M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 2, Episode 8 - The Trial of Henry Blake - full transcript
Henry is in trouble; Frank and Hotlips have made serious charges against him: Radar sold shoes for the Style Rite Shoe company; Klinger tried to para-escape the Army on a red parasail wearing fuzzy pink slippers. Henry was the announcer for the Derby Day races where a guy, a girl and a gurney ran for the roses. These charges are bad enough to cause General Mitchell to place Henry under regimental arrest. Radar is sent back to the 4077 to gather evidence to answer the worst charge, giving aid or comfort to the enemy. The power-mad Majors arrest Hawkeye and Trapper and post guards so they cannot escape to help their C.O. Who will save Henry?
["Happy Days Are Here Again"
Playing Over P.A.]
We're late.
Use the officers'.
Thirteen, fifteen.
Let's go.
- Relax. You don't have a chance.
- I'll beat your brains out.
Ahh!
- Hey, Henry. Where you going?
- Yo.
Down to Regimental
Headquarters.
- Bring back some fresh nurses.
- Make sure they're lean.
- Be good, now.
- So long, sirs.
Don't forget to tip the driver.
Aah!
- Are those gurney tables?
- Right.
And those are surgical masks.
You're playing Ping-Pong!
I told you it was Ping-Pong.
- Absolutely right, Frank. Dismissed.
- Dismissed?
Listen, with Blake gone,
I'm in command of this outfit.
Oh, in that case,
dismissed, sir.
We'll see how funny you
good-time Charlies are...
when Frank Burns is number one
around here, permanently.
Just what is that
supposed to mean?
That's for me to know
and for you to find out.
Frank, you're begging
for a deviated septum.
You'll find out.
[Man's Voice] This hearing
is to determine your fitness to command.
A serious charge has
been filed against you...
by Majors Burns
and Houlihan.
We'll begin with the lesser charges
against Lieutenant Colonel Blake,
Major Murphy.
- [Murphy] Yes, General. Colonel Blake?
- Yes, sir?
- I'm sorry, sir. Excuse me.
- My fault.
It was my fault.
I should have been more careful.
Can we get on with this?
Colonel Blake, it is alleged
that on or about Kentucky Derby Day,
there were gurney races held at
your unit and that betting took place.
- Is this true?
- Exactly what is a gurney?
Um, well, General,
it's a rolling table...
that we use
to transport patients...
to and from the various places that we
have to take them to and from from.
- "To and from from"?
- Yes, sir.
[Radar] Okay, Gal O' War!
Gal O' War! Gal O' War!
[Radar] Okay, Gal O' War!
Gal O' War! Gal O' War!
Make your bets and put on a good race.
Last chance.
Place your best, folks.
Don't miss your chance.
Well, I see y'all have got the second
post position again, Culpepper.
Sir, this position has been handed
down from Culpepper to Culpepper.
That's a fine-lookin' filly
you have there, sir.
She also has been handed down
from Culpepper to Culpepper.
Y'all, uh, this
is your colonel.
Only one minute to post time.
All right. Come on.
This is your last chance
before the big race to make your bets.
Come on, soldier. Hey, Klinger,
wanna make a bet on the race?
I'm busy. Radar,
I'm finally getting out.
Wait'll you see what I'm making
out of this red satin.
- I like you in anything.
- [Bugle: "Call To Post"]
All right. Come on.
Make your bets.
All right, folks, the gurneys are ready.
They're at the post.
[Man]
Let's go!
[Gunshot]
[Henry]
And there they go!
As we round
the clubhouse turn,
it's Hawk's Pride, with Gal O' War,
Girl Away and Bouncing Betty!
And in the lead,
it's Hawk's Pride,
and Gal O' War, Girl Away
and Bouncing Betty.
- Decadent.
- Gurney races.
- With girls on top of them.
- Pushing them around.
Doctors pushing nurses.
- Frank.
- Me too.
Where can we go?
Out back of the lard cans.
And Bouncing Betty...
Bouncing Betty is starting
to make a move on the outside.
Girl Away. It's Hawk's Pride
and Gal O' War.
Gal O' War
And a real battle for third...
between Girl Away
and Bouncing Betty.
Bouncing Betty
starting to drop behind.
Hawk's Pride widening the lead,
with Gal O' War, Girl Away.
Bouncing Betty
starts to make her move.
Hawk's Pride's
coming up fast on the inside.
Gal O' War is taking the outside.
And it's Girl Away.
Bouncing Betty is
really bouncing along,
with Girl Away, Gal O' War,
and Hawk's Pride in the lead.
Hawk's Pride is coming, and it's
neck and neck between Hawk's Pride...
