M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 6, Episode 12 - Comrades in Arms: Part 1 - full transcript
While on their way to another MASH unit to demonstrate a new surgical technique, Margaret and Hawkeye are forced to take shelter in an abandoned hut when they find themselves in a broken down jeep and under fire from an advancing enemy line.
♪♪ [theme]
♪♪ [singing Italian opera]
♪ La donna e mobile
Oh, what I ate today ♪
♪ Pasta fazool
and army gruel ♪
♪♪ [continues]
Do you realize
that you are singing
two entirely different operas,
and they are both out of tune?
-Don't blame me.
I didn't write this stuff.
-As you were.
I'm always as I were,
but thanks anyway.
I need a volunteer
for a business trip.
I haven't volunteered
since my draft board
tied me up in a gunny sack
and sent me over here.
The 8063rd is all agog
over our arterial
transplant technique.
And "gog" they should.
We're fantastic.
You know, what you need
is a humility transplant.
-Unfortunately,
you'll never be a donor.
-How unkind.
They heard we know
how to save a leg when
the artery's destroyed,
and the C.O. up there
begged me to send him
my best surgeon
-to demonstrate the technique.
-Oh, now really, Colonel.
I'm far too busy
to go traipsing over
to every MASH unit
that's too lazy to read
a paper on the subject.
You just
powder your buns, Major.
I'm sending Pierce.
I thought you said
"volunteers."
-I was breaking it
to you gently.
-Why me?
-Indeed, why him?
-Yeah, why him?
Because he's done
dozens of them.
My goodness, but you boys
are competitive.
MARGARET:
Hurry up in there!
Your time was up ten
minutes ago!
You leave in the morning
at 0800, so pack up
your old kit bag
and, uh, give us
a little smile.
-I'm not so sure I love this.
-And pick a nurse to go
with you.
I'm not so sure
I hate it, either.
-Will you hurry up in here?
-Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
-[all clamoring]
-Ladies, ladies.
Before you go in there
and scrape off your
current layer of Korea,
we have a request
for one doctor and one nurse
to demonstrate arterial
transplants at the 8063rd.
Captain Pierce will be
the doctor.
And one of you lucky folks
will be the nurse.
I need someone who can explain
this procedure fast and simple.
Someone with good hands
who's about 5'5" with
freshly laundered hair,
who does not have a tendency
to giggle in the dark.
If you remember, Captain,
I assisted when Dr. Borelli
taught you that operation.
Yes, and you were wonderful,
Major. Just wonderful.
Could I take
a look at your hands?
You're not gonna look
at her hands
or any other part of her.
I'm going with you.
Well, I think a doctor
should choose his nurse.
I'm going with him.
Period. End of sentence.
-Comma. She is in charge
of the nurses.
-You said it!
-Exclamation point.
-[all clamoring]
Let's put it
on a volunteer basis.
Why don't I go with
this volunteer here?
Because this is
a nursing staff,
not a harem.
Margaret,
may I tell you something
in short,
easy-to-understand words?
Tell her tomorrow at 0800.
Now, hit the sack.
Now I'm sorry I didn't
use all the hot water.
-Hurry up. We'll be late.
-Put them in there, Sabu.
-If it please you, Effendi.
-Why should I be offended?
-Is that how
you're gonna be dressed?
-I try to look my best.
You know how jealous
those other doctors can be.
Here's a box of sulfa
and six cans
of fancy cling peaches.
These aren't your puny slices.
These are giant half peaches,
big as your fist.
I thought we'd stop
at a Howard Johnson's.
I hate to eat in the car.
This ain't for you, Skeezix.
I want you to do a little
trading.
See if they've got
some penicillin.
Don't take less than
50 vials of penicillin
for those peaches.
Here, Major, before you go,
you got a letter
from Colonel Penobscott.
Thank you.
Would you mind standing back?
Why? Is something
gonna jump out of it?
I don't want you reading
over my shoulder.
-What is all this stuff?
-Lipstick, nylons, perfume.
And a jar of Charles's caviar.
You can only get so far
with peaches.
Did Charles mind?
Didn't say a word.
Didn't even wake up.
Now, you be sure
and call us when you get there
so we'll know
you're all right.
-Yes, Dad.
-[gasping]
-Boy, he sure packs a lot
in a few sentences.
-Mind your own business.
-Don't do anything
I wouldn't do.
-What don't you do?
-I'll think of something.
-Can we go?
-CHARLES: He stole my caviar!
-Bye, folks. We'll write.
He stole my caviar!
♪♪ [Hawkeye singing opera]
Do you have to sing?
I didn't bring
my tap shoes.
-You have a grating voice.
-Oh, it's just a modest voice.
I never thought
of it as great.
Grating. Ting, ting.
-Hello.
-What?
It's a game, right?
Like knock, knock?
You say, "Ting, ting."
