M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 4, Episode 13 - The Gun - full transcript
Radar has the toughest duties at the 4077. He has to disturb the officers' slumber if there is an emergency; Margaret is not all sweetness and light when she is wakened. It is Radar's responsibility to safeguard all valuables belonging to wounded patients. When the jeep of Col. Chaffey and his men is run off the road by a U.S. tank late one night, it is SOP for Radar to take Chaffey's vintage 1884 Colt .45 chrome revolver with bone grip and give him a receipt. Frank helps Radar store some rifles later that night and they both admire the beautiful old gun. Radar is the only one with keys to the gun cabinet and to the other bins where possessions are stored; he even showers with these keys. When the Colt .45 turns up missing, it is Radar who faces 15 years in the stockade. Radar says he will enter during infancy and leave during his adultery...Radar is so upset, he gets drunk on 1 beer. Everyone tries to help their pet Corporal; the camp is searched. Will the thief allow Radar to be sent up the river or will Chaffey's Colt .45 be returned?
## [Jazz]
[Knocking]
[Radar] Major?
##[Record Skipping]
- [Knocking]
- Major, ma'am?
- Major?
- [Screams]
How dare you paw me!
- I didn't paw you. I pawed your book!
- You're going on report!
- For what?
- For uncovering an officer's leg!
Ma'am, I never touched your leg!
Your leg was naked when I came in!
How dare you say "naked" to me!
- Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.
- Stop staring at my leg!
I'm not! I am!
Don't you wish you could
all the time... stare at it
and touch it and feel it!
- Oh, no, ma'am.
- You don't find it attractive?
Oh, yes, ma'am.
It's a beautiful leg.
- You think so?
- It reminds me of my pony back home,
only his hair's brown.
Out! Get out!
Wait a minute! Come back here!
- What do you want?
- Oh, yeah.
There's an ambulance coming in.
They want you to scrub.
- Don't touch that!
- Oh, gee.
- Just leave this tent
exactly the way you found it.
- You got it.
Exactly!
## [Jazz]
- What do we got here, Radar?
- Road accident.
This country's a course
in creative killing.
X rays here, Radar.
- Take him to X ray.
- Careful with him.
He may have busted ribs.
What have we got here?
More X rays.
- Right. Follow him.
- Right femur here.
Looks like Saturday night
at the speedway.
- Everything under control?
- So far.
- [B.J.] Be careful.
- You sure know how
to make a doctor crazy.
I may write you
an obscene prescription.
Ankle fractured.
Gonna check
for possible skull fracture.
We got knocked off the road
by a tank, Doc.
- He just kept going.
- A clear case of crush and run.
It was one of ours.
We were going up north with
Colonel Chaffey, and wham!
The tank crowds us
right into an embankment.
How can Americans
do that to each other?
Ever see Gone with the Wind?
I'll take care of that for him, Doc.
- He gets it when he goes. Radar...
- Colonel Chaffey's bats about that gun.
He'll get a receipt for it.
It's S.O.P., soldier.
Okay, guys, let's move him out.
- Whatever you say, Commodore.
- Sirs.
Look out.
[Man On P.A.]
Nurse Plummer, report to the O.R.
Nurse Plummer, please.
Nurse Gage to X ray.
Second post-op shift,
please report at 0500 hours.
[Potter] More people hurt
by vehicles than anything else
in battle. That's a fact.
Let me know if this hurts.
I almost bought it that way
in World War I.
I was taking a nap
on the side of a hill...
when I heard a low rumbling
I took to be distant artillery.
I looked up just in time
to roll out of the path
of a breakaway portable latrine.
- They didn't really have those.
- [Hawkeye] Absolutely.
America had the first armored
men's room. Right, Colonel?
You're a bigger liar than I am.
How's our colonel doing?
Broken ankle. Reckon he'll have
to rest up in the fort for a spell.
He came in totin'
a six-shooter.
- Chrome, with a bone grip.
- The kind we used to sign
Indian treaties with.
My Uncle Claude
collected fancy guns.
He was cleaning them one day
when his prized piece went off.
The bullet severed his foot,
kept going across the room
and killed the cat.
They buried Tabby
in one shoe box...
and Uncle Claude's toe
in another.
Really.
Isn't a G.I. -issue handgun
enough for these army types?
If you like packing hardware,
you're always looking
for a unique weapon.
So you can play soldier
while you're playing soldier.
My father wouldn't let me have
any toy that even looked like a gun.
I was miserable
till I discovered dolls.
I shot a bear once...
in the penny arcade.
I wanted to break through
that glass and fix up his shoulder.
- Hawk, you were a sensitive child.
- Oh, yes.
I studied the violin
till I beat up the teacher.
That hurt you yet?