And the winner is Gal O' War
by a... by a... by, uh...
The winner is Gal O' War.
[Woman Screaming]
So you not only condoned the activity,
you participated in it.
Well, uh, we work hard, Major.
We need some relaxation.
Even if it violates
every rule in the book.
General, just prior
to our Kentucky Derby Day,
our operating room,
we handled over, uh... uh...
I've got the casualty
figures here somewhere, sir.
- Uh, Radar, do you...
- Yes, sir.
I'm sorry.
It's my fault again.
Proceed, Major!
Charge two states one
of your enlisted men...
engaged in the, uh, business
of selling Hi-Style wing-tip shoes...
from the Style Right Shoe Company
of Storm Lake, Iowa.
- The Style Right what?
- Shoe Company. Style Right Shoe Company.
I read it on the back
of a matchbook.
It said that you could earn extra money
in your spare time...
selling Hi-Style
wing-tip shoes.
How did this work?
Well, you just filled in
your name and address and stuff,
and they sent you a demo shoe, a
measuring thing and, uh, an order blank.
But you're a corporal
in the United States Army.
Well, that's not
my fault, sir.
- Hey, Klinger, wait up!
- I'm busy.
Good morning, sir.
My name is Radar O'Reilly.
I represent the Style Right Shoe Company
of Storm Lake, Iowa.
Could I interest you in a pair of really
nifty black-and-white wing-tip shoes...
for only 8.95?
No, but I could use a pair
of black-and-white pumps...
with a rhinestone buckle
at any price.
[Knocking]
Anybody home?
No.
Good morning, sir.
My name is Radar O'Reilly.
I represent the Style Right Shoe Company
of Storm Lake, Iowa.
Please come in,
Mr. O'Reilly.
Thank you.
I would like to interest you in a pair
of our Hi-Style wing-tip shoes...
for only 8.95.
- Do I sit down?
- Well, I think you almost have to.
Oh. Uh, nice place
you have here.
Well, it's cruddy,
but it's home.
Have you been doing this long?
No, actually, uh,
this is my first day.
Oh, I think you'll do well. You found
my foot without any trouble at all.
Oh, and if I may say so, sir,
it is a very handsome foot.
Thanks. I like it.
Uh, well, as you can see,
this is an all-leather shoe,
with a built-in arch support...
to give you hours
of comfort and good looks.
- I can see that, yes.
- Well, sir,
as our company slogan says...
Oh, yeah. "If your shoes
aren't becoming to you,
then you should be coming to us."
Actually, Mr. O'Reilly, I already
have a pair of black-and-white shoes.
Excuse me, sir, but you don't have
Style Right black-and-white shoes.
Uh, that's true, yeah. But l... l...
I really don't... I can't afford to...
You can't afford not to give your feet
the best home they ever had.
Yeah.
Right. Well, no, I'd...
I'm sorry.
I really... I'm not...
But I'm just... I'm...
Yeah. Uh-huh.
[Murphy's Voice] Did you participate
in this business venture, Colonel Blake?
Of course not.
I can't wear wing-tip shoes.
I have an extremely high arch.
- They've got arch supports.
- Well, they weren't high enough.
I have to have extra-high supports.
They could have put those in.
You just didn't wanna spend
the extra dollar ninety-five.
- That's not true.
- It is too.
- Gentlemen!
Gentlemen!
Charge three states you have
a noncom who is a transvestite.
Well, I don't pry
into a man's religion, sir.
A transvestite
wears dresses, Colonel.
- Oh, Klinger.
- Yes.
Well, you see, Klinger is not your
typical recruiting poster type.
It might be of some comfort
to you to know...
that he spends most of his time
trying to get out of the army.
I must say
he's very inventive about it.
For, uh, several weeks, Klinger
was keeping pretty much to himself.
Uh, he seemed,
uh, preoccupied...
and didn't spend much time
around camp during his off hours.
- Did you see that?
- What?
- A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
- Oh, really?
- Hey, Hawk, did you see that?
- What did you see?
A big red bird
with fuzzy pink feet.
- See?
- Where were we?
[Murphy] So you confirm
he was found two miles from the camp?
Yes, sir. Laying there
in an unconscious condition,
looking like a big red bird
with fuzzy pink feet.
Colonel, what did you think
about Klinger's attempt
to desert the United States Army?
Well, frankly, sir, I think, uh,
he might have made it...
if he'd have had
a better tailwind.
As you were.
This hearing will resume
at 0900 hours tomorrow.
Colonel Blake,
you're under arrest.
You will remain confined to regimental
quarters until this hearing resumes.
