M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 5, Episode 23 - Post Op - full transcript

[theme music playing]

We need blood, damn it,

lots of it and then some.

I had to get rid of everydrop we had in stock.

You heard right, Captain.

Couple of boys we treatedturned up later with hepatitis,

and you don't catch thatsitting in a draft.

Well, if you can'tdo anything,

put me onto someone who can,

someone with a littleauthority, Captain!

Who's this?



Sergeant Frankle?Peachy.

Sergeant, I've toldeveryone else.

I'll tell you.

The 4077th isout of blood.

We're squeezingturnips here.

All my personnel havedonated at least twice.

Dracula couldn'tfind a quick snack

around these parts.

Colonel, you're either gonna
have to get us some blood

or call off the war.

We're doling it out
by the corpuscle now.

Hold on, Pierce.I'll wait, Sergeant.

I just gave that Turkish
captain another ten units,

bringing his grand
total up to 30.



That's a complete oil changein 24 hours.

I'm trying to order some.Tie up your horses.

I am-- We might
need 'em as donors.

Yes, Sergeant.What?

Which flunky
am I talking to now?

Oh, excuse me, Colonel,

but I've been getting
the royal runaround.

I appreciate you boys
are low down there,

but this is
an emergency.

I'm not asking.
I'm begging.

And I'm threatening!

Colonel, if there aren't
100 units delivered
by tonight,

the boys and I are
gonna come down there

and alter the pants
on all your dress uniforms.

You gotta reason
with these guys.

Hello?

Good job, Pierce.He hung up.

Did he leave his inseam?

MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel. Incoming wounded.

Triage team report
to the evac bus.

That's not what I ordered.

I.V. for him.
He's in shock.

Get him right into pre-op.

-Just once I'd like to
see a few empty seats.
-Or an empty bus.

Hey, whoa!
Take it easy, fella!

Come on, come on.
Take it easy.

-Hey, let me help
you there, Doc.
-Hey, hey!

-Hey, hey, Nessen!-I could use a wrestler,but you'll do fine.

Hey, Nessen,take it easy.

Doc here is gonnahelp you, okay?

That's it.

Where'd you come
down from?

Munsan.About 20 miles north.

It was a townuntil last night.

I'd hate to be the guy
who makes the maps
around here.

You know it.

Haven't you been a guestin this hotel before?

Six months ago.

Yeah, I remember.

You offered to stuff mein my duffel bag.

[chuckles]Jerris Moody.

How you been,Captain Pierce?

Okay. Litter!

Start a whole blood I.V.

-This one can wait.
-Great.

Able, give me a hand
with this litter.

I thought you'd be
proudly serving in
the stockade by now.

Yeah, first impressionscan fool you.

Mine was you hated
everybody and everything.

Yeah, I guess I did,

but lately I haven'thad time to do anything

except keep myself
and my buddies alive.

You're a different
guy, huh?

Yeah, I'm a regular
Florence Nightingale.

For Pete's sake, why areyou just standing around?

-Can't we get moving here?-Sure, Nurse.

Would you help us move
this guy into pre-op?

Nurse! You're talkingto a major.

Oh, sorry.

Would you help us move this
guy into pre-op, Major?

Litter!

HAWKEYE: This kid's backis covered with shrapnel.

I feel like
a prospector.

FRANK: Pierce, do you alwayshave to talk while you work?

You're right, Frank.
Nurse, from now on
I'll blink my left eye

for a clamp, my right eye
for a sponge,

and when I wiggle
my ears,

that means meet me undera jeep in half an hour.

Yuck, yuck,
yuckety, yuck.

Quiet, Frank.
We're working.

Quiet, all of you!I've got a bulletnear the heart.

I don't needall this hubbub.

Shh!

B.J:
Get him to post-op.

600,000 units of Procainepenicillin every six hours.

Start it off with,
"Son, you're alive."

Well, break's over.

Orderly! Give mesome more light there.

Tilt it--tilt it up.

[sighs]

Clamp.

That's enough!
That's enough!

Gloves.

Nurse, there are pitsin my orange juice!

Can we get a surgeonto remove those pits?

