M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 3, Episode 3 - Officer of the Day - full transcript

## [Bugle: "Retreat"]

## [Off-key Notes]

## [Off-key Notes Continue]

Fire ceremonial salute.

- But, sir, the angle...
- Fire the salute, Private!

Yes, sir.

- [Metal Clangs]
- Ow!

[Squealing]

- What the... What did he do?
- [Men Chattering]

Corporal, a little decorum,
please!

You... I'm all right.
Let me down. I'm all right.



I'm okay. Ooh!

Company...

order arms!

- The company's arms are ordered, sir.
- We're at order arms.

[Grunts]
Excuse me.

Now then,
during Colonel Blake's absence,
I will act in his capacity.

So, if there are any problems,
you may bring them to me...

or to our fine adjutant here,
Major Houlihan.

Talking to the major
is the same as talking to me...

since we are intimate
with each other at all times.

[Clears Throat]

Company...

inspection arms!

[Rifles Cocking]



[Sighs]

Uh-huh.

- You shave today, soldier?
- Yes, sir.

Well, tomorrow try it
with a blade in the razor.

- I want this man on report, Corporal.
- Uh, what's the charge, sir?

Heavy beard in combat zone.

Aah!

- Are you all right, sir?
- [Whimpers]

- Fingernail polish?
- Flame d'Amour, sir.

- And earrings?
- They match the ring, sir.
I'm a symphony in coordination.

High heels?

You're a disgrace
to American man- and womanhood.

So stop bucking for a discharge
while I'm in command,
Corporal Nutsy Fagin!

- You're not getting out
of this man's army.
- At least give me a pass, sir.

I'd like to spend
a little time with people.

- Request denied.
- Please, sir. I'd like to be
in Seoul for Mother's Day.

- No!
- Father's Day?
I'll wear something tailored.

I said no!
Corporal, make a note.

I want this creature's dresses...

his entire wardrobe
and all that stuff burned!

Burned? Sir, a man has a right
to his own trousseau!

Shut up!

Now, that concludes
our fine little retreat ceremony
and inspection.

I hope you've enjoyed it
as much as I've enjoyed
inspecting you.

[Yawns]
I'm going off duty now, and your
officer of the day will be...

- Corporal, do you have...
- I have the roster notes
right here, sir.

The officer of the day
will be Captain
Benjamin Franklin Pierce.

Captain Pierce? Good.

Captain Pierce,
step forward.

Captain... Pierce.

- Hi, Frank.
- That doesn't scare me one bit.

Is he sleeping again?

No, Frank. He heard so much
about rigor mortis, he thought
he would try it.

- Wake up, Pierce!
- [Moaning]

- Come on! Get up!
- Hey, Frank, lay off.
He was 14 hours in O.R.

Tough tilly. Up, up, up!

Get lost, Frank.
Go rinse out the flag.

Trap, you're a witness.
He's violating the dead.

- Pull yourself together, mister.
- Breakfast?

My kidneys
were expecting orange juice.

Silly kidneys.

[Coughing]
Smooth.

This morning
was a very good year.

I dreamed I was walking
along the beach with my mother.

There was this giant,
bleached-out Frank Burns
lying on the sand...

its white belly shining
in the sun.

- Pierce.
- I said, "Mommy, can I touch it?"

And she said, "Be careful, son.
The dullness rubs off."

Very amusing.

- Pierce, you're officer of the day.
- I pass.

- Give it to somebody else.
- You're it, and that's an order.

Here's your arm band
and log book.

Here's your belt,
holster and sidearm.

There's also a sash
and sword that goes with it.

That's in case we're attacked
by the Saracens.

Or you have to do
a tall appendectomy.

I will not carry a gun, Frank.

When I got into this war,
I had a very clear understanding
with the Pentagon.

- No guns.
- Hmm!

I'll carry your books,
I'll carry a torch...

I'll carry a tune,
I'll carry on, carry over,
carry forward...

Cary Grant, cash and carry...

carry me back to old Virginia,
I'll even "hari-kari,"
if you show me how...

but I will not carry a gun!

All right,
Captain 'Fraidy Cat.

- You have your orders, mister.
- Bye, Frank.

That was totally uncalled for.

Emptiest holster
in the West.

I do believe
it's a new sheriff in town.

That's right, stranger.

And I'm gonna make
everybody in this town do
just what I want 'em to do.

I think I'll start
with the girls.

As of 1600 hours, sir,
all secure.

Very good, Radar.
Your report is concise, informative
and makes no sense whatsoever.

