M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 6, Episode 10 - The M*A*S*H Olympics - full transcript
The 1952 Olympics in Helsinki, Finland, is big news at the 4077. Donald calls to tell Margaret he will pick her up on the way to their R&R in Manila. BJ and Hawkeye are helping Sgt. Ames, career Army, get into shape and lose weight so he does not lose his job and pension. This gives Klinger the idea to eat his way to Section 8. When an ambulance truck overturns, it takes 4 MPs to set it upright. Potter is disgusted how weak and out-of-shape are his people so he devises the 4077 Olympics. Hawkeye leads the Yellow Blackbirds and BJ leads the Pink Elephants; each member of the winning team gets a 3-day pass. At the Helsinki Olympics, the 26+ mile marathon is won by Chech, Emil Zatopek, in less than 2 1/2 hours, a new world record. In Korea, Mashletes race on crutches and Margaret is the winner for the Pinks. In Helsinki, a Reverend wins the pole vault for the U.S.; in Korea, the Yellows are 2 games ahead. U.S. Horace Ashenfelter of the FBI creates a new world record on the steeplechase at 8:45 and 4/10 seconds. In Korea, the Yellows are 1 game ahead as Donald drives up to camp. The next event is nurse carrying, but the salami backs up on Margaret's horse. Donald ably goads Hawkeye into letting him sub for Klinger; he and Margaret win easily. In Helsinki, 4 U.S. female runners set yet another world record for a team track event. In Korea, the score is tied and the tie-breaker is the obstacle course. It is a "Meatballs" ending for the meatball surgeons and staff as 2 random runners are chosen out of a hat by Father Mulcahy; Rudy the Wabbit emerges victorious! Will the activity be enough for Col. Ames to drop the weight he needs to stay in the Army? It is truly a banner year for the U.S.A.... at least, in Helsinki.
♪♪ [theme]
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
More Olympic results
from Helsinki.
In the men's water polo
competition,
the U.S. splashed
to a fourth-place finish.
I wonder what they give
you for fourth place.
They name you
Miss Congeniality.
Hey, mind if I sit down?
I don't know.
Who's behind that food?
Join us, Ames. Just put
the tray down easy.
Come on, you guys. Lay off.
I got enough troubles
without hearin' from you two.
Care to spill 'em
between bites?
The army's kicking me out.
They say I'm too fat
to be a good soldier.
Maybe they're just
trying to save on food.
I've been in for 15 years.
Now I'm gonna lose my job,
my pension, everything.
Damn Army.
You want your bacon?
I got a great idea:
Don't eat.
Look, I'm too far gone.
I only got 10 days
until my orders come in.
What's the difference if I'm
20 pounds overweight or 30?
Beej, I don't believe Ames
here is familiar with
the amazing Pierce-Hunnicutt
quick-loss plan.
-Huh?
-It's famous.
Simple diet and exercise.
20 pounds in 10 days.
If not completely
satisfied,
your blubber cheerfully
refunded. What do you say?
You know, I'd appreciate
that a whole lot.
Okay. Here's step number 1.
That hurts.
You look
thinner already.
Hey, you're in luck.
No one's touched
the chipped beef.
Here. Eat it before it
curls my nose hairs.
-Ah-ah-ah.
-Ah-ah.
-Take it away, Klinger.
-Sarge!
How can you resist
that rich, gray slop?
I have to lose weight
or be thrown
out of the army.
Wait a minute.
They can discharge you
for being fat?
B.J.: Yeah.
Let me at it!
Let me at it!
Ha ha ha!
You're a lucky dog,
Penobscott.
Manila's a swell spot for R&R.
When you get there,
first place you wanna go--
What?
Okay. I'll tell her.
Ha ha! Adios.
Colonel, I understand there is
a phone call from my husband.
Make that a "was," Major.
Penobscott couldn't
wait all day.
Oh, rats! Did he
leave a message?
He says he wants
to spend as much R&R
with you as he can.
That's why he'll be here
Friday to pick you up.
Donald's coming here?
Oh, don't worry.
We'll dust.
Oh, that big,
thoughtful hunk of bear!
Well put.
Now, listen, Major.
When you get to Manila,
first place you wanna go--
Oh, thank you, Colonel.
Thank you so much.
First place you wanna go
is the Blue Machete Cafe.
You'll love it, Major.
Around post-op
to the nurses' quarters,
past the mess tent.
Pass the mess tent,
not through the mess tent.
-Ready?
-Ready.
-Ready.
-Go!
Keep your knees up!
How can a guy
eat that much?
He should be transferred
to the nearest famine.
You know we're
wasting our time here?
We could be in Helsinki
training track stars
and chasing Viking women.
Hmm. Speaking of which,
Father Mulcahy gave me
great odds on Zatopek
in the marathon.
You bet on Zatopek?
Of course. He's already
won two long races.
That's what I mean.
He's all tired out.
Now he's
gotta run a marathon.
40 miles and no restrooms.
Ha! Hawkeye, what you
know about sports
would fit on the tip
of a javelin.
Oh, yeah? What makes you
such an expert?
My two varsity letters.
Ha ha ha! Two letters
and a scholarship.
You? An athletic scholarship?
