M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 6, Episode 13 - Comrades in Arms: Part 2 - full transcript
A frustrated B.J. disobeys Col. Potter's orders, convincing a helicopter pilot to search for missing Margaret and Hawkeye who, in the meantime, have found that they have very differing views on the relationship they develop while awaiting rescue behind enemy lines.
♪♪ [theme]
-[shell explodes]
-HAWKEYE: Will you--
-For cryin' out loud,
cut it out!
-Stop it! Will you stop it!
-Just leave us alone!
-Will you cut it out!
If only we could
get some news,
any news.
You boys
better get some sleep.
We're gonna miss them
in O.R. tomorrow.
I can't sleep. I keep expecting
him to walk through the door.
I've said an entire
novena in one night.
Guess
we'll just have to wait.
I'm sure
they're all right.
They must be going
through hell out there.
[shell explodes in distance]
Colonel, this guy
you said couldn't wait
has been waiting
45 minutes.
All right.
Hold your horses. B.J.?
I got him.
Put him down on the end
and get him ready.
-Send Kellye over here
to close for me.
-Kellye, thread your needle.
-Father, retract this for me.
-Right.
Great. Musical scalpels.
Give me a clean gown.
I hope you're shaking
a leg, Winchester.
Colonel, my graceful fingers
are dancing o'er the innards
of this hapless doughboy,
and, when I am done,
I shall be done.
-I'm sorry I asked.
-That's what I had in mind.
Anybody know where
Hawk and Margaret are
and why nobody's out
looking for them?
I spoke to the chaplain
at I-Corps a few minutes ago.
-And?
-No help.
They still won't send up
a spotter plane for a search.
His C.O. just won't budge.
Did you tell him
we're desperate?
Rather vividly.
I'm afraid my anger
may cost me a few days
in purgatory.
Well, your heart was in
the right place, Father.
I wish mine was.
Right now,
it's in my mouth,
waiting for somebody
to do something.
CHARLES: You know, his abrasive
personality to one side,
Pierce was a skilled surgeon.
Charles,
it's a bit premature
to be speaking well
of the dead.
Colonel, did you get through
to the 8063rd yet?
Still floating
on a sea of static.
A little more retraction there,
if you please, Father.
Oh, yes. Sorry.
I'm afraid I'm not
as sharp a nurse as Margaret.
If the truth be known,
Margaret was a superior nurse.
Charles, will you
quit talking about them
in the past tense?
How would you like me
to talk about them,
in the future tense?
Yes, actually.
We could all say a little prayer
that they'll come home tonight.
That's not too far
in the future, is it, Major?
Touché, Father.
[birds chirping]
Oh, yeah.
-[moaning]
-Hmm.
Mm.
Well.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Did you sleep well?
Gee, I don't know.
I was unconscious
most of the time.
How about a nice,
big breakfast?
Great. What'll we do,
call room service or go
down to the coffee shop?
Do we still have
those canned peaches?
-I don't know. I'll see.
-No. You just rest.
-I'll fix breakfast.
-Oh.
[laughing]
-Oh. I wish we had the caviar.
-Yeah.
Oh, no peaches.
-Crackers and jam.
-Well.
Well, that's not so bad.
That's all right.
A continental breakfast.
-The continent of Atlantis.
-The what?
-That's the one that sank.
-Oh. Yeah.
-That's like a joke.
-Similar.
You know, I really love
your sense of humor.
There have been times
in the O.R.,
no one could see
under my mask,
I was smiling
at everything you said.
Sometimes I'd be standing
right next to Frank,
and you'd get off
a really good one on him,
and I'd just be grinning
from ear to ear.
-No kidding.
-[laughing]
How did you feel about me...
under your mask?
Well, you know,
a lot of the stuff that came
out of my mouth
and through my mask
was just fatigue
and craziness.
I know.
I think I always knew.
I mean, I've always felt that
you were a very attractive...
very, uh...
attractive person.
And there we were,
hiding behind our masks
all the time.
-Yeah.
-If only I'd have known
before I met Donald.
-You know?
-Yeah.
Oh! I must look awful.
You look fine.
Wonderful.
Ah! Here I am...
no lipstick, no comb,
dust all over my face.
Well, I guess
if I could pass muster
on a morning like this,
I can't be that bad.
-You look great, Margaret.
-Oh!
I wish I had my toothbrush.
If I don't keep my teeth
polished, they get
positively dim.
You have the whitest teeth
I've ever seen.
Oh, I always thought
they were my weak point.
-Margaret, you could
read by your teeth.
-[laughing]
You know what I like
about you?
You don't shower a woman
with empty praise.
You say very little.
But when you do give
a tiny, little compliment,
it means so much more.
[sighs]
-Doug, have you got a second?
-Hey, Beej, how's it goin'?
Lousy. Pierce and Houlihan
have been missing for
a day and a half.
We can't get I-Corps to send
a plane to look for them.
