M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 2, Episode 5 - Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde - full transcript
Hawkeye has been placed on operational stand-down orders; he has been operating for 20 straight days and nights. Hawkeye cannot sleep. Frank has been to sleep 3 times while Hawkeye operated. Trapper tries to put Hawkeye to bed. Trapper told Hawkeye he went through 3 shifts of nurses; Hawkeye said yes, but he is still hungry. Margaret worries if Hawkeye tries to operate, he will not be able to work at par. Radar tries to put Hawkeye to bed. Hawkeye cannot sleep. He wakes Trapper and tells him he must find out who started the war so he can stop it. Hawkeye still cannot sleep; and so he sends a telegram. Soon, Hawkeye's friends are unable to sleep.
Hey, Charlie.
Let's get these walls cleaned up
They look like they need it.
[Radar On P.A.] Attention.
No wounded are expected for 24 hours.
Surgical personnel
are now on conditional stand-down.
- What are you doin'?
- Somebody took my patient.
You finished him!
Well, where's the next one?
Let's go!
Deal me another case! I got a winning
streak here. Come on. Give me a gown!
Hey, pal, that's it.
We're all done.
Come on. Let's get outta here.
[Radar On P.A.]
Attention. At 1300 hours,
Colonel Blake will lecture
on the dangers of acne in combat.
I never wanted to get to bed
so bad in my whole life.
Wait a second. I take that back.
There was a nurse in med school.
When I put my ear to her navel,
I could hear the ocean.
- Some night.
- Before that, it was some day.
- And before that, it was some night.
- Well, you kept taking...
all the chest cases
like you were their only hope.
Oh, you're right. I keep forgetting
what wonders Mercurochrome can do.
[Jeep Approaches]
Let's hit the sack.
Hello, bed.
This is Captain Pierce.
Can you hear me?
I'm coming in, bed.
[Sighs]
Morpheus, don't just stand there,
I'm yours.
[Helicopter Approaches]
What's that?
What's that I hear? Thunder?
Thunder. Must be thunder.
Avalanche. They get 'em here
in the mountains all the time.
You go to sleep. I'll put a hold
on your rocks till morning.
Hey, you've been carving
for 20 straight hours.
Even Albert Schweitzer takes a rest.
You've gone through
three shifts of nurses.
Really? And I'm still hungry.
- Sir?
- Can't sit down. We got new wounded.
Well, sir, should I send back those 1941
frozen surplus chicken wings we got?
I wouldn't. They're a lot better than
those 1939 surplus hamburger patties.
Come on. Get smart.
Don't look. Don't tempt yourself.
Don't worry about me, pal.
I just wanna see what I'll be missing.
- Help me sleep better.
- Pierce, get some sack.
Yeah, I just wanna look.
I won't buy anything.
- Watch it.
- Look out.
That kid's got chest wounds.
I can spot it a mile off.
Terrific.
Your eyes are perfect.
Thanks. Yours are cute too. One on each
side of your nose, but we can fix that.
- Yeah.
- Go to bed.
Who's gonna put that kid with
the surprised look back together? You?
You don't know your rectus abdominus
from your gluteus maximus.
If I find something in his chest I don't
recognize, I'll come and get you, okay?
Pierce, you're asleep on your feet.
Wake me when I'm finished.
I don't wanna miss my nap.
[Man] Doctor, do you
want me to hold that for you?
[Pierce] Put a clamp on that.
Hold it till I get in there.
[Mclntyre]
Okay, cut that.
- Henry.
- Yeah.
- What's he doing in here?
- Gee, I don't know, Frank.
He's a doctor.
Maybe somebody's sick.
I've been asleep three times
while he's gone on operating.
- You know what that means?
- Yeah, you're Sleepy.
And I always thought you were Dopey.
You're certainly not Doc.
- Sponge.
- [Chuckles]
What that means, Colonel, is that this
man is probably operating below par.
Nonsense. I've already had six holes
in one. Get it? "Six holes in one?"
Little gallows humor
to relieve the tremendous pressure.
- I must have your body.
- [Laughing]
And you're off both shifts.
I don't wanna see you...
with a knife in your hand for 48 hours.
Taxi!
- Take him home.