I'll do it.
Nurse, strainer!

I've had it
with you crumbs.

Eighteen hours ofslaving over these wrecks.

I got better things
to do with my time.

Shut up, Burns!Clamp.

What's the matter, Pierce?Cracking up, huh?

Sponge.
I mean, clamp!

Frank, as soon as I patch upthis kid's arm,

I'm gonna go over thereand break one of yours.

I got dibs
on the other one.

I'll pound all
your bones into mulch.

I'll pound your mulchinto brains.

All right, we've let offenough steam.

Let's holster our mouths.

Nurse, pull down my mask.

-Frank?
-Hmm?

Thank you.

Colonel, only ten unitsof whole blood left.

Thank God we're
almost done.

You want me to call
Seoul again?

No, I'll take another shotat that idiot colonel.

It'll be the capperof a perfect day. Hypo.

Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to our show.

We have a two-bullet minimumand no flashbulbs, please.

-Colonel, any word
from Seoul yet?-Yeah. The word is "wait."

You'd think those monkeyscould spare a little blood.

Speaking of monkeysnot giving blood, you haven'tdonated a drop, Frank.

Strategy. One of us shouldalways have a full tank.

-Why didn't I think of that?-'Cause you're not an idiot.

It was the weirdest thing.I was sitting in this foxhole.

It seemed like nothing
was happening,

so I was reading...

uh, one of those
Communist leaflets,

the ones that say we're all
fighting for Wall Street.

Personally,I refuse to read them.

And suddenly, I look...

and here's this Chinese G.I.standing over me.

How could you let himsneak up on you like that?

He was my age, no older.

We just stared
at each other.

I guess he was
surprised as I was.

Probably the first time he'dseen an American close up.

-And then he shot you.
-No.

He got this scared look.

For a second, I thoughthe was gonna run away.

-And then what happened?-We both fired.

I got hit in the shoulder,

and it knocked me
flat on my back.

What happened to him?

-The medic said I got him.-Good for you.

I guess so.

Anything elseI can get for you?

I'd like to drop
a line to Mom,

tell her I'm okay.

Of course.

-"Dear Mother..."
-No.

It's "Mom."

She hates when you
call her "Mother."

"Dear Mom..."

Hey, have you got a mirror?

Settle for a compact?

A what?

Just don't ask,"Who's the fairest of them all?"

Oh, damn!
Why they have to do that?

I've had a moustache
all my life!

You were bornwith a moustache?

Well, since I was 12.

They had to shave itto stitch up your face.

They should have
left it alone, man.

What's the big deal?

So you don't look likeGilbert Roland for a while.

-I might as well
be wearing a dress.
-Watch it, bub.

All the real men inPuerto Rico have a moustache.

I think you look okay.You got nice bushy eyebrows.

Aw, leave me alone, man.

And take your mirror
with you.

I got nothing to look at.

Nice chatting with you.

We'll be able
to ship you back to Tokyo
in a couple of days.

You'll be more
comfortable there.

Thanks.
That'll be terrific.

You're gonna be all right.

I thought I had it made.

Stay in the rear,
clear out land mines.

"It's great, Herb.
No one shoots at ya.

"Just take your time.

"Snip the wires.

You got no problems."

No problems.

What happened?

[sighs]

We lay our mines out
in a pattern...

so we know how
to pick 'em up.

But we booby-trap a few,

so the enemy won't sneak inand snip the wires.

I forgot about that.

Next thing I know...

I'm lying across the road.

My leg's kind of numb.

I say to myself, "Herb...

you got a problem."

Colonel Potter!Colonel!

Why the ruckus, Major?

-Sir, this man's unconscious.-I can see that.

Well, he shouldn't be.

-He's my patient.-That's a good enough reason.

He's not wounded,and I can't findanything wrong with him.

What are his signs?

Well, he's shocky,rapid pulse,

low pressure,diminished breathing.

Strange.

It's not my fault.
I did my job.

Nurse!

You're right.The nurse is probably to blame.

I'm not blaming anybody.

Oh, I'm as conscientiousas they come.

Put a cork on it, Burns.