I know. I got orders
to stay on the ground too.
If we don't find them,
the North Koreans will.
-I'm not just gonna sit
here and let that happen.
-You're not?
-No. We're not.
We? You, me and my chopper?
The three and only.
You and I could get into
an awful lot of trouble,
and so could my chopper.
I don't have any authorization.
You fly through machine gun
fire to pick up wounded G.I.s.
What kind of authorization
do you have for that?
Anybody from I-Corps
sees us up there,
there ain't gonna be a sling
big enough to hold our butts.
Aylesworth, nobody's
gonna see us up there
but the North Koreans.
-All they got is guns.
-All right.
All right. You know
I can't turn down
a chance to get shot at.
Margaret, you certainly
are a delicious cook.
[chuckles] Wait until you see
what I do with leftovers.
Well, here we are-- two sleepy
people by dawn's early light,
hoping they won't get
shot before lunch.
Who'd have thought
we'd wind up together
like this?
Makes you stop and think,
doesn't it?
There's somebody out there!
Get down!
Get down? I can't get up.
No, no, no, no! Stay there.
It's all right.
Don't panic, darling.
-We'll be all right.
-It's a North Korean.
-"Darling"?
-We'll be fine. Just relax.
Margaret, there's a man
in uniform out there,
and he's not here
to read the meter.
-We gotta get outta here.
-He won't come in.
Look, he's scavenging.
He filled his pockets,
and he's coming in here
to look for more goodies.
-Come on!
-[groans] My leg doesn't work.
-It stiffened up overnight.
-Try to move! Please!
He's almost here!
Oh, forget it. Hide! Hide!
Come here, come here!
Get under. Come on.
Get down, get down.
[speaking Korean]
[Korean]
[groans]
Don't touch him!
He may be booby-trapped.
He's got a belly wound.
God, this guy was out there
stealing pennies
from a dead man.
He's only got a couple
of hours left himself.
What crazy place is this?
-How hungry can they be?
-He could have killed us.
I doubt it, not if
you'd offered him breakfast.
Who knows how many more
there are out there?
-[helicopter approaching]
-What's that?
It's a chopper.
It's one of ours!
-We're saved!
-Margaret!
Hey! Hey!
Here we are! Hey!
Hey! Here we are! Hey!
-Nothing. How about your side?
-Not a thing.
KLINGER [on radio]:
MASH 4077 to Red Four. Over.
-[radio static]
-Give me that.
Come in, Red Four.
Do you read me?
-That's Potter.
-Well, do we answer?
Suppose the radio's broken
for another five minutes.
I know you can hear me,
damn it.
Now pick up the phone.
Is he gonna be mad
when we get back.
Not if we find them.
Let's keep looking.
-No! Oh! Oh!
-They gotta be here.
Where are they?
POTTER [on radio]:
Listen, you nitwits!
You are in such big trouble,
you're gonna need a lawyer
just to land again.
First my chief surgeon
and my head nurse
disappear, and now you.
B.J.:
Wait a minute. What's that?
It's a MASH jeep.
Colonel Potter, it's B.J.
I think we found them.
What? Where are you?
Uh-oh.
Doesn't this thing
go any faster?
-[gunfire continues]
-They got the antenna.
-B.J.: Let's get outta here!
-[motor sputtering]
Oh! Oh! Hawk-- Hawkeye!
Ah! Ah!
They were hit! They went back!
Did you hear the shooting?
Come on! We've gotta
get outta here!
Where's the sulfa?
Come on! They'll be
here any minute!
-Here it is.
-Darling, will you
move, please?
-There are people out there
who want to kill us!
-Give me a hand here.
You're not taking him
with us?
Don't be silly.
This is our date.
I'm gonna give him a quarter
and send him to the movies.
He's the enemy!
That's funny. He bleeds
just like our side.
-Ah!
-My leg is coming along
really well.
Listen to me.
You've got to try to walk.
They'll be here any minute.
They'll find him.
Suppose they don't come
in here. He'll die.
Everybody comes in here!
We came in. He came in.
It's Grand Central Station
in here!
Move! Please!
Look. I love
how brave you are.
It's thrilling, really.
I love to see a strong man
who takes charge like that.
Now do what I tell you!
Walk to that door!
Ah, my brave soldier.
You're wonderful.
You're my inspiration.
Shake a leg!
You wanna trade places, fella?
[motor sputtering]
Let me tell you, Hunnicutt.
Stealing a U.S. Army helicopter
is slightly more serious
than grabbing the family car
Saturday night.
Colonel,
I think we found them.
We spotted a jeep,
and I think I saw Margaret.
-You know the coordinates?
-Yeah. I got 'em.
Come on. The North Koreans
are backing off.
The 8063rd can send out
a search party.
Sorry about the chopper,
Colonel.
I'm taking it out
of your allowance.
-I like my men neat.
-And not on the rocks?
