M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 4, Episode 16 - Dear Ma - full transcript
This time, it is Radar writing home to his Ma. Radar is helping with company foot inspections (20,000 toes) and Potter gets a 100% rating. Radar compares Potter to the man he thinks his own father might have been, had he not died. Radar thinks his Ma would get a kick out of Klinger, too. Clean-cut BJ is a soft touch with an apple pie face and a big heart. Radar gets a guinea pig for a pet and he encounters a North Korean sniper with a Russian gun in the Mess tent. Col. Potter and Hotlips take off for Kha Doc to treat the old and sick. Mrs. Potter calls him just after he leaves; she had a premonition that something would happen to the Colonel. Radar thinks his Ma would really like crazy Hawkeye, who is so smart and a great doctor, but who often does things like gluing Frank's boots to two bedpans after having to amputate a soldier's leg. Margaret comes tearing into camp with an injured Colonel; Potter compliments her by comparing her with his Mildred, who he says is equally unruffled and calm in a crisis. The Colonel was shot in his rear echelon, but he still watches his surgery with a mirror in one hand and a phone to Mildred in the other. BJ's con artist patient returns for more surgery. When Hawkeye does the last foot inspection, he finds a pair of male feet with glossy nail polish...and they do not belong to Klinger!
[Thinking]
"Dear Ma. This is your boy here again...
"still fine with the U.S. Army
in South Korea...
"and hoping you are the same.
"As usual, I am writing real slow,
'cause I know you can't read fast.
"Your package and letter
arrived this morning.
"The cake and cookies and
the underwear were all delicious.
"I was sorry to hear Uncle Ed
went off the wagon on his hunting trip.
"I sure hope he'll be able to play
the pump organ without those toes.
"I apologize for not answering
sooner before, Ma.
"It's just I do a heck of a lot
of writing in my job here.
"I got about the smallest pencil
in the camp.
"Take like last week.
Top of all my other duties...
"which I got
too many already...
I had to help Captain Pierce give
everybody a monthly foot inspection."
- Terrific-looking toes, Colonel.
- Thank you, Pierce.
- Have you ever thought
of studying piano?
- [Laughing]
N-Not there, Pierce!
[Giggling]
- Should I write down ticklish, Captain?
- No, no.
Merely indicates the patient is
highly oversexed, right, Colonel?
[Potter, Hawkeye Laughing]
- How do they look, Pierce?
- You have the feet of a teenager.
Now we know why Mrs. Potter's
smiling in her picture.
Learned about foot care
in World War One.
From Capt. Harry S. Truman, no less.
He had a great pair of feet.
Imprints of which may be seen
on Gen. MacArthur's backside.
- Colonel gets a hundred percent, Radar.
- Oh, good.
That's very good, sir.
A hundred percent!
Well, good feet run in my family,
except for my Uncle Ben.
He had two extra toes.
Used to have to make little
leather sidecars for his shoes.
Thank you, Colonel.
Come along, Robin.
"Colonel Potter, who I was really
worried would I like, I really do.
"He's okay and a good egg.
"I think he's how Pop would've been
if he hadn't died when I was little.
"I never told you, but it used to
make me mad that Pop died...
"until I finally realized
dying wasn't his idea.
"Another one of my jobs is helping
patients go to other hospitals...
"or back to their units after we finish
with their surgery and stuff.
"Corporal Klinger was
helping evac the other night.
You'd like Klinger, Ma.
He looks a little bit like
Aunt Jean before electrolysis. "
- Asher, Harold. Private.
- Asher, Private. Right.
Have a good ride. We don't want
to see you back here again.
- So keep down low.
- How goes the psycho business, Klinger?
I wrote General Ridgway I love him,
and asked him to be my husband.
- [Chuckles] You mad thing.
- His aide wrote back.
- The general's happily married.
- Maybe they'll have a fight.
- Yeah.
- [Man On P.A.] Attention.
Attention post-op personnel.
The evac bus is loading
and ready to go.
All aboard, whoever's leaving.
Hey, Doc. Sergeant Callan.
You know.
You took the shrapnel
out of my chest.
- I've got it pressed in my memory book.
- You got a second, Doc?
- You feel all right?
- I feel fine.
It's the wife, Doc.
She's not so hot.
She's gotta have an operation...
you know, woman stuff.
I studied "Woman Stuff"...
One and Two.
My problem is loot. I don't have
enough for the operation...
- and she's gotta have it right away.
- Uh-huh.
- I wonder if you could help me.
- I'll be glad to operate on her free...
- if they'll let me fly home.
- If I could just get her some cash.
I never lend my patients money.
Reduced life spans.
This watch cost me
$150 at the Tokyo P.X.
- Give me what you want for it.
- I got a watch!
- Thirty dollars and it's yours.
- [Door Closing]
All full up!
Ready to roll!
It's self-winding,
tells you the date. Twenty dollars!
- S-Sergeant...
- It's a $150 watch!
- Look, Ser...
- I wouldn't do this if it weren't
for my wife's plumbing.
- L...
- Take it. Fifteen. Take it.
Here, is, uh...
Twenty bucks is all I got.
- God bless, you, sir. God bless you.
- You're welcome, Sergeant.
Good evening, sir.
I'm with the Department
of Water and Power.
- I'm here to read your feet.
- Ah!
If you'll just
step into my... crate...
- What's that, a new watch?
- Yeah. Got it off a patient.
Twenty bucks!
Goes for 150.
- The patient had to send
the money home, right?
- How'd you know?
His kid outgrew his tonsils
and needs a set of new ones?
