M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 4, Episode 18 - Hawkeye - full transcript

Hawkeye Pierce, going solo, has an accident with a Jeep, and is rescued by a South Korean family. To prevent himself from succumbing to a concussion, Hawkeye begins talking endlessly to the family, who can't understand a word he's saying.

[Children Laughing]

[Honking Horn]

- [Tires Screeching]
- [Loud Crash]

[Barks]

[Speaking Korean]

Easy. Are you all right?

I didn't see you till the last second.
You shouldn't play in the road like that.

Wait a minute. I want my bag.

Here. Hold it.
You wanna take that.

I was on my way back to camp,
you know, from an aid station.

Not so fast, kids. Easy.



[Girl Speaking Korean]

[Korean]

Please don't fight.
Okay. Don't fight.

- Please, I hate coming home to a fight.
- [Korean]

I don't suppose anybody
speaks English here, huh?

English? You speak English?

You speak English?
I speak a little Korean...

but just enough
to get my face slapped.

[Groans]
Can I have that bag, please?

The bag. Yeah. That's it.
That's the one. On the floor.
Right. With the red cross.

Thank you.

I'm a doctor.
You know? Doctor?

How can I make you
understand "doctor"?

Maybe if I sent you a bill
or an old magazine.



Here. Look. See?
I'm with the 4077 th.

4077. You know?

American army hospital.
G.I. Joe. You know?

The good guys. Doris Day.

#You smile, a song begins
You speak, and I hear violins #

# It's magic ##

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

No offense, ma'am, but the water
here has enough germs in it
you could sell it by the slice.

[Shouting In Korean]

Please don't holler.
I have an enormous pain in my head.

It's really enormous.
You could sell advertising space on it.

You know? Advertising?
#Halo, everybody, Halo ##

The 4077. It's about 20 miles
south of here in Oijongbu.

Oh. Oijongbu.

Oh. Oijongbu.

- Oijongbu.
- Oijongbu. Oijongbu. You know?

Oijongbu, Korea. Right?

All right. I'm writing to them.
I'm telling them to come
and get me because I'm hurt.

I must be, because I'm a doctor,
and it says right here I'm hurt.

I want somebody to take this note
to the 4077 th in Oijongbu.

- Oijongbu.
- Oijongbu. Fast. As fast as you can go.

Please. Go fast.
Go as fast as you can.

Please. Go fast.
Go as fast as you can.

- Does she know where Oijongbu is?
- Oijongbu?

Oh, great.

Uh-oh.

Uh, we may have
a little problem here, folks.

My head is bleeding.
I'm sweating.

My pulse feels like
it's playing "The Minute Waltz."

Oh. Look at him.
And I thought I was in trouble.

What you may have here is you may
have a seat at a public concussion.

[Korean]

I gotta hold on.
I don't want to lose consciousness.

I have a feeling if I go to
sleep here, I'm gonna wake up
at the family plot in Maine.

People come from all over the state
to look at our tombstones.

The Pierces have been
in Maine since 1680.

Some of them are dead now.

1680! Huh.

We came over early.

Alexander Pierce played piano
in the cocktail lounge on the Mayflower.

But getting back to me,
concussion-wise...

just talking off the top of
my possibly late, great skull...

Oh, thanks.

I have eight bones in my head.

You do too. It's notjust because
I make $400 a month.

But what my problem is now,
mainly, is that one of my bones
may have split two for one.

You'd be getting a check soon
if you had stock in my head.

[Groans]

[Groans]
Believe me, this hurts me
a lot more than it hurts me.

But enough of this technical talk.

Putting it simply, what has happened is
I have suffered a blow...

to my occipital bone right where
it articulates with the parietal.

What that's called is
that's called a contrecoup.

[Groans Softly]

See, what's happened here is
that my brain has sloshed over
to the other side of my skull...

and is right now, even while
I'm talking to you, turning purple.

You may have noticed certain
purple patches of literary
excess in my spoken word.

But don't worry. I'll keep it clean
in front of the children.

Actually, class...

it is a medical fact that there is
no danger of dying...

if you fall asleep
while you have a concussion.

On the other hand, I have
a reason for staying awake...

which is that I'm afraid I'll die if
I fall asleep while I have a concussion.

I'm just gonna keep talking, all right?

I remember at a party once
in college I got sick on beer.

So, what happened was
this football player...

this big football player
came over to me...

this guy named, uh,
Tank O'Melinski...

Big guy. You may remember him.
He was almost made all-American.

Yeah. That's the one.
So, anyway, uh...

Tank came over and he said,
"Hold onto yourself."

He said, "Hang on to reality.
Don't get sick.