When we get back,
I'm gonna get you a new shirt.
This one's nice,
but I hate it.
This shirt has stains on it
that hold fond memories for me.
You know,
you don't have to make
a joke about everything.
Just about most things.
I'll have you in tow soon.
-Don't you ever shave?
-Just my legs.
You know all the time
-when we were insulting
each other?
-Yeah?
Every once in a while...
I'd wonder what it
would be like to be...
...you know, close to you.
-Did you?
-Oh.
We can be honest
with each other now.
Yes, I did. Sure.
And there you were wasting time
with all those other women.
Well, waste not, want not.
I guess we have a problem,
don't we?
We do?
What are we gonna
tell Donald?
Tell Donald?
[stammering]
What are we gonna tell Donald?
-About what?
-About us.
About what happened.
Uh, well...
what do you
usually tell him?
What do I usually tell him?
-No, I mean--
-Yes?
-[branch snaps]
-Did you just hear something?
What do you mean,
what do I usually tell him?
Margaret,
somebody's out there.
What do you mean
by that crack?
Quiet.
Get under that bush.
I'm waiting for an
explanation, Mister!
Come on, come on. Get up.
[rifle bolt locks]
Oh, hi.
Would you be Captain Pierce
and Major Houlihan?
-That's right, yeah.
-We're from the 8063rd.
-Oh!
-You must be pretty
glad to see us.
Glad?
[laughs]
Glad?
[laughing hysterically]
-Glad?
-Stop laughing!
-Margaret, it's over.
-No, it isn't!
Not by a long shot, buster!
HAWKEYE:
So once the new section
of artery is in place,
you do an end-to-end
anastomosis.
MARGARET: We're using
a new vascular clamp
designed at the 4077th.
It allows us to stop
the bleeding
without
crushing the artery.
-Scissors.
-Scissors!
Thank you.
It's a lot like
a coarctation of the aorta
where the narrowed area
is removed
and you sew
the two ends together.
It's new, but it's safe...
for the patient.
Make sure the wound is
well irrigated, nurses,
or you're liable to have
a doctor
turn on you viciously.
Be sure to ask for the right
instruments, doctors,
or you're liable to get handed
something you didn't expect.
Time is important here.
Whatever he asks for,
give it to him immediately,
whether you think
he can handle it or not.
And that does it. Doctor,
would you close for me?
-Major Houlihan,
can I see you outside?
-Certainly.
-What the hell
is the matter with you?
-Not a thing, Captain.
-What's eating you?
-I'll tell you
what's eating me.
You're driving me crazy.
We got along a lot better
until we started
to get along so well.
Now all of a sudden,
you're the queen
and I'm the "Mirror,
mirror on the wall."
Is that so?
If I had to tell you
you were beautiful
one more time,
I was gonna put it
on a record.
-Are you trying
to say I'm vain?
-Who, me?
-And demanding, I suppose?
-Look, I don't mind,
but all this genuflecting
is making my pants baggy.
Let me tell you
something, buster.
Sir Walter Raleigh you ain't.
You think you're not demanding?
You think it isn't vain
to expect me to laugh
at every stupid thing
that comes into your head?
And the sloppiness,
the crudity!
And stop
trying to improve me.
-Just leave me the way I am.
-Gladly.
Just a second.
I'm not finished.
Let's keep this out
of the operating room.
When we walk into surgery,
I expect us to cut into
the patients, not each other.
I'm a professional, Captain.
When we get back
to the 4077th,
no one will see
the faintest sign from me
we've had even
the mildest disagreement.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Shall we go back in
for questions now?
Certainly.
Here's to our dear friends
Hawkeye and Margaret,
who, thank God,
are still with us,
body and spirit intact.
-Amen.
-I'll see your amen
and raise you
two hallelujahs.
A "Hallelujah Chorus"
of hallelujahs.
They ought to be back
in a couple hours.
I don't mind telling you
I was scared clear down
to my jodhpurs.
We all were, Colonel.
[laughing]
I don't imagine they
had too terrific a time
of it themselves.
[B.J., Potter,
Charles laughing]
Those two?
Probably at each other's
throats the whole time.
Oh, I don't know.
Sometimes in adversity,
the coldest of enemies
can close ranks together,
joining hands, as it were,
sustaining each other.
Maybe he's got a point there.
You know, I never looked
at it quite that way.
You think they, uh,
joined hands?
They may have even
sustained each other.
Not to mention
closing ranks.
[chortling]
Ahem. What do you
think, Father?
I think I'm in over my head.
[cheering]
[Margaret squeals]
[All talking, shouting,
indistinct]
KLINGER:
The 8063rd!
-What's the trouble?
-A house fell on me.
-KLINGER: You're kidding.
-MARGARET: Hello, Colonel!
Here we are, Margaret.
Sit right there.
-Oh!
-Let's get it
all set up for you.
We welcome back our wandering
children with open arms.
