M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 4, Episode 1 - Welcome to Korea - full transcript
In a contrived plot where Hawkeye takes a separate R&R in Tokyo from fellow Swamp Rat, Trapper, Hawkeye returns back to the 4077 in a rickshaw. Frank and Hotlips are letting power go to their beady little heads, not realizing the Army never entrusts the command of 100+ Army souls to an officer with less than the rank of Lt. Colonel. Our Trapper is already gone (with the same ill wind that took Henry Blake) and America never gets to say a real farewell to Trapper John Francis Xavier McIntyre. The young replacement, whose file inspires hope in the small heart of Hotlips, is Captain B.J. Hunnicutt. Two months ago, he was doing his residency in Sausalito with his wife, Peggy, eight months pregnant in their Mill Valley home; a five week crash course at Fort Sam Houston was his prelude to the wilds of Hawkeye, Radar and Korea. Frank and Margaret wish they got their paws on BJ first but he was obviously always 100% Swamp Rat.
[Muttering]
- Corporal.
- Oh. Mmm.
- O'Reilly.!
- Huh?
Yeah, Ma. Feed the chickens,
slop the pigs. I know. Soo-ee!
Come on, soldier,
hit the deck!
You're supposed to wake me, you know.
I'm your commanding officer.
Oh! Korea!
- I'm not supposed to wake you.
- That's very kind of you, sir. It's really...
- I'm not interested in kindness.
- I've heard that, sir.
- I've had enough of your oversleeping.
- I just do it in the mornings.
Haven't I told you
not to sleep in your uniform?
Sir, the-the blankets itch.
There's things in 'em.
Nonsense. Did you sleep
in your clothes at home?
I was more
of a person there, sir.
- Let's go. I wanna get assembly started.
- Yes, sir.
- Where's your bugle?
- It's over there.
Where?
In the file cabinet under "B."
- And your clipboard's under "C," of course.
- No. "K."
- I'd like to know what you're
doing in this man's army.
- Me too, sir.
- All right, let's move.
- I'm moving, sir.
- Don't you brush your teeth in the morning?
- After breakfast.
- I want it done before!
- That way I can taste the food.
All right!
Gut in, chest out, chin up!
Let's set an example
for the camp, huh?
Hey-yup, hey-yup.
Rat-ta-ta-ta.
Hey-yup, hey-yup, hey-yup.
Hey-yup, hey-yup, hey-yup.
Hey-yup, hey-yup, hey-yup.
Hey-yup, hey-yup.
Hey-yup, hey-yup.
Hey-yuppy-pa-pa-pa.
Pa-pa-pa-pa.
Pa-pa-pa-pa.
- Synchronize watches.
- Right.
- Sir?
- What is it?
I dropped my watch in the latrine,
and I really don't want it back.
- Just purse your lips and stand by.
- [Making Put-Put Sounds]
Coming up 0516, hack!
Hack!
Now!
## ["Assembly"]
- Twenty seconds.
- Check.
- Hack.
- Shut up.
- Shutting up, sir!
Disgusting!
- Today's assembly took two
seconds longer than yesterday's.
- Major Burns?
- Yes, Father?
- I have us two seconds
quicker than yesterday.
Your watch must be off.
Hardly likely. It was given
to me by my bishop.
- Klinger!
- Sir!
How dare you wear that hat
while in uniform!
It's spring, sir!
I've warned you. That crazy stuff's
not going to get you out.
Next time I find you in a hat or a brassiere...
heh, heh... I'll promote you.
Major.
Don't forget to water
the flowers.
I'd like your strict attention, people,
please. I have some announcements.
Corporal O'Reilly.
Clipboard, sir!
A can of Danish ham
is missing from my office.
It was a personal ham sent to me
by my insurance man.
Unless the guilty party, whoever he
and/or she is, returns it immediately...
he, she or they will be
severely disciplined.
Two: The movie. In future,
those attending...
- will stand at attention when
I arrive and again when I leave.
- [Mulcahy] Sir?
May I pose
a hypothetical question?
- Uh, yes, Father.
- Suppose you leave in
the middle of the picture?
Uh, well,
we're working on that.
We'll let you know
by the end of the week.
- Three: Scrub room detail.
- [Vehicle Approaching]
Stop, please.
Here we are. This is good. On the corner
of 42nd Street and Filth Avenue.
- Captain!
- No man calls me that and lives.
Captain Pierce.! Officers
returning from leave...
are supposed to check in with the
commanding officer upon their return!
Hello, honey. I'm home.
- What's the tab, Melvin?
- Ten bucks, American.
Here's 20. Buy yourself a new bicycle seat
before you get hemorrhoids.
- Thanks, Joe!
- Consider it a gift from a man
who has everything.
Captain Pierce!
For you, Frank.
It's a MacArthur doll.
Wind him up and he returns
from anywhere.
- [Laughing]
- Pierce! Stop!
[Margaret] He's defying your authority.
The whole company's laughing at you.
Oh, I'll handle that.
Company, dismissed!
Blow them away, Corporal.
## [Off-Key Bugling]
Hawkeye? Hey!
Hawkeye? Hey, Hawkeye?
Just one note, Radar, and I'll show you
a new way to play that thing.
- No, I wasn't gonna... Listen.
- Shh.
Softly, Radar.
Talk in small letters.
I have the Mount Rushmore
of hangovers.
Six aspirin companies are bidding
for my head. But I wanna tell you folks...
- Ah, yes, sir. Ah...
- You ever had a mouthful of cotton, Radar?
No, sir. We were vegetarians.
Listen...
I think I'll have my breakfast in here.
Soap could only improve it.
We couldn't reach you in Tokyo.
We tried for 24 hours.
That was the idea. I was on R-and-R.
Resting and recreating.
- We couldn't find you anyplace.
- I was with an unlisted geisha.
She did the mile in ten minutes
and eight seconds and never left my back.
I just wanted you to know we couldn't
reach ya. And we really tried.
What'd you need me for? You had
Frank Burns and trusty Trapper John...
champion of the oppressed
and molester of registered nurses.
He's gone, Hawkeye. He got his orders.
He's been shipped stateside.
- What?
- Trapper's gone. He got his orders.
Trapper went home?
- Yeah, or he's on his way.
- What the hell are you
talking about? How? When?
- He found out about three days ago.
- Why didn't you call me?
I said we tried!
- I can't believe it.
- Neither could he.
He got drunk for two days,
and then he ran naked through
the mess tent with no clothes on.
[Chuckles]
How could he leave
without saying good-bye?
He waited around
as long as he could.
No note? A letter?
Nothing?
Uh, no.
Nothing?
Well, he did say that
I should give you something, but, uh...
What? What-what-what-what?
What-what-what?
- Ah, gee, I can't.
- What?
[Sighs] Okay, but just remember
this was his idea.
- How long ago did he leave?
- Couple hours. He's taking
an early plane out of Kimpo.
- Today? This morning?
- Yeah.
No! Aw, gee!
I don't mind the disrespect behind my back.
It's the "in front of people"that hurts.
I wish Pierce had gone
and Mclntyre had stayed.
- Oh, Frank, have you forgotten?
- Hmm?
The time Mclntyre sedated you
and shaved every bit of hair off your body.
He's still better than Pierce. God only knows
how he carried on in Tokyo.
- I'm sure.
- Oh, Margaret.
Margaret, whatever happened to good
old meat-and-potatoes Christianity?
Whatever happened
to Aimee McPherson?
Poor soul went up in her plane
and was never heard from again.
Frank, that was Amelia Earhart.
Oh, yeah.
Well, there's still a few giants
left in this old world.
Do you think it'd be all right if I took a pen
and wrote in a bold, military hand...
- "To Frank, with eternal gratitude. Doug."?
- I do not.
Oh, gee, Margaret!
Ever since I've been commanding officer,
you don't let me do anything.
- Frank?
- It's about time you checked in.
I'm checking out. I'm going
to Kimpo to say good-bye to Trapper.
You're not going anywhere.
And stop leaking on my desk!
Frank, I lived with the guy for over a year.
He's my best friend.
You're exaggerating
his importance.
- He was very important to you too, Frank.
- Says who?
For over a year he kept me
from killing you. See you in two hours.
Pierce, we cannot be caught
with our complement down.
Listen, Mrs. First Lady, I checked.
We've only got two patients in post-op.
A nurse who was bitten on
her nameplate by Sergeant Niles...
and Sergeant Niles
with a broken jaw.
- Papers just came through
on Captain Hunnicutt, sir.
- Who?
Captain Mclntyre's replacement.
He's due at Kimpo within the hour.
Permission granted to go pick him up?
Permission granted, Corporal.
Oh. Sorry, Major.
