M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 2, Episode 20 - As You Were - full transcript
During a lull in the fighting, Hawkeye and Trapper try to find ways to keep occupied. First they put Frank in a crate in the middle of the night while he is sleeping. They also order a pair of gorilla costumes and play gin as they are wearing them. Frank then asks them to perform hernia surgery on him while the lull is on. Unfortunately, the fighting starts again and as they are performing surgery the camp gets hit with friendly fire.
- Radar, don't you know another song?
- He doesn't even know that one.
Radar, you could be arrested
for felonious fingering.
Attention, all personnel.
Since there are no casualties again today,
tonight's midnight movie
will be seen at 9 o'clock this morning.
Also, midnight will be cancelled.
Good morning, Colonel Blake.
Improving the outer man, I see.
Excuse me, Father. You're blocking the sun.
Well, let there be light.
I don't believe it.
A little to the left.
That's it.
Steady as she goes.
- Frank, what's going on here?
- Everything all right at home, Frank?
Can't talk now. Now that ketchup bottle
wants to be just a hair to starboard.
Right.
Let me handle this. I did a year at Bellevue.
What are you doing?
If you get the tabletop at eye level, each
ketchup bottle lines up behind the other.
Same is true of condiments,
arranged according to height and popularity.
Ketchup, mustard, relish,
mayonnaise, oil and vinegar,
salt and pepper,
and sweet and sour gherkins all in a row.
We should do something with Frank's head
and mail it back to him.
In ajar.
Perfecto!
- Father Mulcahy, are you in?
- And open for business.
- Klinger. Very smart outfit.
- You busy, Father?
Just washing my feet. Did you know
it was the custom on Holy Thursday
- for the Pope to wash a poor man's feet?
- So?
There's not much chance of His Holiness
showing up here, so I thought I'd do my own.
But seriously, Klinger, what can I do for you?
Father, it's so quiet around here,
what do they need me for?
I'd like to get your opinion of this letter.
''Dear General Mitchell, Here's one more
picture to prove I am mentally unbalanced
and deservant of a psychological discharge.''
''You will notice that the dress I am wearing...
Oh, dear.
..is an exact copy of the one
Rita Hayworth wore in Gilda.''
''At least it's close. I only saw the picture
once, and I was sewing from memory.''
''I'm a desperate man,
and unless you give me the discharge,
I will send the picture to your wife,
and tell her you've been seeing me.''
''Yours truly,
Corporal Klinger, MASH, 4077th.''
What do you think?
Klinger, the Lord moves in mysterious ways,
but you take the cake.
Hey, get me out of this!
Is anybody there?
- Anybody where, Frank?
- Get me out of here, you animals!
Out of where, Frank?
- I'm boxed in!
- We all feel that way at times, Frank.
You guys'll pay for this!
Take it easy. The pilot says
we'll be in Chicago in an hour.
Guys, let's settle down.
Folks, I'd really like to get started.
- I'd really like to get... Radar.
- Quiet!
Thank you.
Being as how we've got so much spare time
on our hands lately,
I thought I'd deliver the required commanding
officer's monthly orientation lecture
this morning rather than wait for another
time, which while we have it, why not use it?
So, if you guys are ready, why,
we'll start with today's subject.
- Which is what?
- I'll answer questions later, McIntyre.
Can you give us the subject first, just in case
we can't tell what it is from your talk?
Could you quiet up?
No, seriously, guys,
this is not an easy lecture to give,
and I'd appreciate the fullest
of your total attention on this.
- Radar.
- Yes, sir.
There we go.
I think I'll check on my candle shipment.
- Let's simmer down. Radar, do you want to...
- Yes, sir.
Here are our old friends,
Figure A and Figure B.
Man, woman. Mom, dad. Boy, girl.
Maggie and Jiggs.
Now, whether a person be an A or a B,
he or she is blessed with a...
I mean...
OK...
I guess I don't have to tell you
what you Figure B's are blessed with.