- Move it, driver.
There's an extra five in it for you
if you get me there fast.
What country is this, sirrah?
Do they sleep here?
[Nurses Giggling]
Hark! A herd of nurse.
Or is that gaggle?
No, that's geese. Although,
goose and nurse don't go together.
- On the other hand...
- I think I better get you to bed.
A noble idea. Any takers?
Anybody wanna
come to my tent for a drink?
We could talk a little doctor.
Or perhaps play some.
Last chance, ladies.
[Blows]
How do you whistle? It has something
to do with the lips, doesn't it?
We had a preacher back home
who whistled while he preached.
I hope he was run out of town,
the filthy hypocrite.
Okay now, let me get you to bed here...
- and make sure you're comfortable.
- That's what they all say.
- Uh-oh.
- What? What do you hear?
[Helicopters Approaching]
- Slowly I turn,
- Hawkeye.
- Step by step, inch by inch.
- Hawk. Hawk.
Listen. Let somebody else
do these. You're tired.
[Laughs]
Radar, you're not a doctor.
You're a layman, if I may use that term
so early in the morning.
The human body...
aside from its other wonders...
has glands known as the adrenals.
Even as I talk to you,
a tiny little man inside me...
with a golf cap and a pink cashmere
sweater is saying to my adrenals,
"Okay, fill 'er up.
My oil and water are all right."
- Really?
- Of course, in some people...
the overproduction of adrenalin can lead
to compulsive, even psychotic behavior.
Why are you staring at me like that?
- I'm not staring at you.
- It must just be your eyes.
[Helicopters Approaching]
[Crickets Chirping]
- What is it?
- Wake up.
I thought you were asleep.
Something funny is happening here,
and I'm finally beginning to notice it.
For the past couple of days, I've been
making some very careful observations.
There's a war going on here.
People walkin' around with guns.
Uniforms.
Dozens of bodies
coming in by helicopter.
And without exception, every single one
of them is mangled in some way.
Don't you see? It all adds up.
There's guns, uniforms, wounded bodies.
- You figured that out, huh?
- I'm beginning to see a pattern.
Why don't you go to sleep? You're
turning into a 170-pound fruitcake.
If I thought I could stop it just by
going to sleep, don't you think I'd try?
Look. Close your bulbs
and it all goes away.
Two or three hours later,
it'll be tomorrow.
And if that gets unbearable,
you check out again.
See how it works.
Somebody... and it wasn't you or me...
started this war.
Now who was it?
What, did two guys slap each other
with gloves and challenge themselves?
It isn't Pearl Harbor.
We already had one of those.
L-I gotta find out who started it.
And then what?
And then I'll get 'em to call it off.
Hi, Hawkeye.
Get some sleep?
- No, thanks. Not while I'm standing.
- Okay.
As long as you're pretending to be
Thomas Edison as a boy, send a telegram.
Oh, sure. Hold on a second.
Oh, hey...
what does, uh, "holacast" mean?
Nothing. Not a thing.
But we have a similar word in English
which may interest you..."holocaust."
- Yeah? What's that mean?
- An immense conflagration.
- Yeah?
- A big fire. What are you reading?
"Captain Marvel
and His Formfitting Underpants"?
Oh, no. I'm just
catching up on my history.
- Oh, war comics, huh?
- Yeah.
I knew I shoulda waited for the book.
Oh, World War II.
Lotta nice songs
came out of that war.
# I'll be home for Christmas #
#You can count on me #
You know that song?
Uh, no, I guess that was
a little before my time.
I remember lying on the rug, listening
to them sing that on the radio.
I can still smell the rug.
# Please have snow #
#And mistletoe #
#And presents #
# On the tree ##
A lot of very touching songs
came out of that war.
#When the fuhrer says
we is the master race #
#We heil, phtt, heil #
# Right in the fuhrer's face ##
Oh, right.
I guess you want to
send that telegram now.
My very thought, Mercury.
Not a minute to lose.
- Okay, shoot.
- To Harry S. Truman, the White House.
And copy the Secretary General
of the United Nations.
Uh, uh, Dear Harry,
Who's responsible?
Sign that: Affectionately,
a dissatisfied customer.
Wow.
- Come on! Let's go, send it!
