M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 3, Episode 22 - Payday - full transcript

[Man on P.A.]
Attention, all personnel. Attention.

The eagle screams today.
It's payday.

All personnel will kindly form
an orderly stampede.

[Man]
Don't push. Come on.

- Hey, come on!
- Hey, come on.

[All Shouting, Indistinct]

All right,
can we have quiet?

- Can we have a little
quiet out there, please?
- [Shouting Continues]

All right, everybody,
hold it down a little, will you?

Silence these rowdies,
will you, Radar?

- Quiet!
- [Shouting Subsides]



- Radar, you've got class
coming out of each belly button.
- Yes, sir.

- Now, let's get on with it, shall we?
- Uh, yes, sir.

You are aware that you're
pay officer of today.

I know that. I'm not some movie
I just walked in in the middle of.

Yeah. I just wanted to make sure
you were aware of the regulations.

Um, "Each payment
in military script...

"is to be made in accordance...

"with regulation 7-9-7/9-4-J...

"ascertaining that each
signature opposite each name...

"corresponds
with each said pay...

"and in the event that there is
a discrepancy in the aforementioned...

"in either an overage
or an underage of funds...

you are wholly
and only responsible. "

Thanks. Are you sure
you got that, sir?



- Sure as you're one foot high, Radar.
- Cut that out.

Glad you could
all make it today.

I'm your genial host, Hawkeye Pierce,
star of stage, screen and radioactivity.

- Well, I guess I'll go pay the officers.
- Go pay the officers now.

Isn't he wonderful?
He'll be back.

May we have the first
contestant, please.

Private Frank Daily, sir.
5-6-7-0-9-5-4-6.

Daily. Daily.
Right. Okay.

Seventy-five dollars
and thirty-one, two, three cents.

Just sign on the dotted.

Hope I got this right.
I'm just an ordinary chest-cutter.

I can't make change
for anything over two nurses.

Next.

- Klinger!
- Yes, sir?

Just where do you get the gall
to show up for payday dressed
like a two-dollar streetwalker?

Sorry, Father.

I was worried about
these earrings with tweed.

Not only is masquerading as a starlet
not going to get you out of the army...

military regulations
specifically state...

that no soldier may receive
his pay unless in uniform.

In uniform.
Do you read me, Corporal Crazy?

Oh, give me a break, sir.
I gotta get my money. It's important.

And next time stand a little closer
to the razor when you shave.

My knees get in the way.

Dismissed! March!
Hup, two, three, four!
Hup, two, three, four!

Sir, are you busy?

No, Radar. Just looking
for my wallet. Clamp.

Payday. Your money.

Retract the bowel, Nurse. Just file it
in the office, Radar, under "Broke."

Uh, yes, sir.

There we go.

- I don't look old enough
to be his father, do I?
- No, sir.

I never been sure, you know.

I spent a week in his hometown once.
Suction here.

Okay. Now, no-limit game.

Check and raise? Okay?

Usual rules. If you got
the pink slip on it, you can bet it.

Oh, we gonna play or talk?

- Here's your pay, ma'am.
- Thanks, Peewee.

- Sir.
- Thanks, Radar.

Been in the family for years.
Found him on my doorstep.

Never regretted taking him
out of the milk bottle.

Open for five.

Your five and five more.

Oh, Captain Kamikaze's
in town, huh?

Next!

Corporal Klinger.
36-24-36.

- This man is not to be paid.
- What are you talking about?

I said he wasn't to be paid
unless he got into uniform.

What's this, chopped liver?

Here you go, Klinger.

- Just sign yourJane Hancock.
- You're a prince, sir.

You may kiss my ring later.

Are you just going to sit there
and go over my head?

Frank, if I could yawn with my
mouth closed, you'd have no idea
how boring you really are.

Oh, phooey to youey!

Next.

- Here's your pay, Father.
- Thank you, Radar.

You collected anything for
Sister Theresa's orphanage?

Oh, four I.O.U. S and an offer
to give the bishop a nose job.

Oh, well, don't worry about it.
It'll get better.

