
to Pierce's depleted friend.
Charles, I need it
to make a down payment
on some property
that's very important to me.
I don't know.
It would mean parting
with most of my ready cash.
-I like to stay liquid.
-Hence, the rubber sheets.
Slip back into your
coma, Pierce.
It's a matter of life or death.
Look, tomorrow's payday.
You'll have it back in your hand
just as soon as I get paid.
Well, you obviously
can't leave town.
Charles, I'll be indebted to you
for the rest of my life.
It'll take him that long
to pay you back.
-Radar?
-Don't hug me.
Get this money to Peg.
-I'm halfway there already.
-I'm depending on you.
Oh, sir? Congratulations,
and many more of 'em.
-Go, go, go, go!
-All right! Fine.
-This calls for a toast.
-Of that?
Mother Pierce's
Liquid Land Mine.
-You sip it.
-You sip it through a fuse.
Thank you, no.
I make it a point never
to consume anything
that's been aged
in a radiator.
He knows what he's missing.
-To God's little acre.
-And his gardener.
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention! Attention!
Incoming wounded.
First medical team
report to the chopper pad.
Well, celebrate fast
around here.
[chatter]
Ready for the next
one, Klinger.
Captain Pierce
got the last guy.
HAWKEYE: Please, take
the rest of the siege off.
Okay, if anyone wants me,
I'll be in my tent
marinating the old bunions.
-B.J.: Bon "appe-feet."
-Corny. Corny.
Take it away, Klinger.
The leg goes in traction.
Ladies first. Roy!
-See you for dinner, Beej?
-Our little spot.
Hunnicutt,
could I trouble you
for a consultation?
On my way.
This small bowel
look perforated to you?
I can't see it.
Retract the liver.
Both my hands are
tied up at the moment.
Could you do it?
As long as I'm
in the neighborhood.
Fresh gloves. Retractor.
So you're moving up
to real estate, eh?
Stinson Beach
is not real estate.
It's heaven with a view.
Dad owned some property
like that once.
Out on the Cape. Hyannisport.
Gee, we loved to go there.
Then this large family
moved in next door.
Nouveau riche.
Played a perpetual game
of touch football
on their lawn.
Naturally, we moved out.
They'll let those nouveaus
live anywhere. Wipe.
I've got some photos
of my property,
if you're interested.
Of course I'm not interested.
You know, you were
extremely fortunate
that I was around
with that money.
Thanks again.
Oh, don't--
don't mention it.
It did work out well
for you though.
Peachy. No perforations here.
-Good. Do me a small favor?
-If it's small enough.
Just kidding, Charles.
What is it?
Uh, close the patient
for me.
Well, it's your patient.
Just this once.
I'm due in post-op
in half an hour.
I'd really like to grab
a little bite first.
That's not the usual
procedure, Charles.
Just this once?
It's been a long day...
what with casualties,
business transactions.
Right. Go grab your bite.
Thank you.
I think I should've
stolen the money.
And here, where this rock is,
will be the living room.
-Or maybe the garage.
-I hope you make up your mind
before you lay down
the carpeting.
Good morning, Charles.
Good morning, B.J.
No, I do not want
to look at your land again.
You're just jealous.
Olive drab with envy.
-Ahh.
-What time's pay?
At 11:00 or 1100 hours.
I can never
keep that straight.
Good. We have time
to enjoy breakfast
and still recover from it.
Which one of these shirts
goes best with my pants?
-Uh, the green one.
-You're right.
It matches my skin.
Hurry up, okay?
Yeah.
Hunnicutt, before you leave,
I sure could go
for a cup of coffee.
So go. Pot's on the stove.
See, I'd like to,
but I have this bad back.
Would you be a good egg
and pour me a cup?
Winchester,
is this some kind of game?
Game?
"Close for me."
"Get me a cup of coffee."
I have the feeling I've
become your $200 houseboy.
Well, I'm certainly
surprised at your attitude.
If you feel that way
about it, I'll get it.
It's just a simple little
thing, for heaven's sake.
Ooh! Please, leave.
[groaning]
-Anything else?
-No. Take it black.
See you at 11:00.
Are you still in Korea?
I thought you got smart
and went home.
Can you believe
the nerve of that guy?
Wait. Don't tell me.
Let me guess.
"Oh, Hunnicutt, since
I lent you that money,
would you be a good sport
and simonize my head?"
-Don't give him any ideas.
-You're a schnook.
Thanks. That's nice.
Beej, you're the kind of guy
who lets that kind of guy
get to you.
So you massage the clown's ego
for 24 hours. What do you care?
You're still the one
with the Golden Gate
in your backyard.
You're right.
You know, sometimes it takes
a simple mind like yours
-to work things out.
-I'm glad I could be of help.
-Hunnicutt, do get the door.
-Of course.
Thank you.
Donald has
a brilliant system.
I send him my pay,
and he sends me
an allowance of $30 a week.
It's a swell system.
He says by the time
the war is over,
we'll have saved enough to buy
our off-post dream house.
When we got ours, it came
with a mother-in-law.
-Ah.
-Fortunately for me,
World War I started
the next day.
Sang Mu is waiting
behind Rosie's.
-Hot dog!
-Who's Sang Mu?
Korea's answer
to Marshall Field.
Six floors of merchandise
jammed into one rickshaw.
