M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 5, Episode 24 - Margaret's Marriage - full transcript

[theme music playing]

Eight months is a long timeto be engaged, Major Houlihan.

HAWKEYE:Pickups without teeth.

It's hardly your
affair, Major Burns.

An affair is an affairis an affair.

Who wrote that, Hawk?

Gertrude Steinto Alice B. Toklas

on a piece ofbrown paper bag.

I understand they
were very close.

Oh, yes.

They wrote together,traveled together,



and gave each otherGerman haircuts.

That's two piecesof shrapnel.

Personally, I think
your Colonel Penobscott's

full of banana oil.

Not intending
to pry, Major,

but has your wedding
date been set?

Not yet, Father.

No ring.
No wedding date.

Uh, I think it's, uh,"Thanks for the buggy ride."

Burns, why don't you getoff Major Houlihan's back?

More sponges.

Oh, I'm sure
Major Houlihan's
Colonel is sincere.

-Oh, for God's sake!-That's what I had in mind.

Frank, do I heara little wave of jealousy



-drifting through O.R.?
-Jealous?

How could I be jealous?
I'm a married man.

-MAN: Hah!
-I heard that "Hah."

Will someone please
change the subject?

Why, did it wet itself?

I read that
a Japanese businessman,

while playing golf
in a rainstorm,

was struck by
lightning in his zipper.

Shocking.

Medically speaking,
he had his zip zapped.

-Was he all right?
-Oh, he's fine.

Ever since his accident,

he's been crazy about
"Stormy Weather."

♪ Don't know why

[all singing]
♪ There's no sun up
in the sky ♪

♪ Stormy weather

I-I think we're getting 'im.

Uh, Colonel Penobscott?

Uh, yes, sir.It's Major Houlihan calling.

-Right. You got him.
-Donald? Donald?

-Right, why don't you sit---Oh, no, I'm fine.

I just wanted to
talk to you, darling.

-You have it.-I know I could have written.

Oh, it's so goodto hear your voice.

Well, did you get
Mr. Hotsy Totsy
on the phone?

This is personal.
Please leave.

-I'm happen to be here
on business.
-Oh.

Corporal, have you got
those papers I asked for?

-Papers, sir?-I'll find them myself.

-That's my monthly report!
-Uh, Donald--

Donald, I've beentalking to a friend,

and this friend suggests,and I agree--

Time to get a few
things straightened out.

That it's timeto get a few thingsstraightened out.

-Time to set the date.-It's time to set the date.

-No, well, I realizethat you're busy, dear.-Oh, sure he's busy...

fraternizing with
bathhouse bimbos.

-What's a bathhouse bimbo?-Start not listening,
for a change.

-Do you hear me?
-Yes, sir.
I mean, no, sir!

-Shut up!
-Right.

Who is this friend?No, I don't mindtelling you that.

-No names!
-Major Frank Burns.

-Ooh!
-That's right. Yes.

-You're scrunching my report. -ThatFrank Burns.

-You're scrunching--
Sir, could you just--
-You will?

Oh, Donald,that's wonderful!

-Oh, could I just--
-I can hardly wait
to see you!

-It took me a whole--
-Bye-bye!

-Frank, you did it!
You've done it!
-Did what?

-Did what?
-He's coming here.He wants to talk to you.

-What do you mean?
-He's coming here.He's on his way. Donald!

-Here?
-Yes!

-Penobscott's coming here?-Yes!

-To MASH?
-Yes!

He said he wantsto straighten thingsout once and for all.

Ease up, please.
Look what you did.

Sir, can I have
two weeks' furlough?

-No.
-Oh, golly.

-Klinger!-Pass off, Klinger.You're always hogging the ball.

-That's no way
to talk to a lady.
-It's a habit, guys.

In Toledo, if you pass the ballto somebody, they sell it.

-Let go, you crumb!
-[whistle blowing]

-Oh, sorry, Father.-You fouled him, Colonel!

Radar, you wanna reorganizethe entire filing system?

