M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 3, Episode 1 - The General Flipped at Dawn - full transcript

- [Man On Loudspeaker]
Attention.
- Yeah?

All personnel taking part
in the model yacht race
report to the cesspool.

- If I weren't so beat, I'd go.
- I didn't know you were
interested in model boats.

I'm not, but the beach
at the cesspool is so lovely
this time of day.

We could hunt for shells.

- Or kidney stones.
- How's it coming?

Two more and my sister's
necklace is finished.

- Sirs?
- Radar, you're talking in our sleep.

Colonel Blake says he
wants to see youse both
on the double.

- It's important.
- Doesn't Henry know it's a holiday?

- Aaron Burr's birthday.
- Who's Aaron Burr?



[Trapper]
Aaron Burr, the guy that shot
John Wilkes Booth.

"From Major General Bartford
Hamilton Steele, U.S.A.

"Item one. All personnel
regardless of rank...

will fall out at 0600 hours
daily for one-half hour
of calisthenics."

- Calisthenics!
- Henry...

Calisthenics is a good idea.
We're all in bad condition.

I, for one, am very soft.

Is that true, Frank?

If you'll excuse me, uh,
I promised to bless a goat cart.

Some folks down the road
are going into business
for themselves.

- [Henry] "Item two."
- Sir.

I found the calisthenics manual.

- Thank you, Klinger.
- I like your blouse.

- Not too daring?
- A little hairy.



This General Steele seems like
a new guy trying to make points.

Another pound of chicken doo.

For your information, Captain,
the entire Steele family is
in the Encyclopedia Americana!

Oh, it's a very famous Maryland family.

Three brothers, all of'em
generals, West Point grads.

One of'em is a U.S. Senator,
and one was the first volunteer...

to be bitten by a mosquito
in the Panama Canal.

Bit him right on the locks.

Colonel, is it all right if I
go out and start the exercises?

I'm dying to get into a size nine.

Fine, Klinger, just go.

Oh. Thank you, sir.

At least there's
someone around here
with a little sanity.

- "Item two."
- Choppers, sir.

What choppers? Where choppers?

[Men Shouting]

- Mortars, Marty?
- Outside ofTaejon, Trap.

- He's gonna need a ton of blood.
- [Klinger] Yes, Doctor.

- What's gonna happen
to me, Doc?
- Let's go.

[Trapper]
You're gonna get a manicure,
a hair set and a rinse.

Okay. Come on. Watch it.

- Got him?
- Got him.

Lennox Hill Hospital,
71 st and 3rd, and step on it!

This kid was a mess.

Gimme some more 0-general silk.
Come on! Reverse the needle.

Well, you don't have to shout, Doctor.

This kid didn't fall off his bike!

I wanna get him off this table
and into the recovery room.

- Take it easy, Hawk.
- He must be 17 years old.

He ought to be in the soda shop,
reading dirty magazines.

- How's it going?
- Better. We got the bleeding stopped.

- [Hawkeye]
We're closing now.
- Good.

Man, more stuff s coming in
from headquarters.

New orders, regulations.
Read that first one, Radar.

Uh, yes, sir.

- "The winners of the model yacht
race at the cesspool are..."
- Not that, Radar.

Let him read it. I haven't seen
a sports page in months.

"First place went to
Private Norman Polonsky...

"with his yacht
The American Beauty Dream...

corncob construction
with toilet paper sails."

Ah, that Polonsky
has the sea in his blood.

- More 3-0 silk.
- Yes, Doctor.

"Second prize to Corporal
Timothy Mclnerny...

"for his clipper, The Evangeline...

carved from a pound cake
his mother sent him
six months ago."

I hope he doesn't invite us for dessert.

"The remainder of the
contestants didn't finish...

due to a sudden undertow
after breakfast."

Gimme that, Radar.
I'm tellin' ya, there are
gonna be some changes.

Listen to this from General Steele.

"As of this date,
uniform regulations
will be strictly enforced.

Individual variations
will not be tolerated."

Now, some of the stuff
you guys are wearing is out.

I mean, it's strictly G.I. From now on.

