M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 5, Episode 21 - Movie Tonight - full transcript

[theme music playing]

♪ Nobody knows the trouble I've seen ♪

-I know.
-♪ Somebody knows ♪

♪ The trouble I've seen

This thing has knocked outmore guys than Joe Louis.

The winnerand still champeen.

Captain, may I be excused
from this detail?

My nylons are baggin'
all around the knees.

-Get bigger knees.
-Corporal,

you're gonna have to do
a better job than this.

I want this floor clean
enough to eat off of.



That's easy.
It's already cleaner

than the tables
in the mess.

Keep scrubbing!

Ah, what a festive moodpeople get in

-at the G.I. party.
-Oh, shut up.

Now, Major Houlihan,I hope you and your nursesare doing a good job.

We can hold up our end.
Why don't you go
and hold up yours?

Very well. When you finishchecking that machine,
check it again.

Frank, how long areyou gonna be here?

-Ten minutes.-Wake me when he's gone.

[inhaling deeply]

Those tanks aren't
even connected!

I told you this wasa tankless job.

Oh, you crazy guy!



Frank, go make
yourself useful.

I'm a supervisor.I don't have to be useful.

Well, you're doing
a great job.

Oh, go stuff a goose.

Put a little elbow greaseinto that, Corporal!

I'm all outta
elbow grease.

-Don't talk back to me!-Yes, sir!

You did that on purpose,you Lebanese lout!

Hold it. What's goin' onhere, Burns?

I saw the whole thing.

Frank tried to eat
Klinger's mop.

Burns, I put you incharge of this detail.

He's doin' a great job,Colonel.

He's already washedhis face and his shirt.

-At the same time.-Why is it taking so long?

Well, nobody's
following orders,

and they're all grumpy.

Not true.I'm Grumpy.

-He's Sneezy.
-He's Bashful.

-She's Dopey.
-Go watch your mouth.

Okay, just get it done.Let's all try to get along.

♪ Get along little dogie

I had a long
little doggie once.

-It was a dachshund.
-Oh, a little hot dog.

-What happened to him?
-He got mustard out.

I relishthese conversations.

Oh, will you knock
off the silliness?

Oh, knock yourself off,
goofball.

I was invitedto the Goof Ball,

but I didn't havea thing to wear.

Oh, Colonel,they're making me sick.

POTTER:
Me too.

Please, I just
mopped the floor!

And look at it!
It's filthy!

That's right.Criticize my work.

I mop my heart out, and that'sall the thanks I get?

Don't talk back to me!
I'm an officer!

But you're no
gentleman.

-[laughter]
-Oh, can it, nurses!

Check
the surgical packs.

Checking, checking.
Checking packs like crazy.

MARGARET:
Put a lid on it!

It's been this way
all day, sir.

-No discipline.
-Okay, okay.

Let's all try
to work together,

make the best of it.

[chatter]

I'm getting out of here.

Now you heard the Colonel.

Have fun!

Yeah.

-Oh.
-Ooh.

Hi, Father!

Any luck, Father?

We have a winner here.I found the mail.

POTTER: Bingo.
You're a genius.

Oh, not really.

Mail's just in time.

Everybody's chewingeach other up.

Oh, heavens.I have another surprise.

Don't tell me.
You got Mildred
in one of your bags.

No, Colonel.It's that movie you requested.

Your favorite Western.

Hot damn!
Things are lookin' up.

Never mind what Itold you before!

Forget the instrument packsand clean these shelves.

They're filthy.There's dirt all over them.

-All right.-Come on now. Step on it!

Frank, if you say
"Step on it" one more time,

-I'll step on you.-Well, then, move it, then!

-Move it!
-Shut up, Frank!

Nurses,
will you pipe down?

I can't hear myself
yell.

Mind your own business,Captain. I'll handle this.

You're messing up my floor!

Will you quit walkingon my clean floor?

RADAR [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel.

Colonel Potterwould like to addressthe personnel personally.

There you go, sir.Just keep your fingeron that button.

Thank you, Corporal.
Ahem. This is good news.

I know you've been
working your butts off--

Excuse me.

And you're all as itchy
as a dog at a flea circus.

[chuckles]

First of all, there's mail.

