M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 2, Episode 4 - For the Good of the Outfit - full transcript
Trapper and Hawkeye discover an inordinately large number of South Korean casualties from the village of Tae-Dong at the 4077. Together with Margaret and Frank, they were on duty and know the truth about Tae-Dong; it was an error made by the U.S. Army. But Frank refuses to sign the guys' report. Major Stoner of the Adjutant General's office travels to the 4077 to take statements and gather all of the evidence; supposedly, he is making a full report and publishing the findings in "Stars and Stripes." It takes awhile before the drunken duo realize they have been had. When Brigadier Gen. Clayton tries to smooth ruffled feathers with Army double talk, Margaret misunderstands and thinks she and Frank have been had. But, Frank did well not to sign the Tae-Dong report. Because now, the 4077 personnel have possession of the shrapnel, records and other info gathered by Frank, even though Stoner stole theirs. They hold Clayton ransom: until their story is printed in "Stars and Stripes," they will hold on to the evidence. Clayton is a pragmatic winner and loser; he knows the Army will have to take its lumps for Tae-Dong. The 4077 officers, united for a rare, brief moment, are triumphant... until the inevitable clowning begins again.
[Blake]
Adjust the drip on that I. V.
[Houlihan] Nurse, when you
get a chance, come here.
- Get me a bottle of O-positive blood.
- Yes, sir.
- Okay, okay, suture scissors.
- Scissors.
- Four-oh silk.
- Four-oh silk.
- Beautiful stitching, Frank.
- Thanks.
You used to do
baseball gloves, right?
Just ignore him, Frank.
[Chattering Continues]
Got enough shrapnel here
to make a nine iron.
That's 12 fragments so far.
This guy's a walking junkyard too.
Hey, are all these people Koreans?
Now that you mention it...
If you'd read the surgery schedule,
you'd know they were.
The village ofTai-Dong
was shelled this morning.
Well, they were probably asking for it...
washing their babies,
having breakfast, committing
other acts of aggression.
Hey, I was in Tai-Dong
last week. Forceps.
There's no enemy artillery
anywhere near that place.
I insist on quiet in here!
Will someone please
turn the war down for Frank?
Hey, Trap.
Look at this.
Here we are, and here's
the village of Tai-Dong,
about eight kilometers south...
- Henry?
- Eight kilometers south of us.
I'm listening.
- You mind looking at Korea?
- Every single morning.
You know, I've been here
all these months,
and sometimes I still wake up
and wonder,
"What has my wife
done to the bedroom?"
Henry, this morning
the village ofTai-Dong was shelled,
and the only artillery unit
anywhere near it was the 348th.
Which of them are they?
It is not "they" and it is not "them."
It is "us."
The good guys.
We clobbered 'em.
- Oops!
- At least.
You wanna dig out the "oops" forms
and tell the whole class about it?
- Radar...
- Sir?
Instant corporal.
- You wanna get me the forms...
- Pierce, hold it.
Look, this is
a very serious charge.
You've got to have some proof.
Let's not go off half-cocked.
Well, then let's go off all-cocked,
but let's go off.
- Get me the forms, will you?
- What forms am I getting?
- The ones he wants.
- Oh, that Tai-Dong thing.
Hey. Just what we thought.
I checked with a guy in Artillery.
These fragments are as American
as apple pie and napalm.
Uh, what was that
about proof, Henry?
I just want to remind you
how thrilled the army is
about people who rock the boat.
Women and colonels first, Henry.
Anyway, were not in the army.
That is, were in the army,
but we're not "Army."
Little "A"
as opposed to big "A."
Uh-huh.
Well, you file that report,
and the army's gonna put your big "A"
and your little "A" in a sling.
- Radar, if you want me,
I won't be anywhere.
- Yes, sir.
- Hawkeye? Here you go.
- Is that everything?
You got all the forms?
There's enough red tape in there
to keep anybody happy.
We want the army to take
responsibility for the shelling.
And full compensation
for the village.
- Are you guys making
this report together?
- Why not?
Then afterwards, hand-in-hand,
we're jumping off Lovers' Leap.
Boy, you sure
got guts, sirs.
If we don't, we know where to get 'em.
We're doctors.
Well, I mean, you're the first officers
I ever saw...
who would stick by their principles
no matter what.
Except for that colonel who reported
the P.X. Kickbacks.
- What colonel?
- You know. PrivateJohnson?
[Man On P.A.]
Attention, all personnel.
Due to circumstances
beyond our control,
lunch will be served today.
Before we get to work on these,
how about a wee drop of the creature?
I'm driving,
so I'll just have a double.
- This a new batch?
- The newest.
- Dry enough for you?
- Is what dry enough?
I'm trying a new filter system:
Charcoal and sweat socks.
Okay, let's see here.
"Type of engagement:
Air strike, armored attack,
artillery, atomic."
- Nice, huh? Multiple choice disasters.
- Listen to this.
"In completing attached
form 2759, stroke 6-J-12,
delete printed reference to World War II
and substitute 'Korean Police Action."'
This is surplus.
The least they could do is
give our war its own stationery.