I must be ready
to get my license.
[Man On P.A.]
Attention, Major Burns.
Attention, Major Houlihan.
Together again.
Majors Burns and Houlihan
to the compound, please.
If you liked them in the laundry room,
you'll love them in the compound.
- Oops, sorry, dear.
- It's okay, honey.
Gimme that, you nut!
Frank, you've got
to set an example.
Listen. I was sound asleep,
and suddenly there's all these wounded.
It's nearly midnight.
Why can't they fight
from 9:00 to 6:00?
Maybe the next war, Frank.
Maybe the next.
Can you pray somewhere else, Father?
You're genuflecting right in the way.
I was only offering
a bit of comfort.
I'll call you
when it's time for kindness.
Okay. Start an I.V.
Two units of plasma.
Klinger!
Come on, pal. Give me the gun.
You'll get it back, honest.
- What's the ruckus here?
- He won't let go of it, sir.
Oh, good for you, son.
A soldier's best friend is his gun.
You take care of it,
and it'll take care of you.
- He's unconscious, sir.
- That's all right. He understands.
Maybe if I was, I would.
- Did you call, ma'am?
- First litter. Ward three.
Okay. Chest, head injuries.
- Those are your best things.
- Oh.
- Coming through.
- Here. Let me help.
- The gun bin's on my way.
- Thank you, sir.
- Move your can!
- What?
- Move your can, sir.
- I'll remember that, doggie breath.
This will just take a minute, sir.
It's all right. I can't start
till Pierce and Hunnicutt
finish showing off in surgery.
You think you got enough
keys there, Corporal?
Oh, I need 'em all, sir.
This one's to Colonel Potter's office.
This is oats for his horse.
Oh, this one's to my bike in Iowa.
Every time my sister borrows it,
the chain slips.
What's that?
[Radar]
Yeah, how about that?
Ain't that something?
It's a gun, sir.
A colonel's gun.
It just came in tonight.
- Oh, that's an old beauty.
- Yes, sir.
Man, that feels good.
Perfectly balanced.
[Imitating John Wayne]
You better believe it, mister,
or you're dead where you stand.
- Who's that supposed to be?
- John Wayne.
John Wayne? He doesn't sound
anything like you.
No, sir.
Oh, that's a dandy piece.
Yes, sirree, Bob,
that's one shootin' iron.
I've, uh... Better put her
to bed, Corporal.
Yes, sir.
[Whistles]
Shouldn't you be
getting back to surgery, sir?
I'm sure in the dull
part of the war.
How do you feel this morning,
Colonel Chaffey?
Oh, about like you'd expect
after losing an argument with a tank.
- We checked on your jeep.
- Flattened?
They're shipping it to your house
and slipping it under the door.
You're in our
"lucky to be alive" department.
- How about my men?
- Okay, give or take a few fractures.
Are you the one
that fixed me up?
I just held the ball.
He did the punting.
I'd like to show you
my appreciation.
Maybe you could end the war
a day or two sooner.
We're not allowed to take cash.
I'll do my best.
Oh, hey, Doc, um, when I came in,
I was wearing a gun... a Colt.45.
Not to worry. The receipt
for that gun is right in here.
Oh, thanks, Doc.
I wouldn't want to lose that baby.
We think of everything.
When you're ready...
we even stamp your hand,
and you get right back into battle.
- [Knocking]
- Ah, who is it?
- [Frank] That "Major"person.
- Come in.
- Exercising?
- Yoga.
It's changing my whole life.
I feel so vital and alive!
You ought to try it.
Gets your blood moving.
I don't need it, you little Hindu.
I've got you. Ahhh.
Roughneck.
Ow! What is that?
Oh, sorry, sweets.
I forgot I was packing this.
How about these apples, huh?
Frank, it's gorgeous.
A Colt.45.
1884! Dad had one just like this.
Where did you get it?
Well, I've had it for years.
I finally sent for it.
I just missed my old pal.
Why don't you wear it
as a regular side arm?
Oh, it looks smashing.
- Oh, it's not for every day.
- Instead of your service.45.
Oh, wear it. It's adorable!
No, I think I'll keep it
under wraps for a while.
A-And don't say anything.
Everyone's jealous enough as it is.
Oh, I know.
What a surprise.
Who would have thought
you had a revolver like old Dad?
[Both Chuckling]
Okay, let's see...
6-9-2-3-4-8-3-3.
Just a sec.
[Jet Roaring]
Boy, sometimes it feels
like they're flying
in your ear and out the other.
Four-eight-three-three...
Here you go, guy.
Just like you left it.
- Thanks, Corporal.
- You're welcome. Take care.
Holy moley.!
[B.J.]