-Jump ball!-Isn't it unusual for the refto change his call?

Not if he's a corporal.

Colonel, I believeyou're standing on my foot.

-It's only a
friendly game, Father.
-[whistle blows]

KLINGER: Get it, B.J!
Get it! Get it!

Over here! No!

-Hey, that's two!
-[all cheering]

[overlapping shouts]

-KLINGER: Colonel!-WOMAN: Over here, Colonel!

KLINGER:Get it! Over here, Father!

Get it, B.J.!
Over here! Over here!

I'm on your side,
Colonel!

-[whistle blows]
-[overlapping shouts]

-DONALD: Colonel Potter?-Yeah, what?

Lt. Col. Penobscott, sir.

-Ah!
-Ah!

-Sherman Potter.
How do you do?
-A pleasure, sir.

-Captain Hunnicutt.
-Hi.

-Captain Pierce.
-Hello, how are you?

-Lt. Peters.
-Lieutenant.

-Father Mulcahy.
-Father.

-Corporal Klinger.
-Corporal.

-Corporal O'Reilly.
-Corporal.

Lieutenant Colonel?

Major.

Now there's
your regulation hug.

Wow. They must really
like each other.

-Then how come they
close their eyes?
-[chuckles]

Would you excuse us,Colonel, sir?

Of course,
of course.

Gee, I'm so embarrassed.I threw him the ball.

It was very
sportsmanlike.

-Why don't we take a walk?-Okay.

Not being one to gossip,

but they seem like
a nice-looking couple.

Strapping young man.Academy, you know.

West Point or Arthur Murray?

We gonna play ball anymore?I was getting hot.

Klinger, there's too muchhuman drama unfolding.

Jeez, I wonder what they're
saying to each other.

She's saying,
"Donald, darling,

I'm not getting any
younger, you know."

And he's saying,
"Margaret, darling,

"I couldn't love you more.

"But I promised myself
not to marry

until I made
brigadier general."

"Let's not rushinto this thing

like a couple ofcrazy army kids."

"Oh, Donald, darling,
I don't care what
your rank is,

as long as it's lieutenantcolonel or better."

"Kiss me, you fool."

Amazing.
How'd you know that?

She was puckering.

All right, knock off
the eavesdropping.

Let's go over to the Mess
Tent for a cup of Joe.

Come on, Radar, you'llonly irritate your glands.

Ah, here they are,a handsome couple.

Klinger, why don'tyou get the Major andthe Colonel some coffee.

-I'd be proud to.
-Oh, no, thanks.
Not now, Klinger.

Lt. Col. Penobscott
has a little bomb to
drop on all of you.

-How poetic.
-I haven't been
bombed in a week.

I don't know howto say this, but, uh,

Major Houlihan andI would like to get married

as soon as possible.

[all congratulating]

Why don't we toastthe happy couple?

They're too big
for our toaster.

We'd like to expediteour marriage

because I'm due backin Tokyo in 48 hours.

-Father Mulcahy.
-Present.

Will you join us
in wedlock?

Don't do it, Father.
Three's a crowd.

I'd be honored
to marry you.

-I'm gonna cry.
I know I'm gonna cry.
-Steady, soldier.

Colonel, uh,what's the procedure?

-Radar?
-Uh, there's
nothing to it, sir.

All you need is permissionfrom your commanding officer

and Form 1027-A.

Uh, then you need
your overseas nuptials

in a combat zone
Form 1136.

And then, uh, your embassyregistration Form L-1101.

All typed up niceand neat in triplicate.

-Don't forget the blood test.
-And then I marry you.

-Father, do you do Methodist?-Piece of cake.

Oh, right, Klinger,we'll need a cake.

-Radar, warm up those forms.-Yes, sir.

Here, you're in
charge of that.

My first command.

-Morning, Major Burns.
-Morning.

-Major Frank Burns?
-Yes, sir?

No, sir.

That's him.That's Frank Burns.

You're the man
I wanna see.

Hold it.

-I wanna talk to you.
-Donald!