Hmm? Oh, it's all right, Major.
Permission granted, Corporal.
Thank you, Major. Major.
[Frank]
Why are you wet too?
Uh, must be something
in the water, sir.
Take it off.
First, get into a dry uniform.
- Rats ate it.
- Oh, Lord.
Request permission
to go to my quarters, sir!
- Oh, scram!
- Scramming, sir!
What a dodo.
Frank, look!
Hunnicutt's fresh out of residency.
Stanford Medical School.
Wonderful qualifications.
And look at this.
Tau Phi Epsilon.
- Is that a very selective fraternity?
- Very! They blackballed me.
- Oh, Frank.
- They insisted on double-breasted
tuxedos. I didn't have one.
- Poor baby.
- I dyed my brown suit,
but it ran when I danced.
- You tend to perspire.
- It's a family thing on my mother's side.
Dad was always dry,
but Mom sweated a lot.
Yeah. I've got his face
and her glands.
Look at this!
Top ten every time he graduated.
He certainly sounds like
our kind of person. [Laughing]
Oh, it'll be a welcome change from all the
guff we took from those two "smartskis."
Hunnicutt. Hunnicutt.
I knew a Dr. Hunnicutt. He was killed
in an explosion at the goiter clinic.
What an opportunity.
Ayoung doctor on his first assignment.
And we'll train him
our way, Frank.
You know, Margaret,
I have a feeling.
- I'll bet he's Republican.
- Oh!
Oh, that would be
too much to ask.
Thanks, Igor.
- Move over, Radar.
- Why?
Because you drive like I spit.
- You're not supposed to go with me.
- Move!
- Is that a direct order?
- Would I do that to you?
- Major Burns will have my tail in a sling.
- He'll never know.
He's crazy! He's always feeling
my toothbrush to see if it's wet.
Wakes me up at night
and inspects me in my shorts.
- Radar.
- I can't.
Who lets you develop
the nurses' chest X rays? Huh?
Who stayed up with you the night
your earthworm farm was wiped out?
If anybody asks,
I'm completely ignorant.
I'll swear to that in court.
[Engine Starts]
[Honking]
[Laughs]
[Radar Laughing]
Isn't this terrific?
Whoo!
Whee!
[Laughing]
Wow, is this fun!
Ya-hoo!
Radar, please.
I'm trying to get a little sleep.
[Radar Laughing]
Checkpoint.
- What are you doing?
You're not stopping!
- Quiet!
Hey, you,
where're you going?
[Guards Shouting]
Oh, boy, now we're in trouble!
He's calling ahead.
What are they gonna do?
Throw us out of the war?
Thanks. I'll get 'em.
Pull up. Block the road.
- I hated going through
that checkpoint, Lieutenant.
- Yeah?
I got a pretty sick boy back here.
I'm Captain Pierce, surgeon, 4077 th.
I gotta get him to the hospital, 121 st.
What's wrong with him?
Neurapraxia.
Worst case I've ever seen.
What's that?
Neurapraxia?
It's a temporary loss of nerve function.
I've got him sedated now.
Otherwise he'd foam at the mouth,
crawl on the ground, try to bite his nose.
Very contagious.
Aren't you afraid to get it?
I can only carry the germ.
Okay, he's okay.
Move him out.
Thanks, Lieutenant.
Love your work.
- Boy, you got the guts of a burglar.
- I'm not missing Trapper.
Hey, was that true what you said
back there to that M. P...
about that
"neurotaxicab" whatever?
Neurapraxia.
It's a real sickness.
But don't worry. Only people
who bite their nails can get it.
[Man Over P.A. System]
Sergeant Sturner, report to maintenance.
Sergeant Sturner,
on the double.
There's the MATS office.
They'll probably know where Trapper is.
- I'm gonna try to find Captain Hunnicutt.
- Yeah, you do that, Radar.
I can't understand it, sir. The pickles were
flown here top priority with the pimientos.
- Yes, sir. The general did get
the pimientos, didn't he?
- Sergeant.
Yes, sir.
Are you sure, Colonel?
I specifically ordered red pimientos.
I know how the general hates the green ones.
I will definitely follow through
on the pickles and pimientos.
Who's in charge
of this delicatessen?
Ah, golf balls are no problem, sir.
How many gross, sir?
Where are your flight
manifests? Stateside.
Yes, sir. Uh, one gross
will be no problem at all.
Yes, sir. No, sir.
One gross, sir. Yes, sir.
- He left ten minutes ago.
- I remember the Swiss clock, sir.
- With a cuckoo. Yes, sir.
Yes, I have it all down, sir.
- Thanks.
Pickles, pimientos,
balls and cuckoos.
Captain Pierce? Captain Pierce, sir,
Captain Hunnicutt.
- I missed Trapper by ten minutes.
Ten lousy minutes!
- Ohhh.
- Captain Pierce.
- Hi.
- Can you believe that?
- You couldn't have "droven" any faster.
I let that geisha take
one too many laps on my back.
- Anything I can help with?
- Huh?
- Can I help?
- No, no, no. Forget it.
- Let's go home.
- Let's go home, all right?
Let's get outta here.
- Where's the jeep, Radar?
- It's right here!
There is no jeep here. There's only
a whole lot of here here.
I knew it! I knew it!
I knew it!
- All right, no sweat.
- Gee, it's been stolen.
Listen, I'm responsible.
I signed that jeep out!
I'll have to pay for it,
and I'm poor!
[Honking]
Hey! Holy cow!
- Things always this calm around here?
- It's the only war in town.
I gotta get it back.
Call an M.P. Hey, hey!
Radar. Radar! Radar.
If you can keep your head
while all about you are losing theirs...
then you probably haven't checked
with your answering service.
Rudyard Kipling.
Good. Give that man
a lady in the balcony.
- Hey, listen, that jeep
is government property.
- So are you.
I never thought of it that way.
Pierce, I'm just
a little confused.
- Hawkeye. And don't let a little
confusion throw you, Captain.
- B. J.
One of the first things you learn here is that
insanity is no worse than the common cold.
How are we gonna get back?
We don't got any wheels.
Here is the eminent Captain Hunnicutt,
fresh from the U.S. Of A...
and you and I
are talking about cars.
- Let us welcome yon weary
traveler with food and drink.
- Kipling?
- Auto Club.
- Right.
- Hey! Wait a minute.
I can't go in there.
- Pish tosh.
I'm just a corporal.
You think that kept Hitler
out of the officers' club?
I really wouldn't want
to get him into any trouble.
No problem. Just let me have
some of your costume jewelry.
I've only had five weeks of indoctrination.
Is this what they call a field promotion?
For being brave and nearsighted
above and beyond the call.
Losing a jeep, impersonating
an officer, all in two hours.
If I get in trouble,
my mother will kill me!
What are mothers for?
Hey, wait a minute.
What about my stripes?
Radar, you've heard of lieutenant generals,
sergeant majors?
You are now
a corporal captain.
Maybe I'd better wait in the car.
Radar, there is no car to wait in.
That's what we came in here to forget.
I forgot.
- What'll you have, Captain?
- Bourbon and water.
And you, Captain?
- Captain?
- Not so loud.
I'll have the usual,
a Grape Nehi.
Two bourbon and water,
and a Grape Nehi for Captain O'Reilly.
[Jet Engines Roaring]
They always fly so low?
They're not low.
The ground here is very high.
- He's not usually like this.
He's just like that.
- You're gonna love it over here.
Camping out, betting on rat races,
hot and cold running dysentery.
To think what
I've been missing.
- You married?
- Mm-hmm.
You bring your wife with you?
- I thought I'd come ahead and check it out.
- Hmm.
- You married?
- Someone's gonna have
to get me pregnant first.
There's two on the aisle.
Thank you.
Does the, uh, captain
want a straw?
We don't use straws
in combat, fella.
B. J., welcome to Korea.
Land of the Morning Calm.
For 5,000 years,
50 centuries...
fought over, mauled and occupied
by Mongols, Manchus, Chinese...
Russians, Japanese, Americans,
16 U.N. Countries...
and appearing this week only,
Professor Jerry Colonna.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Yeah.
Ohhh! There's
real grape flavor in this.
Tough it out, cowboy.
Why don't you let me
stand outside, Hawkeye?
Hawkeye.
Why Hawkeye?
That's from
The Last of the Mohicans.
My father was crazy about that book.
He was crazy about Indians.
My grandfather used to sell them
whiskey and hors d'oeuvres.
[Jet Engine Roaring]
Feel like you just stepped
into a time machine?
Two months ago,
I'm in residency in Sausalito.
Little house in Mill Valley,
Peggy's eight months pregnant.
And they draft me.