What's Stars and Stripes
have to say this morning, Colonel?
Eighty cadets were
just expelled from West Point
for cheating on their exams.
They should all be sentenced
to this breakfast.
I'm sick of this powdered stuff. Colonel,
couldn't we once have fresh eggs?
Only if you can lay 'em.
Ask a foolish question...
Well, at least one of you
still remembers his manners.
Not at all.
My shorts were just riding up on me.
Says here Eisenhower's
spending a lot of time playing golf.
More fun than playing president.
- What's his handicap?
- A lot of people say Nixon.
- Colonel...
- That's me, Radar.
Sir, I have something to report
that I wish I could do almost
anything else instead of...
but which I guess
I got no choice.
If you bring that sentence in
for a fitting, I can have it
shortened by Wednesday.
- One of the casualties, son?
- No, sir.
You know that
Colonel Chaffey's gun...
the fancy job...
bone grips, shiny barrel?
Yes.
- It's gone.
- Stolen?
- It's out of the gun bin.
- Anybody but you handle the keys?
They never leave me.
I sleep with them.
- I shower with them.
- Rusty they'll never get.
- When did you see the gun last?
- Last night, Major Burns and I
stored some rifles.
What are they staring at?
Don't worry. From that angle,
they can't see under the table.
He couldn't have taken it, sir.
We both left together.
Someone must have
lifted your keys.
I never should
have gone to sleep.
You can't stay awake
for the duration, Radar.
Even MacArthur went to sleep.
Only when he was
being given orders.
Radar, we'll turn the camp inside out.
If it's here, we'll find it.
We're not gonna let you spend
15 years in the stockade.
Fifteen years, sir?
Well, that's what
you can get for this.
I'll be in my 30s.
That's almost dead.
- Father.
- Colonel.
Is it possible
to pray for a revolver?
A gun?
You want to pray for a gun?
- That's right.
- Is it at least American?
Thanks.
Colonel Chaffey?
I'm Colonel Potter,
C.O. Of the hospital.
And a fine one it is, Colonel.
You've taken good care
of a lot of my people.
We've got a pretty good
life-and-limb shop here.
But I, for one, wouldn't mind
going out of business.
- Lots of headaches?
- I've got one now that you may
have to take an aspirin for.
Your gun is missing.
- Damn it! I had a feeling that...
- Stolen from the gun bin.
- Well, have you searched the base?
- Thoroughly.
We've confiscated a ton
of moonshine equipment...
a three-day-pass printing press...
and a cockfight training camp.
- But no gun.
- Not yet.
- Well, who was in charge of the gun bin?
- A corporal.
Corporal who?
What was the "non-com-poop's" name?
O'Reilly.
- I want him, Colonel.
- I'll get him.
Not the whole corporal.
Just his head... on a platter!
[Man On P.A.]
Attention, all personnel. Attention.
Tonight's movie
is Kansas City Confidential.
This will be of special interest
to anyone who missed it...
when it was shown
every night this month.
- Hi, Frank.
- That's what you think.
- Got a minute, Frank?
- For what?
- Nothing really.
- Oh, you can have all that you want.
- No funny stuff.
- Us? Frank!
Last time we were alone,
you whitewashed my behind.
We've given up still lifes, Frank.
Take five, fellas.
What do you want?
If it's money, I'm strapped myself.
We know, Frank.
You're sending 11 nephews
through ballet school.
- It isn't money.
- Good.
- It's about a gun.
- I haven't touched it.
- Touched what?
- The gun.
- Which gun?
- Whichever one you're talking about.
- Let us describe it.
- That's fair enough.
That way you'll know
what you're talking about.
- That's not necessary for me.
- It helps us.
- Suit yourself.
- [Air Hissing]
- The gun.
- A collector's item.
- An old western six-shooter.
- The steel is chromed.
- With bone handles.
- Right.
- And I haven't seen it!
- Radar says you did.
That miserable little fink.
He's a dirty, rotten fibber!
It's congenital.
He's incapable of telling the truth.
- Radar is a fibber?
- That's right... a born liar.
- Radar?
- Yes!
- He says you didn't take it.
- Well, why would he lie?
- Frank.
- What more do you want?
You've got his word against mine.
Frank, if that gun doesn't turn up...
Colonel Chaffey is gonna
chuck Radar in the stockade.
I'm very fond of Radar, Frank.
He's both the child
and pet I never had.
- What's that to me?
- Frank, we know how you appreciate guns.
Isn't it possible,
if you saw a unique old weapon...
you might just want to borrow it
for a while... just to study it?
- That's not what happened!
- And you just couldn't
get it back in time...
to get the heat off Radar?
Frank, don't make us
get the whitewash.
- Radar is innocent until
proven guilty. Correct?