- Well, what have we gotta do here?
- [Door Opens]
Well, I see the bar
is open again, hmm?
Pigpen.
Brothel.
- Here, sir.
- Yo!
- Where's my razor?
- Shaving your legs again, Frank?
I don't think it's so
all-fired sophisticated
to walk around with a beard.
You ought to try it sometime, Frank.
Women love it.
- Oh, I'll bet.
- Really. Come here.
Kiss me.
[Laughing]
- Caught you!
- At what?
Making one of your obscene gestures
behind my back.
- Which one?
- You know, the one that...
Frank.
- Truce, okay? Truce?
- Hah!
Last time we had a truce,
I found peanut butter in my stethoscope.
Frank, we're gonna submit a report
to Seoul about the shelling ofTai-Dong.
We were the three surgeons on duty,
Frank. We all should sign it.
Are you guys loony?
I'm not getting involved.
I'm not signing anything.
And I never knock
any team I'm on.
Frank, I'm sorry, all right?
- For what?
- Everything. All of it.
The... The peanut butter
in your stethoscope.
- The ether in your aftershave.
- And autographing my mother's picture?
"Dear Frank,
Dad was not your father.
- Love, Mom."
- We'll give you a blanket "sorry."
- Just sign this for old times' sake.
- For new times' sake.
I'm not making any waves.
Mm-mm.
Frank, come on, listen. You can't
turn your back on those people.
- You operated on some of them.
- I don't remember operating on anyone.
Oh, really? What about all this iron
confetti you're saving for a souvenir?
Oh, give me those fragments!
You guys are not
gonna get me in Dutch!
Frank, one decent act. If you don't
like it, you don't have to do it again.
Oh, go fish!
[Man On P.A.]
Attention. P.F.C. Lester Pasco...
will pay five dollars
for a hot letter from home.
- [Knocking] Colonel Blake?
- I don't start till 9:00.
Leave your name
with my service.
Sir, this is your service. There's
someone important here to see you.
- How do you know?
- He has a briefcase.
Come in.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Sir, I'll take this stuff back to the
laundry that made this terrible mistake.
- Thank you.
- Colonel, this is Major Stoner,
adjutant inspector general.
Oh, my.
This is somewhat of
a frightening honor.
I'm here because our office
received a form 2759, stroke 6-J-12.
Oh, I can well imagine.
- Look, why don't you just
sit down here, Major?
- Thank you.
Make yourself...
down there.
Uh, just exactly what is...
a 2759, stroke whatever?
I know it's too big
for a shoe size.
This 2759 is what?
It's a request for an investigation
filed by two of your surgeons.
Uh, Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce?
Hawkeye.
Captain John Mclntyre?
Trapper.
- Colonel?
- Hmm?
Uh, this matter
is highly classified.
- Classified?
- Not for everyone's ears?
Oh. Sure.
Well, the corporal's been
thoroughly cleared. I did it myself.
I beg your pardon?
Radar, didn't you fill out
those top secret forms on yourself?
- Yes, sir.
- And didn't I sign where you told me to?
- Oh, yes, sir.
- Well, there you go.
Clear as mother's milk.
Uh, are you clear, Colonel?
Uh, well, didn't we
clear each other?
- Corporal?
- Yes, sir?
- Try "ma'am" once!
- Yes, ma'am. Sorry.
- Where's Colonel Blake?
- He went off with Major Stoner.
- Major Stoner?
- Yes, sir.
- You stand up
when you address an officer!
- Yes, sir!
Now, do I know anything
about this Major Stoner?
I don't know that
you know anything at all, sir.
Where is Major Stoner?
- He's gone off with Colonel Blake.
- I wonder where he's from.
- Bloomington, Illinois.
- What?
The colonel's from Bloomington.
It's a town.
I'm from Iowa myself, which is quite
a coincidence when you think about it.
Where the Major is from.
Oh, he's from
the inspector general's office.
Tai-Dong. Let's go.
You will continue to stand
till I leave your sight!
- It'll be a pleasure, ma'am.
- Sir!
Uh, yes, sir, ma'am.
Change the dressing, Ginger,
and then she can go back
to whatever's left of her home.
- Orders on the other two?
- Yeah, discontinue I.V.,
start 'em on clear liquids.
Ah. Pierce?
Uh, Pierce, this is Major Stoner,
inspector general's office.
- Oh. How are you?
- Captain, I'm here about your request.
- An investigation of the alleged
shelling at Tai-Dong.
- Alleged?
- Pierce.
- These patients look alleged to you?
- This woman was almost alleged to death.
- Oh, now, Captain, hold it.
Oh! Oh, one of those
"hold it" fellas, huh?
I'm going ahead with this.
I don't care how much you threaten me.
You never threatened him, Major.
Pierce, don't start that
"threatening" talk. I'm warning you!
Captain, I'm here
to get this investigation rolling,
and I'm counting on your cooperation.
I should tell you I admire the courage
it took to report this incident.
Antipersonnel fragments.
Ours. Full set of X rays.
Complete medical profiles
on all the victims.
- Complete.
- Gentlemen, this is a hospital.