Why, thank you, Radar.

Casting bread upon
the waters, my son?

Oh, no, Father.
I'd never do that. Food is sacred.

- All officers paid
and accounted for, Hawk.
- Good man.

- You got a big day planned?
- Oh, I just figured I'd
goof off and take a shower.

Oh, decided not to wait
till the end of the war, huh?

I, myself, personally, am off
to the Officers' Tonsil Wash
Emporium and Whoopee Parlor...

to meet a nurse
of the totally opposite sex.

And there isn't a thing
she can do I don't deserve.

- Where did this come from?
- It was left over. It's yours.

- A tip from Uncle Sam.
- [Clinking]

Ten bucks?
Hey, I can't keep this.

Well, then, share it
with ten corporals.

- I can't.
- Or 20 privates at 50 cents each.

- Go buy some popcorn.
See the new hygiene film.
- No, you don't understand.

When you got funds left over,
you have to fill out this
special refund fund form.

No, you fill it out.

I'm gonna tie a giant olive
around my neck and sink
to the bottom of a martini.

I'm gonna need
some help with this.

Radar, tell the United States Army,
which I so proudly hail...

that not only do I send
back their ten dollars...

I would also dearly love some
compensation for dragging me
out of my warm bed in Maine...

and giving me
this ringside seat at the war...

which has already caused me to lose
almost $3,000 of my civilian practice...

by not being there to say
to various people, "Please lower
your trousers and say 'Ah."'

- Uh, yeah, I just got one question.
- What?

Um, what is
your maiden name?

[Knocking On Door]

Come!

Kim Chun Quoc
at your service, Major, sir.

- Yes, yes, I know.
- Tiffany on wheels.

Like a P.X.
Better even.

Uh, happy coat.
Just your size, Major.

Drives the honeys nuts.

You see this?
You know what this is?

Fourteen-carat cheap.

I'm a happily married man, mister.
Honeys aren't any of my business.

Ah! The wife.

I got some pearls here. The oysters
cried when they gave them up.

[Whistles]
Those are real beauts.

The major knows the best.

Of course I know the best.
I'm an American, after all.

Fifteen hundred bucks.
And I don't haggle.

- Too rich for my blood.
- Uh, yeah, 800. But we didn't haggle.

- Not a penny more than five.
- You got 'em.

And I'll throw in an imitation set
for 50 bucks, no extra charge.

What would I do
with an imitation set?

Well, the major's
happily married.

Uh, he must have something
on the side, or he wouldn't be so happy.

- I owe the pot 50 bucks.
- You want me to lend you a hundred?

Give it to me free,
and I'll marry you.

Not if either one of us
was the last man on Earth.

- You're down 500, Doc.
- Who asked you?

There's a bonus
for reenlisting.

You got terminal mouth,
Sergeant. Deal.

Excuse me. Any room
for a poor pulpit-pounder?

- Fall right in, Father.
- Oh, you're very kind.

You see, I'm hoping
to raise some funds.

I gave at the office.

- No extra help, Father.
- Oh, no, no.

Don't you have something
really pretty?

Life here is so colorless.
So... blah.

- Oh.
- Now that's class.

Oh. Oh.

- How much?
- Fifteen hundred.

- Oh.
- Uh, 500?

An oyster irritated
for over a year...

to form these spherical delights.

- Two fifty?
- Too much.

Look, I can get you
a strand for 35 bucks.

No irritation, no sweat,
no nothing.

- The oysters were glad
to get rid of them.
- Could I have a look?

I sold the last set to a major
a couple of tents down. I can
get you the same in an hour.

A major?
Major Burns?

I don't know his name.
Uh, he had what we call in
Korea a real "fertilizer face."

He bought cheap pearls,
this major?

Also the $500 job
for his wife.

He's a happy married man.
I could tell by the way the ring
was cutting into his finger.

[Man On P.A.]
Attention, all personnel.

Due to the incredible mediocrity
of last night's movie...

it will be shown again tonight
at 2100 hours.

Captain Pierce,
you dance divinely.