- Correct.
But he and only he seems to be entitled
to that sort of consideration. Correct?
Hah!
Don't you hate it
when he's right?
Boy, you really got to watch out
for yourself in the army.
I found that out, boy.
It's every man for himself.
- How many beers you had?
- One.
Take it easy, huh?
It's okay.
I know just when to throw up.
Yeah, in the service, you got to
cover up your you know what...
or you'll get it kicked.
You'll get your rear end kicked
right in the butt.
- You're telling me?
- You're probably the only guy
who understands.
I don't know how I smile
through the makeup.
I just hope whoever swiped that gun
has a lot of fun with it.
I hope he has a lot of fun with it while
I'm spending 15 years in the stockade.
- Ah, you ain't spending no fifteen years.
- Fifteen years!
By the time I get out,
I'll be a hardened "crinimal."
Take it easy.
You're getting yourself
all "morosed" up.
First they'll bust me,
then they'll take away my stripes.
Do you know how proud I was
to get them?
There's 400 kids in my old high school...
Ottumwa Central.
[Singsong]
Ottumwa. Give me an O.
Give me a T-T-T.
When I made corporal
after basic training...
I sent every one of them
a picture of me in my stripes.
I sat in one of those
four-for-a-quarter booths...
and took 400 pictures of myself.
It cost me 25 bucks,
and I had to sit there for 16 hours.
But everyone got a picture.
And now they can just tear them up
because my corporal days are over.
Fifteen years.
My earthworms
will be dead and buried.
Things don't happen
till they do. You know?
Fifteen years!
I'm going to jail
in my puberty...
and I won't come out
till my adultery.
[Clears Throat]
Attention, please.
Colonel Potter speaking.
The result of our search
for the missing Colt.45...
has been one big goose egg.
The consequences can be serious.
If whoever stole the missing gun
will give it back...
there will be
no questions asked.
Your cooperation will be
more than greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
Ahhh.
- [Crash]
- [Whispering] Rats!
These are probably
for his dumb bicycle.
Excuse me, sir, Colonel.
What is it?
My name is Radar O'Reilly.
I'm the guy who had his picture
taken for 16 hours for nothin'...
on account of your gun.
So you're the man responsible.
Yes, I am.
And I've got something to say...
no respect intended.
What do you need
a gun like that for anyway?
Corporal, you're drunk.
[Imitating John Wayne]
You better believe it, mister,
or I'm dead where you stand.
[Gunshot]
My bear went off!
Father, was that a shot
I just heard?
It may have been.
It sounded like it.
But I don't want to start
any unsubstantiated rumors.
- But that's the scuttlebutt.
- Thank you, Father.
- [Knocking]
- Who is it?
- It's me, Margaret.
Open this stupid door.!
- Frank, what?
- I've been wounded, Margaret. Help me.
- Frank, where?
In the foot. I was...
cleaning my gun... the Colt...
- and it accidentally went off.
- Frank, that's not your gun.
I was passing the supply room...
and I saw someone trying to put
the colonel's gun back in the bin,
and I jumped him.
We struggled, and he shot me!
Or they did. He may have been
more than one person.
- Careful.
- Okay, okay.
- Oh.
- It just nicked the side.
[Whimpering]
Well, it hurts, Margaret.
It may not look bad,
but it's killing me.
I have a low threshold of pain.
A hemorrhoid can put me
into a coma.
- Frank, you stole that Colt!
- Hmm?
I never! It's just that
I appreciate guns...
and it's a unique old weapon...
so I wanted to borrow it
to study.
And then people misunderstood,
so I put it back.
Only the key wouldn't fit,
and it was dark.
You lied to me, Frank!
That's worse than stealing.
Well, I happen to think
stealing is worse than lying.
- And you did both!
- So I ought to know.
[Whimpering]
Oh, my foot is throbbing, Margaret.
- Oh, all right. I'll get some dressing.
- No, please, later.
Let it quiet down
out there first.
Ohhh.
I did a terrible thing, Margaret.
Oh, it's all right now.
I should have known better.
- Well, at least you regret it.
- Oh, never again.
When you steal something,
don't ever try to return it.
Corporal, I'm glad we were together
when my gun was found.
Couldn't have proved better
that you were guiltless.
And I didn't do it either, sir.
Colonel, as one old soldier to another,
I'd lose that revolver.
- It's a troublemaker.
- What do you suggest?
Drop it in the sea. Give it to a museum.
Put it under glass somewhere.
It's my gun.
I'll keep it till I die.
- [Engine Starts]
- And it won't surprise me a bit.
- Adios.
- So long.
- Feel better, Radar?
- Except for my hangover, sir.
Everything's all jumpy and blurry.