Well, these shrapnel fragments
should be the clincher.
There could even be a commendation
in it for you, Pierce.
Oh, no, just a simple
honorable discharge and,
say, 50,000 a year, tax free.
- But that's negotiable.
- Colonel Blake?
Oh, Major Houlihan,
Major Stoner.
- Major.
- Major.
Major, Major Burns,
Major Stoner.
- Major.
- Major.
- Major Pierce.
- Major.
Well, I think we've made
a major breakthrough here.
I was on duty that day with Pierce
and Mclntyre. I was ranking surgeon.
Then you should have
filed the report.
He was involved with a case.
It takes a long time
to filet a patient.
Where do I sign?
The report's already been processed.
Needless to say,
this is very sensitive material.
Top secret.
Total silence must be observed.
Understood, Colonel?
Oh, uh, cross my heart.
And, uh, Pierce,
you'll be hearing from us.
- Good enough.
- Shall we?
Why didn't you let him sign?
Let him?
We begged him to.
We begged him
to do the decent thing.
- Frank?
- Well, how do I know
what the decent thing is?
Clever, the way the cook sculpts grease
into the shape of lamb chops.
- What are we eating?
- Don't ask me.
I only had a year of postmortem.
- Can I get a few details from you?
- About that?
The Tai-Dong business.
I'm filing my own report...
on the number of wounded
and mutilated.
I feel the more,
the merrier, don't you?
- Has a nice Genghis Khan feeling.
- What does that mean?
- Nothing. Welcome aboard.
- Thanks.
- Now, I send this
right to Stoner, right?
- If you can reach him.
A week and a half,
he hasn't come to the phone.
That's a long time to
spend in the bathroom.
Well, he is an officer.
Hey, we made the papers.
"Tai-Dong shelled.
"The army revealed that the
South Korean village ofTai-Dong...
"sustained damage
and casualties...
as a result of
enemy artillery attack."
Enemy artillery?
[Sighs]
Any questions?
Well, I'm certainly glad
the army straightened that out.
Now we know how Dreyfus felt when
he read his story in Stars and Stripes.
Uh, Major Stoner? Yes.
This is the 4077 th MASH calling.
Hold on for Colonel Henry Blake.
You're on.
- [Stoner] Colonel, how are you?
- Not too good, actually.
I just read your story in Stars and
Stripes and my bellybutton fell out.
Who is this?
Captain Pierce?
No. Sucker Pierce and his sidekick,
Huckleberry Dumbbell.
Oh, well, look, Captain,
I just got back from Okinawa,
and the first thing that hit me was
that copy of Stars and Stripes.
- Frankly, I was shocked.
- I would think you would be.
Well, look, Pierce,
I promise you, heads will roll.
I'm going to the top
on this one.
You'll get your satisfaction. The people
ofTai-Dong will be taken care of.
- You have my word.
- Okay, Major. Good-bye.
Bye.
Nu?
The Major happens to be
the Korean distributor for crapola.
Gentlemen, I believe
the ball is in our court.
##
[Pierce's Voice]
"Dear Dad,
"you always said Senator Baxter
was good for a favor...
"because of all your work
in the primaries.
"Well, I got a favor
that needs doing.
There's a little village
over here called Tai-Dong...
or at least there was."
- Want to play sardines tonight?
- Sardines?
My tent.
I'll bring the oil.
- Hawkeye, can I see you for a second?
- One second.
What's up, Radar?
Well, I have this problem.
Radar, Radar, we give you these
lectures, show you these training films.
No, no, come on,
listen, I'm seri...
Uh, if a certain
M.D. Doctor around here...
sent off a certain letter to
a certain male parent, not his mother,
to get in touch with a certain...
senator... about a certain favor,
he shouldn't be too certain
that that letter...
didn't end up in a certain
whole other place.
I didn't do it! Your mail's
being stopped at Division H.Q.!
That letter was between
me and my father, damn it!
Hey! I just got her!
- Now I've gotta glue the arm.
- Ah, glue you, Henry!
Whatever happened
to personal liberty around here?
Why am I bothering to ask?
Maybe I better go to Seoul
and tell this to the papers.
Or to Edward R. Murrow,
if he's in town.
- Pierce.
- What is it? What?
- I wouldn't try to leave camp.
- What, I'm under arrest?
I didn't say that.
You're restricted.
- That means I'm under arrest.
- Not at all.
You're only restricted
up to the point where you're...
uh, where you're, uh...
You're under arrest.
Henry, what's happened to you?
You sneak off
behind our backs and enlist?
- You regular army now?
- Sit down, Pierce! That's an order!
- You're forcing me to stand.
- Please sit down!
- That's an order I can take.
- Now, just hold your bladder, Pierce.
This poop sheet's just come in from
General Clayton's office down in Seoul.
The army has started
rebuilding Tai-Dong.
It's gonna be better
than it ever was.
All-new housing, a temple,
a town hall with inside toilets,
a shopping center and...
they're getting the first soft
ice cream stand in all of East Asia.
- Well?
- That's terrific.
I'm glad.
Now what about rebuilding the truth?
The what?