What's the matter with this guy Steele?

Major Houlihan and I
are never out of uniform.

You mean on purpose?

That's it.

Put a dressing on.

- Uh, sir, you're forgetting the biggie.
- What?

- The big one.
- Oh, yeah.

Hey, wait till you hear this, guys.

General Steele is gonna
headquarter here for a week.

- Why here?
- For the waters.

He's looking over the area,
checking every outfit in l-Corps.

We've gotta shape up.

- The boss is coming to dinner.
- I think I saw this show.

Haircuts, shoes shined,
uniforms cleaned and pressed...

Who's gonna press uniforms?

The motor pool.
They'll run over them a few times.

Hey, come on, troops.
We're on the spot here. We gotta
clean up the whole place.

What about the pigsty we live in?
My part is neat and tidy.

But the other two parties,
who shall be nameless, live like swine.

- Pierce.
- Mclntyre.

The Swine brothers.

- Oh, man, Radar, before I forget...
- Klinger.

- Klinger shouldn't wear dresses,
and no skirts. Yes, sir.
- No dresses.

- Thank you, Nurse.
- You're welcome.

- How's he doing?
- Stable, Doctor.

- Hmm?
- Stable, Doctor.

- All right. Keep the blood going.
- Yes, Doctor.

Hey, Doc? Am I gonna have a bad scar?

No, no, you'll have a beauty.
"Z," like Zorro.

Watch it! Don't laugh for three days.

- How do you feel about Biarritz in June?
- Sorry.

- Baden-Baden in July?
- Uh-uh.

- Monte Carlo in the fall?
- 'Fraid not.

- How about the mattress
supply room Thursday night?
- Okay.

I'll bring the saltines.

## [Humming]

Stay away from my medical
magazines, Frank.
I just got 'em.

"TheJoy of Nudity."
[Scoffs]

Naked people playing volleyball?
Do you participate in this
sort of thing?

- It's a tax shelter.
- You can deduct your sneakers
and deodorant.

- Disgusting!
- I certainly hope so.

- Hold it, Frank!
- Touch that still, I'll put
knots in your dental floss.

Just so it's understood
I have no part of it.

[Man On Loudspeaker]
Attention. Attention, please.

- General Steele is arriving
at 1000 hours.
- That's only a few minutes.

- Oh, dear!
- [Mocking] Oh, dear!

Attention, five minutes
to General Steele.

- Five minutes.
- ## [Whistling]

## [Whistling Continues]

Radar! Radar?

Oh. I got these new fatigues
and cap and everything...

from the supply sergeant.

Well, how do I look?

- Oh, you look very nice, sir.
- Thank you. Any tags or anything?

- Hold it.
- What is it?

"Do not remove this tag under
penalty of Federal Code 764-J."

Boy, you get me in trouble,
and I'm gonna have your keister.

- Yes, sir.
- [Siren Wails]

Oh, hell! The kitchen's on fire again.

Sir, it's not the kitchen.
It's General Steele!
He just pulled up.

Mention the tag, and I'll kill you.

- Am I perfect? I wanna be perfect.
- Wet your lips.

General, sir. Welcome to MASH 4077 th.

Lieutenant Colonel
Henry Blake commanding.

[Softly]
Perfect.

Uh, can I help you
with the door, General?

I read about these new snaps
in the, uh, snap bulletin I got there.

[Jeep Siren Blares]

[Siren Turns Off]

I'm sorry, General.

Sixty-two years old,
and fit to play halfback at the Point.

- Hike.
- Right.

Sergeant?
What kind of a formation
is this, Colonel?

- Just the gang, sir.
- [Softly] Call formation.

- Hmm?
- Have the company fall in.

Right. Company, fall in.

- [Whispers] Officers in front...
- Officers in front.

- Enlisted personnel in the rear.
- Shall we inspect the troops, Colonel?

Right, General.
Radar... Uh, after you, General.

At all times.

- Something, General?
- I'm a bit surprised.

Sir, the tag just fell off. Honest.

- Bear left and a pace behind!
- Yes, sir.

