M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 4, Episode 14 - Mail Call, Again - full transcript

# Baby, dear
Listen here #

# I'm afraid to come home
in the dark #

# Every day the papers say #

#A robbery in the park #

# So I sat alone in the YMCA #

# Singing just like a lark #

# Oh, there's no place like home #

- [Knocking]
- Come.

# But I couldn't come home
in the dark ##

- Is that you singing, sir?
- Music has charms to soothe
the savage breast.

I don't know much
about those, sir.



I could sing it much better
if I didn't have this cold.

- Uh, mail call, sir.
- Who from, Radar?

Well, you got a letter from
a Dr. Norman Chase, Cleveland, Ohio.

Oh, yeah.
Great proctologist... good ol' Squint.

- Here's one from your son, sir.
- Oh, good.

- Read it while I rake these bristles.
- Yes, sir.

- I didn't know your son was a doctor.
- Dentist.

Specializes in gums.

I remember when
we talked it over.

He said, "Dad, everybody's
got two sets of gums.

That's where the money is."

[Clears Throat] "Dear Dad, things
have been going great here...

"lots of pyorrhea.

"We are well,
but hold on to your hat.



"Jeanine and I have been keeping
a secret from you and Mom.

- By the time you get this,
you'll be a grandfather."
- Yeow!

Wow!

Let's see, uh... [Mumbling]

"The baby's a week late, Dad."

- They're always late.
- What do they know?

"I say it's late, Dad,
because it's a girl.

"Jeanine says it's late
because it's a boy.

"We have a bet.

"If she's right, I buy her
four retread tires for her Kaiser.

If I'm right, she serves
my breakfast in bed for a week."

That'll put a kink in his colon.

Gee, sir, maybe we could have a bet
like that. You know, like a pool.

Dandy notion.
Day it's born.

- And the baby's weight.
- Boy or girl.

- For a buck?
- Good.

I say it's gonna be
a strapping nine-pound boy...

born on the, uh, 21 st.

Twenty-first.

With a firm jaw...

aristocratic nose...

steely eyes...

but a little taller.

[Knocking]

One moment. Come in.

- Good morning.
- State your business, Corporal.

It's mail call, ma'am.

- You got a package, uh,
from Frederick's of Hollywood.
- Frederick's?

You know, I went through
Hollywood on the way here.

I think I saw James Cagney.

[Imitating James Cagney]
Mmm. You sent my brother Nicky
to the big house.

Hmm. Cagney. [Whistles]

- Is there anything else?
- We're having a pool
on the birth of a baby...

date, weight and sex,
one dollar.

- I don't approve of gambling.
- It's Colonel Potter's grandchild.

Six and a half pounds,
the 25th, boy.

Now scram!

Yes, ma'am.

Mmm. Cagney.

Oh, Frank Burns,
you Midwestern devil.

Oh, my. It's from
my sister Angelica.

- The saint?
- Oh, no, Radar. She's a nun.

Well, they get promoted
though, don't they?

Oh, it's a big step, Radar.

Sometimes it takes centuries.

- Father, do you mind if
I ask you a religious question?
- Of course not.

When you get a letter
from your sister the sister...

does she call you Father,
brother or Lieutenant, Father?

She calls me by
my given name... Francis.

Oh, I'm sorry, Father.

That's all right, Radar.

I'm here to entertain the troops.

Wow! Well.

- She's coaching girls' basketball.
- Oh?

Saint Mary's 42, visitors 28.

Saint Mary's 56, visitors 39.

Oh, my.

They whipped the pants off
Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrows.

I better continue
on my appointed rounds, Father.

- Mail call.
- What a sweet sound.

Like a canary
with fresh newspapers.

All you got was
the Crabapple Cove Courier.

Never underestimate
the power of the press.

- It's from your wife.
- Mm-hmm.

- From your wife.
- Mm-hmm.

- From your wife.
- Uh-huh.

- And from Waggle Hunnicutt.
- My dog.

- Your dog?
- My wife does the actual writing.

Surely you jest.

- Dogs can't write.
- Are you kidding?

I once knew a Cocker Spaniel
who covered the dog show
over at the New York Times.

Oh, yeah. He would have
won the Pulitzer Prize...

but that was the year
Joyce Kilmer wrote Trees.

Get this. "Nathan Wicket
leaves farm to donkey."