This is compensation. Where's their
admission of responsibility?
Well, soft ice cream is
a pretty good admission!
- Who are you calling?
- I'm going over your fly
to General Clayton.
- Radar?
- Wait. What do you want
to call the general for?
- You've got one out of two.
You're batting.500!
- Radar!
The general's
on his way here, Hawkeye.
I begged you not to call the general!
Now he's on his way!
- You broke the other arm.
- And I broke the other arm!
I broke...
Here's the glue, sir.
You can't get arms.
Ah, Pierce, Mclntyre.
Nice to see you taking it easy.
- No wounded, huh?
- Except for us.
[Laughs]
That sense of humor.
Disgusting!
Look at them,
sucking up to the general.
- Henry.
- General.
Say, how would you, just to get
it started, like a little refreshment?
You want to slip into
your barbecue apron, Henry?
No, I mean a drink.
How would you like a drink?
- You know, as an icebreaker?
- I don't think that'll be necessary.
Well, I don't either. It was
just a thought. What'll you have?
- My usual.
- Comin' up. One sherry and ginger ale.
All right, men.
Let's talk Tai-Dong.
We get the impression
that your people have been
pouring manure on this whole thing...
in the hope that
something beautiful will grow.
Oh, Pierce, I don't think
you should say "manure" to the general.
- If the shoe fits...
- Well, there is that.
- We've been getting
double-talk in triplicate.
- Unanswered calls.
I've seen the plans
for the rebuilding, General.
- Censored mail.
- Inside toilets, soft ice cream.
Makes you feel
the whole war is worthwhile.
- Hope that's okay.
Little more ginger ale?
- Mmm.
Look, that's fine.
Just bring the check.
We're doing everything we can
for these people.
We've awarded a contractor
a $6 million rebuilding deal.
Oh, that's a fair price
for a $2 million job.
- About $100,000 per head we knocked off.
- Now, hold it, fella.
The other guy did that.
It was a North Korean attack.
It was in all the papers.
Look, General, we operated
on a lot of those casualties.
We got X rays, medical records.
We even got shrapnel fragments.
- You've got 'em all.
- We gave them to Major Stoner.
Stoner? Stoner?
Oh, yes, yes, uh...
He's doing a bang-up job
for COMSERVPAC in Honolulu.
Uh-oh.
Put all your fragments in your
COMSERVPAC and smile, smile, smile.
Look, boys, a little
fatherly advice, huh?
You're not regular army.
You think you're gonna leave here
and pick up your civilian practice
and that's that.
Listen, everything
they put on your record...
like "agitator,"
"boat-rocker"...
is gonna follow you.
The army's got mighty long arms.
- Oh, come on.
- Let me finish, Captain.
I was just gonna suggest that.
You find your work here
difficult, distasteful.
But you are back here,
behind the lines.
It's relatively calm.
Oh, definitely. I was thinking
of building a house here after the war.
You could easily find yourself
assigned to a first-aid station,
right where it's happening.
You serious?
I'm getting pressure from above.
Now, look, let's play ball, huh?
For the good of the outfit.
You don't wanna give the Red, White
and Blue a black eye, do you?
Boy, that gets ya
right where ya live, sir.
I've got to hand it
to you, General.
You buried the evidence, you got rid
of the guy who knew the evidence,
and now if we press this, you'll
take away our breathing privileges.
- Well done, General.
- Take another star out of petty cash.
- General Clayton,
we'd like to see you, sir.
- Not now, ladies.
- I've got a stake in this,
and I won't be left out.
- Fair is fair.
- Major Burns was on duty that day.
- Indeed, I was.
I pulled American shrapnel
out of those poor villagers myself.
- Luckily, he saved
some of the fragments.
- Under my pillow.
The fragment fairy will reward you.
Go on, Frank.
Uh, no need to.
This matter is closed.
They're getting a brand-new temple.
It's never even been prayed in.
I also have these X rays and completely
documented medical records.
- Go, Frank, go.
- Now, commendation
never entered my mind...
when I decided to report this terrible
but very human mistake...
made by a few of our own brutal
but well-meaning fighting men.
The signed affidavits are by Major Burns
and by myself, who was also there.
This requires a little
rethink and reevaluation.
We re-agree with you, General.
- Henry, get me a driver.
- Certainly.
The general's driver's
waiting, sir.
Hell, even the army
has to take its lumps.
I guess this is
one of those times.
- Sir, um...
- We'll send this to you...
after we read our story
in Stars and Stripes.
- Page one this time.
- Not back on page 14
under pro station addresses.
All right, I'll tell you what.
You write it up,
I'll get it printed.
Your gun, sir.
Oh, you forgot your driver!
- Are they something?
- I love 'em.
Take her.
He's mine.
- Stop it! Frank! Frank!
- You leave her alone!
- You leave me alone!
- You know you love it!
[Screaming]
Pierce, you are
a degenerate person!
Uh, Hawkeye?
Hawkeye, you busy?
Just changing a tire.
What is it?
Uh, this letter came special delivery.
I thought it might be important.
- With your luck, you've been drafted.