My second-in-command, Major Frank Burns.

Trim the hair in your nose!
Got that, Sergeant Donovan?

- Yes, sir.
- You gave him an "N," General?

Nostril. I'll know what it means.

Our head nurse,
Major Margaret Houlihan, sir.

Gut in, chest out!

Blackjack Pershing, 1915.

- Oh, sir, would you like the
sergeant to write that down?
- It isn't noteworthy.

Uh, don't write that down.
He knows what it means.

This is our chaplain,
Lieutenant Father Mulcahy.

There are no atheists in foxholes!

I've heard that.

I'd like to see a shine
on that cross, Father.

This is my company clerk,
Corporal O'Reilly.

The Irish were rotten
Indian fighters. Noncoms.

- The backbone of the service.
Where are you from, son?
- Iowa, sir.

No talking in ranks!

- [Softly] Sir!
- Not now, Radar.

- Sir!
- What is it?

Straight ahead at 12:00!

Oh, no.

[Softly]
Not now, Marjorie.
I'm inspecting the troops.

- You needed me for something?
- Yes, Doctor.

Well, I got drafted as soon as I could.

There's been a slight elevation
in his temperature.

- Any other problems?
- He's complaining of abdominal pains.

Mm-hmm.

- Hiya, Doc.
- You're supposed to be
sick at attention.

- [Chuckles]
- Ahh, I told you not to laugh
for three days.

- How do you feel?
- So-so.

Stick around.

He could be developing an abscess.

Start him on penicillin.
600,000 units, l-M Q-6-H.

Right. Did you get the saltines?

I could only get Ry-Krisp,
but I'm salting them down.

- You're very thorough.
- I think you'll find I'm
pretty much all business.

- ## [Strumming]
- You got a date tonight?

- You have a fantastic grasp
of the obvious.
- Love your uniform.

Surplus, from Montezuma's army.

You better not bump into Henry
and that general.

I intend only to
bump into Nurse Baker.
Repeatedly, if possible.

You think I made myself too handsome?

I wanna give her a fighting chance.

Hi. Got you some cheese.

- Oh! Thank you, Radar.
- Yeah.

When I die, I'm willing you my height.

I'm gonna give you this.
Guess what's in this box.

- Give.
- Something you wanted for tonight.

A dehydrated date. You add water
and there's a girl inside.

- Saltines.
- Radar, you're an exceptional
human being.

I snitched those off the cook
while he was personally
serving General Steele.

Hey, the word's out that
general's a little bit "el wacko."

He made me polish
the bottom of his boots
and put starch in his socks.

Any questions?

- [Laughing]
- You ready? Got the car ready, Kato?

My hat's off to you, Colonel.
How do you manage pork roast
on C rations?

Oh, just lucky, General.
One of our trucks hit a pig.

Beautifully prepared,
an apple in its mouth and all.

We don't get any apples, sir.
Uh, that was a baseball painted red.

- What have we here?
- Oh, that's an old tongue
depressor, General, sir.

It's military equipment.
You wouldn't carelessly throw
away a used rifle, would you?

- Oh, I don't know, sir. We...
- This can be cleaned up and used again.

- Waste, waste!
- Well, now, you see, General,
that's full of germs.

I don't even know
if you can sterilize wood.

Let me put it to you this way.
Have you ever seen a bird...

get blood poisoning
from a white picket fence?

Well, I know so little
about birds, sir. My mother's
canary had bronchitis.

It was waste defeated Hannibal
at the Battle of Zama.

He was a darky, you know.

- What's that over there, Colonel?
- Officers' quarters, sir.

- And there?
- That's our four-place latrine, sir.

Good thinking. The men
can encourage each other.

- Camaraderie.
- Precisely.

- What's that building, Colonel?
- Storage supply, sir.

- I'd like to see that.
- Yes, sir.

Canary had bronchitis, eh?

He didn't die of it, though.
He fell off his little swing
and smashed his bill.

Good. I hate birds.

Mmm, Hawkeye, what are we doing?

I was hoping you'd know.

Things are happening too fast.

