M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 2, Episode 22 - George - full transcript
Working on the four-time wounded and highly decorated Private Weston, Frank asks Hawkeye if he is paid hourly; and Trapper serenades the O.R. Hawkeye notices all of Weston's bruises and injuries seem to result from brawling; Weston confesses he is gay. Frank finds out and wants to report Weston as subversive, unfit for duty and get him a Dishonorable Discharge. The guys know they cannot appeal to Frank's better self so they resort to the tried and true method: blackmail.
Attention, all personnel.
Wounded arriving at helipad.
All hospital staff now on alert.
- Clamp.
- Suture. Where's that sponge, nurse?
Let's get this lamp straightened out.
Vite, vite!
OK, Pierce. Anytime now.
He gets a nickel deposit back on that.
Getting paid by the hour?
If I close him before every fragment's out,
we'll invalidate his warranty. Permanently.
- How's it going?
- On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
Another subcue suture.
Come on, I'm on a hot streak.
Will you shut up?
- Everything OK, Trapper?
- Fine, Father.
Keep your fingers crossed.
Trouble tying the vessel off?
I thought you read that chapter last night.
Some more butter for your fingers, Frank?
Relax. I'll retract the nerve,
you suture the muscle.
- Thanks.
- Can you see all right?
Fine. Very kind of you to help, Pierce.
Maybe we can
go into partnership after the war.
I'll handle the surgery
and you do whatever it is you do.
I hate sunrise.
And those damn birds'll
start singing in a minute.
Who are they to remind us of happiness?
You go back on again in an hour.
- Amazing.
- The sunrise?
The OR, and the punishment
the human body can take and still survive.
- The doctors or the patients?
- Which are we?
If you get me another cup of coffee,
I'll kiss every bit of fat in your head.
- Trapper?
- Yeah, I'll take another cup.
- Lieutenant?
- Yes, please.
I'll write you a prescription.
That kid we operated on really took a beating.
Probably had something to do with the
Korean War. There's a lot of it around here.
You don't get bruises like that in combat.
Looked like he was used for batting practice.
We're all out.
I gotta get back to pre-op.
I've got a patient double-parked.
- Can I see you to your tent?
- No, thanks.
Can I see you to my tent? A neutral tent.
I keep a little tent on the edge of town.
I can call ahead and have my man delouse it.
Good thing I thrive on rejection.
- Cute. This wins you a ride home, you know.
- You ought to see the smile under here, Doc.
His haemoglobin is 12.6.
That's up from last night.
Continue penicillin and make sure
he doesn't sneak off and re-enlist.
Frank?
You scheduled Ross for active duty?
Tomorrow his cast is off
and he'll be out of traction.
I'm giving him a rubber ball to squeeze.
Who's it going to hurt
if he spends one week in Tokyo?
He could take his little rubber ball with him.
- May I remind you, sir, we're fighting a war?
- That certainly explains all the noise at night.
We are a vital cog in our fighting machine.
The price of freedom is eternal vigilance.
That's why we can't allow any letdown,
in command, or in the ranks.
You are the only man I know who makes
George Washington seem like a slacker.
- What's wrong? Did he miss callisthenics?
- Keep your two cents out of this.
Everything's under control. We're
consulting about the private's medical needs.
It's obvious. Put him in a backpack
and send him on a ten-mile crawl.
I'm ordering the private to be transferred
to Tokyo for two weeks of R and R.
Well! I guess that puts me in my place!
Henry, if you start acting humane,
you'll take the fun out of the war.
Boy, he really fries my butt.
Ross, have a ball.
Wounded three times?
You're quite a soldier, soldier.
- It's no trick getting hurt in a war.
- You're modest.
It's a privilege. I wish I were there
to help you guys fight the pink stain.
- Sir?
- The major means Communism.
- It really makes me see red.
- Yes, sir.
So we mustn't waste our strength
fighting amongst ourselves, must we?
I don't get you.
You've been brawling. You'd be reprimanded
if you weren't a good soldier.
It's a free country.
He's entitled to all the bruises he wants.