- All right.
Let me know the minute
you get an answer.
[Tapping]
Hey, Doc. How they honkin'?
I've been looking for you.
Don't go up in your helicopter anymore.
- It's not your fault.
- Huh?
You just don't understand
the relationship, probably.
When you go up in the air,
all your stretchers are empty, right?
- Sure.
- Yeah, but see, when you come back,
there's always a kid, or a portion
of him in one of the stretchers, right?
Well, I can't let you do that anymore.
Nobody goes up, nobody gets hurt.
That's very interesting, Doc.
Okay, sure, Doc.
You won't be out of a job.
We can turn your chopper into a...
flying saloon or
a house of ill repute in the sky.
Okay, that's done. Now I can...
- get some sleep.
- [Helicopters Approaching]
I need a 50cc syringe with a 15 needle.
Get him inside right away.
He's got a tension pneumothorax.
We get the air out of his chest,
we can save the lung.
Start the I.V. With whole blood, stat!
[Mclntyre]
That's good. Put it right here.
Listen, Pierce.
You were ordered to stand down.
I did, but I fell up again.
Oh, let me see.
Uh, the Lone Ranger. Very good.
You've gone against orders, Pierce.
Somebody else could have operated.
I asked the kid to sit in the waiting
room, but he's read all our magazines.
I'm gonna be frank with you, Pierce.
- You're gonna be frank with me?
- I mean blunt.
Oh, that's good. Otherwise,
Frank would try to be Henry with me.
I don't think I could stand that.
Now you pay close attention.
Can you understand what I'm saying?
Why? Is there something
wrong with your mouth?
No, I'm fine.
The problem is you've been
on 24-hour call three nights this week.
Three times twenty-four.
Look, Doctor. No matter what comes in,
I'm putting you to bed.
You're the second person
to make me that offer.
I must be obvious or something.
Sorry, Henry. I have to disappoint you.
I just gotta get some sleep.
A message from General Clayton, sir.
He's madder than hell, and he's comin'
down here to find out who did it.
- Well, you can hardly blame him.
- Yes, sir.
Coming down here
to find out who did what?
Someone sent a telegram
to President Truman, sir.
A telegram?
To President Harry S. Truman?
- That president?
- Yes, sir, that's the one.
- Was it dirty?
- Oh, no, sir.
All it... It just said,
"Who's responsible?"
Oh. For what?
I don't know, sir. That's what
the general wants to find out.
Well, then he'd better
get down here right away.
- Yes, sir, and he's on his way.
- Good thinkin'.
- Thank you, sir.
- Oh.
Better get that garter belt
and that other stuff out of my tent.
- Yes, sir.
- Oh, and, uh,
do we have enough sherry
and ginger ale for the general?
- Oh, nobody does, sir.
- Well, fine.
Then, if nobody does, we don't have to.
But make sure we do, in case we don't.
Don't you believe in knocking?
No. If I can't say something nice
about somebody...
- What do you want?
- Sorry to bother you, Major.
There's something of major importance
I have to discuss with the major.
- Where's Frank?
- You mean Major Burns?
You sure he's not in here sniffing
your dress shields or something?
Major Burns is in the mess tent.
You know he gives an orientation lecture
every Friday afternoon.
Why, then, are we here?
A very good question.
Let me try to answer
that question with an answer.
The American presence
is present in Korea...
at the request of the United Nations.
We're here to keep the peace,
to keep the enemy back behind
the 38th parallel where they came from,
or else, they'll spread south,
down Korea,
turn left, and the next thing we know,
they'll be marching down
Main Street, U.S.A.
There's a great deal I could tell you
about this, men, but, uh,
the essence of good teaching is to
answer questions uppermost in your mind.
Now, just ask anything at all.
Whatever is most uppermost
in your minds. Anyone?
Anyone at all.
Anyone who has a question
on the topic at hand?
Any of the enlisted men who is required
to be here that has a question.
Aw, come on, Frank.
I got a question.
- Captain Pierce!
- Why are we here?
I believe I just explained that,
Captain.
No, I mean, what...
what's the war about?
Why... What did...
How did it start?
The Communists, Pierce.
And don't try to make fun of this.
This is serious business.
