M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 2, Episode 24 - A Smattering of Intelligence - full transcript

A helicopter crash introduces the 4077 to Colonel Sam Flagg, the well-built (says Hotlips) paranoid with a broken arm who refuses all painkillers. Colonel Flagg (who can also be identified as Major Brooks, Lt. Carter, Ensign Troy and Capt. Louise Klein) is CIA. Meanwhile, Trapper's friend, Vinny Pratt, also drops in; Vinny is Intelligence (G-2) and he wants to find out what Flagg is doing. Flagg is BIG, so his operation must be crucial. Because of Fr. Mulcahy, Vinny cannot be Capt. Perkins the priest, so he becomes Capt. Stone, the engineer. Vinny Pratt introduces himself to Henry as Major Strauss G-2 and tells Henry to call him Pratt. Flagg tells Hawkeye Flagg is Carter and Stone is really Martinez; so, if Martinez is there, the operation must be really BIG. Flagg is in the CID; he tells people he is CIA because it throws off people who think he is CIC. Then, Flagg re-breaks his own arm so he can continue treating...and spying. The surgeons have had more "intelligence" for one lifetime, Radar cables Tijuana for Flagg: "Mary had a little lamb. Stop. My dog has fleas. Stop. Mairzy doats and dozey doats, and I'll be home for Christmas. Signed: Your loving son, Queen Victoria." Pratt says HE is Mary. The guys bring the spy nonsense to a head by "doctoring" personnel files. Is Frank Burns a Communist, like Flagg believes? Or is he a Fascist, as Pratt suspects? It may be off to the Lubyanka, or some other gulag, for old Ferret Face.

[Houlihan] Slight temperature, Doctor.
He's responding to antibiotics.

Okay, continue treatment.

Try to get better by 6:00. I'm going to
the movies and I wanna have a free mind.

- How come you're not responding to me?
- Pardon?

I put on something I thought
would drive you wild.

- What?
- Clean socks.

Sir, a helicopter crashed.

There's a broken arm in O.R.

Let's hope there's a patient attached.

Major, give me a hand.
Later I'll give you one of mine.

- Much pain?
- Not bad.



- Clean up the abrasions.
- Yes, Doctor.

Colonel Flagg's X ray, sir.

What happened to the chopper pilot?

He walked away without a scratch.

Probably asleep at the wheel.
That makes you nice and relaxed.

Colonel, you got a fractured radius.
Congratulations.

Congratulations?

Yeah, you might have landed on your head
and screwed yourself into the ground.

Just get on with it, huh?

- Major, expose the arm, please.
- Yes, Doctor.

Oh.

Ever thought of going
into burlesque, Colonel?

- I'm terribly sorry.
- Then try to look it.

- What kind of a place is this?
- What do you care?



We're open 24 hours a day
and the second cup of coffee is free.

- Morphine.
- No morphine for me.

- Well, it's certainly not for me.
- Colonel, this will be very painful.

- Forget it.
- Perhaps you'd care to bite on a bullet.

Just do it.

Stockinette, please.

[Whistling]

I want to talk
to your commanding officer.

Well, right after we set this,
we x-ray it.

And if it's not right,
we do it again.

Then you can see
my commanding officer,

who's not right,
but he won't let us do him again.

- What's your name, fella?
- Dr. Wasserman.

I'm looking for a cure for V.D.
And I thought I'd start here. Ready?

- Uh, sir?
- Yo.

Colonel Flagg is right outside...
inside here, sir.

Oh, Colonel Flagg.

Colonel, I want to talk to you
in private, without the corporal.

Oh, you can say
anything you want in front of him.

Okay, I will.
Get out.

Yes, sir.

- I see they got the wing patched up.
- Yeah.

- Care for a belt?
- No, thank you.

Hot enough for ya?

- Colonel.
- Colonel?

What's your... clearance?

Oh, I go through the door
with about an inch to spare.

I mean, security-wise.

Oh, well, we're a hospital.

Colonel,

I'm gonna have to trust you.

Well, believe me,
you can, Colonel Flagg.

Major Brooks.

Lieutenant Carter.

Ensign Troy.

Captain Louise Klein?

I'm C.I.A.

C.I.A.? Wow!

That damn chopper crash may have ruined
a very sensitive mission.

Colonel Flagg was never here.
Tell your people.

You can fill out a file on me
using any one of these.

Right. Uh, just let me
get your names down here.

Don't write.

Memorize. One.

And don't use "Louise."
I'll need that next week in Tokyo.

Right.

I don't know how long I'll be here.
That all depends on H.Q.

- H.Q.
- H.Q.? Whoever told you about H.Q.?

- Well, you told me, Colonel Flagg.
- Who's Colonel Flagg?