Why is it we always
turn up in the same place?
It only happens when I go tourist.
- You're very good at this.
- I majored in tickling in medical school.
Oh, that's heaven.
- I'm glad you're not married.
- Who says I'm not?
I don't see a ring on any of your toes.
- I should return the favour.
- I like mine through the boot.
- Mind if I watch?
- If it'll help.
You're doing a real good job.
- I'll do your toes, if you like.
- Oh, no, thanks.
Course, I charge extra for 12.
All done, my dear.
I'd like to take your toes out to dinner.
- I've got a date with Trapper.
- Oh, really?
I guess he must be all better, then.
- Better?
- Never mind.
- Doc, do you got a minute?
- Anything wrong?
I feel fine. I was wondering when I could
get out of here and get back to my outfit.
You want out of here? After the army went to
the trouble of arranging all this mud and lice?
You haven't had dysentery yet.
It's all in the same price.
- No kidding. How soon?
- What's your rush? The war'll still be there.
- Its option was picked up for another year.
- There's no question I'll be back?
We're running tests.
We'll know in a day or two.
Even if the tests go against me,
could you still OK me for combat?
You want to go back? Keep talking
like that, I'll give you a saliva test.
Listen, Doc,
I've watched you around the hospital.
- You care about people.
- Some of my best friends are people.
- You noticed my bruises, huh?
- Very nice. Who's your exterior decorator?
Doc, two guys have got beat up in my outfit.
One Coloured, and one homosexual.
So you're a Negro. Who'd have guessed?
We went out last week
and got drunk on leave.
I said more than I should've about somethin'
that happened a couple of years ago.
And you want to go back to that outfit?
You're gonna get your Purple Heart
all black and blue.
It's important to me that I finish
my tour of duty. Now more than ever.
Excuse me, Hawkeye.
- How's it going?
- Protestants 7, Catholics 3.
- But we'll get 'em!
- Go out for a long one.
- You won't say anything about our talk?
- Only if you keep quiet about that throw.
- Your move, killer.
- A flanking attack.
Can you get tennis elbow from checkers?
Your follow-through's all wrong.
How's this?
- Remember the patient this morning?
- You have to do better than that.
I stitched up enough soldiers
this morning to make a rug.
- Am I winning or losing?
- You're winning, but it is two against one.
Which patient?
Crown me.
Weston, the one with contusions.
- His buddies did it to him.
- What are buddies for?
They hung a homosexual label on him,
then each gave him a knuckle sandwich.
Nice.
Kid's got a lot of guts.
He wants to go back to the line.
He... One was bigger than the other.
Hitler wouldn't ride in elevators.
Constantly washed his hands.
Whenever he went to the bathroom
or conquered a country. They also say...
I know that old trick. When you talk
about Hitler, you're really talking about me.
Au contraire. When we talk about you,
we're really talking about Hitler.
- Whose move is it?
- It doesn't matter. The board keeps moving.
Trust you two to pervert something
as fine and wholesome as checkers.
We whitewashed the fence, Aunt Polly.
While you two smart alecks
have been lollygagging around,
I came across something about
a certain person that's very, very interesting.
Your serve. Very interesting, Frank?
- Very, very.
- Let us guess.
Is this person
a well-stacked US Army Major nurse,
bigger than a breadbox,
that you're seeing on the side?
- No. No!
- Then I give up.
There's one of ''those'' in camp.
- One of ''those''?
- Which one of those ''thoses'' do you mean?
One of those types that don't like girls. Get it?
Oh, one of those those.
Private Weston. Patient came in this morning,
knows some of the guys in his outfit.
I think it's disgusting.
- What business is it of yours?
- You're a surgeon.
- I'm also an American.
- You're an American surgeon.
Go operate on the flag.
It's your move.
How about to another tent?
Don't you understand?
The man is not normal.
- What's normal?
- Everybody doing the same thing.
- What about individuality?
- Individuality's fine.
As long as we all do it together.
- Relax. He'll be gone in a couple of days.
- What do you mean, ''relax''?
- Don't you object to anything?