Able, has this patient beenunconscious since arrival?

Yes, Doctor.

Beats the wampum out of me.

I think he's sick.

I never could sleepon my stomach.

Me neither.
I could sleep on
anyone else's but mine.

How bad is it?

Well, I wouldn't gohorseback riding for a while.

This is veryembarrassing.

Why?

'Cause when I go home,

people are gonna beasking me where I got shot.

What am I gonnatell 'em?

Just say, uh,
"I got shot in Korea."

What if they ask mewhere I got hit?

Look them right
in the eye

and say without blinking,"I got hit in the butt."

And if they keep bugging you,drop your pants and show themyour scar.

[laughing]

Don't make me laugh.

Whitney, we're talking
about your body.

It's been invaded
by a bullet.

There's nothing
amusing about that.

Ah, don't I know it.

On the other hand,
you should be proud.

You have a very
special wound.

It's symbolic
of this entire war.

This whole thing has beenone gigantic pain in the butt.

And when they wanna
hand you your Purple Heart,

you can tell them
exactly where to pin it.

Thanks, Doc.

You're welcome.

Why am I always handed
the trouble patients?

-Kellye. I wanna see
his latest X rays.
-Yes, Colonel.

-Colonel, we have an emergency.-Ask someone else!

He's handlingmy patient first.

The Turkish captain
needs a transfusion.

His blood refuses
to clot.

-Let me see him.-That's all right, Colonel.You can go.

-Thank you.-We just don't have the bloodto do the job, sir.

Tell me somethingI don't know.

He needs a refill, quick.

Well, even if we get donors,it'll be too late.

Get him to pre-op.We'll remove his spleen.

That may startsome clotting.

Right away.

Hawkeye, get on the hornto that colonel in Seoul.

-What'll I tell him?
-Tell him I need
100 pints of blood,

and I'm gonna come down thereand take it all from him.

Come on. What happened?Confide in your trainer.

I went into Rosie's Bar
last night.

There were some
rear echelon guys in there

who wanted to know
if I could tap dance.

Ah, Dale Carnegiegraduates.

Yeah, well, I showed 'ema few steps, all right.

I did a buck-and-wing
on their chests.

I've alwaysloved the dance.

Boy, those guys really
surprised me with
their garbage.

I went off like
a firecracker.

I can understand that.

Boy...

When I was up in the front,
my boys needed me.

They used to always
scream for old Moody

to come and get 'em.

I had the guts to go up
there and drag 'em back
to the aid station.

And you come back here,and a couple of jerkscall you names.

When I was a kid, I was
fighting all the time

when somebody put me down,
'cause I believed 'em.

Those guys surprised me
last night.

But they're not gonna
get me next time,

'cause I got something
that guys like that

will never have...
self-respect.

There's not one valid reasonI can think of

why that soldier
should be unconscious.

I gave him
the once-over twice.

Well, if youcouldn't find it--

If I couldn't find it,it means my brains are clogged.

They discovered that boy
in a sleeping bag,

dead to the world,
or almost anyway.

Doesn't makeany sense at all.

Unless he had company
in there.

Colonel, please.

I don't mean human company.
Four-oh silk.

I mean, maybe a snake.

Those little poison ropes areall over these hills.

A good dose of venom would
turn anybody's lights dim.

For heaven's sake.

-Kellye.
-Yes, Colonel?

Did any of those boys
come off the meat wagon

-in their bare feet?-A couple of them did, sir.

Tell Captain Pierce
to check that patient
for snake bite,

especially the feet
and ankles.

If he finds a bite, give himsome antivenom, pronto.

Yes, sir.

Brilliant, Colonel.

If I'm so damn brilliant,

how is it I just put
a stitch in my glove?

So what if I recover?
They'll send me rightout there to do it again.

FRANK: Those are the breaks,fella. Lucky for me,
I'm going home soon.

Back to Indiana,
the good life.
[chuckles]

-Lord knows I deserve it.-Major, I don't wanna hearabout home.

I've been out herealmost since the beginning.

-I haven't seen my wifein all that time.
-That's tough.