The cat needs
a "whiskerectomy?"
- I got taken?
- We gotta do something about
that apple-pie-and-hot-dog face.
No works. It's empty!
See, what you got there
is either a pill box with hands...
or a lunch pail
for Munchkins!
- I feel like an idiot.
- Go with the feeling.
- And I operated on that guy's chest!
- [Laughing]
See, what we'll do
is we'll get the guy...
- and we'll put the shrapnel back in!
- You're a lot of help.
- You ready, sir?
- That's a loaded question, Radar.
It's past time to go check
Major Houlihan's feet.
Ah, yes! The major's
clustered tootsies.
You think she'll believe it that a kiss
on the instep improves circulation?
- I believed this was a watch.
- I'll do you at 9:00.
- How will I know?
- Lead on, MacDuff.
Who?
You better be prepared
to explain that.
Want to buy a watch?
Major Houlihan's tent.
Ah, if this canvas could only talk.
- [Knocking]
- Major?
- Who is it?
- Time to have your feet "Pierced."
- Later.
- Sorry, Major, there's no later.
The future's been cancelled
by the War Department.
They're just gonna replay the past.
[Sighing, Feet Shuffling]
[Feet Stomping, Clothes Rustling]
She's not alone.
Give me two guesses.
Senator McCarthy? Martin Bormann?
- Major Burns.
- I was right!
Come in.
- Hello, Frank.
- I was just leaving!
- That's gonna be difficult, isn't it?
- Huh?
- You tied your boot to the table.
- Oh, sure.
You were supposed to inspect
my feet this morning.
Sorry, there was a parade
on 5th Avenue. The Sons and
Daughters of Mickey Rooney.
Stick around, Frank.
I'll do you after Margaret.
I wouldn't let you touch
my feet with a ten-foot pole!
Radar, cancel the ten-foot pole.
"Stretch" Pulaski...
tallest Pole you ever saw.
Thanks for letting me come by
only to pick up the manual, Major.
The manual.
You kids still using the manual?
I think you could throw away
the book by now.
Oh, watch your mouth...
in front of the help.
Can we get on with it?
Take it easy, Major.
Your feet aren't going
anywhere without you.
- Ready, Radar?
- Uh, ready, sir.
Now, then, madame, what did you
have in mind? A pump? A sandal?
A back-to-school shoe?
Doctor, I have a dozen specimens
waiting for me in the lab.
You were smart to call ahead.
Report on Houlihan, Margaret, Major.
By Pierce, B.F., Captain.
I'm getting a little crazy,
backwards, talking.
Isn't that a pretty foot, Corporal?
I wouldn't know, sir.
I'm not a doctor.
However, a wee bit of fungus...
two bunions, one corn,
light on the mayo,
hold the chili and onions.
Ankle's a bit swollen.
You retaining water?
My water is none of your affair.
Radar, get me some
potassium permanganate
for the major's feet.
I'll spread it on for you.
It's more fungus that way.
- Don't you wish.
- Uh, well, sir, I'll meet you
at the next feet.
No, no, Radar, stay.
The law requires that
a third person be present...
when I'm examining feet
of the female sex.
Violation could result
in my death by hangnail.
Oh, take your pan and get out!
Bossy boots.
"It's later now
than it was before, Ma...
"and I'm having a cup
of coffee in the mess tent.
"Colonel Potter has them
make it real strong.
[Gasps]
"He says it grows hair
on your saddle horn.
Speaking of where I am,
a really weird thing happened
in here the other day."
Grits. Peas. Corn.
Potatoes. Ham.
- Boy, you think of everything.
- That's why I get the big money.
Next!
[Jets Roaring Overhead]
- Anyone sitting here?
- No. No one.
[Laughing]
I forgot to put coffee in my...
cup.
[Mumbles]
Boy, you must be starved, guy.
[Speaking Korean]
Hey! What funny printing on there.
All the R's and the P's
are backwards.
Wow! That's a Russian gun.
- You lucky pup! That's a great souvenir.
- [Korean]
All I got so far is a small ivory Jesus
for my mama's car.
Yeah, he's tops
in our religion, you know.
Boy, I'd give anything
for one of these Russian babies.
[Shouting In Korean]
I didn't mean anything. Hey.!
- Hey! Wait a minute!
- [Grunting]
- You ignatz!
- Sir, there was just a Korean in here.
This country is crawling
with Koreans.
You can't swing a dead cat
without hitting a Korean.
You're going on report
for this, you little puke!
- Can I help, sir?
- You keep out of this, bugle beak!
I spent an hour going over
this shirt with a hot rock.
Sir, it was a North Korean!
I didn't realize until after he left!
He had a Russian gun
and everything.
A commie? In here?
Sometimes they do that.
Their snipers get hungry.
After shooting at our guys,
they got the guts to eat our grits?
And you let him get away,
you little pantywaist!
If I'd have been here,
I'd have given him a good thrashing!
- Sir, they know judo!
- Religion has nothing to do with it.
Better not try it again.
He'll probably keep the tray too.
[Radar]
"Monday night, Colonel Potter
and Major Houlihan...
"went into Kha Doc,
which is a native village.
"We go once a month to treat
the sick, old and ill.
"I could've gone, but last time I went,
they served grasshoppers and rice.
"I don't mind that,
but the sauce made me sick.
I think it's Mexican. "
- Well, I guess that's about it. Radar?
- Yes, sir?
- Everything's gonna run smooth...
- Make sure everything runs
smooth until I get back.
- You got everything, sir?
- Blankets, medical supplies,
ketchup for the grasshoppers.