Five weeks' training
at Fort Sam Houston.
Bunch of doctors stumbling around
in the dark, totally lost.
Some idiot shooting live ammo
over your heads.
- American plan.
- Hawkeye?
- Huh?
- That colonel.
What colonel, Radar? There's enough
brass in here to make a spittoon.
Over there at 8:00.
He keeps staring at me.
He's probably crazy about you.
Go ahead, B. J.
Then one night, Peggy and I
are at the Top of the Mark.
Her first night out
since having the baby.
- We go home. Our baby-sitter,
Norma Jean, says there's a message.
- Wait a minute.
- Norma Jean?
- Mm-hmm.
- Eighteen? Oooh!
- Sixteen.
The message? "In two days,
report to Travis to ship out."
Next thing I know,
here I am.
- Hawk? He's coming over here.
- Huh?
- Play hard to get.
- Don't horse around.
- Boys.
- Sir.
- Colonel.
You all know this is
an officers' club, don't you?
I'm a captain,
plainclothes division.
Uh-huh. Corporal's stripes
and captain's bars?
That's a new directive
from the pentagon, Colonel.
That's out of G-2 and G-3...
making a G-5 combined
officers op-tech glitch.
We're experimenting with a new rank:
Corporal captain.
We're here making a survey.
Want to see if everybody likes it.
Uh, asking everybody in Seoul.
- Coleman Hawkins, right?
- Right.
I don't like it.
I don't like it at all.
- Put down one "no." One against.
- Right.
One negative corporal captain.
Thank you, Colonel. We really
appreciate your help in this.
No sir.
I don't like it at all.
He doesn't like it at all.
Play it again, Sam.
Another Nehi. Gee, if I get gas,
nobody's ever gonna believe I'm an officer.
Radar, President Truman gets gas.
They just don't print it in the papers.
What's the 4077 like?
Meatball surgery.
Nothing pretty.
But once we get a casualty to our front door,
his chance of survival is 97.8%% .
- That says a lot for the staff.
- It's a good bunch.
You missed two of the greatest
guys in the world though.
Henry Blake was our C.O.
Henry was okay, from the navel
out in every direction.
He sure was.
Henry never made it home.
And I just missed Trapper John, the guy you're
replacing, by ten minutes. Ten minutes!
- We tried to call you.
- You sure he didn't leave
a message or anything?
No. Just what I gave you.
And please don't ask for another one.
Listen. Major Burns is waiting for us.
That's our C.O. Now.
Bottom of the barrel.
Major Burns.
Major Frank Burns.
Everybody calls him Ferret Face.
That'll give you an idea
how devoted we are to him.
- Is he a good surgeon?
- With the same light touch
as a German jazz band.
Number one nurses though.
And a good young chaplain.
You'll be bunking with me.
- Not too much snoring, I hope.
- Only when I'm awake.
All you really have to worry about is getting
me in my coffin before the sun comes up.
Fair enough.
Well, I guess we'd better start
thinking about how we're gonna
get back to camp, huh?
- We'll have the bill, my good man.
- $1.20.
Ahhh. Pay him,
Corporal Captain.
- I only got about 70 cents.
- A big promotion like that,
they didn't give you a raise?
This one's on me.
You play poker, Doctor?
- I'm not very good.
- Neither am I.
General.
[Gasps]
Look, Radar, our jeep!
- It's a general's jeep!
- No, no, no.
What they've done, in order
to get into the officers' club...
they put a general's flag on our jeep.
- It's not!
- I can prove it. Test me.
- It's olive drab, right? Made in Detroit?
- They all say that.
Mud underneath? Four seats
that can reduce your behind to tears?
- Yeah, but...
- They didn't fool me for a minute.
- Throw your stuff in the back, B. J.
- Listen, you've been drinking. I drive.
All right. Deal.
Next stop, Bed Bug City!
Take this thing.
Okay, Radar, follow
the yellow brick road.
I'd like that worked into
next Sunday's sermon, Father,
if you can possibly manage it.
"Strength through obedience."
The discipline of this unit,
the lack of respect, is disgraceful!
I've had notes stuffed in my suggestion box
that would curl your dickey, Father.
These lads are under
terrific stress, Major.
They are? What about
the stress of command?
I'm running the hospital, the staff,
the supplies, looking right.
I have one Korean,
a college graduate...
who does nothing but keep my boots
shined at all times.
It costs me three cigarettes
a day, but it's worth it.
- I'll look forward to next Sunday, Father.
- I look forward to all of them.
I don't get you.
- Major Burns. Father.
- Major.
Did you give permission
that I didn't know about...
- for Captain Pierce to leave this camp?
- I certainly did not!
- Well, he's not anywhere to be found.
- Nowhere?
- That's right!
- Have you looked everywhere?
Obviously I've looked everywhere if
I know that he's not anywhere or nowhere!
- I'm sure it can all be explained.
- Keep your nose out of this!
- Frank!
- Oh. Sorry, Father. Sorry, Mother.
Margaret.
Hey! I lost my hat!
I lost my hat!
Your cookies will be next.
- Holy Toledo! It's the same M.P.!
- I told them to wait.
- Why'd you do that?
Oh, you didn't do that!
- I'm just joking.
- Well, this ain't funny.
- That's the trick, Radar.
You sure put in a long day,
Lieutenant.
A lot of infiltrators
on the road.
Yeah. They sure give the war
a bad name.
There was no room for him at the 121 st,
so we're taking him back to the 4077.
He can drive now?
It's good therapy.
This is Dr. Hunnicutt.
- Hunnicutt?
- [B.J.] Yo.
Specialist. We flew him in
for his operation.
Soon as we get back,
he's gonna... get on his nerves.
And he can drive now?
We put a temporary filling
in his ear.
- Different.
- Different?
Different jeep.
The jeep is different!
Oh! Yes! Yeah.
Sharp eye, Lieutenant. Good.
Yes, this different jeep
is definitely a different jeep.
We picked it up in Seoul. It was stolen
from our C.O. [Chuckles]
What's his name?
Major Burns.
Major Frank Burns.
- Medicine's answer to longevity.
- Frank Burns.
Or Ferret Face.
He answers to both.
- This is weird.
- [Radar Muttering]
[Muttering]
[Shouting]
Move out!
Stop up ahead, Radar.
Stop!
- Will you stop that! Stop!
- What's going on?
They're making sure the field
is okay for farming.
The daughters are checking for land mines.
If the girls survive, it's safe for the ox.
[Speaking Korean]
[B.J.] There are live mines
in that field?
I say we don't find out.
Hey.! Stop it.!
- Chung-ji.
- Chung-ji.!
Chung-ji.!
- Who's the father? Are you the father?
- [Korean]
- He told 'em to go ahead
and not pay no attention to ya.
- Is he crazy?
Listen to me! How can you do this?
You know what you're doing?
U-san! That's what you are.
You understand?
That's in your own language.
U- san. That's what you are!
- What?
- You just called him an umbrella.
- What? L... What's the word...
- [Explosion]
Radar! How are you
gonna get out? Radar!
- What are you doing?
Are you crazy? Come back here.!
- [B.J.] O'Reilly.!
- Be careful!
- How are you gonna get out again?
- [Hawkeye] Radar.!
- Come on, follow me. Hold on to me.
- Put your feet in the same spot.
- Watch it! Come back the way you went in.
[Hawkeye] Straight.
Just come straight toward us.
[B.J.]
Easy, easy.
Be careful!
- [Hawkeye] Come straight, Radar.!
- That's it, easy, easy.
Oh! Easy.
- Fragments in her leg. Shock.
- I guess the army's got a few more of these.
- Get her in the jeep, will ya?
- Holy cow!
- Hey, hey! Wait a minute!
- Wait a minute. Hold it.
We can't take... No, no.
The ox does not ride for free.
- Radar, tell 'em. No ox, no ox.
- Right. No ox! No ox!
You stay here.
- [Korean]
- What? What?
- He says there's a hospital up the road.
- Okay. Stay, stay.
[Speaking Korean]
Hang on.
- You've got a lot of nerve, fella!
- That was very brave, Radar.
What?
[Hawkeye]
Running into a mine field.
[Radar]
Did I run into a mine field?
Boy, that was brave.
There's a new officer coming in,
and I want this place spotless, Corporal.
First impressions
are lasting impressions.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness.
My mother says that.
Why bring her into it?
I never even met your mother.
- What are those earrings doing in your ears?
- Just hanging there, sir.
- Take them off!
- Yes, sir!
You, uh, got anything
crazy on under your clothes?
Nothing crazier than you got
under yours, sir.
Get rid of these
filthy nudist magazines!
[Whistles] Hey, I thought
they were strictly volleyball.
