M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 3, Episode 2 - Rainbow Bridge - full transcript
Hawkeye and Trapper are Tokyo-bound, Frank is jealous; but Trapper wants 3 days without amputating something. Father and Henry bring shopping lists but Radar brings news of more casualties. Thirty-six hours and 473 cases later (an all time record) Henry tells the officers about an unusual radio call Radar took from the Chinese. The Chinese have 9 shot-up GIs they are willing to free...but only if unarmed doctors, a corpsman and a driver travel 9 miles into Chinese territory in one vehicle to retrieve the GIs. All must be totally without weaponry. Margaret and Frank do not trust the offer, but Hawkeye believes it. He knows the Chinese realize the 4077 treats their wounded Chinese well and believes the Chinese are trying to give their GIs a break. Radar is to drive the bus with doctors, Hawkeye and Trapper, and a volunteer corpsman, Klinger. Smelling a commendation, Hotlips urges Frank to volunteer and arms him with all kinds of courage. So, five Americans meet a group of Chinese... but they are armed to the teeth with Russian weaponry. Is this an elaborate hoax or a fool's errand? Or is a group of men doing something decent in the middle of a giant indecency?
# Oh, Tokyo #
#They got some saki and sashimi
and some clean sheets #
# Oh, come on, oh #
# Come on, oh
Come on, oh #
#Yeah, Tokyo's the town
that I love the best #
# East, maybe east and west
Maybe west #
#Forget about the twain
It'll drive you insane #
#And teach you things
you never knew before #
##[Ends]
Just a high buff, please.
No polish.
- You have very strong hands, sir.
- Oh, thank you, Klinger.
My father gave them to me
for graduation.
He had to. Mom gave me
a pen and pencil set.
I sure wish I was going with you.
Tokyo's the greatest.
Yeah. In just a few short hours,
these hands will be...
hopelessly in love with some young lady
of the geisha persuasion.
- Mm, that runs into money.
- No, not really.
A full evening with a Japanese hostess
comes to only about $30.
Of course,
batteries are extra.
Very nice. You really do
a good job, Klinger.
Well, I'm not just
another pretty face.
[Trapper]
Mmm.
You're a rat for not taking me
to Tokyo with you.
I'm a married man, honey.
I only go out with girls
who don't know that.
Hmph.
They're off again.
Only one thing on their
pleasure-depraved minds:
- Debauchery, lust.
- What was that, Frank?
Fine ambassadors for
the medical profession.
First they'll check into
some sleazy little hotel...
probably shower,
freshen up.
Like people of that type do.
And then they'll go down to the bar...
a dark little pickup place,
and there'll be those girls...
with tight satin skirts perched up on
high bar stools with their legs crossed...
and these two lechers
will slither up to them and, you know.
What, Frank?
What do I know?
Hey, what are you going to miss
around here the least?
I think looking down and seeing a rat
using my shoelace for dental floss. You?
Be nice to go for three days
without amputating anything.
Ah. Three days without shaking hands
with somebody's gall bladder.
For your divine help
in granting us this sabbatical...
we give thanks, O Lord.
You rang?
I didn't know
he made house calls.
Well, Tokyo,
here you come, I see.
- We're off to see the wizard.
- And who's that?
How do we know?
We haven't met her yet.
I hate to interfere
with your rest and relaxation...
[Chuckles] but I do have a short
shopping list from some of the gang.
And of course the filthy lucre
to pay for same.
- What do we got here?
- Oh, the usual...
cameras, lenses,
watches.
A training bra?
- Can't be for anybody we know.
- Klinger.
Understandably,
there's some gaps in my education.
What exactly is
a training bra?
Just like an ordinary one,
only it has two little wheels in back.
Well, have a nice trip, boys.
Be good.
And if you can't be good,
be careful.
Aren't we lucky to have
such a nice Father?
It's for the trip.
Oh, I thought you were signaling
a left and a right turn.
I'll have to remember that.
Why don't you watch
where the hell...
Oh, I'm sorry, Father.
I thought you were a regular person.
Quite all right.
Are you guys going to be
at the Daichi Hotel?
I may have to call you in case things
start jumping back here at the ranch.
We're kind of off the Daichi, Henry.
Too near the railroad. Noisy.
They asked you
not to come back, right?
They said we were
too loud.
Some of the guests complained
they couldn't hear the railroad.
Either of you clowns know
Yamashida Street in Tokyo?
Yeah, sure.
It runs parallel to the Ginza.
That's right. There's a Japanese
restaurant right on the corner.
Hey, how about that? They've got
a Japanese restaurant in Tokyo.
And there's a book shop
next door.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. Now, they've got
this package for me.
Just give 'em this, 34 bucks,
and say you're Orville Carver.
[Chuckles]
Who's Orville Carver, Henry?
Well, they think I am.
But they've never seen me...
so they'll think
either one of you guys is.