-Oh, mail! All right!
-What's mail?

That oughta cheer you up.

And after supper
in the mess tent,

I've got a big treat
for everybody--

something you're all
gonna love to see.

-Gypsy Rose Lee!
-Doing a fan dance.

It's my kind
of entertainment.

My all-time favorite movie.

Now, I'm saving the title
till show time.

After chow in
the Mess Tent.

So bye-bye
and buy bonds.

Oh, I shouldn't
have said that.

RADAR: Oh, uh, take your finger off the button.

-What? -They can hear what you're saying.

-Oh.-I'd better handle this.

Ahem. Uh, Colonel Potteris now finished

with his messageto the 4077.

See, sir, if you don'ttake your finger off--

-I know. I just forgot.
-Oh.

Hey, Beej, you got a pen?

Why?Somebody mail you a pig?

I need something
to write with.

Here, try this.But I think it's out of ink.

Very cute.

Hey, Frank,
lend me your pen.

No, thank you, pal.

-What do you mean, no?
-N-O, no.

-Why not?-Because you'll ruin it.

The point's used to
the way I write.

It's used to stupid?

Oh, stuff it in your Val-pak.

Hey, Hawk, guesswhat Peg sent me.

-A pony?
-No.

A Dutch apple crumb pie.It's delicious.

Try some.

Mmm-mmm.

This is really crummy.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, it's awful.

What?You gotta be kidding.

Would a dying man kid?
Agh!

Geez, Frank, let me havesome of that shoe polish.

What for?

I want to get this rotten
taste out of my mouth.

You have no taste.

I did before
I had that pie.

All right,I'll eat it all myself.

I'll be one of
your pallbearers.

[mock laugh] Just don'tbury me in that shirt

you brought me from Seoul.

You're knocking
my gift?

I picked that
shirt out myself.

No wonder it's irregular.

What do you mean?

I mean one sleeve is
longer than the other.

No, no, no, no, no.
That's not true.

Eh.

Wear it yourself.

I will. I'm gonna put on
this lovely shirt

and go visit
the nurses in it.

There.

[laughing]

Perfect.

Nothing wrong
with this shirt.

Creep.

-WOMAN: Who is it?
-Quasimodo.

-What do you want?-I'm here to ring your bells.

-Come in.
-Ladies.

-Hi.
-Hi, Hawkeye.

On behalf of the officersand gentlemen of the 4077th

and myself,
I cordially invite you

to dinner and a movie

in what is accurately
called the mess tent.

-Please R.S.V.P. In this ear.-No.

This ear does not accept
no for an answer.

Well, I'm sorry.That's the only answerthis mouth has.

Where are you going?

We've been invited
to dinner at I-Corps.

Wine, tablecloths, silverware.

Pilots.

What does a pilot have
that I haven't got?

-A plane.-Why settle for a plain

when you can have a fancy?

We're
tired of this place,

and we're tired
of the same people.

We wanna see somebody
fresh for a change.

I've always been
fresh with you.

Not tonight.

-What if I got on
my hands and knees?
-No.

-What if I got onyour hands and knees?-Not a chance.

Well, I'm not gonna ask again.A man has to have some dignity.

-[knocking]
-Yes?

It's me-- Frank.

Oh, what do you want?I'm busy.

I wanted
to talk to you.

Oh, all right.

Well,
I was wondering if--

Frank, you can come in.

-I can?
-Yes.

-Really?-Oh, will you get in here?

Place looks just the same.

You know, you look lovelyin this light.

The war's been very kindto you, Margaret.

-Is that it?
-No!

I want you to sit with meat the movie tonight.

Just as a friend.

Just as a friend, I accept.

You see? Even thoughyou're engaged,

we can still be civilto each other.

-You're right.
-And after the movie,

-I can walk you back here.-That'd be nice.

If it isn't too late,

maybe we can playwar games like we used to.

Frank.

It was such fun, Margaret!

You'd hide under the coversand pretend it was a tent,

and I'd be a bomband drop on you.

Frank! You bombed out!
You lost!

And Donald Penobscott won.

[giggling]

Penobscott.What a stupid name.

And you're gonna beMargaret Penobscott.

I'd like you to meetthe Penobscotts.