That's right. The coach's
daughter paid me
to leave her alone.
[panting]
Can't go no more.
You're doin' great,
champ. Lookin' good.
Thank you, sir.
You know, we're making
tremendous progress here.
Colonel, I'd like
to speak to you.
Whew! Klinger,
what is that?
A pungent yet satisfying
delicacy of my native land.
You want a hunk?
Eh! Right shoulder arms
with that.
All right, whistle beak.
Lay it out for me, extra quick.
60 more pounds,
and I'm homeward bound.
You're gonna eat
your way to a discharge.
I call it
food for freedom.
I call it suicide by salami.
I'll take my chances.
Okay. When you can't get
through that door, come see me.
I'll be wearing a size 30.
Colonel, an ambulance has
turned over in the compound.
-You better come
on the double.
-Anybody hurt?
The driver was a bit shaken up,
but he'll be all right.
-No one else inside?
-No.
-Thank God.
-I already did.
All right, buffalo breath.
Let's move.
Keep that thing down wind.
Oh, boy. When are these
drivers gonna learn
this isn't the Indy 500?
Well, it looks like we got
enough bodies here.
Let's get this horse
on his feet.
Sir! Can I go slip into
something more comfortable?
Move one step, and you'll
need that salami for a cane.
Go ahead, Margaret.
You push. I'll grunt.
Wimp!
On the count of 3,
we heave.
I may heave on 2.
Pierce, there's
a space over here.
What's wrong with you,
sad sack?
Oh, well, Colonel,
it's, uh, my hands.
Um, I can't afford to,
uh, catch them on anything.
Get in there before we
use you as a crowbar.
MULCAHY: I'll get over
here by the cross.
POTTER:
Okay, let's go.
Uno, dos, tres,heave!
[all groaning]
All right. This time,
let's mean it. Ready?
-Heave!
-[groaning]
Klinger, your heart
isn't in this.
No, but his breath sure is.
-Wait till I catch
my second wind, sir.
-Oh, please.
My hamstrings are playing
"I Surrender, Dear."
We've got enough people here.
We should be able to toss
this wagon around
like a volleyball.
Colonel, it's too heavy.
Cow cookies! This group
is limp as a noodle.
Your wonton is wilted.
Need some help, Colonel?
Sure do. We just ran out
of muscle. Join the party.
Just over
at Rosie's bar.
We heard you had
some trouble.
Uh, you folks can stand aside.
We'll handle this.
Just the four of you?
Well, actually, it's,
um, more than we need.
Sure you don't
wanna warm up?
Maybe
flip over a jeep?
Too heavy, huh?
It's all done
with mirrors.
POTTER:
Thanks, boys.
Next time, call us.
Don't hurt yourselves.
Why don't we go
to the mess tent?
-They're serving humble pie.
-[Margaret laughs]
POTTER: Hold it.
We're not finished yet.
You people
are in sorry shape.
This is a mobile hospital.
If we ever have
to bug out,
you won't be able
to lift a tent pole.
I'm a surgeon. I'm not
a circus roustabout.
You're a clown.
-You're a buffoon.
-Bozo.
Bottle it. Starting
tomorrow at 0700,
all personnel will fall out
for daily calisthenics.
-Oh, Colonel!
-Oh, no!
Pierce and Hunnicutt,
you're doing it for Ames.
You can do it for everybody.
You've just picked up a whole
new bunch of volunteers.
Dismissed.
Stupid M.P.s.
Five or six more tries,
we would've had it.
-Hut, two, three, four.
-One.
-Hut, two, three, four.
-Two.
Hut, two-- Hold--
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
-You in the woodwind section.
-Brass.
Why aren't you
playing toe touchies?
Gentlemen, we're all just
fooling ourselves here.
Isn't that what
the army's all about?
Morning exercise
is futile at best.
When one arises,
the body is more subject
to postural hypotension.
-You tell 'em, Doc!
-[muttering]
Blood flows away
from the brain,
and blacking out becomes
a distinct possibility.
Well, what it all boils
down to, gentlemen,
is that you're not getting
one toe touchie out of me.
-KLINGER: I second that!
-[murmuring]
Uh, Charles, could we have
a word with you, please?
Briefly.
See, we'd like to get
this over with,
so we'd kind of like
your cooperation.
[chuckling]
And if we don't get it,
we're gonna
wash our dirty socks
in your Chateauneuf du Pape.
You wouldn't!
And rinse them
in your Earl Gray Tea.
You would.
On the other hand,
circulatory stress does aid
in the prevention
of arterial sclerosis,
and I'm certainly
all for that.
-[all groaning]
-So hands on hips, please.
B.J.: Mm-hmm. Let's try
some jumping jacks.
Ah!
For those of you who are
eating breakfast,
leave out
the jumping part.
Ready? Begin.
One, two--
Before I strain anything,
before Donald gets here,
I'll kill Colonel Potter.
One, two, one, two.
[groaning]
Was it something
I said?
POTTER [on P.A.]:
Ten hut, all you mopes.
This is your C.O.,
the guy who set up
this little wingding.
Remember me?
Couldn't help but
notice that some of you
are less than delighted
with the program.
Well, we're gonna
straighten that out.
