M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 2, Episode 3 - Radar's Report - full transcript

Every week, one of Radar's duties is to prepare the 4077 Weekly Report. This week, Radar highlights the Chinese POW who went berserk in the O.R. and held everyone at scalpel point, nearly killing Trapper's patient. Lt. Erika Johnson, the new nurse, tried to stop the POW. Corp. Klinger, the one who actually brought down the POW (and lost his very best brassiere in the process) is the big hero. But, Maj. Burns and Maj. Houlihan complained about Klinger; forcing Henry to request a divisional psychiatrist to evaluate Klinger. Enter Major Milton "Sidney" Freedman, psychiatrist and compatriot. Trapper's patient dies, and even he goes a little berserk as he watches the Chinese POW healing nicely. Henry calls it a slow week. Will Klinger sign a document professing to be a homosexual transvestite just to get a Section 8?

[Radar Narrating] To: Headquarters,
Seoul, Commanding General.

From:4077th MASH,

Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake,
commanding officer.

Subject: Weekly activity report
and personnel record.

Period: 17 October, 22 October,

inclusive, 1951.

17 October.

Incoming wounded unusually heavy.

All surgical personnel
on full alert working 24 hours.

[Woman Giggling]

Radar?



Uh, would you toss me the keys
to the linen room, please?

Thanks, pal.

[Narrating]
Among incoming surgical cases:

One enemy prisoner.

Subheading: Infantry.
Subheading: Chinese Communist.

Description of prisoner
wound attached...

see schedule under Wounds,
Chinese, Communist.

Details of incident
in O.R. Follows.

Pickups. You're new here.

Yes, sir.
Lieutenant Erika Johnson.

You're built very nicely
for a lieutenant.

Another suture.
I'm Hawkeye.

A little suction here, okay?
Nice touch.

Beautiful eyes.
If you do windows, you're hired.



- There's too much chatter in here.
- [Blake] Forget it, Frank.

- Just operate.
- Is that what he's doing?

I've seen better surgeons
at religious sacrifices.

I've been operating for years and never
had any complaints from my patients.

How many talking horses are there?

- Got any plans for later?
- No.

More suction.
How about a cup of coffee?

Go for a ride in an ambulance
with the top down?

- Okay.
- Great.

Just my luck, under that mask
you don't have any teeth.

In that case, the date's off.

Not necessarily.
I've been here a long time.

Okay, this kid's all ready to go.
He's all retreaded.

Let's go. Get him out of here.
Come on. Let's go.

You're gonna be okay, pal.

You got a new team here?

Oh, boy, look what this guy's got.

Look at that.

What is this?
Are we operating on Communists now?

He's a wounded prisoner, Frank.
They brought him in with the last batch.

- He's had 50 of Demerol.
- [Mclntyre] Take it easy, Hawk.

The way they're brainwashed, he thinks
we're gonna carve him up and eat him.

Bungchow.
That means peace and friendship.

Gwen, let me see
this other picture here.

He's got a small bullet wound
in the rump.

Yeah. Okay, put him under.

In cases like this, an hour after
you operate you're hungry again.

- [People Gasping]
- Hey, kiddo, get back on the table!

Get away from here, you nut!

All right, watch it.
He's got a knife.

- What's he gonna do?
- [Nurse] Careful.

All right, just stay calm everybody.

Don't panic. Calm down.

Nobody move.

Help, guard! Mayday!

- Bungchow!
- Somebody grab him!

Bungchow! Bungchow!

- [Screaming]
- [Shrieking]

There goes the I.V.!
He's contaminated the whole field!

And that's the last bottle
of A-B negative blood we've got. Nurse!

Bungchow! Oh, please, bungchow!

Easy. It's okay now.
No one's gonna hurt you. Just give...

No, no, no.
No one's gonna hurt you.

Give me the knife. Come on.

Give me the knife. Come on.

- [Screams]
- Give me a sponge.

- She's hurt!
- Okay, kid, relax.

Just take it easy now.
Just calm down.

Take it easy.
It's all right.

What's all the hoo-ha?

Are you crazy?
You wrecked a $39 dress.

Your people will pay for this.