Father, do you doPresbyterian funerals?

I'm innocent!
I never touched the girl!

-I'm a happily married man!-Hold still, Major!

I don't know what
anyone's told you,

but all we did
was play chess,

make chains out
of rubber bands.

And last Christmas,

we made little
pussycat cookies.

Major Burns, at ease!

I'm trying to tell youhow grateful I am to you.

-What?-It's your fault I'm here.

You inspired Margaret intoinsisting we get married.

I'm indebted,

and I'd like you
to be our best man.

[laughing]

Really?

-Radar?
-Yes, sir.

What's the latest poop
on the wedding?

Uh, Captain Pierce and Hunnicuttwanna give Colonel Penobscotta smoker.

Good. Good. Did you tell themno horsing around

in class "A" uniforms
at the wedding?

Yes, sir. Captain Pierce sayshe's gonna be on his bestbehavior

-but he won't wear pants.-You tell him no pants,no champagne.

You gotta know how
to handle these guys.
What else?

Cook baked a cake.
Chocolate frosting.

-Mmm! Has anybody licked--Oh. Go on.
-I licked the spoon.

Uh, all the nurses wantto give Major Houlihan a shower.

Probably want her real cleanfor the wedding.

-Just a joke.
-I know.

This your firstmarriage ceremony, Radar?

Oh, no, sir.I was at my Uncle Ernie's.

-Fun?
-Oh, yeah.
They had potato salad

and pecan pie, punch, turkey,

Jell-O, tongue sandwichesand chopped liver.

-Sounds wonderful.
-I threw up all over
the flower girl.

-That'll be all.
-Yes, sir.

-[laughing]
-Just some fruit juice
and poison.

Oh, well, then it
can't possibly hurt.

-Right. Cheers.
-ALL: Cheers!

Oh! Oh!
Too much fruit juice.

-Open your presents!
-Yeah, don't forget
your presents!

Oh! How terrific!

-Who's this from?
-That's from me.

Hurry!

Oh!

[laughing]
Back scratcher.

The Colonel
will love this.

He's got a little
itch right there.

WOMEN:
Ooh!

This way,
when I'm not around,

he won't need anybody
else to scratch it.

-Thanks.
-Sorry I'm late.

I had to iron
this dress.

Klinger, this is
for ladies only.

Oh, just a little something
for the bride-to-be.

Oh, Klinger,
how sweet.

In the words
of my people,

"May your life
be an oasis

"surrounded by
waving palms,

"warm breezes,
and spit-free camels."

How touching.

-It's gorgeous.
-Oh!

I always figured
if I had a daughter

I'd want her to
wear that gown.

My Uncle Zack used itto get out of World War I.

Don't tear it.

[men singing, indistinct]

-To the groom.
-ALL: To the groom!

Hear, hear!

-Gentlemen, gentlemen,may I say a word or two?-Shh!

I would just like to
express my gratitude

to all of you for
your camaraderie

and generosity on this,the eve of my wedlock.

Or hemlock,as the case may be.

May your house be
filled with children

and your garage
filled with camels.

Camels!

Are you aware theone with the big nose

is wearing earrings?

You shouldn't be
looking around.

You're getting
married tomorrow.

Oh, you're right.I couldn't help notice.

He's-he's a Gypsy.

To Toledo,
the stuffed grape leaf
capital of the Midwest!

-To the Midwest!
-Grape leaves!

May I have the attention
of everyone present?

I recognize the drunk
from Indiana.

[applause]

-More!
-"Penobenscott."

What makes you
think you deserve

such a fine,
upstanding woman

as Major Houli-han?

-Colonel Potter?
-R-Radar?

-Your permission to
go out and get sick?
-G-Gr-Granted.

Give him a hand.
Give him a hand.

[all clapping]

-What'd he do?-"Menobscott," you haven'tanswered my question.

Burns, why don't
you join Radar?

The upchuck twins.

Sir, I'm speaking man to man,

not officer to officer.

Well, then g-geton w-with it.

Well, what's
so hot about you?