Those of you who still
have the energy
will report to
the mess tent right now.
Those of you who don't
have the energy
will report
three minutes earlier.
Same to you.
Sir, do anything,
but don't yell.
Quiet!
When I give an order,
I expect it to be carried out.
This camp will exercise,
and it will get in shape.
You can bet your
chubby cabooses on that.
However, I do realize
that standing in line
flapping your wings
can get a little boring.
From the first flap.
So, in my usual,
quiet, effective way,
I've come up with a little plan
to alleviate that problem.
We've all been following
the Olympics pretty closely.
We'd all like to be there.
Or anywhere else,
for that matter.
But since we can't,
we're going to hold our own
little Olympics right here.
Give 'em Helsinki,
Colonel.
We'll divide up
into two teams,
come up with our own events,
and compete
against each other.
Brilliant, huh? Hmm?
Brilliant, Colonel,
but not too well received.
I just know I'm not gonna have
anything left for Donald.
Oh, did I forget to mention
the little incentive?
Each member
of the winning team
-gets three days' R&R.
-[all exclaiming]
-I for one will give 150%!
-Always helps to sweeten
the pot.
Pierce, Hunnicut,
you mind going up against
each other as team captains?
What do you say, powder puff?
Well, it'll prove who's
the fairest in the land.
Where do Well, pick up
our whistles, Colonel?
Good. The three of us will
meet later in my office,
go over the ground rules.
The games start tomorrow
at 0800.
And may the best team win.
Actually,
it's better team, Colonel.
Dismissed!
Next to a good mass,
there's nothing more stirring
than the Olympics.
Oh, yes, the Olympics.
where every four years,
people from all nations
gather together to sweat.
You're in for a beating.
-Wanna bet?
-Money?
What's money?
I want respect.
-What do you got in mind?
-Nothing fancy.
I'd like to sit on a throne
and have you cower at my feet.
I'm a little short of thrones.
How about a wheelchair?
Okay. The loser has
to push the winner
around in a wheelchair.
-For a week.
-Shake.
If you can stand my grip.
Let the games begin.
-[chuckles]
-Don't do that!
♪♪ [marching band]
ANNOUNCER: The mast
colors of 67 countries
and their legions of athletes
stand as symbolic pigeons
are released
awaiting the arrival of
the sun-kindled Olympic flame.
The legendary Paavo Nurmi
is anchorman
in the historic relay
from Greece to Finland,
receiving an ovation as he
lights the stadium torch.
♪♪ [ends]
[all groaning]
[cheering]
Water!
Water to put it out!
Somebody get some water!
Now the start
of the marathon,
which is to see a great
runner in action--
Emil Zatopek
of Czechoslovakia.
Number 903 is Zatopek.
These distance demons
are challenging
the marathon course
which stretches over
26 miles, 385 yards.
The struggle is
too much for some,
as exhaustion
takes its toll,
but the remarkable Zatopek
runs the classic marathon
in two hours, 23 minutes,
three and 2/10 seconds,
for a new Olympic record.
♪♪
Take your positions
for the crutch race.
Fifty of the most grueling
yards you'll ever see.
It takes stamina, balance,
a good sense of direction,
and strong armpits.
No starts till you hear
the sound of the gun.
I want a good, clean race.
I know how sneaky
you people are,
so I'll be watching carefully.
Remember, no jabbing,
tripping, or blocking.
Well, there goes
our game plan.
If God had intended man
to be in a crutch race,
He would have given him
two broken legs.
Just stay out of my way,
lard hips.
On your crutches. Get set.
♪♪
-MULCAHEY: Go yellow!
-Oof!
-Aah!
-Ames, I'm getting up.
You did that deliberately!
If you can't jump over
a crutch, you're no athlete!
-Now I'm mad!
-Ooh!
[laughing]
You! You!
[cheering]
I won! I won, I won, I won!
I won, I won--
In the pole vault,
Don Laz of the United States
charges toward the bar,
up and over,
to capture second.
Here's the Reverend
Bob Richards,
mainstay of the United
States pole vaulting entry,
in a study of
his winning jump.
Without the pole, he still
jumps, this time for joy.
All right, all right.
I know.
I know we've lost
the last two events,
but that's only
a temporary setback.
I have every reason
to believe
we're gonna go out there
and win this thing!
All right.
I'm with you, Captain.
Margaret, you wanted
to say a few words?
Yes, thank you, Captain.
You people stink!
You're slow! You're lazy!
You have no spirit!
Do B.J. and I have to carry
this whole crummy team?
Now I want you to get
out there and fight!
Fight, fight, fight!
Let's take it to them!
Let's cut out their hearts!
Let's win!
Thank you, Captain.
65,000 Olympic Games observers
at Helsinki are treated
to new athletic thrills
as the watch the running
of the exciting
3,000-meter steeplechase.
This grueling event,
the equivalent of one
and 8/10ths miles,
puts a premium on alertness
as well as versatility
and skill.
America's Horace Ashenfelter
and Russia's Vladimir Kazantsev
are neck and neck
in a pulsating duel,
and Ashenfelter overcomes
the final hurdle to pull away.
F.B.I. man Horace Ashenfelter
hits the tape first
in the fastest 3,000-meter
steeplechase ever run--
8.45 and 4/10ths seconds.