- We have you. We don't need anything else.
Care for a glass of checkers?
That soldier, that powder puff, is just
the kind of weakness the enemy can exploit.
He's been wounded in combat four times.
Even a powder puff can get lucky sometimes!
Think he might make waves?
Mrs Burns, I'm Dr Pierce.
I'm afraid your son is suffering
from terminal righteousness.
Attention! All personnel
are invited to the weenie roast
following today's training film on trench foot.
- Good afternoon, Major.
- Good afternoon.
I see you chose the chops for lunch.
I'd rather have your fuzzy little neck.
Yes, he prepares them beautifully.
- About what we talked about...
- The subject is closed. As I was saying...
- Frank...
- I was talking to the major.
You talk to the captain.
I'll talk to the major, Major.
- Sir...
- You keep out of this!
How can you kick
this little puppy of a person?
I changed your patient roster
like you told me to, sir.
Thank you. Bring it by my tent. Later.
- Frank!
- I have it here right now.
She hasn't moved so fast since we
put that pancreas under her pillow.
- Why wasn't I informed? I am head nurse.
- Give me that.
- You took Private Weston off your day sheet.
- It gives him the willies to be around him.
You're an enlisted man.
This is an officers' mess! Do you read me?
- If it'll help, I'll make him an officer.
- Would you?
- Dismissed!
- Yes, sir.
- I don't understand.
- Private Weston is sick, diseased.
If he should be quarantined,
I must know immediately.
What should be quarantined is Frank's mind,
if we can find a place small enough for it.
Trust me. Perversion is one of
the things we're fighting against.
You mean Private Weston...? That nice boy?
That's what I understand
from some very reliable gossip.
He had the roster changed because his pulse
did the cha-cha every time he went near him.
- What's that mean?
- Lay off before you do some real damage.
- I don't have to take this kind of abuse!
- Yes, you do. You invite abuse.
It would be impolite not to accept it.
Straighten out before we
string you up by your stethoscope.
Get this straight: Weston is through.
When Division gets my letter, he'll get the
dishonourable discharge he deserves. Major.
Cough.
Cough.
How do I sound?
Get some rest, cut down on booze
and stay away from women for a while.
- These monthly checkups are a pain.
- Yes, sir.
- May I have a word with you?
- Don't you always?
I hear that we have an undesirable in post-op.
I suggest immediate isolation
and a dishonourable discharge.
- ..D?
- Very good, sir.
Especially with your eyesight.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about one of the patients.
OK, now, open wide.
He's not one of us. He's one of them.
Who are them that's not one of us?
- He's not a man.
- A woman, Frank?
There's no woman in post-op.
Sir, a non-heterosexual.
Frank, why are you telling me this?
Has the man made a pass at you?
- At me? At anyone?
- Give me your hand, sir.
I felt it was my duty
as a surgeon and an officer
to report any man
who may jeopardise his unit.
You just never know, do you?
I need the necessary forms
with your signature.
- Forget it.
- Don't make me go over your head. Again.
- What is it?
- I'm not sure.
- How does it look?
- I can't describe it.
It's like a little nativity scene.
What?
I'm a beat person.
One disadvantage of being sober
is knowing exactly how you feel.
- Trapper. Hawkeye.
- Hope you haven't used all the holy water.
No, no, no.
- My folks suggested I become a priest.
- Yeah, yeah?
I like my Sundays free.
Top o' the mornin' to ya, ya big two-fisted,
heart-of-gold, toora-loora Father McIntyre.
- Could you become a priest? Stay celibate?
- Only if they'd had me quick-frozen.
- Pass the soap.
- Certainly, my son.
Sirs?
- Close the door, Radar.
- Some of us are out of uniform.
- Can I see you both?
- If you stand on a box, you can.
This is serious, like.
- Well, tell us.
- Like.
Well, Major Burns is giving
Colonel Blake a lot of static.
Burns is loaded with static.
He was born in a taxi with the radio on
while it was stalled under a bridge.
What's his beef?
He's trying to force the colonel to sign forms
so Weston gets a dishonourable discharge.