I'm not making fun, Frank.
I'm trying to figure this out. What...
Why should North Korea
wanna take over America?
Is it something we said?
Something we didn't say?
Let me tell you something, Pierce.
These godless Communists have run their
own countries right into the ground,
while we've been building the highest
standard of living in the world.
Half of these people over here
never even saw a bathroom.
And believe you me, they want one.
- They do?
- You bet your life they do.
And if they can't get our bathrooms
by subversion, they'll get them by war!
They can have mine.
I'd be glad to keep my legs crossed
until after the war.
That was just a figure of speech.
I can't take your picture now, Radar.
Come back later
and we'll get a pony and do it right.
Uh, I've been looking
all over for you.
You can even ride the pony
when we're finished.
Stick around.
I do beautiful work.
I like that. It sells.
Pierce, I want you to know
you ruined my lecture!
It was a disgraceful thing to do.
You're taking a picture of a latrine?
Very observant, Frank.
What am I doing now?
- What are you doing?
- Still taking a picture of a latrine.
It was a trick question.
- He's absolutely blabbering.
- Psst.
May one ask why you are taking
a picture of a latrine?
Why is North Korea shooting at us?
What do we have that
they could possibly want?
We have guns, they have guns.
We have tanks, they have tanks.
You gave me the clue, Frank.
This war will go down in history
as the Battle of the Bathroom.
He's joking.
I'm sending these pictures
to the North with an offer...
and my personal word
that we'll stop if they'll stop.
- Somebody oughta put him to bed.
- You too?
What is this strange power I have that
makes people want to get me to bed?
Pierce, return to your tent
and get some sleep.
That was a direct order
I gave you, Pierce.
Well, he was close.
He's out on my feet.
We gotta do something
about Hawkeye, Henry.
He's acting more and more
like a... like a noodle.
I have my own rear end to worry about.
General Clayton's due here any minute.
Some dodo's been sending telegrams
to the president from this camp.
Uh, sir, I can identify the dodo.
- It was Captain Pierce.
- How do you know?
- Uh, I sent it.
- Why didn't you tell me?
I was only trying to help.
I didn't want him to get into trouble.
Oh, you don't care about me
getting in trouble.
You don't need any help.
While we're on the subject
of trouble, Henry,
I think you should know
Hawkeye is planning...
to send the officers' latrine
to North Korea.
- Well, that's very friendly.
- Friendly, sir?
Yeah, it's a nice gesture.
But if we send them our latrine,
what are we gonna do for one?
You can carry friendship,
not to mention latrines, a bit far.
What about the general, sir?
He must have his own latrine.
A one-star general, surely he's got...
Henry, Hawkeye's gotta be sedated.
Well, then put him away.
Bomb him!
You guys are really gonna help me?
- Oh, sure.
- Yeah, we want the war over too, Hawk.
Let others sit idly by, huh?
As my grandfather Sparky Pierce
used to say,
"There are some who do,
and some who don't. "
He was doing six months in the
New Hampshire License Plate Academy...
when he said it.
Oh, 3:00 was a very good hour.
- Should we drink to your plan?
- To peace.
To peace and the American way
of plumbing.
[Burps]
Gentlemen,
it's time to bring tranquility
to this troubled peninsula.
- When's he gonna fall down?
- I don't know.
Rasputin swallowed a whole drugstore
and didn't even belch.
Now wait right here, son.
I'll only be a minute.
Ooh! Ah! Ooh! Ah!
Uh, sir? Sir!
- Sir, don't go in there, General.
- Out of my way, soldier.
Or I'll have you court-martialed...
for interfering with
an officer's bodily functions.
Uh... Uh... Uh...
Hawkeye! Don't! Don't! Uh...
- Hawkeye, don't!
- [Engine Starts]
Sergeant! Get me outta here!
Do you know who I am?
Let me outta here!
Wait a minute!
Where are we going?
Sergeant! Sergeant!
Well, he drove about 500 yards, then
the stuff hit him and he lost altitude.
That's your cuckoo stunts.
- Four on the five.
- Oh, yeah.
Taking a general for a ride
to North Korea in a latrine.
[Pierce Mumbling]
Mclntyre,
what makes him do these things?