POTTER: The object is
to stay up in the saddle.
-KLINGER: Uh-huh.
-It's not far, only 50 yards,
but it's tough when
you're bouncing around.
Now, you ladies
will ride like this.
[women laugh]
Select your partners.
Post time in five minutes.
-MAN: Okay.
-Take it down easy, Dobbin.
Hey, you're lookin' thinner.
Lieutenant Colonel!
Darling!
Colonel!
[laughing] Whoo!
Hi, honey.
Pull her into the garage.
Dinner's on the table.
Have a nice day at the war?
[squealing]
Look who's here!
-Colonel Potter.
-Colonel, how are you?
How you doin'?
Good to see you all again.
Slice of heaven
for us too.
So this is Lieutenant
Colonel Penobscott.
Oh, yes! Oh, you two
haven't met yet.
Donald Penobscott,
meet Daddy Warbucks.
This is our new surgeon--
Major Charles
Emerson Winchester.
Pleasure to meet you,
Charlie.
I've heard a lot
about you, Donny.
Penobscott,
you're just in time
to catch the last two events
of our gala 4077th Olympics.
So far, your little
missus there
has been quite a standout.
-[laughing]
-What's this? What's this?
Oh, Donald,
we can't leave yet
because if
our team wins,
we get three extra
days of R&R.
-Three extra days?
-Yes.
We could even get
out of the hotel.
Yes. Ha ha.
We can discuss
the itinerary later.
Okay. Let's get
this show on the road.
You're my strength, Donald.
-Give 'em hell, army.
-Raah!
Grrr!
Nurses,
take your stations.
Come on, Klinger.
You gotta carry me.
I can't make it, Major.
If they told me
I was going home today,
I couldn't lift my bag.
All right. Get up.
I'll carry you.
-Oh, no!
-I can do it.
-Come on. I'll help you.
-[moaning]
It's the salami,
isn't it, son?
All ten of them, sir.
Dismissed.
Oh, thank you, sir, from
the bottom of my belly.
What am I supposed to do?
I guess you'll just
have to sit this one out.
-Captain Pink!
-Uh, oh, Colonel?
There's a little boy
over there
who looks like
he wants to play.
Of course! Donald!
Colonel Penobscott,
I need your broad shoulders.
Stop! Hold it, time out,
and just a doggone second!
Darling, you're
gonna be my partner
in the nurse carry.
-I am?
-Yes!
Colonel, this is
the 4077th Olympics.
Gorgeous George is just
an out-of-town relative.
Objection sustained.
The purpose of this is
to build up our own people.
Thank you, Your Honor.
There'll be a little
something
-for you in your chambers later.
-Colonel, that's not fair!
DONALD: No, dear,
the Colonel's right.
These are your games.
And anyway, with my
athletic ability,
Pierce's side
wouldn't stand a chance.
What-- Wait a second.
Now wait a minute.
What do you mean,
wouldn't stand a chance?
Well, I didn't mean it
exactly like that.
I'm sure it would be,
uh, competitive.
You bet your brass.
Of course, a guy
who was All-American
in track and wrestling
at West Point
doesn't often lose
to a bunch of army doctors.
Just a second, jocko!
Would you like to put your
muscle where your mouth is?
As a matter of fact,
I'd really like that.
-Pick up your wife, cadet.
-Ha ha!
Well, I guess
you're in it, Colonel.
-Ha ha ha!
-Everyone up and at 'em.
-Here we go!
-Whoop!
MARGARET: Whaah!
POTTER:
Ready? Get set.
[grunting]
♪♪
[shouting, whooping]
Back up! Back up!
Mae Faggs, Barbara Jones,
Janet Moreau,
and Catherine Hardy
race Uncle Sam to victory
in 45 and 9/10ths seconds--
a new world
and Olympic record.
Great goin', gals.
We're proud of you all.
All right. Here's how
we're gonna break this tie.
We will chose one name
from each team at random,
and those two will run
the dreaded obstacle course.
And the lucky
participants are...
For the Pink Elephants,
Lieutenant Colonel
Penobscott.
[cheering]
And for the Yellow
Blackbirds...
Sergeant Ames.
[laughter]
Bye-bye, Blackbird.
Boy, you are gonna
lose so big! Ha ha!
POTTER:
The dreaded obstacle course.
First man to make it
through alive wins.
Take it easy on those tires.
We need 'em for the jeeps.
Don't worry about him.
Those muscles are rented.
For all the marbles.
On your mark, get set...
-[pistol fires]
-[cheering]
Go, baby!
Keep going, you big turkey!
Go! Go! Keep moving!
[shouting]
-Hey, Colonel!
-Save your breath!
Margaret, we still have
seven whole days.
If you hadn't been showing off,
we could've had 10 whole days!
You can't go on
like this
just because I lost
a doggone race.
A race? A race?
That wasn't just a race!
That was the Olympics!
All right! Fine!
Stay here with the winner.
I'm goin' to Manila.
[engine stalling]
What are you doin'?
-What are you doin'?
-Just move over!
If we're gonna go,
we might as well get there.
Come on, Margaret.
It's only a race.