How's he trying to force him?
- By insisting.
- Since when is insisting forcing?
I honestly believe Henry Blake
could be held up through the mail.
My towel, Tinker Bell.
- Here we go.
- Okey-dokey.
Bare polish or high buff?
Buff, please.
- You have beautiful hands.
- Thank you. They're my mother's.
If she ever finds out I've got them,
she'll kill me.
My ear's been acting up all day.
Radar gave me a thorough check-up.
I was all right except that I got this...
Look, let's skip the manicure.
Voil?! El Finko himself.
- That was a dirty trick.
- Thanks, Henry.
- For what?
- Signing those forms for Frank.
- Helping to ruin another man's life.
- Can I say one thing?
- Winning the rubber backbone award.
- I didn't sign.
- How dare you do the right thing!
- Frank said he'd go over my head. I said go.
He's done it so many times
I've got footprints on my scalp.
- Frank.
- Natch.
Frank writes to Washington
more than he does his wife, the big snitch.
Honey, check this ear, will you?
What's it look like in there?
- Who is it?
- Me.
- Frank, you want a bite?
- I don't feel like that, Margaret.
Can I type in here?
I've got to get away from those animals.
Don't feel like what?
- Any sign?
- Frank's still in there.
- I'll never know what they see in each other.
- Fortunately, they see it in nobody else.
Hold it. Her flaps are rustling.
- They're coming in for a landing.
- Her door's opening.
Frank is leaving.
His beady little eyes shift.
They look right, now left...
Now out the back of his head.
Now he gives Hot Lips
a noncommittal goodbye leer,
and there will now be a short pause
while he skulks casually back to The Swamp.
And now to work.
That's it!
You'd move out over a simple disagreement?
Simple? You have a degree in simple.
When you said you were six-three,
I didn't know it meant IQ.
Character assassination
because we disagree?
- What's wrong?
- Keep out of this, Frank.
- Can I help?
- Here's a hand mirror. Do a lobotomy.
Lay off Frank.
You're just sore because he's right.
Here's a copy of War and Peace. That
ought to keep your lips moving for a year.
Wait a minute. Did you say
I was right about something?
- Never mind.
- No, I have a right to know if I was right.
I'm not right that often.
Maybe I can do it again.
Why don't you find yourself
a drugstore and get weighed?
- What's eating him?
- He's PO'd because I agree about Weston.
- You didn't earlier.
- Intelligence allows for a change.
- I think you should send in that report.
- You guys are a pain.
You go together like salt and petre.
Let him rave.
You know, Trap, I've always felt you and I
had the basis for a friendship, Trap.
As my last favour, I'll wait
till I get outside before I throw up.
It's too late to apologise.
Condemning somebody
for something that's his own business.
Look me in the eye and tell me there's
nothing in your past you want to keep buried.
And you, Doctor Clean Starched Underwear.
Next time you read the Bible,
find a few words about compassion,
if you can get past the part that says
''Thou shalt not admit adultery.''
Little selective amnesia?
Remember that 80-proof confession
about your first-year medical exams?
Medical exams?
I bought the answers.
Paid a hundred dollars for 'em.
Suppose that got out.
Where would you be then?
- A hundred dollars?
- I was a kid.
I paid 400 for mine.
And you have the dumb nerve
to judge someone else?
- If you repeat that, I'll deny it.
- He won't tell anyone.
You think you could handle a dishonourable
discharge from the medical profession?
Give up your family and vine-covered house?
Or is that your house
and your vine-covered family?
Could you give up your office with the leather
couch and the receptionist that goes with it?
- It happened years ago. I was a kid, like him!
- I lied. I was never a kid.
Most people wouldn't care
about the when, only the what.
Frank?
People who live in glass tents...?
Oh, tear it up!
- Don't take it so hard. It's the right thing.
- It's galling.
You tear some. It'll make you feel better.
Want me to help?
You laid it on me pretty good, rotten-wise.
- Low IQ. Your lips move plenty.
- Only when there's a girl attached.
- What's in your past you'd like buried?