Part of my pay's going
to a spiffy blanket
for my little mare.
I think she's using you.
Wait'll you see
the string of pearls
Sang Mu set aside for me.
Klinger, when are you gonna
give up this inane masquerade?
Ask him.
Sir, permission
to whisper in your ear?
-What's the problem?
-[whispering]
What do you mean
there's not enough pay?
That--Never mind that.
Just spit it out, son.
Okay. Headquarters
in Tokyo fouled up
and sent part of our pay
to a bakery unit in Guam.
It's gonna take at least a week
to straighten it all out.
-[all shouting]
-At ease, at ease.
Shut 'em up. All right, Radar,
take whatever money came,
pool it, and pay off
the enlisted men
until the well runs dry.
-[cheering]
-Colonel, what about
the officers?
S.O.P., Major.
To hell with regulations!
Ooh, Major.
Don't yell at my bird.
I'm sorry, sir.
It's just that Donald
will be so disappointed.
Forget about Donald.
What am I gonna do
about Winchester?
Simple. Ask for
a second mortgage.
Sweetheart, I'm only asking
for a week's advance.
It's not as if it were
my fault, darling.
Listen, Donald,
I send you every paycheck.
You can shoot some back
for once.
Then cash in one of
our lousy savings bonds!
It's been five minutes,
Major.
How would you like me
to stuff this up your nose?
No, thank you, ma'am.
But we do sort of need
our telephone.
You'll get it
when I get off!
-Now, get out!
-Right.
I cannot believe
you are gonna be this cheap.
What? A guy can't even
have his own office.
What?
I hope your colonel's well.
I think it's about time
we made some changes
in our little system.
Send the money!
Donald, don't you dare
hang up on me!
You just sit there
and listen to this!
Love's a wonderful thing, son.
Oh, Colonel.
Donald and I were merely--
Say no more, Major.
Why don't you hold back
a few dollars from your pay?
Uh, from now on, I will.
You're learning.
I appreciate the advice, sir.
-Advice is cheap.
-So is Colonel Donald.
How dare you!
Well,
you said it first.
Excuse me. Twerp!
That fella's married
to a live grenade.
He's lucky.
He's in Tokyo,
out of range.
-You want to send
a telegram to Mrs. Potter?
-Radar, I want to send--
-Must be important.
-It's kind of important.
-Shoot, sir.
-She's gotta send me 50 bucks,
or I'll lose
Sophie's new blanket.
-I could lend you
the money, sir.
-Oh, nice gesture, son.
-But it wouldn't be right.
-Why not?
'Cause you
I'd have to pay back.
Better believe it.
I mean, uh,
you're right again, sir.
Colonel.
♪♪ [jazz on radio]
Looks like you're gonna
be my only business
this whole week, sir.
What'll you have?
-A little peace and quiet.
-[radio off]
Hey, what'd you do that for?
That was "Mañana."
Frankly, Sergeant,
that aboriginal noise
that you call music
makes me want to upchuck.
-Don't you have
any Rachmaninoff?
-Nah.
-We don't get
any vodka here, sir.
-[door opens]
-Let's find another
Officers' Club.
-Come on.
-Is he still bothering you?
-Yes, he is.
-That's childish and chicken.
-Is not.
-Is too.
-Is not.
Is too. Childish
and chicken. Come here.
It's a little quiet in here.
-Let's have some music.
-♪♪ [jazz]
-[groans]
-Mind if we join you, stranger?
It's a semi-free country.
Charles, congratulations
on that splenectomy
this morning.
That was really great work.
Well, thank you, Pierce.
It's 120 degrees.
Why aren't you sweating?
In the first place,
I don't sweat. I perspire.
And in the second place,
I don't perspire.
Beers for everybody, Zale.
-You payin'?
-Yeah, just put it on my tab.
-In that case,
the bar's closed.
-The bar is what?
Captain, you've already
run up a tab of 50 bucks.
The limit's supposed to be 20.
-Can you believe this guy?
-After all you owe him.
You better not come down
with anything I can cure.
No cash, no firewater.
-I'm starting
not to like Korea.
-Just a moment, Pierce.
Let me handle this, please.
Here you are, Zelmo.
That should clear
his ledger.
Charles, sometimes
you can be a real prince.
-Said the pauper.
-Three beers, Zale.
-Just two.
-Stick around.
We'll talk about all
the old times we're gonna have.
Perhaps mañana.
-You'll be sorry.
-Don't be crazy.
Winchester, thanks again.
Oh, don't-- don't mention it.
Uh, Pierce, I could use
that beer a little later.
-Any time.
-Good. I'll be
off duty around 10.
Be a good chap, bring it to me
in the Swamp, all right?
I have the uneasy feeling
I've just been had.
Perhaps that's because
you've just been had.
He actually ordered me
to get him a beer.
-You actually said "Any time."
-The nerve of that guy!
-You're being childish
and chicken.
-I am not.
-Are too.
-Am not!
Are too.
Childish and chicken.
[clucking]
The nerve of that guy!
Sit down, will ya?
You're scuffing the dirt.
Who does he think he is,
the Merchant of Korea?
Stop crying.
It's only a pound of flesh.
-A pound of flesh, my butt.
-Wherever.
What do you suppose
the sentence is
for firing an officer
out of a Howitzer?
190 years,
if you're a first offender.
♪♪ [humming]
Very pretty. Spike Jones?