Corporal O'Reilly,
you'll return to your unit.
Blake, I suggest that you have O'Reilly
bring back whatever documents...
you're going to need to defend yourself
against the most serious
of these charges...
falsifying records and lending
aid and comfort to the enemy.
Oh, boy.
Ah, nice. Keep a nice,
even spread there, soldier.
I don't want to see
any brush strokes.
- Frank? It's against
air raid regulations.
- Hmm?
If they're white,
they can be seen by enemy planes.
Uh,
just paint the top half
and, uh, turn them over every night.
Hey, it's Radar.
When did you get back?
About a half a chicken ago.
Where's Henry?
Will you stop
that vacuum effect and answer?
Colonel Blake is still at regimental
headquarters. He's under arrest.
- Henry?
- For what?
A whole lot of little stuff,
but one really terrible one.
Giving aid and comfort
to the enemy.
Henry wouldn't do
a thing like that.
His draft board did it when they sent
him here. What are you talking about?
- Those are the charges.
- Well, who made them?
- Major Burns...
- And Houlihan.
- And Houlihan.
Please, not while
you're eating.
Based on what?
I think it's about
that Nurse Cratty business.
How did they find out?
All I know is I got to show 'em
the file on her tomorrow morning.
- Uh, what do you say we
show them Nurse Cratty too?
- In person.
We'll take care of that.
You get the files.
Oh, hey, thanks, guys. I can't tell you
how upset this makes me.
Eat something.
You've got exciting hands.
I am a nurse, silly.
Oh! Right there.
Right there. Mmm!
I've always said it.
Behind every great man
there's a woman with a vibrator.
What do you want?
I think your salute
is idling too fast.
Just what business do you men have
with your commanding officer?
We want you to know, Commanding Officer,
we're both aware of your finkery.
- Finkery?
- That's right. You finked on Henry.
You were the fink
and he was the finkee.
Henry Blake
is unfit to command.
- We love him.
- Hard cheese.
This outfit is finally going
to have a real man in charge.
- Good luck, fella.
- You deserve it, guy.
Leave this tent immediately.
- We're going all right.
- Down to Regimental.
- Yeah, with Nurse Cratty.
- To rescue our colonel.
To save his brass.
- [Frank] As you were.
- How were we?
You're both under arrest.
Oh.
This is a clear violation
of the Geneva Convention:
"No officer shall be
confined in his underwear...
unless issued an athletic supporter
with suitable insignia."
I don't mind that so much
'cause I got good legs.
But to take away our still.
How long does he think we can last
on just food and water?
He's a doctor.
That's what kills me.
His patients
have the same problem.
Look.
You're a captain.
I'm a captain.
That makes two captains
against one major.
Now, if you were playing poker, and you
had a pair of captains in the hole,
- you'd bet your brains out.
- The trouble is, he's not one of a kind.
- That's right. Hot Lips is a major too.
- That's a bigger pair.
- Meanwhile, back at headquarters...
- Our fearless leader.
- What do we do?
- I can't think here. There's no booze,
the place has been cleaned
to within an inch of its life...
and your knees are driving me wild.
Don't get smart with me, soldier.
I'm cheap, but I'm not easy.
- Supper, sir.
- Here you go. Where do you wanna eat?
Put it by the TV.
- I like your outfit.
- Thank you.
A lot of guys can't
wear stuff like that.
Major Burns ordered me
to get rid of all my dresses.
That's a shame.
Listen, if you guys
need something to wear...
Corporal.
For nasal drip.
- I haven't got a nasal drip.
- Take it or I'll give you one.
Oh, yes, sir.
Yes, I'll have
this filled right away.
[Sniffling]
[Man Over P.A.]
Attention, all personnel.
By order of Major Frank Burns,
lights out in ten minutes sharp.
Anyone not in their
own beds at that time...
will have to spend the night
wherever they are.
The following people have volunteered
to go on a ten-mile hike.
Hiya, Roy. How you doing?
How about a beer?
Attaboy, Roy.
I did just like you told me.
I put the whole thing in his beer.
- Great.
- Take two bras out of petty cash.
[General] We'll now address
ourselves to the most serious charge...
made against you, Colonel.
Major.
It alleges that you falsified
requisition records...
to obtain more plasma, penicillin...
and other vital medical material
than your unit required.
Further, these were
delivered to your unit...
but were not given to the officer
in charge of supplies,
- Major Houlihan, according to him.
- Her.
- Sir?
- Him's a her. She's a she.
- Who's a she?
- He is.
- Houlihan?
- That's her.
- Proceed, Major.