What's... What's in
the package, Henry?
Japanese prints.
Old ones.
I mean, some things
never change.
If you get my drift.
Henry, you have all the subtlety
of a community bedpan.
- Just get the prints.
- Excuse me, sirs.
You got a shopping list,
Radar?
You want us to buy you a new pair
of glasses at the dime store?
How about another pair
of Dr. Dentons?
- I hear they came out
with a new power flap.
- Sign here, Colonel.
Radar, I spent the entire morning
signing my name.
Why didn't you have me sign this
while I was signing...
all those other things I was signing
my name to, which I didn't know...
- why I was signing them either.
- Signing.
Sir, this is new business. A whole
truckload of plasma just rolled in.
Ah, great!
Terrific.
Every time we get a truckload
of plasma, we get a truckload
of wounded to pump it into.
Let's go, Radar. We'll have a bunch
of shot-up kids showing up soon.
Won't need this.
Better suit up, guys.
Whatever you say,
Orville.
[Horn Honking]
[Honking]
[Trapper]
Come on. Close that.
Please remember
the sponge count, girls.
- You too, Mr. Kwang.
- Yes, Major.
I should be in Tokyo now
up to my pectorals in warm water...
surfacing only occasionally
to be fed raw fish...
by a pretty little
"Orienta."
- Give me the heavier silk.
- I'm sorry, Doctor. Here.
Boy, I'd sure love to send
my hips out for a walk.
Let's go, Nurse.
Don't make a big thing out of this.
- [Hawkeye]
Okay, wrap this one to go, Mr. Kwang.
- Yes, Doctor.
Hello, toots.
What are you doing after the war?
Don't be a wise guy,
sir.
Hiya.
This guy's got a simple laceration.
He can wait.
I'm closing a routine
flesh wound here.
- Henry, who's on triage?
- Hold it.
I've got a bowel
that's talking back to me here.
- Here.
- I didn't ask for this.
- I thought you would need it.
- Then I probably do.
- Frank volunteered.
- Figures.
Frank would volunteer
for a firing squad.
- Or to be in front of it.
- Or both.
Colonel, I protest this attack on
Major Burns' character in his absence.
Actually, we're attacking
his absence of character.
No kidding, Henry.
We got to start getting our casualties
in here in the right priority.
- No question.
- You can do this, Major.
- I'm not sterile.
- Congratulations.
[Frank] Okay, men. Hustle, hustle,
hustle. Let's move it. Let's move it.
And back here
on the double!
Father, this is a medical situation.
We're busy in here.
Oh, I'm just wetting
his lips, Major.
- Well, wet 'em somewhere else.
- Frank, what are you doing?
What do you mean? I'm doing my duty,
that's what I'm doing.
Oh, really? Got a good
ingrown toenail case?
Anybody with adenoids?
Diaper rash?
Get off this bus,
Captain.
The purpose of triage, Major, is to
select patients for immediate surgery.
Oh, you teaching me medicine now?
[Snorts] That's rich.
Why do you keep sending us cases
that can wait?
Now, listen, hotshot.
I'm a pretty fair doctor myself.
- Ask any of my patients.
- We can't dig people up just for that.
This man's got a chest wound.
He ought to be in O.R. Right now.
He happens to be
Chinese.
Then we'll operate
with chopsticks.
- Corpsman, get this guy inside.
- Now, don't you dare,
and that's an order.
I'm busy now, Frank.
I'll take your order later.
I remind you, Captain Pierce,
army standard triage procedure...
is as follows:
American wounded first, allies second,
enemy last... repeat, last.
Frank, that man is bleeding
more than anybody in here...
with the possible exception of your
nose if you don't get out of my way.
Let's go.
Get him inside.
What you're doing is mutiny.
I'm in command of this bus.
Mutiny on the Bus... It was a B-movie.
They couldn't afford a bounty.
Allen Jenkins
played the bus driver.
[Man Over P.A.]
Attention, all personnel.
Battle action has terminated.
No incoming wounded.
Colonel Blake commends the unit
and invites everyone to have a drink...
Dutch treat.
- Hawk, coffee's up.
- Fine. Pour it in my ear.
- Come on.
- Don't want any.
I'll take two lumps
with mine.
Ahh.
I got a casualty count
before we left O.R.
You want to know how many cases
we handled in the last 36 hours?
No, not really.
473. I think that's
an all-timer.
We did, um, 18 laporotomies,
21 busted femurs...
- 16 bowel resections...
- Captain, can we put a lid
on the shop talk, please?
You know, for once
I agree with him.
- I said that.
- I know.
Let me have some more of that sugar,
only this time no coffee.
- I've got to talk to y'all.
- Sorry, Henry.
We've thought it over,
and we're quitting.
Yeah, we got a better offer
from another war...
Saturdays and Sundays off,
and we don't have to do windows.
- Read this.
- Read this.
Read this.