- They play croquet and everything.
- Look at these socks!
Boots covered with blood.
Animals!
Here's some people clipping hedges.
That could be dangerous.
Get on with it.
Throw those away.
"Girl phoning." Wonder what
a naked girl sounds like on the phone.
- Klinger.!
- Yes, sir!
[Frank's Voice]
Beats me how some people treat this war
as if it were some kind of picnic...
when it's really a privilege
to be asked to serve in the army.
'Course it's notjust our army.
We're here with the U. N...
which I personally have nothing against,
except that it's full of foreigners.
Of course, it's what did in
your League of Nations.
Are all the local hospitals
that awful, that primitive?
They're about 100 years ahead
at being behind.
- Boy, the smell!
- Radar, watch the road.
I'll do the smelling.
- [Banging Sound]
- Oh! Oh, boy.
Oh, gee! I've never changed
a tire in my life!
I'll get it. Give me a lug wrench.
I'll take off the spare.
I thought you used
your mother's car.
I did, but she
always changed the tires.
Wait a minute. You're a surgeon.
You'll wreck your hands.
So I'll become a bugler.
I come from
three generations of doctors.
I swear to you,
I have never seen hospital
conditions like that.
What they lack in sanitation,
they make up for in poverty.
- [Radar] Here come some locals.
- [Hawkeye] It's a semi-free country.
- Oh, gee!
- What?
I left my bubble gum
in the other jeep.
Whose picture
was on the card?
- Rosalind Russell.
- We just won't tell her.
Oh, boy! That general
sure has tight lugs.
[Grunting] We're gonna get him in
for surgery one of these days.
Hi. What do you say?
Just taking our afternoon flat.
Nice to see you.
I just got in.
Wheel's coming off the ground.
- Good job, Radar.
- Thank you, sir.
Uh-oh, Andy.
Holy smoke.
What is it?
The Koreans all went into the woods.
They may be guerrillas, maybe.
Either that or they're
having a gang toidy.
We'd better get outta here. Let's be calm,
guys, with undertones of frantic.
Bring the spare, B. J.
Out of the way, Radar.
Move!
- They shoot at doctors?
- Doctors, lawyers, Indian chiefs.
Anybody. Any movement.
- [Rifle Shots]
- And I'm about to have one.
- I think I hate this.
- You sure we need all four tires?
- [Rifle Shots]
- Get the thing to take the car down.
Jack it down.
- [Rifle Shots]
- Radar, stop that. I, l...
Get away from me, will ya?
Is it down? Got it?
All right. Now just get these out.
Let's get outta here!
- [Rifle Shots]
- [Arguing]
- Wait a minute.
- Radar!
This is a general's jack!
- Salute it and get in!
- [Rifle Shots]
[Hawkeye]
Down! Keep down!
- Everybody all right?
- I've been better.
My legs are shaking.
- Do what you always do.
- Oh, yeah.
- Sedative?
- Chiclet.
You okay, B. J.?
Scared is closer. There's a bullet hole
in the seat right next to me.
Boy, that general
is gonna have a fit.
Why should he?
We fixed his flat, didn't we?
[Vehicle Approaching]
Anybody here from Maine?
- [Soldier] I'm from Vermont.
- Close, but no cigar.
- [B. J.] How 'bout California?
- Watts.
- [Radar] How 'bout Iowa?
- Yo!
- Ottumwa, Iowa?
- Ottumwa did its bit, Radar.
They sent you.
[Soldier]
Take cover! Hit the ground!
[Shouting]
- Now what?
- Mortars.
They can make you a tenor
in the boys' choir in two seconds.
[Soldier] Where's that stuff coming from?
Anyone see it?
Gimme that radio.
- Able Six, this is Two Six. Over.
- [Radio] Two Six, this is Six.
He's 12 years old!
He'll never make 13.
- Medic.!
- Come on!
[Radio] Roger, I see what you've got.
Hold tight. I'm working on a mission now.
Medic! Medic!
- We're doctors. Let me have
your medical bag.
- Yes, sir.
Straighten that up for me,
will you? Radar!
Am I gonna die?
Hell no! You're staying here
with the rest of us. Chiclets!
- Here, sir.
- Bite on that. We're not
allowed to carry bullets.
A little sulfa here.
- Radar?
- Yeah?
Have somebody
call in our choppers.
- The 80-double nickel's closer.
- Do that then.
You're gonna pull through, Slippery.
- Captain Hunnicutt!
- [Groaning]
- The guy over by the jeep!
- Right!
[Officer Shouting] Stay down.! Watch
the flank over there.! Watch the left.!
- It's okay, pal, I'm a doctor.
- It's my leg, Doc.
- Is everything else down there?
- Yeah. Just mortar fragments.
I don't feel anything, Doc.
I just feel numb.
We'll have you to MASH
in a few minutes.
- Nurses and everything?
- Don't know. I'm new in town.
[Radio] Roger. There'll be stuff splashing
on that hill to your front right now.
[Coughing]
I think the shelling's stopped.
[Coughing]
Probably just
a temper tantrum. B. J.?
Probably just
a temper tantrum. B. J.?
Rest easy, pal.
[Hawkeye]
Good shot.
Let me have that bag.
He's had it.
- Well, let's try!
- [Coughing]
Oh, gee.
[Coughing]
Radar, tie this tightly
around his...
Sir.! Our lieutenant took one
right in the wallet.
Don't forget. This is
your first day at school.
The worst part is,
you'll get used to all of this.
All right, saddle up, you people.
Let's go. On your feet.
[Hawkeye]
Radar, we need the bag!
Okay, you're gonna be okay.
[Helicopter Approaching]
Move it. Move it out.
Let's go, let's go.
Very well, Sergeant.
O'Reilly met Hunnicutt at Kimpo.
He picked him up.
You can just bet Pierce
had something to do with this.
Nobody's seen him for six hours,
that big snot!
Margaret, I'm going to train Hunnicutt
in my image. Soldierly, efficient.
Yes. Give me a man when he's 28,
and he's mine for life.
- Frank.
- Yes, dear?
For a moment there,
you looked like you had a chin.
[Honking]
- Are we there?
- Camp's just across the road.
This is a rest stop.
You look like you
could use a belt.
Sir, we really should
deliver the captain.
We gotta get him started
on his ulcer first. Forward... drink!
- Hello, Kim.
- Hi, Hawkeye, Radar.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Sake with beer?
- Make it two.
Uh, Nehi Grape.
Kinda quaint.
- Toilet.
- Didn't wanna say that.
In two months, this'll look
like the Top of the Mark.
[Man] Don't give me
none of your lip...
[Hawkeye] Any diversion is welcome,
except the diversions become routine.
Crazy thing is, hell though it is, I think
I feel closer to the people in this hospital...
than I've ever been to anybody else
in my life... or ever expect to.
- Keep 'em coming, Kim.
- On Hawkeye's tab?
- Right. I'm entertaining a client.
- My teeth will turn purple.
Women love that.
I really can't wait
to see the place.
- You can wait.
- [Fighting Continues]
You've heard of a military post?
This is a compost.
Everything we've got is surplus.
The lice are surplus.
Only the wounded are new.
Supplies are a joke.
The tedium is relieved
only by the boredom.
I can't think of a single reason why
we're here, except we're needed.
So, pitch in, muddle through,
pip pip and the whole schmear.
Ours not to reason why,
ours not to let 'em die.
Drink up. You're behind.
In other words, do your job
as best you can, and shove...
You got it.
Please!
I'm with friends.
- They're all out of maraschino cherries.
- Kim, some more sake.
[Laughing]
[Laughing Continues]
Sir, Sir, I'll drive.
I'll drive, sir.
- I'm driving.
- Sir, you can't.
- Why not? Says who?
- You're not sober, sir.
Boy, I would really resent that
if I wasn't drunk.
- You sure you don't want me to drive?
- [Honks]
[Honking]
[Honking Continues]
He's here!
[Laughing]
Major Burns, Major Houlihan...
may I present
Captain B. J. Hunnicutt.
[Laughing]
What say you, Ferret Face?
[Vehicle Approaching]
This is it.
Hey, what's going on?
I'm in charge here. Major Burns.
Sir, this jeep is the property
of Major General Cornell Dickering.
- I don't know what you're talking about!
- You'll have to come with me.
What?
I'd vouch for this man's character,
Lieutenant, but he doesn't have any.
Snot! Snot! Snot!
Have I ever lied to you?
[Man Over P.A. System]
Attention. Attention, please.
The following personnel are permanently
assigned to the MASH 4077.
Alan Alda as Hawkeye.
Mike Farrell as B.J. Hunnicutt.
Loretta Swit
as Hot Lips Houlihan.