And so they don't
get lost again,
we have a couple
of little gifts for them.
Klinger.
A MASH compass.
[laughter]
If from this camp
you ever stray,
this little compass
will point the way.
Aim this arrow
to where you ain't,
and you'll come home
with no complaint.
In case you go
traveling again...
here are your passports.
"This is a chief surgeon
and a head nurse.
"Do not give them candy
or let them loose.
"Please return to MASH 4077,
"where they will be
given hot soup,
clean jammies,
and a kiss on the head."
-Ah!
-[all applauding]
Welcome home.
Welcome home.
POTTER: And our undying thanks
to the bad little boys
who disobeyed orders
and went out and found 'em--
B.J. Hunnicutt
and Doug Aylesworth.
♪ Oh, we went lookin' for ya
because we both adore ya ♪
♪ But don't you ever do it,
don't you put us through it ♪
♪ Don't you ever
do it again ♪
-Yay!
-[all cheering]
Thank you.
Thank you all.
You're warm and
affectionate and lovely.
And you're so nice
to come home to.
Isn't that right, Major?
Yes. Indeed it is, Captain.
I can't tell you
how glad I am you found us.
I can't tell you how glad
I am you found us.
-[chuckles]
-Oh, boy!
Am I glad you found us.
-Uh-huh.
-You really saved my life.
-Excuse me.
-Yes?
Hell hath no fury
like a woman sustained.
You got any idea
what that was all about?
I think so, yeah.
How'd you like
to save my life again?
Sure. You want me
to fight her for you?
I need some advice.
We were scared and lonely,
and we turned to each other.
Only I turned away first,
and I guess I've insulted her.
And I don't know
what to do about it.
-Talk to her.
-Yeah, well,
I've thought of that.
Only I'm afraid,
if we make up,
it's liable to start
all over again.
Are you afraid
of her or of you?
Why should I be afraid of me?
Sounds like maybe you felt
something for her,
and it scares you.
I felt something
for her?
Are you nuts?
I felt something?
-You know who you sound like?
-Romeo Montague?
Hot Lips Houlihan. You got
her denial routine down pat.
Don't be crazy.
Well, actually...
even while I was
screaming and yelling
at her a while ago...
a part of me was remembering
the night before.
So talk to her. What's
the worst that can happen,
that you'll have to admit
she stirred something in you?
Give a little.
You got plenty to spare.
-[knocking]
-Yes?
HAWKEYE:
Don't call the police.
I just wanna talk.
-Hurry up.
Don't let anyone see you.
-Nobody saw.
You can't hang around
my door like this.
You want people to talk?
Margaret, I came
to level with you.
I don't think anything
could ever come of it
because we're so different,
but something happened to us
out there, both of us.
Maybe we cared for each other
a little bit more than either
of us would like.
I don't see why
we can't own up to that.
We might even turn out
to be friends.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Nothing happened out there,
not a thing.
Wait a minute, nothing
happened? Is that what
you're trying to tell me?
Not unless you took advantage
of me while I was drunk.
You know, for a minute,
I was afraid I might
like you too much,
but I don't think
I have to worry.
No, wait. Just a second.
Here. Sit down.
Yeah?
I think we can be friends.
-Okay.
-I would agree to that.
Fine. Well, I'll have my lawyer
draw up a contract.
I'm sorry.
I'm not a very open person
sometimes.
Look, nothing
will be different,
not between you and me
or you and Donald.
I don't expect things
to be the same with Donald.
You're not leaving him,
are you ?
All he did was accidentally
send you a letter
he wrote to somebody
named Darleen.
I'm sure the one he meant
for you was just as nice.
I'm sending him
a letter back--
a very carefully worded
letter.
"Dear Hank."
Do you like "Hank"?
Or maybe I should make it
"Dirk."
-Or "Lance."
-"Hank" is nice.
-"Hank" will make him crazy.
-"Dear Hank...
"I'll never forget that night
we spent in that abandoned hut.
"You gave me your warmth and
your caring when I was afraid.
"And now I think,
from time to time,
when I'm afraid again,
"I may have the courage
to let another person know it.
"You've helped me
to grow a little.
Thank you, Hank."
Thank you, Darleen.
The Swedish MASH
at Chorwon just heard
about our arterial transplants.
I don't think
I wanna hear the rest.
You guessed it.
They want a demonstration.
I think Pierce and Houlihan
have done their duty.
That leaves one of you two.
Colonel,
I refuse to run the risk
of going through what
the two of them went through.
They were bombed, wounded,
hounded by the enemy.
They came back here
bloody and limping.
Outside of one moment of glory
in the operating tent,
the whole trip was for them
one gargantuan disaster.
CHARLES:
What are you smiling at?
I'm not smiling.
What are you smiling at?
Who's smiling?
I'm not smiling.
What are you smiling at?
This isn't smiling.
I'm serious.
All right.
Let's cut out the smiling.
