M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 2, Episode 19 - The Chosen People - full transcript

Capt. Sam Pak (Pat Morita) is visiting and Frank bristles at the notion that he should be expected to learn a few words of Korean. An ox walks into Henry's tent, owned by a family of five Koreans who claim the 4077 stole their farm. Henry tries to get Civilian Affairs to handle the Korean family. When things cannot get much worse, a young lady named Choon Hi walks in carrying a baby, Su Yong and claiming "Dr. O'Reilly" is the father. Will the 4077 have to relocate? For once, Frank comes up with the good idea: blood tests. But will these tests give Radar the answer he wants?

##[Bugler Playing "Reveille"Off-key]

- [Mclntyre] Lap sponge.
- [Nurse] Lap sponge.

- [Pierce]
Hey, Sam, can you see all right?
- Perfect.

- Lieutenant, put this man under.
- I want you to observe this technique.

- Kellye, get some more pulls out quick!
- Clamp! Clamp! Come on!

[Man] Move a little bit
to your right, will you?

Okay, where are the bolts for it?

Hey, Sam, how about this?

[Trying To Speak Korean]

Um, "Give him a bicarbonate,
and tell him to stay off his feet."

Isn't that "Your presence
is welcome in our camp"?

No, it's "your uncle has gas
from eating cabbage."

I think you're ready for the U.N.

Captain Pak, you are here
as a medical observer,

not to give us language lessons.

Oh, I know, Sam.
[Trying To Speak Korean]

- I'm sorry to hear that.
- [Pierce] What?

Well, your uncle with the gas
is now pregnant.

- [Nurse Laughing]
- Hey, terrific!

Oh, jabber-jabber-jabber-jabber.

What's Korean for "quack"?

That's my father-in-law's name.

- Frank, you're a father-in-law.
Saline for irrigation.
- Saline.

Frank, by a strange coincidence,
the inhabitants of Korea
communicate in Korean.

It wouldn't hurt us
to speak their language.

I speak American.
And I can go anyplace in the world.

We can have you packed
in 20 minutes.

We're living in Korea, Frank.

- Clamp.
- Not me, fella. Hmm.

I'm part of the American
military establishment.

I eat in an American mess.
I shop in an American P.X.

All I wanna do is save
these people and go home.

And we thank you from the bottom
of our bomb craters.

- I don't need any of your lip.
- "Lip" is Sam's cousin.

Oh, pish-posh.

That's my mother's family.

## [Whistling]

- [Knock At Door]
- Yo! Come in.

Morning, Radar.


Cheese and crackers!

Uh, now just
take it easy, Bossy.

Nobody's gonna
hurt you, sweetie.

Radar! Sit!

Sit, lady! Stay!

- Radar!
- Sir, there's a Korean family out here.

Well, their dog's in here.

Holy cow!

Never mind his religion, Radar.
Just get him outta here.

Shine, Joe?
Shine, Joe?

Shine, Joe? Shine, Joe?

Shine, Joe? Shine?
Shine? Shine, Joe?

Shine, Joe?
Shine, Joe?

Hey, mister.
Hey, fella!

Look, friend.
You can't build your hooch here.


Yo! Yo!

You're on
government property.

Go home.
Go-ey home-y.

Go-ey home-y.

Uh, Radar.
Here, tell him, will you?

[Clears Throat]

Go-ey home-y.

Oh, that's
just dandy, Radar.

Look, folks. You've picked a very
busy spot. The war comes through here.

Well, not war in your
war-fighting sense,

but rather in your aftermath sense,
which is still war-war.

Uh, not now, sonny.
Uh, people, we can't have this.

What the deuce
is going on here, Colonel?

What are these people doing?

Oh, Frank, will you for pete's sake,
for heaven's sake?

I'm up to my naval in locals.
Exactly why, I'm not sure.

The only thing I am sure of
is I don't need you.

Well, why are they
building a house?

I don't know, Frank. Maybe they
were thrown out of their hotel.

How should I know?
Radar, go get...

- Captain Pak is on his way, sir.
- Uh, look.

- You natives...
- [Hammering]

Now hear this!

You can't build a house
on a U.S. Military reservation.

- Now amscray! Scat!
[Yells In Korean]

Great going, Frank. Now you've
aggravated them, you dumb dodo.

I had the situation under control
before you got here.

Could I have
my leg back, please?

Colonel, these people
are poachers.

I'd say fire a few shots
over their heads. That'll chase 'em.

What do you wanna do, Frank,
start a military incident
in the middle of a war?

- Is that what you want?
- There are times
when a show of strength...

- is the only way.
- Frank?