The human body, you know,
whether she be A or he be B,
can find itself with a certain
kind of medical trouble.
- What kind of trouble is that, Henry?
- I'll come to that later.
I may not be awake then.
Now, guys, some of you
are going back home to your wives.
Some of you are going back
to your sweethearts.
And some, for all I know,
are going back to both.
I've heard this guy, he's great.
lrregardless of what you've got waiting,
you owe it to that waitee to return home
with a clean mind and a clean body.
Because, like I like to say,
''Clean is as clean does,
and clean does as clean thinks.''
Henry.
- Figure Ajust fell asleep.
- McIntyre, we can do without the levity.
Will you stop levitting?
Excuse me.
Difficult, you ask? Of course.
I can understand that question,
having just asked it myself.
It is difficult, men.
I mean, really, you're... It's Saturday night.
You got a 24-hour pass.
You're 20,000 miles from home.
You can't make it, I tried.
You walk into a bar and it's full of B-girls.
You know what I'm talking about.
Resist. You know what I mean?
Use your heads. Use your common sense.
Come on, now. Quit giggling, guys.
I'm gonna level with you.
You've got to fight temptation.
I mean, now look. OK.
Whatever you do, don't run the risk
of catching today's subject.
Are there any questions at all?
- Radar?
- Sir, I just have one question.
What is it?
Do you suppose that someday
you could give us a talk on VD?
Bravo!
- You want that card?
- No.
Packages for you, sirs, from the
Peerless Costume Company, Philadelphia?
- That's it!
- They got here!
- Yeah!
- Terrific!
- This'll liven the joint up. Thanks.
- Yes, sir.
- Hey, I like it.
- I just made it.
I don't know how you do it on your salary.
Frank, you've got to do it sometime.
- Why can't you face your hernia?
- I don't want to be operated on.
Now is the perfect time.
The OR's quiet, they're not busy...
Before I'd let them operate,
I'd wear an iron truss.
Fair is fair. They're excellent surgeons.
They're all flash. So they save their patients.
Neither of them owns his own car.
Frank, they can relieve your pain.
Fat lot those two Bulgarians
care about my pain.
Did I tell you about the boxing?
- They didn't hit you, Frank?
- No. They crated me in my sleep.
- You never told me.
- I don't tell you half their stunts.
- Did I mention the oatmeal in my gas mask?
- You did, yes.
How about when they stapled
a roll of my toilet paper?
Frank, they're beneath contempt.
They're not fit to shine your clusters.
And you're asking me
to put myself into their hands?
It's true they're incorrigible. They're also
two of the very best surgeons I've ever seen.
Oh, really?
Where do you stand on yours truly?
- Frank...
- No, let's have it out as professionals.
Nurse to doctor.
How do I rate with you as a surgeon?
Frank, don't you have enough pain?
- Let's see, you're holding tens.
- Take a card, take a card.
Don't rush me.
What was the knock card?
Frank, it's for your own good.
You need this operation.
When they open me,
who knows what they'll stick in?
They wouldn't. They're not inhuman.
- Pierce? McIntyre?
- What is it, Frank?
- Take off those masks.
- Take off those suits.
- We will if you will.
- Where did you get those costumes?
- What costumes?
- The ones you're wearing.
These aren't costumes.
We stopped shaving last month.
- Margaret, how can I possibly?
- Be strong, Frank. Go ahead.
I want to talk to you both, as doctors.
What's the problem?
I've had this condition that's
needed attention for about ten years.
Why do people always wait so long
before they go to their gorilla?
Will you be serious? This man has a hernia.
I would like to ask you
if you'd consider operating on me.
One moment,
I'll have to check with my colleague.
We'll do it. Me and the missis.
- Margaret...
- I'll be here every moment.
If anything should happen,
would you write my wife?
Are you out of your mind?
- Evenin', chillun.
- Oh, Lord.
Let's hear it for that great star
of stage, screen and surgery:
Dr Benjamin Franklin Pierce,
his dirty fingernails and his orchestra.
Thank you for that very fine introduction.