I say, "Hello." Okay, go ahead.
Hello?
What's the joke?
The joke is that
of all the people
I could've driven 40 miles
into the wilderness with,
I had to get an orangutan.
Look, Margaret, why don't we
make the best of this?
There's no reason we can't
pass the time pleasantly.
Why don't you read me
your letter?
Why don't you eat
your steering wheel?
-Just trying to be friendly.
-[Margaret screams]
-What are you doing?
-Getting out of here.
What do you think I'm doing?
Keep moving!
You watch how fast
I move once I turn around.
Straight ahead!
They're not gonna hit anything!
They're hitting the road!
You don't call that anything?
What are you gonna do?
Go backwards all the way home?
I'm trying to find a place
to turn around!
-[Margaret screams]
-Maybe you're right.
On the other hand
Are you trying
to get us killed?
Get this car in gear
and start driving that way!
Maybe you haven't noticed.
They're lobbing shells
over there.
Ignore them!
[screams]
Okay!
[shouting]
I can't hear you anymore.
Do you read me?
Tell me if you read me,
damn it!
MAN: Every other word.
Say again. Not too clear.
What's happening?
What's the problem?
KLINGER:
The 8063rd had to bug out.
The North Koreans were
so close,
they were practically
in their chow line.
-B.J.: What about Hawk and
Margaret? Are they with them?
-I don't know.
-All I get now is static.
-Can you try another frequency?
KLINGER: 8063rd,
this is MASH 4077.
What's happening?
This is 8063rd.
Do you copy? Over.
This is 4077.
Pierce and Houlihan--
Are they with you?
They never showed up.
Damn it. Why didn't you
tell us you were gonna move?
Happened too fast.
If they take
the same road back
there's a chance
we'll see them.
-How big a chance?
-[static]
-You keep trying.
I'll get Potter.
-They bugged out.
MARGARET: That means
we're behind enemy lines.
-Let's get out of here.
-Come on, hurry, will you?
-I'm hurrying.
-Let's go!
We're going!
We're going!
[engine starts]
MARGARET:
Why are you taking this road?
HAWKEYE:
Because they're
not shelling it.
I try to avoid roads that are
in the process of disappearing.
-[explosion]
-What's that?
Artillery.
Don't be such a coward.
-[engine banging]
-That!
Oh, that.
Don't pay any attention.
[engine sputters, dies]
[hissing]
If you don't mind,
I'm gonna go into a mild panic.
There's just something wrong
with the motor.
Get out and fix it.
Oh, okay. Sure.
No problem.
I'll have this thing
going in no time.
-What are you doing?
-You have to know how
to treat these brutes.
I had a stubborn
Studebaker once.
The only thing they understand
is a good, swift kick
in the radiator.
Open the hood.
That's this, right?
There. It ought to be
all downhill from here on.
Probably something very simple,
like maybe a broken buckle on
the fan belt.
-Let me see.
-I thought you'd never ask.
Maybe the muffler unraveled.
Or maybe the...
Maybe the radiator cap
has snapped its brim.
I tried that already.
Margaret, face it.
The patient is dead.
Why don't we pull a sheet
over its headlights and move on?
-[man speaking Korean]
-Hey.
Come on.
[Korean continues]
[starter cranking]
[engine starts]
[laughing, cheering]
I hope you're not
blaming me for that.
How can a grown man be
so mechanically incompetent?
-I take a lot of cabs.
-Oh! Come on!
Boy, I wouldn't want to be
those guys when the Colonel
finds out his jeep is missing.
Oh! Jeez!
Captain, my chief surgeon
and my head nurse are lost
behind enemy lines.
Don't you think "I" Corps
ought to find them?
Don't waste time.
Tell him you want to talk
to the General.
Will you pipe down?
Captain, I got the feeling
I'm talking to a broken record.
Get me General Roberts.
You're afraid
that's impossible?
Try not to be afraid, Captain.
You're supposed to be a soldier.
When he comes in,
I would really appreciate
a little jingle
on the talking machine.
How can they let them wander
around behind enemy lines
without lifting a finger
to help them?
They're expecting
some action in this area
and they don't want
to send up a spotter plane
for fear it'll tip off
the enemy.
That's ridiculous!
I don't accept that!
What are you getting mad
at me for?
I'm just delivering
the message.
What did you do the day
you were drafted?
Shoot the Western Union boy?
First I tipped him.
Look, I want somebody
to find them.
-So do I!
-I want somebody
to start looking right now!
Stop dogging me, will ya?
Heel! Heel!
♪ Peas, peas, peas, peas
♪ Eating Goober's peas
♪ Goodness,
how delicious eating ♪
Will you stop that?
That's a Civil War
marching song.
Not another idiotic note!
I was just trying
to be military.
[grunting]
You know, you shouldn't read
while you walk.
It makes you grunt.