He's just unstable. He took
this weird oath as a young man...
never to just stand around
and watch people die.
I took the same oath, pal.
I didn't ask to be here.
Yeah, me neither.
I guess that makes about 80,000 of us.
You know what?
If we had any guts,
you, me and the Masked Marvel there...
would take the next latrine
out of here and go home.
Put the queen on the king.
The queen on the king.
Let's get these walls cleaned up
They look like they need it.
[Radar On P.A.] Attention.
No wounded are expected for 24 hours.
Surgical personnel
are now on conditional stand-down.
- What are you doin'?
- Somebody took my patient.
You finished him!
Well, where's the next one?
Let's go!
Deal me another case! I got a winning
streak here. Come on. Give me a gown!
Hey, pal, that's it.
We're all done.
Come on. Let's get outta here.
[Radar On P.A.]
Attention. At 1300 hours,
Colonel Blake will lecture
on the dangers of acne in combat.
I never wanted to get to bed
so bad in my whole life.
Wait a second. I take that back.
There was a nurse in med school.
When I put my ear to her navel,
I could hear the ocean.
- Some night.
- Before that, it was some day.
- And before that, it was some night.
- Well, you kept taking...
all the chest cases
like you were their only hope.
Oh, you're right. I keep forgetting
what wonders Mercurochrome can do.
[Jeep Approaches]
Let's hit the sack.
Hello, bed.
This is Captain Pierce.
Can you hear me?
I'm coming in, bed.
[Sighs]
Morpheus, don't just stand there,
I'm yours.
[Helicopter Approaches]
What's that?
What's that I hear? Thunder?
Thunder. Must be thunder.
Avalanche. They get 'em here
in the mountains all the time.
You go to sleep. I'll put a hold
on your rocks till morning.
Hey, you've been carving
for 20 straight hours.
Even Albert Schweitzer takes a rest.
You've gone through
three shifts of nurses.
Really? And I'm still hungry.
- Sir?
- Can't sit down. We got new wounded.
Well, sir, should I send back those 1941
frozen surplus chicken wings we got?
I wouldn't. They're a lot better than
those 1939 surplus hamburger patties.
Come on. Get smart.
Don't look. Don't tempt yourself.
Don't worry about me, pal.
I just wanna see what I'll be missing.
- Help me sleep better.
- Pierce, get some sack.
Yeah, I just wanna look.
I won't buy anything.
- Watch it.
- Look out.
That kid's got chest wounds.
I can spot it a mile off.
Terrific.
Your eyes are perfect.
Thanks. Yours are cute too. One on each
side of your nose, but we can fix that.
- Yeah.
- Go to bed.
Who's gonna put that kid with
the surprised look back together? You?
You don't know your rectus abdominus
from your gluteus maximus.
If I find something in his chest I don't
recognize, I'll come and get you, okay?
Pierce, you're asleep on your feet.
Wake me when I'm finished.
I don't wanna miss my nap.
[Man] Doctor, do you
want me to hold that for you?
[Pierce] Put a clamp on that.
Hold it till I get in there.
[Mclntyre]
Okay, cut that.
- Henry.
- Yeah.
- What's he doing in here?
- Gee, I don't know, Frank.
He's a doctor.
Maybe somebody's sick.
I've been asleep three times
while he's gone on operating.
- You know what that means?
- Yeah, you're Sleepy.
And I always thought you were Dopey.
You're certainly not Doc.
- Sponge.
- [Chuckles]
What that means, Colonel, is that this
man is probably operating below par.
Nonsense. I've already had six holes
in one. Get it? "Six holes in one?"
Little gallows humor
to relieve the tremendous pressure.
- I must have your body.
- [Laughing]
And you're off both shifts.
I don't wanna see you...
with a knife in your hand for 48 hours.
Taxi!
- Take him home.
- Move it, driver.
There's an extra five in it for you
if you get me there fast.
What country is this, sirrah?
Do they sleep here?
[Nurses Giggling]
Hark! A herd of nurse.
Or is that gaggle?
No, that's geese. Although,
goose and nurse don't go together.
- On the other hand...
- I think I better get you to bed.
A noble idea. Any takers?
Anybody wanna
come to my tent for a drink?