I didn't have a drink,
and I got the same problem.
[B.J.]
What's the matter, Frank?
Kick a brick under a derby?
Maybe the gout.
All that rich food.
Oh, it's, uh, an old football injury,
if you must know.
- It acts up once in a while.
- I wouldn't use a bandage, Frank.
The powder burns
will heal faster that way.
Well, of course they will.
I know that.
Powder burns?
What are you implying?
Nothing, Frank.
It was just a shot in the dark.
Check.
- Ah.
- [Chuckling]
[Knocking]
[Radar] Major?
##[Record Skipping]
- [Knocking]
- Major, ma'am?
- Major?
- [Screams]
How dare you paw me!
- I didn't paw you. I pawed your book!
- You're going on report!
- For what?
- For uncovering an officer's leg!
Ma'am, I never touched your leg!
Your leg was naked when I came in!
How dare you say "naked" to me!
- Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.
- Stop staring at my leg!
I'm not! I am!
Don't you wish you could
all the time... stare at it
and touch it and feel it!
- Oh, no, ma'am.
- You don't find it attractive?
Oh, yes, ma'am.
It's a beautiful leg.
- You think so?
- It reminds me of my pony back home,
only his hair's brown.
Out! Get out!
Wait a minute! Come back here!
- What do you want?
- Oh, yeah.
There's an ambulance coming in.
They want you to scrub.
- Don't touch that!
- Oh, gee.
- Just leave this tent
exactly the way you found it.
- You got it.
Exactly!
## [Jazz]
- What do we got here, Radar?
- Road accident.
This country's a course
in creative killing.
X rays here, Radar.
- Take him to X ray.
- Careful with him.
He may have busted ribs.
What have we got here?
More X rays.
- Right. Follow him.
- Right femur here.
Looks like Saturday night
at the speedway.
- Everything under control?
- So far.
- [B.J.] Be careful.
- You sure know how
to make a doctor crazy.
I may write you
an obscene prescription.
Ankle fractured.
Gonna check
for possible skull fracture.
We got knocked off the road
by a tank, Doc.
- He just kept going.
- A clear case of crush and run.
It was one of ours.
We were going up north with
Colonel Chaffey, and wham!
The tank crowds us
right into an embankment.
How can Americans
do that to each other?
Ever see Gone with the Wind?
I'll take care of that for him, Doc.
- He gets it when he goes. Radar...
- Colonel Chaffey's bats about that gun.
He'll get a receipt for it.
It's S.O.P., soldier.
Okay, guys, let's move him out.
- Whatever you say, Commodore.
- Sirs.
Look out.
[Man On P.A.]
Nurse Plummer, report to the O.R.
Nurse Plummer, please.
Nurse Gage to X ray.
Second post-op shift,
please report at 0500 hours.
[Potter] More people hurt
by vehicles than anything else
in battle. That's a fact.
Let me know if this hurts.
I almost bought it that way
in World War I.
I was taking a nap
on the side of a hill...
when I heard a low rumbling
I took to be distant artillery.
I looked up just in time
to roll out of the path
of a breakaway portable latrine.
- They didn't really have those.
- [Hawkeye] Absolutely.
America had the first armored
men's room. Right, Colonel?
You're a bigger liar than I am.
How's our colonel doing?
Broken ankle. Reckon he'll have
to rest up in the fort for a spell.
He came in totin'
a six-shooter.
- Chrome, with a bone grip.
- The kind we used to sign
Indian treaties with.
My Uncle Claude
collected fancy guns.
He was cleaning them one day
when his prized piece went off.
The bullet severed his foot,
kept going across the room
and killed the cat.
They buried Tabby
in one shoe box...
and Uncle Claude's toe
in another.
Really.
Isn't a G.I. -issue handgun
enough for these army types?
If you like packing hardware,
you're always looking
for a unique weapon.
So you can play soldier
while you're playing soldier.
My father wouldn't let me have
any toy that even looked like a gun.
I was miserable
till I discovered dolls.
I shot a bear once...
in the penny arcade.
I wanted to break through
that glass and fix up his shoulder.
- Hawk, you were a sensitive child.
- Oh, yes.
I studied the violin
till I beat up the teacher.
That hurt you yet?
I must be ready
to get my license.
[Man On P.A.]
Attention, Major Burns.
Attention, Major Houlihan.
Together again.
Majors Burns and Houlihan
to the compound, please.
If you liked them in the laundry room,
you'll love them in the compound.
- Oops, sorry, dear.
- It's okay, honey.
Gimme that, you nut!
Frank, you've got
to set an example.
Listen. I was sound asleep,
and suddenly there's all these wounded.
It's nearly midnight.
Why can't they fight
from 9:00 to 6:00?