Well, blow my nose.
Colonel, is this true?
Radar took the call. It came in
on the radio. It's from the Chinese.
The Chinese called us?
They're probably dying
for some American takeout food.
No, they've got nine shot-up G.I. S
on their side of the line...
and they need more attention
than the Chinese can handle.
So they're willing to have us come
and get 'em. Here are the conditions...
one vehicle, driver,
doctors, corpsmen only.
No guns, not even sidearms.
The pickup point is a place called...
Rainbow Bridge.
It's 50 miles
inside their territory.
- It's a trap!
- Absolutely. They're savages.
I say we should go.
When are you going to learn
about Chinese treachery?
Didn't Pearl Harbor
teach you anything?
It could be a trap, Trap.
Oh, yes.
Well, I'm afraid this is what you call
your command decision.
It's "lonely at the top"
time.
Strictly something
for your leader.
- Well, Henry?
- Oh, golly.
Whatever you people decide
is fine with me.
- Have a drink.
- [All Chattering]
Wait. Just a minute.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
We are all doctors,
with one notable exception.
We have no choice
but to go pick them up.
He's right.
The Chinese have no antibiotics...
no real surgical
setup.
Their way of treating
a simple fracture is by amputation.
Well, boo-hoo
for the Chinese.
They're pretty clever
when they want to be.
They invented gunpowder,
spaghetti, pigtails...
Little Feet for Women,
by Louisa May Alcott.
The major's point is that they're
trying to suck us into a situation...
- and set us up for a wipeout.
- Spaghetti?
A map
of Rainbow Bridge, sir.
- There it is in blue.
- Right next to Boardwalk
and Park Place.
This thing here that looks
like somebody's belly is China.
That can't be 20 miles
from their border.
Jumpin' butterballs.
Right in the middle
of the yellow horde's ball park.
- [Hawkeye] Frank?
- Hmm?
If you say "yellow horde" one more time
while the war is still in motion...
I'm gonna cut out your tongue
and use it for a pen wiper.
You still won't face
reality, will you?
Perfect ambush country.
Knock a few MASH doctors off...
and break down the morale of our brave
freckle-faced kids at the front.
Can I please
say something?
- Anything but "yellow horde."
- That's his.
I'm not unfamiliar
with the Chinese approach to war.
Her father fought in France
in World War I.
Ambush to one side, I think we must
consider the possibility of capture...
torture, brainwashing and,
yes, even rape.
- Rape a doctor?
- I'll hit him with my purse.
Radar, could I get
a cup of coffee, please?
Yes, Colonel.
Anybody else?
How about you,
ma'am, sir?
I don't know. Going up there without any
protection might just be asking for it.
We know the Chinese are more decent with
our wounded than the North Koreans.
- Yeah, they know we give
their wounded a break.
- I think it's a real offer.
Yeah, but if it's not,
if you guys get killed...
I'll never hear
the end of it.
Cream without sugar.
Sugar without cream.
And black without cream
and no sugar.
Henry?
Radar, I'll need
a driver and a corpsman.
- Volunteers, sir?
- Thank you, Radar.
I knew I could count on you.
[Frank] Colonel Blake,
I would like to go on record...
- We would.
- That's right. She and me. We.
You have made
a disastrous decision.
What do you want?
It's his first one. He'll get better.
Henry.
- [Radar] Uh, sir?
- Yo.
Uh, excuse me, but I think you
volunteered me a little quick there.
They're a pair of fools for going.
Grandstand play, that's what it is.
- Mock heroics.
- I've never seen anything "mocker."
Then again...
Can I be frank,
Frank?
I feel that if we absolutely have to,
we can be honest with each other.
Then I think you should consider
going along.
It could mean a citation,
maybe even a promotion.
But, uh,
what about the danger?
I've got to be honest...
I'm afraid of death.
Nobody's crazy
about it, Frank.
But sometimes
it's necessary.
There is another consideration:
I'm a married man.
No kidding?
I'd forgotten.
You haven't mentioned her
for three or four hours.
Talking about my wife is really hitting
me below the belt at a time like this.
Frank, there isn't a man in this war
who isn't afraid.
Including me.
But what you've got
to do is harness...
that great mass of
cowardly energy you have.
Margaret,
you're so good for me.
You just have to talk,
and it gets my gumption up.
You're just a big
grown-up boy, aren't you?
- Take a gun along, Frank.
- What?
- Just in case.
- But they said not to,
not even sidearms.
Who said, Frank? The Chinese?
Are we taking orders
from the Chinese now, Frank?
It was my mother's. Dad gave it
to her on their wedding night.
He must have loved her
very much.
"To my little shot
from her big shot.
"Your loving husband...
Lt. Colonel Alvin F. Houlihan,
regular army."
Keep it hidden, Frank.
Nobody has to know.
If I shouldn't
come back, l...
Kiss me, Frank.