Butt out, you-- you--
You can't even fix a simple
case of engine trouble.
-What kind of a man are you?
-Certainly not a serviceman.
-In more ways than one.
-Come here. Come here.
Come here.
Where are you going?
There's a YMCA over here.
Let's see if we can
check in for the night.
Act like you
got a mustache.
Cute.
This place is
a handyman's delight.
-A real fixer-upper.
-[shell explodes]
I'm not staying in here.
It's a perfect target.
Margaret,
some forward observer's
probably using this hut
as a registration point.
-He's not gonna destroy
his own benchmark.
-That's right.
I didn't know you knew
anything military.
I learned it at the movies.
"Abbott and Costello Meet
Hitler."
I just don't want to walk
around out there while
it's raining artillery shells.
[shells exploding]
Margaret, stay where you are.
I'll be back in a minute.
-You're not going out there.
-Hard to believe, isn't it?
You just said it was
raining artillery shells.
-I'll run between the drops.
-I'm coming with you.
Oh, no. Every time we try
to do something together,
we have a 20-minute
debate about it.
I won't argue with you.
Let's go.
Just make sure you keep low.
Lower!
-I'll dig a tunnel.
-You know absolutely
nothing about soldiering.
I do not want to discuss
my every breath with you.
-I'm not saying a word.
-Good.
I'm not a buttinsky.
Do it your way. Go by yourself.
-Thank you.
-But keep low.
[growling]
Keep low. Stay down.
Hurry up!
-[shell explodes]
-Stay there!
What are you doing?
Get out of there!
-[coughing]
-Stay down! Keep low!
Stay down! Keep low!
Keep low!
What's the matter with you?
You run out there and risk
your life,
and then you come back
without him?
He's dead.
[shell explodes]
All right.
You can get off me now.
-Yeah, well, uh...
-You better get off me, buster!
I think I got something
stuck in my leg.
Oh, my God.
Wait a minute.
-[fabric tearing]
-Margaret, there's no time
for that now. Look at my wound.
Oh, will you be quiet?
You're hurt.
Do you want some morphine?
How bad is it?
I can hardly feel it.
You got a hunk of wood in there.
You want me to take it out?
Of course I do!
If I want a souvenir,
I'll go to a gift shop.
I'm gonna pour some alcohol
on it. It might sting.
-[screaming]
-Stop twitching!
You're making this
very difficult!
-Forget it. Leave it in.
-Just hold still.
-[screams]
-Will you be quiet
and hold still?
I can't get ahold of it.
I don't want
to make things worse.
No, me neither. No.
-There. Ah.
-[grunting]
-You want to look at it?
-Don't be morbid.
Just clean it off
and put a dressing on it.
Let me give you
a shot of morphine.
Will you stop pushing
the morphine?
Okay, but this is
gonna hurt a little.
That's all right.
I'm tough.
-Uh-huh.
-[explosions continue]
[screams]
-I haven't even started yet.
-I'm just practicing.
-Where's Colonel Potter?
-Checking his list
of classmates
to see who can help
find Captain Pierce
and Major Houlihan.
Well, I have an appointment
with him. It's absolutely
crucial that I see him.
Still trying to get
transferred, huh, Major?
Are you addressing me?
Major, we're both looking for
that great exit sign in the sky.
-We're soul mates.
-What we are is cell mates.
Beyond that minimal similarity,
there's a vast difference
which I can easily demonstrate
by having you assigned
to eternal K.P.,
if you get my drift.
Relax, Major.
I'm on your side.
Maybe we could, uh,
trade a few secrets,
butter each other's bread,
if you get my drift.
Why don't you knit yourself
a giant cesspool and go for
a swim?
-I'm treading water right now,
Major, just like you.
-[phone ringing]
I hope that's good news.
MASH 4077th.
Yes, sir.
Right away, sir.
General Roberts! He could
get me out of here in a minute
if only he could
see my outfit.
What a waste.
I'll get Colonel Potter.
[chuckling]
General Roberts?
This is Major Charles
Emerson Winchester.
I just thought
you'd like to know, sir,
there's been quite an error
in assignments here.
There's someone here
who should be in Tokyo.
Yes, General, I am he.
Sad to say, I'm terribly
overqualified for this
very pleasant little outfit,
and I--
I beg your pardon? No.
General, I'm not
wearing a dress. No.
You have me confused
with a lunatic.
You don't?
May I ask
what you mean by that?
No, I will not get a good grip
on my nylons! How dare you!
Hello, General.
Hello.
-The line's dead.
-Indeed it is.
Our conversation
was short and un-sweet.
-What did he say, Charles?
-That idiot thought I was
Klinger!
Roberts never was too bright.
What's his estimate of the
situation?
He told me to take
my application for transfer
and tuck it in my bra
until the war was over.
-What did he say about Hawkeye
and Margaret?
-What... What?
-You idiot.