I knew them.
They were very close.

- Hey, the baby said a whole sentence.
- [Hawkeye] What'd she say?

"Boo da be babba."

The kid is brilliant.

Peggy says it means,
"I've had enough strained apricots
and wish to take my nap now."

You didn't have to explain it.

Get this.
"Lyle Brown, local fisherman...

"suffers double hernia
pulling in lobster traps.

"Eight lobsters escaped
during the disaster.

Lyle told reporters,
'They haven't seen the last of me."'

- Hey, Frank's letter is open.
- Oh, yeah. It was an accident.

I was boiling some water
for Colonel Potter's tea...

while I was sorting mail,
and it come open.

- Steam will do that.
- It was an accident. Honest.

What did it accidentally say?

Are you kidding?
I'm no sneak.

- I'm not a spy.
- It's okay to be an American spy.

Right. Good guys can do
anything rotten.

- His wife wants a divorce.
- Oh, wow.

- Hey, this is big stuff, Radar.
- Yeah.

Some officer was
passing through here.

Anyway, he meets Louise back home...
see, that's Mrs. Major Burns...

and he spills the beans
about him and Major Houlihan.

- Frank will blow his brains out.
- If he can find a peashooter.

- Well, won't this make him happy?
- Mm-mmm.

No, now he's free
to marry Major Houlihan.

Radar, Major Burns
doesn't want to leave mommy.

There's a 10,000-mile umbilical cord
between here and Indiana.

I don't understand that.

- The telephone company
puts it on your bill.
- Oh.

What are you doing here
in officers' country?

Just delivering the mail, sir.

Well, then deliver it
and get lost, you little drip.

I was talking to the guys.

The guys. The guys?

I am Major Burns.
This is Captain Pierce.

That is Captain Hunnicutt.
We are not guys.

- I thought I was.
- Get out!

Yes, sir.

You do not salute inside!

Just in case I don't
see you outside, sir.

Blow!

- Why must you encourage him, huh?
- We like Radar, Frank.

- He's soft and cuddly.
- And almost housebroken.

How is he ever going
to learn his place...

if you keep letting him
think he's an equal, huh?

Tsk.

This letter is open.

- Humidity.
- Steam will do that.

- Everything okay at home, Frank?
- Uh, fine. Yeah.

Yeah. The, uh,
crabgrass is in bloom...

and the cat had puppies.

Hmm. The sardine cannery
burned down.

"The last structure in town
designed by Frank Lloyd Wright."

The paper say anything
about snow?

Frank. It came. It came.

The fatigues from Hollywood.

- Oh, oh.
- You naughty thing.

- Not now, Margaret.
- I want to show it to you.

- I must use the phone.
- You have feathers in your hair.

- It's a scalp condition.
- Frank, what's wrong?

Something dreadful's happened.
I've got to call home.

Oh, Lord. Is someone dying?

If only it was that unimportant.

Okay. Sir, your daughter-in-law
isn't at Mercy Hospital.

- Did you call my son's home?
- Yes, sir, but I just got
his answering service.

They said, uh, "Leave your name
and your gum condition."

- Try that Jewish hospital.
- What's the name, sir?

Uh, Holy Moses.
Something like that.

Is my call through to Indiana yet?

Not right now, sir. I got another call
going through to Ohio.

Don't give me any snottiness!
I'm not that old dimwit you work for.

The Ohio call's mine, Major.

Oh, sir. L... Aaah.

It's just a little joke
with Radar here.

I'd watch that dimwit talk.
Your bulb's been out since I met you.

Definitely, sir.

Hello. Yeah, Seoul?

Listen, try that Jewish hospital.

Uh, look under Moses.

- Would that be Bernie Moses, sir?
- No first name.

Sir, my call is awfully important.
I have a terrible problem at home.

You're gonna have a problem here if you
don't stop shooting off your "bazoo."

- Yes, sir.
- Sir, your call's going through.
It's plain old Moses Memorial.

Hello? Hello?
Colonel Sherman Potter here.

Calling from Korea.

Korea. Where all the fun is.

- Is there a Jeanine Potter...
- Sir?

Oh, sorry.

Jeanine Potter registered there?

Maternity.

- No, no. Potter, not Potash.
- [Scoffs]

What? I'll try it. Thank you.

- They said try City General.
- Right.

City General.
That's where my son was born.