Who's smiling?
All right, all right.
I'll go. I'll do it.
But when I come back,
there better not be any smiling.
ALL: Who's smiling?
♪♪ [theme]
-[shell explodes]
-HAWKEYE: Will you--
-For cryin' out loud,
cut it out!
-Stop it! Will you stop it!
-Just leave us alone!
-Will you cut it out!
If only we could
get some news,
any news.
You boys
better get some sleep.
We're gonna miss them
in O.R. tomorrow.
I can't sleep. I keep expecting
him to walk through the door.
I've said an entire
novena in one night.
Guess
we'll just have to wait.
I'm sure
they're all right.
They must be going
through hell out there.
[shell explodes in distance]
Colonel, this guy
you said couldn't wait
has been waiting
45 minutes.
All right.
Hold your horses. B.J.?
I got him.
Put him down on the end
and get him ready.
-Send Kellye over here
to close for me.
-Kellye, thread your needle.
-Father, retract this for me.
-Right.
Great. Musical scalpels.
Give me a clean gown.
I hope you're shaking
a leg, Winchester.
Colonel, my graceful fingers
are dancing o'er the innards
of this hapless doughboy,
and, when I am done,
I shall be done.
-I'm sorry I asked.
-That's what I had in mind.
Anybody know where
Hawk and Margaret are
and why nobody's out
looking for them?
I spoke to the chaplain
at I-Corps a few minutes ago.
-And?
-No help.
They still won't send up
a spotter plane for a search.
His C.O. just won't budge.
Did you tell him
we're desperate?
Rather vividly.
I'm afraid my anger
may cost me a few days
in purgatory.
Well, your heart was in
the right place, Father.
I wish mine was.
Right now,
it's in my mouth,
waiting for somebody
to do something.
CHARLES: You know, his abrasive
personality to one side,
Pierce was a skilled surgeon.
Charles,
it's a bit premature
to be speaking well
of the dead.
Colonel, did you get through
to the 8063rd yet?
Still floating
on a sea of static.
A little more retraction there,
if you please, Father.
Oh, yes. Sorry.
I'm afraid I'm not
as sharp a nurse as Margaret.
If the truth be known,
Margaret was a superior nurse.
Charles, will you
quit talking about them
in the past tense?
How would you like me
to talk about them,
in the future tense?
Yes, actually.
We could all say a little prayer
that they'll come home tonight.
That's not too far
in the future, is it, Major?
Touché, Father.
[birds chirping]
Oh, yeah.
-[moaning]
-Hmm.
Mm.
Well.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Did you sleep well?
Gee, I don't know.
I was unconscious
most of the time.
How about a nice,
big breakfast?
Great. What'll we do,
call room service or go
down to the coffee shop?
Do we still have
those canned peaches?
-I don't know. I'll see.
-No. You just rest.
-I'll fix breakfast.
-Oh.
[laughing]
-Oh. I wish we had the caviar.
-Yeah.
Oh, no peaches.
-Crackers and jam.
-Well.
Well, that's not so bad.
That's all right.
A continental breakfast.
-The continent of Atlantis.
-The what?
-That's the one that sank.
-Oh. Yeah.
-That's like a joke.
-Similar.
You know, I really love
your sense of humor.
There have been times
in the O.R.,
no one could see
under my mask,
I was smiling
at everything you said.
Sometimes I'd be standing
right next to Frank,
and you'd get off
a really good one on him,
and I'd just be grinning
from ear to ear.
-No kidding.
-[laughing]
How did you feel about me...
under your mask?
Well, you know,
a lot of the stuff that came
out of my mouth
and through my mask
was just fatigue
and craziness.
I know.
I think I always knew.
I mean, I've always felt that
you were a very attractive...
very, uh...
attractive person.
And there we were,
hiding behind our masks
all the time.
-Yeah.
-If only I'd have known
before I met Donald.
-You know?
-Yeah.
Oh! I must look awful.
You look fine.
Wonderful.
Ah! Here I am...
no lipstick, no comb,
dust all over my face.
Well, I guess
if I could pass muster
on a morning like this,
I can't be that bad.
-You look great, Margaret.
-Oh!
I wish I had my toothbrush.
If I don't keep my teeth
polished, they get
positively dim.
You have the whitest teeth
I've ever seen.
Oh, I always thought
they were my weak point.
-Margaret, you could
read by your teeth.
-[laughing]
You know what I like
about you?
You don't shower a woman
with empty praise.
You say very little.
But when you do give
a tiny, little compliment,
it means so much more.
[sighs]
-Doug, have you got a second?
-Hey, Beej, how's it goin'?
Lousy. Pierce and Houlihan
have been missing for
a day and a half.
We can't get I-Corps to send
a plane to look for them.
I know. I got orders
to stay on the ground too.
If we don't find them,
the North Koreans will.
-I'm not just gonna sit
here and let that happen.
-You're not?