- Hold this, Nurse.
Hold your own nurse. I'm busy.
[Laughing]
Read the letter.
I'm gonna close the peritoneum.
Give me three-oh chromi G.I.
- Are you ready?
- Yeah.
Uh, "May 24, 1951.
Dear Son..."
- It's from your father.
- Good guess.
Uh, "I'm afraid Senator Baxter
can't be of much help to you.
"It seems he was just indicted
for influence peddling...
and faces 20 years in the pokey."
[Laughing]
Uh, there's more.
"Sure makes me sorry I stuffed
the ballot box for him. Love, Dad."
[Laughing]
Adjust the drip on that I. V.
[Houlihan] Nurse, when you
get a chance, come here.
- Get me a bottle of O-positive blood.
- Yes, sir.
- Okay, okay, suture scissors.
- Scissors.
- Four-oh silk.
- Four-oh silk.
- Beautiful stitching, Frank.
- Thanks.
You used to do
baseball gloves, right?
Just ignore him, Frank.
[Chattering Continues]
Got enough shrapnel here
to make a nine iron.
That's 12 fragments so far.
This guy's a walking junkyard too.
Hey, are all these people Koreans?
Now that you mention it...
If you'd read the surgery schedule,
you'd know they were.
The village ofTai-Dong
was shelled this morning.
Well, they were probably asking for it...
washing their babies,
having breakfast, committing
other acts of aggression.
Hey, I was in Tai-Dong
last week. Forceps.
There's no enemy artillery
anywhere near that place.
I insist on quiet in here!
Will someone please
turn the war down for Frank?
Hey, Trap.
Look at this.
Here we are, and here's
the village of Tai-Dong,
about eight kilometers south...
- Henry?
- Eight kilometers south of us.
I'm listening.
- You mind looking at Korea?
- Every single morning.
You know, I've been here
all these months,
and sometimes I still wake up
and wonder,
"What has my wife
done to the bedroom?"
Henry, this morning
the village ofTai-Dong was shelled,
and the only artillery unit
anywhere near it was the 348th.
Which of them are they?
It is not "they" and it is not "them."
It is "us."
The good guys.
We clobbered 'em.
- Oops!
- At least.
You wanna dig out the "oops" forms
and tell the whole class about it?
- Radar...
- Sir?
Instant corporal.
- You wanna get me the forms...
- Pierce, hold it.
Look, this is
a very serious charge.
You've got to have some proof.
Let's not go off half-cocked.
Well, then let's go off all-cocked,
but let's go off.
- Get me the forms, will you?
- What forms am I getting?
- The ones he wants.
- Oh, that Tai-Dong thing.
Hey. Just what we thought.
I checked with a guy in Artillery.
These fragments are as American
as apple pie and napalm.
Uh, what was that
about proof, Henry?
I just want to remind you
how thrilled the army is
about people who rock the boat.
Women and colonels first, Henry.
Anyway, were not in the army.
That is, were in the army,
but we're not "Army."
Little "A"
as opposed to big "A."
Uh-huh.
Well, you file that report,
and the army's gonna put your big "A"
and your little "A" in a sling.
- Radar, if you want me,
I won't be anywhere.
- Yes, sir.
- Hawkeye? Here you go.
- Is that everything?
You got all the forms?
There's enough red tape in there
to keep anybody happy.
We want the army to take
responsibility for the shelling.
And full compensation
for the village.
- Are you guys making
this report together?
- Why not?
Then afterwards, hand-in-hand,
we're jumping off Lovers' Leap.
Boy, you sure
got guts, sirs.
If we don't, we know where to get 'em.
We're doctors.
Well, I mean, you're the first officers
I ever saw...
who would stick by their principles
no matter what.
Except for that colonel who reported
the P.X. Kickbacks.
- What colonel?
- You know. PrivateJohnson?
[Man On P.A.]
Attention, all personnel.
Due to circumstances
beyond our control,
lunch will be served today.
Before we get to work on these,
how about a wee drop of the creature?
I'm driving,
so I'll just have a double.
- This a new batch?
- The newest.
- Dry enough for you?
- Is what dry enough?
I'm trying a new filter system:
Charcoal and sweat socks.
Okay, let's see here.
"Type of engagement:
Air strike, armored attack,
artillery, atomic."
- Nice, huh? Multiple choice disasters.
- Listen to this.
"In completing attached
form 2759, stroke 6-J-12,
delete printed reference to World War II
and substitute 'Korean Police Action."'
This is surplus.
The least they could do is
give our war its own stationery.
- Well, what have we gotta do here?
- [Door Opens]
Well, I see the bar
is open again, hmm?
Pigpen.
Brothel.
- Here, sir.
- Yo!
- Where's my razor?
- Shaving your legs again, Frank?
I don't think it's so
all-fired sophisticated
to walk around with a beard.
You ought to try it sometime, Frank.
Women love it.
- Oh, I'll bet.
- Really. Come here.
Kiss me.
[Laughing]
- Caught you!
- At what?
Making one of your obscene gestures
behind my back.
- Which one?
- You know, the one that...
Frank.
- Truce, okay? Truce?