- I've led a life of exemplary behaviour.
- There's a lot of sainthood talk in my town.
- You gonna start lying to me?
Lying? I don't have to take that kind of talk
from a man who started his academic career
by failing the afternoon nap.
Would you like a drink before you go?
Thought you'd never ask.
Wounded arriving at helipad.
All hospital staff now on alert.
- Clamp.
- Suture. Where's that sponge, nurse?
Let's get this lamp straightened out.
Vite, vite!
OK, Pierce. Anytime now.
He gets a nickel deposit back on that.
Getting paid by the hour?
If I close him before every fragment's out,
we'll invalidate his warranty. Permanently.
- How's it going?
- On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
Another subcue suture.
Come on, I'm on a hot streak.
Will you shut up?
- Everything OK, Trapper?
- Fine, Father.
Keep your fingers crossed.
Trouble tying the vessel off?
I thought you read that chapter last night.
Some more butter for your fingers, Frank?
Relax. I'll retract the nerve,
you suture the muscle.
- Thanks.
- Can you see all right?
Fine. Very kind of you to help, Pierce.
Maybe we can
go into partnership after the war.
I'll handle the surgery
and you do whatever it is you do.
I hate sunrise.
And those damn birds'll
start singing in a minute.
Who are they to remind us of happiness?
You go back on again in an hour.
- Amazing.
- The sunrise?
The OR, and the punishment
the human body can take and still survive.
- The doctors or the patients?
- Which are we?
If you get me another cup of coffee,
I'll kiss every bit of fat in your head.
- Trapper?
- Yeah, I'll take another cup.
- Lieutenant?
- Yes, please.
I'll write you a prescription.
That kid we operated on really took a beating.
Probably had something to do with the
Korean War. There's a lot of it around here.
You don't get bruises like that in combat.
Looked like he was used for batting practice.
We're all out.
I gotta get back to pre-op.
I've got a patient double-parked.
- Can I see you to your tent?
- No, thanks.
Can I see you to my tent? A neutral tent.
I keep a little tent on the edge of town.
I can call ahead and have my man delouse it.
Good thing I thrive on rejection.
- Cute. This wins you a ride home, you know.
- You ought to see the smile under here, Doc.
His haemoglobin is 12.6.
That's up from last night.
Continue penicillin and make sure
he doesn't sneak off and re-enlist.
Frank?
You scheduled Ross for active duty?
Tomorrow his cast is off
and he'll be out of traction.
I'm giving him a rubber ball to squeeze.
Who's it going to hurt
if he spends one week in Tokyo?
He could take his little rubber ball with him.
- May I remind you, sir, we're fighting a war?
- That certainly explains all the noise at night.
We are a vital cog in our fighting machine.
The price of freedom is eternal vigilance.
That's why we can't allow any letdown,
in command, or in the ranks.
You are the only man I know who makes
George Washington seem like a slacker.
- What's wrong? Did he miss callisthenics?
- Keep your two cents out of this.
Everything's under control. We're
consulting about the private's medical needs.
It's obvious. Put him in a backpack
and send him on a ten-mile crawl.
I'm ordering the private to be transferred
to Tokyo for two weeks of R and R.
Well! I guess that puts me in my place!
Henry, if you start acting humane,
you'll take the fun out of the war.
Boy, he really fries my butt.
Ross, have a ball.
Wounded three times?
You're quite a soldier, soldier.
- It's no trick getting hurt in a war.
- You're modest.
It's a privilege. I wish I were there
to help you guys fight the pink stain.
- Sir?
- The major means Communism.
- It really makes me see red.
- Yes, sir.
So we mustn't waste our strength
fighting amongst ourselves, must we?
I don't get you.
You've been brawling. You'd be reprimanded
if you weren't a good soldier.
It's a free country.
He's entitled to all the bruises he wants.
Why is it we always
turn up in the same place?
It only happens when I go tourist.
- You're very good at this.
- I majored in tickling in medical school.
Oh, that's heaven.
- I'm glad you're not married.
- Who says I'm not?
I don't see a ring on any of your toes.