-No. We're not.
We? You, me and my chopper?
The three and only.
You and I could get into
an awful lot of trouble,
and so could my chopper.
I don't have any authorization.
You fly through machine gun
fire to pick up wounded G.I.s.
What kind of authorization
do you have for that?
Anybody from I-Corps
sees us up there,
there ain't gonna be a sling
big enough to hold our butts.
Aylesworth, nobody's
gonna see us up there
but the North Koreans.
-All they got is guns.
-All right.
All right. You know
I can't turn down
a chance to get shot at.
Margaret, you certainly
are a delicious cook.
[chuckles] Wait until you see
what I do with leftovers.
Well, here we are-- two sleepy
people by dawn's early light,
hoping they won't get
shot before lunch.
Who'd have thought
we'd wind up together
like this?
Makes you stop and think,
doesn't it?
There's somebody out there!
Get down!
Get down? I can't get up.
No, no, no, no! Stay there.
It's all right.
Don't panic, darling.
-We'll be all right.
-It's a North Korean.
-"Darling"?
-We'll be fine. Just relax.
Margaret, there's a man
in uniform out there,
and he's not here
to read the meter.
-We gotta get outta here.
-He won't come in.
Look, he's scavenging.
He filled his pockets,
and he's coming in here
to look for more goodies.
-Come on!
-[groans] My leg doesn't work.
-It stiffened up overnight.
-Try to move! Please!
He's almost here!
Oh, forget it. Hide! Hide!
Come here, come here!
Get under. Come on.
Get down, get down.
[speaking Korean]
[Korean]
[groans]
Don't touch him!
He may be booby-trapped.
He's got a belly wound.
God, this guy was out there
stealing pennies
from a dead man.
He's only got a couple
of hours left himself.
What crazy place is this?
-How hungry can they be?
-He could have killed us.
I doubt it, not if
you'd offered him breakfast.
Who knows how many more
there are out there?
-[helicopter approaching]
-What's that?
It's a chopper.
It's one of ours!
-We're saved!
-Margaret!
Hey! Hey!
Here we are! Hey!
Hey! Here we are! Hey!
-Nothing. How about your side?
-Not a thing.
KLINGER [on radio]:
MASH 4077 to Red Four. Over.
-[radio static]
-Give me that.
Come in, Red Four.
Do you read me?
-That's Potter.
-Well, do we answer?
Suppose the radio's broken
for another five minutes.
I know you can hear me,
damn it.
Now pick up the phone.
Is he gonna be mad
when we get back.
Not if we find them.
Let's keep looking.
-No! Oh! Oh!
-They gotta be here.
Where are they?
POTTER [on radio]:
Listen, you nitwits!
You are in such big trouble,
you're gonna need a lawyer
just to land again.
First my chief surgeon
and my head nurse
disappear, and now you.
B.J.:
Wait a minute. What's that?
It's a MASH jeep.
Colonel Potter, it's B.J.
I think we found them.
What? Where are you?
Uh-oh.
Doesn't this thing
go any faster?
-[gunfire continues]
-They got the antenna.
-B.J.: Let's get outta here!
-[motor sputtering]
Oh! Oh! Hawk-- Hawkeye!
Ah! Ah!
They were hit! They went back!
Did you hear the shooting?
Come on! We've gotta
get outta here!
Where's the sulfa?
Come on! They'll be
here any minute!
-Here it is.
-Darling, will you
move, please?
-There are people out there
who want to kill us!
-Give me a hand here.
You're not taking him
with us?
Don't be silly.
This is our date.
I'm gonna give him a quarter
and send him to the movies.
He's the enemy!
That's funny. He bleeds
just like our side.
-Ah!
-My leg is coming along
really well.
Listen to me.
You've got to try to walk.
They'll be here any minute.
They'll find him.
Suppose they don't come
in here. He'll die.
Everybody comes in here!
We came in. He came in.
It's Grand Central Station
in here!
Move! Please!
Look. I love
how brave you are.
It's thrilling, really.
I love to see a strong man
who takes charge like that.
Now do what I tell you!
Walk to that door!
Ah, my brave soldier.
You're wonderful.
You're my inspiration.
Shake a leg!
You wanna trade places, fella?
[motor sputtering]
Let me tell you, Hunnicutt.
Stealing a U.S. Army helicopter
is slightly more serious
than grabbing the family car
Saturday night.
Colonel,
I think we found them.
We spotted a jeep,
and I think I saw Margaret.
-You know the coordinates?
-Yeah. I got 'em.
Come on. The North Koreans
are backing off.
The 8063rd can send out
a search party.
Sorry about the chopper,
Colonel.
I'm taking it out
of your allowance.
-I like my men neat.
-And not on the rocks?
When we get back,
I'm gonna get you a new shirt.
This one's nice,
but I hate it.
This shirt has stains on it
that hold fond memories for me.
You know,
you don't have to make
a joke about everything.