Just ran into Teddy Roosevelt. Says he
won't charge up the hill without you.

Hey, what's the problem?

- Looks like we got visitors.
- Well, they just moved in.

Started setting up housekeeping.
You gotta talk to 'em, Sam.

Get the first month's rent
in advance.

I mean, we got
a real hoo-ha goin' here.

Excuse me.
Any of you folks Catholic?

Father, do you mind?

Hold it.

[Both Speaking Korean]

- What's the poop, Sam?
- Well, the poop is...

he says that this is his farm
and you are on his land.

That settles it.
Let's go home.

Are we just gonna stand around and let
these foreigners take over the 4077 th?

Frank's right. After all, this is their
land. What right have they got to it?

Hell's bells, Major!
The 4077 th is a field hospital.

Well, we can't handle it!
It's up to you Civilian Affairs boys.

That's what you're paid for.

Yeah, I know.
$640 a month isn't real money,

but it does keep
the old bulldog from barking.

Yeah. Radar, will you do something
with him before he gives me a pedicure?

Yo, I'm right here, Major.
Right, five of them.

Mom, Dad, three youngsters and an ox
that's bucking for elephant.

Yeah. Yeah!

Okay, boy. Great shoe shine.
Here you go.

Dollar for shine, Joe.

- Colonel, he wants a dollar.
- Well, pay him.

- Uh, take it out of petty cash.
- Sir, you took it all.

Uh, j-just hold it.

Radar, get him some grub.

Oh, yes, sir.

I don't know their names!

They're just your garden-variety
Korean refugee,

and they keep yelping
that we're on their farm!

Yeah. Well, listen. Get up here
and straighten this out, will ya?

Okay. "Goom-bye."


My name Choon Hi.

Oh. Hi.

You're not with
those others, are you?

I mean,
you speak our verbiage.

I learn from the nuns.


Oh! Hi, little fella.
Little fella?

You gonna grow up and be a big
Korean soldier, just like Daddy?

- His name Su Yong.
- Oh.

- Father is a soldier.
- Uh-huh.

- Not Korean soldier.
- Oh.

His father is G.I. Joe.

Well, I'm afraid we don't have
anybody by that name here, Miss.

Su Yong father speak nice to me,
like wind song.

Well, some of our guys
can really shovel the old wind song.

- His father not just guy.
- Yeah?

He doctor. MASH 4077.

Well, that's our phone number.

And you say he could really
talk up the old wind song, eh?

Pierce and/or Mclntyre.

- Sir?
- Yo.

I took the children
and got them some chow,

but we better order some more rubber
boots, 'cause we got ox problems.

- Where?
- You name it.

Oh, that's one more thing
on my hands.

All right. Get Pierce and Mclntyre
over here on the double.

- Yes, sir.
- Henry.
- Yeah?

- Good news.
- I'll take it.

I had a long, reasonable talk
with the farmer. Everything's cool.

- Great.
- You got three days
to get the hell outta here.

Sam, what's Korean for "suicide"?

That's theJapanese.
We don't do that shtick.

You wanna step in my office
for another goody?

Sam, this is Miss Choon Hi.

The baby is Su Yong.

- You?
- Stand by for the fingering
of the father.

- Aha.
- Him not doctor.

You betcha.
I don't make house calls.

Well, Sheriff, looks like you got
troubles right here in Pregnant City.

- Thanks a lot.
- Gimme the key.

- You called, Master?
- This better be good, Henry.

- It's pretty tough
getting across the compound.
- [Stomps Foot]

Captain Pierce,
Captain Mclntyre,

I believe one of you
knows Miss Choon Hi...

just a little bit better than the
other one of you knows Miss Choon Hi.

Miss Hi claims that she and one
of our doctors committed parenthood.

Any volunteers?

I got the forms
for the boots, sir.

Him doctor!



- [Trying To Speak Korean]
- [Baby Gurgling]

- What's that?
- Mazel tov.

She's applied for legal aid
to theJudge Advocate General,

naming Dr. O'Reilly here
as the father.

Radar. Radar. Radar.

- Our little boy has grown up, Henry.
- I have not!

Well, what do you have to
say about Exhibit "A,"

which is at this moment
having a drink at the bar?

- It's not mine!
- The mother says it is.

Well, what does she know? I mean,
she's mixing me up with somebody else.

That's possible.
You all look alike to us.

Come on, Radar. Level.

Could you be the father?

Of course I could, but I'm not.

I mean, I do, but I didn't.

- Do you admit that you know her?
- Sure I know her.

She's from the village.
I've run into her a few times.

- Well, once, anyway.
- No! Never!

You'd better be telling
the truth, Radar.