- I should return the favour.
- I like mine through the boot.
- Mind if I watch?
- If it'll help.
You're doing a real good job.
- I'll do your toes, if you like.
- Oh, no, thanks.
Course, I charge extra for 12.
All done, my dear.
I'd like to take your toes out to dinner.
- I've got a date with Trapper.
- Oh, really?
I guess he must be all better, then.
- Better?
- Never mind.
- Doc, do you got a minute?
- Anything wrong?
I feel fine. I was wondering when I could
get out of here and get back to my outfit.
You want out of here? After the army went to
the trouble of arranging all this mud and lice?
You haven't had dysentery yet.
It's all in the same price.
- No kidding. How soon?
- What's your rush? The war'll still be there.
- Its option was picked up for another year.
- There's no question I'll be back?
We're running tests.
We'll know in a day or two.
Even if the tests go against me,
could you still OK me for combat?
You want to go back? Keep talking
like that, I'll give you a saliva test.
Listen, Doc,
I've watched you around the hospital.
- You care about people.
- Some of my best friends are people.
- You noticed my bruises, huh?
- Very nice. Who's your exterior decorator?
Doc, two guys have got beat up in my outfit.
One Coloured, and one homosexual.
So you're a Negro. Who'd have guessed?
We went out last week
and got drunk on leave.
I said more than I should've about somethin'
that happened a couple of years ago.
And you want to go back to that outfit?
You're gonna get your Purple Heart
all black and blue.
It's important to me that I finish
my tour of duty. Now more than ever.
Excuse me, Hawkeye.
- How's it going?
- Protestants 7, Catholics 3.
- But we'll get 'em!
- Go out for a long one.
- You won't say anything about our talk?
- Only if you keep quiet about that throw.
- Your move, killer.
- A flanking attack.
Can you get tennis elbow from checkers?
Your follow-through's all wrong.
How's this?
- Remember the patient this morning?
- You have to do better than that.
I stitched up enough soldiers
this morning to make a rug.
- Am I winning or losing?
- You're winning, but it is two against one.
Which patient?
Crown me.
Weston, the one with contusions.
- His buddies did it to him.
- What are buddies for?
They hung a homosexual label on him,
then each gave him a knuckle sandwich.
Nice.
Kid's got a lot of guts.
He wants to go back to the line.
He... One was bigger than the other.
Hitler wouldn't ride in elevators.
Constantly washed his hands.
Whenever he went to the bathroom
or conquered a country. They also say...
I know that old trick. When you talk
about Hitler, you're really talking about me.
Au contraire. When we talk about you,
we're really talking about Hitler.
- Whose move is it?
- It doesn't matter. The board keeps moving.
Trust you two to pervert something
as fine and wholesome as checkers.
We whitewashed the fence, Aunt Polly.
While you two smart alecks
have been lollygagging around,
I came across something about
a certain person that's very, very interesting.
Your serve. Very interesting, Frank?
- Very, very.
- Let us guess.
Is this person
a well-stacked US Army Major nurse,
bigger than a breadbox,
that you're seeing on the side?
- No. No!
- Then I give up.
There's one of ''those'' in camp.
- One of ''those''?
- Which one of those ''thoses'' do you mean?
One of those types that don't like girls. Get it?
Oh, one of those those.
Private Weston. Patient came in this morning,
knows some of the guys in his outfit.
I think it's disgusting.
- What business is it of yours?
- You're a surgeon.
- I'm also an American.
- You're an American surgeon.
Go operate on the flag.
It's your move.
How about to another tent?
Don't you understand?
The man is not normal.
- What's normal?
- Everybody doing the same thing.
- What about individuality?
- Individuality's fine.
As long as we all do it together.
- Relax. He'll be gone in a couple of days.
- What do you mean, ''relax''?
- Don't you object to anything?
- We have you. We don't need anything else.
Care for a glass of checkers?
That soldier, that powder puff, is just
the kind of weakness the enemy can exploit.
He's been wounded in combat four times.
Even a powder puff can get lucky sometimes!
Think he might make waves?