I mean, I, uh... Gee, could...
could I just look at the cards again?

I forgot who all of you are.

Step outside, Colonel.
I wanna make a call.

All right.
Can I get the number for you?

I don't know the number.

Then how do you make the call?

I have to throw up.

The number's in a capsule.

Well, I'll just run along then.

- Colonel.
- Hmm?

- Not a word.
- Oh, don't worry, Colonel.

I don't wanna get in Dutch.

Dutch?

Colonel, I'm authorized to kill...

without requesting permission
from my superiors.

Oh. Well, I imagine that
cuts down on the old paperwork.

You'll never know what hit you.

Your toothbrush
could go off in your mouth.

You could find a tarantula
in your shorts.

We could booby-trap a nurse.

- Hey, sirs.
- And ma'am.

And ma'am.

Boy, did I ever just hear something
by accident in the office.

You've been giving the wall
a physical again, Radar?

Sit down and tell us.

Uh, Corporal O'Reilly's
high chair, please.

You know that Colonel Flagg?
You fixed his arm?

He's a C.P.A.

No, really. I heard him
tell Colonel Blake to keep it quiet,

that he's on a secret mission.

Radar, you mean C.I.A.

Wow!

- To think I took his shirt off.
- Well, why would you do that?

I had to break his arm, Frank.
He was lusting after Margaret.

Those guys are doped up
most of the time, you know.

Doped up on patriotism, fella.

- Something in short supply here.
- Amen.

Radar, we're running low.
Get another order of Yankee Doodle.

Yes, sir.

Gee, what a screwy bunch.

- Can you believe that Frank?
- They might make him the 49th state.

Don't move.
You're under arrest.

Vinny Pratt!
What a small war.

TrapperJohn Mclntyre,
the old dirty doctor.

Vinny Pratt, Hawkeye Pierce.

Vinny and I go way back.
I introduced him to his wife.

Now you're here to kill him, right?

- Care for a belt?
- No, thanks. I'm here on business.

You?

Trap.

Can I talk in front of him?

Go ahead.
I had his tongue cut out.

- Makes it very hard to lick stamps.
- I'm with Intelligence.

G2.

Our people monitored a call from here.

You have a Colonel Flagg
on some kind of a mission.

His chopper crashed.
He broke his arm.

Oh. That old trick.

What trick? I set the arm.
I saw the X rays.

Well, believe me, if I know Flagg,

he ordered the chopper to crash,
got out and hit himself with a hammer.

Come on.

It's a switch on the way
he infiltrated the C.I.D. Last year.

He drove his jeep into a wall,
set himself on fire.

Is this guy available
for kids' parties?

Why would this character
wanna infiltrate a hospital?

Well, that's what
I'm here to find out...

what they're up to and stop them.

I don't get it.
What do you mean "they," "them"?

Aren't "them" all part of"we"?
Isn't "them" "us"?

Steady, pal.

They always try to make a big score
around appropriation time.

A little showboat for the Senate.

Now, last year they beat us
out of $20 million.

Oh, you could make that up
out of petty cash.

There must be something pretty big
cooking here for them to send Flagg.

My orders are to find out what that is.

From now on, I'm Captain Perkins.
Priest.

We already got a priest.

Well, then I'm Captain Stone.
Engineer.

- Colonel Blake?
- Yeah?

There's a Captain Stone out there
that's in here too, sir.

Colonel Blake.

- Captain Stone.
- That's not my real name.

- Oh, boy.
- I'm Major Strauss. G2.

- Hey, what's going on with you guys?
- "Guys"?

I never heard of Colonel Flagg.

Let me level with you, Colonel.

My people wanna know
what Flagg's people are up to.

Why do we have to be in the middle?
Can't you let my people go?

I expect your full cooperation,
Colonel.

- Look, give me a break, Strauss.
- Call me Pratt.

- But Stone is definitely out?
- Out.

Man alive,
I'm trying to run a hospital,

be an administrator, give orders.

I've got no time for Intelligence.
All this cloak-and-dagger stuff.

Full cooperation, Colonel.

What's this?

Paid bill from the Happy Hour Motel,
Elkhart, Indiana.

June 1948.

That is your signature, isn't it,
"Mr. Carl Williams and daughter"?

Beside the blurred
license plate number?

- So?
- So,

the electric blanket control
in Room 312 was a microphone.

Holy cow!

The doorknob was a camera.

Linda Collins.

That rent-a-car girl
in Houston. Remember?

The A.M.A. Convention in '49.

They were folding the chairs
by the time you finally got there.

Hey, where did you get this stuff?

We've got files on people
who haven't been born yet.

