M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 3, Episode 4 - Iron Guts Kelly - full transcript

General Robert "Iron Guts" Kelly arrives for an inspection and dies in Margaret's tent, prompting his aide Colonel Wortman to do damage control and make it look as if Kelly died in combat.

[Airplane Passing Overhead]

Do you believe that breakfast?

Premature leftovers.

Another day in the R.O.K.

Nurse, I'm putting
myself in your hands.

- That'll be a switch.
- Don't get fresh, Doctor.

I can't help it. I have myself
flown in fresh every day.

All right, people,
everything shipshape in here?

- Aye, aye, sir.
- Except the camp is taking on water.

Can the sarcastication,
Captain...

and start taking
a real interest in our effort.



Are you serious?
I just made a big bet on the war.

- Yeah? Who do you like?
- I got the United Nations
and eight points.

I think that's a pretty good bet
if MacArthur's shoulder holds out.

I certainly hope we're not gonna
have this kind of tomfoolery...

- during General Kelly's inspection.
- Who's General Kelly?

"Iron Guts" Kelly
happens to be...

one of the greatest fighting
generals in our nation's history.

I think I know him. Always fights
in purple trunks? Glass jaw?

- Uh, Rad... Jumpin'...
- Sir! He's here, sir.

- Any word on Gen...
- General Kelly just
pulled in the compound.

Holy moley.
Okay, stash the polish.

I'll put it under "P."

Camp cleaned up?
No crap games?

- No one's invited any business girls?
- Yes, sir. None, sir.



- Good, good. I need a drink.
- The smell, sir.

I'll take vodka.
It doesn't have any.

Radar,
come here a minute.

- What do you smell?
- Bourbon.

Oh, rats. I never should have
had that before the vodka.

- Here, sir. Have some gum.
- Oh, thanks, Radar.

Radar, I can't chew gum
in front of a general.

Ten-hut!

- Colonel Blake.
- Uh, sir?

- I'm Colonel Wortman...
- Colonel.

Aide to
Lieutenant General Kelly.

- General.
- Colonel.

- General.
- First-rate.

Uh-huh.

Uh, your treatment
of the wounded.

The general's impressed with
your high record of achievement...

in the mending
of our men.

Thank you, General.
That's mighty nice.

- The men, that's what it's all about.
- That's what the general believes.

I believe in their care,
their welfare.

Nothing's too good for the men.
A general marches on his men.

Yes, sir.
I'm sure, sir.

Is that one salute
for the whole war, sonny? Hmm?

Bet he lied
about his age to get in.

He won't have to lie
about his injuries to get out.

It kills me.
They're such babies.

When I was his age,
I couldn't make up my mind whether
to become a doctor or a fireman.

What'd you finally decide?

Well, I'm a doctor,
but I have a pole in my office.

Give me some suction here,
Mr. Kwang.

Psst. Psst.
He's on his way, over here.

- Who's over here on his way?
- General Kelly. Iron Guts.

Never fails. The one day
I don't go to the beauty parlor.

- Shall we get out the good silverware?
- This is the good silverware.

Uh-oh. It's
three stars at 12:00.

- Try to look busy for the general.
- Bleed at attention, please.

Yeah, that's good.
All right, go work on the next one.

- Yeah, okay.
- Doctors, we have a guest.

That's a relief.
I thought it was a stickup.

[Henry Laughing]

Uh, Captains Pierce, Mclntyre,
this is Lieutenant General Kelly.

Excuse us
for not saluting, General.

Our hands are
all full of"icch."

What seems to be wrong
with this soldier?

Well, he's got
a weight problem.

Caught about five pounds
of lead in his belly.

You boys are certainly
doing a fine job.

- You too, General.
- Pierce.

We could never do any of this
without your help, sir.

Not at all. I shudder to think
what the army would do
without you fine doctors.

Probably bleed
all over themselves.

And what medical unit
would be complete...

without these lovely
angels of mercy?

Please, general,
don't contaminate our nurse.

If you'll step outside, sir,
I'll have you sterilized.

They kid because
of the tension.

- Yes, it helps create more.
- Uh, right. Yes. No.

Uh, Pierce... Uh, sir,
would you like to see X ray?
Something may develop there.

- [Henry Laughs, Stammers]
- Give me another one.

That's all right.
Likewise, I'm sure.

How about a little,
uh, splash, General?

- Do you drink during a war?
- Are we under attack?

I always feel
that way, sir.

Well, I'll have
a double rye.

- Uh, with soda? Water?
- You got something
against rye, Colonel?

Uh, double rye for the general,
Mr. Kwok. Colonel?

I'll have the same
as the general.

The colonel will have
what the general is having...

and I'll have what the general
and colonel are having.