- You wanna stop and have
another saltine?
- Hawkeye?

- Yeah?
- Tell me the truth.

Do you respect me?

Do I respect the flag?
Apple pie? Hamburgers?

The loyalty of a fine dog?

That's all I wanted to know.

This is our supply room,
General. Aw, Pierce!

And after that, Lieutenant,
uh, stack the walls
and whitewash the mattresses.

Yes, sir.

I don't understand this.
A civilian giving orders
to military personnel?

Uh, well, uh, General Steele, sir, uh...

to tell you the truth,
sir, uh, this civilian is, uh...

B.F. Pierce, sir. United Press.

- United Press?
- Right.

Ah, a member of the Fourth Estate.

General Bartford Hamilton Steele.

That's three E's, not all in a row.

For the record, you can say
that I predict an early end
to the war...

if it doesn't rain and we get all wet.

Make a good story for you.
See me later.

I've got some 8x10 glossies
in my portfolio.

One picture's worth
a thousand words, General.

The dying utterance of General Custer.

- You going Stateside soon, Mr. Pierce?
- I certainly hope so, General.

- Uh, we all do, sir.
- When you get home,
would you call my wife?

- Certainly, General.
- Tell her I'm sending
a Jeep for her birthday.

It'll be in a large crate
marked "kitchen utensils."

Don't mention that in your article.

Scout's honor.

You might also tell Mrs. Steele
the dried prunes
are working out fine.

Best thing since the Gatling gun.

As a matter of fact,
just talking about it...

Uh, excuse me, where's
the little generals' room?

Oh, that's just outside, sir.

There you go.
First door on the left, sir.

No, no. That's the wrong...
You're going into the...

Ah, fine, sir. Whatever.

Damn it, Pierce!
You didn't come to formation...

you didn't come to dinner
and then we come in here and find
you horsing around with a girl!

Henry, that general is
gooney bird. He's psycho.

Yeah, I know. How do you figure that?

- I mean, he comes from a fine family.
- Well, so did the Borgias.

Henry, it's got germs on it.

I mean, you're in civvies, United Press.

What am I gonna do?

Have a saltine.

Nine.

Gimme a break. I'm starvin'.

- [Laughs] Ten.
- And this is our little
officers' club, General Steele.

Although we allow anyone in,
except the enemy, of course.

- [Laughs]
- Hi, Henry.

Uh, General, this is
Captain Mclntyre, one of our
really fine surgeons.

- Surgeon. Doctor, eh?
- Not yet.

My brother contacted
yellow fever during
the digging of the Panama Canal.

- You should've called me sooner, sir.
- Good pretzels.

Thank you. Uh, sir,
this is Warrant Officer
Martin Williams...

one of the best chopper
pilots in the theater.

- General.
- Williams.

- Well, General, care for a little drink?
- War and whiskey don't mix.

General Grant kept
throwin' up on his bugler.
Chopper pilot, eh?

- Yes, General.
- How far is it to the front, Williams?

- Twenty minutes, General.
- And what is your
fuel consumption?

Twenty gallons an hour, General.

Waste, waste, waste! We're
gonna have to move your unit
closer to the front, Colonel.

Where the guys are fighting, sir?

"You do your best business
on Main Street."
General Cornwallis.

It's not all that pleasant being
on the 50-yard line, General.

- It's very dangerous, sir.
- Danger is our business.

Get your second-in-command,
and we'll find a new location.

MASH means Mobile Army
Surgical Hospital,
and mobile you shall be!

Sir. Sir, that'll mean
tearing down the tents,
the buildings.

We'll have to pack everything up.

I mean, we've been here a long time.
We fixed it up so nice.

I mean, gee whiz, just last week
the nurses planted radishes.

"A radish will never stand
in the way of victory."

Marshal Foch.

Moving the hospital
closer to combat?
Now I know he's crazy.

He's a fruitcake.
He's got raisins for eyes.

History shows that most
great military minds
border on the eccentric.

- You gotta jump me.
- I don't want to.

- [Groans]
- Life in the big city.

That general is nuts!
I've seen that look
in every Hitchcock movie.