We could talk a little doctor.
Or perhaps play some.
Last chance, ladies.
[Blows]
How do you whistle? It has something
to do with the lips, doesn't it?
We had a preacher back home
who whistled while he preached.
I hope he was run out of town,
the filthy hypocrite.
Okay now, let me get you to bed here...
- and make sure you're comfortable.
- That's what they all say.
- Uh-oh.
- What? What do you hear?
[Helicopters Approaching]
- Slowly I turn,
- Hawkeye.
- Step by step, inch by inch.
- Hawk. Hawk.
Listen. Let somebody else
do these. You're tired.
[Laughs]
Radar, you're not a doctor.
You're a layman, if I may use that term
so early in the morning.
The human body...
aside from its other wonders...
has glands known as the adrenals.
Even as I talk to you,
a tiny little man inside me...
with a golf cap and a pink cashmere
sweater is saying to my adrenals,
"Okay, fill 'er up.
My oil and water are all right."
- Really?
- Of course, in some people...
the overproduction of adrenalin can lead
to compulsive, even psychotic behavior.
Why are you staring at me like that?
- I'm not staring at you.
- It must just be your eyes.
[Helicopters Approaching]
[Crickets Chirping]
- What is it?
- Wake up.
I thought you were asleep.
Something funny is happening here,
and I'm finally beginning to notice it.
For the past couple of days, I've been
making some very careful observations.
There's a war going on here.
People walkin' around with guns.
Uniforms.
Dozens of bodies
coming in by helicopter.
And without exception, every single one
of them is mangled in some way.
Don't you see? It all adds up.
There's guns, uniforms, wounded bodies.
- You figured that out, huh?
- I'm beginning to see a pattern.
Why don't you go to sleep? You're
turning into a 170-pound fruitcake.
If I thought I could stop it just by
going to sleep, don't you think I'd try?
Look. Close your bulbs
and it all goes away.
Two or three hours later,
it'll be tomorrow.
And if that gets unbearable,
you check out again.
See how it works.
Somebody... and it wasn't you or me...
started this war.
Now who was it?
What, did two guys slap each other
with gloves and challenge themselves?
It isn't Pearl Harbor.
We already had one of those.
L-I gotta find out who started it.
And then what?
And then I'll get 'em to call it off.
Hi, Hawkeye.
Get some sleep?
- No, thanks. Not while I'm standing.
- Okay.
As long as you're pretending to be
Thomas Edison as a boy, send a telegram.
Oh, sure. Hold on a second.
Oh, hey...
what does, uh, "holacast" mean?
Nothing. Not a thing.
But we have a similar word in English
which may interest you..."holocaust."
- Yeah? What's that mean?
- An immense conflagration.
- Yeah?
- A big fire. What are you reading?
"Captain Marvel
and His Formfitting Underpants"?
Oh, no. I'm just
catching up on my history.
- Oh, war comics, huh?
- Yeah.
I knew I shoulda waited for the book.
Oh, World War II.
Lotta nice songs
came out of that war.
# I'll be home for Christmas #
#You can count on me #
You know that song?
Uh, no, I guess that was
a little before my time.
I remember lying on the rug, listening
to them sing that on the radio.
I can still smell the rug.
# Please have snow #
#And mistletoe #
#And presents #
# On the tree ##
A lot of very touching songs
came out of that war.
#When the fuhrer says
we is the master race #
#We heil, phtt, heil #
# Right in the fuhrer's face ##
Oh, right.
I guess you want to
send that telegram now.
My very thought, Mercury.
Not a minute to lose.
- Okay, shoot.
- To Harry S. Truman, the White House.
And copy the Secretary General
of the United Nations.
Uh, uh, Dear Harry,
Who's responsible?
Sign that: Affectionately,
a dissatisfied customer.
Wow.
- Come on! Let's go, send it!
- All right.
Let me know the minute
you get an answer.
[Tapping]
Hey, Doc. How they honkin'?
I've been looking for you.
Don't go up in your helicopter anymore.
- It's not your fault.
- Huh?
You just don't understand
the relationship, probably.
When you go up in the air,
all your stretchers are empty, right?
- Sure.