- [Laughing]
- Keep the whitewash away
from Major Burns.
I don't want to see one painted rock
when I come back.
And make sure no one
goes into my tent.
- I wouldn't do that, ma'am.
- Somebody does.
- Maybe it's rats.
- You think rats have been
trying on my undies?
Some of them rats are weird.
You be careful
on the road now, sir.
- We've got reports of snipers.
- Can't kill a regular army man.
Head's too thick.
Yo-o!
[Man On P.A.]
Corporal O'Reilly,
please answer your phone.
- Corporal O'Reilly,
your phone's running over.
- I'll take the whitewash, sir.
- He said no?
- He said no.
Ah, Frank. Just in time
for your foot inspection.
- I'm short ten toes, and they're yours.
- Forget it, twerp!
Watch it, Frank.
I read lips.
Gee, Mrs. Potter.
You just missed him.
Uh, yes, ma'am. He just drove off
with a nurse to a village near here.
Oh, no, he's okay.
No, honest!
Yes, ma'am, you could call him
tomorrow and ask him yourself.
Hey, uh, how's things
in Missouri?
What? I'm sorry, ma'am,
I can't hear you.
There's too much
static on the...
Oh, it's okay. No, even static
from home sounds good.
All right.
I'll talk to you then. Bye.
- What's cookin'?
- Mrs. Potter.
She called all the way
from stateside.
She had a premonition that something
was happening to the colonel.
My mother gets those.
She had a premonition about
the bombing of Pearl Harbor.
- She tell anybody?
- Nah. She didn't get it
till December 9th.
- And this, of course, is our mess tent.
- [Speaking Korean]
Tell the general I'd offer him dinner,
but it's not for me to endanger his health.
- [Korean]
- [Laughing]
[General Speaking Korean]
The general said that one day
we should have a war...
in which only cooks
fight one another.
- In that way, we could get rid
of the common enemy.
- [Chuckles]
- Tell him I agree.
- [Korean]
[Speaking Korean, Laughing]
Right this way, General.
I gotcha!
[Screams]
I got him!
Get the M.P.'s!
Jump that one!
They always work in pairs!
Frank! Frank, get off.
Frank, get off!
- What are you doing? I had him!
- That's General Park...
- of the Army of
the Republic of South Korea.
- [Korean]
- South Korea?
- I think his name translates
as Ashley Wilkes.
Is that south enough for you?
- [Korean Continues]
- Uh, General, uh...
I'm, uh, sorry to have been
so rough on you, sir, and...
[Gasps]
Very good. Very good.
[Radar]
"Foot inspection feels
like it goes on forever, Ma.
"That's 'cause there's about
200 people in this unit...
"and with each one having 10 toes,
that's 20,000 toes to check.
- [Knocking]
- It's open!
- Good morning, Klinger.
- Hi!
How's this sound?
"Dear President Eisenhower...
- Sending away for seeds?
- "Congratulations not only
on becoming president...
"but getting out of the army
at the same time.
"If I thought it'd work for me,
I'd run for the office in a second.
- Off with the shoes.
- "When you go through
President Truman's mail...
"you will no doubt find
some letters I wrote...
"describing the mental
condition of my mind.
"I have deteriorated even more downhill
since I sent him the picture of me...
dressed only in combat boots
and a black garter belt."
- Right foot's fine.
- Check.
"As a former big-time officer,
you will understand...
how undesirable it is to have
a weirdo like me in the service."
Why is your
little toenail missing?
I put my pinky in the pencil sharpener
at the draft board.
- You did not!
- When he lowered my pants,
there was a rose in my shorts.
"Return me to my loved ones,
sir, and my uncle...
"who is very big
in certain circles...
will rub out anyone you want
at a discount."
Toes fine. One nail missing
and one screw loose.
Go!
Frank, when am I
gonna inspect you?
- Just keep your nose out of my feet.
- Well put.
Hey, guys! Chuck me one!
Toss it here!
Well, give me a little
warning, will ya?
- I'm ready.
- Thank you, Father.
- You have a lovely touch.
- Never took a lesson.
I've often thought, with
your gentleness, your compassion...
I believe you'd have made
a good priest.
I'm too crazy about neckties.
How long have you had
these feet, Father?
They were original equipment.
Make a note of that.
Feet have only had one owner.
They're holding up very well.
- Must be all the kneeling.
- No doubt.
- Where'd you get this scar, Father?
- My sister bit my toe.
- Your sister the nun?
- Now nun. Then, angry child.
- She has quite an overbite.
- Don't spread this around.
The other children
called her "Beaver."
- That's mean.
- We told her it was because
she was such a good swimmer.
Well, no corns, no fungus,
no bunions, just a nun bite.
- One nun bite.
- Father.
- Colonel Potter got a hundred percent.
- Wow!
[Radar]
"You'd like Captain Pierce, Ma.
Least I think you would.
"He's real smart,
but kind of crazy.
"I've seen him amputate
people's legs one minute...
"and then glue Major Burns's
boots to two bedpans the next.
"Maybe things like that got something
to do with each other, I don't know.
"To continue on further, Ma...
"I'm really happy about my pet,
which I finally got one.
"I sent away to a mail order house
for a guinea pig, and he's doin'terrific.
"I named him Dopey,
after the Seven Dwarfs.
"Getting back to Colonel Potter...
"boy, talk about
your premonitions.
"Remember how old Aunt Dorothy always
knew something was gonna happen...
"whenever her truss got warm?
Well, Aunt Dorothy had nothin'
on Mrs. Colonel Potter. "
- [Jeep Rewing]
- Halt! Friend or foe?