Mrs Burns, I'm Dr Pierce.
I'm afraid your son is suffering
from terminal righteousness.
Attention! All personnel
are invited to the weenie roast
following today's training film on trench foot.
- Good afternoon, Major.
- Good afternoon.
I see you chose the chops for lunch.
I'd rather have your fuzzy little neck.
Yes, he prepares them beautifully.
- About what we talked about...
- The subject is closed. As I was saying...
- Frank...
- I was talking to the major.
You talk to the captain.
I'll talk to the major, Major.
- Sir...
- You keep out of this!
How can you kick
this little puppy of a person?
I changed your patient roster
like you told me to, sir.
Thank you. Bring it by my tent. Later.
- Frank!
- I have it here right now.
She hasn't moved so fast since we
put that pancreas under her pillow.
- Why wasn't I informed? I am head nurse.
- Give me that.
- You took Private Weston off your day sheet.
- It gives him the willies to be around him.
You're an enlisted man.
This is an officers' mess! Do you read me?
- If it'll help, I'll make him an officer.
- Would you?
- Dismissed!
- Yes, sir.
- I don't understand.
- Private Weston is sick, diseased.
If he should be quarantined,
I must know immediately.
What should be quarantined is Frank's mind,
if we can find a place small enough for it.
Trust me. Perversion is one of
the things we're fighting against.
You mean Private Weston...? That nice boy?
That's what I understand
from some very reliable gossip.
He had the roster changed because his pulse
did the cha-cha every time he went near him.
- What's that mean?
- Lay off before you do some real damage.
- I don't have to take this kind of abuse!
- Yes, you do. You invite abuse.
It would be impolite not to accept it.
Straighten out before we
string you up by your stethoscope.
Get this straight: Weston is through.
When Division gets my letter, he'll get the
dishonourable discharge he deserves. Major.
Cough.
Cough.
How do I sound?
Get some rest, cut down on booze
and stay away from women for a while.
- These monthly checkups are a pain.
- Yes, sir.
- May I have a word with you?
- Don't you always?
I hear that we have an undesirable in post-op.
I suggest immediate isolation
and a dishonourable discharge.
- ..D?
- Very good, sir.
Especially with your eyesight.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about one of the patients.
OK, now, open wide.
He's not one of us. He's one of them.
Who are them that's not one of us?
- He's not a man.
- A woman, Frank?
There's no woman in post-op.
Sir, a non-heterosexual.
Frank, why are you telling me this?
Has the man made a pass at you?
- At me? At anyone?
- Give me your hand, sir.
I felt it was my duty
as a surgeon and an officer
to report any man
who may jeopardise his unit.
You just never know, do you?
I need the necessary forms
with your signature.
- Forget it.
- Don't make me go over your head. Again.
- What is it?
- I'm not sure.
- How does it look?
- I can't describe it.
It's like a little nativity scene.
What?
I'm a beat person.
One disadvantage of being sober
is knowing exactly how you feel.
- Trapper. Hawkeye.
- Hope you haven't used all the holy water.
No, no, no.
- My folks suggested I become a priest.
- Yeah, yeah?
I like my Sundays free.
Top o' the mornin' to ya, ya big two-fisted,
heart-of-gold, toora-loora Father McIntyre.
- Could you become a priest? Stay celibate?
- Only if they'd had me quick-frozen.
- Pass the soap.
- Certainly, my son.
Sirs?
- Close the door, Radar.
- Some of us are out of uniform.
- Can I see you both?
- If you stand on a box, you can.
This is serious, like.
- Well, tell us.
- Like.
Well, Major Burns is giving
Colonel Blake a lot of static.
Burns is loaded with static.
He was born in a taxi with the radio on
while it was stalled under a bridge.
What's his beef?
He's trying to force the colonel to sign forms
so Weston gets a dishonourable discharge.
How's he trying to force him?
- By insisting.
- Since when is insisting forcing?
I honestly believe Henry Blake
could be held up through the mail.
My towel, Tinker Bell.
- Here we go.
- Okey-dokey.
Bare polish or high buff?
Buff, please.
