M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 5, Episode 16 - Ping Pong - full transcript
The 4077th hosts a traditional Korean wedding, much to Frank's objections. And Colonel Potter runs into an old friend who has put his troops in jeopardy so that he could receive a promotion.
[theme music playing]
All right, all right,
all right.
-Let's go, let's go.
-Let's go, Cho!
Hey!
Look at the spin Cho
puts on that ball.
Kill him, Cho.Kill him!
Colonel Potter, please.
A little dignity.
Dignity, hell.I got three bucks on this.
[all gasping]
-Wow!
-[all cheering]
♪
Final set. Match point.
Cho leads 20-17.
HAWKEYE:Let's go, let's go,let's go. Come on.
Come on, come on, come on,come on, come on, come on.
Let's go, Cho!
I haven't seen
a backhand like that
since I tried
an exploratory
on Nurse Baker.
[whistle blows,
crowd groans]
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Match point. 20-18.
Beauty, Cho.
[loud cheering]
-Yeah! We won! Frank, we won!-Aw, fudge!
Frank,
you bet against us.
Well, I gotthree-to-one odds.
IGOR: Take it easy.You'll all get your money.
We're in the champ's
dressing room, folks.
Congratulations, Cho. You
really came through for us.
I did it for the 4077th,Colonel Potter, and apple pie.
Would you like to say a fewwords to the folks at home?
Hello, folks at home.I did it for you, too.
Thanks, champ. Why don't
you take a shower?
I'd rather have cash.
Now, speaking of cash,
I must see my bookie.
Okay, Igor,let me have my money.
I must have paid out too much.
Wait a minute.I'm a winner.
You're lucky.
A lot of guys lost.
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel. Incoming wounded.
All available surgeons to operating room.
Ping-Pong poopers!
They heard we were having
fun, so they attacked.
This war is justone big joke to you,
-isn't it, Dr. Wisenheimer?-Oh, yeah, right, Frank.
I'm laughing all the
way to the blood bank.
Why don't you look
where you're going?
I wasn't moving, Major.You ran into me.
Then why don't you
look where I'm going?
These Occident-proneaccidentals.
They can'tdo anything right.
He didn't look too clumsy
when he was winning
the championship.
If you ask me, the otherguy threw the match.
They stick together, you know.
Like North and South Korea.
You bet against us,
huh, Frank?
At Pearl Harbor, he tookthe Japanese and six points.
Well, he got three-to-one.
It's guys like you that ruina man's reputation.
We're only doing what you'ddo, Frank, if you had time.
Business has reallybeen brisk today.
Word of mouth.
You do good work, onewounded man tells another.
Giving away free ammunitionhasn't hurt business, either.
POTTER:Casualties were greater
than Headquarters anticipated.
Beats me
how the experts
can generally
tell to a man
how many wounded
we're gonna get.
If they're so smart,why don't they find a way
to put a stopto this nonsense?
I can hear every word
you're sayin', Doc.
That's because thefragment is in your rear
instead of your ear.
The anesthetic isn't working.
Relax, soldier.
We haven't given
it to you yet.
I'm Lieutenant ColonelHarold Becket, damn it!
Don't blame me.
I didn't name ya.
It's kind of hard
to tell an officer
from an enlisted manat this angle.
Did you see all those wounded?
They're my boys.
I bet your wife
wanted a girl.
POTTER:Becket? Is that you?
I know that voice.
Harold Becket.
Sherman Po--
you old army mule.
Takes one to know one.
What are you doing here?
He's with a group ofunderprivileged soldiers
that got sent to campfor the summer.
I never expected to seeyour ugly face again.
Just like
the old days, Harold.
You put your
best foot forward,
and they shoot you
where you think.
What does it
look like, Doctor?
Looks like any other butt.
-Nothing serious. -Don'tworry, Colonel.
We'll have thisin a sling in no time.
Have 'em takegood care of me, Sherm.
These boys know
what they're doin'.
We specialize
in officers' butts.
They're trained
in brain surgery.
Oh, God help me.
That's what I'mhere for.
Okay, fill 'erup, angel.
What'll we drink to?
It's now 4:00. Why don't
we drink to 5:00?
We drank to 5:00 yesterday.
-Let's drink to 6:00.
-Ah.
You know, this is
a particularly good brew.
What's the secret?
I used a pair of 1949sweat socks
with matching garters.
No wonder.
This vintage has legs.
[knocking]
-Cho!
-Hey! Come in, champ.
Captains, I am pleased
to introduce to you
my friend Soony.
-How do you do, Soony?
-Hello, Soony.
Come on in. Have a seat.Excuse the mess.
Our houseboy wasdrafted two years ago.
Ohh. Nice.
Nice Swamp.
We were going
to redecorate,
but why put money
into a place when
you're just renting?
You got mess?Soony will clean for you.
-[speaking Korean]
-Ohh!
-Yes. Yes.
-Oh, no, no, no, no.
Soony's a good
housekeeper.
She'll make this place
like a new Swamp.
No, no, no, no, no,please, please.
Don't disturb the dust.It's right where we like it.
I don't know howthis got in here.
-Please.
-Okay.
Don't clean.It makes me nervous.
-Okay.-Soony's looking for a job.
Oh, well, maybe we canhelp her find something
-around here.
-Sure.
Soony can clean anything.
You know, spick-and-span.
How much Englishdo you speak, Soony?
Some of it.
That much?