Thank you, sir.
Any orders, sir?

Yes, take an order.
All the troops can go home.

I'm declaring peace
and a general amnesty.

- Aw, come on, Hawk.
- You're free too.

I'll give you ten bucks
and a new suit later.

Well, I'm gonna need
your signature on this.

I'm not signing anything.
You're not putting the war in my name.

For all I know, Henry didn't
keep up the payments.

What's this job like?

I'm a new man here.
I been working down in sales.

Well, you just have to be
on duty in case stuff happens...

inspect the place,
do a bed check.

You probably wanna handle that
personally.

[Laughing]

You can inspect the nurses' showers.
I didn't give you a birthday present.

Yes, sir.
[Laughing Continues]

Privates Carter and Willis
reporting, sir.

Guard needs to be changed, sir.

Okay. Change 'em
and get 'em out of here.

Uh, sir. They need to know
the password.

I would certainly think so.
What was it yesterday?

- Betty Boop.
- I like it.

An unpretentious little
password, but it's got sex.

- Betty Boop.
- Why get off a winner?

Orders for the guards, sir?

Be brave,
be loyal, be true.

- And keep
your white flags handy just in case.
- Dismissed!

Good night, guards.
Sleep well.

Sir. Sir?

- Sir.
- Go away, Radar.

- You're not 'upposed to go to sleep.
- I'm not sleeping.

I'm inspecting the inside
of my eyelids.

Business, sir.
Local indigenous personnel
requesting medical attention.

- This is his I.D. Card.
- [Groaning]

"Kim Luck. Age 42...

5'6", occupation: Farmer."

Hello.

Looks like an axe wound.
Might need a stitch or two.

Take Mr. Luck to the hospital,
and ask the duty nurse to fix him up.

- Tetanus shot.
- This way, please.

Harry Truman number one G.I. Joe.

I'll tell him you stopped by.

[Horn Honking]

Sounds like somebody's
pulled up to our gas pumps.

- Where the hell is everybody?
Hit it again, Sergeant.
- [Horn Honking]

[Hawkeye]
Knock it off.
You'll wake up the war.

Well, look who's here...

Colonel Flagg, our friendly,
undercover, overanxious
intelligence man.

Do I know you?
And don't try to deny it.

Of course you know me.
Olivia de Havilland.

- Perkins. Captain Perkins.
- Pierce.

- That's what I said...
Captain Pierce.
- Right. Perkins.

Four, maybe five months ago,
here on an investigation, right?

Right. We still have
one of your hidden mikes
in our latrine.

We thought
we'd make an album for you.

I got a wounded gook here.

You got a wounded person here.

Who wounded him?

I did.

Somehow that figured.

He's in shock.
You do nice work.

Stretcher case, on the double.

- He's a civilian.
- He's North Korean Army.

Caught him near an ammo dump.
Taking him to Seoul.

If he's still breathing,
you are.

We stopped on the road, he ran
and I put a couple into him.

- Of course you did.
How could you resist?
- Patch him up fast, Doc.

Prep him for surgery.
Start him on plasma, stat.

About a two-inch cuff
on the pants.

Will be just as you like it,
Capitan.

- Plenty of room in the seat.
- Hey, Hawk.

- His brains have to breathe.
- This is Mr. Yu, the tailor.
Captain Pierce.

- Honored, sir.
- Honored.

May your needle be true
and your flies always straight.

Two pair of pants and a vest,
12 bucks.

Yeah, there's nothing wrong
with a single-breasted Kleenex.

Oh, that should bag up nicely.
I need you.

- Flagg is here... Army Intelligence.
- That's a contradiction in terms.

He's got a wounded North Korean
prisoner, prepped and ready.

Hawk, I'm with my tailor.
Get Frank.

Frank is off duty, which helps
keep down the mortality rate.

- Hold it.
- Those are Mr. Yu's boys.

Marshall and Elroy.

I know these two claw machines.
They were here a couple of months ago.

- They stole a 20-pound ham.
- They didn't?

- And the refrigerator
it was stored in.
- Those two kids?

Their pictures are in the post office
in the juvenile section.

All right. Unload, men.
Unpocket yourselves. Come on.

Are you their real father
or did they steal you?

The pinstripe.
I'll take it.

Sister Klinger?
Pressing a little, aren't we?

- Sir, I caught him trying
to sneak out of camp.
- I was out for a walk.

- Looking for an all-night novena?
- I just wanted to get to Seoul
for a few days, sir.