[Narrating] Father Mulcahy tried to
calm the prisoner by yelling "bungchow,"

thinking it was Chinese
for peace and friendship.

Unfortunately, it really means,

"Your daughter's pregnancy
brings much joy to our village. "

P. W. Surgery completed
by Captain Pierce.

Prisoner recaptured
by Corporal Max Klinger...

who sustained loss of personal property.

Please see requisition form S427J-9...

requesting replacement
of one brassiere...

brand name, Miss High Rise,

36 B-cup.

I had that kid five,
maybe ten minutes away from closing.

- How could you let him grab a knife?
- New experience for me too.

My patients don't grab a knife
until after they've seen the bill.

He's going sour on me, you know.

Temperature 102.
Vital signs are lousy... the works.

I every confidence in you,
Dr. Hackenbush.

Here.
I made you a nice cup of tea.

I don't feel like any.

You make it very hard
for a guy to be a Gray Lady.

Chateau Hawkeye, '51.

A very good year.

A cheeky little wine. They call it
the "rascal of the vineyards."

Red or white?

Hash for dinner.
I think red.

I'm bringing this to Erika's.

Just like you to poison
an innocent girl.

- How's she doing?
- Oh, she's fine.

Prisoner winged her. Superficial, but
it should be good for a week in Tokyo.

- Accompanied by her personal physician.
- Personal physician.

It figures.
Cutting up a nurse is bad enough.

But why did he have to
louse up my patient?

Come on, Trap. Ease off.
The guy was terrified out of his skull.

I'll tell that to the kid in bed six.

If I ever get him conscious again.

You do your part and I'll do mine.

[Man Over P.A.]
Attention, Major Houlihan.

Your chest X-rays are ready
and they really came out beautiful.

Pierce, what's the big idea
saluting me?

We all have our bad days, Frank.

- [Growls]
- What are you doing?

Can't a guy have a wash and set
without somebody biting him on the neck?

- Biting who?
- I was biting you.

- No, you were biting me!
- Klinger, what are you doing in here?

Borrowing your shampoo, Major. It's
wartime. We all gotta help each other.

No, we don't!
You get out of here, you pervert!

Pervert? Who bit who, Major?

Out!

Out!

[Grunts]

I've had enough of his shenanigans.
I'm going to talk to Henry.

I want that freak out of this outfit
and out of the U.S. Army!

Frank, you're so exciting
when you get all riled up and decisive.

- I am?
- Would you like to bite the real thing?

Ah. That's really nice.

- Thanks. Is this wine?
- Well, you could call it that.

Just keep it away from
open flame or living tissue.

- I'm glad you're feeling better.
- Just a bit throbby, that's all.

- In a way, I'm not sorry it happened.
- Come again?

We can always tell our children,
"Your mother and I met at a stabbing.

We were introduced by a berserk Chinese
Communist. It was love at first blood."

- What's the prognosis?
- I'm afraid I have bad news for you.

- What?
- You have only ten seconds to kiss me.

Let's listen to the old heart, shall we?

[Clears Throat]

Listen, Lieutenant,
I gotta shove off.

- But you just got here.
- Well, there's a lot... [Stammering]

- What?
- A lot of sick people.

At ease, everybody.
Sit if you like.

- Burns, you wanted to see me?
- Yes, and it's very important.

- What's the problem, Frank?
- We have a situation that's out of hand.

- Something has to be done.
- I've sent for Corporal Klinger, sir.

- What do I want Klinger for?
- Because it directly concerns him.

- Send for him right away, Radar.
- Yes, sir.

- Go ahead, Frank.
- Corp. Klinger has got to go.

He's a menace to the discipline and
morale of this military establishment.

That's a very serious charge.
Get Klinger over here right away.

Yes, sir.

- Colonel...
- Frank, please try to say something.

Even a gurgling sound would help.

Look, you keep this up and someone's
gonna do an autopsy on you.

I've had it with that clown Klinger!

He's degraded all of us
for the last time.

Corp. Klinger reporting, sir.

- Please, sit down.
- Thank you.

At ease.

Okay, he's here. Let's have it.
What's wrong with Klinger?

"What's wrong with Klinger"?