[knocking]
And I have an
announcement to make.
We're getting married.
Hey!Mixed doubles!
You're welcome.
And you're both invited
to the wedding.
-Thank you.
-Oh, terrific.
-Where's it gonna be?
-I don't know yet.
Soony's village is flatas a pancake from artillery.
She's an orphan.
Maybe you couldget married here.
Would you like that?
[speaking Korean]
Oh, yes. Thank you.
You made Soonyand me very happy.
When do you wantto have the wedding?
As soon as I get enoughmoney for the ring.
How much do youneed for that?
I have 60 American dollars.I need 40 more.
What do you say, Beej?$20 will get you a seat
-on the bride's side.-No Soony said than done.
I always like looking
on the bride side.
My Uncle Lu in Seoulsells jewelry wholesale,
also a little retail.
He has a gold ringwith a big diamond
for a hundred dollars.
Be careful your Uncle Ludoesn't do to you
what our Uncle Samis doing to us.
Oh, no. Uncle Lu isone honest john.
All right, here.You can pay us backwhenever you get it.
I'll pay you back.I'll pay you back right away.
Good-bye, Captain Hawkeye,
Captain B.J.
-Good-bye.
-Good-bye. Good-bye.
Bye-bye, Soony.
You're welcome.
-Ah, well, thank you.-Thank you.
[laughing]
Step on a feather,
Frank?
You're a great judge
of character, Pierce.
Right. I always knew
you didn't have any.
Lending money
to an Oriental.
You can say sayonara
to your moola.
He'll pay us back.
Listen, I wouldn't
lend him a dime
unless he was able toput up some collateral.
Frank, whatever
collateral he had
we blew up last week.
Yeah, smarty-pants.You won't see him again.
A fool and his money
are soon parted.
Somebody's been
using my broom.
Oh, yeah. There was
that little girl
who was in here with
the long blonde curls.
-Ate your porridge.
-Sat on your chair.
Said your bed was just right.
Well, tell her
to knock it off.
Major Burns, sir?
Don't ever sneak upon me like that, twerp!
And especially whenyou're with one of them.
She's one of us, sir.
She may be one of you,but she's not one of me.
Uh, Miss Soony
wants a job, sir.
She's very good
at sweeping floors
and washing dishes.
Doesn't she realizethere's a war going on?
We can't hireanyone without runninga security check.
But she's on our side.
Everyonehas to be cleared.
Even General MacArthur'spipe stuffer
has to be checked out.
She doesn't want
to stuff his pipe.
Corporal, be quiet.
Let me interrogatethe job applicant.
Sit down, please.
Sit, please.
Are you now, or have youever been a member
of a Communistdishwashing organization?
Uh, sir, I don't think
she understands
that question.
Well, what about you?
Well, my mother used
to wash the dishes,
but sometimes I dried.
Oh, cockypop!
How long have youlived in Korea?
Born Korea.
I think that means
all her life, sir.
Have you made anyrecent trips to Russia,
Red China, or Albania?
Sir, she doesn't
have enough money
to get to Seoul.
That's why she
wants a job.
Would you put a corkin it, half-pint!
Unless there's a callfor Philip Morris.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Would you be willingto defend this land
in the event ofan enemy attack?
Sir, the enemy
already attacked.
Stop being a buttinsky!
Why is she smiling?
-I think she likes you, sir.-She does?
[chuckles]
Now none of thoseinscrutable tricks.
Have you any referencesfrom previous employers? Hmm?
Oh, yeah. Papers.
Yes, sir. She has thesepapers and references
from people she worked for.
Uh-huh.
Took care of GeneralHorton's children?
That's right, sir.
Have you any papers
to prove that theseare your papers?
Why would she need
papers to prove--
I told you to stayout of this, runt!
I'm gonna have to dosome checking.
In the meantime,no funny stuff.
Don't try to leavethe country, and, uh...
get out of my chair.
Hiya, Harold. Don't get up.
Hi, Sherm.
I thought you'd forgotten
your old buddy.
I was giving my horsea mambo lesson.
Still got a great sense
of humor, you rascal.
Keeps me from playingwith my toes.
How's your backpocket feel?
Oh, it's cooling off.
Say, uh, if any
of the boys
want something special,just put it on my check.
Well, if they orderan extra pint of blood
during the happy hour,it's on the house.
Sherm, how many years
has it been?
Oh, must be 30 at least.
Remember Camp Grant?
Those two gals wepicked up in Chicago?
[laughter]
What a wild weekend
that was.
As I recall,mine was the cutie.
Yours looked likeMan o' War.
Hey, wait a minute.
I think I married
that girl.
Oh, that's right.Mine looked like Man o' War.
Oh, don't feel bad, Sherm.
It didn't last.
She was okay
for six furlongs,
but she couldn't
go the distance.
The last I heard,you were quarteredback in Washington.
Yeah, buying commodities
for the troops.
Vegetables, fruit, meat.
Oh, so you're the guy.
Somebody didn'tget your order.
I had a hamburgerlast night that whinnied.
It's not my fault.
Everything's overcooked.
Even the milk.
[laughter]
Oh, don't make me
laugh, please.
My butt'll fall off.
What's an old desk jockeylike you doing out here?
Well... I need
30 days on the line
for my Combat Infantry Badge.
Why risk your life for that?
With that in my record,
the boys in Washingtoncan move me up.
I can retire a full colonel.
How long do you figure
I'll be here, Sherm?