Larry Linville as Frank Burns.
Gary Burghoff as Radar O'Reilly.
William Christopher
as Father Mulcahy.
Jamie Farr as Corporal Klinger.
And reporting for duty
as new commanding officer...
at 1600 hours,
19 September, 1952...
Harry Morgan as Colonel Sherman Potter,
regular army.
God help us all.
[Honking]
[Honking]
Stick that horn in your ear.
On your feet, soldier.
I'm Colonel Potter.
Oh, boy.
- Corporal.
- Oh. Mmm.
- O'Reilly.!
- Huh?
Yeah, Ma. Feed the chickens,
slop the pigs. I know. Soo-ee!
Come on, soldier,
hit the deck!
You're supposed to wake me, you know.
I'm your commanding officer.
Oh! Korea!
- I'm not supposed to wake you.
- That's very kind of you, sir. It's really...
- I'm not interested in kindness.
- I've heard that, sir.
- I've had enough of your oversleeping.
- I just do it in the mornings.
Haven't I told you
not to sleep in your uniform?
Sir, the-the blankets itch.
There's things in 'em.
Nonsense. Did you sleep
in your clothes at home?
I was more
of a person there, sir.
- Let's go. I wanna get assembly started.
- Yes, sir.
- Where's your bugle?
- It's over there.
Where?
In the file cabinet under "B."
- And your clipboard's under "C," of course.
- No. "K."
- I'd like to know what you're
doing in this man's army.
- Me too, sir.
- All right, let's move.
- I'm moving, sir.
- Don't you brush your teeth in the morning?
- After breakfast.
- I want it done before!
- That way I can taste the food.
All right!
Gut in, chest out, chin up!
Let's set an example
for the camp, huh?
Hey-yup, hey-yup.
Rat-ta-ta-ta.
Hey-yup, hey-yup, hey-yup.
Hey-yup, hey-yup, hey-yup.
Hey-yup, hey-yup, hey-yup.
Hey-yup, hey-yup.
Hey-yup, hey-yup.
Hey-yuppy-pa-pa-pa.
Pa-pa-pa-pa.
Pa-pa-pa-pa.
- Synchronize watches.
- Right.
- Sir?
- What is it?
I dropped my watch in the latrine,
and I really don't want it back.
- Just purse your lips and stand by.
- [Making Put-Put Sounds]
Coming up 0516, hack!
Hack!
Now!
## ["Assembly"]
- Twenty seconds.
- Check.
- Hack.
- Shut up.
- Shutting up, sir!
Disgusting!
- Today's assembly took two
seconds longer than yesterday's.
- Major Burns?
- Yes, Father?
- I have us two seconds
quicker than yesterday.
Your watch must be off.
Hardly likely. It was given
to me by my bishop.
- Klinger!
- Sir!
How dare you wear that hat
while in uniform!
It's spring, sir!
I've warned you. That crazy stuff's
not going to get you out.
Next time I find you in a hat or a brassiere...
heh, heh... I'll promote you.
Major.
Don't forget to water
the flowers.
I'd like your strict attention, people,
please. I have some announcements.
Corporal O'Reilly.
Clipboard, sir!
A can of Danish ham
is missing from my office.
It was a personal ham sent to me
by my insurance man.
Unless the guilty party, whoever he
and/or she is, returns it immediately...
he, she or they will be
severely disciplined.
Two: The movie. In future,
those attending...
- will stand at attention when
I arrive and again when I leave.
- [Mulcahy] Sir?
May I pose
a hypothetical question?
- Uh, yes, Father.
- Suppose you leave in
the middle of the picture?
Uh, well,
we're working on that.
We'll let you know
by the end of the week.
- Three: Scrub room detail.
- [Vehicle Approaching]
Stop, please.
Here we are. This is good. On the corner
of 42nd Street and Filth Avenue.
- Captain!
- No man calls me that and lives.
Captain Pierce.! Officers
returning from leave...
are supposed to check in with the
commanding officer upon their return!
Hello, honey. I'm home.
- What's the tab, Melvin?
- Ten bucks, American.
Here's 20. Buy yourself a new bicycle seat
before you get hemorrhoids.
- Thanks, Joe!
- Consider it a gift from a man
who has everything.
Captain Pierce!
For you, Frank.
It's a MacArthur doll.
Wind him up and he returns
from anywhere.
- [Laughing]
- Pierce! Stop!
[Margaret] He's defying your authority.
The whole company's laughing at you.
Oh, I'll handle that.
Company, dismissed!
Blow them away, Corporal.
## [Off-Key Bugling]
Hawkeye? Hey!
Hawkeye? Hey, Hawkeye?
Just one note, Radar, and I'll show you
a new way to play that thing.
- No, I wasn't gonna... Listen.
- Shh.
Softly, Radar.
Talk in small letters.
I have the Mount Rushmore
of hangovers.
Six aspirin companies are bidding
for my head. But I wanna tell you folks...
- Ah, yes, sir. Ah...
- You ever had a mouthful of cotton, Radar?
No, sir. We were vegetarians.
Listen...
I think I'll have my breakfast in here.
Soap could only improve it.
We couldn't reach you in Tokyo.
We tried for 24 hours.
That was the idea. I was on R-and-R.
Resting and recreating.
- We couldn't find you anyplace.
- I was with an unlisted geisha.
She did the mile in ten minutes
and eight seconds and never left my back.
I just wanted you to know we couldn't
reach ya. And we really tried.
What'd you need me for? You had
Frank Burns and trusty Trapper John...
champion of the oppressed
and molester of registered nurses.
He's gone, Hawkeye. He got his orders.
He's been shipped stateside.
- What?
- Trapper's gone. He got his orders.
Trapper went home?
- Yeah, or he's on his way.
- What the hell are you
talking about? How? When?
- He found out about three days ago.
- Why didn't you call me?
I said we tried!
- I can't believe it.
- Neither could he.
He got drunk for two days,
and then he ran naked through
the mess tent with no clothes on.
[Chuckles]
How could he leave
without saying good-bye?
He waited around
as long as he could.
No note? A letter?
Nothing?
Uh, no.
Nothing?
Well, he did say that
I should give you something, but, uh...
What? What-what-what-what?
What-what-what?
- Ah, gee, I can't.
- What?
[Sighs] Okay, but just remember
this was his idea.
- How long ago did he leave?
- Couple hours. He's taking
an early plane out of Kimpo.
- Today? This morning?
- Yeah.
No! Aw, gee!
I don't mind the disrespect behind my back.
It's the "in front of people"that hurts.
I wish Pierce had gone
and Mclntyre had stayed.
- Oh, Frank, have you forgotten?
- Hmm?
The time Mclntyre sedated you
and shaved every bit of hair off your body.
He's still better than Pierce. God only knows
how he carried on in Tokyo.
- I'm sure.
- Oh, Margaret.
Margaret, whatever happened to good
old meat-and-potatoes Christianity?
Whatever happened
to Aimee McPherson?
Poor soul went up in her plane
and was never heard from again.
Frank, that was Amelia Earhart.
Oh, yeah.
Well, there's still a few giants
left in this old world.
Do you think it'd be all right if I took a pen
and wrote in a bold, military hand...
- "To Frank, with eternal gratitude. Doug."?
- I do not.
Oh, gee, Margaret!
Ever since I've been commanding officer,
you don't let me do anything.
- Frank?
- It's about time you checked in.
I'm checking out. I'm going
to Kimpo to say good-bye to Trapper.
You're not going anywhere.
And stop leaking on my desk!
Frank, I lived with the guy for over a year.
He's my best friend.
You're exaggerating
his importance.
- He was very important to you too, Frank.
- Says who?
For over a year he kept me
from killing you. See you in two hours.
Pierce, we cannot be caught
with our complement down.
Listen, Mrs. First Lady, I checked.
We've only got two patients in post-op.
A nurse who was bitten on
her nameplate by Sergeant Niles...
and Sergeant Niles
with a broken jaw.
- Papers just came through
on Captain Hunnicutt, sir.
- Who?
Captain Mclntyre's replacement.
He's due at Kimpo within the hour.
Permission granted to go pick him up?
Permission granted, Corporal.
Oh. Sorry, Major.
Hmm? Oh, it's all right, Major.
Permission granted, Corporal.
Thank you, Major. Major.
[Frank]
Why are you wet too?
Uh, must be something
in the water, sir.
Take it off.
First, get into a dry uniform.
- Rats ate it.
- Oh, Lord.
Request permission
to go to my quarters, sir!
- Oh, scram!
- Scramming, sir!
What a dodo.
Frank, look!
Hunnicutt's fresh out of residency.
Stanford Medical School.
Wonderful qualifications.