Hardly.
It's the drinking song from
the first act of "Traviata."
-Here. Sing this.
-Ah.
Thank you, Pierce.
A bit warm.
Bring up the Howitzer.
Relax, will ya?
Take it easy.
-Let's play cards.
-I don't wanna play cards.
Of course you do.
A little game
at the Officers' Club.
Just the usual crowd
you, me, Charles--
Charles? Charles!
Perfect. Charles.
How about a little poker?
Oh, thank you, no.
It's not really my game.
Now, if you had
a cribbage board...
Sorry, there's only one
in the whole country,
and they're using that
at the peace talks.
If the stakes bother you,
we could play penny ante.
What's the point
of playing at all?
-How about dollar ante?
-Well, all right.
But I must warn you,
I'm a very lucky person.
Oh, we all are.
That's why we're in Korea.
Come on, let's
round everybody up.
Before you can say
"A pair of deuces."
[Hawkeye laughing]
That was
a stroke of genius.
True. Now how do we
stake ourselves?
-We beg.
-Bad knees.
You take the high road.
I'll take the low road.
And I'll be in the chips
before you.
-Halt! Who goes there?
-Ask me nice.
-Captain Pierce?
-Probably.
How would you like
to make a lot of money?
Of course.
What kind of a psycho
do you think I am?
Hunnicutt and I are
getting up a poker game.
We've invited Winchester
to be the rube of honor.
-Ooh! I'm in!
-Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Before you hit the casino,
-can you make a donation
to the underprivileged?
-You?
-Me.
-Hey, you can have
the blouse off my back.
Just the money.
I really should stay here.
My sermon still needs
a big finish.
We've got a rookie
in the lineup tonight.
Charles Emerson Winchester.
-Is he any good?
-What do you think?
I'll ad-lib the ending.
-HAWKEYE: Oh, Major?
-I'm not here.
Oh, I love what you've
done with this room.
Did you make a special trip
over here just to harass me?
Well, that and to ask
for your hand in a poker game.
Poker game? [chuckles]
Look around you.
I can't even afford
the buck and a half
to have my laundry done.
-Do what I do: wear
the same thing every day.
-Yuck.
Margaret, take the advice
of an old and trusted lech.
Hunt up some money from your
nurses and join in the fun.
We're turning Winchester
into Losechester.
Charles?
He doesn't play poker.
Not after tonight.
Oh! That's unfair.
It's practically robbery.
With a little money,
you could have all this
folded professionally.
When do we start?
We ante up in the Officers'
Club in 10 minutes.
-Oh, Colonel--
-I heard, I heard.
I'll see you at the table.
-Radar.
-Buzz off.
-Radar!
-Buzz off. I'm sleeping.
[gasps]
Colonel! Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I don't know
who I'm buzzing off
when I'm asleep.
Quite all right.
Son, I wanna take you
up on that loan.
-Now?
-A hot poker game
waits for no man.
Ooh! How hot is it, sir?
-Major Winchester's sitting in.
-Major Winchester?
Gee, sir, is it okay
if I save some
so I can get in it?
Radar, around our house,
we always carve the ham
equally.
That's wonderful, sir.
Is it okay if I save some
so I can get in it?
Of course. I should've found
a way to tell you that.
'Round and 'round they go.
Here come the cards.
There goes your dough.
Major Houlihan, I'm really
surprised to see you
sitting in on this game.
Oh, a little poker
always relaxes me.
-Hurry up with those cards!
-Okey-dokey.
-♪♪ [humming]
-[knocking]
Nu?
Oh, my.
Well, I'll, uh, hmm,
open for 10.
-I'm in.
-Call.
Replacements, anybody?
Oh, gee. Well,
I'll I'll take four.
Very good, Charles.
You're starting
with one of a kind.
-Two.
-I'll see that and raise 10.
-POTTER: Give me one.
-Keep it in your garter,
Klinger.
The bullpen's over there.
Thought
you were on guard duty.
I bribed Nurse Able
in takin' over.
I'm gonna miss
Sang Mu's pearls.
Oh, well.
Caution to the wind.
-I'll bet two dollars.
-I'll keep them company
and raise you 20.
Call.
Well, no sense
in bein' greedy.
We're gonna be here
all night. Call.
Call. Mm-hmm?
Three kings.
-[all groaning]
-He always wins the first hand.
[chuckles]
Until tonight.
I believe that, uh,
a straight
beats three kings.
-What?
-A four-card draw,
and he gets a straight?
It's awfully lucky,
wouldn't you say?
More like blessed.
♪♪ [whistling "Lidia"
from "La Traviata"]
B.J.: I don't believe
this is happening.
First the war, and now this.
POTTER:
Whose idea was this?
Ask the five-card stud.
Look at him. He doesn't sweat.
I never saw anybody
who doesn't sweat.
Sure you have
in the Reptile House.
I'm gonna fold
while I still have a little
left for the orphans.
Oh, here, Father. Please.
Give them my-- Well.
Give them my best.
Yes. Well,
good night, everyone.
Good night, Mr. Chip.
♪♪ [whistling "Lidia"]
Hmm.
What do you think?
I agree.
I'm in.
Don't you know anything
from the second act?
♪ Raise you 20
Curtain going down.
You deal, Charles.
-Haven't you two
masochists had enough?
-Yes. Deal.