I need five
more days up there.
If the fooddoesn't kill ya,
you and your bustedbutt'll be out of here
in less than a week.
There you go.
Why don't we go over
to your place and, uh...
Some other time.
Why don't we go
over to my place
and pretend
we're at your place?
Some other time.
We can some other time
some other time.
Why don't we some other
time it right now?
Too tired. I'm gonnarinse out some things
I may not even take off.
You wash, I'll dry.
-Some other time.
-Some other time.
Soony?
What's the matter, Soony?
Cho not come back.
Oh, he probablyjust stayed to buya wedding present.
Cho will be back.
No. No. Two days.
Not come back.
Well, it looks like your
Marshall Plan backfired.
Your little friend ran
off with your 40 smackers
and left you with
egg foo yung on your face.
No. No.
[sobbing] Never come back.
Well, I hate to say
I told you so,
but I told you so.
Frank, you will never beknown as the Ugly American.
You're overqualified.
RADAR: Hawkeye?
He's first. Prep him.
Hey, it's the champ
in a Korean uniform.
How bad is he?
He won't be playing
Ping-Pong for a while.
-What happened, Cho?
-Big mix-up in Seoul.
-Soony all right?
-She'll be fine now.
Radar, find Soonyand tell her that Cho is back.
Tell her to savesome rice for her wedding.
-Oh, boy.-Can you get the other end?
Yeah.
I was walking down
the street in Seoul.
Two Korean M.P.s grabbed me
and threw me in a truck.
Said, "you drafted."
Shanghaied in Seoul.
Makes you wonder
who the enemy is.
One hour of
basic training,
and they sent me
to the front.
One hourand he's G.I. Cho.
Very punny.
I bought a nice
ring for Soony.
-Where's the ring?
-It's okay.
I put all your possessionsin this ditty bag.
Hey.
Hey, that's
a beauty, Cho.
She'll love that.
Major Houlihan,
you wanna see Soony's
engagement ring?
Ohh. That's very nice.
Really.
Of course, I would neverwear anything that big.
Not with a boyfriend
as chintzy as yours.
Donald isn't cheap.He's conservative.
He's conservingevery penny he's got.
This ring is priceless.
Why don't you put it
in a safe-deposit thimble?
Soony will love
that ring, Cho.
-Thank you.
-Ah.
I see the con man's back.
What's he doing
in a Korean uniform?
Getting shot at, Frank.
You ought to try itsome time.
I think we ought
to run a check.
Check, check, check!
You'd run a check
on your own mother.
Well, if she
was an Oriental
Ping-Pong player,
you bet I would.
Why don't you check
yourself into a closet?
Why hasn't he been moved
out to the 121st evac?
Because he's inguarded condition, Frank.
That's doctor talk.
Yeah, and you Eastern
liberals are his guards.
He should be moved out.
We could use his bed
for one of our own.
Frank, everyone who's sickhas a bed, except you.
Look who's talking,
tubercular head.
Now that's doctor talk.
Pierce, you knowwhat this is?
Another paternity suit?
-Close.
-A paternity hat?
It's a declarationof war.
A list of grievancesagainst you,
signed by Major Burns.
I plead guilty,
and I'd like
to throw myself on the
mercy of Nurse Able.
We all know when the goodLord passed out paranoia,
Frank Burns got in line twice.
Three times. Thank you.
The third time to denyhe'd ever been in line.
Burns is threateningto call General Harrelson.
Now, why hasn't Cho
been sent back down
to the 121st hospital likethe rest of the post-ops?
-Uh...
-Colonel,
we took a piece of shrapnelout of his shoulder,
and, uh, complicationshave set in.
What complications?
He wantsto get married.
Doctors,
in 16 months, three weeks,and four days,
I expect to be
standing on my patio
back in Nebraska, barbecuing.
Why are you wetting
on my charcoal?
Ah, come on, Colonel.
You know how sentimentalyou are about weddings.
Yes, when they're
in my own family.
Exactly. At the
wedding tomorrow,
you're giving away
the bride.
I am? Well, whydidn't you tell me?
-I just thought of it.
-Radar.
Have the colonel's dress
uniform pressed right away.
Have my dress uniformpressed right away. Okay.
So I'm the father
of the bride.
Ah, I wish Mother was here.
She loves to cry.
This is SergeantBlanchard.
Tell Captain Piercewhat you told me.
Are you sure he's okay?
He's not okay,but you can trust him.
All right.
[sigh]
All right, they can
court-martial me if
they want, but...
if it wasn't for that
stupid Colonel Becket,
I wouldn't be here now.
And most of the
rest of these guys
wouldn't be here,
either.
What are you talking about?
Becket's incompetent.
He nearly got us all killed.
[sigh] How could they
send an office boy up
to lead combat troops?
What did he do?
He choked.
When the enemy hit us
with the big stuff,
the colonel panicked.
He-He didn't react
when the orders
came up to withdraw.
Can you believe that?
Why would theygive him a command?
As a birthday present.
That's close.
His pals gave it to him.
He needs five more days to,uh, get his Infantry Badge.
Then they promote him,and he retires a full colonel.
And a lot of kids
retire permanently.
Becket stood there,
screaming orders out
of an army manual.
The men were
laughing at him.
[sighs]
Well, none of 'em
are laughing now.
Is Potter asleep now?
Yeah. We'll hit himwith this tomorrow.