If you let yourself go,
you're finished. Just hold on."

I threw up all over his shoes.

Nice guy.
Beat the hell out of me.

Did I tell you that
th-th-the skull has eight bones?

It does, you know.
Have I ever lied to you?

The occipital, the temporal...

uh, the frontal, two temporal, sphenoid,
ethmoid, two parietal.

Why do I have the feeling I'm losing you?
Look, forget about my skull.

Forget about my concussion.
A person needs a concussion like
he needs a hole in the head.

Let's keep it light.
# I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy #

# Yankee Doodle do or die #

I can't dance. My head hurts.

# I can't dance
My head hurts #

# I can't dance
My head hurts ##

That smells terrific.

You'd laugh if I told you what I have
a taste for right now. You ready?

A small piece of whitefish...

or some herring
in sour cream with onions.

Marinated herring. Mmm.

When I was in medical school
trying to remember how many
bones I have in my head...

I spent an untold number
of hours at the fabulous
Sol and Sol's Delicatessen.

Not the Sol and Sol's on Third Avenue.
The original Sol and Sol's.

They were brothers.
Sol and Sol.

Nobody could ever figure out
why their parents gave them
both the same name.

Anyway, after a day
of cutting up the odd cadaver...

and while the parts and organs
of the body were rattling
around in my head...

I would dissect a whitefish.

You may have your moments
that you hold dear...

my good sir, madam,
ma'am, children, fellow chickens.

Your hearts may flutter
as your flag unfurls.

Your breaths may quicken
to your national anthem...

but for myself, I shall never forget
the ease, the grace, the earnestness...

with which that whitefish
gave itself up to me.

One eye turned chastely
toward its plate.

The other staring unconcerned
at its consumer: Me,
Benjamin Franklin Pierce, M.D.

"Mental Deficient."

As casually...
almost thoughtlessly...

Yes, [Chuckles]
Even wantonly...

I devoured it.

And without a murmur of dissent...

without so much as a whitefish whimper...
it gave itself up to me.

Its very molecules of protein
melding with my own until today.
That whitefish sings to you.

# I'm a Yankee Doodle Herring #

#Yankee Doodle, do or die #

Not bad, huh? You thought
I was gonna be lousy.

#Yankee Doodle went to London
riding on a pony #

# I am that Yankee Doodle
boy-y-y-y-y ##

I always had
certain problems with pitch.

Though it's very hard
when I'm half dead like this.

I'll be much better later
when I'm immortal.

Well, enough about me.
Let's talk about you.
How do you like me so far?

- I wanted to say something. What was it?
- [Man Speaking Korean]

[Korean]

No, I'll think of it.
Don't help me.

Uh, Yankee Doodle,
occipital, whitefish...

Oh. Oh, yeah. I remember.
Sol and Sol's. Yeah.

They had the most fantastic
waitress in there.

I mean fantastic.

Her name was Lefty.

I think she was, uh, Sol's daughter.

Sol's. Not Sol's. I went with her
my last year at medical school.

After she finished work,
I'd sneak her into the dorm.

What a terrific kid.

And talk about
your parts of the body.

This girl was built
like a brick autopsy.

I'm making you crazy, right?

I'll tell you later.
Here comes the wife.

For me?
Oh. It's some moonshine.

Thank you.
That's very generous of you.

I really shouldn't drink it though.
Maybe just a little.

- [Korean]
- [Korean]

[Coughing]
That's, uh, terrific.

Battery acid, right?

- [Children Giggling]
- [Coughing]

Beautiful kids.
I wish I had something for you.

Some "presento" or something.
I don't have a present.

Oh, wait. Maybe I do.
Wait a minute. In my bag.

You're, uh,
brother and sister, right?

I'm an only child. No siblings.

I guess after they had me my parents
decided not to "sibble" anymore.

Here we go.

It's not much,
but it's really nothing.

We fool around at the hospital
with these a lot.

Uh-huh. I think you
better blow this up.
I'm not a big fan of fainting.

Just think of it
as a balloon with fingers.

Or an udder
in search of a cow.

That's "udderly" ridiculous.
If they don't come soon
and put a Band-Aid on my memory...

it's gonna all
come spilling out.

Good. That's enough.
Let me have it.

Why do I have the feeling
that my entire life is
knocking on my tongue...

trying to come out
between my teeth?

There we go.

There.
[Chuckling]

[Korean]

Eh? Oh, yeah. Good. Okay.

Go outside and play
where there's plenty
of fresh air and land mines.

We're not taking those
land mines with us when we go,
you know. They're yours.

Kids. Nice.

I had a nice "kidhood."

You knew where you stood
in those days.