What are you trying to do to me,
Klinger? I'm officer of the day.

- You go AWOL, they hang it on me.
- Sorry, sir.

"While officer of the day,
Captain Pierce did allow
hairy nun to desert."

How'd you like that
on your record?

Sir, I wouldn't care if
my record said I was a bedbug.

Slip into something secular...
and stay put.

If I don't get some time off,
I'm gonna stick my nose
into a chopper blade.

When the colonel comes back,
I'll ask him about a pass for you.

Bless you, sir.

Klinger? Love your beads.

Any calls for me
while I was in?

Somebody said
we could have this.

Oh, really? Somebody?

You kids
are gonna have to stop stealing.

Why don't you go to bars
and roll an officer
like other children?

Go on. Come on.

What's up, Radar?

Well, indigenous personnels
again, sir, requesting
medical attention.

- That's his I.D. Card.
- What, did we advertise
a weekend special?

Kim Luck? That's the second one
we had today.

That's the way
it runs sometimes, sir.

Can you identify yourself?

This is me.

Well, I guess you wouldn't
kid me about a thing like that.

- Bring him to the hospital.
- Yes, sir.

This must be our Kim Lucky day.

This way.

I don't like people kibitzing
when I operate.

- I didn't ask you.
- That's why I'm answering.

Just do your job,
I'll do mine, mister.

You're not gonna get anywhere
being a softie.

- What's he gowning up for?
- Says he has to watch.

We'll let you know
if we find any microfilm
in the kid's bladder.

I'm only gonna say this once.

That's my prisoner.
Where he goes, I go.
You read me?

- Like a cheap novel.
- Just stitch him up.

I want him put together
and put together fast.

[Trapper]
Your concern is touching.

I have to get to Seoul so we can
execute him over the weekend.

Save the kid's life so
you can take it away from him?

You got it.

- Nice.
- Beautiful.

- War.
- Stinks.

Will you believe me?
You got the wrong number.

- [Knock At Door]
- One second.

I can't give you
an infantry charge.
We're only doctors.

The best we can do
is storm the enemy
and take their tonsils out.

Come.

How did he try it this time?

Pretending to be
a business girl.

Klinger. Klinger, where did
your mother and I go wrong?

How's he doing?

What's the matter?
Afraid he'll die and ruin
your weekend?

Forceps.

Forceps.

One of your slugs
for your charm bracelet.

All right.
Saline for irrigation.
Come on.

Saline.

[Sighs]

I was just checking
for centipedes.

Just look for a lot
of little house slippers.

Sir, do you mind
if we close those doors?

Don't be antisocial,
Radar.

Good night.

He belonged to my brother.

And he left it to you
when he went off to war?

No, he was 4F.

He was a box boy
in a supermarket.

Well, they also serve
who stand and stuff.

[Sighs]

Would you mind
turning your head, please?

Radar, I'm a doctor.
I've seen more behinds
than you'll ever have.

Gee, I don't think it's too much
to ask for one guy to ask
another guy to turn his head.

Your modesty is almost indecent.

Well, if you're a doctor
like you say...

then you don't need to see
any more than you've seen.

Go ahead, get sore. I love it
when those little wisps of steam
come out of your tiny ears.

Sir?

There's a lady out there.

Yes, ma'am?

Number one pain here.

Boy, this card's getting
a workout today. Radar?

- Sir?
- We're being Kim Lucked again.

Would you take
this lady inside, please?

Yes, sir. Come.

[Trapper]
Move him? In that condition?

Are you out of your
sadomasochistic mind, sir?

- Okay. When?
- Well, that's hard to say... very hard.

Dr. Pierce here has had a lot
of experience in moving patients
that are about to be executed.

It was my postgraduate specialty...
Blindfold and Last Cigarette 102.

All right. Sign him out,
put him on a stretcher.
I'll take the responsibility.

- Uh, we'll have to confer on that.
- Yeah, we'll only be a minute.

Amuse yourself...
take some fingerprints,
break somebody on the rack.

I'd like to fix him
a ground glass burger.

We are not going to let him take
that 16-year-old kid to Seoul
and put him against the wall.

- I'm with you, Rocky.
- Stall?

Big. Big stall.

Uh, Colonel,
there's a medical consideration
which supersedes the military.

That man is still unconscious.
We can't release him in that condition.

He could sleep
through the whole execution.
That wouldn't be any fun.

I want to talk
to your commanding officer.

You gonna execute him instead?