Donald Penobscott,Margaret Penobscott,

and all the littlePenobscotts--

Huey, Dewey and LouiePenobscott. Ha ha ha ha!

-Frank?
-Huh?

I'm gonna count to 3,
and if you're still here,

I'm gonna snap off
your epaulets.

Put it away.You know how I hate that.

-1.
-You're bluffing.

-3!
-You skipped 2!

The tension is
so thick in here,

you could cut it
with a knife.

Not with this one.

Perhaps the entertainment
tonight

will improve
everyone's disposition.

What is the movietonight, Father?

That's privileged
information, B.J.

I don't want to spoil
Colonel Potter's surprise.

It better be good.

This crowd is ready tobeat up Shirley Temple.

Hold it, soldier.
Let me check that tray.

You didn't finish
your peas!

They're hard as a rock, sir.They hurt my tooth.

You're wasting food!
Just look at that tray!

I can't, sir.It makes me woozy.

You didn't finish
your meat.

The meat's all fat. It--

Oh, no.That's the potatoes.

Don't you realize there arepeople starving in Poland?

Here, you cansend 'em this.

What's the problem
now, Burns?

Well, sir, I'm the
garbage officer.

We all know that.

And there's been atremendous waste of food,

especially rutabaga,lima beans and breaded liver.

Is that a surprise
to you?

Well, what if the enemygot a hold of this?

We'd win the war.
Tell you what, Burns.

If there's any food leftthat you think is edible,

you eat it.

Here you go, sir.

May I have your
attention, please?

I know you've been
working hard all week,

and you've got a
case of the cranks.

I'm confidenttonight's entertainment

will make new men out of ya.

Uh, except for you women.

This movie's a classic.

It's got the three thingsthat make a movie great:

horses, cowboys, and horses.

You might've guessed.
It's a Western.

It's called--now hold onto your hats--

My Darling Clementine.

Oh!

Ha ha! See?
You feel better already.

Gee whiz. That's terrific.

I haven't seen
a good movie in ages.

Oh, Frank, don't be childish.It's only a movie.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh boy!A movie! Hee hee hee!

I'm so excited,
I could plotz! Ha ha!

CHORUS IN MOVIE:
♪ Oh my darlin'

[audience cheering]

♪ Oh my darlin'

-[chatter]-MARGARET: I've seenthis picture.

♪ Oh my darlin' Clementine

♪ You are lost
and gone forever ♪

KLINGER: Ooh, Alan Mowbray.

I never missan Alan Mowbray picture.

♪ In a cavern in a canyon

[whooping]

FRANK:Look at all that space!

-There's Ward Bond!
-Whoo-hoo!

HAWKEYE:That's Margaret's whip!

♪ Forty-niner

♪ And his daughter
Clementine ♪

B.J.: Who's that?

HAWKEYE:
Uh, Alan Mowbray.

KLINGER: No.

Hey, there's Alan Mowbray!

B.J.:Who's that ridin' him?

POTTER: That's old
Henry Fonda.

-There you go.
-HAWKEYE: Hey!

[collective cheers, applause]

Henry Fonda!

[applause, whistling]

-[cattle lowing]
-[chatter]

Uh-oh.

-Yep.
-Uh-oh.

There's Walter Brennan.Hee hee!

POTTER: Oh, yeah.

My name's Clanton.

This is my boy Ike. My oldest boy.

Hey, is Sweetwater
up beyond?

Yeah, two, three miles straight up the trail.

[groaning, shouting]

I'm ruinin' my nails!

[whispering]

This film is full of splices.It's not my fault.

ALL: [complaining]

Hold on, now.Don't leave.

You're gonna missa swell movie.

Tell you what.We'll fill in the time.

Let's all sing.A community sing.

[all groaning]

We'll have the film
fixed in a jiffy.

-Come on. It's fun.
-[complaining]

It's also an order.

-HAWKEYE: Oh, in that case.-All right.

How 'bout "The TennesseeWaltz?" Okay?

♪ I was waltzing

-Lower, lower, lower.
-Too high?