Ladies and germs, with your kind permission,
we'd like to do an operation
we've had luck with.
We hope it turns out to be one of yours.
- You said you would be serious.
- Quite right. Give the patient a local.
Rusty needle, please.
Attention, all personnel. Attention.
Incoming wounded. Incoming wounded...
- The party's over.
- Back in business.
- Get up, Frank.
- What about my hernia?
- Keep it. If you like it, it's yours.
- We're promoting you from patient to doctor.
You can do it. Just cut along the dotted line.
Don't look.
He's an idiot, but he's really stacked.
All right. Step right up, folks.
The war's back in town.
Ambulance drivers
report to their stations.
They didn't forget how
to hurt each other. Rib cutter.
Rib cutter.
Sheila, start a unit of whole blood.
This is gonna be a long one.
Are you doin' OK?
Gimme a sponge.
Come on, move your pretty bottom, honey.
Sorry, Doctor.
Attention. Due to continuing
heavy incoming casualties,
- the mess tent will remain open all night.
- That ends the 8 o'clock food warning.
- Scalpel.
- Scalpel.
- You got a pretty good tan, Henry.
- I'm payin' for it now.
I hope this guy doesn't toss in his sleep.
Hold this, hold this.
Give me another clamp. Hurry up, let's go.
We need some more sponges here.
- Frank, how do you feel?
- I'd be better without the chatter in here.
After all the trouble I went through
lining things up?
Lining what things up?
If you get down, you'll see
the gall bladders are all in one line.
Livers, colons... All organs arranged
according to height and popularity.
Can the malarkey!
Hey! Anyone remember
to light up the Red Cross sign?
Hell's bells, I just paid the bill.
- Try the three. Hold that.
- Colonel? Are you busy?
Not at all. I'm just telling this man's fortune
by reading his bowels.
Supplies sent me.
We're dangerously low on whole blood.
Wouldn't that strip your gears? For two
weeks, we've been sitting on our duffs!
- And we could've been bleeding into bottles.
- Watch the finger, will ya?
- Sorry.
- Organise some donors. Get plenty of blood.
- You're promoted to vampire.
- Turn in your cross.
- You got that?
- That is my finger!
Hello? Yeah, 789th Artillery?
Yeah, this is 4077th MASH, Corporal O'Reilly.
We're getting a lot of near-misses here.
Can you find out who's doing it?
You're doing it?
Buddy, we're a hospital. How would
you like it if we fired patients at you?
What? Those are your orders?
To knock the enamel off of 500 bedpans?!
Who gave you those orders?
Wait a minute. Hold on. What?
That's it. Better take this to the lab.
This is very good of you all. Don't get up
too fast, now. Have some orange juice.
Klinger, how good of you.
This is ridiculous. A million miles from home,
laying on a table like a centrepiece,
and somebody siphoning me for blood.
Don't talk too much.
Donating can make you dizzy.
I know. I brought along a pair of low heels.
Remove that clamp. We're in the homestretch.
- This neighbourhood is going to hell.
- Any minute now.
OK, you close. I've done the important part.
How'd everything go today, dear?
Kindly do not block the aisles!
- What is it?
- My hernia!
- Strangulated, Frank?
- I think so!
- Henry?
- I'm up to my wrists in guts.
- Trap?
- I can't. I got an open chest here.
- Can you close?
- Yes, Doctor.
- O-chromic, right?
- Right.
- Frank, are you sure?
- You gotta operate, now!
- All the tables are taken.
- I don't need a table! Do it on the floor!
We'd have to clean it up.
Somebody throw me a nurse!
Murphy!
- Give me a hand, will you?
- What are you doing?
- We may not have to operate.
- Where are we going?
The Mayo Clinic. I know the head waiter.
Regimental Headquarters?
This is Mash 4077, Major O'Reilly speaking.
We're getting artillery fire,
and I'm told you ordered it.
I want it stopped right now,
and that's an order.
Heard what?
I'm 19.