- You have beautiful hands.
- Thank you. They're my mother's.
If she ever finds out I've got them,
she'll kill me.
My ear's been acting up all day.
Radar gave me a thorough check-up.
I was all right except that I got this...
Look, let's skip the manicure.
Voil?! El Finko himself.
- That was a dirty trick.
- Thanks, Henry.
- For what?
- Signing those forms for Frank.
- Helping to ruin another man's life.
- Can I say one thing?
- Winning the rubber backbone award.
- I didn't sign.
- How dare you do the right thing!
- Frank said he'd go over my head. I said go.
He's done it so many times
I've got footprints on my scalp.
- Frank.
- Natch.
Frank writes to Washington
more than he does his wife, the big snitch.
Honey, check this ear, will you?
What's it look like in there?
- Who is it?
- Me.
- Frank, you want a bite?
- I don't feel like that, Margaret.
Can I type in here?
I've got to get away from those animals.
Don't feel like what?
- Any sign?
- Frank's still in there.
- I'll never know what they see in each other.
- Fortunately, they see it in nobody else.
Hold it. Her flaps are rustling.
- They're coming in for a landing.
- Her door's opening.
Frank is leaving.
His beady little eyes shift.
They look right, now left...
Now out the back of his head.
Now he gives Hot Lips
a noncommittal goodbye leer,
and there will now be a short pause
while he skulks casually back to The Swamp.
And now to work.
That's it!
You'd move out over a simple disagreement?
Simple? You have a degree in simple.
When you said you were six-three,
I didn't know it meant IQ.
Character assassination
because we disagree?
- What's wrong?
- Keep out of this, Frank.
- Can I help?
- Here's a hand mirror. Do a lobotomy.
Lay off Frank.
You're just sore because he's right.
Here's a copy of War and Peace. That
ought to keep your lips moving for a year.
Wait a minute. Did you say
I was right about something?
- Never mind.
- No, I have a right to know if I was right.
I'm not right that often.
Maybe I can do it again.
Why don't you find yourself
a drugstore and get weighed?
- What's eating him?
- He's PO'd because I agree about Weston.
- You didn't earlier.
- Intelligence allows for a change.
- I think you should send in that report.
- You guys are a pain.
You go together like salt and petre.
Let him rave.
You know, Trap, I've always felt you and I
had the basis for a friendship, Trap.
As my last favour, I'll wait
till I get outside before I throw up.
It's too late to apologise.
Condemning somebody
for something that's his own business.
Look me in the eye and tell me there's
nothing in your past you want to keep buried.
And you, Doctor Clean Starched Underwear.
Next time you read the Bible,
find a few words about compassion,
if you can get past the part that says
''Thou shalt not admit adultery.''
Little selective amnesia?
Remember that 80-proof confession
about your first-year medical exams?
Medical exams?
I bought the answers.
Paid a hundred dollars for 'em.
Suppose that got out.
Where would you be then?
- A hundred dollars?
- I was a kid.
I paid 400 for mine.
And you have the dumb nerve
to judge someone else?
- If you repeat that, I'll deny it.
- He won't tell anyone.
You think you could handle a dishonourable
discharge from the medical profession?
Give up your family and vine-covered house?
Or is that your house
and your vine-covered family?
Could you give up your office with the leather
couch and the receptionist that goes with it?
- It happened years ago. I was a kid, like him!
- I lied. I was never a kid.
Most people wouldn't care
about the when, only the what.
Frank?
People who live in glass tents...?
Oh, tear it up!
- Don't take it so hard. It's the right thing.
- It's galling.
You tear some. It'll make you feel better.
Want me to help?
You laid it on me pretty good, rotten-wise.
- Low IQ. Your lips move plenty.
- Only when there's a girl attached.
- What's in your past you'd like buried?
- I've led a life of exemplary behaviour.
- There's a lot of sainthood talk in my town.
- You gonna start lying to me?
Lying? I don't have to take that kind of talk
from a man who started his academic career
by failing the afternoon nap.
Would you like a drink before you go?
Thought you'd never ask.