♪ I was waltzing
with my darlin' ♪

♪ To the Tennessee Waltz

♪ When an old friend
I happened to see ♪

♪ Introduced him
to my true love ♪

♪ And while they
were dancing ♪

♪ My friend stole my
sweetheart from me ♪

♪ I remember the night...

Father Mulcahy, you should'vetaken up the harmonica.

till the film's fixed.

Have fun.

Sounds likethey're having it.

I got it. Here we go!

-Lights!
-[cheers and applause]

Good evenin', Mr. Clanton.

Good evenin'.

Fellow with a trail herd, remember?

Oh, sure. I remember you.

You was right.

I didn't get very
far with 'em.

They was rustled
this evenin'.

That so?

Well, that's too bad.

Guess you'll be headin'
for California, huh?

No, I figured on
sticking around a while.

Got myself a job.

Cowpunchin'?

Marshaling.

Marshaling?
In Tombstone?

[laughs]

Well, good luck
to you, Mr...

Earp.
Wyatt Earp.

HAWKEYE:
Klinger, you moron!

[all complaining]

I blew the bulb.
It's not my fault!

Who do I look like,
Thomas Edison?

No, you look like
Mrs. Edison.

I'll fix it.
I'll fix it.

Got a good bulb
here someplace.

FRANK: Well, find it!

Got an idea.
Not a bad earring.

[complaining]

Hit it, Father.

♪ [piano]

♪ A chaplain in the army has a collar on his neck ♪

♪ If you don't listen to him you'll all wind up in heck ♪

♪ Oh I don't want no
more of army life ♪

♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go home

♪ Oh the surgeons
in the army ♪

♪ They say
we're mighty bright ♪

♪ We work on soldiers
through the day ♪

♪ And nurses
through the night ♪

[cheering]

♪ I don't want no more of army life ♪

♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go home

♪ Friendships in the army they say are mighty rare ♪

♪ So I spend all my free time carousing with my mare ♪

[laughter]

♪ I don't want no
more of army life ♪

Hey, hey!

♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go home

♪ The surgeons in the army

♪ Their brains
they are profound ♪

♪ But we'll take
chopper pilots ♪

♪ They'll get you
off the ground ♪

♪ Oh I don't want no
more of army life ♪

♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go home

♪ The corporals in the army you say we're really green ♪

♪ But if it weren't for us guys you'd be in the latrine ♪

♪ I don't want no more of army life ♪

♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go home

♪ Oh some guys like the army I think that it's a mess ♪

♪ If it's so damn terrific how come I wear a dress? ♪

-Fix the projector!
-[shouting]

We don't want to hear
songs! We don't!

♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go home

♪ Oh some nurses in the army they haven't tied the knot ♪

♪ But this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscott ♪

[cheering]

♪ I don't want no
more of army life ♪

♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go, but they won't let me go ♪

♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go home

[cheering]

I've got it!

[cheering]

HENRY FONDA AS WYATT EARP: ...sucker game, Doc.

There's probably 50--

HAWKEYE:
Hey, there's no sound.

[all complaining]

HAWKEYE:
Don't blame Klinger.
It's an army projector.

B.J.: It's supposedto break downevery five minutes.

-Like the peace talks.-[complaining continues]

It's no use.
I can't get the sound.

Lights.

[all groaning]

How 'bout some moreentertainment?

I know somebody who doesgreat movie star imitations.

[applause]

No, no!

Oh, okay.

Um...

okay, see if you can
guess who this is.

[clears throat]

HAWKEYE:
Radar's back.

POTTER:Now, leave him alone.

Show 'em, kid.

[imitating John Wayne]
Well, it looks like

you've got some people
around here

pretty mad at you, son.

But I'm not gonna hit ya.

I'm not gonna hit ya.
Like hell I'm not.

[cheers and applause]

Barbara Bel Geddes!

The Mills Brothers!

Wrong. It's John Wayne. Ha ha!

-John Wayne.
-Who's John Wayne?

[imitating Jack Benny]
Now cut that out!

[imitating Eddie Anderson]Okay, Mr. Benny!

Rochester,

now, how many timeshave I told ya, ya see,

never to interrupt mewhen I'm doin' the show?

Oh, Don. Oh, Mary.

Oh, Dennis.

Now that's the
Mills Brothers!

Debra Paget.