You'd better put
the gun on safety.
Come on, George.
How we doin', Trap?
We got a ton of stuff.
We could stay on the road for weeks.
Suits me. I don't want to open
on Broadway until we're ready.
Just stay on this route, Radar,
and nothing will happen to you.
- Yes, sir.
- You're gonna be fine, Radar.
The Chinese are very fond
of miniatures.
Cut it out, sir!
I'm no scareder than you are!
Corporal Klinger,
volunteering for corpsman duty, sir.
- Really, Klinger?
- [Hawkeye] Terrific.
What the hell?
Maybe I can get out for bravery.
I'm sure not making it for "nuts-ery."
Come on.
I'll show you the map.
Hypocrites at 3:00,
over.
Colonel Blake.
Major Burns is here to volunteer...
for this extremely dangerous
and patriotic mission.
- Is that right, Frank?
- You heard me.
Welcome aboard, Frank.
We knew you'd want to be
where the action is, ya big monkey.
If I don't come back, honey,
be sure that our son Henry
gets a good education.
Oh...
Stop it!
As for me, I think Ralph Bellamy
said it best when he said...
"If I can't get the girl,
at least get me more money."
Time's wasting, guys.
- Good luck.
- I'm not going.
Hold it, boys!
Just want to wish you all the best.
- Right on the ball.
- Lord, bless this mission of mercy.
Protect these brave men...
and return them safely
with their charges, amen.
- Thanks, Father.
- He's really very good, isn't he?
- Tops.
- I feel guilty.
We tried to get Pat O'Brien.
- [Engine Starts]
- [Blowing Whistle] Roll 'em!
##[Acoustic Guitar]
# Oh, Tokyo #
#They got some sake and sashimi
and some clean sheets #
# Oh, come on, oh
Come on, oh #
# Come on, oh #
# Tokyo's the town
that I love the best #
#East, maybe east and west
maybe west #
#Forget about the twain
It'll drive you insane #
#And teach you things
you never knew before #
[No Audible Dialogue]
Okay, keep your eyes open.
We're getting close.
Okay, stop, stop.
[Brakes Screech]
I think our table
is ready.
Radar, you and Klinger
hang back.
Those are Russian
burp guns.
They fire
30 rounds a second.
- Thank you, Dr. Morale.
- It's a good thing I brought a piece.
- Piece of what, Frank?
- A gun, ya jerk.
I got it stuck
in my belt.
Frank, if they find that gun on you,
they're gonna play mah-jongg
with our teeth later.
Frank, are you out of
what's left of your mind?
Now, if they start anything,
I'll take out the officer...
- and you disarm the ones with the guns.
- [Nervous Chuckle]
Bite your Mao Tse-tung.
- Keep it out of sight.
- I'd like to see my wife again.
I'd like to see
anybody's wife again.
I'm Dr. Lin Tan,
Army of the People's Republic.
I'm-I'm Dr. Pierce.
- Uh, Dr. Burns.
- Dr. Maclntryre.
Uh, we're doctors too...
all three of us... we three. Hi.
Here's a list
of your wounded.
All require more medical attention
than we can provide.
- You speak very good English, Doctor.
- University of Illinois.
No kidding? Our commanding officer
went to Illinois.
There's no need for us
to get friendly here.
Uh, Henry Blake.
Uh, about 6'3"...
narrow shoulders, big hips,
sort of shaped like a pear.
We'd better do it.
If you have observed our conditions,
the procedure is as follows:
You will bring your vehicle
across bridge slowly.
- [Chinese]
- [Rifles Cock]
- Frank!
- Come on, let's have it.
- Have what?
Give it to them, Frank, before
they give us a.32-caliber enema.
What's the matter with you guys?
You gonna side with me or the R-E-D?
Frank, the R-E-D speaks
English better than Y-O-U do.
You have violated
the agreed conditions.
Your wounded will remain with us.
[Chinese]
- Doctor, hold it!
- Wait a minute!
Look, you're doing something decent
in the middle of a giant indecency.
Don't endanger nine men
just because some idiot...
wants to do his
General Custer impersonation.
Yeah, Doctor.
Don't blow it now.
Is it not enough that
your planes harass us day and night?
It makes it impossible
for me to treat my own people.
We make a civilized gesture, and you
respond by coming here with a gun...
ready to shoot us down.
All right, Frank.
Come on, give it up.
What the hell is that?
Comes in a box
of CrackerJacks.
It's also a whistle.
[Chinese]
Radar, Klinger,
come on!
[Hawkeye] Get up there
and get some, will you, Frank?
Okay.
- [Trapper] Frank, come on.
- Yeah, all right.
# Oh, Tokyo #
#They got some sake
and sashimi #
#And some clean sheets #
# Oh, come on, oh #
Boy, I don't mind
telling you now, boy...
I was really scared
on that bridge.
I hear if they take you prisoner,
they hit you in places
that are better left un-hit.