A soldier stands in your office in an
evening gown and you ask what's wrong?

I'll admit, he's no Lana Turner.

I don't usually wear
floor-length during the day.

- Oh.
- [Burns] Henry?

This moron is bucking for a section 8,
and I want you to help him get it.

Bless you, sir.

Section eight is
a pretty drastic matter.

Believe me, sir, I am drastic.

Colonel, we can always take it
directly to the adjutant general.

[Radar Narrating] Acting on complaint
of Majors Burns and Houlihan,

Col. Blake has requested
psychiatrist from headquarters...

to determine if Corp. Klinger
can be discharged...

under section eight.

[Sighs]
Crazy people.

- Did I tell you?
- What?

I told you you'd pull that kid through
and you did with your own two heads.

- I guess I'm some kind of a genius.
- You're just too dumb to know it.

Fill her up please, pal.
Everything under the hood is okay.

- I meant to ask you, how's Erika?
- Oh, she's fine.

- But I don't feel good. She's married.
- Married?

Married, as in "I love you,
but you never take me anywhere."

- Married. It's a very common illness.
- So, what's the problem?

I guess I'll have to junk
a few of my fantasies,

like walking off with the lieutenant
hand-in-hand in the sunset.

Oh. [Chuckles]
It's like that.

I thought you were gonna give her one
of your dancing lessons without music.

Well, so did I, and then all of a sudden
everything changed in mid-lechery.

Hey, look. How many
alternatives do you have?

You can stay in there
and keep pitching,

or you can back off
and start with somebody else.

You know something?

For a man with a slow leak in his head,
sometimes you think pretty good.

Trapper, the O.R. Just sent me over.

- Yeah, what is it?
- Your patient. He's in big trouble.

Did they say what kind of trouble?

Internal bleeding,
deep shock, like that.

Great little war we got here, huh?

I can do without it.

[Narrating]
19 October.

Number of incoming wounded
decreased.

Capt. Mclntyre's patient critical.

Chinese P. W. Making postop recovery.

Lt. Erika Johnson recuperating...

under personal supervision
of Capt. Pierce.

Under personal supervision
of Capt. Pierce.

Request by Col. Blake
for section eight evaluation...

of Corp. Max Klinger has been approved.

Maj. Milton Freedman,

divisional medical staff psychiatrist,

arrives tomorrow.

- Yeah?
- This way, sir.

He's bucking for psycho, and giving
everybody a swift pain in the butt.

The question is,
should he have it?

How do you feel about it?

You're the doctor. Radar.

He's here, sir.

Corp. Klinger, this is Maj. Freedman,
divisional psychiatrist.

Major, sir.

You got me up here to ask me about him?
About that?

Well, you see,
it really wasn't my idea.

All the way from Seoul to ask me what?

Whether he needs a girdle under that?
Whether his seams are straight?

Okay, okay,
it's all part of the war, I guess.

I have a few questions to ask you.
Sit down, soldier.

Yes, sir.

Now, what's your name, honey?

Normal.

If you were any more normal,
you'd be sick.

What is it?

- Why do I wanna kiss your thermometer?
- Oh, come on.

I never wanted to kiss anybody else's.
Believe me, I could've kissed thousands.

I did my residency in a big
general hospital. Every day I could...

Hawkeye, what's wrong?

Us, you, me, him.
You name it.

What am I doing? What am I doing?
Wh-What am I doing?

Whatever it is, I approve.

You're married, madam. You're
a married madam. Why don't I go away?

- Hawkeye, I am not married.
- Your finger's just turning gold?

That's my grandmother's.
It cuts down on wrestling matches.

- You're not married?
- Never have been.

Move over, Lieutenant.

- Was it really that important?
- Even before I knew if you had teeth.

[Man Over P.A.] Don't panic, folks.
It's just the generator again.

- I wanna go order the invitations.
- You're moving a little fast.

No, not really.
We'll take our time, think it over.

Then we'll get married
when we're ready, like tomorrow.

It'll be a quiet ceremony. Just the
immediate family and the Eighth Army.

- I have a confession to make.
- What's that?

I never wanted to kiss
your thermometer.