1926.

My wife went into labor the minute
she heard Valentino died.

- Gee, I hope she's better now, sir.
- Coming along.

- Colonel Potter.
- What's the matter with you, Burns?

You act like you've got
termites in your truss.

Hello? Hello?

- Can I talk to you in your office, sir?
- Well, make it snappy.

I'm a grandfather
and don't even know it.

All right, Burns, spit it out.

- It's, uh, my wife, sir.
- Speak up, Burns.

I've got to call home.
My wife's very upset.

She misses me terribly
and-and wants a divorce.

She got another stallion
in the paddock?

Oh, heaven forbid.

No, she worships
the ground I walk on.

- Who told you that?
- My mother.

"Daring Robbery.

"Saturday night last, the home
of Mr. And Mrs. Marshall Staggs...

"popular local welding team,
was burglarized.

"The Staggs had driven
over to Morgansville...

"to get new nipples
for their acetylene tank.

"Stolen were
the following items...

"Mr. Staggs's World War II
discharge button...

"which was in the lapel of his synthetic
banker's-gray flannel suit...

"Mrs. Staggs's entire collection
of glass paperweights...

"including one, when shaken, produces
a snowstorm falling on a coyote...

"poised to eat a woodpecker...

a set of porcelain
his-and-her shavings mugs..."

Shavings mugs. Shaving...

Shaving mug. Shavings mug.
No, that...

"and several items
of Mrs. Staggs's clothing."

Page, uh, four.
Here, here it is.

"A wetted silk cocktail frock...

"a synthetic camel's hair topcoat...

"three house dresses,
four pairs of shoes...

"and Mrs. Staggs's wedding gown.

"Police Chief Baylor states...

'I believe this to be the work
of roving transvestites."'

And people say nothing exciting
ever happens in Crabapple Cove.

Sir, I found your daughter-in-law.
She's at City General.

- What about the baby? What is it?
- I can't get another line
through for two hours.

There's only one operator on duty
in Seoul because of the parade.

- What parade?
- Syngman Rhee was just
elected dictator again.

- Keep after 'em, Radar.
- Yes, sir.

Hey, you're supposed to knock.

In my grief,
do I know what I'm doing?

Colonel, do you want to see
Corporal Klinger?

Might as well. I probably won't be
going to the Easter parade.

Don't upset him.

- What now, Klinger?
- Don't ask.

- Then shove off.
- Ask.

- All right, what is it?
- Tragedy has struck my family, sir.

- I have a letter here from my mother.
- And?

It is about the tragedy, sir.

Here is the tragedy.

My two brothers,
Maurice and Hakim...

died in an explosion...

of the boiler at
the Toledo Harmonica Company.

Two brothers?
That's rough.

- My heart's in pieces.
- Older brothers?

I was the baby.

Hakim would bathe me.
Maurice would nurse me.

So, according to the
Selective Service Act...

subsection 31 -B...

paragraph six, small A,
tragedy-wise...

as sole remaining son...

I'm entitled to
immediate discharge from this...

the United States
of America Army.

While you process it, I'll pack.

- Yo!
- Question, Sherm?

- Sherm?
- I was overcome
by a wave of civilianism.

First of all,
this is in your handwriting.

I translated my mother's letter, sir.
It was in Lebanese.

- Let me see it.
- I burned it.

- Mm-hmm.
- It's part of a religious ceremony.

Held when two brothers die
in a harmonica factory.

Or a camel race. Whatever.

Klinger, this is
your personal record.

Yes, sir.

- You have no brothers.
- Whoever said that was lying.

- You said that.
- Right. I was lying, sir.

They were
in the country illegal.

Ah, they, they lived
under the front porch.

We fed them through the cracks.

And now they're dead.

- Klinger, you've got
to live before you die.
- Oh, you said a mouthful, sir.

And they never did.
You made this whole thing up.

- How can you tell?
- I know you.

Every time you tell a lie
your nose gets smaller.

- Dismissed.
- I'll be back.

I'll be here.

- They're kidding.
- What?

"Chick Siddons reports
the loss of several calves.

They weren't branded, but one of them
was wearing a gray felt hat."

- A calf wearing a gray felt hat?
- Just for downtown.

Must you bore everyone
with that dull, hometown news?

Dull? Listen to this.

"Noel Coward, Cole Porter
and Marlene Dietrich...