Maybe the next war, Frank.
Maybe the next.
Can you pray somewhere else, Father?
You're genuflecting right in the way.
I was only offering
a bit of comfort.
I'll call you
when it's time for kindness.
Okay. Start an I.V.
Two units of plasma.
Klinger!
Come on, pal. Give me the gun.
You'll get it back, honest.
- What's the ruckus here?
- He won't let go of it, sir.
Oh, good for you, son.
A soldier's best friend is his gun.
You take care of it,
and it'll take care of you.
- He's unconscious, sir.
- That's all right. He understands.
Maybe if I was, I would.
- Did you call, ma'am?
- First litter. Ward three.
Okay. Chest, head injuries.
- Those are your best things.
- Oh.
- Coming through.
- Here. Let me help.
- The gun bin's on my way.
- Thank you, sir.
- Move your can!
- What?
- Move your can, sir.
- I'll remember that, doggie breath.
This will just take a minute, sir.
It's all right. I can't start
till Pierce and Hunnicutt
finish showing off in surgery.
You think you got enough
keys there, Corporal?
Oh, I need 'em all, sir.
This one's to Colonel Potter's office.
This is oats for his horse.
Oh, this one's to my bike in Iowa.
Every time my sister borrows it,
the chain slips.
What's that?
[Radar]
Yeah, how about that?
Ain't that something?
It's a gun, sir.
A colonel's gun.
It just came in tonight.
- Oh, that's an old beauty.
- Yes, sir.
Man, that feels good.
Perfectly balanced.
[Imitating John Wayne]
You better believe it, mister,
or you're dead where you stand.
- Who's that supposed to be?
- John Wayne.
John Wayne? He doesn't sound
anything like you.
No, sir.
Oh, that's a dandy piece.
Yes, sirree, Bob,
that's one shootin' iron.
I've, uh... Better put her
to bed, Corporal.
Yes, sir.
[Whistles]
Shouldn't you be
getting back to surgery, sir?
I'm sure in the dull
part of the war.
How do you feel this morning,
Colonel Chaffey?
Oh, about like you'd expect
after losing an argument with a tank.
- We checked on your jeep.
- Flattened?
They're shipping it to your house
and slipping it under the door.
You're in our
"lucky to be alive" department.
- How about my men?
- Okay, give or take a few fractures.
Are you the one
that fixed me up?
I just held the ball.
He did the punting.
I'd like to show you
my appreciation.
Maybe you could end the war
a day or two sooner.
We're not allowed to take cash.
I'll do my best.
Oh, hey, Doc, um, when I came in,
I was wearing a gun... a Colt.45.
Not to worry. The receipt
for that gun is right in here.
Oh, thanks, Doc.
I wouldn't want to lose that baby.
We think of everything.
When you're ready...
we even stamp your hand,
and you get right back into battle.
- [Knocking]
- Ah, who is it?
- [Frank] That "Major"person.
- Come in.
- Exercising?
- Yoga.
It's changing my whole life.
I feel so vital and alive!
You ought to try it.
Gets your blood moving.
I don't need it, you little Hindu.
I've got you. Ahhh.
Roughneck.
Ow! What is that?
Oh, sorry, sweets.
I forgot I was packing this.
How about these apples, huh?
Frank, it's gorgeous.
A Colt.45.
1884! Dad had one just like this.
Where did you get it?
Well, I've had it for years.
I finally sent for it.
I just missed my old pal.
Why don't you wear it
as a regular side arm?
Oh, it looks smashing.
- Oh, it's not for every day.
- Instead of your service.45.
Oh, wear it. It's adorable!
No, I think I'll keep it
under wraps for a while.
A-And don't say anything.
Everyone's jealous enough as it is.
Oh, I know.
What a surprise.
Who would have thought
you had a revolver like old Dad?
[Both Chuckling]
Okay, let's see...
6-9-2-3-4-8-3-3.
Just a sec.
[Jet Roaring]
Boy, sometimes it feels
like they're flying
in your ear and out the other.
Four-eight-three-three...
Here you go, guy.
Just like you left it.
- Thanks, Corporal.
- You're welcome. Take care.
Holy moley.!
[B.J.]
What's Stars and Stripes
have to say this morning, Colonel?
Eighty cadets were
just expelled from West Point
for cheating on their exams.
They should all be sentenced
to this breakfast.
I'm sick of this powdered stuff. Colonel,
couldn't we once have fresh eggs?
Only if you can lay 'em.
Ask a foolish question...
Well, at least one of you
still remembers his manners.
Not at all.
My shorts were just riding up on me.
Says here Eisenhower's
spending a lot of time playing golf.
More fun than playing president.
- What's his handicap?