Out of my way!
I'll run you down!
Pass, friend.
Klinger, on the double!
The colonel's been shot!
- Sir, what happened?
- A sniper got him on the road.
- Oh! Please don't die, sir.
- Buffalo chips.
There's other men got hit worse
that'll be in here soon.
- I just bought one in the old bucket.
- Let's get some help.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Major?
- Shouldn't be a minute, sir.
- You were very brave back there.
- Very level-headed.
- Thank you, sir.
Mrs. Potter has those qualities.
You couldn't ruffle her feathers
if you hit her with a brick!
- What's all the hoo-ha?
- Colonel Potter caught some sniper fire.
- Colonel, are you all right?
- No, I am not all right.
This sauce I'm sitting in...
is my own blood, and I'm
so full of lead you could
use me for a doorstop!
- Much pain?
- My can's throbbin'
two beats faster than my heart.
- [Klinger] Here we go!
- I'll get things started.
- All right. Good girl.
- In the clinches,
which isn't a bad idea.
Colonel! Colonel Potter,
are you all right?
- I'm all right, Radar.
- Somebody said you were dead!
Well, it wasn't me. All I got was
a night deposit in my derriere.
- Oh!
- We'll have you under
in a minute, Colonel.
Pig feathers!
You don't have to knock me out.
Just shoot a local in there.
I want to watch
you characters work.
We'll give you
a rearview mirror.
- A little higher, Radar.
Yeah, that's fine.
- Yes, sir.
- Swab that, please.
- Yes, Doctor.
- Stuff's in pretty deep.
It's gonna take awhile.
- I got no place to go.
What a unique device,
the human tush.
An architectural marvel.
One of a kind.
Actually, two of a kind.
Designed to support our weight
for a lifetime of sitting...
it also has the subtlety
to do the samba.
And when attached to certain
members of the female species...
at a time when light summer
dresses are worn, can cause
some of us to drive our cars...
- straight up a lamppost.
- Stop dawdling.
Dawdling? I wax poetic, sir.
You're in luck. There's a man
from Hallmark in the first row.
- Colonel! I just heard.
- I'm all right, Father.
- [Bullet Clinking]
- He got shot in the "derriere-y."
- A little to the right there, Hunnicutt.
- I got it, Colonel.
Colonel.! It's your missus.!
She's on the phone.!
Oh, yeah.
She called before, sir.
She had a feeling
something happened to you.
She's always having premonitions.
She listens to that crazy gypsy...
who runs the fruit stand.
- What should I tell her?
That you've been shot?
- Don't say that!
The woman's got enough trouble.
Having root canal...
no vertical hold on the TV,
and the scales fell off her guppy.
- What shall I tell her?
- If you're up to it,
we could string a line in here.
- The phone won't be sterile.
- Klinger, boil that phone.
- I like mine four and a half minutes.
- Let's go.
[Radar]
It'll bejust a minute, ma'am.
Oh, yeah, he's, um...
He's over at the Officer's Club,
and someone's using the line.
Right. Oh, no, no.
He's okay, honest.
Um, I was sorry to hear
about your guppy.
Right. We had a parakeet
that ran away from home.
I don't know why.
Just took some seed and his best bell
and we never saw him again.
Oh, boy... Okay.
Hold on for Colonel Potter, ma'am.
I'm perfectly fine, Mother.
Yes, just as Radar said,
I'm at the Officer's Club.
I'll have another beer.
- May I have the next tango?
- Take it easy. The woman's not a nitwit!
What's that, Mother?
Oh, I do respect
your premonitions.
Yes, it was you who said
my sister'd go bald.
Happily, you're wrong
this time, is all.
- [Clinks]
- That? That was an olive pit.
- Yes, dear.
- [Mulcahy]
My goodness. More wounded!
I'll finish up here.
You take care of the new people.
- Right. Right. Klinger!
- Let's get Frank.
- Sir.! Yes, sir.
- Get Major Burns.
Now look, sugar, we're gonna
have to get off the phone...
in case the war
gets going again.
Take some aspirin,
get your vertical hold fixed
and buy yourself a new fish.
- I want to see the X rays.
- Right away, Doctor.
- Where's my gas passer?
- I'll get him.
Affirmative, sweetheart.
Yes, I love you too.
Good-bye, Mother.
Not a bad performance,
if I do say.
- Especially when the star
has a slug in his butt.
- [Chuckles]
Well, well, well.
Sergeant Callan.
Small war, isn't it?
- They got me again, Doc.
- Uh-huh.
- No sweat.
- Can't get 'em to stop shootin' at me.
- How's the wife?
- Oh, she's gonna have
her operation next week.
- Thanks to you.
- You're getting one right now,
thanks to me.
- Hawk?
My watch salesman's back.
- Uh-huh.
Am I really gonna be
all right, Doc?
- I'll have you running as well
as that watch in no time.
- [Chuckles Uneasily]
[Laughing]
Pass me the rusty saw, please.
[Hawkeye]
One rusty saw, coming up.
[Radar]
"They were only kiddin: Ma.
Our doctors are really teriff.
"Except for Major Burns, of course.
Speaking of which, Captain
Pierce finally got to finish
his foot inspection last night. "
[Footsteps]
[Screaming]
- [Burns] Are you people crazy?
- Foot inspection, Frank.
- This is it!
- Hold still.
- Unclench your foot, Frank.
- Touch my toes and I'll have you
killed, then court-martialed.
[Laughing]
Nail polish?
- Frank!
