M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 3, Episode 6 - Springtime - full transcript

[Murmuring]

- [Trapper] Frank, not bad.
- [Hawkeye] We need some suction here.

- [Margaret] Suction.
- Clean that out. I can't see it well.

And a small favor,
Margaret?

Could you run your body
over my neck, please?

- Hemostat, Doctor.
- And some disability pay from the army.

Or a pair of corrective shoulders
for terminal stoop.

Oh, cut the cackle, huh?
It's getting on my nerves.

As soon as I'm finished, Frank,
I'll remove them for you.

One would think you would have
a little consideration.

I've been up for
32 hours, you know.



- I've sent for some coffee, sir.
- Oh, you're a doll person.

After the war, I'm having
a bust made of your head.

Or possibly
the other way around.

Chest wound, Doctor.
Marine. Just came in.

Take over here,
will you, Phil?

- Is this guy continued on the next table?
- Check the I.V.

Carotid artery.
Gimme some pressure here.

Vascular clamps.

All right,
let's prep him.

Look at the size
of that chest.

- You oughta see his mother.
- Am I gonna make it, Doc?

I don't know how to tell you this,
but you're gonna live.

Even though you might
break our blood bank.

You can level with me, Doc.
I know it's curtain time.



Only until we meet again.
All right, now take a deep breath...

and we'll get you stationery
so you won't have to write home
on your chest anymore.

Good night.

Hey. Hey. Do you believe...

someone has actually ordered us
a genuine spring day.

What a dirty, rotten trick
to put it in the middle of a war.

I'm gonna put that sky
on hold.

That's just a mural painted by the North
Koreans to catch us off our guard.

Listen. You and me, we're gonna
grab a couple of nurses...

some of that torpedo juice
and... ptt... head for the hills.

Sorry. I'm heading
for the nearest cot, alone.

Right after I get
some new feet from supply.

Are you serious? After six months
of freezing your noony...

you're actually gonna
let a day like this go to waste?

- [Chuckles]
- Here's the coffee you sirs wanted, sirs.

You're a little late, Radar.
We ordered it last winter.

Give him time.
He takes baby steps.

Save mine. And take my beautiful day.
I'm having it later.

[Airplane Passes Overhead]

Uh, excuse me. Isn't this, uh,
Lieutenant Simmons's tent?

- That's me.
- Oh.

I didn't recognize you
without your parka and hood.

I've never seen you
in your underneath before.

I mean, it must be
the cotton balls.

Oh, well, I've usually
got these on.

- Oh, yeah.
- Can't see a thing without 'em.

Oh, really?
Oh, me too, neither.

Radar.

Tanning
your tonsils, Radar?

- Sir?
- I'm going out and hit a couple of balls.

I just wanted to tell you
that your anniversary issue
of Archie Comics arrived.

And I evened your cot legs so you won't
have to sleep on a slant anymore.

Oh, thank you, sir.

- Well, I guess that'll be all.
- Thank you.

Flare your nostrils
for me, Frank.

I get so excited
when you flare them.

Oh, Margaret, I get so excited
when you say "excited."

- [Chuckles]
- Funny thing... war.

Never have so many suffered so much
so so few could be so happy.

Oh, Frank, we're so lucky
to be two of the few and not the many.

I know, darling,
and I love being both of us.

Margaret...

let me press my ears
against your lips.

Frank,
we're not alone.

Huh?

"Breathless, we flung us
on the windy hill."

- Hey, Klinger!
- Shh!

"Laughed in the sun,
kissed in the lovely grass.

You said, 'Through glory
and ecstasy we pass."'

- Poetry, right?
- Mm-hmm.

That's great the way they can rhyme
and be hot at the same time.

Rupert Brooke. I won him
in a poker game. Is that for me?

Oh, yeah.
Came special delivery.

I thought it might be important.
I think it's from, uh...

Radar, do you know
what this says?

I couldn't help it, honest. I held it
up to the sun to shade my eyes...

and some of the words
showed through.

[Laughing]

[Continues Laughing]

"They have known shame,
who loved unloved.

"Even then when two mouths
thirsty for each other...

find slaking."

"Slaking"? Wow!

I've appealed to him
several times, Doctor.

He's not hurting the cat.
He just won't release it.

- Sorry I had to wake you.
- That's all right, Father.

The nurse I was dreaming
was a rerun anyway.

Well, the cat's
someone to love obviously.

He's over there.

- Where'd he get it?
- Must havejust wandered into camp.

He refuses
to let go, Doctor.

My mother had the same problem
with me at the induction center.

Anything you want
to talk about, soldier?

I think the cat's
got his tongue.

Hey, nobody wants
to take him away from you.

You can hold him
as long as you want.

You better bring in a psychiatrist.
This is out of my league.

- What's his name?
- Fluffy.