She's changed too.I'm only getting cookiesa couple of times a month.

That's why I'm positiveshe's been fooling around.

Sort of a floozy, huh?

Watch it, pal.
You're talking about
the woman I love.

I hired a private dick
to follow her.Trailed her everywhere--

P.T.A. meetings,
church functions--

and he came up with nothing.[chuckles]

Then I added it all up.

He was one of
her caballeros too.

So I hired another cop
to follow him.

And the second guy
wanted expenses.

They get paid
by the day, you know.

Major, I'm very tired.

Ha! I'd have had enough money

for ten detectivesif my disease had come through.

-What's that, Major?
-Oh, I didn't tell youabout my disease, did I?

No, you didn't.But never mind. It's okay.

A kid came through herewith an unidentified rash.
I spotted it first.

I called it "Burn's Blight."Catchiest name since diarrhea.

I was all set to make
the lecture circuit

and pick upmy big fat research grant.

-And, uh...
-Well, what happened?

He got well,
the ungrateful simp.

Uh, you don't wanna
hear about it, Major.

Of course I do. We have ordersto be compassionate.

I don't wanna fight anymore.

I've seen enough death,and I wanna go home.

Why don't you save thatfor the chaplain, chicken?

There's no law that saysI have to sit here and listento you bleeding hearts.

It's very common, son.
You ran across a snake
with a foot fetish.

It's a good thing
he wasn't a neck man,

or you might have diedfrom a terminal hickey.

What do you say after workwe choose up sides for a
football game?

-Nurses' shower's the end zone?-Good. I'm playing end.

Uh-uh. Last timeyou went out for a pass,

I didn't see you againtill the fourth quarter.

Sergeant Raymond McGill,it's my duty to inform youthat you're doing beautifully.

-Spare me the good news, Doc.-What's the matter with you?

They're gonna send me stateside'cause of this stupid wound.

That's the way it usually works.

I can't go home.I have a family to support.

-You got a Korean family?-No, no, in the States.

Once more, with clarity.

Doc, I'm making a fortuneover here in Korea.

-You got the Band-Aid
concession?-I got some enterprises going.

Like selling booze, you know.

A fifth costs me a buckand a quarter in Tokyo.

Some friends fly it to me here,and I let it go for 12 bucksa crack.

-Fifty up at the line.-Right neighborly of ya.

That's nothing. I also havethe only Polaroid camera
in this whole sector.

All the guys want shots,so I put 'em on film fortwo bucks a piece.

Heaven help the economywhen you go.

Maybe I don't have to go, Doc.

Put a few good marks
on that chart,you'll be swimming in whiskey.

-I didn't bring my trunks.-I'll let you borrow
the camera.

You can take so many picturesof yourself, your wife willthink you're back home.

-Sorry, McGill.
-Come on, Doc. Please!

How am I gonna makeany money in Jersey City?

They say Americais the land of opportunity.

Sending me home, huh?

I heard you doctors hadno hearts.

-Very chic, Klinger.
-I just threw it on.

Hey, Robelo.

Stay away from me, man.I look at you, and I getnightmares.

-I solved your problem.-What are you talking about?

An unofficial,
government-issued,
one each moustache.

That ain't funny.

Try it on.
I used my own hair.

Hundred percent Lebanese.It'll probably keep growing.

-How does it look?
-It's you.

Hey! Hey, that's not bad.

Vaya,man. It's even thickerthan my real one.

-Gracias,huh?
-Anytime.

Give me a couple of weeksand I can make you one
with handlebars.

Hey, you're okay, man.

I know,but don't spread it around.

-Nurse?
-Hmm?

You have any idea
how beautiful you are?

[chuckles] Have you any ideahow many times I've heardthat line?

-No, I'm not kidding.On a scale of one to ten...-I know.

-I'm a nine.-Would you like to try for ten?

-Over your dead body?
-I'm in better shape
than I look.

-Aren't we all?
-Listen.

-What time do you get off?-What did you have in mind?

Well, I thought maybewhen you get through withyour shift, we can do something.

-Like go dancing?-No, that's how I hurt my foot.