At the 1952 Olympics end,
the U.S.A. rules the sports
realm.
The Olympic flame will burn
again four years hence
when, with God's help,
the nations of the world
will compete again on the
peaceful field of sports.
-Great to be in shape,
huh, Father?
-Oh, never felt better.
[Mulcahy groaning]
Wheel me up to
the chopper pad, Hives.
I want to look down
upon my kingdom.
I'm so happy you're
not taking advantage.
You're lucky I don't
want to go to Seoul.
Hawkeye! B.J.!
We did it!
They just weighed me, and I
made it by three whole ounces.
That's a load off my mind.
You're back in the army.
My condolences.
I owe it all to you two.
Don't blame us.
You did all the work.
Here, you deserve this
more than I do, Ames.
-Have a seat.
-No, no. Sit down.
Come on. I'm gonna
push ya. Come on.
All right.
Where to, Sergeant?
Where else? The mess tent.
We gotta celebrate.
♪♪ [theme]
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
More Olympic results
from Helsinki.
In the men's water polo
competition,
the U.S. splashed
to a fourth-place finish.
I wonder what they give
you for fourth place.
They name you
Miss Congeniality.
Hey, mind if I sit down?
I don't know.
Who's behind that food?
Join us, Ames. Just put
the tray down easy.
Come on, you guys. Lay off.
I got enough troubles
without hearin' from you two.
Care to spill 'em
between bites?
The army's kicking me out.
They say I'm too fat
to be a good soldier.
Maybe they're just
trying to save on food.
I've been in for 15 years.
Now I'm gonna lose my job,
my pension, everything.
Damn Army.
You want your bacon?
I got a great idea:
Don't eat.
Look, I'm too far gone.
I only got 10 days
until my orders come in.
What's the difference if I'm
20 pounds overweight or 30?
Beej, I don't believe Ames
here is familiar with
the amazing Pierce-Hunnicutt
quick-loss plan.
-Huh?
-It's famous.
Simple diet and exercise.
20 pounds in 10 days.
If not completely
satisfied,
your blubber cheerfully
refunded. What do you say?
You know, I'd appreciate
that a whole lot.
Okay. Here's step number 1.
That hurts.
You look
thinner already.
Hey, you're in luck.
No one's touched
the chipped beef.
Here. Eat it before it
curls my nose hairs.
-Ah-ah-ah.
-Ah-ah.
-Take it away, Klinger.
-Sarge!
How can you resist
that rich, gray slop?
I have to lose weight
or be thrown
out of the army.
Wait a minute.
They can discharge you
for being fat?
B.J.: Yeah.
Let me at it!
Let me at it!
Ha ha ha!
You're a lucky dog,
Penobscott.
Manila's a swell spot for R&R.
When you get there,
first place you wanna go--
What?
Okay. I'll tell her.
Ha ha! Adios.
Colonel, I understand there is
a phone call from my husband.
Make that a "was," Major.
Penobscott couldn't
wait all day.
Oh, rats! Did he
leave a message?
He says he wants
to spend as much R&R
with you as he can.
That's why he'll be here
Friday to pick you up.
Donald's coming here?
Oh, don't worry.
We'll dust.
Oh, that big,
thoughtful hunk of bear!
Well put.
Now, listen, Major.
When you get to Manila,
first place you wanna go--
Oh, thank you, Colonel.
Thank you so much.
First place you wanna go
is the Blue Machete Cafe.
You'll love it, Major.
Around post-op
to the nurses' quarters,
past the mess tent.
Pass the mess tent,
not through the mess tent.
-Ready?
-Ready.
-Ready.
-Go!
Keep your knees up!
How can a guy
eat that much?
He should be transferred
to the nearest famine.
You know we're
wasting our time here?
We could be in Helsinki
training track stars
and chasing Viking women.
Hmm. Speaking of which,
Father Mulcahy gave me
great odds on Zatopek
in the marathon.
You bet on Zatopek?
Of course. He's already
won two long races.
That's what I mean.
He's all tired out.
Now he's
gotta run a marathon.
40 miles and no restrooms.
Ha! Hawkeye, what you
know about sports
would fit on the tip
of a javelin.
Oh, yeah? What makes you
such an expert?
My two varsity letters.
Ha ha ha! Two letters
and a scholarship.
You? An athletic scholarship?
That's right. The coach's
daughter paid me
to leave her alone.
[panting]
Can't go no more.
You're doin' great,
champ. Lookin' good.
Thank you, sir.
You know, we're making
tremendous progress here.
Colonel, I'd like
to speak to you.
Whew! Klinger,
what is that?
A pungent yet satisfying
delicacy of my native land.
You want a hunk?
Eh! Right shoulder arms
with that.
All right, whistle beak.
Lay it out for me, extra quick.
60 more pounds,
and I'm homeward bound.
You're gonna eat
your way to a discharge.
I call it
food for freedom.
I call it suicide by salami.
I'll take my chances.
Okay. When you can't get
through that door, come see me.
I'll be wearing a size 30.
Colonel, an ambulance has
turned over in the compound.
-You better come
on the double.
-Anybody hurt?
The driver was a bit shaken up,
but he'll be all right.
-No one else inside?
-No.
-Thank God.
-I already did.