Either way, it's gonna
be a rude awakening.
Another ringer, sir.
I don't understandhow you do it, Klinger.
Well, sir,
I learned to throw
horseshoes in Toledo.
What's that gotto do with it?
We didn't throw 'em
for fun.
We threw 'em
in self-defense.
-Another game, sir? -Nope.
Don't want to be beatenfive times in a row
by somebody in a skirt.
Colonel, we'd like a word.
Take any word you want.
It's yours.
How about "stupidity?"
I like "criminal
stupidity" better.
What are you two talking about?
We're talking about
Colonel Harold Becket.
Better hang on tothat horseshoe, Colonel.
You might want to wrapit around his neck.
The way I've been playing,
I'd probably miss.
[clank]
I gather you
don't like him.
You gather correctly.
He's an old friend
of mine, you know.
He'd have to be
an old friend.
He can't
make any new ones.
Ma'am, I gotta feed
my guinea pig.
-Are you finished?
-No,
and for heaven's sake,stand still.
[sigh] Boy.
Why do I have to do this?
Why don't you get Klinger?
He's good at it.
Because you'rethe bride's size. Don't move!
Oh, I think I hate this.
You know, back home,
this kind of thing
doesn't go over too big.
You never
looked better.
We had this guy back home
who used to wear dressesjust like Klinger,
only he wasn't in the army,if you know what I mean.
-To each his own.
-Yeah. One day,
this guy Boris is walking
down the street
with a cotton dress,
carrying an umbrella,
and my Uncle Ed walks upto him and calls him a sissy.
And then pow! He punches
him right in the nose
and flattens him.
Your uncle Edpunched Boris?
No, Boris flattened
my uncle Ed.
Hi, honey. I'm home.
Come on, guys.
He hates it when you
call him "honey"
in front of strangers.
[imitating Humphrey Bogart]Listen, sweetheart,
what are you doingafter the wedding?
Will you guys cut it out!
Ma'am, are you
finished, please?
My-my palms are sweating,
and it's spreading
all over my whole body.
Just a minute,Corporal.
Hey, what's going on?
Hey, Klinger,
this isn't my idea.
I don't care whose idea it is.
You're working my side
of the street.
Aw, it'll just take a minute.
How would you like it
if I slept
with a teddy bear?
Klinger, beat it.
Nobody wears thathigh-waisted bodice anymore.
Major, can I see
you for a minute?
Uh, excuse me, madam.
I'm not a madam.
I'm a corporal.
What are you doing
in that dress?
Sweating, sir.
Frank, can youcome back later?
Can't you seeI'm busy?
Margaret, I have
to talk to you.
What I have to say
is important.
Oh, all right.
Radar, you move, I'llstick a pin in your leg.
All right, Frank.
What's so important?
Margaret, yesterday we hada smooth-running war here.
Today nothing makes sense.What's going on?
A wedding's going on, Frank.That's what's going on.
I don't think the Americantaxpayer should pay
for the weddingbetween two pagans.
They're not pagans, Frank.Everybody's wearing clothes.
I basically oppose theseimpulsive wartime marriages.
Especially if it cuts into
your impulsive
wartime maneuvers.
Oh! I know what you thinkI'm saying, Margaret,
but I'm not saying that.
I know what you're
saying, and you know
what I'm saying about
what you're saying.
You didn't have to say that.
-[scoffs]
-Margaret!
Look, couldn't we
go over to your tent
and talk this over?
My tent is off limitsto you, Frank.
-Margaret.
-Frank,
you can move your handor lose it.
Morning, Harold.
How you doin'?
Ah, fine, Sherm.
Couple of days, I'll beback on my seat again.
Tell me about
your duty on the line.
What happened up there?
Well, it was rough.
We got clomped
pretty good.
I think Army Intelligencelet us down.
Army Intelligence, huh?
I hear you screwed up.
You blew it.
What are you talking about?
You were ordered to
withdraw, and you froze.
Listen, Sherm.
The pressure was incredible.
I'll admit I could
have done better.
But I did pretty good
for a guy
who hasn't seenany action in 25 years.
You don't belong
up there, Harold.
You belong back
in Washington buying
meat and potatoes.
Okay, combat's
not my specialty.
I'm just up there because Ineed my Combat Infantry Badge.
-You're not gonna get it.-What are you talking about?
You're not going back.
I'm sending you down.
I just need five
more days, Sherm.
Five more days
for a promotion.
Don't mess that up.
I don't give a damn
about your promotion
or your lousy C.I.B.
All I care about is those kids.
Please, Sherm.We're old friends.
I don't care if it costs me
every friend I've got.
If one kid gets hurt,
the price is too high.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm due at a wedding.
I'm giving the bride away.
[music playing]
They won't get
away with it.
General Harrelson
will hear about this.
Oh, shut up.
As I understand the Buddhistwedding ceremony,
the groom usually arriveson a small white pony.
MULCAHY: It's a silent ceremony. No words are spoken.
After the groom approaches the bride,
a helper pours rice wine for both of them.
They drink.
They bow to one another.
The groom places the ring on the bride's finger.
And they are married.
[all cheering]
I'm sorry, sir.I'm really sorry.
Don't apologize
for winning.
What's the score?
20-18. I'm so sorry.
It doesn't matter whetheryou win or lose the game.
It's how you get
court-martialed!
You mean that, sir?
Of course not, Radar. Play.
Let's make it
two out of three.