And look at this.
Tau Phi Epsilon.
- Is that a very selective fraternity?
- Very! They blackballed me.
- Oh, Frank.
- They insisted on double-breasted
tuxedos. I didn't have one.
- Poor baby.
- I dyed my brown suit,
but it ran when I danced.
- You tend to perspire.
- It's a family thing on my mother's side.
Dad was always dry,
but Mom sweated a lot.
Yeah. I've got his face
and her glands.
Look at this!
Top ten every time he graduated.
He certainly sounds like
our kind of person. [Laughing]
Oh, it'll be a welcome change from all the
guff we took from those two "smartskis."
Hunnicutt. Hunnicutt.
I knew a Dr. Hunnicutt. He was killed
in an explosion at the goiter clinic.
What an opportunity.
Ayoung doctor on his first assignment.
And we'll train him
our way, Frank.
You know, Margaret,
I have a feeling.
- I'll bet he's Republican.
- Oh!
Oh, that would be
too much to ask.
Thanks, Igor.
- Move over, Radar.
- Why?
Because you drive like I spit.
- You're not supposed to go with me.
- Move!
- Is that a direct order?
- Would I do that to you?
- Major Burns will have my tail in a sling.
- He'll never know.
He's crazy! He's always feeling
my toothbrush to see if it's wet.
Wakes me up at night
and inspects me in my shorts.
- Radar.
- I can't.
Who lets you develop
the nurses' chest X rays? Huh?
Who stayed up with you the night
your earthworm farm was wiped out?
If anybody asks,
I'm completely ignorant.
I'll swear to that in court.
[Engine Starts]
[Honking]
[Laughs]
[Radar Laughing]
Isn't this terrific?
Whoo!
Whee!
[Laughing]
Wow, is this fun!
Ya-hoo!
Radar, please.
I'm trying to get a little sleep.
[Radar Laughing]
Checkpoint.
- What are you doing?
You're not stopping!
- Quiet!
Hey, you,
where're you going?
[Guards Shouting]
Oh, boy, now we're in trouble!
He's calling ahead.
What are they gonna do?
Throw us out of the war?
Thanks. I'll get 'em.
Pull up. Block the road.
- I hated going through
that checkpoint, Lieutenant.
- Yeah?
I got a pretty sick boy back here.
I'm Captain Pierce, surgeon, 4077 th.
I gotta get him to the hospital, 121 st.
What's wrong with him?
Neurapraxia.
Worst case I've ever seen.
What's that?
Neurapraxia?
It's a temporary loss of nerve function.
I've got him sedated now.
Otherwise he'd foam at the mouth,
crawl on the ground, try to bite his nose.
Very contagious.
Aren't you afraid to get it?
I can only carry the germ.
Okay, he's okay.
Move him out.
Thanks, Lieutenant.
Love your work.
- Boy, you got the guts of a burglar.
- I'm not missing Trapper.
Hey, was that true what you said
back there to that M. P...
about that
"neurotaxicab" whatever?
Neurapraxia.
It's a real sickness.
But don't worry. Only people
who bite their nails can get it.
[Man Over P.A. System]
Sergeant Sturner, report to maintenance.
Sergeant Sturner,
on the double.
There's the MATS office.
They'll probably know where Trapper is.
- I'm gonna try to find Captain Hunnicutt.
- Yeah, you do that, Radar.
I can't understand it, sir. The pickles were
flown here top priority with the pimientos.
- Yes, sir. The general did get
the pimientos, didn't he?
- Sergeant.
Yes, sir.
Are you sure, Colonel?
I specifically ordered red pimientos.
I know how the general hates the green ones.
I will definitely follow through
on the pickles and pimientos.
Who's in charge
of this delicatessen?
Ah, golf balls are no problem, sir.
How many gross, sir?
Where are your flight
manifests? Stateside.
Yes, sir. Uh, one gross
will be no problem at all.
Yes, sir. No, sir.
One gross, sir. Yes, sir.
- He left ten minutes ago.
- I remember the Swiss clock, sir.
- With a cuckoo. Yes, sir.
Yes, I have it all down, sir.
- Thanks.
Pickles, pimientos,
balls and cuckoos.
Captain Pierce? Captain Pierce, sir,
Captain Hunnicutt.
- I missed Trapper by ten minutes.
Ten lousy minutes!
- Ohhh.
- Captain Pierce.
- Hi.
- Can you believe that?
- You couldn't have "droven" any faster.
I let that geisha take
one too many laps on my back.
- Anything I can help with?
- Huh?
- Can I help?
- No, no, no. Forget it.
- Let's go home.
- Let's go home, all right?
Let's get outta here.
- Where's the jeep, Radar?
- It's right here!
There is no jeep here. There's only
a whole lot of here here.
I knew it! I knew it!
I knew it!
- All right, no sweat.
- Gee, it's been stolen.
Listen, I'm responsible.
I signed that jeep out!
I'll have to pay for it,
and I'm poor!
[Honking]
Hey! Holy cow!
- Things always this calm around here?
- It's the only war in town.
I gotta get it back.
Call an M.P. Hey, hey!
Radar. Radar! Radar.
If you can keep your head
while all about you are losing theirs...
then you probably haven't checked
with your answering service.
Rudyard Kipling.
Good. Give that man
a lady in the balcony.
- Hey, listen, that jeep
is government property.
- So are you.
I never thought of it that way.
Pierce, I'm just
a little confused.
- Hawkeye. And don't let a little
confusion throw you, Captain.
- B. J.
One of the first things you learn here is that
insanity is no worse than the common cold.
How are we gonna get back?
We don't got any wheels.
Here is the eminent Captain Hunnicutt,
fresh from the U.S. Of A...
and you and I
are talking about cars.
- Let us welcome yon weary
traveler with food and drink.
- Kipling?
- Auto Club.
- Right.
- Hey! Wait a minute.
I can't go in there.
- Pish tosh.
I'm just a corporal.
You think that kept Hitler
out of the officers' club?
I really wouldn't want
to get him into any trouble.
No problem. Just let me have
some of your costume jewelry.
I've only had five weeks of indoctrination.
Is this what they call a field promotion?
For being brave and nearsighted
above and beyond the call.
Losing a jeep, impersonating
an officer, all in two hours.
If I get in trouble,
my mother will kill me!
What are mothers for?
Hey, wait a minute.
What about my stripes?
Radar, you've heard of lieutenant generals,
sergeant majors?
You are now
a corporal captain.
Maybe I'd better wait in the car.
Radar, there is no car to wait in.
That's what we came in here to forget.
I forgot.
- What'll you have, Captain?
- Bourbon and water.
And you, Captain?
- Captain?
- Not so loud.
I'll have the usual,
a Grape Nehi.
Two bourbon and water,
and a Grape Nehi for Captain O'Reilly.
[Jet Engines Roaring]
They always fly so low?
They're not low.
The ground here is very high.
- He's not usually like this.
He's just like that.
- You're gonna love it over here.
Camping out, betting on rat races,
hot and cold running dysentery.
To think what
I've been missing.
- You married?
- Mm-hmm.
You bring your wife with you?
- I thought I'd come ahead and check it out.
- Hmm.
- You married?
- Someone's gonna have
to get me pregnant first.
There's two on the aisle.
Thank you.
Does the, uh, captain
want a straw?
We don't use straws
in combat, fella.
B. J., welcome to Korea.
Land of the Morning Calm.
For 5,000 years,
50 centuries...
fought over, mauled and occupied
by Mongols, Manchus, Chinese...
Russians, Japanese, Americans,
16 U.N. Countries...
and appearing this week only,
Professor Jerry Colonna.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Yeah.
Ohhh! There's
real grape flavor in this.
Tough it out, cowboy.
Why don't you let me
stand outside, Hawkeye?
Hawkeye.
Why Hawkeye?
That's from
The Last of the Mohicans.
My father was crazy about that book.
He was crazy about Indians.
My grandfather used to sell them
whiskey and hors d'oeuvres.
[Jet Engine Roaring]
Feel like you just stepped
into a time machine?
Two months ago,
I'm in residency in Sausalito.
Little house in Mill Valley,
Peggy's eight months pregnant.
And they draft me.
Five weeks' training
at Fort Sam Houston.
Bunch of doctors stumbling around
in the dark, totally lost.
Some idiot shooting live ammo
over your heads.
- American plan.
- Hawkeye?
- Huh?
- That colonel.
What colonel, Radar? There's enough
brass in here to make a spittoon.
Over there at 8:00.
He keeps staring at me.
He's probably crazy about you.
Go ahead, B. J.
Then one night, Peggy and I
are at the Top of the Mark.
Her first night out
since having the baby.
