M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 2, Episode 15 - Officers Only - full transcript

Okay, watch the birdie.

Take a deep breath.
Hold it.

- Ginger.
- [X Ray Shutter Clicking]

All right, relax.

- See anything, Doc?
- We send these out to the drugstore
to be developed.

- You stay with us.
We do beautiful work. Feel okay?
- Okay, Doc.

Private Mitchell's
pictures, sir.

Oh, wow.

- That guy looks like
he swallowed a junkyard.
- Yeah.

[Grunts]
Ginger, prep that man for surgery.

It's a chest case,
and I'm too beat to do it alone.



Wake up Hawkeye.

While he's asleep?

That's the best time.

Hawkeye? Hawk?

Hawkeye? Sir?

Radar, who asked you
to wake my feet?

Sir, your head's
at the wrong end.

No, it's not.
It's always been here.

I'm gonna count to three and by the time
I get to one, I want you out of here.

Mclntyre needs you in surgery.

I just came off
14 hours of surgery!

If I cut open one more body,
it'll be yours for waking me.

Out!

Cover my feet.
The light's shining in my toenails.



It's a chest case
and they're prepping the patient.

[Moaning]

If I'd have been a plastic surgeon,
I could be doing noses now
at $1000 a nostril.

Yes, sir.

As an eye man all you do is turn out the
lights, say, "Read the top three lines."

- And you go to sleep
while they're reading it.
- Yes, sir.

Even as a proctologist I'd have been
seeing new faces all the time.

- Clamp.
- Clamp.

- I've got a little bleeding here.
Suction.
- Suction.

This kid had a lot
of artillery for lunch.

- Mm. Ready for the retractor?
- Wait a minute. Okay.

- Rough one, huh?
- Very unpretty.

- How's it going, guys?
- Fine. Pull up a chair.
We'll deal you in.

- You know what you got there?
- Ayoung shrapnel collector.

That's General Mitchell's son,
Fifth Airborne.

[Mclntyre]
A general's son?

- Hey, Hawk, we're finally
playing the Palace.
- Now I'd wished we washed.

How's he doing?

He's got tracheal lacerations,
but the esophagus is okay.

- Right.
- [Houlihan] Colonel?

Major Burns is ready to assist.

What do you think I'm doing,
stalling till my room is ready?

I think it fitting a captain
be assisted by a major
when working on the son of a general.

I think you just conjugated
the Pentagon. Lap sponge.

Colonel, I outrank Mclntyre.

It is well within my purview
to order him away from that table.

Frank, why don't we just take
our gloves off and step outside?

I'm not operating too loud
for you people, am I?

All right, let's can the chatter.
Pierce, any way we can help?

How about deserting
alphabetically? Suction.

Klinger, you've asked
for my advice.

- Now, I realize how badly
you want out of the army.
- Yes, sir.

But it's my considered opinion
that no one's going to believe
that you're pregnant.

Well, I don't expect
them to, sir.

I just want them to see
I'm so crazy that I think...

they would think
I'm gonna have a baby.

Well, it's none of my business,
Klinger, but, uh,

should someone in your condition
be smoking a cigar?

- Gen. Mitchell's helicopter's
just landing, sir.
- Gen. Mitchell?

- Yes, sir. I sent a jeep for him.
- Holy cow!

Uh, Radar, kill the laundry.

Klinger, would you fix the bed?

Congratulations.

- Can I do anything else, sir?
- Uh, no.

- Yes, get rid of those pillows.
I'm terminating your pregnancy.
- Not in front of the general.

- I'll just wear my basic black,
maybe pearls.
- Get out.

Ten-hut!

Col. Blake.

General.

Uh, dismissed, Corporal.

Yes, sir.

- Corporal?
- Uh, well,

he's in the big show
Saturday night.

I understand my boy couldn't have been
in better hands, Colonel.

- Well, we did our best, General.
- He's doing well, is he?

Very well.
Right now he's sleeping like a baby.

Like a general's baby.

Captain.

You do much fishing, do you?

Oh, I do a little fooling around.

I'd like to have seen the one
that got away.

You know how it is.

Yeah, I used to.

- Uh, Corporal O'Reilly.
- Yes, sir!

- Would you, um...
- Yes, sir. I'll, uh...

Yes, sir.
I'll get these to a poor family.

Oh, that'll be very nice.