- Isn't that Major Houlihan's color?
It was all in fun.
We were, uh...
discussing trench foot,
a-a-and then we got a little silly.
You're not gonna put this
on my report, are you, Pierce?
I think you'll find
I'm pretty much all business, Frank.
"Burns, Frank, Major.
"Strange coloration
of all toenails...
possibly due to combat action
with a hostile manicurist."
"Well, Ma, I guess
it's about time to sign off now.
"I better mail this letter
before Dopey eats it.
"If they gave me a penny
every time I thought about you...
"I guess I'd be makin'
about 100 bucks a week.
"Don't worry if the war news
is bad. I'm okay.
Love, Walter."
"Dear Ma. This is your boy here again...
"still fine with the U.S. Army
in South Korea...
"and hoping you are the same.
"As usual, I am writing real slow,
'cause I know you can't read fast.
"Your package and letter
arrived this morning.
"The cake and cookies and
the underwear were all delicious.
"I was sorry to hear Uncle Ed
went off the wagon on his hunting trip.
"I sure hope he'll be able to play
the pump organ without those toes.
"I apologize for not answering
sooner before, Ma.
"It's just I do a heck of a lot
of writing in my job here.
"I got about the smallest pencil
in the camp.
"Take like last week.
Top of all my other duties...
"which I got
too many already...
I had to help Captain Pierce give
everybody a monthly foot inspection."
- Terrific-looking toes, Colonel.
- Thank you, Pierce.
- Have you ever thought
of studying piano?
- [Laughing]
N-Not there, Pierce!
[Giggling]
- Should I write down ticklish, Captain?
- No, no.
Merely indicates the patient is
highly oversexed, right, Colonel?
[Potter, Hawkeye Laughing]
- How do they look, Pierce?
- You have the feet of a teenager.
Now we know why Mrs. Potter's
smiling in her picture.
Learned about foot care
in World War One.
From Capt. Harry S. Truman, no less.
He had a great pair of feet.
Imprints of which may be seen
on Gen. MacArthur's backside.
- Colonel gets a hundred percent, Radar.
- Oh, good.
That's very good, sir.
A hundred percent!
Well, good feet run in my family,
except for my Uncle Ben.
He had two extra toes.
Used to have to make little
leather sidecars for his shoes.
Thank you, Colonel.
Come along, Robin.
"Colonel Potter, who I was really
worried would I like, I really do.
"He's okay and a good egg.
"I think he's how Pop would've been
if he hadn't died when I was little.
"I never told you, but it used to
make me mad that Pop died...
"until I finally realized
dying wasn't his idea.
"Another one of my jobs is helping
patients go to other hospitals...
"or back to their units after we finish
with their surgery and stuff.
"Corporal Klinger was
helping evac the other night.
You'd like Klinger, Ma.
He looks a little bit like
Aunt Jean before electrolysis. "
- Asher, Harold. Private.
- Asher, Private. Right.
Have a good ride. We don't want
to see you back here again.
- So keep down low.
- How goes the psycho business, Klinger?
I wrote General Ridgway I love him,
and asked him to be my husband.
- [Chuckles] You mad thing.
- His aide wrote back.
- The general's happily married.
- Maybe they'll have a fight.
- Yeah.
- [Man On P.A.] Attention.
Attention post-op personnel.
The evac bus is loading
and ready to go.
All aboard, whoever's leaving.
Hey, Doc. Sergeant Callan.
You know.
You took the shrapnel
out of my chest.
- I've got it pressed in my memory book.
- You got a second, Doc?
- You feel all right?
- I feel fine.
It's the wife, Doc.
She's not so hot.
She's gotta have an operation...
you know, woman stuff.
I studied "Woman Stuff"...
One and Two.
My problem is loot. I don't have
enough for the operation...
- and she's gotta have it right away.
- Uh-huh.
- I wonder if you could help me.
- I'll be glad to operate on her free...
- if they'll let me fly home.
- If I could just get her some cash.
I never lend my patients money.
Reduced life spans.
This watch cost me
$150 at the Tokyo P.X.
- Give me what you want for it.
- I got a watch!
- Thirty dollars and it's yours.
- [Door Closing]
All full up!
Ready to roll!
It's self-winding,
tells you the date. Twenty dollars!
- S-Sergeant...
- It's a $150 watch!
- Look, Ser...
- I wouldn't do this if it weren't
for my wife's plumbing.
- L...
- Take it. Fifteen. Take it.
Here, is, uh...
Twenty bucks is all I got.
- God bless, you, sir. God bless you.
- You're welcome, Sergeant.
Good evening, sir.
I'm with the Department
of Water and Power.
- I'm here to read your feet.
- Ah!
If you'll just
step into my... crate...
- What's that, a new watch?
- Yeah. Got it off a patient.
Twenty bucks!
Goes for 150.
- The patient had to send
the money home, right?
- How'd you know?
His kid outgrew his tonsils
and needs a set of new ones?
The cat needs
a "whiskerectomy?"
- I got taken?
- We gotta do something about
that apple-pie-and-hot-dog face.
No works. It's empty!
See, what you got there
is either a pill box with hands...
or a lunch pail
for Munchkins!
- I feel like an idiot.
- Go with the feeling.
- And I operated on that guy's chest!
- [Laughing]
See, what we'll do
is we'll get the guy...
- and we'll put the shrapnel back in!
- You're a lot of help.
- You ready, sir?
- That's a loaded question, Radar.
It's past time to go check
Major Houlihan's feet.
Ah, yes! The major's
clustered tootsies.