Look, buddy, my CO told me to call!
He's busy!
Try who? All right, wait a minute, hold on.
- You think this'll work?
- The intestine might slip back into place.
- The blood's rushing to my head.
- I can't understand the attraction.
We'll fix you up. You'll be walking
all over people again in no time.
Really?
- What was that?
- The folks down the block want to kill us.
It's for the pain, Frank.
You've so much to do and I'm a bother.
- Yes, Frank, you're a bother.
- I'm a pest and a nuisance.
You're a pest and a nuisance and a bother.
You're only saying that to make me feel good.
Right, Frank.
It was naughty of you to pack me in a crate.
I could've suffocated.
No chance. We made air holes.
And we put lettuce in.
And a carrot.
And some shredded newspaper
in case you had an accident.
Fred?
- Yes, Frank?
- Do you think the principal saw us?
Corporal?
- Let me see if I got this right.
- Go ahead.
- Forceps.
- Forceps.
- You want a BLT, wheat toast, hold the mayo.
- And a chocolate shake.
Let's tie this vessel
and then we'll start on the bladder.
- Chocolate shake.
- Thick.
- You got it.
- Come on, sweetie, let's go.
- Can I take your order?
- It's about time.
- I've been waiting for a priest for half an hour.
- This is not my table.
If my hands could talk, they'd scream.
I'm raw from all the scrubbing.
- Why don't you see a doctor?
- How would you like a kiss in the mouth?
How is he?
Fine. But he may never move the piano again.
I've got him on his head and sedated.
- If it doesn't reduce itself, I'll operate.
- That's decent of you.
- I owe him.
- Of course.
He gave me his place in the lifeboat
when the Titanic went down.
I vowed I'd save his life one day
since he gave his up for mine.
How's Frank?
He's at a 45-degree angle, talking
through his bellybutton. How's business?
Jumpin'. I'm taking a break.
Shut up.
- Rough, huh?
- Plenty.
- Want a puff?
- Thanks.
- I'm taking ten minutes.
- I'm on ten minutes.
Between us, we got 20 minutes. Let's go.
That's what I said, soldier.
Lieutenant Colonel O'Reilly.
I want to know where you Division people
come off shelling so close to a hospital.
Would you repeat that, Sergeant?
Rizzo? Tony? Tony, this is Radar!
Listen, what are you guys doing? Change
your fire, will ya? About 15 degrees west.
Come on, Tony, do it, huh?
And move your azimuth!
- Metzenbaum scissors.
- Sirs? Sirs, got a minute?
- What is it?
- A pregnancy problem, sir.
- Klinger. Klinger!
- Who is he, Klinger? He's got to marry you.
There's a Korean lady out here.
We timed her. She's in labour.
- Get her on the last table. Houlihan...
- I'll take care of her.
Now we're delivering babies.
- I hope it's not a boy. They'll draft him.
- Gangway. I got a hot major here.
Put him on the second table there.
What's the story?
He's zonked out of his skull.
Hi, gang. Shall we open our presents now?
He's prepped and ready.
You wanna do him? I'm not scrubbed.
George, you wanna take over for me?
- How you doin', Frank?
- Honest, Dad, the maid's a liar!
- Terrific. Kocher, please.
- Kocher.
- Let me get a sponge.
- Are you all right?
- Yes, Mother.
- Colonel Blake?
Be right there.
What is this? Go ahead,
it's all yours, George. Take over.
Put him under.
- He said he wanted to watch.
- Then we'll invite him by later.
- Go ahead, fill him up.
- We're going to have a baby here.
I'm ready.
- What'd I say?
- They got the generator.
- I need light!
- Let's not panic until it's necessary.
I said west, Tony. West.
You're doing just fine. Take deep breaths.
- Next body.
- That was the last body, Doctor.
You're much too modest, kid.
Looky here.
- Margaret?
- You're all right, Frank.
- I am?
- You're fine. It's all over.
What's that?
You and Margaret are the parents
of a five-pound baby hernia.