-Come on. Deal the cards.
-Will you deal, please, sir?
Well, I hate to break
your losing streak, gentlemen,
but I'm going out
for a little fresh air.
-We'll have some sent in. Deal.
-Come on! Deal!
-[all shouting]
-I'll be back. I'll be back.
I've just been using the same
muscles for three hours.
I thought I'd stretch
the others.
♪♪ [humming "Lidia"]
I'd give Radar's last dollar
to know how he's doing it.
-You're almost there, sir.
-Maybe he's cheating.
How? I hid all the aces.
It's not the winning
I mind.
It's that damn smugness.
♪♪ [whistling "Lidia"]
And that insipid whistling.
Coming out of that
insipid face.
He doesn't even stop
when he's got a bad hand.
He just keeps whistling louder.
He whistles louder
when he's got nothing.
When he's got nothing!
[all laughing]
He whistles louder--
ALL: ...when he's got nothing!
Oh!
Rhapsody in Bluff.
Folks,
I think we've got him.
-[all laughing]
-What? What?
I'm sorry, but those orphans
need the money more than you.
After tonight, they'll
have enough cash to buy
every parent in Korea.
Winchester is finished.
We got him by his
mezzo-soprano.
I heard this about $60 ago.
-We got a new scouting report.
-Please. It's useless.
There's nothing you can say
to change my mind.
That whistling he does
gets louder when he's bluffing.
-Are you sure?
-Would we lie to you?
Let's get to it.
Oh, wait. I have an extra 20
in my boxing glove.
[birds chirping]
[chuckling]
I'll raise it 10.
You in, Chuckles?
[voice cracking]
Ten?
I'd love to stay in,
but l I'm a little short.
Do either of you fellows
still owe me any money?
Paid it all back
an hour ago.
Ah. Well, I was decent enough
to loan you guys some money.
Say no more, Charles.
Will 20 do?
-And 20 from me.
-Thank you.
You're going to regret
your generosity.
Raise you 30.
♪♪ [whistling loudly]
-KLINGER: I can see that.
-I call.
And to think
I've always hated opera.
♪♪ [stops]
Isn't anyone gonna fold?
Just a bunch of masochists.
Major, you're sweating
on the cards.
-Oh.
-HAWKEYE: Come on. You called.
-A pair of sixes.
-B.J.: Pair of sixes, hey.
Can anyone, or everyone,
beat a pair of sixes?
-Jacks over eights.
-KLINGER: Well, that's good.
POTTER: Well, looks like
you're the joker, Major.
What do you say we call it
a rout? We'll cash in later.
Thank you, Charles.
This will make Donald
very happy if I tell him.
All right, Radar,
this makes us even.
-You can trust me.
-I know, sir.
-You say "I know,"
but you keep counting.
-I know, sir.
From the orphans, Major.
Father, thank you.
Thanks very much, Winchester.
Lovely evening.
♪♪ [all whistling opera]
-MULCAHY: Good morning, Major.
-[laughter]
Well, it certainly looks
as though
I've been taken
to the proverbial cleaners.
You've been
proverbially washed,
dried, folded,
and put in the dryer.
Oh, Pierce,
I've spent more than this
on a late-night snack at home.
You gotta admire a guy
who takes it so well.
I'm a Winchester, Hunnicutt.
A Winchester.
My, my, my. This place
certainly is a mess.
You know, it's
the Officers' Club.
I think an officer
should clean it up.
Perhaps someone
who owes us a favor.
A Winchester, Hunnicutt.
A Winchester.
Are you implying
that I should clean up?
Are you forgetting
we loaned you money?
Oh, that's right. You did.
Don't worry about it, Hawk.
He's a swell guy. He'll do it.
We'll be in the Mess Tent
having iced cappuccino.
Uh, would you put out
some fresh flowers?
B.J.: Don't forget the window.
And clean the drapes.
HAWKEYE: And keep out
of the liquor cabinet.
♪ Mañana
♪ Mañana
♪ Mañana is
good enough for me ♪
Yeah, I've got the bottle
of dirt right here with me.
It's just like I remembered it.
We'll start building
the day I get home.
Okay, the second day.
It's ours, Peg. All ours.
Yeah. I love you too,
sweetheart.
Give Erin a kiss for me.
And the dog.
Till then.
Bye, Peg.
Mwah!
♪♪ [theme]
HAWKEYE:
This needs more heat.
Put it in the sun.
You want it fermented,
not melted.
Don't argue with me.
I majored in this.
Top fifth of your class?
Sir? Captain Hunnicutt--
-Radar, not so loud.
You wanna bruise it?
-I'm sorry.
-Shh.
-Hold on to your livers.
I'm going in for a taste.
-[coughing]
-How can you sirs
do that to yourselves?
Everybody's gotta
have a hobby, Radar.
Ours is committing suicide.
What do you got? Hopefully,
one air conditioner.
Oh, no, it's a telegram
from your wife.
You know, Mrs. Hunnicutt?
-Telegram?
-Yeah.
-Just phoned it in.
-It's in Korean.
No, that's my handwriting.
"Dorman ready to sell us our
acre in Stinson Beach. Stop.
"Need $200 by the 15th
for down payment.
Stop. Love, Peg. Stop."
Radar, stop.
Ya-ha-hoo!
Sir, people are looking!
-I can't believe it!
-Good news?