They're sending someone
from theJudge Advocate to question you.

- I'm not worried.
- Radar, why would she pick on you?

- Of all people.
- Now what is that crack?

Just 'cause I don't
fool around like you guys...

doesn't mean I don't
fool around like you guys.

I mean, well, you know,
I'm pretty well-known in that village.

- I'm down there every Saturday night.
- Playing doctor.

Radar. Radar. Radar.

- Colonel?
- Frank, this is no time to reenlist.

You have no idea how it disgusts me
to find myself here.

We share your disgust, Frank.

That farmer and his family are making
a shambles out of the compound.

How can you make a shambles
out of a shambles?

These people are your people.

They oughta get down on the ground
and kiss their lucky stars above...

that we are over here spilling our blood
to keep them safe from democracy.

And doing a hell of a job.

Frank, will you just keep your pants on?

I've got a call in
to Civilian Affairs.

Meanwhile, you're just going to
sit there and watch a girl nurse a baby?

Is that girl nursing a baby?

No, that's a child
doing maternal chin-ups.

What the blue blazes
is going on here?

She claims Radar's the father.

You dirty little noncom!

Frank, you've got a baby.

- Three.
- Well, I'm married.

And I'm an officer.

Perhaps you can help me, Officer.
I've just been robbed.

Sir, that baby
is not mine, sir.

[Chuckles] Oh, hogwash.
That's what they all say.

Just check the baby's blood
and the mother's against his type,

and you'll know P.D.Q.

- Very good, Frank.
- Brilliant!

[Burns] It's outrageous!
Cooking, sewing, farming.

- [Blake]
It's called staying alive, Frank.
- They can't do that.

Not on a U.S. American
military post.

Frank, why don't you call
the Civilian Affairs officer?

- Me, sir?
- Yeah, I talked with him.

The man makes no sense,
and you're very good at that.

Yes, sir!
Thank you, sir!

- Go get 'em, Frank. Kill!
- Right!

- It isn't gonna hurt him, is it?
- Of course not.

I'll have you know I've drawn more blood
in my time than Dracula on a blind date.

- It's gonna be all right.
- Okay, pal, here we go.

- You ever think of pediatrics?
- Oh, you make a fortune.

There's gold
in them thar diapers.


- [Baby Crying]
- You said you weren't gonna hurt him!

Oh, Radar, Radar.

You're acting like
a nervous father.

Oh, it's just that
he's so little.

Well, like father, like son.

- Will you cut that out!
- We'll know in a minute.

We're going to match the mother's
blood type and the baby's blood type...

- against yours.
- He's "B."

- Stop peeking at my blood.
- And if the baby's blood type...

doesn't match yours,
you're off the hook.

- And if it does?
- Then that means it's possible.

In which case you either marry the young
lady and take financial responsibility,

or if you want the easy way out, we can
adopt you and hide you in the attic.

We'll get back to you.

- You wanna save us the trouble?
- I'm not worried.

- You understand the implications?
- I do.

Remember that phrase.

- You're not mad?
- [Baby Fussing]

Oh, it's a little unexpected.

- You like the baby?
- Oh, yeah. I like all babies.

Sure is a great way
to start a life.

- Hi, Radar.
- You son of a gun, you.

Takin' the family out to lunch?

Oh, you jokers.

- How about that?
- [Giggles]

This is for you.

It's sort of like food.

Oh, uh,
would you like me to...

Hey, uh, not so fast.

The ice cream won't melt
into the cole slaw for a while yet.

Very spicy.

Better go easy on that stuff, Father.
Melt your beads.

It'll clear your sinus too.

[Jeep Approaches]

- [Man] Colonel Blake?
- Yo!

First Lieutenant Harper, sir.

Oh, you're just in the nick of time.
I'll tell you something.

I got a split-level packin'
crate goin' up,

every boot's been shined
within an inch of its life...

and that ox over there is two years
behind in its fertilizer orders.

- Which one is pregnant, sir?
- Oh, he's here for the flip side, Henry.

Judge Advocate General.

Uh, Lieutenant Harper,
this is Captain Pak, R.O.K.

And this is
Lieutenant Mulcahy, G-O-D.

Well, let's get crackin'.

Major, I certainly do appreciate
the swift and decisive manner...

in which you attacked
this matter.

Just between us majors, Major,

Colonel Blake is not
your clutch-type colonel.

Whatever he puts his hand
to goes kerflooey!

This whole camp is on the fritz.

Well, many thanks again.

Hey, you're my kind of fella.

Hey, maybe we can
get together sometime.

You know, I have a feeling
that we're very much alike.


I beg your pardon!