Well, uh, I'd like to go over
to the hospital and visit the boy,

- if you don't mind.
- Oh, yes, indeed.

Here's a little token
of my appreciation.

That's 12-year-old scotch.

- That's very generous, General.
- Goes down real smooth.

Well, at that age,
it should know the way.

- Vital signs?
- Blood pressure: 130 over 80.

Pulse: 92.

- Continue the I.V.s.
- Yes, Doctor.

[Whispering]
Frank, here comes the general.

- How do I look?
- Straighten up.

Yes, Doctor, we're continuing
the I.V. S as ordered.

Gen. Mitchell,
Maj. Houlihan, Maj. Burns.

Doctor, I wanna thank you
for operating on my son.

Uh, well, sir, l...

Well, the major didn't actually
operate in the sense that he operated.

His participation, more or less,
took the form of offering
to assist the surgeon...

who was assisting the surgeon
who did the operation without
the further need of assistance.

Maj. Burns wanted to be free...
to supervise.

- Supervision is your key
in an important operation.
- Uh-huh.

Somebody has to be there to say,

"How's everything going, men?"

It obviously went well.

Your son deserves a great deal
of the credit, General.

That's the truth.
He came through it like a trouper.

Or rather a paratrooper in this case.

Yes, we're all proud of him
the way he laid there.

I'm indebted to all of you.

I would like to meet the doctor
who performed the operation.

That would be our Capt. Pierce. Best
doctor in the whole darn shootin' match.

Well, men, name it.

- Name what, sir?
- The general wants to reward our effort.

The captain's very fast
at catching my drift.

I played left drift
in high school.

I'd like to say thank you
in some substantial way.

How 'bout surrendering
so we can all go home?

At least call the war a draw.

Oh, General, I think
your offer is more than enough.

- No, no!
- I agree.

- His offer is less than enough.
- Don't be so modest
with our greed, Henry.

How about three days in Tokyo?

Do three nights go along with it?

A suite at the Imperial Hotel.

And a "please disturb" sign
on the door.

You got it!

You will wear trousers in Tokyo?

At least until we check in.

What? Oh, wait.
Hold on. He just walked in.

- Telephone, sir.
- Hi, there. How are you today?

- Who am I talking to?
- Mr. Yurkuri.
He runs the Imperial Hotel.

Yes, sir,
what can I do for you?

When?
Last night?

In the main dining room?

They sent a case of pipe cleaners
to MacArthur's table.

Sir, I can guarantee you the men will
be severely reprimanded the minute...

What? When?

4:00 in the morning?

Yes, sir, I'll grant you,
that's a little out of line.

- What, sir?
- Rickshaw races in the lobby.

What is your name, sir?
Yoger... Yog...

Everett, is it?
Everett, let me get back to yosu.

If you'll just tell me, ma'am,
how many of the girls are
missing, maybe I can help you.

Half the graduating class
of your pearl diving school?

Sir?

Uh, sir, are you asleep?

What have they done, Radar?

- The Fujikowa bath house in Tokyo.
- Mm-hmm.

They report Captains Pierce and Mclntyre
were bobbing for customers.

Thank you, Radar.

Yes, sir.

Ah, home at last.

It's good to get away,
but it's lousy to get back.

Jennings, put the bags in our suite,

have the jeep washed and
take the rest of the war off.

- What is that?
- [Burns] An officers'club.

When you two were wallowing
in the fleshpots ofTokyo,

I arranged for that
with Gen. Mitchell.

- Terrific!
- And you wanted to write him
out of your will.

[Chuckles]
Hey, this is great.

Slot machines, jukebox.
It's done in early kickback.

Now there's a general who really knows
how to pay his doctor's bill.

[Hammering]

Orders, sirs.

What do you think of that?

You leave the place three days,
it turns into an army camp.

What is that thick brown stuff?

It's either liquid steak
or chocolate pudding with gristle.

Ten-hut!

Radar, what the hell is this?

The senior N.C.O. Present
requests Captain's permission
for men to resume eating, sir.

I believe this is the first case
of teenage male menopause.

Come on, you guys.
Break it up.

Yeah, as you were.

You're not serious?

Well, the new officers' only club
is for officers only and etcetera,

just like this.

Radar, it's us,
your aunt and uncle.

Yeah, how can you frost us? Think of
all we've been through together.

- We got you drunk the first time.
- Taught you how to drive a jeep.

Both on the same night.

I remember that well, sir.
Thank you, sir.