Oh, you guys were really great
with those casualties, though.
You know, I was thinking
I'd like to be a doctor
when I get back to the real world.
But I don't like being around
sick people that much,
so I guess that would be a drawback.
I'm, uh, packing
your pajamas.
Maybe I shouldn't
even bother, huh?
You guys are really something.
I don't know how you do it.
I mean, 16 hours of surgery...
36 hours before that.
A trip to the bridge and back,
and now you're going to Tokyo.
Well...
if you ask me, you guys
are like Supermen.
You're all set.
[Whispering]
Good night, Supermen.
#They got some saki and sashimi
and some clean sheets #
# Oh, come on, oh #
# Come on, oh
Come on, oh #
#Yeah, Tokyo's the town
that I love the best #
# East, maybe east and west
Maybe west #
#Forget about the twain
It'll drive you insane #
#And teach you things
you never knew before #
##[Ends]
Just a high buff, please.
No polish.
- You have very strong hands, sir.
- Oh, thank you, Klinger.
My father gave them to me
for graduation.
He had to. Mom gave me
a pen and pencil set.
I sure wish I was going with you.
Tokyo's the greatest.
Yeah. In just a few short hours,
these hands will be...
hopelessly in love with some young lady
of the geisha persuasion.
- Mm, that runs into money.
- No, not really.
A full evening with a Japanese hostess
comes to only about $30.
Of course,
batteries are extra.
Very nice. You really do
a good job, Klinger.
Well, I'm not just
another pretty face.
[Trapper]
Mmm.
You're a rat for not taking me
to Tokyo with you.
I'm a married man, honey.
I only go out with girls
who don't know that.
Hmph.
They're off again.
Only one thing on their
pleasure-depraved minds:
- Debauchery, lust.
- What was that, Frank?
Fine ambassadors for
the medical profession.
First they'll check into
some sleazy little hotel...
probably shower,
freshen up.
Like people of that type do.
And then they'll go down to the bar...
a dark little pickup place,
and there'll be those girls...
with tight satin skirts perched up on
high bar stools with their legs crossed...
and these two lechers
will slither up to them and, you know.
What, Frank?
What do I know?
Hey, what are you going to miss
around here the least?
I think looking down and seeing a rat
using my shoelace for dental floss. You?
Be nice to go for three days
without amputating anything.
Ah. Three days without shaking hands
with somebody's gall bladder.
For your divine help
in granting us this sabbatical...
we give thanks, O Lord.
You rang?
I didn't know
he made house calls.
Well, Tokyo,
here you come, I see.
- We're off to see the wizard.
- And who's that?
How do we know?
We haven't met her yet.
I hate to interfere
with your rest and relaxation...
[Chuckles] but I do have a short
shopping list from some of the gang.
And of course the filthy lucre
to pay for same.
- What do we got here?
- Oh, the usual...
cameras, lenses,
watches.
A training bra?
- Can't be for anybody we know.
- Klinger.
Understandably,
there's some gaps in my education.
What exactly is
a training bra?
Just like an ordinary one,
only it has two little wheels in back.
Well, have a nice trip, boys.
Be good.
And if you can't be good,
be careful.
Aren't we lucky to have
such a nice Father?
It's for the trip.
Oh, I thought you were signaling
a left and a right turn.
I'll have to remember that.
Why don't you watch
where the hell...
Oh, I'm sorry, Father.
I thought you were a regular person.
Quite all right.
Are you guys going to be
at the Daichi Hotel?
I may have to call you in case things
start jumping back here at the ranch.
We're kind of off the Daichi, Henry.
Too near the railroad. Noisy.
They asked you
not to come back, right?
They said we were
too loud.
Some of the guests complained
they couldn't hear the railroad.
Either of you clowns know
Yamashida Street in Tokyo?
Yeah, sure.
It runs parallel to the Ginza.
That's right. There's a Japanese
restaurant right on the corner.
Hey, how about that? They've got
a Japanese restaurant in Tokyo.
And there's a book shop
next door.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. Now, they've got
this package for me.
Just give 'em this, 34 bucks,
and say you're Orville Carver.
[Chuckles]
Who's Orville Carver, Henry?
Well, they think I am.
But they've never seen me...
so they'll think
either one of you guys is.
What's... What's in
the package, Henry?
Japanese prints.
Old ones.
I mean, some things
never change.
If you get my drift.
Henry, you have all the subtlety
of a community bedpan.
- Just get the prints.
- Excuse me, sirs.
You got a shopping list,
Radar?
You want us to buy you a new pair
of glasses at the dime store?
How about another pair
of Dr. Dentons?
- I hear they came out
with a new power flap.
- Sign here, Colonel.
Radar, I spent the entire morning
signing my name.
Why didn't you have me sign this
while I was signing...
all those other things I was signing
my name to, which I didn't know...
- why I was signing them either.