Well, in my class
at the academy,

I was 396th out of 227.

I told youhe was no dummy!

And at the Point,
water polo team,

uh, hammer throw and"Greco-wrestle Romaning."

All at the same time?

You know, I used
to play water polo,

but my horse drowned.

Well, you should havekept his head up!

[laughter]

Stop laughing without me!

Burns, why don't
you shut up,

f-fall down,and-and go-go to sleep?

Thank God someone cares.

-Father?
-Yeah? Oh.

You haven't, uh,

had, uh, much to
say this evening.

Oh, I'm afraid
I'm unaccustomed

to the jocularity
of the stag smoker.

I've been to one other.

Very exciting.

A nun jumped out of
an angel food cake.

[laughter]

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Wait a second.
Look at this.

-Oh, dear!-Well, he's-he's had it.

G-Gimme-Gimme a hand.

Oh, I got one.

Up we go here.

Okay.

Now, watch-watch it!
Watch it!

-He weighs a ton!-That's all his medals.

The guest of honor
is drunk.

So am I.

I'd say the party's over.

Well-- Excuse me.

Have a g-good night, fellas.

-Night.
-Good night, Colonel!

-Good night.
-Good night.

Radar, get up.

You'll get-you'll getdirt-dirt in your nose.

I know, but why
are these tents doing
in our yard, Uncle Ed?

-I'm not your Uncle Ed.-Whoa!

-Good night, Father.
-Good night, Father.

Go right home.

The jocularity
is jocularity!

Oh, I gotta go.

I'm wearing a morning
frock for the wedding.

I better shave my back.

Yeah, for God's sake,
shave your back.

What are we gonna do
with the bridegroom?

Let's put wheels on him

and enter him inthe Soap Box Derby.

No, that-that's
too square.

They like originality.

-Oh, we'll fix Margaret.-What?

Let's slip him in bedwith Nurse Carson.

-No. Oh, wait.
I got a better idea.
-What?

Let's slip me in bed
with Nurse Carson.

-Oh!
-What?

-Oh, no, no!
-What-what-what-what?

-Come on, come on,
come on, come on.-No! No! It's too crazy!

Come on.

-Why don't you--
-No, it's too crazy.

What?

Put him in a body castfrom his chest to his toes

and tell himhe broke his leg.

[laughing]

Oh, come on.
No, that's too cruel.

-That's vicious.
-You're right.

-It's perfect!
-[laughing]

How-How'd Margarettake the good news?

Oh, she's handling
it very well.

She punched a hole
in her tent.

I itch all over.

Gee, I'm glad
I didn't break my leg

while I was asleep.

We'll tell 'em rightafter the ceremony.

You know, when the heat's on,you can be decent.

I know.

But rottenness
is much more fun.

[snickering]

Klinger.

-This is it.
-Okay, I'll get her.

I hope I canget through this

without cryingmy eyes out.

-You got tissue in your purse?-Three hankies.

-Radar.
-What?

-Uh, music.
-Oh.

[playing "Wedding March"off-key]

Potter looks
so dignified.

That's because he's gota hangover that wouldkill his horse.

Ahem!

[continues playing]

Thank you.

Radar!

Dearly beloved,we are gathered here today

to join this man and thiswoman in holy matrimony.

My friends, I'd liketo take this opportunity

to say a few words onthe meaning of marriage.

It is called in the Scripture,
"holy bonds."

But what kind
of bonds are they

that hold two
people together

on the journey
through life?

[sobbing]

They are silken bonds.

Strong, yet gentle.

Unbreakable,
yet yielding.

[helicopters whirling]

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh, choppers!

Incoming wounded!Incoming wounded!

-I'm sorry, God.
-Step on it, Father.

Uh, moving right along.

Uh, if any man
objects to this union,

speak now or forever
hold your peace.

-Oh, I've nothing to say.-Keep it moving, Father.

Do you, Margaret,
take Donald

to be your lawful
wedded husband?