I'm a married man!
I've got kids...

and everything.

No, I won't call you again,
and don't you ever call me!

- Major.
- Hmm?

- Well, I got results,
even if you didn't, Colonel.
- Fine, Frank, fine.

- Don't you wanna hear about my call?
- One disaster at a time, Frank.

Right now we have to find out whether to
buy a card for Radar this Father's Day.

If we were in the navy,
I'd have you flogged.

Colonel, if you don't mind, I'd like
to interview the complainant first.

- Radar.
- [Baby Gurgling]

- Radar.
- [Baby Gurgling]

You're dismissed until
your presence is re-required.

- Where should I go?
- Try out.

- Out?
- Out, Radar, as in "not in."

Oh, that out.

Now, this is the statement
which bears your signature.

You first met Corporal
Radar O'Reilly on 15 September.

All right. The party's over.
Repeat, the party is over.

Comprende? We're combing you
out of Uncle Sam's beard.


And don't let them try to kid you.
They understand every word I'm saying.

And if they don't,
the ox can translate.

- He's the only one listening.
- Where are they gonna go, Frank?

There's a truck on its way
from Civilian Affairs.

Until we move on, they'll be allowed
to farm the next field.

- [Scoffs]
- Frank, the next field is a minefield.

They'll have to plow it
with a tweezer.

Frank, your head needs work.

Look, Pierce.
I appreciate the unfairness...

of this entire
unfortunate unfairness.

I mean, no one hates this war
better than I do.

Why don't we leave it to the army
to do the right thing?

I mean, they've been
in this war business a long time.

Frank, they are not going to
board that truck!

Until we know
where they're going.

Captains do not order majors!

It's all my fault.
I failed him.

- You're not his father, Henry.
- No, as commanding officer.

Sam, have you ever heard me give
the camp a sex orientation lecture?

- No.
- Oh, man!

I really get the joint rocking.

A kid like Radar
gets worked up awful easy.

Save me a couple of seats
for the next one.

- Colonel.
- Yo.

- I'm ready to talk to the corporal now.
- You got it.

Stop the presses, Henry!

- Everything all right?
- Oh, just fine.

We just finished
typing the blood.

Corporal O'Reilly
has blood type "B."

For proof, I refer you
to his egg-encrusted dog tags.

The mother has blood type "O," and
the aforeborn baby has blood type "A."

Radar is no more the father
of that child than Trapper here.

- I have blood type "B."
- [Harper] Colonel, who are
these gentlemen, please?

Oh, this is Captain Pierce.
This is Captain Mclntyre.

- This is Lieutenant Harper,
Judge Advocate General.
- Are you men doctors?

- Only when the moon is full.
- And will you sign and attest
to that blood report?

- Oh, absolutely.
- Positively.

We're not only brilliant
surgeons, we were once arrested
for notarizing in public.

Same sad story, fellas.

The real G.I. Father left her.
She's not ostracized by her family.

Radar was kind enough
to give her a lift one day,

and instead of a thank-you note,
she gave him the baby.

- Sir!
- Radar.

Sir, I thought it over, and I was lying
before when I said the baby wasn't mine.

- It's hers, mine and ours.
- Radar.

No! You guys wouldn't
know me when I was in town.

I mean, I remember that night
'cause I took a shower.

I was wearin' my paratrooper scarf
with nothing on underneath.

I had maybe two beers,
and I was looking for trouble.

I wanted to get a tattoo,
but the guy had printed "Mother"
so much, he'd run out of ink.

I was taking the jeep back,
saw her hitching a ride and stopped.

And, uh, I'd rather not say anything
more in front of the baby.


- [Horn Honking]
- Oh, Judas Priest, what now?

[Horn Honking]

You're one. You're two.
You're three.

Gimme that! You're four.
You're five. You're six.

- Frank, what's going on?
- They're being relocated in the south...

with some other lucky refugees.

- Anything else I can do?
- You can go with them.

- Just for six months.
- Yeah, till they get settled.

Oh, go jump in the lake!

Why, Radar?

Do you remember
when she first came around
and I said that I do, but I didn't?


Well, I didn't
because I don't, and I never.

But I sure liked the way it felt
when everybody thought I did.

You will.

- You think?
- Oh.

Here you are, my children. Just
a little something to read on the trip.

If you have any questions,
they've got branch offices all over.

Eh, she'll be okay, Radar.
She's got a family again.

All right, Dennis.
So long.

Bye-bye. Good-bye.
Bless you.

- Hi, Radar!
- You talking to me?

Who are you going to go
to the movies with tonight?

- Wear the paratrooper scarf.
- Worked before.