How many points
you gonna spot me?
-Same as last game: 18.-Okay.
-I'm sorry.
-Oh, shut up!
[theme music playing]
All right, all right,
all right.
-Let's go, let's go.
-Let's go, Cho!
Hey!
Look at the spin Cho
puts on that ball.
Kill him, Cho.Kill him!
Colonel Potter, please.
A little dignity.
Dignity, hell.I got three bucks on this.
[all gasping]
-Wow!
-[all cheering]
♪
Final set. Match point.
Cho leads 20-17.
HAWKEYE:Let's go, let's go,let's go. Come on.
Come on, come on, come on,come on, come on, come on.
Let's go, Cho!
I haven't seen
a backhand like that
since I tried
an exploratory
on Nurse Baker.
[whistle blows,
crowd groans]
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Match point. 20-18.
Beauty, Cho.
[loud cheering]
-Yeah! We won! Frank, we won!-Aw, fudge!
Frank,
you bet against us.
Well, I gotthree-to-one odds.
IGOR: Take it easy.You'll all get your money.
We're in the champ's
dressing room, folks.
Congratulations, Cho. You
really came through for us.
I did it for the 4077th,Colonel Potter, and apple pie.
Would you like to say a fewwords to the folks at home?
Hello, folks at home.I did it for you, too.
Thanks, champ. Why don't
you take a shower?
I'd rather have cash.
Now, speaking of cash,
I must see my bookie.
Okay, Igor,let me have my money.
I must have paid out too much.
Wait a minute.I'm a winner.
You're lucky.
A lot of guys lost.
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel. Incoming wounded.
All available surgeons to operating room.
Ping-Pong poopers!
They heard we were having
fun, so they attacked.
This war is justone big joke to you,
-isn't it, Dr. Wisenheimer?-Oh, yeah, right, Frank.
I'm laughing all the
way to the blood bank.
Why don't you look
where you're going?
I wasn't moving, Major.You ran into me.
Then why don't you
look where I'm going?
These Occident-proneaccidentals.
They can'tdo anything right.
He didn't look too clumsy
when he was winning
the championship.
If you ask me, the otherguy threw the match.
They stick together, you know.
Like North and South Korea.
You bet against us,
huh, Frank?
At Pearl Harbor, he tookthe Japanese and six points.
Well, he got three-to-one.
It's guys like you that ruina man's reputation.
We're only doing what you'ddo, Frank, if you had time.
Business has reallybeen brisk today.
Word of mouth.
You do good work, onewounded man tells another.
Giving away free ammunitionhasn't hurt business, either.
POTTER:Casualties were greater
than Headquarters anticipated.
Beats me
how the experts
can generally
tell to a man
how many wounded
we're gonna get.
If they're so smart,why don't they find a way
to put a stopto this nonsense?
I can hear every word
you're sayin', Doc.
That's because thefragment is in your rear
instead of your ear.
The anesthetic isn't working.
Relax, soldier.
We haven't given
it to you yet.
I'm Lieutenant ColonelHarold Becket, damn it!
Don't blame me.
I didn't name ya.
It's kind of hard
to tell an officer
from an enlisted manat this angle.
Did you see all those wounded?
They're my boys.
I bet your wife
wanted a girl.
POTTER:Becket? Is that you?
I know that voice.
Harold Becket.
Sherman Po--
you old army mule.
Takes one to know one.
What are you doing here?
He's with a group ofunderprivileged soldiers
that got sent to campfor the summer.
I never expected to seeyour ugly face again.
Just like
the old days, Harold.
You put your
best foot forward,
and they shoot you
where you think.
What does it
look like, Doctor?
Looks like any other butt.
-Nothing serious. -Don'tworry, Colonel.
We'll have thisin a sling in no time.
Have 'em takegood care of me, Sherm.
These boys know
what they're doin'.
We specialize
in officers' butts.
They're trained
in brain surgery.
Oh, God help me.
That's what I'mhere for.
Okay, fill 'erup, angel.
What'll we drink to?
It's now 4:00. Why don't
we drink to 5:00?
We drank to 5:00 yesterday.
-Let's drink to 6:00.
-Ah.
You know, this is
a particularly good brew.
What's the secret?
I used a pair of 1949sweat socks
with matching garters.
No wonder.
This vintage has legs.
[knocking]
-Cho!
-Hey! Come in, champ.
Captains, I am pleased
to introduce to you
my friend Soony.
-How do you do, Soony?
-Hello, Soony.
Come on in. Have a seat.Excuse the mess.
Our houseboy wasdrafted two years ago.
Ohh. Nice.
Nice Swamp.
We were going
to redecorate,
but why put money
into a place when
you're just renting?
You got mess?Soony will clean for you.
-[speaking Korean]
-Ohh!
-Yes. Yes.
-Oh, no, no, no, no.
Soony's a good
housekeeper.
She'll make this place
like a new Swamp.
No, no, no, no, no,please, please.
Don't disturb the dust.It's right where we like it.
I don't know howthis got in here.
-Please.
-Okay.
Don't clean.It makes me nervous.
-Okay.-Soony's looking for a job.
Oh, well, maybe we canhelp her find something
-around here.
-Sure.
Soony can clean anything.
You know, spick-and-span.
How much Englishdo you speak, Soony?
Some of it.
That much?
[knocking]
And I have an
announcement to make.
We're getting married.
Hey!Mixed doubles!
You're welcome.