"were seen dining at
Eddie's Bar and Grill on Route Six.

"Cole Porter was heard to say...

'Eddie, this boiled catfish is a trip
to the moon on gossamer wings."'

Oh, stop it! Just stop it!

You know,
when you're mad, you're ugly.

I heard that smirk!
How would you like to be
confined to your bed for a week?

Anywhere she goes,
I go with her.

Where's Frank, Margaret?
Still trying to call home?

- There's a crisis.
- Hurricane named Louise.

I'd love to tap into
that conversation.

I'd like to be
a mouse with earphones.

Oh, you'd just love to see me
squirm, wouldn't you?

Can I slip into
something comfy first?

- We're through to Indiana, Major.
- Well, it's about time!

- I went as fast as I could, sir.
- Oh, it's all right.

I'm... very grateful, Corporal.

- I'm really not
a bad person, you know?
- Yeah, I heard that once, sir.

I've got terrific pressures on me.

- Always have.
- Yes, sir.

My mother and father
never got divorced.

I'd have done much better
coming from a broken home.

- [Clicking]
- Ooh.

- Now what?
- It'll be just a minute, sir.

- Hey, Klinger, when am I gonna
see my home movies?
- Ready when you are, C.B.

This is a private phone call.
Have you dug the new latrine?

Yes, sir. It's beautiful.
A hole to remember.

Sir, your home phone is ringing.

Louise?

Louise, can you hear me?

Huh? Well, it's me.

Frank.

- Frank Burns.
- Frank Burns.

Can you hold on
a minute, sugar? Huh?

Go peddle your fish!

His old lady heard about
Major Houlihan, huh?

Yeah. Just when he bought her
some underwear you don't even
need a girl for.

No kidding? Come on.
Give me a hand with the projector.

Hey, watch it, will ya?

- Why my phone?
- Sir, I give so much
and ask for so little.

My wife's on the phone
right this minute...

and I'd like
to talk to her privately.

All right. All right.
Shake a leg.

- And don't get the phone all sweaty.
- I'll try, sir.

I'm back, Louise.
Right here.

Listen, sugar,
I just got your letter...

and, honey, sugar,
I can't believe it.

I just can't,
you know, believe it.

Darling, you know that
the moment I met you...

I lost all interest in women.

Now, Louise, please.
No, no, you must listen to me.

I don't care what your mother said.
I don't care what she told you about me.

No, no. Now, please...

Huh?

Houlihan? Well, we have
a Major Houlihan.

But that's laughable.
I mean, hah.

Major Houlihan's
an old war horse! [Laughing]

I don't care
what Chuck told you!

Attractive?

Houlihan?

She looks like
an Army mule with bosoms.

Well, not that I ever noticed.

Now, wait, wait, wait!
Louise? Honey?

I can't live
without you. Oh...

If you divorce me,
I'll do myself an injury.

I'll run right out into
the middle of the war!

Oh, please! Sugar.

Well, who wouldn't cry?

Jiminy Cricket.

Your picture's in my wallet,
and I'm sitting on it.

And if that isn't love,
I don't know what is.

That's my sugar.

Yes, yes, yes. I'll write you
a long letter right away.

And you get rid
of that lawyer.

Oh, Louise. Am I still
in your father's will, huh?

[Chuckles] Good.

Well, darling,
they're gonna cut us off.

Yeah. I love you, angel.

Only you. [Kissing]

[Chuckling]

War horse?
Army mule?

- Margaret.
- Stuff it!

Margaret! I had to say those things.
Try to understand.

- Leave me alone, you chinless chipmunk!
- Margaret, please.

Remove your hand,
or I'll zap you with my knee!

Margaret.

I had to lie. The stocks
and the house are in her name.

Margaret, dear, why don't
I bring over my can of Sterno?

We can have some hot toddies,
and you can put on your new nightie.

You put on my new nightie.!

- Forty-five dollars.
- Sold.

Are alterations included?

Oh, go practice your putts.

[Hawkeye] What is this, Radar,
"How to Make Vaseline in Combat"?

- It's a home movie, sir.
- [B.J.] "How to Make
Vaseline at Home. "

No, it's Sunday dinner
at Ottumwa, Iowa.
My Uncle Ed took 'em.

- My mother's in there and everything.
- Ready to roll.