All right, buffalo breath.
Let's move.
Keep that thing down wind.
Oh, boy. When are these
drivers gonna learn
this isn't the Indy 500?
Well, it looks like we got
enough bodies here.
Let's get this horse
on his feet.
Sir! Can I go slip into
something more comfortable?
Move one step, and you'll
need that salami for a cane.
Go ahead, Margaret.
You push. I'll grunt.
Wimp!
On the count of 3,
we heave.
I may heave on 2.
Pierce, there's
a space over here.
What's wrong with you,
sad sack?
Oh, well, Colonel,
it's, uh, my hands.
Um, I can't afford to,
uh, catch them on anything.
Get in there before we
use you as a crowbar.
MULCAHY: I'll get over
here by the cross.
POTTER:
Okay, let's go.
Uno, dos, tres,heave!
[all groaning]
All right. This time,
let's mean it. Ready?
-Heave!
-[groaning]
Klinger, your heart
isn't in this.
No, but his breath sure is.
-Wait till I catch
my second wind, sir.
-Oh, please.
My hamstrings are playing
"I Surrender, Dear."
We've got enough people here.
We should be able to toss
this wagon around
like a volleyball.
Colonel, it's too heavy.
Cow cookies! This group
is limp as a noodle.
Your wonton is wilted.
Need some help, Colonel?
Sure do. We just ran out
of muscle. Join the party.
Just over
at Rosie's bar.
We heard you had
some trouble.
Uh, you folks can stand aside.
We'll handle this.
Just the four of you?
Well, actually, it's,
um, more than we need.
Sure you don't
wanna warm up?
Maybe
flip over a jeep?
Too heavy, huh?
It's all done
with mirrors.
POTTER:
Thanks, boys.
Next time, call us.
Don't hurt yourselves.
Why don't we go
to the mess tent?
-They're serving humble pie.
-[Margaret laughs]
POTTER: Hold it.
We're not finished yet.
You people
are in sorry shape.
This is a mobile hospital.
If we ever have
to bug out,
you won't be able
to lift a tent pole.
I'm a surgeon. I'm not
a circus roustabout.
You're a clown.
-You're a buffoon.
-Bozo.
Bottle it. Starting
tomorrow at 0700,
all personnel will fall out
for daily calisthenics.
-Oh, Colonel!
-Oh, no!
Pierce and Hunnicutt,
you're doing it for Ames.
You can do it for everybody.
You've just picked up a whole
new bunch of volunteers.
Dismissed.
Stupid M.P.s.
Five or six more tries,
we would've had it.
-Hut, two, three, four.
-One.
-Hut, two, three, four.
-Two.
Hut, two-- Hold--
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
-You in the woodwind section.
-Brass.
Why aren't you
playing toe touchies?
Gentlemen, we're all just
fooling ourselves here.
Isn't that what
the army's all about?
Morning exercise
is futile at best.
When one arises,
the body is more subject
to postural hypotension.
-You tell 'em, Doc!
-[muttering]
Blood flows away
from the brain,
and blacking out becomes
a distinct possibility.
Well, what it all boils
down to, gentlemen,
is that you're not getting
one toe touchie out of me.
-KLINGER: I second that!
-[murmuring]
Uh, Charles, could we have
a word with you, please?
Briefly.
See, we'd like to get
this over with,
so we'd kind of like
your cooperation.
[chuckling]
And if we don't get it,
we're gonna
wash our dirty socks
in your Chateauneuf du Pape.
You wouldn't!
And rinse them
in your Earl Gray Tea.
You would.
On the other hand,
circulatory stress does aid
in the prevention
of arterial sclerosis,
and I'm certainly
all for that.
-[all groaning]
-So hands on hips, please.
B.J.: Mm-hmm. Let's try
some jumping jacks.
Ah!
For those of you who are
eating breakfast,
leave out
the jumping part.
Ready? Begin.
One, two--
Before I strain anything,
before Donald gets here,
I'll kill Colonel Potter.
One, two, one, two.
[groaning]
Was it something
I said?
POTTER [on P.A.]:
Ten hut, all you mopes.
This is your C.O.,
the guy who set up
this little wingding.
Remember me?
Couldn't help but
notice that some of you
are less than delighted
with the program.
Well, we're gonna
straighten that out.
Those of you who still
have the energy
will report to
the mess tent right now.
Those of you who don't
have the energy
will report
three minutes earlier.
Same to you.
Sir, do anything,
but don't yell.
Quiet!
When I give an order,
I expect it to be carried out.
This camp will exercise,
and it will get in shape.
You can bet your
chubby cabooses on that.
However, I do realize
that standing in line
flapping your wings
can get a little boring.
From the first flap.
So, in my usual,
quiet, effective way,
I've come up with a little plan
to alleviate that problem.
We've all been following
the Olympics pretty closely.
We'd all like to be there.
Or anywhere else,
for that matter.
But since we can't,
we're going to hold our own
little Olympics right here.
Give 'em Helsinki,
Colonel.
We'll divide up
into two teams,
come up with our own events,
and compete
against each other.
Brilliant, huh? Hmm?
Brilliant, Colonel,
but not too well received.
I just know I'm not gonna have
anything left for Donald.