Franklin Roosevelt
was always the president.
Joe Louis was always the champ.

And Paul Muni
played everybody.

Eloise McKay. Eighth grade.
You have to understand.
Those were the old days.

We were brought up
to think that girls were
different, and I was young.

I mean, girls were martians.

Eloise McKay let me touch her slip.
She brought it to school in a box...

and I took it behind the science
building and touched it.

That was it. The whole transaction
could have been conducted by mail.

I hope I haven't shocked anyone.
I mean, we're all adults here.

By the way, I'm a doctor,
and I can tell you for certain
that you're pregnant.

And we know what
causes that nowadays too.

The smartest doctor
I ever knew was Samuel Sacks,
head of our medical school.

What a terrific guy. I remember
one day a student was talking
to him, and he said...

"Doctor, what would you do
if a patient died just
as he was leaving your office?"

Without missing a beat, Sacks
said, "I'd turn him around so it
would look like he was coming in."

A lovely man.

Do you know who I hated?
Mrs. Tomassino, my geometry teacher.

She terrified me. She stood over me
in the front row with this big yardstick.

I used to look up into her nose.

She had three nostrils.

I guess she thought it was
symmetrical or something.

But she was really nice
if I got something wrong.

She was very helpful.
She'd look down at me and say...

- [Shouts] "You got it wrong!"
- [Dog Barking]

- [Shouts] "You got it wrong!"
- [Dog Barking]

- No, that's all right.
- [Barking]

- That's okay.
She's not here now.
- [Barks]

I really didn't need that yelling.

I wish I wasn't standing so close
to me when I said that.

They really ought to
be here by now.

Somebody from the camp.
I'm gonna go wait in the lobby.

Uh, just talk among
yourselves, huh?

Maybe they're never coming.

Maybe this is it for me.

I'm Ronald Colman,
and this is my Lost Horizon.

And you're Margo.

I guess you never
saw that movie, eh?

You probably never see any.

You really ought to, you know.
There have been some great ox movies.

The Ox-Bow Incident...

A Yank at Oxford...

"The Wizard of Ox"?

"Cow Green was My Valley"?
No, that's cheap.

[Groans]

Come on, Radar.

Come on. Somebody.

Anybody.

Nothing. Nobody.
I can't understand it.

Sorry. Here.

I don't wanna get any dirt
on your wall-to-wall dirt.

[Chuckles]
There's a nice bit of chauvinism.

But I always say, there's
no "vinism" like chauvinism.

# Like no "vinism" I know ##

Merman.

Did I tell you I used to have
a practice back in Boston?

Before I came over here
to work for Harry Truman.

The doctor tell you
to stay away from tobacco?
[Laughing]

You know the great thing
about Boston?

It's where all the musicals come to
try out before they go on to Broadway.

- [Korean]
- Yeah. To fix the book. Add a few songs.

Stuff like that. I saw
all the great ones there.

Oklahoma. King and I. South Pacific.

[In A Deep Voice]
# Some enchanted evening #

#You may meet a stranger #

You know what was great about that?
The way he did the ending.

# Once you have found her
never let her go #

# Once you have found her #

# Never let her #

- # Go #
- [Dog Howling]

I think your dog is better.

I didn't just see hits there
though, you know.

Before I left, I saw this real turkey.

A musical. Up Your Love.

I remember the big song
from that show... a ballad.

#You're mine, I'm yours
We're ours #

#Who but you, who but me
could be us better than we ##

It was a real turkey.
Closed at intermission.

I love the theater,
but I never come late.

That's why the doctor is a tramp.

And what's wrong with drama?

Watch this. Watch this.
You're gonna love this one. Watch this.

Laurence Olivier. Richard III.

Now is the winter
of our discontent...

made glorious summer
by this sun of York.

Now that's really good.
Let's hear your dog do that.

Come on. Bring him in. Come on.

[Man Speaking Korean]

Huh? What? Forgive me.
I don't understand what you're saying.

I'm sorry. I didn't know
I was standing in the dining car.

Can I help you?
[Groans]

[Korean]

- [Woman Laughing]
- [Korean]

- What?
- [Korean]

Oh. Thank you. Okay.
Thank you. I don't know why
nobody's here yet.

I'm sorry. Sometimes the war
hots up and the hospital gets
very busy, you know.

Then at other times you could
shoot off a cannon in there.

Of course, when they do that,
then the war hots up all over again.

- [Korean]
- I get the feeling I'm speaking
in ever-diminishing circles...

until I disappear
up my own mouth-hole.

- [Korean]
- Thank you. Oh, this is wonderful.

I'm glad I called ahead
for a reservation.