- Rye, sir?
- Right. Only make mine scotch.

Yes, sir.

A little quiet
around here for a war.

- Well, thank you, sir.
- The general means...

What I mean is, if I don't
hear some good old-fashioned
gunfire every now and again...

I think I'd go
out of my mind.

Would you like me
to send a few of my men
out to the rifle range, sir?

That's what you need
around here... some music.

- Thank you.
- [Coughing]

Oh, uh, General Kelly,
I'd like you to meet our very
fine head nurse, Major Houlihan...

and, uh, Major Burns, one of
our best surgeons, a real killer.

- Major.
- General.

- General.
- Major.

- And the general's aide,
Colonel Wortman.
- Major.

- Colonel.
- Colonel.
- Major.

- Colonel.
- General.

Hmm? Oh, no.
My colonel, Colonel.

Oh, I'm sorry, General.
I got it all brass-backwards.

Uh, Colonel, maybe the majors
will join us in a drink.

Just being in your presence
is intoxicating enough, General.

A very kind thing to say.

We're always surprised
that she can be kind, sir.

General, I wonder if I might take
a snapshot for my scrapbook.

Sure, if you wanna take a chance
on breaking your camera.

This all right
with you, Major?

- Oh, General, I'd be flattered.
- You back far enough, Frank?

Excuse me.

- Oh! Your gun is digging into my thigh.
- Lucky gun.

Would you take a picture of me
and the general with the major, Colonel?

Oh, you got it.

Colonel Wortman, why don't you
go along with Major Burns here...

and check out the unit's
motor pool setup...

and see how closely it conforms
to the Pentagon's new Franistan Plan.

Give it a good going-over.
Take your time,
a couple ofhours at least.

- Yes, sir.
- Now, General?

General, what is
the Franistan Plan?

A tremendous
army research project...

for making crankcase oil
edible after 5,000 miles.

Really?

- Major?
- Yes, Colonel. General.

Oh, sorry.

How about
a refill, General?

Hmm? Oh, oh.
No, thanks, Colonel.

It's... [Yawns]... getting
to be about that time.

Got to put the little
old stars to bed.

Oh, well, then, I'll just
show you the V.I.P. Tent, sir.

Oh, that won't
be necessary.

Oh, it's-it's no bother.
Whenever you're ready, General.

I'll see you
in the morning, Colonel.

Oh, fine.

Then you probably won't be seeing
any more of me right now.

I've got dirt to scratch
and eggs to lay.

General. Major.

- Pierce, wake up! Pierce!
- Huh?

- I've got to see you.
- Margaret, this is
a recurring dream come true.

- My tent.
- Whatever you say.

Gee, now I wish
I'd shaved last month.

- [Clattering]
- What's up?

I need your help.
I'm in trouble. Terrible trouble.

And you, a nurse? Take two aspirin
and give two to the rabbit.

- Please!
- Please?

[Man]
Hey, Doc.

Come on over. We're having a party
with some of the local lovelies.

No, thanks.
I'm a happily unmarried man.

There's a lot of big brass around.
You guys got to keep it down...

or we'll have
to pinch your girls.

- Devil.
- Yes, sir.

Probably a massive M.I.

If his last words were
"I shall return," don't wait.

I think his pulse
stopped before he did.

This is terrible. Nothing like this has
ever happened to me before.

I'm sure it's
a first for him too.

- Did you try to resuscitate him?
- How do you think he died?

We've got to get him
out of here.

Well, the only problem is
all the walk's gone out of his legs.

[Knocking]
Psst.! Margaret, it's me.

It's Frank.
What do I do with him?

- Well, this is no time to go into that.
- Not in front of the general.

Margaret, let me in.
I've got to talk to you.

I've got
a terrible headache.

Well, it's not a "headache" visit.
I just wanna talk.

Just a minute, Frank.

[Clattering]

- What is it, Frank?
- Well, Margaret, l...

- What's going on?
- Nothing's going on, Frank.
I just couldn't sleep.

- And we couldn't sleep.
- So we're all here
not sleeping together.

- Gin.
- Get rid of them.

- You cheated.
- I did not.

- Give me 20 minutes.
- It's so unlike you having them here.

Well, it's all right, Frank.
It's unlike them too, so...

I know you cheated 'cause
I taught you everything you know.

- Come again, Frank.
- Good night, Frank.

Don't you wish.

Just as I suspected... a closet general.
Step right this way, sir.

- Trap.
- Check outside.

All clear.
Where are you taking him?

To the V.I.P. Tent.

- Will that be all right?
- He doesn't seem to mind.

Hey, hey, hey.

All we need is for
somebody to salute him.

He'd probably return it
out of reflex.

Okay. Come on.

Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.

What's wrong?
Is the general ill?

- He's a little past ill.
- What are you saying?

- He's dead.
- Dead? What...

He can't be dead.

Look, we both studied "dead."
This man's dead.

But he-he-he was fine
a little while ago. What happened?

- Myocardial infarction.
- What does that mean?

It means his pearl-handled guns
are up for grabs now.

Well, this is horrible.
How did it happen?

- Um...
- We'd rather not say.

Let's just say he expired in here.
He just V.I.P.'ed away.

No.

He died in action,
at the front.

That's what
the headlines will read.

Leading his troops
against overwhelming odds...

with shells bursting
all around him...

until that one shell with his name
on it caught up with him.

That's how
General "Iron Guts" Kelly died.

Oh, I see.
Not, uh...

Oh.

I got a pretty good idea
of how he really went...

but it's got to appear as though
he died more meaningfully.

There is a Zen saying:

"Just as a clay jar will
sooner or later crumble while
being lowered into a well...

so all generals must eventually
perish in battle."

All you have to do is
sign the death certificate.
I'll fill in the details.

There's another
Zen saying:

"Only doctors with holes in head
sign death certificates
like gift vouchers."

- Count us out.
- Then I'll have to order you.

- That's different.
- Then we refuse.

Is the captain aware
of chain of command?

Is the colonel aware
of the Hippocratic oath?

We have sworn
never to misrepresent.

Never to use tongue depressors
for shoehorns.

Never to have ourselves
paged at the front.

And not to open the Acme
Death Certificate Company.

History demands that the general
die a glorious death.

You know where we can hire
500 Indians and a wagon train?

If you lie about
the general dying in battle...

it's unfair to the thousands
of guys who really did.

Not at all. He was willing to die
that way, hoping to die that way.

He was a nutcase.

I think dying this way
may have saved his life.

Good night, Colonel.

I'll see you both
at court-martial.

We'll be the ones
with our hands on the Bible.

Uh, Captains.

Uh, I appeal to your... patriotism,
your sense of fair play.

- Make up your mind.
- Just one favor.

He's too heavy
for me to lift.

Put the general in an ambulance,
and I'll drive him to the front.

- That much we can do.
- But not a word of this to Hippocrates.

- You there!
- [Yells]

- Get me the war on the phone.
- The war, sir?

The front, boy.
The front.

That's not a teddy bear?

Uh, yes, sir. Regulations against
having the real kind.

Let's get on the stick.

- Do you have the number
of the front, sir?
- No, I don't.

Uh, is it
an unlisted battle?

Just get me an army sector
where there's heavy fighting.
I've got to get there.

Uh, Eighth Army,
73rd Artillery, "G" Sector?

Uh, Ra...
Here you go, sir.

Colonel Wortman here,
aide to General Kelly.
What's the picture up there?

Exchanging
any heavy fire?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

I see.

No fighting,
but lots of diarrhea.

Why would you wanna go
to the front to see that, sir?

- It's not for me. It's for the general.
- Oh.

Get me, um...
Get me Hill 413.

I know we've been trying
to take it for weeks.

Hill 413.

Uh, yeah, uh, MASH 4077 th.
How's it going up there?

Yeah? Uh, oh, right.

Uh, I'm sorry, sir.
We took that hill.

- What rotten luck.
- Well, you can't lose 'em all.

Don't you know where there's
some action going on?

Uh, well, there's always
Rosie's place across the road.

Where's the morning paper?
They've always got a war going.

Oh, we don't get this morning's paper
for two weeks, sir.

Well, call around.
This is a war.

- Someone must be fighting it somewhere.
- Yes, sir.

The general's
heavier than I thought.

About a hundred pounds
of it is ego.

- Your end first.
- Okay.

This reminds me
of medical school.

- We once took a cadaver
to a football game.
- You're kidding.

He was a lot more fun
than my date.

- [Knocking]
- Who is it?

- [Frank] It's me.
- Me who?

Me. Frank.

What is it, Frank?

What do you mean, "Me who?"
When I say "It's me"?
How many me's do you know?

Frank, you're the only "me" in my life.
Now, please go.

- What's the matter with you, Margaret?
- I have a headache.

A tremendous headache.

It goes all the way
down to my waist.

Get it, Frank?
One of those headaches.

Something is going on
around here, Margaret.

Oh, Frank, you're the only thing
that's going on around here.

- I saw them.
- They're not here.

- Who's not here?
- They're not, and he's not either.

He who?

Nobody's here, Frank.
You and I are here.

And you're not
even here, officially.

Margaret, I saw Pierce and Mclntyre
fooling around with a body.

Well, you know
what perverts they are.

A dead body.
Now, that's not their job.