- Hah!
Last time we had a truce,
I found peanut butter in my stethoscope.
Frank, we're gonna submit a report
to Seoul about the shelling ofTai-Dong.
We were the three surgeons on duty,
Frank. We all should sign it.
Are you guys loony?
I'm not getting involved.
I'm not signing anything.
And I never knock
any team I'm on.
Frank, I'm sorry, all right?
- For what?
- Everything. All of it.
The... The peanut butter
in your stethoscope.
- The ether in your aftershave.
- And autographing my mother's picture?
"Dear Frank,
Dad was not your father.
- Love, Mom."
- We'll give you a blanket "sorry."
- Just sign this for old times' sake.
- For new times' sake.
I'm not making any waves.
Mm-mm.
Frank, come on, listen. You can't
turn your back on those people.
- You operated on some of them.
- I don't remember operating on anyone.
Oh, really? What about all this iron
confetti you're saving for a souvenir?
Oh, give me those fragments!
You guys are not
gonna get me in Dutch!
Frank, one decent act. If you don't
like it, you don't have to do it again.
Oh, go fish!
[Man On P.A.]
Attention. P.F.C. Lester Pasco...
will pay five dollars
for a hot letter from home.
- [Knocking] Colonel Blake?
- I don't start till 9:00.
Leave your name
with my service.
Sir, this is your service. There's
someone important here to see you.
- How do you know?
- He has a briefcase.
Come in.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Sir, I'll take this stuff back to the
laundry that made this terrible mistake.
- Thank you.
- Colonel, this is Major Stoner,
adjutant inspector general.
Oh, my.
This is somewhat of
a frightening honor.
I'm here because our office
received a form 2759, stroke 6-J-12.
Oh, I can well imagine.
- Look, why don't you just
sit down here, Major?
- Thank you.
Make yourself...
down there.
Uh, just exactly what is...
a 2759, stroke whatever?
I know it's too big
for a shoe size.
This 2759 is what?
It's a request for an investigation
filed by two of your surgeons.
Uh, Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce?
Hawkeye.
Captain John Mclntyre?
Trapper.
- Colonel?
- Hmm?
Uh, this matter
is highly classified.
- Classified?
- Not for everyone's ears?
Oh. Sure.
Well, the corporal's been
thoroughly cleared. I did it myself.
I beg your pardon?
Radar, didn't you fill out
those top secret forms on yourself?
- Yes, sir.
- And didn't I sign where you told me to?
- Oh, yes, sir.
- Well, there you go.
Clear as mother's milk.
Uh, are you clear, Colonel?
Uh, well, didn't we
clear each other?
- Corporal?
- Yes, sir?
- Try "ma'am" once!
- Yes, ma'am. Sorry.
- Where's Colonel Blake?
- He went off with Major Stoner.
- Major Stoner?
- Yes, sir.
- You stand up
when you address an officer!
- Yes, sir!
Now, do I know anything
about this Major Stoner?
I don't know that
you know anything at all, sir.
Where is Major Stoner?
- He's gone off with Colonel Blake.
- I wonder where he's from.
- Bloomington, Illinois.
- What?
The colonel's from Bloomington.
It's a town.
I'm from Iowa myself, which is quite
a coincidence when you think about it.
Where the Major is from.
Oh, he's from
the inspector general's office.
Tai-Dong. Let's go.
You will continue to stand
till I leave your sight!
- It'll be a pleasure, ma'am.
- Sir!
Uh, yes, sir, ma'am.
Change the dressing, Ginger,
and then she can go back
to whatever's left of her home.
- Orders on the other two?
- Yeah, discontinue I.V.,
start 'em on clear liquids.
Ah. Pierce?
Uh, Pierce, this is Major Stoner,
inspector general's office.
- Oh. How are you?
- Captain, I'm here about your request.
- An investigation of the alleged
shelling at Tai-Dong.
- Alleged?
- Pierce.
- These patients look alleged to you?
- This woman was almost alleged to death.
- Oh, now, Captain, hold it.
Oh! Oh, one of those
"hold it" fellas, huh?
I'm going ahead with this.
I don't care how much you threaten me.
You never threatened him, Major.
Pierce, don't start that
"threatening" talk. I'm warning you!
Captain, I'm here
to get this investigation rolling,
and I'm counting on your cooperation.
I should tell you I admire the courage
it took to report this incident.
Antipersonnel fragments.
Ours. Full set of X rays.
Complete medical profiles
on all the victims.
- Complete.
- Gentlemen, this is a hospital.
Well, these shrapnel fragments
should be the clincher.
There could even be a commendation
in it for you, Pierce.
Oh, no, just a simple
honorable discharge and,
say, 50,000 a year, tax free.
- But that's negotiable.
- Colonel Blake?
Oh, Major Houlihan,
Major Stoner.
- Major.
- Major.
Major, Major Burns,
Major Stoner.
- Major.
- Major.
- Major Pierce.
- Major.
Well, I think we've made
a major breakthrough here.
I was on duty that day with Pierce
and Mclntyre. I was ranking surgeon.
Then you should have
filed the report.