Just about most things.
I'll have you in tow soon.
-Don't you ever shave?
-Just my legs.
You know all the time
-when we were insulting
each other?
-Yeah?
Every once in a while...
I'd wonder what it
would be like to be...
...you know, close to you.
-Did you?
-Oh.
We can be honest
with each other now.
Yes, I did. Sure.
And there you were wasting time
with all those other women.
Well, waste not, want not.
I guess we have a problem,
don't we?
We do?
What are we gonna
tell Donald?
Tell Donald?
[stammering]
What are we gonna tell Donald?
-About what?
-About us.
About what happened.
Uh, well...
what do you
usually tell him?
What do I usually tell him?
-No, I mean--
-Yes?
-[branch snaps]
-Did you just hear something?
What do you mean,
what do I usually tell him?
Margaret,
somebody's out there.
What do you mean
by that crack?
Quiet.
Get under that bush.
I'm waiting for an
explanation, Mister!
Come on, come on. Get up.
[rifle bolt locks]
Oh, hi.
Would you be Captain Pierce
and Major Houlihan?
-That's right, yeah.
-We're from the 8063rd.
-Oh!
-You must be pretty
glad to see us.
Glad?
[laughs]
Glad?
[laughing hysterically]
-Glad?
-Stop laughing!
-Margaret, it's over.
-No, it isn't!
Not by a long shot, buster!
HAWKEYE:
So once the new section
of artery is in place,
you do an end-to-end
anastomosis.
MARGARET: We're using
a new vascular clamp
designed at the 4077th.
It allows us to stop
the bleeding
without
crushing the artery.
-Scissors.
-Scissors!
Thank you.
It's a lot like
a coarctation of the aorta
where the narrowed area
is removed
and you sew
the two ends together.
It's new, but it's safe...
for the patient.
Make sure the wound is
well irrigated, nurses,
or you're liable to have
a doctor
turn on you viciously.
Be sure to ask for the right
instruments, doctors,
or you're liable to get handed
something you didn't expect.
Time is important here.
Whatever he asks for,
give it to him immediately,
whether you think
he can handle it or not.
And that does it. Doctor,
would you close for me?
-Major Houlihan,
can I see you outside?
-Certainly.
-What the hell
is the matter with you?
-Not a thing, Captain.
-What's eating you?
-I'll tell you
what's eating me.
You're driving me crazy.
We got along a lot better
until we started
to get along so well.
Now all of a sudden,
you're the queen
and I'm the "Mirror,
mirror on the wall."
Is that so?
If I had to tell you
you were beautiful
one more time,
I was gonna put it
on a record.
-Are you trying
to say I'm vain?
-Who, me?
-And demanding, I suppose?
-Look, I don't mind,
but all this genuflecting
is making my pants baggy.
Let me tell you
something, buster.
Sir Walter Raleigh you ain't.
You think you're not demanding?
You think it isn't vain
to expect me to laugh
at every stupid thing
that comes into your head?
And the sloppiness,
the crudity!
And stop
trying to improve me.
-Just leave me the way I am.
-Gladly.
Just a second.
I'm not finished.
Let's keep this out
of the operating room.
When we walk into surgery,
I expect us to cut into
the patients, not each other.
I'm a professional, Captain.
When we get back
to the 4077th,
no one will see
the faintest sign from me
we've had even
the mildest disagreement.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Shall we go back in
for questions now?
Certainly.
Here's to our dear friends
Hawkeye and Margaret,
who, thank God,
are still with us,
body and spirit intact.
-Amen.
-I'll see your amen
and raise you
two hallelujahs.
A "Hallelujah Chorus"
of hallelujahs.
They ought to be back
in a couple hours.
I don't mind telling you
I was scared clear down
to my jodhpurs.
We all were, Colonel.
[laughing]
I don't imagine they
had too terrific a time
of it themselves.
[B.J., Potter,
Charles laughing]
Those two?
Probably at each other's
throats the whole time.
Oh, I don't know.
Sometimes in adversity,
the coldest of enemies
can close ranks together,
joining hands, as it were,
sustaining each other.
Maybe he's got a point there.
You know, I never looked
at it quite that way.
You think they, uh,
joined hands?
They may have even
sustained each other.
Not to mention
closing ranks.
[chortling]
Ahem. What do you
think, Father?
I think I'm in over my head.
[cheering]
[Margaret squeals]
[All talking, shouting,
indistinct]
KLINGER:
The 8063rd!
-What's the trouble?
-A house fell on me.
-KLINGER: You're kidding.
-MARGARET: Hello, Colonel!
Here we are, Margaret.
Sit right there.
-Oh!
-Let's get it
all set up for you.
We welcome back our wandering
children with open arms.
And so they don't
get lost again,
we have a couple
of little gifts for them.
Klinger.
A MASH compass.
[laughter]
If from this camp
you ever stray,
this little compass
will point the way.