[Man Over P.A.] Capt. Pierce,
report to O.R. Immediately.

Capt. Pierce to O.R. On the double.

I'll be right back.

Don't go anywhere.
Don't do anything.

- Don't get married.
- Don't worry.

- So, what's the picture?
- I gotta go back in on the kid in bed 6.

He's got an abscess... fever, secondary
infection, elevated white count.

- Bingo.
- Yeah.

I tapped a gallon of pus
out of him this afternoon.

Didn't do any good. All on account
of that idiot with the knife.

Hey, you wanna
hear some good news?

You ready?
Erika's not married.

- Who?
- Erika!

You're working with
a terminal bachelor.

- Great.
- How'd you like to be second best man?

You'll have to shave, of course.

All right, come on.
Let's go. Let's go.

Mclntyre, wait.

What do you mean?

- When?
- A minute ago.

[Door Opens]

So you're doing okay, huh?

Getting all that juice you need?

Trapper?

Trap?

That's not what we're about.

- Sign it. You'll have your wish.
- What does it say?

It says I've examined you
and found you to be a transvestite...

and a homosexual.

- You may also have postnasal drip.
- I ain't any of those.

- You ain't Errol Flynn either.
- Where do you come off calling me that?

I think I got the idea
from your cleavage.

Now, this will be
on your record permanently.

From here on,
you go through life on high heels.

- Sign it.
- The hell I will.

I'm just crazy.
All I want is a section eight.

You know what
you can do with this.

Hey, soldier.

You forgot your purse.

- Hawkeye?
- Hey, Erika. Come on in.

Hey.

Ooh, so this is the Swamp.

Famous in song and story. Haven't
changed a thing since Valentino died.

Uh, you shaved this morning, didn't you?

That's right, and I'm gonna
shave again later on.

- Little drinky for the memsahib?
- Why not?

From now on, I shave constantly.
Beards are for bachelors.

Uh, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

It's all over camp
we're getting married.

Don't you think we oughta talk about it
before you start knitting little things?

Be gentle with me.
I've never, uh...

I've never caught the bouquet before.

Quite honestly, Hawkeye,

I have certain very definite
doubts about marriage.

Now you tell me, after I shave?

Quiet honestly,
it's just not in my plans.

- I thought we had something going here.
- We do, something very strong.

So why superimpose marriage on it?

Well, it's been known to work.

- Mom was married. Dad was married.
- My parents were married too.

Everybody I know is. It's the world's
2nd largest industry, after bubble gum.

It's just not my favorite institution.

##[Radio: "As Time Goes By"]

[Sighs]
Just what I needed... their song.

Be honest, Hawk.

Don't you think you're wanting
to get married is kind of a war thing?

No. I'd love you in war and peace.

Or Moby Dick.
Any of the classics.

Well, the boot is finally
on the other foot.

You know how many times I've told women
there may not be any tomorrow?

There may not be.

I've got orders for Tokyo.

- I'll be leaving in the morning.
- No kidding.

No kidding.

Well,

if we can't have the marriage, how about
a very short, intense engagement?

Would you sign this, please, sir?

Just exactly what am I signing?

This week's activity
and personnel report.

- Didn't I sign it?
- That was last week.

- Oh. Is it now already?
- Yes, sir. Here, sir.

- Can I read it?
- Yes, sir.

You never let me read
anything I'm signing.

Sometimes I get the feeling you're
trying to hide the war from me, Radar.

- No, sir, no.
- I'll be the judge of what's here.

"Chinese Communist prisoner
berserk in O.R.

"Wounds Lt. Erika Johnson
and contaminated one surgical case.

- Right, sir.
"Psycho examination...

[Mumbling]

Corporal Klinger."

Did you see that number Klinger was
wearing in the mess tent this morning?

- The tight little green satin job?
- I must have missed it.

Whew. It was a head snapper.

Okay.
"Lt. Johnson reassigned, Tokyo.

"Dr. Mclntyre lost patient
due to complications in O.R. Incident.

Yes, sir.

Wounded Chinese prisoner recovering."

- Well, every week can't be exciting.
- No, sir.

Okay.

There may be a golf ball
in your office.

- I'll try and find it.
- Thank you.