- I mean the patient, Father.
- We don't know, Doctor.

They brought him in
without dog tags.

Don't get too attached to this place.
It really stinks.

Even though a lot of people
are sucked in by the lobby.

- Is that you, Doc?
- I certainly hope so.

Well, Doc, you saved my life.
No one's ever done that before.

My guess is
nobody's ever had to.

- Lyle Wesson.
- Hawkeye Pierce.

And I'm gonna need that
back by tonight.

Hawkeye Pierce.
You're some kind of genius doctor.

And I'm gonna pay you back, Doc.
Anything. You just name it.

If I draw you a picture, can you have
her under my pillow by morning?

I'm not kidding, Doc.
I'm gonna pay you back. You'll see.

Okay, fine. Okay, you just lie back
and hope the bed can take it.

[Bed Creaks]

[Klinger]
Colonel Blake.!

Colonel!

Colonel.
Special delivery.

[Panting]
My girl Laverne, she said yes.

She agreed to marry me!

Klinger, has she
ever seen you?

We've been dating since high school.
Of course she's seen me.

I mean, recently.

Sir, you gotta let me go, sir.
I just have to get married.

- You're not pregnant, are you?
- Don't be ridiculous, sir.

Me? You're the one who looks like
he just blew out of Gone With the Wind.

Sir, I only want a small,
quick little wedding in Toledo.

Then a teeny, tiny, one-two-three
honeymoon, then I'll be right back.

Everyone who believes that,
stand on their head.

You saying I'm lying, sir?

I'm saying you're so desperate
to get out of Korea,
you'd have yourself buried...

with a soda straw through
the coffin so you could breathe.

Forget it.

Hey, Lulu, they got
the volleyball schedule up.

Oh, great.
Who am I with?

- Terrific. We got Murphy on our team.
- Right.

Isn't that great?
And Rogers.

Oh, Ghiardelli.
That's okay, hmm?

##[Loudspeaker: Big Band]

Oh, Lieutenant Baker,
I'm glad I bumped into you.

I was noticing on your file
that you never answered
Question 7 on your health card...

and we need to know.

So, uh, have you
ever had cholera...

diphtheria, bubonic plague,
jungle rot, or not?

- Not.
- Not. Okey-dokey.

Well, I'll get that
off to Washington right away.

- That's my marine, right?
- How'd you guess?

We just had a total eclipse
of the sun.

Hey, Doc, how you doing today?
Everybody treating you okay?

Oh, the laundry put too much
starch in my cummerbund.

But outside of that.

I'll tell you something.
You're a good ol' guy, you know that?

Oh, allow me.

- After you.
- Before me.

- Full house.
- That's what happens when
Michelin gives you four stars.

Excuse me.

- Boys about done?
- Nope.

You know my mom always told me
to leave the table a little hungry.

That way you don't feel
so stuffed, right?

Yeah, right.

Two just
opened up here, Doc.

Uh, we gotta get
our food, Lyle.

Don't say that.
He'll skewer the cook.

Fellas, you just sit on down and
relax and I'll handle everything.

- Two with everything.
- I'm busy, fella.

No, no, no, no. I said
two with everything now.

Everything is just
what you're gonna get.

How do you feel
about long engagements?

"Dear Dad, I'm bringing
home a marine.

He'll be the son
you never had."

- I think you'll enjoy this.
- I won't let you down.

Uh, I was wondering if I could
ask you two sirs about some advice.

Well, what are parents for?
Come on in. Make yourself homely.

- Sit down.
- Oh. Thanks.

- Little irrigation?
- Come again?

- Drink, Radar.
- Oh, no, no.

What's your problem? And keep in mind,
we can't work miracles with height.

Uh, well...

it's about this,
um, woman.

A woman
of the opposite sex, Radar?

Yeah, uh,
Lieutenant Simmons.

You know her? Nurse.

Simmons?
Uh, short, freckles, fat glasses?

I can't understand how you lost
your job at the State Department.

Yeah, that's her usually, but you
should see her without her parka.

- Can you arrange that?
- I mean I didn't.

But, uh, she was wearing
this little, uh... uh...

A pair of hands?
She was wearing two hands?

Uh, no, it was a...

[Sighs]
What's the diff?

For all she knows
I'm dead.

What don't you prove
to her you're alive?

Breathe in her face.

I can't because I'm
ignoring her all the time.

- [Hawkeye] Why?
- Because she's ignoring me.

Ah, but you
ignored her first.

Yeah, that's because I'm trying
to beat her to the ignore.

Radar, you're gonna cool yourself
right out of business.

Why don't you let her know how
you feel? Take her to the pictures.

- Wow. That's a great idea.
- Thanks. We invented it.

Yeah, we get a two cents royalty every
time a guy asks a girl to a movie.

Thanks.
I'll ask her to the, uh...

l... I'll ask her
to the movies.