It is further alleged,
uh, these materials were used...
to give aid to North Koreans.
Now, you gave or sold said
medical supplies to one Meg Cratty,
an American nurse who has lived
in Korea for the past 17 years...
and operates a clinic in an area some
three miles north of the 38th Parallel.
Many of her patients
are North Koreans.
- We're fighting
the North Koreans, Colonel.
- I'm aware of that, General.
- That's treason!
- Are the allegations true,
Colonel Blake?
Yes.
But-But-But-But
I don't mean "yes"...
in the sense that, "Yes, I gave aid
and comfort to the enemy"...
but rather, "Yes, Meg Cratty
gave aid and comfort."
That's what I meant by my
"yes, sir, sir, yes, sir, sir."
[Murphy]
Then the charges made by Houlihan
and Burns are substantially correct?
- [Henry] Yes, sir.
- Why are you slowing down, Frank?
Hurry up!
Watch that bomb hole!
Get over on your right, Frank!
Frank, what are you doing over
on the right? Get over on the left!
This hearing is to determine if
court-martial proceedings are indicated.
You've given me no alternative
but to recommend such proceedings.
- I understand, General.
- Don't you have anything
to say in your own defense?
I was just trying to help.
- Pierce!
- [General] Who are these people?
- We wanna testify, sir.
- The cavalry's here, Henry.
## [Imitating Bugle Call]
- Uh, General, this is Captain Pierce.
- Pierce.
This is Captain Mclntyre.
That's, uh, Meg Cratty.
And that's, uh... uh...
This is a sample
of Henry Blake's work.
- Oh, brother, that's all I need.
- We're here to help Colonel Blake, sir.
Yeah, get me life in front
of the firing squad.
You get any sleep, sir?
This girl, and dozens like her,
will have healthy babies
because of Henry Blake.
Now, I operate a clinic.
And when someone's sick,
I don't ask about their politics.
Henry Blake is the only man...
who's ever helped me.
He's a caring, decent man,
which is more than I can say
about any of you high-priced bellhops.
- You're beautiful.
- I used to be, sonny.
May I say something, General?
Before Meg Cratty set up shop,
seven out of ten babies
born to the hill people...
never made it
past the first few days.
My giving her penicillin and whatever
just made her job a little easier.
No money changed hands,
and I didn't deprive
our own wounded kids of one thing.
I'm guilty.
That's my explanation.
So you can hang my butt
from a flagpole.
General, request permission
to address this hearing.
- Who are you?
- Majors Burns and Houlihan, sir.
- Which is which?
- Doesn't matter.
They're interchangeable.
- General, this man is A.W.O.L.
- So is he. They're both AWOL.
That's only because
we're absent without leave.
They drugged an M.P.
And stole a jeep.
Whatever they've told you,
these two are living proof...
of Henry Blake's
unfitness for command.
I never claimed to be
a junior General MacArthur.
Look, I'm a doctor, and I try to patch
up wounded kids and run a hospital.
Right!
Having heard the charges and
the colonel's explanations,
I'm inclined to expunge the record.
In order to do that, I'll need you
to drop your charges, Major.
- I assume you're willing to do so.
- [Frank]Just a minute, General.
I am proud to serve
in the United States Army...
and equally proud
to fight in this war.
- My family came to America in 1927.
- Riding on a pony.
I will not drop these charges.
Colonel Blake's total refusal
to go by the book...
is a slap in the face
to the loyalty and devotion...
given to the flag by officers
and men like Major Houlihan and myself.
Uh, therefore, I decline
to change my position...
in any way, shape or form.
Excuse me, General. Some new evidence
has just come to light.
Major Burns.
- You wouldn't.
- In a minute.
- Uh-huh.
General, in view
of certain circumstances,
I, at this time,
withdraw my charges.
Frank!
[General]
You're sure, Major?
Uh... He is.
This hearing is adjourned.
I'd ask you all in for a drink,
but the Officers' Club
doesn't open for another hour.
I've got the key, General.
Fox, put yourself down
for a Silver Star.
Major Burns.
Congratulations, Henry.
- Oh, thanks, Meg. And good luck to you.
- Thanks.
Hey, Henry. What you said there,
that was terrific.
Yeah. What the hell
is the new evidence?
- What do you care? You're free.
- Yeah, you're free!
"Dear Mrs. Burns,
"since you're so proud
of your husband as an officer,
"it is sad to report that he is
frequently out of uniform.
And maybe you should
know with who."
- That's "whom."
- Oh. "Whom."
[Man Over P.A.]
Attention, all personnel.
Let's all turn out to greet
our very own Colonel Blake.