Attention. Attention, all personnel.
No casualties expected for indefinite period.
AFRS announces the release
of Nazi war criminal Alfred Krupp.
Everybody's going home but us.
- Two martinis, please.
- And don't spare the bananas.
You come here often, honey?
- He doesn't even know that one.
Radar, you could be arrested
for felonious fingering.
Attention, all personnel.
Since there are no casualties again today,
tonight's midnight movie
will be seen at 9 o'clock this morning.
Also, midnight will be cancelled.
Good morning, Colonel Blake.
Improving the outer man, I see.
Excuse me, Father. You're blocking the sun.
Well, let there be light.
I don't believe it.
A little to the left.
That's it.
Steady as she goes.
- Frank, what's going on here?
- Everything all right at home, Frank?
Can't talk now. Now that ketchup bottle
wants to be just a hair to starboard.
Right.
Let me handle this. I did a year at Bellevue.
What are you doing?
If you get the tabletop at eye level, each
ketchup bottle lines up behind the other.
Same is true of condiments,
arranged according to height and popularity.
Ketchup, mustard, relish,
mayonnaise, oil and vinegar,
salt and pepper,
and sweet and sour gherkins all in a row.
We should do something with Frank's head
and mail it back to him.
In ajar.
Perfecto!
- Father Mulcahy, are you in?
- And open for business.
- Klinger. Very smart outfit.
- You busy, Father?
Just washing my feet. Did you know
it was the custom on Holy Thursday
- for the Pope to wash a poor man's feet?
- So?
There's not much chance of His Holiness
showing up here, so I thought I'd do my own.
But seriously, Klinger, what can I do for you?
Father, it's so quiet around here,
what do they need me for?
I'd like to get your opinion of this letter.
''Dear General Mitchell, Here's one more
picture to prove I am mentally unbalanced
and deservant of a psychological discharge.''
''You will notice that the dress I am wearing...
Oh, dear.
..is an exact copy of the one
Rita Hayworth wore in Gilda.''
''At least it's close. I only saw the picture
once, and I was sewing from memory.''
''I'm a desperate man,
and unless you give me the discharge,
I will send the picture to your wife,
and tell her you've been seeing me.''
''Yours truly,
Corporal Klinger, MASH, 4077th.''
What do you think?
Klinger, the Lord moves in mysterious ways,
but you take the cake.
Hey, get me out of this!
Is anybody there?
- Anybody where, Frank?
- Get me out of here, you animals!
Out of where, Frank?
- I'm boxed in!
- We all feel that way at times, Frank.
You guys'll pay for this!
Take it easy. The pilot says
we'll be in Chicago in an hour.
Guys, let's settle down.
Folks, I'd really like to get started.
- I'd really like to get... Radar.
- Quiet!
Thank you.
Being as how we've got so much spare time
on our hands lately,
I thought I'd deliver the required commanding
officer's monthly orientation lecture
this morning rather than wait for another
time, which while we have it, why not use it?
So, if you guys are ready, why,
we'll start with today's subject.
- Which is what?
- I'll answer questions later, McIntyre.
Can you give us the subject first, just in case
we can't tell what it is from your talk?
Could you quiet up?
No, seriously, guys,
this is not an easy lecture to give,
and I'd appreciate the fullest
of your total attention on this.
- Radar.
- Yes, sir.
There we go.
I think I'll check on my candle shipment.
- Let's simmer down. Radar, do you want to...
- Yes, sir.
Here are our old friends,
Figure A and Figure B.
Man, woman. Mom, dad. Boy, girl.
Maggie and Jiggs.
Now, whether a person be an A or a B,
he or she is blessed with a...
I mean...
OK...
I guess I don't have to tell you
what you Figure B's are blessed with.
The human body, you know,
whether she be A or he be B,
can find itself with a certain
kind of medical trouble.
- What kind of trouble is that, Henry?
- I'll come to that later.
I may not be awake then.
Now, guys, some of you
are going back home to your wives.
Some of you are going back
to your sweethearts.