All righty, BS2XYZ,
I gotcha.

That's 6:00 p.m. There,
4:00 a.m. Here.

Righty-o. Roger Wilco.
Over and out. Ten-four and goom-bye.

Okay, Klinger,
you're all set.

Colonel,
I could kiss you.!

You do, and I'll chin myself
on your nose.

You sure this radio thing's
gonna work, sir?

Klinger, BS2 is a ham operator
in Des Moines, Iowa, right?

Now he's gonna pick us up
on his shortwave...

and call Laverne, your Laverne,
at the chapel, collect...

in Toledo, so he can patch
her phone into his radio...

which we can hear on our radio, in
which Laverne can hear on her phone...

and her parents can hear
on their extension.

- Simple?
- It would have been simpler
to let me go home for this.

If I let you go home, Klinger,
the next time I'd see you...

you'd be a Rockette
at Radio City Music Hall.

Go get shaved
and get into your gown.

Yes, sir!

[Airplane Passing Overhead]

Oh, excuse me, Lieutenant.
Uh, I'm measuring the camp.

Uh, you see, last year
we had 2,986 square feet...

and this year
we have 2,863.

And I have to figure out
where we shrunk.

Uh, while we're on
the subject, uh...

did you know that tonight's movie
is First Born of Godzilla?

- The what?
- The First Born of Godzilla.

I saw the original before Godzilla
ever got married.

Oh, well, I don't go in
for movies much.

I'd rather just stay in and listen
to some music or read some poetry.

Oh, uh,
do you read poetry?

- Why? Do you?
- Oh, yeah.

I'm always browsing up
on a new poem.

- Who's your favorite?
- Uh, well, right now...

I'm interested in a new guy,
uh, Ruptured Brook.

Boy, you guys bucking for a Section
Eight really get my quills up.

You keep doing that just because
you think we'll think it's strange.

Well, I'm here to tell you, you're
not one bit stranger than I am.

Now, I'm going to count to five,
and I want you to hand over
that unauthorized cat.

One, two...

three, four.

Showing off for the patients
again, Frank?

Patient?
Hmph. He's not sick.

Just another one of those crybabies
who's afraid to go back to the front.

Frank, can I borrow
your doctor's diploma?

They're a little short
in the latrine.

Har-dee-har.

Look, we know you love the cat.
Nobody wants to hurt it.

You can come visit it
anytime you want.

We'll take good care of it.
I promise.

Okay?
Wanna give him to me?

Come on.
You can trust me.

Lovely. Thank you.

[Hawkeye] Okay, everybody, just keep
calm and nobody will get hurt.

Especially me.

Now, let's be careful.
Don't break the doctor, okay?

The cat and I have just talked it over,
and he'd like to come back.

[Lyle]
Hey, what the heck is going on here?

Oh, just another fan
gone wild.

Well, don't worry, Doc. I'll get you out
of here quicker than you can shake a stick.

No, Lyle, Lyle, don't hurt him.
Be gentle. My life is in his armpit.

Easy, buddy.
Take it easy.

Mr. Kwang, could we have
some sedation here, please?

You all right, Doc?

Thanks, Lyle. I guess that about makes
us even in the lifesaving department.

- In fact, I owe you change.
- Oh, that was nothing.

I haven't even begun
to pay you back yet.

What are you gonna do for
an encore, make me immortal?

Well, I like you, Doc. I like doing
things for you. You're the greatest.

Lyle, underneath
these exceptional good looks...

- lurks a really rotten person, really.
- Oh, come on.

I'm the kind of guy who gets a kick out
of tying knots in varicose veins.

I once did a postmortem an hour
before the patient was ready.

- [Simmons] Who is it?
- Uh, Corporal O'Reilly.

I can go away
if I'm bothering you.

Come in.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Well, uh, we just got
a new shipment in...

and I was in the neighborhood,
so I thought I'd stop by.

- Here's some candy.
- Oh, thank you.

I love chocolate...

even though it makes
my face break out.

Mine too.
I mean, uh...

it did before
I turned into a man.

Well, what's that?
Poetry?

Uh, uh-huh.

Well, sit down.
Read me a poem.

[Clears Throat] Well, I don't know
if I should in mixed company.

I mean, they got stuff
in here about, um...

you know, slaking
and stuff like that.

Well, I'd love
to hear some.

Okay.

I warned you.

Uh, let's see.

Oh, here's one.
[Clears Throat]

"The damned ship..."
Oh, excuse me.

"...lurched and slithered.

"Quiet and quick.
My cold gorge rose;

"The long sea rolled, : I knew
I must think hard of something...

"or be sick.

"Do I forget you?

"Retchings twist
and tie me.

Old meat, good meals,
brown gobbets, up I throw."

You don't give a girl
a chance, do you?