Peg and I have wanted
this property ever since
we were married.
It's got trees, the beach,
a view of San Francisco,
everything!
Sounds all right
if you're willing to
settle for everything.
The 15th?
Hawk, today's the 15th!
I gotta have this money today,
and I don't have it.
Well, don't look at me.
I just spent my last five
bucks
on a subscription
to Frolicking Nudists.
Saved 50 cents off
the newsstand price.
Radar, could you...
Sixteen dollars and 27 cents.
-But it's all yours.
-Well, that's a start.
You can get a tree
with a view.
Damn! Now somebody else
will buy that land
and put up
a shopping center.
♪♪ [whistling]
Uh, speaking
of that somebody...
Good morning, Charles.
Good morning, gentlemen.
-Corporal.
-Sir.
Warm today,
isn't it, Charles?
I wouldn't know.
Charles, B.J. Needs $200.
Lend him some, will ya?
Very subtle, Hawk.
$200? That's a lot of money.
-Not for you, sir.
-Of course not for me.
I was referring
to Pierce's depleted friend.
Charles, I need it
to make a down payment
on some property
that's very important to me.
I don't know.
It would mean parting
with most of my ready cash.
-I like to stay liquid.
-Hence, the rubber sheets.
Slip back into your
coma, Pierce.
It's a matter of life or death.
Look, tomorrow's payday.
You'll have it back in your hand
just as soon as I get paid.
Well, you obviously
can't leave town.
Charles, I'll be indebted to you
for the rest of my life.
It'll take him that long
to pay you back.
-Radar?
-Don't hug me.
Get this money to Peg.
-I'm halfway there already.
-I'm depending on you.
Oh, sir? Congratulations,
and many more of 'em.
-Go, go, go, go!
-All right! Fine.
-This calls for a toast.
-Of that?
Mother Pierce's
Liquid Land Mine.
-You sip it.
-You sip it through a fuse.
Thank you, no.
I make it a point never
to consume anything
that's been aged
in a radiator.
He knows what he's missing.
-To God's little acre.
-And his gardener.
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention! Attention!
Incoming wounded.
First medical team
report to the chopper pad.
Well, celebrate fast
around here.
[chatter]
Ready for the next
one, Klinger.
Captain Pierce
got the last guy.
HAWKEYE: Please, take
the rest of the siege off.
Okay, if anyone wants me,
I'll be in my tent
marinating the old bunions.
-B.J.: Bon "appe-feet."
-Corny. Corny.
Take it away, Klinger.
The leg goes in traction.
Ladies first. Roy!
-See you for dinner, Beej?
-Our little spot.
Hunnicutt,
could I trouble you
for a consultation?
On my way.
This small bowel
look perforated to you?
I can't see it.
Retract the liver.
Both my hands are
tied up at the moment.
Could you do it?
As long as I'm
in the neighborhood.
Fresh gloves. Retractor.
So you're moving up
to real estate, eh?
Stinson Beach
is not real estate.
It's heaven with a view.
Dad owned some property
like that once.
Out on the Cape. Hyannisport.
Gee, we loved to go there.
Then this large family
moved in next door.
Nouveau riche.
Played a perpetual game
of touch football
on their lawn.
Naturally, we moved out.
They'll let those nouveaus
live anywhere. Wipe.
I've got some photos
of my property,
if you're interested.
Of course I'm not interested.
You know, you were
extremely fortunate
that I was around
with that money.
Thanks again.
Oh, don't--
don't mention it.
It did work out well
for you though.
Peachy. No perforations here.
-Good. Do me a small favor?
-If it's small enough.
Just kidding, Charles.
What is it?
Uh, close the patient
for me.
Well, it's your patient.
Just this once.
I'm due in post-op
in half an hour.
I'd really like to grab
a little bite first.
That's not the usual
procedure, Charles.
Just this once?
It's been a long day...
what with casualties,
business transactions.
Right. Go grab your bite.
Thank you.
I think I should've
stolen the money.
And here, where this rock is,
will be the living room.
-Or maybe the garage.
-I hope you make up your mind
before you lay down
the carpeting.
Good morning, Charles.
Good morning, B.J.
No, I do not want
to look at your land again.
You're just jealous.
Olive drab with envy.
-Ahh.
-What time's pay?
At 11:00 or 1100 hours.
I can never
keep that straight.
Good. We have time
to enjoy breakfast
and still recover from it.
Which one of these shirts
goes best with my pants?
-Uh, the green one.
-You're right.
It matches my skin.
Hurry up, okay?
Yeah.
Hunnicutt, before you leave,
I sure could go
for a cup of coffee.
So go. Pot's on the stove.
See, I'd like to,
but I have this bad back.
Would you be a good egg
and pour me a cup?
Winchester,
is this some kind of game?
Game?
"Close for me."
"Get me a cup of coffee."
I have the feeling I've
become your $200 houseboy.
Well, I'm certainly
surprised at your attitude.
If you feel that way
about it, I'll get it.
It's just a simple little
thing, for heaven's sake.
Ooh! Please, leave.
[groaning]
-Anything else?
-No. Take it black.
See you at 11:00.
Are you still in Korea?
I thought you got smart
and went home.
Can you believe
the nerve of that guy?
Wait. Don't tell me.
Let me guess.
"Oh, Hunnicutt, since
I lent you that money,
would you be a good sport
and simonize my head?"