Radar, if you don't cut that out, I'll
pull your cap down over your shoulder.

- We're gonna talk to Henry.
- We'll get the sign taken down.

- There'll be no discriminating
around here.
- Absolutely. Trust us.

You gonna eat your fat?

We really reached him.

- That was good work, Lieutenant.
Thank you.
- Thank you, Doctor.

How about if I pick you up
about 8:00, your tent?

- And then?
- About 8:15, my tent.

- What do you say?
- Doctor, you're naughty.

With any luck at all.

You know, I was thinking...

- Hey, Henry, hold baby time.
- Ha, ha. Back from Tokyo, are we?

- Apparently.
- Did you have a good time?

- Great.
- Well, you did everything
but swim in the emperor's moat.

- Henry, what about the officers' club?
- That's a beauty, isn't it?

It's prefab.
You know something.

Just two-and-a-half hours after that
big chopper set down that first wall,

I was wearing a lamp shade and being
sick over anybody that would listen.

- But Henry, the place is restricted.
- That's not true.

Any officer, regardless of race,
color or creed can go in
and get bombed out of his skull.

Come on, Henry.
It's not fair. Hey, hey.

All the enlisted guys
are very disgruntled.

Look, I can't be responsible
for anybody's "gruntlement."

Gen. Mitchell,
out of the kindness of his gratitude,
gave us this marvelous club,

which by the by can double
as a church on Sunday.

Oh, great. St. Patrick's Church
and Grill.

Pierce, I'm serious.
We throw a poncho over the jukebox
and we can use it for a pulpit.

Terrific.
We get three sermons for a quarter.

Henry, listen.
That place is so un-us.

Well, I wanna tell you something.
The club is up, the sign is up...

and so is the time
you're spending on my back.

- So get off!
- Touch a nerve?

Henry, look. If we can get
enough officers to agree with us,

- will you throw the club
open for everybody?
- Yeah, sure.

If you can swing it, fine.
Okay?

Henry, you're one of the three
great people in this conversation.

Thank you.

Hey, on the level, guys,

did you really send pipe
cleaners to Gen. MacArthur?

No, it was a lady correspondent.

Her corncob fooled us.

Hey. I was...

Here you are, Major.
One Shirley Temple.

I've been looking forward
to this all day.

That's very good, um...

Kwang Duk, sir.

- That's a cute name.
- We're a cute people.

[Wolf Whistle]

Hi, soldier.
All alone?

What'll you have, my dear?

A scotch old-fashioned,
without the fruit, please.

One scotch old-fashioned,
hold the garbage.

We'll be at our table.

- Major.
- Thank you, Major.

Pretzels, peanuts?

Frank, you're a different
person when we go out.

Thank you, Kwang.
Put that on my tab.

And add five percent
for yourself.

Thank you, sir.

To the best night nurse
I've ever known.

- [Chuckles] You devil.
- [Devious Chuckle]

Hi, gang. Spanky got a flat,
or we would have been here sooner.

Oh, do join us.

- Innkeeper?
- Yes, sir?

Two very dry martinis. And Margaret,
what is that, an old-fashioned?

- Without fruit, yes.
- Frank?

- He knows what I'm drinking.
- Another Shirley Temple.

With a Jane Withers chaser.

Easy, Frank.
You're operating later.

Listen, you two bozos.

The major and I were having
a quiet drink together,
and I'd appreciate it if you'd amscray.

Margaret, let me dance
my way into your heart.

- Now just a minute!
- Be patient, Frank.
I'll get to you next.

Where does he get off...

Frank, I want you to sign this petition
to let enlisted men into the club.

Are you goofy?

Must we dance so close?

I do.
It's a muscular problem.

If I don't rub thighs with someone
every four hours, I get the bends.

Keep your distance.

- Margaret?
- Yes?

We've got a petition to let
the enlisted men in the club.

- Forget it.
- Sign it, Margaret.

I'm warning you.
My legs are loaded.

- What's he doing?
- Nothing to worry about, Frank.

You can still see
some light between them.

Come on.
Sign the petition.

Fat chance, bub.

Margaret, if you don't sign I'll give
you a dip your coccyx will never forget.

Excuse me.

Big shot.
I'll finish this dance.

Well, I guess the best man won,
ya big lug.

- Any luck?
- Frank wouldn't sign
his own stay of execution.