Well, I'd deny it. Anybody
that says I don't is a dirty liar.

- Uh-huh.
- I mean, who's gonna believe this?

Nobody except your immediate family.

I'll leave you a copy.

Hey, this is nothing but
a pack of filthy, lying lies,

which is beneath
my contempt about it,

and you can count on my full
and fearful cooperation.

Hey, how about a little golf?
I need the money.

Don't be so smart, or I'll x-ray that
and show you what you're eating.

- Who you doing?
- Flagg. I wanna check his arm.

Can you believe those guys? We're
a hospital, and they're playing spy.

I have a good mind
to write my congressman.

With invisible ink, of course.

- Chasing their own tails.
- Shall we make it more interesting?

- Uh-huh.
- Tell Captain Stone I'll see him next.

- Mm-hmm. You got it.
- Okay.

- Captain Stone?
- Sit right there at the table, please.

- Engineer?
- I hear he moonlights as a priest.

His name is not Stone.
It's really Martinez.

How do you know, Colonel Flagg?

My name is not Flagg.
Ask your C.O. It's Carter.

Uh-huh.

Can I trust you, Pierce?

If that's who I am.

I'm with the C.I.D., although
I told your boss I was with the C.I.A.

It throws people off
who think I'm with the C.I.C.

I'll go along with you there.

If his people sent Martinez,
then there's something big brewing here.

- Hmm. Probably.
- I'm not leaving till I find out what.

Well, I can't give you
a medical excuse.

I did too good a job on your arm.

- You did, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

[Yells]

Well, now I can give you
a medical excuse.

All right, Corporal,
read back what you've got.

Uh, yes, sir.

"To the Far East Export-Import Company,

27 Zapata Circle, 'Ti-joo-ana', Mexico."

- Right. Go on.
- Yes, sir.

"Mary had a little lamb. Stop.

My dog has fleas. Stop."

Good. There's a bit more.

Mairzy doats and dozey doats,

and I'll be home for Christmas.

You got that?

Uh... Uh, just a moment, sir.

Uh, okay.

Sign it:

Your loving son,

Queen Victoria.

Really?

You told me to keep you up
on what he's doing.

- "Mary had a little lamb."
- He knows I'm here.

- How?
- I'm Mary.

I hate to tell you this, Mary,
but your dog has fleas.

Mm-hmm. We're both
on the same trail.

But he's waiting
for me to bird-dog.

You do, and you'll clean it up.

- Can this man be trusted?
- He's true-blue.

- I wanna use him for messages.
- He's perfect. Fits into any envelope.

Aw, come on.

I can't surface.
He's got me tagged.

I'm G2.

- You're to keep him under surveillance.
- Colonel Flagg?

- Queen Victoria.
- Major Carter.

- They're all him.
- Or her, as the case may be.

I think I understand.

- Then you're the only one.
- Go, son.

Radar. If you're captured,
you'll have to eat those binoculars.

What's Flagg's target?

What's his caper?

Could it be a patient?
A nurse?

A doctor?

- Hello, Frank.
- Hi, Frank.

A lot you care.

Oh. I don't believe
I've had the pleasure.

Oh. Old buddy of mine.

Captain Stone, engineer.

- Major Burns, doctor, surgeon.
- Staff paranoid.

Uh, what brings you
to the 4077 th, Captain?

- Survey mission, Major.
- Oh.

Corps of Engineers believes that
army hospitals can not only be mobile...

but amphibious.

I've had that idea for a long time.

Put the hospital, the O.R., the lab,
the whole shebang up on pontoons...

and head for the high seas.

We could call ourselves
the Titanic.

Captain, I'm afraid your friend here
and his friend here...

derive perverted pleasure from playing
down American ingenuity and know-how.

That's true. I was among those
who said this hospital would never fly.

I love this country more
than both of you put together.

I'll tell ya, when that flag goes up
the pole every morning, I go with it.

We have a hell of a time at night
folding him and putting him away.

Oh, hooey balooey.

Well, good luck on your project,
Captain, and... anchors aweigh.

- Pretty gung ho.
- #And I don't care #

You know, I sometimes wonder about Frank
and his wall-to-wall patriotism.

They say Benedict Arnold
used to be the first one to stand...

whenever Washington came into the room.

But the minute Washington left,

he started throwing erasers
and tried to take over the country.

There is the type
who protest too much.

- That's right.
- Oh, yeah.

I think I'll have
a little look-see into his file.

- [Mclntyre] Right now?
- No.

If I ask the colonel
to see the major's file...

and they're co-subversives
in sub-security profile,

they'll do the old dossier switcheroo,
and I'll chalk up a zilch.

Boy, I wish you came
with English subtitles.