And you're both invited
to the wedding.
-Thank you.
-Oh, terrific.
-Where's it gonna be?
-I don't know yet.
Soony's village is flatas a pancake from artillery.
She's an orphan.
Maybe you couldget married here.
Would you like that?
[speaking Korean]
Oh, yes. Thank you.
You made Soonyand me very happy.
When do you wantto have the wedding?
As soon as I get enoughmoney for the ring.
How much do youneed for that?
I have 60 American dollars.I need 40 more.
What do you say, Beej?$20 will get you a seat
-on the bride's side.-No Soony said than done.
I always like looking
on the bride side.
My Uncle Lu in Seoulsells jewelry wholesale,
also a little retail.
He has a gold ringwith a big diamond
for a hundred dollars.
Be careful your Uncle Ludoesn't do to you
what our Uncle Samis doing to us.
Oh, no. Uncle Lu isone honest john.
All right, here.You can pay us backwhenever you get it.
I'll pay you back.I'll pay you back right away.
Good-bye, Captain Hawkeye,
Captain B.J.
-Good-bye.
-Good-bye. Good-bye.
Bye-bye, Soony.
You're welcome.
-Ah, well, thank you.-Thank you.
[laughing]
Step on a feather,
Frank?
You're a great judge
of character, Pierce.
Right. I always knew
you didn't have any.
Lending money
to an Oriental.
You can say sayonara
to your moola.
He'll pay us back.
Listen, I wouldn't
lend him a dime
unless he was able toput up some collateral.
Frank, whatever
collateral he had
we blew up last week.
Yeah, smarty-pants.You won't see him again.
A fool and his money
are soon parted.
Somebody's been
using my broom.
Oh, yeah. There was
that little girl
who was in here with
the long blonde curls.
-Ate your porridge.
-Sat on your chair.
Said your bed was just right.
Well, tell her
to knock it off.
Major Burns, sir?
Don't ever sneak upon me like that, twerp!
And especially whenyou're with one of them.
She's one of us, sir.
She may be one of you,but she's not one of me.
Uh, Miss Soony
wants a job, sir.
She's very good
at sweeping floors
and washing dishes.
Doesn't she realizethere's a war going on?
We can't hireanyone without runninga security check.
But she's on our side.
Everyonehas to be cleared.
Even General MacArthur'spipe stuffer
has to be checked out.
She doesn't want
to stuff his pipe.
Corporal, be quiet.
Let me interrogatethe job applicant.
Sit down, please.
Sit, please.
Are you now, or have youever been a member
of a Communistdishwashing organization?
Uh, sir, I don't think
she understands
that question.
Well, what about you?
Well, my mother used
to wash the dishes,
but sometimes I dried.
Oh, cockypop!
How long have youlived in Korea?
Born Korea.
I think that means
all her life, sir.
Have you made anyrecent trips to Russia,
Red China, or Albania?
Sir, she doesn't
have enough money
to get to Seoul.
That's why she
wants a job.
Would you put a corkin it, half-pint!
Unless there's a callfor Philip Morris.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Would you be willingto defend this land
in the event ofan enemy attack?
Sir, the enemy
already attacked.
Stop being a buttinsky!
Why is she smiling?
-I think she likes you, sir.-She does?
[chuckles]
Now none of thoseinscrutable tricks.
Have you any referencesfrom previous employers? Hmm?
Oh, yeah. Papers.
Yes, sir. She has thesepapers and references
from people she worked for.
Uh-huh.
Took care of GeneralHorton's children?
That's right, sir.
Have you any papers
to prove that theseare your papers?
Why would she need
papers to prove--
I told you to stayout of this, runt!
I'm gonna have to dosome checking.
In the meantime,no funny stuff.
Don't try to leavethe country, and, uh...
get out of my chair.
Hiya, Harold. Don't get up.
Hi, Sherm.
I thought you'd forgotten
your old buddy.
I was giving my horsea mambo lesson.
Still got a great sense
of humor, you rascal.
Keeps me from playingwith my toes.
How's your backpocket feel?
Oh, it's cooling off.
Say, uh, if any
of the boys
want something special,just put it on my check.
Well, if they orderan extra pint of blood
during the happy hour,it's on the house.
Sherm, how many years
has it been?
Oh, must be 30 at least.
Remember Camp Grant?
Those two gals wepicked up in Chicago?
[laughter]
What a wild weekend
that was.
As I recall,mine was the cutie.
Yours looked likeMan o' War.
Hey, wait a minute.
I think I married
that girl.
Oh, that's right.Mine looked like Man o' War.
Oh, don't feel bad, Sherm.
It didn't last.
She was okay
for six furlongs,
but she couldn't
go the distance.
The last I heard,you were quarteredback in Washington.
Yeah, buying commodities
for the troops.
Vegetables, fruit, meat.
Oh, so you're the guy.
Somebody didn'tget your order.
I had a hamburgerlast night that whinnied.
It's not my fault.
Everything's overcooked.
Even the milk.
[laughter]
Oh, don't make me
laugh, please.
My butt'll fall off.
What's an old desk jockeylike you doing out here?
Well... I need
30 days on the line
for my Combat Infantry Badge.
Why risk your life for that?
With that in my record,
the boys in Washingtoncan move me up.
I can retire a full colonel.
How long do you figure
I'll be here, Sherm?
I need five
more days up there.
If the fooddoesn't kill ya,
you and your bustedbutt'll be out of here
in less than a week.