Can you still see the hair in my nose?

Uh-huh, but it's parted
on the wrong side.

I never realized I had
so much hair up there.

I did. I just thought
it was an ingrown mustache.

[Jeep Siren Wails]

Come on, Frank.
The general wants to go look
for the new hospital site.

- Henry, you're not really
gonna let this guy move us?
- He'll get us killed!

Well, what am I supposed to do?
He's a two-star general.

But he's a three-star loony.

He is nuts, isn't he?

Is Bismarck a herring?

- Henry.
- Yeah?

What if you just disobeyed him?

I can't disobey an order.
I mean, unless somebody
gives me an order to do it.

- Terrific.
- [Jeep Siren Wails]

- Come on, let's not keep
dingdong waiting.
- Geronimo!

Well, you can see for
yourselves, gentlemen.

This is a much more desirable
location. Good water supply.

Flat ground, easier logistics.

This is it.
We move tomorrow.
That's an order.

- Whatever you say, General.
- Aren't we forgetting
something, Colonel?

- General?
- You accepted an order.
That requires a salute.

Uh, saluting isn't advisable
around here, sir.

No, sir. There are snipers.
And they could see that you're
the higher ranking officer.

Pish tosh! Let me have it.

[Gunshots Ricocheting]

- [Gunshot]
- Well, we can stand and fight...

or we can have lunch.

- Lunch!
- Lunch!

Yeah, I'm a little hungry myself.

[Gunshots Continue]

# I love a parade #

#The beat of the drums
Dah, dah, dah, dum #

# I love... ##

They can do more for you down in Seoul.

I'll send you my bill later. Don't laugh.

- Land soft, Marty.
- Gotcha.

[Jeep Siren Wailing]

- Hold that chopper!
- I got an emergency. That
patient's going to Seoul.

I need that chopper!
I wish to use it
to observe the move!

Sorry, General. Go!

- You bring that chopper back down here!
- Too late, General.

- You're insubordinate! You're insolent!
- Right! Right!

And you're nuts!

All right. This preliminary
hearing is now in order.

- General?
- Thank you, Colonel Atkins.

I'll make this as brief
as possible so we can get on
with movin'this unit.

- Charges.
- "Re: Captain Benjamin..."

Get on with the charges!

Charges. "Insubordination.
Disobedience of orders.

- Impersonating a civilian."
- Thought I forgot about you in
the storage room, didn't you?

It was a night I'll never forget.

I'd like to interrogate
the first witness, Colonel.

- By your leave, General.
- "Warrant Officer Martin H. Williams."

- Yes, General.
- I want you to know there are
no charges against you.

You simply obeyed the orders
of a superior. The sign
of a good soldier.

Now, feel at ease.
Just tell in your own words...

the incident at the helicopter
pad yesterday at 0900 hours.

But first, a number.

Sir?

You know, a musical number.

Well, you've got it in your
blood, boy. Just let it out.

#When the sun goes down
the tide goes out #

#The darkies stand around
and they all begin to shout #

# Hey, hey, Uncle Fud
It's a treat to beat your feet
on the Mississippi mud #

#Hey, hey, Uncle Fud
It's a treat to beat your feet
on the Mississippi mud #

#It's a treat to beat your feet
on the Mississippi mud #

#What a dance they all do #

# Lordy, they all dance for you #

##[Continues]

- I take it we don't have to leave?
- Only the general does.

In a rubber truck.

- ## [Strumming]
- Hey, Trap. Look at this one
playin' basketball.

Not a bad hook shot for a girl.

Hey, did you guys read
Stars and Stripes today?

What, Henry?

"General Bartford Hamilton
Steele has been promoted
to three-star general...

"for meritorious service in Korea.

"His new assignment is the Pentagon...

where he will be in charge
of operations for the entire
Asian theater."

Hmph! And you all thought he was crazy.

Crazy? A three-star general? Hit it!

#When the sun goes down
and the tide goes out #

#They all gather round
and they all begin to shout #

[Together] # Hey, hey, on my way #

#What a dance they may do #

# Lordy, how... ##