Oh, did I forget to mention
the little incentive?
Each member
of the winning team
-gets three days' R&R.
-[all exclaiming]
-I for one will give 150%!
-Always helps to sweeten
the pot.
Pierce, Hunnicut,
you mind going up against
each other as team captains?
What do you say, powder puff?
Well, it'll prove who's
the fairest in the land.
Where do Well, pick up
our whistles, Colonel?
Good. The three of us will
meet later in my office,
go over the ground rules.
The games start tomorrow
at 0800.
And may the best team win.
Actually,
it's better team, Colonel.
Dismissed!
Next to a good mass,
there's nothing more stirring
than the Olympics.
Oh, yes, the Olympics.
where every four years,
people from all nations
gather together to sweat.
You're in for a beating.
-Wanna bet?
-Money?
What's money?
I want respect.
-What do you got in mind?
-Nothing fancy.
I'd like to sit on a throne
and have you cower at my feet.
I'm a little short of thrones.
How about a wheelchair?
Okay. The loser has
to push the winner
around in a wheelchair.
-For a week.
-Shake.
If you can stand my grip.
Let the games begin.
-[chuckles]
-Don't do that!
♪♪ [marching band]
ANNOUNCER: The mast
colors of 67 countries
and their legions of athletes
stand as symbolic pigeons
are released
awaiting the arrival of
the sun-kindled Olympic flame.
The legendary Paavo Nurmi
is anchorman
in the historic relay
from Greece to Finland,
receiving an ovation as he
lights the stadium torch.
♪♪ [ends]
[all groaning]
[cheering]
Water!
Water to put it out!
Somebody get some water!
Now the start
of the marathon,
which is to see a great
runner in action--
Emil Zatopek
of Czechoslovakia.
Number 903 is Zatopek.
These distance demons
are challenging
the marathon course
which stretches over
26 miles, 385 yards.
The struggle is
too much for some,
as exhaustion
takes its toll,
but the remarkable Zatopek
runs the classic marathon
in two hours, 23 minutes,
three and 2/10 seconds,
for a new Olympic record.
♪♪
Take your positions
for the crutch race.
Fifty of the most grueling
yards you'll ever see.
It takes stamina, balance,
a good sense of direction,
and strong armpits.
No starts till you hear
the sound of the gun.
I want a good, clean race.
I know how sneaky
you people are,
so I'll be watching carefully.
Remember, no jabbing,
tripping, or blocking.
Well, there goes
our game plan.
If God had intended man
to be in a crutch race,
He would have given him
two broken legs.
Just stay out of my way,
lard hips.
On your crutches. Get set.
♪♪
-MULCAHEY: Go yellow!
-Oof!
-Aah!
-Ames, I'm getting up.
You did that deliberately!
If you can't jump over
a crutch, you're no athlete!
-Now I'm mad!
-Ooh!
[laughing]
You! You!
[cheering]
I won! I won, I won, I won!
I won, I won--
In the pole vault,
Don Laz of the United States
charges toward the bar,
up and over,
to capture second.
Here's the Reverend
Bob Richards,
mainstay of the United
States pole vaulting entry,
in a study of
his winning jump.
Without the pole, he still
jumps, this time for joy.
All right, all right.
I know.
I know we've lost
the last two events,
but that's only
a temporary setback.
I have every reason
to believe
we're gonna go out there
and win this thing!
All right.
I'm with you, Captain.
Margaret, you wanted
to say a few words?
Yes, thank you, Captain.
You people stink!
You're slow! You're lazy!
You have no spirit!
Do B.J. and I have to carry
this whole crummy team?
Now I want you to get
out there and fight!
Fight, fight, fight!
Let's take it to them!
Let's cut out their hearts!
Let's win!
Thank you, Captain.
65,000 Olympic Games observers
at Helsinki are treated
to new athletic thrills
as the watch the running
of the exciting
3,000-meter steeplechase.
This grueling event,
the equivalent of one
and 8/10ths miles,
puts a premium on alertness
as well as versatility
and skill.
America's Horace Ashenfelter
and Russia's Vladimir Kazantsev
are neck and neck
in a pulsating duel,
and Ashenfelter overcomes
the final hurdle to pull away.
F.B.I. man Horace Ashenfelter
hits the tape first
in the fastest 3,000-meter
steeplechase ever run--
8.45 and 4/10ths seconds.
POTTER: The object is
to stay up in the saddle.
-KLINGER: Uh-huh.
-It's not far, only 50 yards,
but it's tough when
you're bouncing around.
Now, you ladies
will ride like this.
[women laugh]
Select your partners.
Post time in five minutes.
-MAN: Okay.
-Take it down easy, Dobbin.
Hey, you're lookin' thinner.
Lieutenant Colonel!
Darling!
Colonel!
[laughing] Whoo!
Hi, honey.
Pull her into the garage.
Dinner's on the table.
Have a nice day at the war?
[squealing]
Look who's here!
-Colonel Potter.
-Colonel, how are you?
How you doin'?
Good to see you all again.
Slice of heaven
for us too.
So this is Lieutenant
Colonel Penobscott.
Oh, yes! Oh, you two
haven't met yet.
Donald Penobscott,
meet Daddy Warbucks.