Tough luck. He's down
in Tokyo attending a series
of medical conferences.

And dodging hotel dicks.

Where can I reach him?

You could try
Madame Chang's Whoopee Parlor.

Or in the Pachinko Palace.
He's in the semifinals.

Couple of cutie pies,
ain't you?

- Thank you.
- Who's your second in command?

- Uh, Major Frank Burns, M.D.
- Manic-depressive.
It's an honorary title.

He's also schizoid.

Sleeps in two bunks.

You clowns are pushing me around
pretty good, cooperation-wise.

Not to mention wise-guy-wise.

If I lay a charge of obstructing
military justice on you...

you're gonna have
a snootful of trouble.

What could they do?
Send us to the front?

We're at the front.
Maybe they'll put us
in front of the front.

Hawkeye, can I see you?
Uh, sir, it's important.

What's wrong, Radar?
Your slight but sturdy body
is all atremble.

Well, you know who...
I mean, what I sleep with?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Well, it's gone.

I've looked everywhere.
Sir, you gotta help me find it.

Have no fear, Radar.
We'll look in every tent.

- We'll conduct a louse-to-louse search.
- [Flagg] Hold it!

You gonna sign out my prisoner?

Colonel, I have a more important
problem on my hands...

one of our teddy bears
is missing.

[Hawkeye]
Look. I didn't mind when you
tried to steal the telephone.

And I was rather pleased
when you tried to make off
with 100 pounds of saltpeter.

But this is going too far.
Now where is it?

[Imitating German Accent]
You are being foolish.
We have ways of making you talk.

Pierce,
I want a word with you!

- Radar, take 'em downtown and book 'em.
- Oh, yes, sir. Come on!

Captain Pierce, Major Burns
would like to talk to you
as acting commander.

- Good. I'll act like I'm listening.
- He went and got 'em, Hawk.

I bet he found 'em double-parked
in an erogenous zone.

Oh! What a mouth!

Just you never mind
where we were, Nosey Nate!

Captain Pierce,
Major Burns, Acting Commander...

and I, his adjutant,
have been informed...

that you and Captain Mclntyre refuse
to release Colonel Flagg's prisoner.

Meanwhile, Aunt Martha, having
taken a tramp in the woods...

is lying in a ditch
at the edge of town.

A dozen medical units, I have
to pull into a funny farm.

Your kid's too sick to travel.

- He could die between here and Seoul.
- I'll take that chance.

- Oh, he'll take that chance.
- Nice.

Colonel Flagg's prisoner
is a spy!

You have no right
to interfere!

While we're on spies,
ask the major about the secret
pocket in her garter belt.

If I didn't hate violence,
I'd kick you.

Would you?
With high heels?

Get off the pot, Major.
Lean on 'em.

[Clears Throat]
Yes. Right. All right.

[Sniffles]
Now hear this!
I order you to sign.

Sorry, we can't take any
new orders till after Christmas.

You can't disobey him!
He's a major!

Oh, uh, just a minute,
just a minute.
He's only got two clusters.

Between us two captains,
we've got eight bars.
We outrank you by half a chorus.

Major Burns,
I just thought of something.

Besides being acting commander,
you are also a doctor.

Hey, that's right.
Frank's a doctor.
How about that, Hawk?

Your secret is safe with us,
you son of a gun. Certainly
your patients will never know.

- You can release the prisoner.
- I can?

Oh, I can.
Except that I can't.

Now, this requires
two doctors' signatures.

- Oh, no, forget it.
- Two.

Right!

- I have had it with you fruitcakes!
- [Gun Cocks]

Now that's my boy
in that hospital.

I caught him and he's mine.

I'm taking him to Seoul.

Okay, you got your body, Flagg.

It's your war, not mine.

This'll teach you eggheads
not to screw around with intelligence.

Corpsmen!

I promised him a trip to Seoul.

The North Korean prisoner
suspected of espionage,
recovering satisfactorily...

will be turned over
to military intelligence...

as soon as somebody can be found
with military intelligence.

Paragraph.

Examined, diagnosed and treated
a total of five Kim Lucks...

a new Kim Luck record I hope
will stand for a long time.

Paragraph.

Property
of Corporal O'Reilly returned.

Father and teddy bear
doing nicely.

Well, I guess that's about it,
Radar.

Hey, you guys wanna see
the pinstripe suit of all time?

Yeah.
[Laughing]

[Hawkeye]
He's a great tailor, but with
a lousy sense of direction.

[Laughing Continues]

Hey!