- Yeah, but see, when you come back,
there's always a kid, or a portion
of him in one of the stretchers, right?
Well, I can't let you do that anymore.
Nobody goes up, nobody gets hurt.
That's very interesting, Doc.
Okay, sure, Doc.
You won't be out of a job.
We can turn your chopper into a...
flying saloon or
a house of ill repute in the sky.
Okay, that's done. Now I can...
- get some sleep.
- [Helicopters Approaching]
I need a 50cc syringe with a 15 needle.
Get him inside right away.
He's got a tension pneumothorax.
We get the air out of his chest,
we can save the lung.
Start the I.V. With whole blood, stat!
[Mclntyre]
That's good. Put it right here.
Listen, Pierce.
You were ordered to stand down.
I did, but I fell up again.
Oh, let me see.
Uh, the Lone Ranger. Very good.
You've gone against orders, Pierce.
Somebody else could have operated.
I asked the kid to sit in the waiting
room, but he's read all our magazines.
I'm gonna be frank with you, Pierce.
- You're gonna be frank with me?
- I mean blunt.
Oh, that's good. Otherwise,
Frank would try to be Henry with me.
I don't think I could stand that.
Now you pay close attention.
Can you understand what I'm saying?
Why? Is there something
wrong with your mouth?
No, I'm fine.
The problem is you've been
on 24-hour call three nights this week.
Three times twenty-four.
Look, Doctor. No matter what comes in,
I'm putting you to bed.
You're the second person
to make me that offer.
I must be obvious or something.
Sorry, Henry. I have to disappoint you.
I just gotta get some sleep.
A message from General Clayton, sir.
He's madder than hell, and he's comin'
down here to find out who did it.
- Well, you can hardly blame him.
- Yes, sir.
Coming down here
to find out who did what?
Someone sent a telegram
to President Truman, sir.
A telegram?
To President Harry S. Truman?
- That president?
- Yes, sir, that's the one.
- Was it dirty?
- Oh, no, sir.
All it... It just said,
"Who's responsible?"
Oh. For what?
I don't know, sir. That's what
the general wants to find out.
Well, then he'd better
get down here right away.
- Yes, sir, and he's on his way.
- Good thinkin'.
- Thank you, sir.
- Oh.
Better get that garter belt
and that other stuff out of my tent.
- Yes, sir.
- Oh, and, uh,
do we have enough sherry
and ginger ale for the general?
- Oh, nobody does, sir.
- Well, fine.
Then, if nobody does, we don't have to.
But make sure we do, in case we don't.
Don't you believe in knocking?
No. If I can't say something nice
about somebody...
- What do you want?
- Sorry to bother you, Major.
There's something of major importance
I have to discuss with the major.
- Where's Frank?
- You mean Major Burns?
You sure he's not in here sniffing
your dress shields or something?
Major Burns is in the mess tent.
You know he gives an orientation lecture
every Friday afternoon.
Why, then, are we here?
A very good question.
Let me try to answer
that question with an answer.
The American presence
is present in Korea...
at the request of the United Nations.
We're here to keep the peace,
to keep the enemy back behind
the 38th parallel where they came from,
or else, they'll spread south,
down Korea,
turn left, and the next thing we know,
they'll be marching down
Main Street, U.S.A.
There's a great deal I could tell you
about this, men, but, uh,
the essence of good teaching is to
answer questions uppermost in your mind.
Now, just ask anything at all.
Whatever is most uppermost
in your minds. Anyone?
Anyone at all.
Anyone who has a question
on the topic at hand?
Any of the enlisted men who is required
to be here that has a question.
Aw, come on, Frank.
I got a question.
- Captain Pierce!
- Why are we here?
I believe I just explained that,
Captain.
No, I mean, what...
what's the war about?
Why... What did...
How did it start?
The Communists, Pierce.
And don't try to make fun of this.
This is serious business.
I'm not making fun, Frank.
I'm trying to figure this out. What...
Why should North Korea
wanna take over America?
Is it something we said?
Something we didn't say?
Let me tell you something, Pierce.
These godless Communists have run their
own countries right into the ground,
while we've been building the highest
standard of living in the world.
Half of these people over here
never even saw a bathroom.
And believe you me, they want one.