-Don't give him any ideas.
-You're a schnook.
Thanks. That's nice.
Beej, you're the kind of guy
who lets that kind of guy
get to you.
So you massage the clown's ego
for 24 hours. What do you care?
You're still the one
with the Golden Gate
in your backyard.
You're right.
You know, sometimes it takes
a simple mind like yours
-to work things out.
-I'm glad I could be of help.
-Hunnicutt, do get the door.
-Of course.
Thank you.
Donald has
a brilliant system.
I send him my pay,
and he sends me
an allowance of $30 a week.
It's a swell system.
He says by the time
the war is over,
we'll have saved enough to buy
our off-post dream house.
When we got ours, it came
with a mother-in-law.
-Ah.
-Fortunately for me,
World War I started
the next day.
Sang Mu is waiting
behind Rosie's.
-Hot dog!
-Who's Sang Mu?
Korea's answer
to Marshall Field.
Six floors of merchandise
jammed into one rickshaw.
Part of my pay's going
to a spiffy blanket
for my little mare.
I think she's using you.
Wait'll you see
the string of pearls
Sang Mu set aside for me.
Klinger, when are you gonna
give up this inane masquerade?
Ask him.
Sir, permission
to whisper in your ear?
-What's the problem?
-[whispering]
What do you mean
there's not enough pay?
That--Never mind that.
Just spit it out, son.
Okay. Headquarters
in Tokyo fouled up
and sent part of our pay
to a bakery unit in Guam.
It's gonna take at least a week
to straighten it all out.
-[all shouting]
-At ease, at ease.
Shut 'em up. All right, Radar,
take whatever money came,
pool it, and pay off
the enlisted men
until the well runs dry.
-[cheering]
-Colonel, what about
the officers?
S.O.P., Major.
To hell with regulations!
Ooh, Major.
Don't yell at my bird.
I'm sorry, sir.
It's just that Donald
will be so disappointed.
Forget about Donald.
What am I gonna do
about Winchester?
Simple. Ask for
a second mortgage.
Sweetheart, I'm only asking
for a week's advance.
It's not as if it were
my fault, darling.
Listen, Donald,
I send you every paycheck.
You can shoot some back
for once.
Then cash in one of
our lousy savings bonds!
It's been five minutes,
Major.
How would you like me
to stuff this up your nose?
No, thank you, ma'am.
But we do sort of need
our telephone.
You'll get it
when I get off!
-Now, get out!
-Right.
I cannot believe
you are gonna be this cheap.
What? A guy can't even
have his own office.
What?
I hope your colonel's well.
I think it's about time
we made some changes
in our little system.
Send the money!
Donald, don't you dare
hang up on me!
You just sit there
and listen to this!
Love's a wonderful thing, son.
Oh, Colonel.
Donald and I were merely--
Say no more, Major.
Why don't you hold back
a few dollars from your pay?
Uh, from now on, I will.
You're learning.
I appreciate the advice, sir.
-Advice is cheap.
-So is Colonel Donald.
How dare you!
Well,
you said it first.
Excuse me. Twerp!
That fella's married
to a live grenade.
He's lucky.
He's in Tokyo,
out of range.
-You want to send
a telegram to Mrs. Potter?
-Radar, I want to send--
-Must be important.
-It's kind of important.
-Shoot, sir.
-She's gotta send me 50 bucks,
or I'll lose
Sophie's new blanket.
-I could lend you
the money, sir.
-Oh, nice gesture, son.
-But it wouldn't be right.
-Why not?
'Cause you
I'd have to pay back.
Better believe it.
I mean, uh,
you're right again, sir.
Colonel.
♪♪ [jazz on radio]
Looks like you're gonna
be my only business
this whole week, sir.
What'll you have?
-A little peace and quiet.
-[radio off]
Hey, what'd you do that for?
That was "Mañana."
Frankly, Sergeant,
that aboriginal noise
that you call music
makes me want to upchuck.
-Don't you have
any Rachmaninoff?
-Nah.
-We don't get
any vodka here, sir.
-[door opens]
-Let's find another
Officers' Club.
-Come on.
-Is he still bothering you?
-Yes, he is.
-That's childish and chicken.
-Is not.
-Is too.
-Is not.
Is too. Childish
and chicken. Come here.
It's a little quiet in here.
-Let's have some music.
-♪♪ [jazz]
-[groans]
-Mind if we join you, stranger?
It's a semi-free country.
Charles, congratulations
on that splenectomy
this morning.
That was really great work.
Well, thank you, Pierce.
It's 120 degrees.
Why aren't you sweating?
In the first place,
I don't sweat. I perspire.
And in the second place,
I don't perspire.
Beers for everybody, Zale.
-You payin'?
-Yeah, just put it on my tab.
-In that case,
the bar's closed.
-The bar is what?
Captain, you've already
run up a tab of 50 bucks.
The limit's supposed to be 20.
-Can you believe this guy?
-After all you owe him.
You better not come down
with anything I can cure.
No cash, no firewater.
-I'm starting
not to like Korea.
-Just a moment, Pierce.
Let me handle this, please.
Here you are, Zelmo.
That should clear
his ledger.
Charles, sometimes
you can be a real prince.
-Said the pauper.
-Three beers, Zale.
-Just two.
-Stick around.
We'll talk about all
the old times we're gonna have.