-I do.
-And do you, Donald,
take Margaret

-to be your lawful
wedded wife?
-I do.

I now pronounce
you husband and wife.

Colonel.

See you later, darling.

Hey!

Don't leave me!

Oh!

This one's in shock
and he's hemorrhaging.

A unit of
whole blood, stat.

Come on, take him.

Okay, it's his leg.
Do a sterile prep.

Move it! Hurry!

Pack his chest,
he's in pain.

M.S., one-quarter.
He'll be next in O.R.

Come on, move it, move it!We've got more coming!

[O.R. chatter]

-How many left?
-Two more in pre-op.

Fractured femur,

and the otherhas abdominal wounds.

Hell of a wedding
for you, kid.

More whole blood!

-Wow!-What do you got, B.J.?

-Belly full of shrapnel.
-Me too.

It's beanbag time.

Ready to close.
General closure,
but a peritoneum.

-Klinger.
-Captain?

Get that fractured
leg in here.

Gimme a second.I'll bring the whole guy in.

How's your head?

Oh, it's okay, Father.I got a little shook up.

Colonel, I don't think
this is a good idea.

No, I insist.

I want to see
Margaret at work.

It'll bring us
closer together.

But if you're
not used to it,

O.R. can be
very frightening.

I remember
my first experience.

I couldn't eat liverfor a year.

Padre, you're speaking
to a combat veteran.

-I've seen it all.
-Up!

[indistinct chatter]

Hawk, Hawk,I can't get to it.

-Give me a hand.
-Finish closing.

Move. And the retractors.

B.J.: Margaret, suction someof that blood out of there.

Ahh.

Clamp, clamp!

Clamp.

[indistinct chatter]

There it is.

Sponge.

-All right, Father.I've-- I've seen enough.-Let's go.

[overlapping congratulations]

-Have a good honeymoon!-Oh, thanks.

-Bye. It's been nice.-Bless you, son. Bon voyage.

-Thank you, Father.-Have a nice honeymoon, Colonel.

I'm sure it'll be all youever expected it to be.

-Thank you, Captain.
-Best of luck.

-Sorry about the accident, sir.-Oh, that's all right.

-Well, do the best you can.-Thank you, Colonel.

Enjoyed your wedding, sir.

[chattering]

Okay. Bye.

Major, the bouquet!

Throw the bouquet!

[applause]

-Good luck, Major.
-Thank you.

-Have a good time.
-Thank you.

-Bye, Margaret.
-Bye.

-Let's tell her, Hawk.
-You tell her.

You mixed the plaster.

Well, one of us oughta
tell her it's a joke.

-His leg is okay!
-The cast is a fake!

What?

-The cast, take it off!-The cast!

Taking off!

-Oh, bye.
-Bye-bye!

Thanks for everything!

Oh, you're welcome!

Bye, Major!

-Goodbye!
-Bye!

[both laughing]

Oh, I sure amglad we told her.

[both laughing]

We'll have to wire
her in Tokyo, all right?

You think she can getthe cast off all by herself?

Are you kidding?
She'll rip it off
with her bare hands.

Bye, Margaret.

-Feel all right, Frank?-Oh, I feel great.

You guys don't have
to sit up with me likeI'm a baby or something.

Well, you're entitledto a little sympathy,under the circumstances.

-After all, you just
lost a close friend.-Oh, I don't feel badly.

I'm really very happy
for Margaret.

-That's good, Frank.
That's healthy.
-Sure.

I just wish she'd beena little more cautious.

You know,
I hate to see a girl,

only been in the army
18 years,

rush off and marry
the second real man
she ever met.

What time is it
in Tokyo now?

Mm, about, um, 10:00.

Oh, well. They probablyfinished dinner by now.Had a few drinks.

Strolled through the Japanesegarden at the hotel.

Those gardensare very romantic.

Oh, yeah.

They're probably wanderingover toward the elevators now.

Where you going, Frank?

I don't know. Uh, just feltlike grabbing a cold shower.

-That's not a bad idea.-Uh-huh.

[theme music playing]