- Signing.
Sir, this is new business. A whole
truckload of plasma just rolled in.
Ah, great!
Terrific.
Every time we get a truckload
of plasma, we get a truckload
of wounded to pump it into.
Let's go, Radar. We'll have a bunch
of shot-up kids showing up soon.
Won't need this.
Better suit up, guys.
Whatever you say,
Orville.
[Horn Honking]
[Honking]
[Trapper]
Come on. Close that.
Please remember
the sponge count, girls.
- You too, Mr. Kwang.
- Yes, Major.
I should be in Tokyo now
up to my pectorals in warm water...
surfacing only occasionally
to be fed raw fish...
by a pretty little
"Orienta."
- Give me the heavier silk.
- I'm sorry, Doctor. Here.
Boy, I'd sure love to send
my hips out for a walk.
Let's go, Nurse.
Don't make a big thing out of this.
- [Hawkeye]
Okay, wrap this one to go, Mr. Kwang.
- Yes, Doctor.
Hello, toots.
What are you doing after the war?
Don't be a wise guy,
sir.
Hiya.
This guy's got a simple laceration.
He can wait.
I'm closing a routine
flesh wound here.
- Henry, who's on triage?
- Hold it.
I've got a bowel
that's talking back to me here.
- Here.
- I didn't ask for this.
- I thought you would need it.
- Then I probably do.
- Frank volunteered.
- Figures.
Frank would volunteer
for a firing squad.
- Or to be in front of it.
- Or both.
Colonel, I protest this attack on
Major Burns' character in his absence.
Actually, we're attacking
his absence of character.
No kidding, Henry.
We got to start getting our casualties
in here in the right priority.
- No question.
- You can do this, Major.
- I'm not sterile.
- Congratulations.
[Frank] Okay, men. Hustle, hustle,
hustle. Let's move it. Let's move it.
And back here
on the double!
Father, this is a medical situation.
We're busy in here.
Oh, I'm just wetting
his lips, Major.
- Well, wet 'em somewhere else.
- Frank, what are you doing?
What do you mean? I'm doing my duty,
that's what I'm doing.
Oh, really? Got a good
ingrown toenail case?
Anybody with adenoids?
Diaper rash?
Get off this bus,
Captain.
The purpose of triage, Major, is to
select patients for immediate surgery.
Oh, you teaching me medicine now?
[Snorts] That's rich.
Why do you keep sending us cases
that can wait?
Now, listen, hotshot.
I'm a pretty fair doctor myself.
- Ask any of my patients.
- We can't dig people up just for that.
This man's got a chest wound.
He ought to be in O.R. Right now.
He happens to be
Chinese.
Then we'll operate
with chopsticks.
- Corpsman, get this guy inside.
- Now, don't you dare,
and that's an order.
I'm busy now, Frank.
I'll take your order later.
I remind you, Captain Pierce,
army standard triage procedure...
is as follows:
American wounded first, allies second,
enemy last... repeat, last.
Frank, that man is bleeding
more than anybody in here...
with the possible exception of your
nose if you don't get out of my way.
Let's go.
Get him inside.
What you're doing is mutiny.
I'm in command of this bus.
Mutiny on the Bus... It was a B-movie.
They couldn't afford a bounty.
Allen Jenkins
played the bus driver.
[Man Over P.A.]
Attention, all personnel.
Battle action has terminated.
No incoming wounded.
Colonel Blake commends the unit
and invites everyone to have a drink...
Dutch treat.
- Hawk, coffee's up.
- Fine. Pour it in my ear.
- Come on.
- Don't want any.
I'll take two lumps
with mine.
Ahh.
I got a casualty count
before we left O.R.
You want to know how many cases
we handled in the last 36 hours?
No, not really.
473. I think that's
an all-timer.
We did, um, 18 laporotomies,
21 busted femurs...
- 16 bowel resections...
- Captain, can we put a lid
on the shop talk, please?
You know, for once
I agree with him.
- I said that.
- I know.
Let me have some more of that sugar,
only this time no coffee.
- I've got to talk to y'all.
- Sorry, Henry.
We've thought it over,
and we're quitting.
Yeah, we got a better offer
from another war...
Saturdays and Sundays off,
and we don't have to do windows.
- Read this.
- Read this.
Read this.
Well, blow my nose.
Colonel, is this true?
Radar took the call. It came in
on the radio. It's from the Chinese.
The Chinese called us?
They're probably dying
for some American takeout food.
No, they've got nine shot-up G.I. S
on their side of the line...
and they need more attention
than the Chinese can handle.
So they're willing to have us come
and get 'em. Here are the conditions...
one vehicle, driver,
doctors, corpsmen only.
No guns, not even sidearms.
The pickup point is a place called...
Rainbow Bridge.
It's 50 miles
inside their territory.
- It's a trap!
- Absolutely. They're savages.
I say we should go.