You think she'll believe it that a kiss
on the instep improves circulation?
- I believed this was a watch.
- I'll do you at 9:00.
- How will I know?
- Lead on, MacDuff.
Who?
You better be prepared
to explain that.
Want to buy a watch?
Major Houlihan's tent.
Ah, if this canvas could only talk.
- [Knocking]
- Major?
- Who is it?
- Time to have your feet "Pierced."
- Later.
- Sorry, Major, there's no later.
The future's been cancelled
by the War Department.
They're just gonna replay the past.
[Sighing, Feet Shuffling]
[Feet Stomping, Clothes Rustling]
She's not alone.
Give me two guesses.
Senator McCarthy? Martin Bormann?
- Major Burns.
- I was right!
Come in.
- Hello, Frank.
- I was just leaving!
- That's gonna be difficult, isn't it?
- Huh?
- You tied your boot to the table.
- Oh, sure.
You were supposed to inspect
my feet this morning.
Sorry, there was a parade
on 5th Avenue. The Sons and
Daughters of Mickey Rooney.
Stick around, Frank.
I'll do you after Margaret.
I wouldn't let you touch
my feet with a ten-foot pole!
Radar, cancel the ten-foot pole.
"Stretch" Pulaski...
tallest Pole you ever saw.
Thanks for letting me come by
only to pick up the manual, Major.
The manual.
You kids still using the manual?
I think you could throw away
the book by now.
Oh, watch your mouth...
in front of the help.
Can we get on with it?
Take it easy, Major.
Your feet aren't going
anywhere without you.
- Ready, Radar?
- Uh, ready, sir.
Now, then, madame, what did you
have in mind? A pump? A sandal?
A back-to-school shoe?
Doctor, I have a dozen specimens
waiting for me in the lab.
You were smart to call ahead.
Report on Houlihan, Margaret, Major.
By Pierce, B.F., Captain.
I'm getting a little crazy,
backwards, talking.
Isn't that a pretty foot, Corporal?
I wouldn't know, sir.
I'm not a doctor.
However, a wee bit of fungus...
two bunions, one corn,
light on the mayo,
hold the chili and onions.
Ankle's a bit swollen.
You retaining water?
My water is none of your affair.
Radar, get me some
potassium permanganate
for the major's feet.
I'll spread it on for you.
It's more fungus that way.
- Don't you wish.
- Uh, well, sir, I'll meet you
at the next feet.
No, no, Radar, stay.
The law requires that
a third person be present...
when I'm examining feet
of the female sex.
Violation could result
in my death by hangnail.
Oh, take your pan and get out!
Bossy boots.
"It's later now
than it was before, Ma...
"and I'm having a cup
of coffee in the mess tent.
"Colonel Potter has them
make it real strong.
[Gasps]
"He says it grows hair
on your saddle horn.
Speaking of where I am,
a really weird thing happened
in here the other day."
Grits. Peas. Corn.
Potatoes. Ham.
- Boy, you think of everything.
- That's why I get the big money.
Next!
[Jets Roaring Overhead]
- Anyone sitting here?
- No. No one.
[Laughing]
I forgot to put coffee in my...
cup.
[Mumbles]
Boy, you must be starved, guy.
[Speaking Korean]
Hey! What funny printing on there.
All the R's and the P's
are backwards.
Wow! That's a Russian gun.
- You lucky pup! That's a great souvenir.
- [Korean]
All I got so far is a small ivory Jesus
for my mama's car.
Yeah, he's tops
in our religion, you know.
Boy, I'd give anything
for one of these Russian babies.
[Shouting In Korean]
I didn't mean anything. Hey.!
- Hey! Wait a minute!
- [Grunting]
- You ignatz!
- Sir, there was just a Korean in here.
This country is crawling
with Koreans.
You can't swing a dead cat
without hitting a Korean.
You're going on report
for this, you little puke!
- Can I help, sir?
- You keep out of this, bugle beak!
I spent an hour going over
this shirt with a hot rock.
Sir, it was a North Korean!
I didn't realize until after he left!
He had a Russian gun
and everything.
A commie? In here?
Sometimes they do that.
Their snipers get hungry.
After shooting at our guys,
they got the guts to eat our grits?
And you let him get away,
you little pantywaist!
If I'd have been here,
I'd have given him a good thrashing!
- Sir, they know judo!
- Religion has nothing to do with it.
Better not try it again.
He'll probably keep the tray too.
[Radar]
"Monday night, Colonel Potter
and Major Houlihan...
"went into Kha Doc,
which is a native village.
"We go once a month to treat
the sick, old and ill.
"I could've gone, but last time I went,
they served grasshoppers and rice.
"I don't mind that,
but the sauce made me sick.
I think it's Mexican. "
- Well, I guess that's about it. Radar?
- Yes, sir?
- Everything's gonna run smooth...
- Make sure everything runs
smooth until I get back.
- You got everything, sir?
- Blankets, medical supplies,
ketchup for the grasshoppers.
- [Laughing]
- Keep the whitewash away
from Major Burns.
I don't want to see one painted rock
when I come back.
And make sure no one
goes into my tent.
- I wouldn't do that, ma'am.
- Somebody does.
- Maybe it's rats.
- You think rats have been
trying on my undies?
Some of them rats are weird.
You be careful
on the road now, sir.
- We've got reports of snipers.
- Can't kill a regular army man.
Head's too thick.
Yo-o!
[Man On P.A.]
Corporal O'Reilly,
please answer your phone.
- Corporal O'Reilly,
your phone's running over.
- I'll take the whitewash, sir.
- He said no?