I thought maybe we can talkabout all the great timeswe had together...

We haven't had any.

Well, we can talkabout them tomorrow night.

What are you doin' for dinner?

I'm meeting one of my nurses.

The guy in the next cot'sin a coma.Maybe we can double-date.

-That sounds exciting.-Listen. You live alone?

I happen to have
a fiance in Tokyo.

So what? I happen to havea wife in Philadelphia.

Donald is a lieutenant colonel.

Sharon's a C.P.A.

Don't you think we owe thema little consideration?

You're right.
We're overdoing it.

I happen to take my engagementvery seriously.

Well, you should.
What do you think
engagements are for?

It's a test period.You're supposed to makecomparisons.

-I've done enough comparing.-You have?

Tell me about 'em.

The only conversationI'm having with you is medical.

Okay, fine. Pull the screenaround my bed and give mea complete physical.

-You guys are all alike.-No, no, no. I'm reallyin love with you.

I wanna spend the rest
of my life with you...
starting tonight.

-What do you say?
-I say good-bye.

[sighs]

Nurse, do you happen to haveany idea how beautiful you are?

Do you have any idea how manytimes I've heard that line?

Testing, testing.

Sorry. Attention, everyone.This is Colonel Potter.

I know it hasn't been 48 hours,but I'm gonna ask you for moreblood.

We're as dry as a hump-lesscamel in the sunshine.

Anyone giving a pint will beexcused from attending...

my hygiene lectures
for the next month.

Please report to the Mess Tent.

And don't knock anybody downrunning to volunteer.

Toodle-oo.

That'll last us
for about 12 hours.

-B.J.: Coming through.
Eager volunteer here.-It's my blood! It has rights!

-We're doing it a favor.We're taking it away from you.-It'll only hurt a lot.

-Next.
-No!

-When you sit in Santa's lap,don't spit in his beard.-I won't go!

-They give balloons, Frank.-Aha. Major Burns at
the front of the line.

-Good for you.
-Of course!

-These two bozos triedto butt in ahead of me.-He's our leader.

-An inspiration to us all.-Darn right.

-What's this?
-I think it's a truck.

I'm Sergeant Attiasof the Turkish brigade.

-We understandthe 4077th MASH needs blood.-In big red letters.

My men and I want to contributefor saving the life of ourcaptain.

Your table is ready.
Our special tonight
is tomato juice.

[shouts in Turkish]

-Thank you very much.
-It's our pleasure.

It's a small thing to dofor such brave people.

-You're not touching me,you vampire! Leave me alone!-This won't hurt at all.

-What's wrong with him?-He's one of our brave people.

Right now he wants
his mommy.

-Right this way.
-Uh, yes.

-Uh, after you.-Oh, no, no, no. After you.

-No, by your pleasure.
-No, no, no, you have
the blood.

-Thank you very much.-BOTH: Thank you very much.

How you feeling tonight, son?

-A lot better than I was.
-You're very lucky.

All you got was a concussionfrom that grenade.

Could have cracked your coconut.Where's your home, son?

If I remember right,
I'm from Chicago.

Boy, do I know that town.

I was a bachelor stationedat Camp Grant for two years.

Used to hit Chicago
like a tornado.

I'm from the Near North Side.

Well, then you'll get
a kick out of this.
The Dewdrop Inn.

It's a tavernat the southeast corner

of Broadway and Lawrence.

-There's a bank there.
-A bank? When did they
put that up?

Around 1900, sir.

Well, I used to drink
a lot in those days.

Used to hop off the "L"at Diversey and catchthe White Sox at Comiskey Park.

Colonel, I think that'sthe Cubs at Wrigley Field.

Baseball's a wonderful gameno matter who's playing.

Hmm, sure is.

My favorite tavern
was The Shamrock

at the corner
of State and Dearborn.

-Sir?
-Yeah?

-State and Dearborn never meet.-They don't?

No, sir. They run parallelto each other.

-Listen. Ever been to Detroit?-No, Colonel.

Good. We'll talk about Detroittomorrow. Meanwhile, rest.

Remember,you've had a concussion.

[theme music playing]