When are you going to learn
about Chinese treachery?
Didn't Pearl Harbor
teach you anything?
It could be a trap, Trap.
Oh, yes.
Well, I'm afraid this is what you call
your command decision.
It's "lonely at the top"
time.
Strictly something
for your leader.
- Well, Henry?
- Oh, golly.
Whatever you people decide
is fine with me.
- Have a drink.
- [All Chattering]
Wait. Just a minute.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
We are all doctors,
with one notable exception.
We have no choice
but to go pick them up.
He's right.
The Chinese have no antibiotics...
no real surgical
setup.
Their way of treating
a simple fracture is by amputation.
Well, boo-hoo
for the Chinese.
They're pretty clever
when they want to be.
They invented gunpowder,
spaghetti, pigtails...
Little Feet for Women,
by Louisa May Alcott.
The major's point is that they're
trying to suck us into a situation...
- and set us up for a wipeout.
- Spaghetti?
A map
of Rainbow Bridge, sir.
- There it is in blue.
- Right next to Boardwalk
and Park Place.
This thing here that looks
like somebody's belly is China.
That can't be 20 miles
from their border.
Jumpin' butterballs.
Right in the middle
of the yellow horde's ball park.
- [Hawkeye] Frank?
- Hmm?
If you say "yellow horde" one more time
while the war is still in motion...
I'm gonna cut out your tongue
and use it for a pen wiper.
You still won't face
reality, will you?
Perfect ambush country.
Knock a few MASH doctors off...
and break down the morale of our brave
freckle-faced kids at the front.
Can I please
say something?
- Anything but "yellow horde."
- That's his.
I'm not unfamiliar
with the Chinese approach to war.
Her father fought in France
in World War I.
Ambush to one side, I think we must
consider the possibility of capture...
torture, brainwashing and,
yes, even rape.
- Rape a doctor?
- I'll hit him with my purse.
Radar, could I get
a cup of coffee, please?
Yes, Colonel.
Anybody else?
How about you,
ma'am, sir?
I don't know. Going up there without any
protection might just be asking for it.
We know the Chinese are more decent with
our wounded than the North Koreans.
- Yeah, they know we give
their wounded a break.
- I think it's a real offer.
Yeah, but if it's not,
if you guys get killed...
I'll never hear
the end of it.
Cream without sugar.
Sugar without cream.
And black without cream
and no sugar.
Henry?
Radar, I'll need
a driver and a corpsman.
- Volunteers, sir?
- Thank you, Radar.
I knew I could count on you.
[Frank] Colonel Blake,
I would like to go on record...
- We would.
- That's right. She and me. We.
You have made
a disastrous decision.
What do you want?
It's his first one. He'll get better.
Henry.
- [Radar] Uh, sir?
- Yo.
Uh, excuse me, but I think you
volunteered me a little quick there.
They're a pair of fools for going.
Grandstand play, that's what it is.
- Mock heroics.
- I've never seen anything "mocker."
Then again...
Can I be frank,
Frank?
I feel that if we absolutely have to,
we can be honest with each other.
Then I think you should consider
going along.
It could mean a citation,
maybe even a promotion.
But, uh,
what about the danger?
I've got to be honest...
I'm afraid of death.
Nobody's crazy
about it, Frank.
But sometimes
it's necessary.
There is another consideration:
I'm a married man.
No kidding?
I'd forgotten.
You haven't mentioned her
for three or four hours.
Talking about my wife is really hitting
me below the belt at a time like this.
Frank, there isn't a man in this war
who isn't afraid.
Including me.
But what you've got
to do is harness...
that great mass of
cowardly energy you have.
Margaret,
you're so good for me.
You just have to talk,
and it gets my gumption up.
You're just a big
grown-up boy, aren't you?
- Take a gun along, Frank.
- What?
- Just in case.
- But they said not to,
not even sidearms.
Who said, Frank? The Chinese?
Are we taking orders
from the Chinese now, Frank?
It was my mother's. Dad gave it
to her on their wedding night.
He must have loved her
very much.
"To my little shot
from her big shot.
"Your loving husband...
Lt. Colonel Alvin F. Houlihan,
regular army."
Keep it hidden, Frank.
Nobody has to know.
If I shouldn't
come back, l...
Kiss me, Frank.
You'd better put
the gun on safety.
Come on, George.
How we doin', Trap?
We got a ton of stuff.
We could stay on the road for weeks.
Suits me. I don't want to open
on Broadway until we're ready.
Just stay on this route, Radar,
and nothing will happen to you.
- Yes, sir.
- You're gonna be fine, Radar.
The Chinese are very fond
of miniatures.
Cut it out, sir!
I'm no scareder than you are!
Corporal Klinger,
volunteering for corpsman duty, sir.
- Really, Klinger?
- [Hawkeye] Terrific.
What the hell?
Maybe I can get out for bravery.