-You know how long we've been
trying to get through to him?
I'm gonna get you your
transfer to another hospital,
pal, as a patient!
Gentlemen, I am as concerned
about them as you are.
I was temporarily blinded
by the opportunity.
I will get General Roberts
on the phone and straighten
the whole thing out.
Stay away from that phone,
or you'll be bunking with
my horse.
I'm putting through
the call myself.
Then I'm gonna sit here
until somebody can find
Pierce and Houlihan!
Listen, I want to apologize.
I'm sorry I insisted
on going ahead
-when we started
getting shelled.
-Oh, that's all right.
You come from a long line
of courageous military people.
Insanity is hereditary.
I suppose I deserve that.
No, you don't.
I was being kind.
I was upset.
I wasn't thinking clearly.
What's eating you, anyway?
What is it, the letter?
-What's in it?
-Never mind!
-[chuckling]
-What are you laughing at?
I just remembered.
You're gonna be sorry
you were mean to me
when you see what I brought.
Probably a bottle of that
liquid rat poison of yours.
Forget it.
Ha-ha on you.
-Japanese scotch.
-Oh.
-So how good could that be?
-How good does it have to be?
Give me the bottle.
Is that cup clean?
It can't be too dirty.
Whatever's in the bottom
is still alive.
Just pass the cup.
[cups clink]
Do you think we'll
ever get out of here?
I was just gonna ask you
the same question.
I don't like the war, you know.
I hate it.
I hate the destruction.
The stupidity of the waste.
The disruption
of personal lives.
-Margaret,
what's in the letter?
-Oh, well!
It probably would, uh,
hand you a laugh, actually.
For instance-- This is only
the beginning.
"My dear Darleen."
-Is that your nickname?
-No.
-Why is he calling you Darleen?
-He's not calling me Darleen.
He put this letter
in the wrong envelope.
"My dear Darleen.
"How long it's been
since we walked together
"on the beach at Oahu.
"I can still see the moonlight
splashing on your shoulders
and hear the gentle whoosh,
whoosh, whoosh of the waves."
His last letter to me dealt
entirely with a self-loading
semiautomatic submachine gun.
My letter went
"clickety, click, click,"
whereas hers goes
"whoosh, whoosh, whoosh."
-And splashing moonlight.
-"I know you've heard
I'm married.
"I'm sure you'd like her.
"She's competent
and a hard worker.
"She'll make an excellent
hostess when we return
to the States.
All in all, a sturdy woman."
-Sturdy!
-Sturdy is nice.
Sturdy can be, uh,
quite, uh...
I mean nothing to him!
If I were a half-ton truck,
he'd be more lyrical about me.
And the worst thing is
this stupid woman with
the ocean whooshing
all over her toes
is this minute
reading the letter
he meant for me.
I'm sorry, Margaret.
You must really hurt.
Hurt?
You know what it feels like
to give your heart to somebody?
To live just for a glimpse
of his handwriting in the mail?
To lose sight of his picture
because you've covered it
with lipstick?
And then to find out
you're sturdy?
And then to have them lob
artillery shells at you, huh?
It's certainly been
an interesting day.
Margaret?
I wish there was something
I could say to ease the pain.
I'm all right.
I've always taken great pride
in the fact that
I can adjust to anything.
Margaret, why don't you
get it out of your system?
I'm fine!
Thanks for the drink.
-You want some more?
-Oh, a sip, maybe.
I'll sleep over there.
Oh, I think I should warn you.
If you come over here
for any reason during
the night, announce yourself.
-I intend to swing this
to kill.
-Good night.
-[shell exploding]
-What? What? What?
-Stop it! Will you stop it?
-Margaret, wait a minute.
We're people! You can't shoot
at us like we're animals!
You want to drive us crazy?
You want us to go insane?
Is that what you want?
-Shut up!
-Why don't you let us have
one hour of sleep in peace?
-[shell explodes]
-[screaming] Stop it! Stop it!
You don't even know whether
we're Americans or Chinese
or Koreans!
-Margaret, come here.
-I'm sorry. I'm afraid.
-Me too. So am I.
-I don't like being afraid.
It scares me.
Me too. I'd feel a lot braver
if I weren't so scared.
-Please hold me.
-I'm holding you.
-I can't feel it.
Hold me. Hold me.
-Margaret, I'm holding you.
-[shell explodes]
-Will you cut it out?
You want to kill us?
[shell explodes]
-For cryin' out loud,
cut it out!
-Stop it! Will you stop it!
-Just leave us alone!
-Will you cut it out!
[shells exploding]
Have you heard anything yet?
I've been ready to pounce
on that telephone
for the past two hours.
-Not a jingle.
-If only we could
get some news.
Any news.
You boys better get
some sleep.
We're gonna miss 'em
in O.R. tomorrow.
I can't sleep.
I keep expecting him
to walk through the door.