This is our new surgeon--
Major Charles
Emerson Winchester.
Pleasure to meet you,
Charlie.
I've heard a lot
about you, Donny.
Penobscott,
you're just in time
to catch the last two events
of our gala 4077th Olympics.
So far, your little
missus there
has been quite a standout.
-[laughing]
-What's this? What's this?
Oh, Donald,
we can't leave yet
because if
our team wins,
we get three extra
days of R&R.
-Three extra days?
-Yes.
We could even get
out of the hotel.
Yes. Ha ha.
We can discuss
the itinerary later.
Okay. Let's get
this show on the road.
You're my strength, Donald.
-Give 'em hell, army.
-Raah!
Grrr!
Nurses,
take your stations.
Come on, Klinger.
You gotta carry me.
I can't make it, Major.
If they told me
I was going home today,
I couldn't lift my bag.
All right. Get up.
I'll carry you.
-Oh, no!
-I can do it.
-Come on. I'll help you.
-[moaning]
It's the salami,
isn't it, son?
All ten of them, sir.
Dismissed.
Oh, thank you, sir, from
the bottom of my belly.
What am I supposed to do?
I guess you'll just
have to sit this one out.
-Captain Pink!
-Uh, oh, Colonel?
There's a little boy
over there
who looks like
he wants to play.
Of course! Donald!
Colonel Penobscott,
I need your broad shoulders.
Stop! Hold it, time out,
and just a doggone second!
Darling, you're
gonna be my partner
in the nurse carry.
-I am?
-Yes!
Colonel, this is
the 4077th Olympics.
Gorgeous George is just
an out-of-town relative.
Objection sustained.
The purpose of this is
to build up our own people.
Thank you, Your Honor.
There'll be a little
something
-for you in your chambers later.
-Colonel, that's not fair!
DONALD: No, dear,
the Colonel's right.
These are your games.
And anyway, with my
athletic ability,
Pierce's side
wouldn't stand a chance.
What-- Wait a second.
Now wait a minute.
What do you mean,
wouldn't stand a chance?
Well, I didn't mean it
exactly like that.
I'm sure it would be,
uh, competitive.
You bet your brass.
Of course, a guy
who was All-American
in track and wrestling
at West Point
doesn't often lose
to a bunch of army doctors.
Just a second, jocko!
Would you like to put your
muscle where your mouth is?
As a matter of fact,
I'd really like that.
-Pick up your wife, cadet.
-Ha ha!
Well, I guess
you're in it, Colonel.
-Ha ha ha!
-Everyone up and at 'em.
-Here we go!
-Whoop!
MARGARET: Whaah!
POTTER:
Ready? Get set.
[grunting]
♪♪
[shouting, whooping]
Back up! Back up!
Mae Faggs, Barbara Jones,
Janet Moreau,
and Catherine Hardy
race Uncle Sam to victory
in 45 and 9/10ths seconds--
a new world
and Olympic record.
Great goin', gals.
We're proud of you all.
All right. Here's how
we're gonna break this tie.
We will chose one name
from each team at random,
and those two will run
the dreaded obstacle course.
And the lucky
participants are...
For the Pink Elephants,
Lieutenant Colonel
Penobscott.
[cheering]
And for the Yellow
Blackbirds...
Sergeant Ames.
[laughter]
Bye-bye, Blackbird.
Boy, you are gonna
lose so big! Ha ha!
POTTER:
The dreaded obstacle course.
First man to make it
through alive wins.
Take it easy on those tires.
We need 'em for the jeeps.
Don't worry about him.
Those muscles are rented.
For all the marbles.
On your mark, get set...
-[pistol fires]
-[cheering]
Go, baby!
Keep going, you big turkey!
Go! Go! Keep moving!
[shouting]
-Hey, Colonel!
-Save your breath!
Margaret, we still have
seven whole days.
If you hadn't been showing off,
we could've had 10 whole days!
You can't go on
like this
just because I lost
a doggone race.
A race? A race?
That wasn't just a race!
That was the Olympics!
All right! Fine!
Stay here with the winner.
I'm goin' to Manila.
[engine stalling]
What are you doin'?
-What are you doin'?
-Just move over!
If we're gonna go,
we might as well get there.
Come on, Margaret.
It's only a race.
At the 1952 Olympics end,
the U.S.A. rules the sports
realm.
The Olympic flame will burn
again four years hence
when, with God's help,
the nations of the world
will compete again on the
peaceful field of sports.
-Great to be in shape,
huh, Father?
-Oh, never felt better.
[Mulcahy groaning]
Wheel me up to
the chopper pad, Hives.
I want to look down
upon my kingdom.
I'm so happy you're
not taking advantage.
You're lucky I don't
want to go to Seoul.
Hawkeye! B.J.!
We did it!
They just weighed me, and I
made it by three whole ounces.
That's a load off my mind.
You're back in the army.
My condolences.
I owe it all to you two.
Don't blame us.
You did all the work.
Here, you deserve this
more than I do, Ames.
-Have a seat.
-No, no. Sit down.
Come on. I'm gonna
push ya. Come on.
All right.
Where to, Sergeant?
Where else? The mess tent.
We gotta celebrate.
♪♪ [theme]