- They do?
- You bet your life they do.
And if they can't get our bathrooms
by subversion, they'll get them by war!
They can have mine.
I'd be glad to keep my legs crossed
until after the war.
That was just a figure of speech.
I can't take your picture now, Radar.
Come back later
and we'll get a pony and do it right.
Uh, I've been looking
all over for you.
You can even ride the pony
when we're finished.
Stick around.
I do beautiful work.
I like that. It sells.
Pierce, I want you to know
you ruined my lecture!
It was a disgraceful thing to do.
You're taking a picture of a latrine?
Very observant, Frank.
What am I doing now?
- What are you doing?
- Still taking a picture of a latrine.
It was a trick question.
- He's absolutely blabbering.
- Psst.
May one ask why you are taking
a picture of a latrine?
Why is North Korea shooting at us?
What do we have that
they could possibly want?
We have guns, they have guns.
We have tanks, they have tanks.
You gave me the clue, Frank.
This war will go down in history
as the Battle of the Bathroom.
He's joking.
I'm sending these pictures
to the North with an offer...
and my personal word
that we'll stop if they'll stop.
- Somebody oughta put him to bed.
- You too?
What is this strange power I have that
makes people want to get me to bed?
Pierce, return to your tent
and get some sleep.
That was a direct order
I gave you, Pierce.
Well, he was close.
He's out on my feet.
We gotta do something
about Hawkeye, Henry.
He's acting more and more
like a... like a noodle.
I have my own rear end to worry about.
General Clayton's due here any minute.
Some dodo's been sending telegrams
to the president from this camp.
Uh, sir, I can identify the dodo.
- It was Captain Pierce.
- How do you know?
- Uh, I sent it.
- Why didn't you tell me?
I was only trying to help.
I didn't want him to get into trouble.
Oh, you don't care about me
getting in trouble.
You don't need any help.
While we're on the subject
of trouble, Henry,
I think you should know
Hawkeye is planning...
to send the officers' latrine
to North Korea.
- Well, that's very friendly.
- Friendly, sir?
Yeah, it's a nice gesture.
But if we send them our latrine,
what are we gonna do for one?
You can carry friendship,
not to mention latrines, a bit far.
What about the general, sir?
He must have his own latrine.
A one-star general, surely he's got...
Henry, Hawkeye's gotta be sedated.
Well, then put him away.
Bomb him!
You guys are really gonna help me?
- Oh, sure.
- Yeah, we want the war over too, Hawk.
Let others sit idly by, huh?
As my grandfather Sparky Pierce
used to say,
"There are some who do,
and some who don't. "
He was doing six months in the
New Hampshire License Plate Academy...
when he said it.
Oh, 3:00 was a very good hour.
- Should we drink to your plan?
- To peace.
To peace and the American way
of plumbing.
[Burps]
Gentlemen,
it's time to bring tranquility
to this troubled peninsula.
- When's he gonna fall down?
- I don't know.
Rasputin swallowed a whole drugstore
and didn't even belch.
Now wait right here, son.
I'll only be a minute.
Ooh! Ah! Ooh! Ah!
Uh, sir? Sir!
- Sir, don't go in there, General.
- Out of my way, soldier.
Or I'll have you court-martialed...
for interfering with
an officer's bodily functions.
Uh... Uh... Uh...
Hawkeye! Don't! Don't! Uh...
- Hawkeye, don't!
- [Engine Starts]
Sergeant! Get me outta here!
Do you know who I am?
Let me outta here!
Wait a minute!
Where are we going?
Sergeant! Sergeant!
Well, he drove about 500 yards, then
the stuff hit him and he lost altitude.
That's your cuckoo stunts.
- Four on the five.
- Oh, yeah.
Taking a general for a ride
to North Korea in a latrine.
[Pierce Mumbling]
Mclntyre,
what makes him do these things?
He's just unstable. He took
this weird oath as a young man...
never to just stand around
and watch people die.
I took the same oath, pal.
I didn't ask to be here.
Yeah, me neither.
I guess that makes about 80,000 of us.
You know what?
If we had any guts,
you, me and the Masked Marvel there...
would take the next latrine
out of here and go home.
Put the queen on the king.
The queen on the king.