He was involved with a case.
It takes a long time
to filet a patient.
Where do I sign?
The report's already been processed.
Needless to say,
this is very sensitive material.
Top secret.
Total silence must be observed.
Understood, Colonel?
Oh, uh, cross my heart.
And, uh, Pierce,
you'll be hearing from us.
- Good enough.
- Shall we?
Why didn't you let him sign?
Let him?
We begged him to.
We begged him
to do the decent thing.
- Frank?
- Well, how do I know
what the decent thing is?
Clever, the way the cook sculpts grease
into the shape of lamb chops.
- What are we eating?
- Don't ask me.
I only had a year of postmortem.
- Can I get a few details from you?
- About that?
The Tai-Dong business.
I'm filing my own report...
on the number of wounded
and mutilated.
I feel the more,
the merrier, don't you?
- Has a nice Genghis Khan feeling.
- What does that mean?
- Nothing. Welcome aboard.
- Thanks.
- Now, I send this
right to Stoner, right?
- If you can reach him.
A week and a half,
he hasn't come to the phone.
That's a long time to
spend in the bathroom.
Well, he is an officer.
Hey, we made the papers.
"Tai-Dong shelled.
"The army revealed that the
South Korean village ofTai-Dong...
"sustained damage
and casualties...
as a result of
enemy artillery attack."
Enemy artillery?
[Sighs]
Any questions?
Well, I'm certainly glad
the army straightened that out.
Now we know how Dreyfus felt when
he read his story in Stars and Stripes.
Uh, Major Stoner? Yes.
This is the 4077 th MASH calling.
Hold on for Colonel Henry Blake.
You're on.
- [Stoner] Colonel, how are you?
- Not too good, actually.
I just read your story in Stars and
Stripes and my bellybutton fell out.
Who is this?
Captain Pierce?
No. Sucker Pierce and his sidekick,
Huckleberry Dumbbell.
Oh, well, look, Captain,
I just got back from Okinawa,
and the first thing that hit me was
that copy of Stars and Stripes.
- Frankly, I was shocked.
- I would think you would be.
Well, look, Pierce,
I promise you, heads will roll.
I'm going to the top
on this one.
You'll get your satisfaction. The people
ofTai-Dong will be taken care of.
- You have my word.
- Okay, Major. Good-bye.
Bye.
Nu?
The Major happens to be
the Korean distributor for crapola.
Gentlemen, I believe
the ball is in our court.
##
[Pierce's Voice]
"Dear Dad,
"you always said Senator Baxter
was good for a favor...
"because of all your work
in the primaries.
"Well, I got a favor
that needs doing.
There's a little village
over here called Tai-Dong...
or at least there was."
- Want to play sardines tonight?
- Sardines?
My tent.
I'll bring the oil.
- Hawkeye, can I see you for a second?
- One second.
What's up, Radar?
Well, I have this problem.
Radar, Radar, we give you these
lectures, show you these training films.
No, no, come on,
listen, I'm seri...
Uh, if a certain
M.D. Doctor around here...
sent off a certain letter to
a certain male parent, not his mother,
to get in touch with a certain...
senator... about a certain favor,
he shouldn't be too certain
that that letter...
didn't end up in a certain
whole other place.
I didn't do it! Your mail's
being stopped at Division H.Q.!
That letter was between
me and my father, damn it!
Hey! I just got her!
- Now I've gotta glue the arm.
- Ah, glue you, Henry!
Whatever happened
to personal liberty around here?
Why am I bothering to ask?
Maybe I better go to Seoul
and tell this to the papers.
Or to Edward R. Murrow,
if he's in town.
- Pierce.
- What is it? What?
- I wouldn't try to leave camp.
- What, I'm under arrest?
I didn't say that.
You're restricted.
- That means I'm under arrest.
- Not at all.
You're only restricted
up to the point where you're...
uh, where you're, uh...
You're under arrest.
Henry, what's happened to you?
You sneak off
behind our backs and enlist?
- You regular army now?
- Sit down, Pierce! That's an order!
- You're forcing me to stand.
- Please sit down!
- That's an order I can take.
- Now, just hold your bladder, Pierce.
This poop sheet's just come in from
General Clayton's office down in Seoul.
The army has started
rebuilding Tai-Dong.
It's gonna be better
than it ever was.
All-new housing, a temple,
a town hall with inside toilets,
a shopping center and...
they're getting the first soft
ice cream stand in all of East Asia.
- Well?
- That's terrific.
I'm glad.
Now what about rebuilding the truth?
The what?
This is compensation. Where's their
admission of responsibility?
Well, soft ice cream is
a pretty good admission!
- Who are you calling?
- I'm going over your fly
to General Clayton.
- Radar?
- Wait. What do you want
to call the general for?
- You've got one out of two.
You're batting.500!
- Radar!
The general's
on his way here, Hawkeye.
I begged you not to call the general!
Now he's on his way!
- You broke the other arm.
- And I broke the other arm!
I broke...
Here's the glue, sir.
You can't get arms.
Ah, Pierce, Mclntyre.
Nice to see you taking it easy.
- No wounded, huh?