I'm sure not making it for "nuts-ery."
Come on.
I'll show you the map.
Hypocrites at 3:00,
over.
Colonel Blake.
Major Burns is here to volunteer...
for this extremely dangerous
and patriotic mission.
- Is that right, Frank?
- You heard me.
Welcome aboard, Frank.
We knew you'd want to be
where the action is, ya big monkey.
If I don't come back, honey,
be sure that our son Henry
gets a good education.
Oh...
Stop it!
As for me, I think Ralph Bellamy
said it best when he said...
"If I can't get the girl,
at least get me more money."
Time's wasting, guys.
- Good luck.
- I'm not going.
Hold it, boys!
Just want to wish you all the best.
- Right on the ball.
- Lord, bless this mission of mercy.
Protect these brave men...
and return them safely
with their charges, amen.
- Thanks, Father.
- He's really very good, isn't he?
- Tops.
- I feel guilty.
We tried to get Pat O'Brien.
- [Engine Starts]
- [Blowing Whistle] Roll 'em!
##[Acoustic Guitar]
# Oh, Tokyo #
#They got some sake and sashimi
and some clean sheets #
# Oh, come on, oh
Come on, oh #
# Come on, oh #
# Tokyo's the town
that I love the best #
#East, maybe east and west
maybe west #
#Forget about the twain
It'll drive you insane #
#And teach you things
you never knew before #
[No Audible Dialogue]
Okay, keep your eyes open.
We're getting close.
Okay, stop, stop.
[Brakes Screech]
I think our table
is ready.
Radar, you and Klinger
hang back.
Those are Russian
burp guns.
They fire
30 rounds a second.
- Thank you, Dr. Morale.
- It's a good thing I brought a piece.
- Piece of what, Frank?
- A gun, ya jerk.
I got it stuck
in my belt.
Frank, if they find that gun on you,
they're gonna play mah-jongg
with our teeth later.
Frank, are you out of
what's left of your mind?
Now, if they start anything,
I'll take out the officer...
- and you disarm the ones with the guns.
- [Nervous Chuckle]
Bite your Mao Tse-tung.
- Keep it out of sight.
- I'd like to see my wife again.
I'd like to see
anybody's wife again.
I'm Dr. Lin Tan,
Army of the People's Republic.
I'm-I'm Dr. Pierce.
- Uh, Dr. Burns.
- Dr. Maclntryre.
Uh, we're doctors too...
all three of us... we three. Hi.
Here's a list
of your wounded.
All require more medical attention
than we can provide.
- You speak very good English, Doctor.
- University of Illinois.
No kidding? Our commanding officer
went to Illinois.
There's no need for us
to get friendly here.
Uh, Henry Blake.
Uh, about 6'3"...
narrow shoulders, big hips,
sort of shaped like a pear.
We'd better do it.
If you have observed our conditions,
the procedure is as follows:
You will bring your vehicle
across bridge slowly.
- [Chinese]
- [Rifles Cock]
- Frank!
- Come on, let's have it.
- Have what?
Give it to them, Frank, before
they give us a.32-caliber enema.
What's the matter with you guys?
You gonna side with me or the R-E-D?
Frank, the R-E-D speaks
English better than Y-O-U do.
You have violated
the agreed conditions.
Your wounded will remain with us.
[Chinese]
- Doctor, hold it!
- Wait a minute!
Look, you're doing something decent
in the middle of a giant indecency.
Don't endanger nine men
just because some idiot...
wants to do his
General Custer impersonation.
Yeah, Doctor.
Don't blow it now.
Is it not enough that
your planes harass us day and night?
It makes it impossible
for me to treat my own people.
We make a civilized gesture, and you
respond by coming here with a gun...
ready to shoot us down.
All right, Frank.
Come on, give it up.
What the hell is that?
Comes in a box
of CrackerJacks.
It's also a whistle.
[Chinese]
Radar, Klinger,
come on!
[Hawkeye] Get up there
and get some, will you, Frank?
Okay.
- [Trapper] Frank, come on.
- Yeah, all right.
# Oh, Tokyo #
#They got some sake
and sashimi #
#And some clean sheets #
# Oh, come on, oh #
Boy, I don't mind
telling you now, boy...
I was really scared
on that bridge.
I hear if they take you prisoner,
they hit you in places
that are better left un-hit.
Oh, you guys were really great
with those casualties, though.
You know, I was thinking
I'd like to be a doctor
when I get back to the real world.
But I don't like being around
sick people that much,
so I guess that would be a drawback.
I'm, uh, packing
your pajamas.
Maybe I shouldn't
even bother, huh?
You guys are really something.
I don't know how you do it.
I mean, 16 hours of surgery...
36 hours before that.
A trip to the bridge and back,
and now you're going to Tokyo.
Well...
if you ask me, you guys
are like Supermen.
You're all set.
[Whispering]
Good night, Supermen.