Everybody hit the compound.
Everybody hit the compound.
Well, this is it, General.
It's an honor having you.
I just wanted to see what kind
of a nut farm you were running here.
Well, I'm sorry
to disappoint you, sir.
But the, uh, 4077 th is just your
run-of-the-mill everyday army camp.
[Klinger]
Ten-hut!
Welcome home, sir.
Playing Over P.A.]
We're late.
Use the officers'.
Thirteen, fifteen.
Let's go.
- Relax. You don't have a chance.
- I'll beat your brains out.
Ahh!
- Hey, Henry. Where you going?
- Yo.
Down to Regimental
Headquarters.
- Bring back some fresh nurses.
- Make sure they're lean.
- Be good, now.
- So long, sirs.
Don't forget to tip the driver.
Aah!
- Are those gurney tables?
- Right.
And those are surgical masks.
You're playing Ping-Pong!
I told you it was Ping-Pong.
- Absolutely right, Frank. Dismissed.
- Dismissed?
Listen, with Blake gone,
I'm in command of this outfit.
Oh, in that case,
dismissed, sir.
We'll see how funny you
good-time Charlies are...
when Frank Burns is number one
around here, permanently.
Just what is that
supposed to mean?
That's for me to know
and for you to find out.
Frank, you're begging
for a deviated septum.
You'll find out.
[Man's Voice] This hearing
is to determine your fitness to command.
A serious charge has
been filed against you...
by Majors Burns
and Houlihan.
We'll begin with the lesser charges
against Lieutenant Colonel Blake,
Major Murphy.
- [Murphy] Yes, General. Colonel Blake?
- Yes, sir?
- I'm sorry, sir. Excuse me.
- My fault.
It was my fault.
I should have been more careful.
Can we get on with this?
Colonel Blake, it is alleged
that on or about Kentucky Derby Day,
there were gurney races held at
your unit and that betting took place.
- Is this true?
- Exactly what is a gurney?
Um, well, General,
it's a rolling table...
that we use
to transport patients...
to and from the various places that we
have to take them to and from from.
- "To and from from"?
- Yes, sir.
[Radar] Okay, Gal O' War!
Gal O' War! Gal O' War!
[Radar] Okay, Gal O' War!
Gal O' War! Gal O' War!
Make your bets and put on a good race.
Last chance.
Place your best, folks.
Don't miss your chance.
Well, I see y'all have got the second
post position again, Culpepper.
Sir, this position has been handed
down from Culpepper to Culpepper.
That's a fine-lookin' filly
you have there, sir.
She also has been handed down
from Culpepper to Culpepper.
Y'all, uh, this
is your colonel.
Only one minute to post time.
All right. Come on.
This is your last chance
before the big race to make your bets.
Come on, soldier. Hey, Klinger,
wanna make a bet on the race?
I'm busy. Radar,
I'm finally getting out.
Wait'll you see what I'm making
out of this red satin.
- I like you in anything.
- [Bugle: "Call To Post"]
All right. Come on.
Make your bets.
All right, folks, the gurneys are ready.
They're at the post.
[Man]
Let's go!
[Gunshot]
[Henry]
And there they go!
As we round
the clubhouse turn,
it's Hawk's Pride, with Gal O' War,
Girl Away and Bouncing Betty!
And in the lead,
it's Hawk's Pride,
and Gal O' War, Girl Away
and Bouncing Betty.
- Decadent.
- Gurney races.
- With girls on top of them.
- Pushing them around.
Doctors pushing nurses.
- Frank.
- Me too.
Where can we go?
Out back of the lard cans.
And Bouncing Betty...
Bouncing Betty is starting
to make a move on the outside.
Girl Away. It's Hawk's Pride
and Gal O' War.
Gal O' War
And a real battle for third...
between Girl Away
and Bouncing Betty.
Bouncing Betty
starting to drop behind.
Hawk's Pride widening the lead,
with Gal O' War, Girl Away.
Bouncing Betty
starts to make her move.
Hawk's Pride's
coming up fast on the inside.
Gal O' War is taking the outside.
And it's Girl Away.
Bouncing Betty is
really bouncing along,
with Girl Away, Gal O' War,
and Hawk's Pride in the lead.
Hawk's Pride is coming, and it's
neck and neck between Hawk's Pride...
And the winner is Gal O' War
by a... by a... by, uh...
The winner is Gal O' War.
[Woman Screaming]
So you not only condoned the activity,
you participated in it.
Well, uh, we work hard, Major.
We need some relaxation.
Even if it violates
every rule in the book.
General, just prior
to our Kentucky Derby Day,
our operating room,
we handled over, uh... uh...