And some, for all I know,
are going back to both.
I've heard this guy, he's great.
lrregardless of what you've got waiting,
you owe it to that waitee to return home
with a clean mind and a clean body.
Because, like I like to say,
''Clean is as clean does,
and clean does as clean thinks.''
Henry.
- Figure Ajust fell asleep.
- McIntyre, we can do without the levity.
Will you stop levitting?
Excuse me.
Difficult, you ask? Of course.
I can understand that question,
having just asked it myself.
It is difficult, men.
I mean, really, you're... It's Saturday night.
You got a 24-hour pass.
You're 20,000 miles from home.
You can't make it, I tried.
You walk into a bar and it's full of B-girls.
You know what I'm talking about.
Resist. You know what I mean?
Use your heads. Use your common sense.
Come on, now. Quit giggling, guys.
I'm gonna level with you.
You've got to fight temptation.
I mean, now look. OK.
Whatever you do, don't run the risk
of catching today's subject.
Are there any questions at all?
- Radar?
- Sir, I just have one question.
What is it?
Do you suppose that someday
you could give us a talk on VD?
Bravo!
- You want that card?
- No.
Packages for you, sirs, from the
Peerless Costume Company, Philadelphia?
- That's it!
- They got here!
- Yeah!
- Terrific!
- This'll liven the joint up. Thanks.
- Yes, sir.
- Hey, I like it.
- I just made it.
I don't know how you do it on your salary.
Frank, you've got to do it sometime.
- Why can't you face your hernia?
- I don't want to be operated on.
Now is the perfect time.
The OR's quiet, they're not busy...
Before I'd let them operate,
I'd wear an iron truss.
Fair is fair. They're excellent surgeons.
They're all flash. So they save their patients.
Neither of them owns his own car.
Frank, they can relieve your pain.
Fat lot those two Bulgarians
care about my pain.
Did I tell you about the boxing?
- They didn't hit you, Frank?
- No. They crated me in my sleep.
- You never told me.
- I don't tell you half their stunts.
- Did I mention the oatmeal in my gas mask?
- You did, yes.
How about when they stapled
a roll of my toilet paper?
Frank, they're beneath contempt.
They're not fit to shine your clusters.
And you're asking me
to put myself into their hands?
It's true they're incorrigible. They're also
two of the very best surgeons I've ever seen.
Oh, really?
Where do you stand on yours truly?
- Frank...
- No, let's have it out as professionals.
Nurse to doctor.
How do I rate with you as a surgeon?
Frank, don't you have enough pain?
- Let's see, you're holding tens.
- Take a card, take a card.
Don't rush me.
What was the knock card?
Frank, it's for your own good.
You need this operation.
When they open me,
who knows what they'll stick in?
They wouldn't. They're not inhuman.
- Pierce? McIntyre?
- What is it, Frank?
- Take off those masks.
- Take off those suits.
- We will if you will.
- Where did you get those costumes?
- What costumes?
- The ones you're wearing.
These aren't costumes.
We stopped shaving last month.
- Margaret, how can I possibly?
- Be strong, Frank. Go ahead.
I want to talk to you both, as doctors.
What's the problem?
I've had this condition that's
needed attention for about ten years.
Why do people always wait so long
before they go to their gorilla?
Will you be serious? This man has a hernia.
I would like to ask you
if you'd consider operating on me.
One moment,
I'll have to check with my colleague.
We'll do it. Me and the missis.
- Margaret...
- I'll be here every moment.
If anything should happen,
would you write my wife?
Are you out of your mind?
- Evenin', chillun.
- Oh, Lord.
Let's hear it for that great star
of stage, screen and surgery:
Dr Benjamin Franklin Pierce,
his dirty fingernails and his orchestra.
Thank you for that very fine introduction.
Ladies and germs, with your kind permission,
we'd like to do an operation
we've had luck with.
We hope it turns out to be one of yours.
- You said you would be serious.
- Quite right. Give the patient a local.
Rusty needle, please.