- Except for us.
[Laughs]
That sense of humor.
Disgusting!
Look at them,
sucking up to the general.
- Henry.
- General.
Say, how would you, just to get
it started, like a little refreshment?
You want to slip into
your barbecue apron, Henry?
No, I mean a drink.
How would you like a drink?
- You know, as an icebreaker?
- I don't think that'll be necessary.
Well, I don't either. It was
just a thought. What'll you have?
- My usual.
- Comin' up. One sherry and ginger ale.
All right, men.
Let's talk Tai-Dong.
We get the impression
that your people have been
pouring manure on this whole thing...
in the hope that
something beautiful will grow.
Oh, Pierce, I don't think
you should say "manure" to the general.
- If the shoe fits...
- Well, there is that.
- We've been getting
double-talk in triplicate.
- Unanswered calls.
I've seen the plans
for the rebuilding, General.
- Censored mail.
- Inside toilets, soft ice cream.
Makes you feel
the whole war is worthwhile.
- Hope that's okay.
Little more ginger ale?
- Mmm.
Look, that's fine.
Just bring the check.
We're doing everything we can
for these people.
We've awarded a contractor
a $6 million rebuilding deal.
Oh, that's a fair price
for a $2 million job.
- About $100,000 per head we knocked off.
- Now, hold it, fella.
The other guy did that.
It was a North Korean attack.
It was in all the papers.
Look, General, we operated
on a lot of those casualties.
We got X rays, medical records.
We even got shrapnel fragments.
- You've got 'em all.
- We gave them to Major Stoner.
Stoner? Stoner?
Oh, yes, yes, uh...
He's doing a bang-up job
for COMSERVPAC in Honolulu.
Uh-oh.
Put all your fragments in your
COMSERVPAC and smile, smile, smile.
Look, boys, a little
fatherly advice, huh?
You're not regular army.
You think you're gonna leave here
and pick up your civilian practice
and that's that.
Listen, everything
they put on your record...
like "agitator,"
"boat-rocker"...
is gonna follow you.
The army's got mighty long arms.
- Oh, come on.
- Let me finish, Captain.
I was just gonna suggest that.
You find your work here
difficult, distasteful.
But you are back here,
behind the lines.
It's relatively calm.
Oh, definitely. I was thinking
of building a house here after the war.
You could easily find yourself
assigned to a first-aid station,
right where it's happening.
You serious?
I'm getting pressure from above.
Now, look, let's play ball, huh?
For the good of the outfit.
You don't wanna give the Red, White
and Blue a black eye, do you?
Boy, that gets ya
right where ya live, sir.
I've got to hand it
to you, General.
You buried the evidence, you got rid
of the guy who knew the evidence,
and now if we press this, you'll
take away our breathing privileges.
- Well done, General.
- Take another star out of petty cash.
- General Clayton,
we'd like to see you, sir.
- Not now, ladies.
- I've got a stake in this,
and I won't be left out.
- Fair is fair.
- Major Burns was on duty that day.
- Indeed, I was.
I pulled American shrapnel
out of those poor villagers myself.
- Luckily, he saved
some of the fragments.
- Under my pillow.
The fragment fairy will reward you.
Go on, Frank.
Uh, no need to.
This matter is closed.
They're getting a brand-new temple.
It's never even been prayed in.
I also have these X rays and completely
documented medical records.
- Go, Frank, go.
- Now, commendation
never entered my mind...
when I decided to report this terrible
but very human mistake...
made by a few of our own brutal
but well-meaning fighting men.
The signed affidavits are by Major Burns
and by myself, who was also there.
This requires a little
rethink and reevaluation.
We re-agree with you, General.
- Henry, get me a driver.
- Certainly.
The general's driver's
waiting, sir.
Hell, even the army
has to take its lumps.
I guess this is
one of those times.
- Sir, um...
- We'll send this to you...
after we read our story
in Stars and Stripes.
- Page one this time.
- Not back on page 14
under pro station addresses.
All right, I'll tell you what.
You write it up,
I'll get it printed.
Your gun, sir.
Oh, you forgot your driver!
- Are they something?
- I love 'em.
Take her.
He's mine.
- Stop it! Frank! Frank!
- You leave her alone!
- You leave me alone!
- You know you love it!
[Screaming]
Pierce, you are
a degenerate person!
Uh, Hawkeye?
Hawkeye, you busy?
Just changing a tire.
What is it?
Uh, this letter came special delivery.
I thought it might be important.
- With your luck, you've been drafted.
- Hold this, Nurse.
Hold your own nurse. I'm busy.
[Laughing]
Read the letter.
I'm gonna close the peritoneum.
Give me three-oh chromi G.I.
- Are you ready?
- Yeah.
Uh, "May 24, 1951.
Dear Son..."
- It's from your father.
- Good guess.
Uh, "I'm afraid Senator Baxter
can't be of much help to you.
"It seems he was just indicted
for influence peddling...
and faces 20 years in the pokey."
[Laughing]
Uh, there's more.
"Sure makes me sorry I stuffed
the ballot box for him. Love, Dad."
[Laughing]