I've got the casualty
figures here somewhere, sir.
- Uh, Radar, do you...
- Yes, sir.
I'm sorry.
It's my fault again.
Proceed, Major!
Charge two states one
of your enlisted men...
engaged in the, uh, business
of selling Hi-Style wing-tip shoes...
from the Style Right Shoe Company
of Storm Lake, Iowa.
- The Style Right what?
- Shoe Company. Style Right Shoe Company.
I read it on the back
of a matchbook.
It said that you could earn extra money
in your spare time...
selling Hi-Style
wing-tip shoes.
How did this work?
Well, you just filled in
your name and address and stuff,
and they sent you a demo shoe, a
measuring thing and, uh, an order blank.
But you're a corporal
in the United States Army.
Well, that's not
my fault, sir.
- Hey, Klinger, wait up!
- I'm busy.
Good morning, sir.
My name is Radar O'Reilly.
I represent the Style Right Shoe Company
of Storm Lake, Iowa.
Could I interest you in a pair of really
nifty black-and-white wing-tip shoes...
for only 8.95?
No, but I could use a pair
of black-and-white pumps...
with a rhinestone buckle
at any price.
[Knocking]
Anybody home?
No.
Good morning, sir.
My name is Radar O'Reilly.
I represent the Style Right Shoe Company
of Storm Lake, Iowa.
Please come in,
Mr. O'Reilly.
Thank you.
I would like to interest you in a pair
of our Hi-Style wing-tip shoes...
for only 8.95.
- Do I sit down?
- Well, I think you almost have to.
Oh. Uh, nice place
you have here.
Well, it's cruddy,
but it's home.
Have you been doing this long?
No, actually, uh,
this is my first day.
Oh, I think you'll do well. You found
my foot without any trouble at all.
Oh, and if I may say so, sir,
it is a very handsome foot.
Thanks. I like it.
Uh, well, as you can see,
this is an all-leather shoe,
with a built-in arch support...
to give you hours
of comfort and good looks.
- I can see that, yes.
- Well, sir,
as our company slogan says...
Oh, yeah. "If your shoes
aren't becoming to you,
then you should be coming to us."
Actually, Mr. O'Reilly, I already
have a pair of black-and-white shoes.
Excuse me, sir, but you don't have
Style Right black-and-white shoes.
Uh, that's true, yeah. But l... l...
I really don't... I can't afford to...
You can't afford not to give your feet
the best home they ever had.
Yeah.
Right. Well, no, I'd...
I'm sorry.
I really... I'm not...
But I'm just... I'm...
Yeah. Uh-huh.
[Murphy's Voice] Did you participate
in this business venture, Colonel Blake?
Of course not.
I can't wear wing-tip shoes.
I have an extremely high arch.
- They've got arch supports.
- Well, they weren't high enough.
I have to have extra-high supports.
They could have put those in.
You just didn't wanna spend
the extra dollar ninety-five.
- That's not true.
- It is too.
- Gentlemen!
Gentlemen!
Charge three states you have
a noncom who is a transvestite.
Well, I don't pry
into a man's religion, sir.
A transvestite
wears dresses, Colonel.
- Oh, Klinger.
- Yes.
Well, you see, Klinger is not your
typical recruiting poster type.
It might be of some comfort
to you to know...
that he spends most of his time
trying to get out of the army.
I must say
he's very inventive about it.
For, uh, several weeks, Klinger
was keeping pretty much to himself.
Uh, he seemed,
uh, preoccupied...
and didn't spend much time
around camp during his off hours.
- Did you see that?
- What?
- A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
- Oh, really?
- Hey, Hawk, did you see that?
- What did you see?
A big red bird
with fuzzy pink feet.
- See?
- Where were we?
[Murphy] So you confirm
he was found two miles from the camp?
Yes, sir. Laying there
in an unconscious condition,
looking like a big red bird
with fuzzy pink feet.
Colonel, what did you think
about Klinger's attempt
to desert the United States Army?
Well, frankly, sir, I think, uh,
he might have made it...
if he'd have had
a better tailwind.
As you were.
This hearing will resume
at 0900 hours tomorrow.
Colonel Blake,
you're under arrest.
You will remain confined to regimental
quarters until this hearing resumes.
Corporal O'Reilly,
you'll return to your unit.
Blake, I suggest that you have O'Reilly
bring back whatever documents...
you're going to need to defend yourself
against the most serious
of these charges...
falsifying records and lending
aid and comfort to the enemy.
Oh, boy.
Ah, nice. Keep a nice,
even spread there, soldier.