There you go.
Why don't we go over
to your place and, uh...
Some other time.
Why don't we go
over to my place
and pretend
we're at your place?
Some other time.
We can some other time
some other time.
Why don't we some other
time it right now?
Too tired. I'm gonnarinse out some things
I may not even take off.
You wash, I'll dry.
-Some other time.
-Some other time.
Soony?
What's the matter, Soony?
Cho not come back.
Oh, he probablyjust stayed to buya wedding present.
Cho will be back.
No. No. Two days.
Not come back.
Well, it looks like your
Marshall Plan backfired.
Your little friend ran
off with your 40 smackers
and left you with
egg foo yung on your face.
No. No.
[sobbing] Never come back.
Well, I hate to say
I told you so,
but I told you so.
Frank, you will never beknown as the Ugly American.
You're overqualified.
RADAR: Hawkeye?
He's first. Prep him.
Hey, it's the champ
in a Korean uniform.
How bad is he?
He won't be playing
Ping-Pong for a while.
-What happened, Cho?
-Big mix-up in Seoul.
-Soony all right?
-She'll be fine now.
Radar, find Soonyand tell her that Cho is back.
Tell her to savesome rice for her wedding.
-Oh, boy.-Can you get the other end?
Yeah.
I was walking down
the street in Seoul.
Two Korean M.P.s grabbed me
and threw me in a truck.
Said, "you drafted."
Shanghaied in Seoul.
Makes you wonder
who the enemy is.
One hour of
basic training,
and they sent me
to the front.
One hourand he's G.I. Cho.
Very punny.
I bought a nice
ring for Soony.
-Where's the ring?
-It's okay.
I put all your possessionsin this ditty bag.
Hey.
Hey, that's
a beauty, Cho.
She'll love that.
Major Houlihan,
you wanna see Soony's
engagement ring?
Ohh. That's very nice.
Really.
Of course, I would neverwear anything that big.
Not with a boyfriend
as chintzy as yours.
Donald isn't cheap.He's conservative.
He's conservingevery penny he's got.
This ring is priceless.
Why don't you put it
in a safe-deposit thimble?
Soony will love
that ring, Cho.
-Thank you.
-Ah.
I see the con man's back.
What's he doing
in a Korean uniform?
Getting shot at, Frank.
You ought to try itsome time.
I think we ought
to run a check.
Check, check, check!
You'd run a check
on your own mother.
Well, if she
was an Oriental
Ping-Pong player,
you bet I would.
Why don't you check
yourself into a closet?
Why hasn't he been moved
out to the 121st evac?
Because he's inguarded condition, Frank.
That's doctor talk.
Yeah, and you Eastern
liberals are his guards.
He should be moved out.
We could use his bed
for one of our own.
Frank, everyone who's sickhas a bed, except you.
Look who's talking,
tubercular head.
Now that's doctor talk.
Pierce, you knowwhat this is?
Another paternity suit?
-Close.
-A paternity hat?
It's a declarationof war.
A list of grievancesagainst you,
signed by Major Burns.
I plead guilty,
and I'd like
to throw myself on the
mercy of Nurse Able.
We all know when the goodLord passed out paranoia,
Frank Burns got in line twice.
Three times. Thank you.
The third time to denyhe'd ever been in line.
Burns is threateningto call General Harrelson.
Now, why hasn't Cho
been sent back down
to the 121st hospital likethe rest of the post-ops?
-Uh...
-Colonel,
we took a piece of shrapnelout of his shoulder,
and, uh, complicationshave set in.
What complications?
He wantsto get married.
Doctors,
in 16 months, three weeks,and four days,
I expect to be
standing on my patio
back in Nebraska, barbecuing.
Why are you wetting
on my charcoal?
Ah, come on, Colonel.
You know how sentimentalyou are about weddings.
Yes, when they're
in my own family.
Exactly. At the
wedding tomorrow,
you're giving away
the bride.
I am? Well, whydidn't you tell me?
-I just thought of it.
-Radar.
Have the colonel's dress
uniform pressed right away.
Have my dress uniformpressed right away. Okay.
So I'm the father
of the bride.
Ah, I wish Mother was here.
She loves to cry.
This is SergeantBlanchard.
Tell Captain Piercewhat you told me.
Are you sure he's okay?
He's not okay,but you can trust him.
All right.
[sigh]
All right, they can
court-martial me if
they want, but...
if it wasn't for that
stupid Colonel Becket,
I wouldn't be here now.
And most of the
rest of these guys
wouldn't be here,
either.
What are you talking about?
Becket's incompetent.
He nearly got us all killed.
[sigh] How could they
send an office boy up
to lead combat troops?
What did he do?
He choked.
When the enemy hit us
with the big stuff,
the colonel panicked.
He-He didn't react
when the orders
came up to withdraw.
Can you believe that?
Why would theygive him a command?
As a birthday present.
That's close.
His pals gave it to him.
He needs five more days to,uh, get his Infantry Badge.
Then they promote him,and he retires a full colonel.
And a lot of kids
retire permanently.
Becket stood there,
screaming orders out
of an army manual.
The men were
laughing at him.
[sighs]
Well, none of 'em
are laughing now.
Is Potter asleep now?
Yeah. We'll hit himwith this tomorrow.
Either way, it's gonna
be a rude awakening.
Another ringer, sir.
I don't understandhow you do it, Klinger.