- [Korean]
- [Korean]

Mmm. Good.

- Aaah. Hot. Spicy.
- [Korean]

Your baby's gonna need
asbestos diapers.

[Huffs]

Pretty soon, huh?

Don't you sometimes wonder
about babies?

I mean, how do they know
what to do in there?

They start out looking like
little, hairless mice, and
they wind up looking like us.

How's it all work?

I've... I've held
a beating heart in my hand.

I've poked into kidneys and
crocheted them together again.

I've pushed air into collapsed lungs
like beat-up old pump organs.

I've squeezed and probed
and prodded my way...

through hundreds of miles
of gut and goo...

and I don't know
what makes us live.

I mean, what keeps us in motion?

What keeps the heart beating
without anybody rewinding it?

Why do the cells reproduce
and "re-re-reproduce"
with such gay abandon?

What force brought us
together in such fantastic complexity?

I've seen a lot of bodies...

and they never cease to amaze me.

Did you ever see
Ann Corio or Margie Hart?

Strippers.

For a long time it was a toss-up whether
I'd marry a stripper or a whitefish.

I remember Polly O'Day.

She worked with a parrot.
He didn't help her strip or anything.

While she got undressed,
he stood on the side and talked dirty.

It was an exciting act.
What a body.

She was built great too.

[Korean]

Yeah. But what I don't understand is
how she got that way...

anymore than how we did.

Look at your hand.
It's one of the most incredible
instruments in the universe.

Of all the bones in the body,
one fourth are in the hand.

Forget the hand.
Look at your thumb...

that wondrous mechanism that
separates us from the other animals.

The world-famous opposable thumb,
that amazing device...

that has transported more students
to college than the Boston post road.

Ideal for sucking,
especially as a baby.

And lauded in song and story
as the perfect instrument
for pulling out a plum.

Or, in the case of the Caesars,
for holding it down for
the gladiator to die...

or holding it up, which means
"See you later at the orgy."

My friends, for getting up and down
the pike, in your pie, in your eye...

I give you the thumb.

Have you any idea, Farmer Brown,
of the incredible complexity...

of this piece
of human apparatus?

[Korean]

Of course not. Never having spent
any time at Sol and Sol's...

swilling borscht and jamming
Latin into your brain...

while trying to imagine
if Lefty the waitress
is wearing a garter belt...

you have no idea of the balletic
interplay of parts that
make up the human thumb.

The flexor ossis metacarpi pollicis
flexes the metacarpal bone.

That is, draws it inward
over the palm...

thus producing
the movement of opposition...

and the Boy Scout salute.

Because of this
magical engineering, we could do this.

And this.

[Coughing]
And this.

But our greatest triumph comes not
from flexing the metacarpal bone...

and making a fist, which always seems
to be thirsting to be clenched...

No, no, no, no, no.

Our greatest moment
is when we open our hand...

cradling a glass of wine,
cupping a loved one's chin.

And the best...

the most expert of all...

keeping all the objects of our life
in the air at the same time.

My friends, for your
amusement and bemusement,
I give you the human person.

Thumb and fingers flexing
madly, straining to keep aloft
the leaden realities of life...

ignorance, death and madness.

Thus we create for ourselves
the illusion that we have power...

that we are in control,
that we are... loved.

[Korean]

Thank you. For my next trick, I will
attempt to become stiff as a board.

I hate to eat and faint, but I don't know
if I can even make it down to my knees.

[Horn Honking]

That's him. It's gotta be. Radar!

- [Dog Barking]
- Lassie, it's Radar!

I'll be right there. Wait a second.
Give me my stuff, will you?

Wait a minute. Don't...
Wait a minute. My shoes.
Thank you. Thank you.

[Korean]

Thank you.
The love I'll leave with you.

[Korean]

Take care.
Good-bye, Margo.

[Vehicle Departing]

- Anybody home? [Korean]
- [All Speaking Korean]

You get it?
"I have returned to Korea."

I brought you some "presentos."
For vegetables. Very good.

- [Korean]
- You're welcome.

Kids, some comics
and some candy.

Not very good for you.
You better eat the comics
and read the candy.

Sir, some tobacco.

I think you'll find it's a little better
than the manure you've been smoking.

- [Korean]
- Thank you.

Here's my name
and my unit in Korean.

I want you to contact me
when it's time for the baby, okay?

- [Korean]
- Boy, that smells delicious.

What are you cooking?
What is that?

- [Korean]
- Oh, thank you.

That smells so good.

Mmm. Meat.
Where did you get meat?

Wait a minute.
Where's the dog?

- [Dog Barking]
- Oh, it's delicious.

What do you put in it?