He means he'll sneak into
the files tonight. Right?

It's called breaking and entering.

Good thing you're a cop.
Otherwise, that's illegal. You know?

[Flagg] I've asked you to
have a drink because I need help.

Now, from the complaints I've heard,
you're my kind of people.

Military, dedicated...

and a little bit fanatic
about good sense.

That's us.

I think I can trust you. I'm...

I'm with the C.I.C.

- Not the C.I.A.?
- No.

I just tell people that
so they'll think I'm with the C.I.D.

I think I understand.

Now, you people got yourself a snootful
of security problems around here.

Either of you know a G2 man named Stone?

He's an engineer. You're crazy, buddy.
[Chuckling]

Call me that again, I'll reach into
your throat and pull your heart out.

Please, Frank.
I've seen him with his shirt off.

I've got to know who
or what this Stone's after.

Then you should see my file.

He's kept a complete list
of everybody in this camp...

who's ever been subversive or promoted
ahead of certain other doctors...

just because they showed off
by saving more lives.

- I'd like to have a glimmer at that.
- Radar!

- I'm not, sir.
- You're not what?

You're eavesdropping.

Corporal.

Sir?

How'd you like a nose full of nickels?

Not a whole lot, sir.

- Do you like the jukebox, son?
- Oh, yes, sir.

Well, if you don't get lost, I'm gonna
put your head through the glass...

and pull it out through the coin return.

Anything else, sir,
before I go to the latrine?

- Disappear.
- Mm-hmm.

I heard him.
He's going into Major Burns' file.

Well, looks like we're gonna
have a doubleheader tonight.

We should let Flagg go first.
He's the senior crazy.

- Do you know what he said to me?
- Wait a minute.

Hawk, shall we make Frank's files
a little more colorful?

Good idea, Raleigh.
What'd he say to you, Radar?

He said he was gonna
shove nickels up my nose.

No kidding.
What song was he gonna play?

[Snoring]

Is that the signal?

Either that
or Marlene Dietrich's back in town.

Go, tiger.

[Flagg]
Burns, get up! Let's go, mister!

- What is it?
- You're under arrest as a subversive.

Whatever game you're playing,
I've got enough pictures of your file...

to have you executed
for the rest of your life.

- Subversive?
- Can't be.

He's got every record
Kate Smith ever made.

- Get dressed. You're coming with me.
- Hold it, Flagg. He's mine.

- You'll have to take a number and wait.
- Or call ahead.

Everybody wants to arrest Frank Burns
this time of year.

Arrest me?
What for, for heaven's sake?

- You're a communist.
- He's a fascist.

I'm not either.
I'm nothing.

We'll vouch for that.

I got a list of 17 left-wing charities
and organizations you've contributed to.

I never gave a dime to charity.

I believe every man
has the right to be poor.

That doesn't explain
these communist front groups.

Those were just a front for these.

Aha.
There's a new front moving in.

This shows your
radical right-wing activities,

from being an usher
at a Bund meeting in 1939...

to pledging $25 to
a Martin Bormann telethon in Argentina.

There's more here, Comrade Burns.

What?

Frank, you're entitled
to one phone call to the Kremlin.

Do you deny that last month in Tokyo
you attended the Russian Ballet?

What's wrong with going to the ballet,
for Pete's sake?

That's how you people operate.

Today you're dancing in Tokyo,
tomorrow all over Washington.

You gotta keep on your toes
with the Russian Ballet.

Now about this little item? Running
a linen laundry for the Ku Klux Klan?

I never! It's a lie!
They're all lies!

- Well, somebody's lying.
- [Mclntyre] That's right.

And we know who it is.

It's us.

You two were so intent on finding
some breach of security, some leak.

You don't need the real thing.
You guys are self-leaking.

Trying to protect your jobs
until you get to the old spies home.

- You could do ten years for this.
- For doctor file doctoring?

You can't arrest us.
We got a run-of-the-war contract.

Choppers! Choppers, sirs.
Incoming wounded.

Fellas, it's been both a privilege
and a nightmare meeting you.

Trap, I owe you one.
You really hit me below the belt.

Come see me.
I do hernias.

Let's get to work, Frank.

Say "sieg heil" or "or-chi-chornya"
to the nice gentlemen.

You've slandered one of
the finest Americans since my father.

Buy you a cup of coffee, Sam?

Why not?

[Flagg's Voice] The following
is a joint surveillance report,

C.I.A., G2, relative
to personnel investigated,

MASH 4077th.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce.

CaptainJohn Mclntyre.

Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake.

Major Margaret Houlihan
and Major Frank Burns.

Corporal Radar O'Reilly.

Final recommendation, MASH 4077th:

Strongly suggest continued observation.