Everybody here? Hawkeye, B. J.,
me, Klinger, Radar? Let's go.

Oh, and Father Mulcahy.
I'm sorry.

That's quite all right.
I'm often mistaken for being absent.

- [Radar] Hey, focus it.
- I'm focusing.

That's my mother
and my dog Ranger.

That's my Uncle David.

Oh, that's my cousin, uh, Millie
and my Uncle Bill.

Hi.

[Radar] I love you, Walter.

- Gee, Dad, talkies.
- [Mulcahy] Who's Walter?

- That's my given name.
- Give it back.

[Klinger] What are they doing?

- [Radar] They're doing that
'cause I'm in the army.
- [B.J.] Since when?

[All Laughing]

[Mulcahy] Radar,
who's that man in the dark suit?

- That's my Uncle Bill.
- [Mulcahy] Is he a clergyman?

Uh, he wanted to be,
but he couldn't find a good corner.

[All Laughing]

- [Hawkeye] Oh, look at that food.!
- [B.J.] Oh, chocolate cake.!

- Yeah, my mom makes
great chocolate cake.
- [Hawkeye] Look at that milk.

[Klinger] I'd eat those flowers.

- [Mulcahy] Lovely table.
- [Hawkeye] What's in that bowl, Radar?

Oh, that fruit salad with
those little marshmallows.

- What do they call that?
- That fruit salad with
those little marshmallows.

- Right.
- [Mulcahy] Quiet for the grace.

[Radar] Thank you
for the world so sweet,
thank you for the food we eat.

Thank you for the birds that sing,
thank you, God, for everything.

[Mulcahy] Lovely.

[Hawkeye] Oh, look at the buns.!
Look at the buns.!

- [B.J.] Oh.
- [Radar] Yeah.

- [B.J.] Did your mother make those?
- Yeah. They smell great too.

- [Hawkeye] I know. I can smell them.
- This is my cousin Millie.

- She runs a charm school.
- Charm school?

[Radar] No kidding.
A charm school and gas station.

[All Laughing]

Hey, watch this guy.
That's my Uncle David.

Watch him now. Watch.

- [B.J.] The one with
the sense ofhumor.
- Yeah. I told you about him.

He can do binoculars
with corn on the cob...

salt and pepper shakers
and toilet paper rolls.

[Hawkeye] A meal in itself.

That's my mom
and Ranger again.

- [Hawkeye] You know,
you look a lot like Ranger.
- We grew up together.

[Radar] Gee. Oh, I think
it's gonna rain.

[Potter] Either that
or it's a two-pound robin.

- What was that, sir?
- Later.

[Hawkeye] She's gonna put
the flowers back in the ground.

That's my Aunt Emily too.

- [Hawkeye] What's this?
- Oh, I think they're going in
to listen to the radio.

- [B.J.] Jack Benny.
- Fred Allen.

- Bishop Sheen.
- "The Shadow knows."

## [Hums]

Bye, Uncle Dave.
Oh, there's my sled.

That's my cousin Jimmy.
Hejust started wearing those glasses.

Bye again, Ranger.

[No Audible Dialogue]

So long, Mrs. O'Reilly.

- [Potter] Nice pictures, Radar.
- Thank you, sir.

- [Potter] Radar?
- [Phone Rings]

I'll get it.

Radar certainly bears a striking
resemblance to his mother.

Well, he is wearing her genes.

Sir, it's Ohio! Your son!

Son, Dad.
Well, what's the big news?

The 23rd, 81/2 pounds.

And what's his name?

Cheryl? Sherry?

My grandson's a girl.

Oh, heck no,
I'm not disappointed.

How's Jeanine?
You give that soldier a big kiss.

Is Mother pleased?
Oh, can I talk...

Oh, phooey.

[Blowing]

- You too?
- I lost the baby pool.

- Bless my soul. I won.
- A little inside information, Father?

No, not at all. I just know
a little bit more about conceptions.

[Hawkeye] Lieutenant Kellye,
that cigar is you.

To Sherry Pershing Potter,
my granddaughter.

- A long and happy hitch.
- [All] Hear! Hear!

Here we go.
Reinforcements, Colonel Grandpa.

Klinger, where'd you get
that negligee?

- I found it in the garbage.
- War is such a waste.

Klinger, it's you.

# Let me call you sweetheart #

[All] # I'm in love with you ##