- We go home. Our baby-sitter,
Norma Jean, says there's a message.
- Wait a minute.
- Norma Jean?
- Mm-hmm.
- Eighteen? Oooh!
- Sixteen.
The message? "In two days,
report to Travis to ship out."
Next thing I know,
here I am.
- Hawk? He's coming over here.
- Huh?
- Play hard to get.
- Don't horse around.
- Boys.
- Sir.
- Colonel.
You all know this is
an officers' club, don't you?
I'm a captain,
plainclothes division.
Uh-huh. Corporal's stripes
and captain's bars?
That's a new directive
from the pentagon, Colonel.
That's out of G-2 and G-3...
making a G-5 combined
officers op-tech glitch.
We're experimenting with a new rank:
Corporal captain.
We're here making a survey.
Want to see if everybody likes it.
Uh, asking everybody in Seoul.
- Coleman Hawkins, right?
- Right.
I don't like it.
I don't like it at all.
- Put down one "no." One against.
- Right.
One negative corporal captain.
Thank you, Colonel. We really
appreciate your help in this.
No sir.
I don't like it at all.
He doesn't like it at all.
Play it again, Sam.
Another Nehi. Gee, if I get gas,
nobody's ever gonna believe I'm an officer.
Radar, President Truman gets gas.
They just don't print it in the papers.
What's the 4077 like?
Meatball surgery.
Nothing pretty.
But once we get a casualty to our front door,
his chance of survival is 97.8%% .
- That says a lot for the staff.
- It's a good bunch.
You missed two of the greatest
guys in the world though.
Henry Blake was our C.O.
Henry was okay, from the navel
out in every direction.
He sure was.
Henry never made it home.
And I just missed Trapper John, the guy you're
replacing, by ten minutes. Ten minutes!
- We tried to call you.
- You sure he didn't leave
a message or anything?
No. Just what I gave you.
And please don't ask for another one.
Listen. Major Burns is waiting for us.
That's our C.O. Now.
Bottom of the barrel.
Major Burns.
Major Frank Burns.
Everybody calls him Ferret Face.
That'll give you an idea
how devoted we are to him.
- Is he a good surgeon?
- With the same light touch
as a German jazz band.
Number one nurses though.
And a good young chaplain.
You'll be bunking with me.
- Not too much snoring, I hope.
- Only when I'm awake.
All you really have to worry about is getting
me in my coffin before the sun comes up.
Fair enough.
Well, I guess we'd better start
thinking about how we're gonna
get back to camp, huh?
- We'll have the bill, my good man.
- $1.20.
Ahhh. Pay him,
Corporal Captain.
- I only got about 70 cents.
- A big promotion like that,
they didn't give you a raise?
This one's on me.
You play poker, Doctor?
- I'm not very good.
- Neither am I.
General.
[Gasps]
Look, Radar, our jeep!
- It's a general's jeep!
- No, no, no.
What they've done, in order
to get into the officers' club...
they put a general's flag on our jeep.
- It's not!
- I can prove it. Test me.
- It's olive drab, right? Made in Detroit?
- They all say that.
Mud underneath? Four seats
that can reduce your behind to tears?
- Yeah, but...
- They didn't fool me for a minute.
- Throw your stuff in the back, B. J.
- Listen, you've been drinking. I drive.
All right. Deal.
Next stop, Bed Bug City!
Take this thing.
Okay, Radar, follow
the yellow brick road.
I'd like that worked into
next Sunday's sermon, Father,
if you can possibly manage it.
"Strength through obedience."
The discipline of this unit,
the lack of respect, is disgraceful!
I've had notes stuffed in my suggestion box
that would curl your dickey, Father.
These lads are under
terrific stress, Major.
They are? What about
the stress of command?
I'm running the hospital, the staff,
the supplies, looking right.
I have one Korean,
a college graduate...
who does nothing but keep my boots
shined at all times.
It costs me three cigarettes
a day, but it's worth it.
- I'll look forward to next Sunday, Father.
- I look forward to all of them.
I don't get you.
- Major Burns. Father.
- Major.
Did you give permission
that I didn't know about...
- for Captain Pierce to leave this camp?
- I certainly did not!
- Well, he's not anywhere to be found.
- Nowhere?
- That's right!
- Have you looked everywhere?
Obviously I've looked everywhere if
I know that he's not anywhere or nowhere!
- I'm sure it can all be explained.
- Keep your nose out of this!
- Frank!
- Oh. Sorry, Father. Sorry, Mother.
Margaret.
Hey! I lost my hat!
I lost my hat!
Your cookies will be next.
- Holy Toledo! It's the same M.P.!
- I told them to wait.
- Why'd you do that?
Oh, you didn't do that!
- I'm just joking.
- Well, this ain't funny.
- That's the trick, Radar.
You sure put in a long day,
Lieutenant.
A lot of infiltrators
on the road.
Yeah. They sure give the war
a bad name.
There was no room for him at the 121 st,
so we're taking him back to the 4077.
He can drive now?
It's good therapy.
This is Dr. Hunnicutt.
- Hunnicutt?
- [B.J.] Yo.
Specialist. We flew him in
for his operation.
Soon as we get back,
he's gonna... get on his nerves.
And he can drive now?
We put a temporary filling
in his ear.
- Different.
- Different?
Different jeep.
The jeep is different!
Oh! Yes! Yeah.
Sharp eye, Lieutenant. Good.
Yes, this different jeep
is definitely a different jeep.
We picked it up in Seoul. It was stolen
from our C.O. [Chuckles]
What's his name?
Major Burns.
Major Frank Burns.
- Medicine's answer to longevity.
- Frank Burns.
Or Ferret Face.
He answers to both.
- This is weird.
- [Radar Muttering]
[Muttering]
[Shouting]
Move out!
Stop up ahead, Radar.
Stop!
- Will you stop that! Stop!
- What's going on?
They're making sure the field
is okay for farming.
The daughters are checking for land mines.
If the girls survive, it's safe for the ox.
[Speaking Korean]
[B.J.] There are live mines
in that field?
I say we don't find out.
Hey.! Stop it.!
- Chung-ji.
- Chung-ji.!
Chung-ji.!
- Who's the father? Are you the father?
- [Korean]
- He told 'em to go ahead
and not pay no attention to ya.
- Is he crazy?
Listen to me! How can you do this?
You know what you're doing?
U-san! That's what you are.
You understand?
That's in your own language.
U- san. That's what you are!
- What?
- You just called him an umbrella.
- What? L... What's the word...
- [Explosion]
Radar! How are you
gonna get out? Radar!
- What are you doing?
Are you crazy? Come back here.!
- [B.J.] O'Reilly.!
- Be careful!
- How are you gonna get out again?
- [Hawkeye] Radar.!
- Come on, follow me. Hold on to me.
- Put your feet in the same spot.
- Watch it! Come back the way you went in.
[Hawkeye] Straight.
Just come straight toward us.
[B.J.]
Easy, easy.
Be careful!
- [Hawkeye] Come straight, Radar.!
- That's it, easy, easy.
Oh! Easy.
- Fragments in her leg. Shock.
- I guess the army's got a few more of these.
- Get her in the jeep, will ya?
- Holy cow!
- Hey, hey! Wait a minute!
- Wait a minute. Hold it.
We can't take... No, no.
The ox does not ride for free.
- Radar, tell 'em. No ox, no ox.
- Right. No ox! No ox!
You stay here.
- [Korean]
- What? What?
- He says there's a hospital up the road.
- Okay. Stay, stay.
[Speaking Korean]
Hang on.
- You've got a lot of nerve, fella!
- That was very brave, Radar.
What?
[Hawkeye]
Running into a mine field.
[Radar]
Did I run into a mine field?
Boy, that was brave.
There's a new officer coming in,
and I want this place spotless, Corporal.
First impressions
are lasting impressions.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness.
My mother says that.
Why bring her into it?
I never even met your mother.
- What are those earrings doing in your ears?
- Just hanging there, sir.
- Take them off!
- Yes, sir!
You, uh, got anything
crazy on under your clothes?
Nothing crazier than you got
under yours, sir.
Get rid of these
filthy nudist magazines!
[Whistles] Hey, I thought
they were strictly volleyball.
- They play croquet and everything.
- Look at these socks!
Boots covered with blood.
Animals!
Here's some people clipping hedges.
That could be dangerous.
Get on with it.
Throw those away.
"Girl phoning." Wonder what
a naked girl sounds like on the phone.
- Klinger.!
- Yes, sir!
[Frank's Voice]
Beats me how some people treat this war
as if it were some kind of picnic...
when it's really a privilege
to be asked to serve in the army.
'Course it's notjust our army.