Well, sir,
I learned to throw
horseshoes in Toledo.
What's that gotto do with it?
We didn't throw 'em
for fun.
We threw 'em
in self-defense.
-Another game, sir? -Nope.
Don't want to be beatenfive times in a row
by somebody in a skirt.
Colonel, we'd like a word.
Take any word you want.
It's yours.
How about "stupidity?"
I like "criminal
stupidity" better.
What are you two talking about?
We're talking about
Colonel Harold Becket.
Better hang on tothat horseshoe, Colonel.
You might want to wrapit around his neck.
The way I've been playing,
I'd probably miss.
[clank]
I gather you
don't like him.
You gather correctly.
He's an old friend
of mine, you know.
He'd have to be
an old friend.
He can't
make any new ones.
Ma'am, I gotta feed
my guinea pig.
-Are you finished?
-No,
and for heaven's sake,stand still.
[sigh] Boy.
Why do I have to do this?
Why don't you get Klinger?
He's good at it.
Because you'rethe bride's size. Don't move!
Oh, I think I hate this.
You know, back home,
this kind of thing
doesn't go over too big.
You never
looked better.
We had this guy back home
who used to wear dressesjust like Klinger,
only he wasn't in the army,if you know what I mean.
-To each his own.
-Yeah. One day,
this guy Boris is walking
down the street
with a cotton dress,
carrying an umbrella,
and my Uncle Ed walks upto him and calls him a sissy.
And then pow! He punches
him right in the nose
and flattens him.
Your uncle Edpunched Boris?
No, Boris flattened
my uncle Ed.
Hi, honey. I'm home.
Come on, guys.
He hates it when you
call him "honey"
in front of strangers.
[imitating Humphrey Bogart]Listen, sweetheart,
what are you doingafter the wedding?
Will you guys cut it out!
Ma'am, are you
finished, please?
My-my palms are sweating,
and it's spreading
all over my whole body.
Just a minute,Corporal.
Hey, what's going on?
Hey, Klinger,
this isn't my idea.
I don't care whose idea it is.
You're working my side
of the street.
Aw, it'll just take a minute.
How would you like it
if I slept
with a teddy bear?
Klinger, beat it.
Nobody wears thathigh-waisted bodice anymore.
Major, can I see
you for a minute?
Uh, excuse me, madam.
I'm not a madam.
I'm a corporal.
What are you doing
in that dress?
Sweating, sir.
Frank, can youcome back later?
Can't you seeI'm busy?
Margaret, I have
to talk to you.
What I have to say
is important.
Oh, all right.
Radar, you move, I'llstick a pin in your leg.
All right, Frank.
What's so important?
Margaret, yesterday we hada smooth-running war here.
Today nothing makes sense.What's going on?
A wedding's going on, Frank.That's what's going on.
I don't think the Americantaxpayer should pay
for the weddingbetween two pagans.
They're not pagans, Frank.Everybody's wearing clothes.
I basically oppose theseimpulsive wartime marriages.
Especially if it cuts into
your impulsive
wartime maneuvers.
Oh! I know what you thinkI'm saying, Margaret,
but I'm not saying that.
I know what you're
saying, and you know
what I'm saying about
what you're saying.
You didn't have to say that.
-[scoffs]
-Margaret!
Look, couldn't we
go over to your tent
and talk this over?
My tent is off limitsto you, Frank.
-Margaret.
-Frank,
you can move your handor lose it.
Morning, Harold.
How you doin'?
Ah, fine, Sherm.
Couple of days, I'll beback on my seat again.
Tell me about
your duty on the line.
What happened up there?
Well, it was rough.
We got clomped
pretty good.
I think Army Intelligencelet us down.
Army Intelligence, huh?
I hear you screwed up.
You blew it.
What are you talking about?
You were ordered to
withdraw, and you froze.
Listen, Sherm.
The pressure was incredible.
I'll admit I could
have done better.
But I did pretty good
for a guy
who hasn't seenany action in 25 years.
You don't belong
up there, Harold.
You belong back
in Washington buying
meat and potatoes.
Okay, combat's
not my specialty.
I'm just up there because Ineed my Combat Infantry Badge.
-You're not gonna get it.-What are you talking about?
You're not going back.
I'm sending you down.
I just need five
more days, Sherm.
Five more days
for a promotion.
Don't mess that up.
I don't give a damn
about your promotion
or your lousy C.I.B.
All I care about is those kids.
Please, Sherm.We're old friends.
I don't care if it costs me
every friend I've got.
If one kid gets hurt,
the price is too high.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm due at a wedding.
I'm giving the bride away.
[music playing]
They won't get
away with it.
General Harrelson
will hear about this.
Oh, shut up.
As I understand the Buddhistwedding ceremony,
the groom usually arriveson a small white pony.
MULCAHY: It's a silent ceremony. No words are spoken.
After the groom approaches the bride,
a helper pours rice wine for both of them.
They drink.
They bow to one another.
The groom places the ring on the bride's finger.
And they are married.
[all cheering]
I'm sorry, sir.I'm really sorry.
Don't apologize
for winning.
What's the score?
20-18. I'm so sorry.
It doesn't matter whetheryou win or lose the game.
It's how you get
court-martialed!
You mean that, sir?
Of course not, Radar. Play.
Let's make it
two out of three.
How many points
you gonna spot me?
-Same as last game: 18.-Okay.
-I'm sorry.
-Oh, shut up!
[theme music playing]