Perhaps mañana.
-You'll be sorry.
-Don't be crazy.
Winchester, thanks again.
Oh, don't-- don't mention it.
Uh, Pierce, I could use
that beer a little later.
-Any time.
-Good. I'll be
off duty around 10.
Be a good chap, bring it to me
in the Swamp, all right?
I have the uneasy feeling
I've just been had.
Perhaps that's because
you've just been had.
He actually ordered me
to get him a beer.
-You actually said "Any time."
-The nerve of that guy!
-You're being childish
and chicken.
-I am not.
-Are too.
-Am not!
Are too.
Childish and chicken.
[clucking]
The nerve of that guy!
Sit down, will ya?
You're scuffing the dirt.
Who does he think he is,
the Merchant of Korea?
Stop crying.
It's only a pound of flesh.
-A pound of flesh, my butt.
-Wherever.
What do you suppose
the sentence is
for firing an officer
out of a Howitzer?
190 years,
if you're a first offender.
♪♪ [humming]
Very pretty. Spike Jones?
Hardly.
It's the drinking song from
the first act of "Traviata."
-Here. Sing this.
-Ah.
Thank you, Pierce.
A bit warm.
Bring up the Howitzer.
Relax, will ya?
Take it easy.
-Let's play cards.
-I don't wanna play cards.
Of course you do.
A little game
at the Officers' Club.
Just the usual crowd
you, me, Charles--
Charles? Charles!
Perfect. Charles.
How about a little poker?
Oh, thank you, no.
It's not really my game.
Now, if you had
a cribbage board...
Sorry, there's only one
in the whole country,
and they're using that
at the peace talks.
If the stakes bother you,
we could play penny ante.
What's the point
of playing at all?
-How about dollar ante?
-Well, all right.
But I must warn you,
I'm a very lucky person.
Oh, we all are.
That's why we're in Korea.
Come on, let's
round everybody up.
Before you can say
"A pair of deuces."
[Hawkeye laughing]
That was
a stroke of genius.
True. Now how do we
stake ourselves?
-We beg.
-Bad knees.
You take the high road.
I'll take the low road.
And I'll be in the chips
before you.
-Halt! Who goes there?
-Ask me nice.
-Captain Pierce?
-Probably.
How would you like
to make a lot of money?
Of course.
What kind of a psycho
do you think I am?
Hunnicutt and I are
getting up a poker game.
We've invited Winchester
to be the rube of honor.
-Ooh! I'm in!
-Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Before you hit the casino,
-can you make a donation
to the underprivileged?
-You?
-Me.
-Hey, you can have
the blouse off my back.
Just the money.
I really should stay here.
My sermon still needs
a big finish.
We've got a rookie
in the lineup tonight.
Charles Emerson Winchester.
-Is he any good?
-What do you think?
I'll ad-lib the ending.
-HAWKEYE: Oh, Major?
-I'm not here.
Oh, I love what you've
done with this room.
Did you make a special trip
over here just to harass me?
Well, that and to ask
for your hand in a poker game.
Poker game? [chuckles]
Look around you.
I can't even afford
the buck and a half
to have my laundry done.
-Do what I do: wear
the same thing every day.
-Yuck.
Margaret, take the advice
of an old and trusted lech.
Hunt up some money from your
nurses and join in the fun.
We're turning Winchester
into Losechester.
Charles?
He doesn't play poker.
Not after tonight.
Oh! That's unfair.
It's practically robbery.
With a little money,
you could have all this
folded professionally.
When do we start?
We ante up in the Officers'
Club in 10 minutes.
-Oh, Colonel--
-I heard, I heard.
I'll see you at the table.
-Radar.
-Buzz off.
-Radar!
-Buzz off. I'm sleeping.
[gasps]
Colonel! Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I don't know
who I'm buzzing off
when I'm asleep.
Quite all right.
Son, I wanna take you
up on that loan.
-Now?
-A hot poker game
waits for no man.
Ooh! How hot is it, sir?
-Major Winchester's sitting in.
-Major Winchester?
Gee, sir, is it okay
if I save some
so I can get in it?
Radar, around our house,
we always carve the ham
equally.
That's wonderful, sir.
Is it okay if I save some
so I can get in it?
Of course. I should've found
a way to tell you that.
'Round and 'round they go.
Here come the cards.
There goes your dough.
Major Houlihan, I'm really
surprised to see you
sitting in on this game.
Oh, a little poker
always relaxes me.
-Hurry up with those cards!
-Okey-dokey.
-♪♪ [humming]
-[knocking]
Nu?
Oh, my.
Well, I'll, uh, hmm,
open for 10.
-I'm in.
-Call.
Replacements, anybody?
Oh, gee. Well,
I'll I'll take four.
Very good, Charles.
You're starting
with one of a kind.
-Two.
-I'll see that and raise 10.
-POTTER: Give me one.
-Keep it in your garter,
Klinger.
The bullpen's over there.
Thought
you were on guard duty.
I bribed Nurse Able
in takin' over.
I'm gonna miss
Sang Mu's pearls.
Oh, well.
Caution to the wind.
-I'll bet two dollars.
-I'll keep them company
and raise you 20.
Call.
Well, no sense
in bein' greedy.
We're gonna be here
all night. Call.
Call. Mm-hmm?
Three kings.
-[all groaning]
-He always wins the first hand.