- He said no.
Ah, Frank. Just in time
for your foot inspection.
- I'm short ten toes, and they're yours.
- Forget it, twerp!
Watch it, Frank.
I read lips.
Gee, Mrs. Potter.
You just missed him.
Uh, yes, ma'am. He just drove off
with a nurse to a village near here.
Oh, no, he's okay.
No, honest!
Yes, ma'am, you could call him
tomorrow and ask him yourself.
Hey, uh, how's things
in Missouri?
What? I'm sorry, ma'am,
I can't hear you.
There's too much
static on the...
Oh, it's okay. No, even static
from home sounds good.
All right.
I'll talk to you then. Bye.
- What's cookin'?
- Mrs. Potter.
She called all the way
from stateside.
She had a premonition that something
was happening to the colonel.
My mother gets those.
She had a premonition about
the bombing of Pearl Harbor.
- She tell anybody?
- Nah. She didn't get it
till December 9th.
- And this, of course, is our mess tent.
- [Speaking Korean]
Tell the general I'd offer him dinner,
but it's not for me to endanger his health.
- [Korean]
- [Laughing]
[General Speaking Korean]
The general said that one day
we should have a war...
in which only cooks
fight one another.
- In that way, we could get rid
of the common enemy.
- [Chuckles]
- Tell him I agree.
- [Korean]
[Speaking Korean, Laughing]
Right this way, General.
I gotcha!
[Screams]
I got him!
Get the M.P.'s!
Jump that one!
They always work in pairs!
Frank! Frank, get off.
Frank, get off!
- What are you doing? I had him!
- That's General Park...
- of the Army of
the Republic of South Korea.
- [Korean]
- South Korea?
- I think his name translates
as Ashley Wilkes.
Is that south enough for you?
- [Korean Continues]
- Uh, General, uh...
I'm, uh, sorry to have been
so rough on you, sir, and...
[Gasps]
Very good. Very good.
[Radar]
"Foot inspection feels
like it goes on forever, Ma.
"That's 'cause there's about
200 people in this unit...
"and with each one having 10 toes,
that's 20,000 toes to check.
- [Knocking]
- It's open!
- Good morning, Klinger.
- Hi!
How's this sound?
"Dear President Eisenhower...
- Sending away for seeds?
- "Congratulations not only
on becoming president...
"but getting out of the army
at the same time.
"If I thought it'd work for me,
I'd run for the office in a second.
- Off with the shoes.
- "When you go through
President Truman's mail...
"you will no doubt find
some letters I wrote...
"describing the mental
condition of my mind.
"I have deteriorated even more downhill
since I sent him the picture of me...
dressed only in combat boots
and a black garter belt."
- Right foot's fine.
- Check.
"As a former big-time officer,
you will understand...
how undesirable it is to have
a weirdo like me in the service."
Why is your
little toenail missing?
I put my pinky in the pencil sharpener
at the draft board.
- You did not!
- When he lowered my pants,
there was a rose in my shorts.
"Return me to my loved ones,
sir, and my uncle...
"who is very big
in certain circles...
will rub out anyone you want
at a discount."
Toes fine. One nail missing
and one screw loose.
Go!
Frank, when am I
gonna inspect you?
- Just keep your nose out of my feet.
- Well put.
Hey, guys! Chuck me one!
Toss it here!
Well, give me a little
warning, will ya?
- I'm ready.
- Thank you, Father.
- You have a lovely touch.
- Never took a lesson.
I've often thought, with
your gentleness, your compassion...
I believe you'd have made
a good priest.
I'm too crazy about neckties.
How long have you had
these feet, Father?
They were original equipment.
Make a note of that.
Feet have only had one owner.
They're holding up very well.
- Must be all the kneeling.
- No doubt.
- Where'd you get this scar, Father?
- My sister bit my toe.
- Your sister the nun?
- Now nun. Then, angry child.
- She has quite an overbite.
- Don't spread this around.
The other children
called her "Beaver."
- That's mean.
- We told her it was because
she was such a good swimmer.
Well, no corns, no fungus,
no bunions, just a nun bite.
- One nun bite.
- Father.
- Colonel Potter got a hundred percent.
- Wow!
[Radar]
"You'd like Captain Pierce, Ma.
Least I think you would.
"He's real smart,
but kind of crazy.
"I've seen him amputate
people's legs one minute...
"and then glue Major Burns's
boots to two bedpans the next.
"Maybe things like that got something
to do with each other, I don't know.
"To continue on further, Ma...
"I'm really happy about my pet,
which I finally got one.
"I sent away to a mail order house
for a guinea pig, and he's doin'terrific.
"I named him Dopey,
after the Seven Dwarfs.
"Getting back to Colonel Potter...
"boy, talk about
your premonitions.
"Remember how old Aunt Dorothy always
knew something was gonna happen...
"whenever her truss got warm?
Well, Aunt Dorothy had nothin'
on Mrs. Colonel Potter. "
- [Jeep Rewing]
- Halt! Friend or foe?
Out of my way!
I'll run you down!
Pass, friend.
Klinger, on the double!
The colonel's been shot!
- Sir, what happened?
- A sniper got him on the road.
- Oh! Please don't die, sir.
- Buffalo chips.
There's other men got hit worse
that'll be in here soon.
- I just bought one in the old bucket.
- Let's get some help.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Major?
- Shouldn't be a minute, sir.
- You were very brave back there.
- Very level-headed.
- Thank you, sir.
Mrs. Potter has those qualities.
You couldn't ruffle her feathers
if you hit her with a brick!