- My parents made me
take divine lessons.
- Smart parents.

It broke my heart to leave them
back there on Krypton.

You couldn't get
any closer, could you?

Not unless I got behind you.

- Psst. Psst.
- What's that?

Either the camp has a flat,
or Radar has developed a slow leak.

- Uh, I've got to talk to you, sir.
- Not now, Radar.

Oh, I think you'll find
this very interesting, sir.

It better be. I was about to give
this girl the dip of a lifetime.

State your business
in one word or less.

Uh, well, you remember when
you were spreading your onions
on your hot dog?

I beg your pardon?

And I took down everything
you said about how much
compensation you wanted.

Mr. Kwang,
can I have a martini, please?

And a Shirley Temple,
extra dry.

- What's this?
- The three thousand dollars
you asked for.

I think I love you.

You are to send this back
in a plain brown jeep.
It doesn't make any sense.

Well, none of it
makes any sense.

You just send in
the right number of forms.

I can't keep money
that doesn't belong to me.

Listen, I got a friend down
at the 43rd made a mistake...

and ended up with
5,000 specimen cups.

He's going into
the ices business.

- Three thousand dollars?
- Uh, plus ten.

Three thousand
and ten dollars.

Mr. Kwang, I'd like to buy
South Korea a drink.

Mm, 50.

There's one short here.

## [Humming]

$831.75.

- Tidy little bundle
of wampum, eh, Radar?
- Oh, yes, sir.

Uh-huh.
Taxes, federal.

That's what I help pay
to keep our boys, which I'm one...

to maintain my wife's
way of life that's over there...

- which is why we're over here.
- Yes, sir.

Then you got your
unemployment insurance.

That's in case the war
I'm paying for ends and I lose my job.

- Yes, sir. Will that be all, sir?
- That'll be all, Radar.

[Sighs] Which leaves a grand total of
$43 for yours truly to play poker with.

- Uh, Corporal Klinger to see you, sir.
- At this time of night?

Send that dressmaker's
nightmare away.

Sir.

Sit down, Klinger.
What can I do for you?

Colonel, I got
a proposition to make.

Forget it. We'd regret it
the rest of our lives.

Cooler-offer?

Four hundred
and seventy-seven dollars.

- Three months' pay.
- I must say, that's admirable, Klinger.

And there's another 250
in a locker in Grand Central Station.

- That's terrific.
- Here's a quarter for the key.

- What?
- Let me out on a psycho,
and it's all yours.

- What is this?
- This is a bribe. Let me go home.

Klinger. You are lower
than a pregnant snail.

I can't stand it anymore.
There's a war out there, sir.

I'm aware of it, Klinger.
Don't you think I'm afraid?

My nerves don't
sit still a minute.

I swear, some archaeologist
a hundred years from now...

will dig me up
slumped over in the latrine.

Then run away with me, sir.
Together.

'Scuse, please. I got a date
with a royal flush.

But as a favor to you,
I'm not gonna mention the bribe.

Ah, come off of it, Colonel.

Bribery is as American
as toreador pants. Colonel!

- [Margaret] Who is it?
- It's your boop-boop-a-dooper.

Come in, Frank.

- Margaret, you're wearing that sweater.
- Mm-hmm.

I want to be buried
with that sweater, Margaret.

I know you think of me
as a clear-eyed, iron-willed major...

toughened by action,
brutalized by others' pain.

But there's another Frank Burns.
My other alter ego.

Is that the ego she dragged
to the altar, Frank?

I'm talking about
the sweetheart me.

The generous guy with a heart
of gold and the soft underbelly.

Close your crinkly
little eyes.

- What is it, Frank?
- Look.

Gorgeous.
Simply gorgeous.

Margaret, I could
rape your nape.

You're sweet.
Where did you get them?

Oh, down in Seoul last time.

You know that high-class jeweler's
in the lobby of the Chosun Hotel?

They must have cost
hundreds and hundreds of dollars.

Now, I want one kiss for each pearl
and something special for the clasp.