Now, why are they suddenly
acting like undertakers?

Well, how do
I know, Frank?

Maybe they're moonlighting.

Frank, my headache
is killing me.

What's the matter
with everyone in this camp?

The general's aide has me
giving him a pillowcase count
and a history of urology.

Pierce and Mclntyre
are acting like body snatchers.

- And every time
I come in here, you... Ow!
- [Screams]

- Margaret, what is this?
- What is this? What this?

Well, it's a star.
A general's star.

Oh.

Well...

Well, if it's
a general's star, then...

then-then it's
a general's star.

Frank, my headache
is leaking out of my ears.

- What's a general star
doing in here?
- Well, it's very simple, Frank.

General Kelly's daughter
wants to be an army nurse...

and he wanted to see
what her quarters would look like...

so he asked if he could
come over and look at mine.

- Well, did he?
- Did he what?

- Look at yours?
- Get out!

Take your nasty little mind
and your skinny little lips
and get out, ferret face!

- Oh, great. Uh, sir,
I think I found you a war.
- Where?

You wanna give me
your location again, please?

Three miles
northeast of Inchon...

longitude 70,
latitude 27.

- Are they drawing heavy fire?
- Sir, the enemy blew up
two of our bridges...

but we recaptured the hill
and there's heavy casualties
on both sides.

Great. Wonderful.

Well, I guess I'll let you
get back to your fun.

Come on.
Your limousine is waiting.

[Women Giggling]

Keep it down, girls.

- Hope this is dry enough for you.
- Can't be drier than I am.

Here's to "Iron Guts" Kelly.
He died with his boots on.

And his socks off.

- I found a sector that's being bombed.
- What a lucky sector.

Where's the ambulance?

Well, it just pulled out.
We thought you took it.

- I didn't take the ambulance.
- Well, I should hope not, Colonel.

- It was full of floozies.
- Uh-oh.

Just what ambulance
are we talking about, Major?

Well, the one parked
in front of the V.I.P. Tent.

- Oh, my...
- They won't get far, Colonel.

I called the M.P.s. That ambulance
is going to be stopped...

and everyone
inside arrested.

You can't do that.
That's restraint of trade.

Major...

if it's
the last thing I do...

I'll see that you hang
by your clusters.

What's the matter with him?
Why did he jump on me like that?

Are you blind, Frank?
The man's crazy about you.
Right, Trap?

- What?
- Oh, yeah, Frank.

You're playing it
just right... hard to get.

You vixen.

What are you doing there?

Nothing. I swear it.

Get me the M.P. Checkpoint,
on the double.

Yes, sir. You want me
to get you one under fire?

Radar, what in blazes is going on?
The whole camp is jumping.

- Uh, well...
- [Phone Rings]

MASH 4077 th.
Colonel Blake here.

When? How?

- Wow.
- What is it?

A Korean national on a bicycle,
his family, their furniture and a pig...

made a bad turn and sent one of
our ambulances over an embankment.

Was anyone hurt?
Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, they pulled six business girls
out of the ambulance.

They're okay, but the general's dead.
He's been killed.

General who?

- Kelly?
- Wow!

General...
General Kelly's been killed.

You think the girls
would've broken his fall.

Well, I mean,
Lord, he was just here.

What was he doing in an ambulance?
I didn't know he was sick.

Colonel Wortman here,
General Kelly's aide.

Now, listen carefully.
This is an order.

Take the general's body,
put it in a jeep
and drive it up to "G" Sector.

Uh, sir, there's
no fighting there, just diarrhea.

I'll provide the fighting.

Get on with it.
Get me Kimpo Air Base.

- Yes, sir.
- I want a squadron of jets.

And get me the navy for
some offshore bombardment.

Major General
Robert "Iron Guts" Kelly...

is gonna perish in a full-scale,
blazing, all-out...

glorious,
star-spangled-banner death.

- Hey, guys.
- Yes, Henry?

Is he talking about killing
a general who's already dead?

- That's right, Henry.
- Well, uh, isn't that sort of crazy?

And rockets.
I want plenty of rockets.

That's for the red glare.

- Here it is, Trap.
Front page. Stars and Stripes.
- Lay it on me.

"The Pentagon announced today
the death of one of the U.S.
Army's most colorful figures...

Lieutenant General
Robert "Iron Guts" Kelly,
a man who was loved by all."

Only one time
too many.

Seems he died in battle.

"In action to the finish,
heroic to the end."

I got a bad taste
in my mouth.

I'm gonna go gargle
with a martini.

There you go,
hiding behind booze again,
afraid to face reality.

Reality is up for grabs.

One man's reality is
another man's fantasy.

Right. You take
the reality one...

I'll take the one
with the big fantasy.