- A lot of people say Nixon.
- Colonel...
- That's me, Radar.
Sir, I have something to report
that I wish I could do almost
anything else instead of...
but which I guess
I got no choice.
If you bring that sentence in
for a fitting, I can have it
shortened by Wednesday.
- One of the casualties, son?
- No, sir.
You know that
Colonel Chaffey's gun...
the fancy job...
bone grips, shiny barrel?
Yes.
- It's gone.
- Stolen?
- It's out of the gun bin.
- Anybody but you handle the keys?
They never leave me.
I sleep with them.
- I shower with them.
- Rusty they'll never get.
- When did you see the gun last?
- Last night, Major Burns and I
stored some rifles.
What are they staring at?
Don't worry. From that angle,
they can't see under the table.
He couldn't have taken it, sir.
We both left together.
Someone must have
lifted your keys.
I never should
have gone to sleep.
You can't stay awake
for the duration, Radar.
Even MacArthur went to sleep.
Only when he was
being given orders.
Radar, we'll turn the camp inside out.
If it's here, we'll find it.
We're not gonna let you spend
15 years in the stockade.
Fifteen years, sir?
Well, that's what
you can get for this.
I'll be in my 30s.
That's almost dead.
- Father.
- Colonel.
Is it possible
to pray for a revolver?
A gun?
You want to pray for a gun?
- That's right.
- Is it at least American?
Thanks.
Colonel Chaffey?
I'm Colonel Potter,
C.O. Of the hospital.
And a fine one it is, Colonel.
You've taken good care
of a lot of my people.
We've got a pretty good
life-and-limb shop here.
But I, for one, wouldn't mind
going out of business.
- Lots of headaches?
- I've got one now that you may
have to take an aspirin for.
Your gun is missing.
- Damn it! I had a feeling that...
- Stolen from the gun bin.
- Well, have you searched the base?
- Thoroughly.
We've confiscated a ton
of moonshine equipment...
a three-day-pass printing press...
and a cockfight training camp.
- But no gun.
- Not yet.
- Well, who was in charge of the gun bin?
- A corporal.
Corporal who?
What was the "non-com-poop's" name?
O'Reilly.
- I want him, Colonel.
- I'll get him.
Not the whole corporal.
Just his head... on a platter!
[Man On P.A.]
Attention, all personnel. Attention.
Tonight's movie
is Kansas City Confidential.
This will be of special interest
to anyone who missed it...
when it was shown
every night this month.
- Hi, Frank.
- That's what you think.
- Got a minute, Frank?
- For what?
- Nothing really.
- Oh, you can have all that you want.
- No funny stuff.
- Us? Frank!
Last time we were alone,
you whitewashed my behind.
We've given up still lifes, Frank.
Take five, fellas.
What do you want?
If it's money, I'm strapped myself.
We know, Frank.
You're sending 11 nephews
through ballet school.
- It isn't money.
- Good.
- It's about a gun.
- I haven't touched it.
- Touched what?
- The gun.
- Which gun?
- Whichever one you're talking about.
- Let us describe it.
- That's fair enough.
That way you'll know
what you're talking about.
- That's not necessary for me.
- It helps us.
- Suit yourself.
- [Air Hissing]
- The gun.
- A collector's item.
- An old western six-shooter.
- The steel is chromed.
- With bone handles.
- Right.
- And I haven't seen it!
- Radar says you did.
That miserable little fink.
He's a dirty, rotten fibber!
It's congenital.
He's incapable of telling the truth.
- Radar is a fibber?
- That's right... a born liar.
- Radar?
- Yes!
- He says you didn't take it.
- Well, why would he lie?
- Frank.
- What more do you want?
You've got his word against mine.
Frank, if that gun doesn't turn up...
Colonel Chaffey is gonna
chuck Radar in the stockade.
I'm very fond of Radar, Frank.
He's both the child
and pet I never had.
- What's that to me?
- Frank, we know how you appreciate guns.
Isn't it possible,
if you saw a unique old weapon...
you might just want to borrow it
for a while... just to study it?
- That's not what happened!
- And you just couldn't
get it back in time...
to get the heat off Radar?
Frank, don't make us
get the whitewash.
- Radar is innocent until
proven guilty. Correct?
- Correct.
But he and only he seems to be entitled
to that sort of consideration. Correct?
Hah!
Don't you hate it
when he's right?
Boy, you really got to watch out
for yourself in the army.
I found that out, boy.
It's every man for himself.
- How many beers you had?
- One.
Take it easy, huh?
It's okay.
I know just when to throw up.
Yeah, in the service, you got to
cover up your you know what...
or you'll get it kicked.
You'll get your rear end kicked
right in the butt.
- You're telling me?