[Chuckling]

Oh, look how perfect they are.

I would have been happy
with an imitation...

and here you've gone ahead
and bought me the real thing.

Is there any special way
you can tell the difference?

Oh, certainly. You just
rub them against your teeth...

and if they feel rough,
they're the real thing.

Well, the peddler, that is,
the jeweler warned me...

that these come from your Oriental-type
oyster and are not always rough.

Whereas your common, ordinary,
man-in-the-street oyster...

But if they feel smooth,
it's the old "fakeroo."

Ohh.
[Chuckles]

I never thought I'd see the day
when I'd own a strand like these.

I'm just amazed you were
so extravagant for me.

Oh, well, you know.
[Chuckles]

All righty, boys.
Once around the horn.

I'm afraid my coffers
are empty.

I'd like to help, Father, but I lost
my diploma in the last hand.

- Yeah. No hard feelings, Father.
- Oh, heavens, no.

I think I'll just go
curl up with the Good Book.

- New deal.
- Greetings, officers sirs.

What do you got
this month, Kim?

- Pipe this rock, Captain.
- Whoo-eee!

That's a beauty.
I'll give you 50 smackers for it.

Are you kidding?
The reward's worth more than that.

- ##[Piano]
- So any, uh...

Uh, what's that
you're playing, Father?

Oh, just a little ragtime
I play now and then.

You know, for a priest,
you have no sense of rhythm.

It lightens the load.

I'll make you a deal.
Trade you loads. I'll unload first.

Good Lord!

Three thousand clams.
All yours.

You see what a lot
of praying can do?

Here. I almost forgot.
Ten more.

It's an incredibly
generous donation.

I'd agree, if I weren't
incredibly modest.

Take it, Father. Give it
to Sister Theresa's orphanage.

Buy a new gargoyle
for the Vatican.

There may be a sainthood
in this, Hawkeye.

Yes, I can see myself on dashboards
all over America.

Can you imagine the children's
faces when they hear the news?

Spare me, Father. It's makes me
go Spencer Tracy all over.

And now, my dear,
shall we repair to my tent?

- I didn't even know...
- [Together] it was broken.

- Good evening, Major.
- Well, hello, Frank.
Walk me to the shower?

You're gonna shower
with your pearls on?
Won't they get wet?

It's not terribly dry
inside an oyster, Frank.

Anyway, real pearls take on a luster
when worn next to the skin.

And these are
lustering already.

But, Margaret,
they're only on a thread.

Oh, I'll take them off
before I get in the shower.

Sorry I can't ask you in.

- Hey, soldier!
- I wasn't!

I'm looking for
your colonel, Major.

- I have no idea where
my colonel major is, Captain.
- Yes, sir.

- Leave your duck in the shower, Frank?
- Oh, scram-skee!

Pervert! Fork over 75 bucks,
or I'll tell the A.M.A.

You wouldn't!

You're bluffing.

How could you tell?

- I think I love this.
- Mmm, kissing?

You make a great
lower-lip sandwich.

- You like Chinese food?
- Mm-hmm.

- You like walking in the rain?
- Mm-hmm.

Mmm!

How about eating
Chinese food in the rain?

- Lend my 15, Frank.
That's my final offer.
- N-O spells "no."

We're not being quiet
too loudly for you, are we?

Hey, give me 50 bucks. I got
an inside straight. I hit it lucky.

You have all the luck
of the navigator of the Titanic.

What about all our knee-scraping,
commode-hugging good times?

What about the four-leaf clover
that gave you a rash?

What about all the times in O.R.?
The bowels we resected?

We've been together
through thick and thick.

Trapper, you have
a gift for losing.

You put money in a parking meter,
it comes up three lemons.

[Whinnying]

Frank's mating call.
Gross but effective.

Tee-hee.

You're right, Hawk.
I'd probably blow the hand.

Think I'll go back and fold.

As I remember,
I was checking you for polyps.

- Sir!
- Oh, listen...

A Captain Sloan
to see you, sir.

I'll see you at 6:00...
after the war.