I've said an entire novena
in one night.
I guess we'll just
have to wait.
-I'm sure they're all right.
-They must be going through
hell out there.
♪♪ [theme]
♪♪ [singing Italian opera]
♪ La donna e mobile
Oh, what I ate today ♪
♪ Pasta fazool
and army gruel ♪
♪♪ [continues]
Do you realize
that you are singing
two entirely different operas,
and they are both out of tune?
-Don't blame me.
I didn't write this stuff.
-As you were.
I'm always as I were,
but thanks anyway.
I need a volunteer
for a business trip.
I haven't volunteered
since my draft board
tied me up in a gunny sack
and sent me over here.
The 8063rd is all agog
over our arterial
transplant technique.
And "gog" they should.
We're fantastic.
You know, what you need
is a humility transplant.
-Unfortunately,
you'll never be a donor.
-How unkind.
They heard we know
how to save a leg when
the artery's destroyed,
and the C.O. up there
begged me to send him
my best surgeon
-to demonstrate the technique.
-Oh, now really, Colonel.
I'm far too busy
to go traipsing over
to every MASH unit
that's too lazy to read
a paper on the subject.
You just
powder your buns, Major.
I'm sending Pierce.
I thought you said
"volunteers."
-I was breaking it
to you gently.
-Why me?
-Indeed, why him?
-Yeah, why him?
Because he's done
dozens of them.
My goodness, but you boys
are competitive.
MARGARET:
Hurry up in there!
Your time was up ten
minutes ago!
You leave in the morning
at 0800, so pack up
your old kit bag
and, uh, give us
a little smile.
-I'm not so sure I love this.
-And pick a nurse to go
with you.
I'm not so sure
I hate it, either.
-Will you hurry up in here?
-Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
-[all clamoring]
-Ladies, ladies.
Before you go in there
and scrape off your
current layer of Korea,
we have a request
for one doctor and one nurse
to demonstrate arterial
transplants at the 8063rd.
Captain Pierce will be
the doctor.
And one of you lucky folks
will be the nurse.
I need someone who can explain
this procedure fast and simple.
Someone with good hands
who's about 5'5" with
freshly laundered hair,
who does not have a tendency
to giggle in the dark.
If you remember, Captain,
I assisted when Dr. Borelli
taught you that operation.
Yes, and you were wonderful,
Major. Just wonderful.
Could I take
a look at your hands?
You're not gonna look
at her hands
or any other part of her.
I'm going with you.
Well, I think a doctor
should choose his nurse.
I'm going with him.
Period. End of sentence.
-Comma. She is in charge
of the nurses.
-You said it!
-Exclamation point.
-[all clamoring]
Let's put it
on a volunteer basis.
Why don't I go with
this volunteer here?
Because this is
a nursing staff,
not a harem.
Margaret,
may I tell you something
in short,
easy-to-understand words?
Tell her tomorrow at 0800.
Now, hit the sack.
Now I'm sorry I didn't
use all the hot water.
-Hurry up. We'll be late.
-Put them in there, Sabu.
-If it please you, Effendi.
-Why should I be offended?
-Is that how
you're gonna be dressed?
-I try to look my best.
You know how jealous
those other doctors can be.
Here's a box of sulfa
and six cans
of fancy cling peaches.
These aren't your puny slices.
These are giant half peaches,
big as your fist.
I thought we'd stop
at a Howard Johnson's.
I hate to eat in the car.
This ain't for you, Skeezix.
I want you to do a little
trading.
See if they've got
some penicillin.
Don't take less than
50 vials of penicillin
for those peaches.
Here, Major, before you go,
you got a letter
from Colonel Penobscott.
Thank you.
Would you mind standing back?
Why? Is something
gonna jump out of it?
I don't want you reading
over my shoulder.
-What is all this stuff?
-Lipstick, nylons, perfume.
And a jar of Charles's caviar.
You can only get so far
with peaches.
Did Charles mind?
Didn't say a word.
Didn't even wake up.
Now, you be sure
and call us when you get there
so we'll know
you're all right.
-Yes, Dad.
-[gasping]
-Boy, he sure packs a lot
in a few sentences.
-Mind your own business.
-Don't do anything
I wouldn't do.
-What don't you do?
-I'll think of something.
-Can we go?
-CHARLES: He stole my caviar!
-Bye, folks. We'll write.
He stole my caviar!
♪♪ [Hawkeye singing opera]
Do you have to sing?
I didn't bring
my tap shoes.
-You have a grating voice.
-Oh, it's just a modest voice.
I never thought
of it as great.
Grating. Ting, ting.
-Hello.
-What?
It's a game, right?
Like knock, knock?
You say, "Ting, ting."
I say, "Hello." Okay, go ahead.
Hello?
What's the joke?
The joke is that
of all the people
I could've driven 40 miles
into the wilderness with,
I had to get an orangutan.