We're here with the U. N...
which I personally have nothing against,
except that it's full of foreigners.
Of course, it's what did in
your League of Nations.
Are all the local hospitals
that awful, that primitive?
They're about 100 years ahead
at being behind.
- Boy, the smell!
- Radar, watch the road.
I'll do the smelling.
- [Banging Sound]
- Oh! Oh, boy.
Oh, gee! I've never changed
a tire in my life!
I'll get it. Give me a lug wrench.
I'll take off the spare.
I thought you used
your mother's car.
I did, but she
always changed the tires.
Wait a minute. You're a surgeon.
You'll wreck your hands.
So I'll become a bugler.
I come from
three generations of doctors.
I swear to you,
I have never seen hospital
conditions like that.
What they lack in sanitation,
they make up for in poverty.
- [Radar] Here come some locals.
- [Hawkeye] It's a semi-free country.
- Oh, gee!
- What?
I left my bubble gum
in the other jeep.
Whose picture
was on the card?
- Rosalind Russell.
- We just won't tell her.
Oh, boy! That general
sure has tight lugs.
[Grunting] We're gonna get him in
for surgery one of these days.
Hi. What do you say?
Just taking our afternoon flat.
Nice to see you.
I just got in.
Wheel's coming off the ground.
- Good job, Radar.
- Thank you, sir.
Uh-oh, Andy.
Holy smoke.
What is it?
The Koreans all went into the woods.
They may be guerrillas, maybe.
Either that or they're
having a gang toidy.
We'd better get outta here. Let's be calm,
guys, with undertones of frantic.
Bring the spare, B. J.
Out of the way, Radar.
Move!
- They shoot at doctors?
- Doctors, lawyers, Indian chiefs.
Anybody. Any movement.
- [Rifle Shots]
- And I'm about to have one.
- I think I hate this.
- You sure we need all four tires?
- [Rifle Shots]
- Get the thing to take the car down.
Jack it down.
- [Rifle Shots]
- Radar, stop that. I, l...
Get away from me, will ya?
Is it down? Got it?
All right. Now just get these out.
Let's get outta here!
- [Rifle Shots]
- [Arguing]
- Wait a minute.
- Radar!
This is a general's jack!
- Salute it and get in!
- [Rifle Shots]
[Hawkeye]
Down! Keep down!
- Everybody all right?
- I've been better.
My legs are shaking.
- Do what you always do.
- Oh, yeah.
- Sedative?
- Chiclet.
You okay, B. J.?
Scared is closer. There's a bullet hole
in the seat right next to me.
Boy, that general
is gonna have a fit.
Why should he?
We fixed his flat, didn't we?
[Vehicle Approaching]
Anybody here from Maine?
- [Soldier] I'm from Vermont.
- Close, but no cigar.
- [B. J.] How 'bout California?
- Watts.
- [Radar] How 'bout Iowa?
- Yo!
- Ottumwa, Iowa?
- Ottumwa did its bit, Radar.
They sent you.
[Soldier]
Take cover! Hit the ground!
[Shouting]
- Now what?
- Mortars.
They can make you a tenor
in the boys' choir in two seconds.
[Soldier] Where's that stuff coming from?
Anyone see it?
Gimme that radio.
- Able Six, this is Two Six. Over.
- [Radio] Two Six, this is Six.
He's 12 years old!
He'll never make 13.
- Medic.!
- Come on!
[Radio] Roger, I see what you've got.
Hold tight. I'm working on a mission now.
Medic! Medic!
- We're doctors. Let me have
your medical bag.
- Yes, sir.
Straighten that up for me,
will you? Radar!
Am I gonna die?
Hell no! You're staying here
with the rest of us. Chiclets!
- Here, sir.
- Bite on that. We're not
allowed to carry bullets.
A little sulfa here.
- Radar?
- Yeah?
Have somebody
call in our choppers.
- The 80-double nickel's closer.
- Do that then.
You're gonna pull through, Slippery.
- Captain Hunnicutt!
- [Groaning]
- The guy over by the jeep!
- Right!
[Officer Shouting] Stay down.! Watch
the flank over there.! Watch the left.!
- It's okay, pal, I'm a doctor.
- It's my leg, Doc.
- Is everything else down there?
- Yeah. Just mortar fragments.
I don't feel anything, Doc.
I just feel numb.
We'll have you to MASH
in a few minutes.
- Nurses and everything?
- Don't know. I'm new in town.
[Radio] Roger. There'll be stuff splashing
on that hill to your front right now.
[Coughing]
I think the shelling's stopped.
[Coughing]
Probably just
a temper tantrum. B. J.?
Probably just
a temper tantrum. B. J.?
Rest easy, pal.
[Hawkeye]
Good shot.
Let me have that bag.
He's had it.
- Well, let's try!
- [Coughing]
Oh, gee.
[Coughing]
Radar, tie this tightly
around his...
Sir.! Our lieutenant took one
right in the wallet.
Don't forget. This is
your first day at school.
The worst part is,
you'll get used to all of this.
All right, saddle up, you people.
Let's go. On your feet.
[Hawkeye]
Radar, we need the bag!
Okay, you're gonna be okay.
[Helicopter Approaching]
Move it. Move it out.
Let's go, let's go.
Very well, Sergeant.
O'Reilly met Hunnicutt at Kimpo.
He picked him up.
You can just bet Pierce
had something to do with this.
Nobody's seen him for six hours,
that big snot!
Margaret, I'm going to train Hunnicutt
in my image. Soldierly, efficient.
Yes. Give me a man when he's 28,
and he's mine for life.
- Frank.
- Yes, dear?
For a moment there,
you looked like you had a chin.
[Honking]
- Are we there?
- Camp's just across the road.
This is a rest stop.
You look like you
could use a belt.
Sir, we really should
deliver the captain.
We gotta get him started
on his ulcer first. Forward... drink!
- Hello, Kim.
- Hi, Hawkeye, Radar.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Sake with beer?
- Make it two.
Uh, Nehi Grape.
Kinda quaint.
- Toilet.
- Didn't wanna say that.
In two months, this'll look
like the Top of the Mark.
[Man] Don't give me
none of your lip...
[Hawkeye] Any diversion is welcome,
except the diversions become routine.
Crazy thing is, hell though it is, I think
I feel closer to the people in this hospital...
than I've ever been to anybody else
in my life... or ever expect to.
- Keep 'em coming, Kim.
- On Hawkeye's tab?
- Right. I'm entertaining a client.
- My teeth will turn purple.
Women love that.
I really can't wait
to see the place.
- You can wait.
- [Fighting Continues]
You've heard of a military post?
This is a compost.
Everything we've got is surplus.
The lice are surplus.
Only the wounded are new.
Supplies are a joke.
The tedium is relieved
only by the boredom.
I can't think of a single reason why
we're here, except we're needed.
So, pitch in, muddle through,
pip pip and the whole schmear.
Ours not to reason why,
ours not to let 'em die.
Drink up. You're behind.
In other words, do your job
as best you can, and shove...
You got it.
Please!
I'm with friends.
- They're all out of maraschino cherries.
- Kim, some more sake.
[Laughing]
[Laughing Continues]
Sir, Sir, I'll drive.
I'll drive, sir.
- I'm driving.
- Sir, you can't.
- Why not? Says who?
- You're not sober, sir.
Boy, I would really resent that
if I wasn't drunk.
- You sure you don't want me to drive?
- [Honks]
[Honking]
[Honking Continues]
He's here!
[Laughing]
Major Burns, Major Houlihan...
may I present
Captain B. J. Hunnicutt.
[Laughing]
What say you, Ferret Face?
[Vehicle Approaching]
This is it.
Hey, what's going on?
I'm in charge here. Major Burns.
Sir, this jeep is the property
of Major General Cornell Dickering.
- I don't know what you're talking about!
- You'll have to come with me.
What?
I'd vouch for this man's character,
Lieutenant, but he doesn't have any.
Snot! Snot! Snot!
Have I ever lied to you?
[Man Over P.A. System]
Attention. Attention, please.
The following personnel are permanently
assigned to the MASH 4077.
Alan Alda as Hawkeye.
Mike Farrell as B.J. Hunnicutt.
Loretta Swit
as Hot Lips Houlihan.
Larry Linville as Frank Burns.
Gary Burghoff as Radar O'Reilly.
William Christopher
as Father Mulcahy.
Jamie Farr as Corporal Klinger.
And reporting for duty
as new commanding officer...
at 1600 hours,
19 September, 1952...
Harry Morgan as Colonel Sherman Potter,
regular army.
God help us all.
[Honking]
[Honking]
Stick that horn in your ear.
On your feet, soldier.
I'm Colonel Potter.
Oh, boy.