Attention, all personnel. Attention.
Incoming wounded. Incoming wounded...
- The party's over.
- Back in business.
- Get up, Frank.
- What about my hernia?
- Keep it. If you like it, it's yours.
- We're promoting you from patient to doctor.
You can do it. Just cut along the dotted line.
Don't look.
He's an idiot, but he's really stacked.
All right. Step right up, folks.
The war's back in town.
Ambulance drivers
report to their stations.
They didn't forget how
to hurt each other. Rib cutter.
Rib cutter.
Sheila, start a unit of whole blood.
This is gonna be a long one.
Are you doin' OK?
Gimme a sponge.
Come on, move your pretty bottom, honey.
Sorry, Doctor.
Attention. Due to continuing
heavy incoming casualties,
- the mess tent will remain open all night.
- That ends the 8 o'clock food warning.
- Scalpel.
- Scalpel.
- You got a pretty good tan, Henry.
- I'm payin' for it now.
I hope this guy doesn't toss in his sleep.
Hold this, hold this.
Give me another clamp. Hurry up, let's go.
We need some more sponges here.
- Frank, how do you feel?
- I'd be better without the chatter in here.
After all the trouble I went through
lining things up?
Lining what things up?
If you get down, you'll see
the gall bladders are all in one line.
Livers, colons... All organs arranged
according to height and popularity.
Can the malarkey!
Hey! Anyone remember
to light up the Red Cross sign?
Hell's bells, I just paid the bill.
- Try the three. Hold that.
- Colonel? Are you busy?
Not at all. I'm just telling this man's fortune
by reading his bowels.
Supplies sent me.
We're dangerously low on whole blood.
Wouldn't that strip your gears? For two
weeks, we've been sitting on our duffs!
- And we could've been bleeding into bottles.
- Watch the finger, will ya?
- Sorry.
- Organise some donors. Get plenty of blood.
- You're promoted to vampire.
- Turn in your cross.
- You got that?
- That is my finger!
Hello? Yeah, 789th Artillery?
Yeah, this is 4077th MASH, Corporal O'Reilly.
We're getting a lot of near-misses here.
Can you find out who's doing it?
You're doing it?
Buddy, we're a hospital. How would
you like it if we fired patients at you?
What? Those are your orders?
To knock the enamel off of 500 bedpans?!
Who gave you those orders?
Wait a minute. Hold on. What?
That's it. Better take this to the lab.
This is very good of you all. Don't get up
too fast, now. Have some orange juice.
Klinger, how good of you.
This is ridiculous. A million miles from home,
laying on a table like a centrepiece,
and somebody siphoning me for blood.
Don't talk too much.
Donating can make you dizzy.
I know. I brought along a pair of low heels.
Remove that clamp. We're in the homestretch.
- This neighbourhood is going to hell.
- Any minute now.
OK, you close. I've done the important part.
How'd everything go today, dear?
Kindly do not block the aisles!
- What is it?
- My hernia!
- Strangulated, Frank?
- I think so!
- Henry?
- I'm up to my wrists in guts.
- Trap?
- I can't. I got an open chest here.
- Can you close?
- Yes, Doctor.
- O-chromic, right?
- Right.
- Frank, are you sure?
- You gotta operate, now!
- All the tables are taken.
- I don't need a table! Do it on the floor!
We'd have to clean it up.
Somebody throw me a nurse!
Murphy!
- Give me a hand, will you?
- What are you doing?
- We may not have to operate.
- Where are we going?
The Mayo Clinic. I know the head waiter.
Regimental Headquarters?
This is Mash 4077, Major O'Reilly speaking.
We're getting artillery fire,
and I'm told you ordered it.
I want it stopped right now,
and that's an order.
Heard what?
I'm 19.
Look, buddy, my CO told me to call!
He's busy!
Try who? All right, wait a minute, hold on.
- You think this'll work?
- The intestine might slip back into place.
- The blood's rushing to my head.
- I can't understand the attraction.