[chuckles]
Until tonight.
I believe that, uh,
a straight
beats three kings.
-What?
-A four-card draw,
and he gets a straight?
It's awfully lucky,
wouldn't you say?
More like blessed.
♪♪ [whistling "Lidia"
from "La Traviata"]
B.J.: I don't believe
this is happening.
First the war, and now this.
POTTER:
Whose idea was this?
Ask the five-card stud.
Look at him. He doesn't sweat.
I never saw anybody
who doesn't sweat.
Sure you have
in the Reptile House.
I'm gonna fold
while I still have a little
left for the orphans.
Oh, here, Father. Please.
Give them my-- Well.
Give them my best.
Yes. Well,
good night, everyone.
Good night, Mr. Chip.
♪♪ [whistling "Lidia"]
Hmm.
What do you think?
I agree.
I'm in.
Don't you know anything
from the second act?
♪ Raise you 20
Curtain going down.
You deal, Charles.
-Haven't you two
masochists had enough?
-Yes. Deal.
-Come on. Deal the cards.
-Will you deal, please, sir?
Well, I hate to break
your losing streak, gentlemen,
but I'm going out
for a little fresh air.
-We'll have some sent in. Deal.
-Come on! Deal!
-[all shouting]
-I'll be back. I'll be back.
I've just been using the same
muscles for three hours.
I thought I'd stretch
the others.
♪♪ [humming "Lidia"]
I'd give Radar's last dollar
to know how he's doing it.
-You're almost there, sir.
-Maybe he's cheating.
How? I hid all the aces.
It's not the winning
I mind.
It's that damn smugness.
♪♪ [whistling "Lidia"]
And that insipid whistling.
Coming out of that
insipid face.
He doesn't even stop
when he's got a bad hand.
He just keeps whistling louder.
He whistles louder
when he's got nothing.
When he's got nothing!
[all laughing]
He whistles louder--
ALL: ...when he's got nothing!
Oh!
Rhapsody in Bluff.
Folks,
I think we've got him.
-[all laughing]
-What? What?
I'm sorry, but those orphans
need the money more than you.
After tonight, they'll
have enough cash to buy
every parent in Korea.
Winchester is finished.
We got him by his
mezzo-soprano.
I heard this about $60 ago.
-We got a new scouting report.
-Please. It's useless.
There's nothing you can say
to change my mind.
That whistling he does
gets louder when he's bluffing.
-Are you sure?
-Would we lie to you?
Let's get to it.
Oh, wait. I have an extra 20
in my boxing glove.
[birds chirping]
[chuckling]
I'll raise it 10.
You in, Chuckles?
[voice cracking]
Ten?
I'd love to stay in,
but l I'm a little short.
Do either of you fellows
still owe me any money?
Paid it all back
an hour ago.
Ah. Well, I was decent enough
to loan you guys some money.
Say no more, Charles.
Will 20 do?
-And 20 from me.
-Thank you.
You're going to regret
your generosity.
Raise you 30.
♪♪ [whistling loudly]
-KLINGER: I can see that.
-I call.
And to think
I've always hated opera.
♪♪ [stops]
Isn't anyone gonna fold?
Just a bunch of masochists.
Major, you're sweating
on the cards.
-Oh.
-HAWKEYE: Come on. You called.
-A pair of sixes.
-B.J.: Pair of sixes, hey.
Can anyone, or everyone,
beat a pair of sixes?
-Jacks over eights.
-KLINGER: Well, that's good.
POTTER: Well, looks like
you're the joker, Major.
What do you say we call it
a rout? We'll cash in later.
Thank you, Charles.
This will make Donald
very happy if I tell him.
All right, Radar,
this makes us even.
-You can trust me.
-I know, sir.
-You say "I know,"
but you keep counting.
-I know, sir.
From the orphans, Major.
Father, thank you.
Thanks very much, Winchester.
Lovely evening.
♪♪ [all whistling opera]
-MULCAHY: Good morning, Major.
-[laughter]
Well, it certainly looks
as though
I've been taken
to the proverbial cleaners.
You've been
proverbially washed,
dried, folded,
and put in the dryer.
Oh, Pierce,
I've spent more than this
on a late-night snack at home.
You gotta admire a guy
who takes it so well.
I'm a Winchester, Hunnicutt.
A Winchester.
My, my, my. This place
certainly is a mess.
You know, it's
the Officers' Club.
I think an officer
should clean it up.
Perhaps someone
who owes us a favor.
A Winchester, Hunnicutt.
A Winchester.
Are you implying
that I should clean up?
Are you forgetting
we loaned you money?
Oh, that's right. You did.
Don't worry about it, Hawk.
He's a swell guy. He'll do it.
We'll be in the Mess Tent
having iced cappuccino.
Uh, would you put out
some fresh flowers?
B.J.: Don't forget the window.
And clean the drapes.
HAWKEYE: And keep out
of the liquor cabinet.
♪ Mañana
♪ Mañana
♪ Mañana is
good enough for me ♪
Yeah, I've got the bottle
of dirt right here with me.
It's just like I remembered it.
We'll start building
the day I get home.
Okay, the second day.
It's ours, Peg. All ours.
Yeah. I love you too,
sweetheart.
Give Erin a kiss for me.
And the dog.
Till then.
Bye, Peg.
Mwah!
♪♪ [theme]