- What's all the hoo-ha?
- Colonel Potter caught some sniper fire.
- Colonel, are you all right?
- No, I am not all right.
This sauce I'm sitting in...
is my own blood, and I'm
so full of lead you could
use me for a doorstop!
- Much pain?
- My can's throbbin'
two beats faster than my heart.
- [Klinger] Here we go!
- I'll get things started.
- All right. Good girl.
- In the clinches,
which isn't a bad idea.
Colonel! Colonel Potter,
are you all right?
- I'm all right, Radar.
- Somebody said you were dead!
Well, it wasn't me. All I got was
a night deposit in my derriere.
- Oh!
- We'll have you under
in a minute, Colonel.
Pig feathers!
You don't have to knock me out.
Just shoot a local in there.
I want to watch
you characters work.
We'll give you
a rearview mirror.
- A little higher, Radar.
Yeah, that's fine.
- Yes, sir.
- Swab that, please.
- Yes, Doctor.
- Stuff's in pretty deep.
It's gonna take awhile.
- I got no place to go.
What a unique device,
the human tush.
An architectural marvel.
One of a kind.
Actually, two of a kind.
Designed to support our weight
for a lifetime of sitting...
it also has the subtlety
to do the samba.
And when attached to certain
members of the female species...
at a time when light summer
dresses are worn, can cause
some of us to drive our cars...
- straight up a lamppost.
- Stop dawdling.
Dawdling? I wax poetic, sir.
You're in luck. There's a man
from Hallmark in the first row.
- Colonel! I just heard.
- I'm all right, Father.
- [Bullet Clinking]
- He got shot in the "derriere-y."
- A little to the right there, Hunnicutt.
- I got it, Colonel.
Colonel.! It's your missus.!
She's on the phone.!
Oh, yeah.
She called before, sir.
She had a feeling
something happened to you.
She's always having premonitions.
She listens to that crazy gypsy...
who runs the fruit stand.
- What should I tell her?
That you've been shot?
- Don't say that!
The woman's got enough trouble.
Having root canal...
no vertical hold on the TV,
and the scales fell off her guppy.
- What shall I tell her?
- If you're up to it,
we could string a line in here.
- The phone won't be sterile.
- Klinger, boil that phone.
- I like mine four and a half minutes.
- Let's go.
[Radar]
It'll bejust a minute, ma'am.
Oh, yeah, he's, um...
He's over at the Officer's Club,
and someone's using the line.
Right. Oh, no, no.
He's okay, honest.
Um, I was sorry to hear
about your guppy.
Right. We had a parakeet
that ran away from home.
I don't know why.
Just took some seed and his best bell
and we never saw him again.
Oh, boy... Okay.
Hold on for Colonel Potter, ma'am.
I'm perfectly fine, Mother.
Yes, just as Radar said,
I'm at the Officer's Club.
I'll have another beer.
- May I have the next tango?
- Take it easy. The woman's not a nitwit!
What's that, Mother?
Oh, I do respect
your premonitions.
Yes, it was you who said
my sister'd go bald.
Happily, you're wrong
this time, is all.
- [Clinks]
- That? That was an olive pit.
- Yes, dear.
- [Mulcahy]
My goodness. More wounded!
I'll finish up here.
You take care of the new people.
- Right. Right. Klinger!
- Let's get Frank.
- Sir.! Yes, sir.
- Get Major Burns.
Now look, sugar, we're gonna
have to get off the phone...
in case the war
gets going again.
Take some aspirin,
get your vertical hold fixed
and buy yourself a new fish.
- I want to see the X rays.
- Right away, Doctor.
- Where's my gas passer?
- I'll get him.
Affirmative, sweetheart.
Yes, I love you too.
Good-bye, Mother.
Not a bad performance,
if I do say.
- Especially when the star
has a slug in his butt.
- [Chuckles]
Well, well, well.
Sergeant Callan.
Small war, isn't it?
- They got me again, Doc.
- Uh-huh.
- No sweat.
- Can't get 'em to stop shootin' at me.
- How's the wife?
- Oh, she's gonna have
her operation next week.
- Thanks to you.
- You're getting one right now,
thanks to me.
- Hawk?
My watch salesman's back.
- Uh-huh.
Am I really gonna be
all right, Doc?
- I'll have you running as well
as that watch in no time.
- [Chuckles Uneasily]
[Laughing]
Pass me the rusty saw, please.
[Hawkeye]
One rusty saw, coming up.
[Radar]
"They were only kiddin: Ma.
Our doctors are really teriff.
"Except for Major Burns, of course.
Speaking of which, Captain
Pierce finally got to finish
his foot inspection last night. "
[Footsteps]
[Screaming]
- [Burns] Are you people crazy?
- Foot inspection, Frank.
- This is it!
- Hold still.
- Unclench your foot, Frank.
- Touch my toes and I'll have you
killed, then court-martialed.
[Laughing]
Nail polish?
- Frank!
- Isn't that Major Houlihan's color?
It was all in fun.
We were, uh...
discussing trench foot,
a-a-and then we got a little silly.
You're not gonna put this
on my report, are you, Pierce?
I think you'll find
I'm pretty much all business, Frank.
"Burns, Frank, Major.
"Strange coloration
of all toenails...
possibly due to combat action
with a hostile manicurist."
"Well, Ma, I guess
it's about time to sign off now.
"I better mail this letter
before Dopey eats it.
"If they gave me a penny
every time I thought about you...
"I guess I'd be makin'
about 100 bucks a week.
"Don't worry if the war news
is bad. I'm okay.
Love, Walter."