Look, Margaret, why don't we
make the best of this?
There's no reason we can't
pass the time pleasantly.
Why don't you read me
your letter?
Why don't you eat
your steering wheel?
-Just trying to be friendly.
-[Margaret screams]
-What are you doing?
-Getting out of here.
What do you think I'm doing?
Keep moving!
You watch how fast
I move once I turn around.
Straight ahead!
They're not gonna hit anything!
They're hitting the road!
You don't call that anything?
What are you gonna do?
Go backwards all the way home?
I'm trying to find a place
to turn around!
-[Margaret screams]
-Maybe you're right.
On the other hand
Are you trying
to get us killed?
Get this car in gear
and start driving that way!
Maybe you haven't noticed.
They're lobbing shells
over there.
Ignore them!
[screams]
Okay!
[shouting]
I can't hear you anymore.
Do you read me?
Tell me if you read me,
damn it!
MAN: Every other word.
Say again. Not too clear.
What's happening?
What's the problem?
KLINGER:
The 8063rd had to bug out.
The North Koreans were
so close,
they were practically
in their chow line.
-B.J.: What about Hawk and
Margaret? Are they with them?
-I don't know.
-All I get now is static.
-Can you try another frequency?
KLINGER: 8063rd,
this is MASH 4077.
What's happening?
This is 8063rd.
Do you copy? Over.
This is 4077.
Pierce and Houlihan--
Are they with you?
They never showed up.
Damn it. Why didn't you
tell us you were gonna move?
Happened too fast.
If they take
the same road back
there's a chance
we'll see them.
-How big a chance?
-[static]
-You keep trying.
I'll get Potter.
-They bugged out.
MARGARET: That means
we're behind enemy lines.
-Let's get out of here.
-Come on, hurry, will you?
-I'm hurrying.
-Let's go!
We're going!
We're going!
[engine starts]
MARGARET:
Why are you taking this road?
HAWKEYE:
Because they're
not shelling it.
I try to avoid roads that are
in the process of disappearing.
-[explosion]
-What's that?
Artillery.
Don't be such a coward.
-[engine banging]
-That!
Oh, that.
Don't pay any attention.
[engine sputters, dies]
[hissing]
If you don't mind,
I'm gonna go into a mild panic.
There's just something wrong
with the motor.
Get out and fix it.
Oh, okay. Sure.
No problem.
I'll have this thing
going in no time.
-What are you doing?
-You have to know how
to treat these brutes.
I had a stubborn
Studebaker once.
The only thing they understand
is a good, swift kick
in the radiator.
Open the hood.
That's this, right?
There. It ought to be
all downhill from here on.
Probably something very simple,
like maybe a broken buckle on
the fan belt.
-Let me see.
-I thought you'd never ask.
Maybe the muffler unraveled.
Or maybe the...
Maybe the radiator cap
has snapped its brim.
I tried that already.
Margaret, face it.
The patient is dead.
Why don't we pull a sheet
over its headlights and move on?
-[man speaking Korean]
-Hey.
Come on.
[Korean continues]
[starter cranking]
[engine starts]
[laughing, cheering]
I hope you're not
blaming me for that.
How can a grown man be
so mechanically incompetent?
-I take a lot of cabs.
-Oh! Come on!
Boy, I wouldn't want to be
those guys when the Colonel
finds out his jeep is missing.
Oh! Jeez!
Captain, my chief surgeon
and my head nurse are lost
behind enemy lines.
Don't you think "I" Corps
ought to find them?
Don't waste time.
Tell him you want to talk
to the General.
Will you pipe down?
Captain, I got the feeling
I'm talking to a broken record.
Get me General Roberts.
You're afraid
that's impossible?
Try not to be afraid, Captain.
You're supposed to be a soldier.
When he comes in,
I would really appreciate
a little jingle
on the talking machine.
How can they let them wander
around behind enemy lines
without lifting a finger
to help them?
They're expecting
some action in this area
and they don't want
to send up a spotter plane
for fear it'll tip off
the enemy.
That's ridiculous!
I don't accept that!
What are you getting mad
at me for?
I'm just delivering
the message.
What did you do the day
you were drafted?
Shoot the Western Union boy?
First I tipped him.
Look, I want somebody
to find them.
-So do I!
-I want somebody
to start looking right now!
Stop dogging me, will ya?
Heel! Heel!
♪ Peas, peas, peas, peas
♪ Eating Goober's peas
♪ Goodness,
how delicious eating ♪
Will you stop that?
That's a Civil War
marching song.
Not another idiotic note!
I was just trying
to be military.
[grunting]
You know, you shouldn't read
while you walk.
It makes you grunt.
Butt out, you-- you--
You can't even fix a simple
case of engine trouble.
-What kind of a man are you?
-Certainly not a serviceman.
-In more ways than one.
-Come here. Come here.