I don't want to see
any brush strokes.
- Frank? It's against
air raid regulations.
- Hmm?
If they're white,
they can be seen by enemy planes.
Uh,
just paint the top half
and, uh, turn them over every night.
Hey, it's Radar.
When did you get back?
About a half a chicken ago.
Where's Henry?
Will you stop
that vacuum effect and answer?
Colonel Blake is still at regimental
headquarters. He's under arrest.
- Henry?
- For what?
A whole lot of little stuff,
but one really terrible one.
Giving aid and comfort
to the enemy.
Henry wouldn't do
a thing like that.
His draft board did it when they sent
him here. What are you talking about?
- Those are the charges.
- Well, who made them?
- Major Burns...
- And Houlihan.
- And Houlihan.
Please, not while
you're eating.
Based on what?
I think it's about
that Nurse Cratty business.
How did they find out?
All I know is I got to show 'em
the file on her tomorrow morning.
- Uh, what do you say we
show them Nurse Cratty too?
- In person.
We'll take care of that.
You get the files.
Oh, hey, thanks, guys. I can't tell you
how upset this makes me.
Eat something.
You've got exciting hands.
I am a nurse, silly.
Oh! Right there.
Right there. Mmm!
I've always said it.
Behind every great man
there's a woman with a vibrator.
What do you want?
I think your salute
is idling too fast.
Just what business do you men have
with your commanding officer?
We want you to know, Commanding Officer,
we're both aware of your finkery.
- Finkery?
- That's right. You finked on Henry.
You were the fink
and he was the finkee.
Henry Blake
is unfit to command.
- We love him.
- Hard cheese.
This outfit is finally going
to have a real man in charge.
- Good luck, fella.
- You deserve it, guy.
Leave this tent immediately.
- We're going all right.
- Down to Regimental.
- Yeah, with Nurse Cratty.
- To rescue our colonel.
To save his brass.
- [Frank] As you were.
- How were we?
You're both under arrest.
Oh.
This is a clear violation
of the Geneva Convention:
"No officer shall be
confined in his underwear...
unless issued an athletic supporter
with suitable insignia."
I don't mind that so much
'cause I got good legs.
But to take away our still.
How long does he think we can last
on just food and water?
He's a doctor.
That's what kills me.
His patients
have the same problem.
Look.
You're a captain.
I'm a captain.
That makes two captains
against one major.
Now, if you were playing poker, and you
had a pair of captains in the hole,
- you'd bet your brains out.
- The trouble is, he's not one of a kind.
- That's right. Hot Lips is a major too.
- That's a bigger pair.
- Meanwhile, back at headquarters...
- Our fearless leader.
- What do we do?
- I can't think here. There's no booze,
the place has been cleaned
to within an inch of its life...
and your knees are driving me wild.
Don't get smart with me, soldier.
I'm cheap, but I'm not easy.
- Supper, sir.
- Here you go. Where do you wanna eat?
Put it by the TV.
- I like your outfit.
- Thank you.
A lot of guys can't
wear stuff like that.
Major Burns ordered me
to get rid of all my dresses.
That's a shame.
Listen, if you guys
need something to wear...
Corporal.
For nasal drip.
- I haven't got a nasal drip.
- Take it or I'll give you one.
Oh, yes, sir.
Yes, I'll have
this filled right away.
[Sniffling]
[Man Over P.A.]
Attention, all personnel.
By order of Major Frank Burns,
lights out in ten minutes sharp.
Anyone not in their
own beds at that time...
will have to spend the night
wherever they are.
The following people have volunteered
to go on a ten-mile hike.
Hiya, Roy. How you doing?
How about a beer?
Attaboy, Roy.
I did just like you told me.
I put the whole thing in his beer.
- Great.
- Take two bras out of petty cash.
[General] We'll now address
ourselves to the most serious charge...
made against you, Colonel.
Major.
It alleges that you falsified
requisition records...
to obtain more plasma, penicillin...
and other vital medical material
than your unit required.
Further, these were
delivered to your unit...
but were not given to the officer
in charge of supplies,
- Major Houlihan, according to him.
- Her.
- Sir?
- Him's a her. She's a she.
- Who's a she?
- He is.
- Houlihan?
- That's her.
- Proceed, Major.
It is further alleged,
uh, these materials were used...
to give aid to North Koreans.
Now, you gave or sold said
medical supplies to one Meg Cratty,
an American nurse who has lived
in Korea for the past 17 years...
and operates a clinic in an area some
three miles north of the 38th Parallel.
Many of her patients
are North Koreans.
- We're fighting
the North Koreans, Colonel.