- You're probably the only guy
who understands.
I don't know how I smile
through the makeup.
I just hope whoever swiped that gun
has a lot of fun with it.
I hope he has a lot of fun with it while
I'm spending 15 years in the stockade.
- Ah, you ain't spending no fifteen years.
- Fifteen years!
By the time I get out,
I'll be a hardened "crinimal."
Take it easy.
You're getting yourself
all "morosed" up.
First they'll bust me,
then they'll take away my stripes.
Do you know how proud I was
to get them?
There's 400 kids in my old high school...
Ottumwa Central.
[Singsong]
Ottumwa. Give me an O.
Give me a T-T-T.
When I made corporal
after basic training...
I sent every one of them
a picture of me in my stripes.
I sat in one of those
four-for-a-quarter booths...
and took 400 pictures of myself.
It cost me 25 bucks,
and I had to sit there for 16 hours.
But everyone got a picture.
And now they can just tear them up
because my corporal days are over.
Fifteen years.
My earthworms
will be dead and buried.
Things don't happen
till they do. You know?
Fifteen years!
I'm going to jail
in my puberty...
and I won't come out
till my adultery.
[Clears Throat]
Attention, please.
Colonel Potter speaking.
The result of our search
for the missing Colt.45...
has been one big goose egg.
The consequences can be serious.
If whoever stole the missing gun
will give it back...
there will be
no questions asked.
Your cooperation will be
more than greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
Ahhh.
- [Crash]
- [Whispering] Rats!
These are probably
for his dumb bicycle.
Excuse me, sir, Colonel.
What is it?
My name is Radar O'Reilly.
I'm the guy who had his picture
taken for 16 hours for nothin'...
on account of your gun.
So you're the man responsible.
Yes, I am.
And I've got something to say...
no respect intended.
What do you need
a gun like that for anyway?
Corporal, you're drunk.
[Imitating John Wayne]
You better believe it, mister,
or I'm dead where you stand.
[Gunshot]
My bear went off!
Father, was that a shot
I just heard?
It may have been.
It sounded like it.
But I don't want to start
any unsubstantiated rumors.
- But that's the scuttlebutt.
- Thank you, Father.
- [Knocking]
- Who is it?
- It's me, Margaret.
Open this stupid door.!
- Frank, what?
- I've been wounded, Margaret. Help me.
- Frank, where?
In the foot. I was...
cleaning my gun... the Colt...
- and it accidentally went off.
- Frank, that's not your gun.
I was passing the supply room...
and I saw someone trying to put
the colonel's gun back in the bin,
and I jumped him.
We struggled, and he shot me!
Or they did. He may have been
more than one person.
- Careful.
- Okay, okay.
- Oh.
- It just nicked the side.
[Whimpering]
Well, it hurts, Margaret.
It may not look bad,
but it's killing me.
I have a low threshold of pain.
A hemorrhoid can put me
into a coma.
- Frank, you stole that Colt!
- Hmm?
I never! It's just that
I appreciate guns...
and it's a unique old weapon...
so I wanted to borrow it
to study.
And then people misunderstood,
so I put it back.
Only the key wouldn't fit,
and it was dark.
You lied to me, Frank!
That's worse than stealing.
Well, I happen to think
stealing is worse than lying.
- And you did both!
- So I ought to know.
[Whimpering]
Oh, my foot is throbbing, Margaret.
- Oh, all right. I'll get some dressing.
- No, please, later.
Let it quiet down
out there first.
Ohhh.
I did a terrible thing, Margaret.
Oh, it's all right now.
I should have known better.
- Well, at least you regret it.
- Oh, never again.
When you steal something,
don't ever try to return it.
Corporal, I'm glad we were together
when my gun was found.
Couldn't have proved better
that you were guiltless.
And I didn't do it either, sir.
Colonel, as one old soldier to another,
I'd lose that revolver.
- It's a troublemaker.
- What do you suggest?
Drop it in the sea. Give it to a museum.
Put it under glass somewhere.
It's my gun.
I'll keep it till I die.
- [Engine Starts]
- And it won't surprise me a bit.
- Adios.
- So long.
- Feel better, Radar?
- Except for my hangover, sir.
Everything's all jumpy and blurry.
I didn't have a drink,
and I got the same problem.
[B.J.]
What's the matter, Frank?
Kick a brick under a derby?
Maybe the gout.
All that rich food.
Oh, it's, uh, an old football injury,
if you must know.
- It acts up once in a while.
- I wouldn't use a bandage, Frank.
The powder burns
will heal faster that way.
Well, of course they will.
I know that.
Powder burns?
What are you implying?
Nothing, Frank.
It was just a shot in the dark.
Check.
- Ah.
- [Chuckling]