Aim this arrow
to where you ain't,
and you'll come home
with no complaint.
In case you go
traveling again...
here are your passports.
"This is a chief surgeon
and a head nurse.
"Do not give them candy
or let them loose.
"Please return to MASH 4077,
"where they will be
given hot soup,
clean jammies,
and a kiss on the head."
-Ah!
-[all applauding]
Welcome home.
Welcome home.
POTTER: And our undying thanks
to the bad little boys
who disobeyed orders
and went out and found 'em--
B.J. Hunnicutt
and Doug Aylesworth.
♪ Oh, we went lookin' for ya
because we both adore ya ♪
♪ But don't you ever do it,
don't you put us through it ♪
♪ Don't you ever
do it again ♪
-Yay!
-[all cheering]
Thank you.
Thank you all.
You're warm and
affectionate and lovely.
And you're so nice
to come home to.
Isn't that right, Major?
Yes. Indeed it is, Captain.
I can't tell you
how glad I am you found us.
I can't tell you how glad
I am you found us.
-[chuckles]
-Oh, boy!
Am I glad you found us.
-Uh-huh.
-You really saved my life.
-Excuse me.
-Yes?
Hell hath no fury
like a woman sustained.
You got any idea
what that was all about?
I think so, yeah.
How'd you like
to save my life again?
Sure. You want me
to fight her for you?
I need some advice.
We were scared and lonely,
and we turned to each other.
Only I turned away first,
and I guess I've insulted her.
And I don't know
what to do about it.
-Talk to her.
-Yeah, well,
I've thought of that.
Only I'm afraid,
if we make up,
it's liable to start
all over again.
Are you afraid
of her or of you?
Why should I be afraid of me?
Sounds like maybe you felt
something for her,
and it scares you.
I felt something
for her?
Are you nuts?
I felt something?
-You know who you sound like?
-Romeo Montague?
Hot Lips Houlihan. You got
her denial routine down pat.
Don't be crazy.
Well, actually...
even while I was
screaming and yelling
at her a while ago...
a part of me was remembering
the night before.
So talk to her. What's
the worst that can happen,
that you'll have to admit
she stirred something in you?
Give a little.
You got plenty to spare.
-[knocking]
-Yes?
HAWKEYE:
Don't call the police.
I just wanna talk.
-Hurry up.
Don't let anyone see you.
-Nobody saw.
You can't hang around
my door like this.
You want people to talk?
Margaret, I came
to level with you.
I don't think anything
could ever come of it
because we're so different,
but something happened to us
out there, both of us.
Maybe we cared for each other
a little bit more than either
of us would like.
I don't see why
we can't own up to that.
We might even turn out
to be friends.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Nothing happened out there,
not a thing.
Wait a minute, nothing
happened? Is that what
you're trying to tell me?
Not unless you took advantage
of me while I was drunk.
You know, for a minute,
I was afraid I might
like you too much,
but I don't think
I have to worry.
No, wait. Just a second.
Here. Sit down.
Yeah?
I think we can be friends.
-Okay.
-I would agree to that.
Fine. Well, I'll have my lawyer
draw up a contract.
I'm sorry.
I'm not a very open person
sometimes.
Look, nothing
will be different,
not between you and me
or you and Donald.
I don't expect things
to be the same with Donald.
You're not leaving him,
are you ?
All he did was accidentally
send you a letter
he wrote to somebody
named Darleen.
I'm sure the one he meant
for you was just as nice.
I'm sending him
a letter back--
a very carefully worded
letter.
"Dear Hank."
Do you like "Hank"?
Or maybe I should make it
"Dirk."
-Or "Lance."
-"Hank" is nice.
-"Hank" will make him crazy.
-"Dear Hank...
"I'll never forget that night
we spent in that abandoned hut.
"You gave me your warmth and
your caring when I was afraid.
"And now I think,
from time to time,
when I'm afraid again,
"I may have the courage
to let another person know it.
"You've helped me
to grow a little.
Thank you, Hank."
Thank you, Darleen.
The Swedish MASH
at Chorwon just heard
about our arterial transplants.
I don't think
I wanna hear the rest.
You guessed it.
They want a demonstration.
I think Pierce and Houlihan
have done their duty.
That leaves one of you two.
Colonel,
I refuse to run the risk
of going through what
the two of them went through.
They were bombed, wounded,
hounded by the enemy.
They came back here
bloody and limping.
Outside of one moment of glory
in the operating tent,
the whole trip was for them
one gargantuan disaster.
CHARLES:
What are you smiling at?
I'm not smiling.
What are you smiling at?
Who's smiling?
I'm not smiling.
What are you smiling at?
This isn't smiling.
I'm serious.
All right.
Let's cut out the smiling.
Who's smiling?
All right, all right.
I'll go. I'll do it.
But when I come back,
there better not be any smiling.
ALL: Who's smiling?
♪♪ [theme]