- How did you do with her?
- Fantastic, but she wouldn't sign.

- I don't suppose you'd like
to finish this dance?
- Not really.

Let's get back to the ship.

- How you doing, tiger?
- Whole lot better, Doc.

As someone who's seen your inside,
I can tell you your outside looks great.

- Klinger.
- Yes, sir.

Discontinue the I. V. S
and start him on a full liquid diet.

Yes, sir.
Will do, sir.

[Man Over P.A.]
Attention, all officers.

Gen. Maynard Mitchell will officially
open the officers'club...

at 2100 hours today.

For the enlisted personnel,
there will be a special
screening in the mess tent...

of an animated V.D. Cartoon,
Hansel and Regretel.

2100 hours, huh?

- Maybe we can work something out.
- Could be.

- Okay, you got your orders.
- Yes, sir. Right away, sir.

Cut that out or
I'll snap your garter belt.

## [Swing Jazz]

- Yo.
- May I serve you, sir?

You bet ya.
I've been dying for a banana daiquiri.

Is that a drink, sir?

Oh, yeah. You just take
some bananas and some rum...

and some cream and some crushed ice
and you just put it in a blender.

We've got no bananas, no rum
and no blender, sir.

And only powdered cream.

- Okay, give me a beer.
- Yes, sir.

Major, Major, Colonel, Captain.

Captain, Colonel, Major, Major.

Well, I for one am impressed.

Dress uniforms.
And you even shaved.

Well, if you could,
it was the least we could do.

Kwang?

Uh, two martinis, please,
painfully dry.

- Yes, sir.
- [Officer] Ten-hut!

As you were, people.

- Gen. Mitchell.
- Colonel.

It's both an honor and a privilege
and a pleasure to welcome you...

to that which only through
your magnanimous generosity...

are we able to be standing
in the middle of it.

That's the least
I could do.

- General, I believe you remember me.
- Oh, yes, of course.

I'm the backup surgeon who supervised
the possible assistance,

if not the actual operation
of your son.

I see, yes.

- Maj. Houlihan, in charge of nursing.
- I can believe that.

And I'm Capt. Pierce,
the African explorer.

I understand my boy's
doing very well, Captain.

- Well, I've been giving him
around-the-clock attention, sir.
- But he's getting better anyway.

- I'd like to get over
to the hospital and see him.
- General?

Would you like to have a little drink
first to sort of baptize the bar?

- We were counting on you
to throw out the first drunk.
- Well, uh...

Yes, of course.

- Let me have a rye.
- A rye and what, sir?

- Rye and don't stop bringing it.
- Yes, sir.

- Sir? Sir?
- Yes?

- Gary!
- Hi, Dad. I'd salute,
but I might fall on my face.

- You walked up here on your own, huh?
- Well, with a little help.

- Pretty good, huh?
- Come on in. I'll buy you a drink.

General, I'm sorry, sir.

Perhaps you don't realize it, but
your wife gave birth to an enlisted man.

And it is officers only.

Pierce, I'd like to talk to you for
a minute about your possible execution.

I wonder if I could
say something useful.

I've often wondered
that myself, Frank.

Gen. Mitchell gave us this club,
and I think, fair man that he is,

he's entitled to hold it
over our heads.

- Hear, hear!
- [Gen. Mitchell] No, no!

Pierce has a point.

The custom is officers only.

Well, perhaps we should
stretch that point, General.
Make an exception for relatives.

What do you say, Blake?
It's your outfit.

My mind is wide open, sir,
to whatever you think.

- Come on.
- Now remember.

No booze.
You're still convalescing.

Now that we've established
the policy,

there are a few relatives
of my own I'd like to bring in.

Corporal O'Reilly,
who's been like a son to me.

Corporal Klinger,
who's been like a daughter.

Here's the rest
of my little family.

- ##[Mclntyre Humming
"Battle Hymn of the Republic"]
- Cousin Fred.

- My brother-in-law Leroy.
- ##[All Humming]

My cousin Phil.

My second cousin
on my mother's side, Ed.

Bill, my mother's
cousin's brother.

Sam, my cousin's
brother's mother.

## [Swing Jazz]

[Slurred Speech] I don't care
if he is a general. That's too close.

Right.

Why don't you have some more
of your Shirley Temple, Frank?

Right.

I'm gonna punch him
in the nose.

- Oh, go get him, Frank.
- Right.

First, I think
I'll have a little faint.