[imitating Dennis Day]
Now, Mr. Benny?

Sing, Dennis!

[cheers and applause]

♪ Ol' Hawkeye and ol' B.J.

♪ They think they're pretty smart ♪

♪ I'd like to take a scalpel ♪

♪ And stab 'em in the heart Boy, this is fun.

♪ Oh, I don't want no more of army life ♪

[trailing off] ♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go home

The number in New Jerseyis KLondike 5 4433.

And now, for the momentno one has been waiting for:

the Father Mulcahy
sound-alike contest!

[cheering, whistling]

You'll need that, Hawkeye.

[imitating Father Mulcahy]My word, Hawkeye.

This jocularity
is most unseemly.

-You try.
-[cheering, applause]

Me?

[high-pitched voice]Oh, how can you make jokes

at a time like this?

-Ooh.
-[cheering, applause]

[high-pitched voice]Uh, the post-op is collapsing,

and the O.R.'s on fire.

[laughter, indistinct chatter]

Uh...

and somebody has brokeninto the sacramental wine.

[laughter]

Oh, I'm sorry, Father.

[clears throat]

[high-pitched voice]It seems that Private Simpson

has come downwith a case of hepatitis.

It is the most remarkable
shade of yellow.

[laughter, applause]

You, sir.

[high-pitched voice]Jocularity! Jocularity!

[laughter, applause]

Let me just say this aboutall these impersonations.

[all shouting]

Now that is definitely
the Mills Brothers.

[cheers and applause]

MAN [on film]: Hold it. Sashay back

and make room for our new marshal

and his lady fair.

[cheering]

♪ [fiddle]

Uh, I have a car herefor four nurses, for I-Corps.

I'll see your car and raise youHenry Fonda and Ward Bond.

NURSE: Thank you, driver.
We're staying.

Well, what'll I tellGeneral Armistead?

Tell him we're
watching a movie,

with more stars than he has onhis shoulders.

What's the picture?

My Darling Clementine.

Oh, that's a good one.I just got a flat tire.

Ah-ha! Swing your partner!

Yippee!

Well, by gosh.

-[all groaning]
-Again, with this?

Ladies and gentlemen, we havesomeone with us tonight

who may not want anyoneto know she's here.

The toast of two continentsand the Pink Pagoda in Seoul.

I don't know if we can
prevail upon her--

-Oh, sit down.
-Uh-huh.

[cheers, applause]

-Hit it, Father.
-Hit what?

Anything.

♪ When love comes in and takes you for a spin ♪

♪ Ooh la la la

♪ C'est magnifique

[speaking French]

♪ When every night your lover holds you tight ♪

♪ Ooh la la la

[speaking French]

♪ C'est magnifique

♪ But when one day your lover drifts away ♪

-♪ Ooh la la la -[Hawkeye continues in French]

♪ It is sotragique ♪

[chatter]

♪ But when once more

♪ He whispers"Je t'adore" ♪

♪ C'est magnifique

Watch out
for the stagecoach!

[cheers, applause]

Say, that's the show, folks.

Here they come.

Doc Holliday's with 'em.

HAWKEYE [cowboy voice]:Uh-oh. This don't look good.

There's gonnabe a shoot-out.

Wait'll they get closer, ya fools.

Phin, cover your brother.

[gun cocks]

[gunfire]

[rapid hoofbeats approaching]

Look out, Doc! Look out!

[gasps]

[gunfire]

He's behind ya, Wyatt! Look out!

-[horse whinnying]
-Ohh!

[gunfire continues]

Throw your gun down and come on out, old man.

Hey, we got wounded
out here!

WALTER BRENNAN AS CLANTON: My boys...

Ike, Sam, Phin, Billy!

WYATT EARP: They're dead.

We got wounded in here too.

Wounded!
We got wounded!

[chatter]

♪ In a cavern in a canyon

Scalpel.

♪ Excavating for a mine

ALL [joining in]: ♪ Lived a miner forty-niner

♪ And his daughter
Clementine ♪

♪ Oh, my darlin',
oh, my darlin' ♪

♪ Oh, my darling Clementine

♪ You are lost
and gone forever ♪

♪ Dreadful sorry,
Clementine ♪

[theme music playing]