Come here.
Where are you going?
There's a YMCA over here.
Let's see if we can
check in for the night.
Act like you
got a mustache.
Cute.
This place is
a handyman's delight.
-A real fixer-upper.
-[shell explodes]
I'm not staying in here.
It's a perfect target.
Margaret,
some forward observer's
probably using this hut
as a registration point.
-He's not gonna destroy
his own benchmark.
-That's right.
I didn't know you knew
anything military.
I learned it at the movies.
"Abbott and Costello Meet
Hitler."
I just don't want to walk
around out there while
it's raining artillery shells.
[shells exploding]
Margaret, stay where you are.
I'll be back in a minute.
-You're not going out there.
-Hard to believe, isn't it?
You just said it was
raining artillery shells.
-I'll run between the drops.
-I'm coming with you.
Oh, no. Every time we try
to do something together,
we have a 20-minute
debate about it.
I won't argue with you.
Let's go.
Just make sure you keep low.
Lower!
-I'll dig a tunnel.
-You know absolutely
nothing about soldiering.
I do not want to discuss
my every breath with you.
-I'm not saying a word.
-Good.
I'm not a buttinsky.
Do it your way. Go by yourself.
-Thank you.
-But keep low.
[growling]
Keep low. Stay down.
Hurry up!
-[shell explodes]
-Stay there!
What are you doing?
Get out of there!
-[coughing]
-Stay down! Keep low!
Stay down! Keep low!
Keep low!
What's the matter with you?
You run out there and risk
your life,
and then you come back
without him?
He's dead.
[shell explodes]
All right.
You can get off me now.
-Yeah, well, uh...
-You better get off me, buster!
I think I got something
stuck in my leg.
Oh, my God.
Wait a minute.
-[fabric tearing]
-Margaret, there's no time
for that now. Look at my wound.
Oh, will you be quiet?
You're hurt.
Do you want some morphine?
How bad is it?
I can hardly feel it.
You got a hunk of wood in there.
You want me to take it out?
Of course I do!
If I want a souvenir,
I'll go to a gift shop.
I'm gonna pour some alcohol
on it. It might sting.
-[screaming]
-Stop twitching!
You're making this
very difficult!
-Forget it. Leave it in.
-Just hold still.
-[screams]
-Will you be quiet
and hold still?
I can't get ahold of it.
I don't want
to make things worse.
No, me neither. No.
-There. Ah.
-[grunting]
-You want to look at it?
-Don't be morbid.
Just clean it off
and put a dressing on it.
Let me give you
a shot of morphine.
Will you stop pushing
the morphine?
Okay, but this is
gonna hurt a little.
That's all right.
I'm tough.
-Uh-huh.
-[explosions continue]
[screams]
-I haven't even started yet.
-I'm just practicing.
-Where's Colonel Potter?
-Checking his list
of classmates
to see who can help
find Captain Pierce
and Major Houlihan.
Well, I have an appointment
with him. It's absolutely
crucial that I see him.
Still trying to get
transferred, huh, Major?
Are you addressing me?
Major, we're both looking for
that great exit sign in the sky.
-We're soul mates.
-What we are is cell mates.
Beyond that minimal similarity,
there's a vast difference
which I can easily demonstrate
by having you assigned
to eternal K.P.,
if you get my drift.
Relax, Major.
I'm on your side.
Maybe we could, uh,
trade a few secrets,
butter each other's bread,
if you get my drift.
Why don't you knit yourself
a giant cesspool and go for
a swim?
-I'm treading water right now,
Major, just like you.
-[phone ringing]
I hope that's good news.
MASH 4077th.
Yes, sir.
Right away, sir.
General Roberts! He could
get me out of here in a minute
if only he could
see my outfit.
What a waste.
I'll get Colonel Potter.
[chuckling]
General Roberts?
This is Major Charles
Emerson Winchester.
I just thought
you'd like to know, sir,
there's been quite an error
in assignments here.
There's someone here
who should be in Tokyo.
Yes, General, I am he.
Sad to say, I'm terribly
overqualified for this
very pleasant little outfit,
and I--
I beg your pardon? No.
General, I'm not
wearing a dress. No.
You have me confused
with a lunatic.
You don't?
May I ask
what you mean by that?
No, I will not get a good grip
on my nylons! How dare you!
Hello, General.
Hello.
-The line's dead.
-Indeed it is.
Our conversation
was short and un-sweet.
-What did he say, Charles?
-That idiot thought I was
Klinger!
Roberts never was too bright.
What's his estimate of the
situation?
He told me to take
my application for transfer
and tuck it in my bra
until the war was over.
-What did he say about Hawkeye
and Margaret?
-What... What?
-You idiot.
-You know how long we've been
trying to get through to him?
I'm gonna get you your
transfer to another hospital,
pal, as a patient!
Gentlemen, I am as concerned
about them as you are.