- What?
- Oh, don't play coy with me, you heartbreaker.

Always standing off,
playing hard to get...

while all the time you were
looking right through me.

I didn't see anything.
Honest.

There ought to be a law
against guys like you.

Uh, Lieutenant?

You're bending the book.

Can you still hear me,
Miss Esposito?

Sure can, Father.
Loud and clear.

Oh, where were we?

- She just said the part
about being sick and poor.
- Oh, yes.

Then, do you,
Laverne Esposito...

take this, uh, man...

Corporal Max Klinger, to be
your lawful wedded husband?

[Static]
I d...

- What happened?
- Oh, fishhooks. Interference.

Well, find it. Find it, damn it!
Oh, sorry, Father.

It's a wedding, son.
I understand your anger.

- Well?
- Just keep your garters on, Klinger.

And then you add a pound of shelled
pecans and a bottle of lemon extract.

Um, KN5YVJ calling
BS2XYZ in Des Moines. Come in. Over.

- [Static]
- ##[Humming "Here Comes the Bride"]

- With our compliments.
- Hey, thanks.

That's really nice of you sirs
to get dressed up.

It's from the States.
My grandfather was buried in this.

Oh. I'm really touched.

I always thought so.

Look, lady, I'm a doctor trying to marry
a soldier in the middle of a war.

That's sick!

- [Henry] Hello?
- A little more veil, please.

I can still
see your face.

You want my recipe
for never-fail corn bread?

Lady, you are
a piece of corn bread.

Scott! Zelda!
Just in time.

- Out of our way.
- May I see your invitations, please?

- Friends of the bride or the bride.
- You're out of uniform!

I am not.
I'm with Fred Waring.

Disgusting!
You have your nerve, wearing white.

Jealous?

Doc, I've been looking
all over... for you.

Boy, you guys sure throw
some weird parties, huh?

It's our prom night. These kids
have been saving up all year for this.

Well, look it, Doc.
I'm shoving off tomorrow...

and I thought maybe
I could have your home address.

Maybe we could be pen pals
after the war.

Lyle, it... it would
just be boring for you.

I write everything
in prescriptions.

Come in, Laverne,
wherever you are.

I demand this wedding
be stopped immediately.

- Oh, shut up, Major.
- Did you hear that?

I certainly did. Are you gonna
let him talk to you that way?

You're angry
when you're beautiful.

Listen, big nose!

What'd you call him?

Button up, Frank,
and zip up too.

Well, who are you ordering about,
Mr. Sassing-A-Major-Pants?

I thought the doc
told you to be quiet.

That's all right, Lyle.
He never obeys my commands.

What a report
this is going to make.

That pervert marrying no one,
a cat living in the hospital...

and this idiot insubordinating
his big mouth whenever he pleases.

Uh, Frank, uh,
I wouldn't, uh...

- Oh, shut up!
- That's it!

- Uh-oh.
- Frank!

Let me go,
you big moron!

Put him down!
You can't twirl an officer!

- [Screams]
- Oh, this is outrageous!

I think he's had enough, Lyle. We don't
want his brain to rush to his head.

[Lyle]
Apologize. No report.

I do! I do! No report!
Please! Honest!

Lyle, you really got to stop
doing things like that.

- It puts people off.
- Yeah, you're right, Doc.

I'm always doing the wrong thing.
I'm sorry.

Well, that's okay. You're a big person.
You deserve bigger mistakes.

No. Lyle bad person.
Does bad things.

No, you're not.
Lyle good. Hawkeye bad.

Hey, hey,
I think I've got her.

Is that you, pumpkin?

- Yes, I'm here, baby.
- No, this...

Miss Esposito, ready?
Would you repeat, "I do."

- I do.
- And do you, Max Klinger...

- I do! I do!
- You'd better hurry. She's fading.

Bless, O Lord, this ring
in Toledo that he who gives it...

and she who wears it
may abide in thy peace.

- I now pronounce you
man and wife. Amen.
- ## ["The Wedding March"]

[Cheering]

Radar,
what happened to you?

I don't know.

I think I've been slaked.

[Thunderclap]

Here's to the biggest
cannon in the war.

And it's a comfort to know
it's in Your hands.

We're safer
with the rain, you know?

One more lovely
spring day like yesterday...

and we'll need
a group lobotomy.

[Knocking]

You guys got any books
on poetry?

Radar, come in here.

Your voice
is getting deeper.

Your skin
is clearing up.

Well, I got this friend.

- Who is she?
- Who says it's a she?

- Then who's he?
- It's not a he.

Radar, there are only
"he's" and "she's."

Look, he's blushing.

I am not.
My cheeks are just red.

Aw, Radar, come on.
Tell your Uncle Trapper.

And your Aunt Hawkeye.

Why can't you sirs
just act like sirs, sirs?