- I'm aware of that, General.
- That's treason!
- Are the allegations true,
Colonel Blake?
Yes.
But-But-But-But
I don't mean "yes"...
in the sense that, "Yes, I gave aid
and comfort to the enemy"...
but rather, "Yes, Meg Cratty
gave aid and comfort."
That's what I meant by my
"yes, sir, sir, yes, sir, sir."
[Murphy]
Then the charges made by Houlihan
and Burns are substantially correct?
- [Henry] Yes, sir.
- Why are you slowing down, Frank?
Hurry up!
Watch that bomb hole!
Get over on your right, Frank!
Frank, what are you doing over
on the right? Get over on the left!
This hearing is to determine if
court-martial proceedings are indicated.
You've given me no alternative
but to recommend such proceedings.
- I understand, General.
- Don't you have anything
to say in your own defense?
I was just trying to help.
- Pierce!
- [General] Who are these people?
- We wanna testify, sir.
- The cavalry's here, Henry.
## [Imitating Bugle Call]
- Uh, General, this is Captain Pierce.
- Pierce.
This is Captain Mclntyre.
That's, uh, Meg Cratty.
And that's, uh... uh...
This is a sample
of Henry Blake's work.
- Oh, brother, that's all I need.
- We're here to help Colonel Blake, sir.
Yeah, get me life in front
of the firing squad.
You get any sleep, sir?
This girl, and dozens like her,
will have healthy babies
because of Henry Blake.
Now, I operate a clinic.
And when someone's sick,
I don't ask about their politics.
Henry Blake is the only man...
who's ever helped me.
He's a caring, decent man,
which is more than I can say
about any of you high-priced bellhops.
- You're beautiful.
- I used to be, sonny.
May I say something, General?
Before Meg Cratty set up shop,
seven out of ten babies
born to the hill people...
never made it
past the first few days.
My giving her penicillin and whatever
just made her job a little easier.
No money changed hands,
and I didn't deprive
our own wounded kids of one thing.
I'm guilty.
That's my explanation.
So you can hang my butt
from a flagpole.
General, request permission
to address this hearing.
- Who are you?
- Majors Burns and Houlihan, sir.
- Which is which?
- Doesn't matter.
They're interchangeable.
- General, this man is A.W.O.L.
- So is he. They're both AWOL.
That's only because
we're absent without leave.
They drugged an M.P.
And stole a jeep.
Whatever they've told you,
these two are living proof...
of Henry Blake's
unfitness for command.
I never claimed to be
a junior General MacArthur.
Look, I'm a doctor, and I try to patch
up wounded kids and run a hospital.
Right!
Having heard the charges and
the colonel's explanations,
I'm inclined to expunge the record.
In order to do that, I'll need you
to drop your charges, Major.
- I assume you're willing to do so.
- [Frank]Just a minute, General.
I am proud to serve
in the United States Army...
and equally proud
to fight in this war.
- My family came to America in 1927.
- Riding on a pony.
I will not drop these charges.
Colonel Blake's total refusal
to go by the book...
is a slap in the face
to the loyalty and devotion...
given to the flag by officers
and men like Major Houlihan and myself.
Uh, therefore, I decline
to change my position...
in any way, shape or form.
Excuse me, General. Some new evidence
has just come to light.
Major Burns.
- You wouldn't.
- In a minute.
- Uh-huh.
General, in view
of certain circumstances,
I, at this time,
withdraw my charges.
Frank!
[General]
You're sure, Major?
Uh... He is.
This hearing is adjourned.
I'd ask you all in for a drink,
but the Officers' Club
doesn't open for another hour.
I've got the key, General.
Fox, put yourself down
for a Silver Star.
Major Burns.
Congratulations, Henry.
- Oh, thanks, Meg. And good luck to you.
- Thanks.
Hey, Henry. What you said there,
that was terrific.
Yeah. What the hell
is the new evidence?
- What do you care? You're free.
- Yeah, you're free!
"Dear Mrs. Burns,
"since you're so proud
of your husband as an officer,
"it is sad to report that he is
frequently out of uniform.
And maybe you should
know with who."
- That's "whom."
- Oh. "Whom."
[Man Over P.A.]
Attention, all personnel.
Let's all turn out to greet
our very own Colonel Blake.
Everybody hit the compound.
Everybody hit the compound.
Well, this is it, General.
It's an honor having you.
I just wanted to see what kind
of a nut farm you were running here.
Well, I'm sorry
to disappoint you, sir.
But the, uh, 4077 th is just your
run-of-the-mill everyday army camp.
[Klinger]
Ten-hut!
Welcome home, sir.