We'll fix you up. You'll be walking
all over people again in no time.
Really?
- What was that?
- The folks down the block want to kill us.
It's for the pain, Frank.
You've so much to do and I'm a bother.
- Yes, Frank, you're a bother.
- I'm a pest and a nuisance.
You're a pest and a nuisance and a bother.
You're only saying that to make me feel good.
Right, Frank.
It was naughty of you to pack me in a crate.
I could've suffocated.
No chance. We made air holes.
And we put lettuce in.
And a carrot.
And some shredded newspaper
in case you had an accident.
Fred?
- Yes, Frank?
- Do you think the principal saw us?
Corporal?
- Let me see if I got this right.
- Go ahead.
- Forceps.
- Forceps.
- You want a BLT, wheat toast, hold the mayo.
- And a chocolate shake.
Let's tie this vessel
and then we'll start on the bladder.
- Chocolate shake.
- Thick.
- You got it.
- Come on, sweetie, let's go.
- Can I take your order?
- It's about time.
- I've been waiting for a priest for half an hour.
- This is not my table.
If my hands could talk, they'd scream.
I'm raw from all the scrubbing.
- Why don't you see a doctor?
- How would you like a kiss in the mouth?
How is he?
Fine. But he may never move the piano again.
I've got him on his head and sedated.
- If it doesn't reduce itself, I'll operate.
- That's decent of you.
- I owe him.
- Of course.
He gave me his place in the lifeboat
when the Titanic went down.
I vowed I'd save his life one day
since he gave his up for mine.
How's Frank?
He's at a 45-degree angle, talking
through his bellybutton. How's business?
Jumpin'. I'm taking a break.
Shut up.
- Rough, huh?
- Plenty.
- Want a puff?
- Thanks.
- I'm taking ten minutes.
- I'm on ten minutes.
Between us, we got 20 minutes. Let's go.
That's what I said, soldier.
Lieutenant Colonel O'Reilly.
I want to know where you Division people
come off shelling so close to a hospital.
Would you repeat that, Sergeant?
Rizzo? Tony? Tony, this is Radar!
Listen, what are you guys doing? Change
your fire, will ya? About 15 degrees west.
Come on, Tony, do it, huh?
And move your azimuth!
- Metzenbaum scissors.
- Sirs? Sirs, got a minute?
- What is it?
- A pregnancy problem, sir.
- Klinger. Klinger!
- Who is he, Klinger? He's got to marry you.
There's a Korean lady out here.
We timed her. She's in labour.
- Get her on the last table. Houlihan...
- I'll take care of her.
Now we're delivering babies.
- I hope it's not a boy. They'll draft him.
- Gangway. I got a hot major here.
Put him on the second table there.
What's the story?
He's zonked out of his skull.
Hi, gang. Shall we open our presents now?
He's prepped and ready.
You wanna do him? I'm not scrubbed.
George, you wanna take over for me?
- How you doin', Frank?
- Honest, Dad, the maid's a liar!
- Terrific. Kocher, please.
- Kocher.
- Let me get a sponge.
- Are you all right?
- Yes, Mother.
- Colonel Blake?
Be right there.
What is this? Go ahead,
it's all yours, George. Take over.
Put him under.
- He said he wanted to watch.
- Then we'll invite him by later.
- Go ahead, fill him up.
- We're going to have a baby here.
I'm ready.
- What'd I say?
- They got the generator.
- I need light!
- Let's not panic until it's necessary.
I said west, Tony. West.
You're doing just fine. Take deep breaths.
- Next body.
- That was the last body, Doctor.
You're much too modest, kid.
Looky here.
- Margaret?
- You're all right, Frank.
- I am?
- You're fine. It's all over.
What's that?
You and Margaret are the parents
of a five-pound baby hernia.
Attention. Attention, all personnel.
No casualties expected for indefinite period.
AFRS announces the release
of Nazi war criminal Alfred Krupp.
Everybody's going home but us.
- Two martinis, please.
- And don't spare the bananas.
You come here often, honey?