- I'm Captain Sloan,
Supervising Acc-Fin.
- "Acc-Fin"?

- Accounting and Finance.
- Oh. I'm Hawkeye Pierce,
Aggravated Doc-Surge.

- I'd like to stay, but that
would keep me from going.
- Hold on!

You're this month's pay officer?

I also double as rodent officer,
rumor officer and termite officer
on Arbor Day.

Well, you're $3,000
deep in trouble, Captain.

- Did you really think
you could get away with it?
- What are you talking about?

Where are the funds you
thought you could swindle the
United States government out of?

As though anyone
might think they could.

How long have you had this delusion
that you're human?

Father Mulcahy's here, sir.

- Is someone in need of aid?
- Sit down, shorty!

We've got your boss.

Father, this is the kind gentleman
who gave us the money.

Bless your heart, sir.

I've driven the money
over to Sister Theresa.

The orphans now have milk
in their stomachs and warm
blankets on the floor.

- Well, I want it back.
- "Back"?

As in now.
As in all of it.

- Or you'll be preaching
in the stockade.
- Dear me.

Captain Sloan,
you're helping to ruin...

one of the worst days
of my life.

Every time I've tried to
register with a certain nurse...

someone's committed
captain interruptus.

And now you accuse me
of stealing.

But you're gonna really be in trouble
if you harm one hair on this man's halo.

Did you know that contributions
to the church can be written off
on your income tax?

You're coming with me, Pierce.
First we'll check out with your C.O.

Checkout time's
not till 11:00.

[Trapper]
Your 50 and 50 more.

- [Henry] Is that a hundred?
- How do I know?

I dropped out of school
to become a doctor.

- Colonel Blake?
- Disappear, Radar.

Come on, will ya?
It's 3:00 in the morning.

Uh, Colonel Blake,
Captain Sloan from H.Q.

- Likewise, I'm sure.
- Henry, I'm being arrested.

Here's my authorization
to take custody.

- We don't take that
kind of card, do we, Henry?
- [Zale] Up to you, Colonel.

Um, it's too rich for me.

- Henry...
- We'll get it straight
in a minute, Pierce.

- What are you gonna do, Henry?
- I just folded.

- I'll see your fold.
- Trapper...

Your captain was trying to abscond
with $3,000 not rightfully his.

If you'll just sign this,
we'll be on our way.

Four tens, you lose.
Forty miles, four tens.

Ha-ha! It's mine!
Mine! All mine!

I just love
a gracious winner.

Well, you finally won a hand.
I just wish I'd lived to see it.

And I owe it all to you, pal.
I started with your watch.

A little cunning, a little cuteness,
and now a fortune.

- You stole my watch?
- You want me to arrest him?

No extra trouble
as long as I'm here.

- We're square.
- Not quite.

- What are you doing?
- A receipt, please.

And promise me you'll go out
with other captains.

Hey, this is a once-in-a-lifetime shot.
What are you doing to me?

Look, Ravenal, the only reason
you won that pot is because
you stole my watch.

If I don't give that money
to Chuckles here...

he's gonna give me the honeymoon suite
at the Stockade Hilton.

- You're $8.00 over.
- I'll take that, for rent on the watch.

- Four dollars an hour.
- I only had it an hour.

- Oh, I'm sorry. I'll get it fixed.
- Who is this guy?

Boy, I wish I knew
what was going on.

- I'll tell you later, sir.
- You always say that, Radar,
but you never do.

- Are we here to play or talk?
- Anybody know how to play "Go Fish"?

How about "Hearts"?
"Old Maid"?

I'm gonna prove to you
you can't win at cards even for free.

Collecting sevens, huh?

And tens and jacks
and nines and threes.

And little lambs eat ivy.

What, are you rubbing those pearls
on your teeth, Frank?

The pearls are real.
Your teeth are fake.

Why don't you give up?
You can't win.

- Ha-ha! Gin!
- You lose.

- What?
- I had gin a long time ago.

Threes and nines and tens
and sevens and twelves and sixes.

You've got about 85 points.