I was temporarily blinded
by the opportunity.
I will get General Roberts
on the phone and straighten
the whole thing out.
Stay away from that phone,
or you'll be bunking with
my horse.
I'm putting through
the call myself.
Then I'm gonna sit here
until somebody can find
Pierce and Houlihan!
Listen, I want to apologize.
I'm sorry I insisted
on going ahead
-when we started
getting shelled.
-Oh, that's all right.
You come from a long line
of courageous military people.
Insanity is hereditary.
I suppose I deserve that.
No, you don't.
I was being kind.
I was upset.
I wasn't thinking clearly.
What's eating you, anyway?
What is it, the letter?
-What's in it?
-Never mind!
-[chuckling]
-What are you laughing at?
I just remembered.
You're gonna be sorry
you were mean to me
when you see what I brought.
Probably a bottle of that
liquid rat poison of yours.
Forget it.
Ha-ha on you.
-Japanese scotch.
-Oh.
-So how good could that be?
-How good does it have to be?
Give me the bottle.
Is that cup clean?
It can't be too dirty.
Whatever's in the bottom
is still alive.
Just pass the cup.
[cups clink]
Do you think we'll
ever get out of here?
I was just gonna ask you
the same question.
I don't like the war, you know.
I hate it.
I hate the destruction.
The stupidity of the waste.
The disruption
of personal lives.
-Margaret,
what's in the letter?
-Oh, well!
It probably would, uh,
hand you a laugh, actually.
For instance-- This is only
the beginning.
"My dear Darleen."
-Is that your nickname?
-No.
-Why is he calling you Darleen?
-He's not calling me Darleen.
He put this letter
in the wrong envelope.
"My dear Darleen.
"How long it's been
since we walked together
"on the beach at Oahu.
"I can still see the moonlight
splashing on your shoulders
and hear the gentle whoosh,
whoosh, whoosh of the waves."
His last letter to me dealt
entirely with a self-loading
semiautomatic submachine gun.
My letter went
"clickety, click, click,"
whereas hers goes
"whoosh, whoosh, whoosh."
-And splashing moonlight.
-"I know you've heard
I'm married.
"I'm sure you'd like her.
"She's competent
and a hard worker.
"She'll make an excellent
hostess when we return
to the States.
All in all, a sturdy woman."
-Sturdy!
-Sturdy is nice.
Sturdy can be, uh,
quite, uh...
I mean nothing to him!
If I were a half-ton truck,
he'd be more lyrical about me.
And the worst thing is
this stupid woman with
the ocean whooshing
all over her toes
is this minute
reading the letter
he meant for me.
I'm sorry, Margaret.
You must really hurt.
Hurt?
You know what it feels like
to give your heart to somebody?
To live just for a glimpse
of his handwriting in the mail?
To lose sight of his picture
because you've covered it
with lipstick?
And then to find out
you're sturdy?
And then to have them lob
artillery shells at you, huh?
It's certainly been
an interesting day.
Margaret?
I wish there was something
I could say to ease the pain.
I'm all right.
I've always taken great pride
in the fact that
I can adjust to anything.
Margaret, why don't you
get it out of your system?
I'm fine!
Thanks for the drink.
-You want some more?
-Oh, a sip, maybe.
I'll sleep over there.
Oh, I think I should warn you.
If you come over here
for any reason during
the night, announce yourself.
-I intend to swing this
to kill.
-Good night.
-[shell exploding]
-What? What? What?
-Stop it! Will you stop it?
-Margaret, wait a minute.
We're people! You can't shoot
at us like we're animals!
You want to drive us crazy?
You want us to go insane?
Is that what you want?
-Shut up!
-Why don't you let us have
one hour of sleep in peace?
-[shell explodes]
-[screaming] Stop it! Stop it!
You don't even know whether
we're Americans or Chinese
or Koreans!
-Margaret, come here.
-I'm sorry. I'm afraid.
-Me too. So am I.
-I don't like being afraid.
It scares me.
Me too. I'd feel a lot braver
if I weren't so scared.
-Please hold me.
-I'm holding you.
-I can't feel it.
Hold me. Hold me.
-Margaret, I'm holding you.
-[shell explodes]
-Will you cut it out?
You want to kill us?
[shell explodes]
-For cryin' out loud,
cut it out!
-Stop it! Will you stop it!
-Just leave us alone!
-Will you cut it out!
[shells exploding]
Have you heard anything yet?
I've been ready to pounce
on that telephone
for the past two hours.
-Not a jingle.
-If only we could
get some news.
Any news.
You boys better get
some sleep.
We're gonna miss 'em
in O.R. tomorrow.
I can't sleep.
I keep expecting him
to walk through the door.
I've said an entire novena
in one night.
I guess we'll just
have to wait.
-I'm sure they're all right.
-They must be going through
hell out there.
♪♪ [theme]