M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 2, Episode 13 - Deal Me Out - full transcript
At 1800 hours, Major Sidney Freedman (Allan Arbus) and Captain Sam Pak (Pat Morita) meet for the usual conference at The Swamp. Frank is on duty in OR and Radar asked to borrow Henry's jeep to go to the Purple Dragon. Klinger is first to "deal in" at the conference, attired in sweater, skirt and earrings. En route to his big night, Radar meets Whiplash Hwang, the fall-down king of Korea. Henry is first to "deal out" to help Radar. Frank is too scared to operate on a CID man without another one present. As Henry "deals in," the Captains "deal out" to prevent the CID man from cashing in altogether from his severe internal injuries. Frank calls CID and snitches to CID "Captain Halloran" (Edward Winters) but Halloran prefers to "deal in" than to arrest surgeons. Frank mercilessly taunts Private Carter (John Ritter) in Post Op. Severe battle fatigue and/or Frank's personality induces Carter to grab Frank at gunpoint in the shower. If you want inscrutable, it is 5-card stud, high-low, buy one at the end and low hole-card wild. But if you want the psychiatric basis for gambling, drinking or giving birth, take a seat at the conference table...and deal in.
Welcome to the 4077 th,
Major Freedman.
The conference will start
at 1800 hours, sharp.
I'll be there.
Oh, sir, if you'd like a drink,
compliments of Colonel Blake.
Scotch, gin, vodka.
And for your convenience,
all in the same bottle.
- Thank you, Corporal.
- Oh, you're welcome, sir.
The conference starts
at 1800 hours, sir.
Good. I can get in
a little sack time.
Oh, yes, sir.
- Corporal.
- Sir?
Have a nurse wake me...
a little at a time.
Yes, sir.
[Mclntyre]
How'd you get out of it?
I just sat her down and I said,
"Honey, it'll never work.
You're too good for me."
- Was she?
- No, as a matter of fact,
she wasn't very good at all.
- You have a lot of trouble
with women, don't you?
- Every chance I can.
- Sponge.
- Sponge.
- [Knocking]
- Yeah?
I just wanted to remind you, sirs, that
the conference is set for 1800 hours.
- How much is that in people time?
- 6:00.
Wow!
Hey, Radar, without your glasses
you could almost pass for offensive.
Hey, why don't you
leave the little fellow alone?
It's okay.
I can take a joke.
- [Mclntyre] Hey!
- Wait a minute!
Where you going?
I was kidding!
- He's kidding!
- You're beautiful!
- [Knocking]
- Yo.
Sir, Major Freedman and Captain Pak have
arrived and will be ready at 1800 hours.
Oh, that's terrific, Radar.
Cut yourself shaving, sir?
No, Radar. I thought I'd wear
three pieces of toilet paper tonight.
Maybe start a new trend.
- I don't think it'll catch on.
- That'll be all, Radar.
- Sir, could I ask a favor?
- Ask away.
- Can I use the jeep tonight?
- Oh?
Got a little action
lined up tonight, Radar?
Well, me and a couple of guys
are going down to the Purple Dragon.
It's supposed to be
real nifty.
Oh, Radar,
the Purple Dragon is a Lockheed bomber
packing crate they emptied...
and stuck in a jukebox
and a bunch of B-girls on roller skates.
Yeah.
I wouldn't touch one of those girls
if I was a ten-foot pole.
- Uh, but, sir...
- Do you remember the training
film you saw yesterday?
- Oh, don't worry about me, sir.
I know what to do.
- Uh-huh.
I'm not gonna get trench foot.
- Have a good time.
- Thank you, sir.
Gentlemen, I make it
1800 hours.
We're all assembled.
Let's begin.
Okay.
First ace deals.
Here we go. Oops.
- Nice dealing, Henry.
- That's embarrassing.
- Did you cut those cards, Henry?
- Somebody ought to cut Henry.
Okeydoke, ante up.
How 'bout a little five-card stud?
Jake.
Three of clubs.
Deuce. Lady.
Ooh. And a big ace for the dealer.
Sorry about that.
- Bet a buck blind.
- Okay.
- Call.
- Call.
The winning hand is folding.
- The pot is ripe.
- Hi, sirs.
Sandwiches from the mess tent.
I hope everybody
likes carrier pigeon.
There's ham, chicken and something
brown that just lays there.
Here we go.
Jack, four.
Pair of threes.
Queen. Ace, four.
Everybody know Klinger?
This is Captain Pak, Major Freedman.
Ah, the psychiatrist.
Still trying to get out
wearing dresses, Klinger.
Earrings with a sweater?
Klinger, be creative.
I remember a guy, insisted
he was a cockroach...
who would only crawl
along the woodwork.
That was Private Kafka, I believe.
Then I had a young man
who claimed to be reincarnated.
Said he was with Washington
at Valley Forge,
and therefore he'd already
done his military service.
Just a moment, Nurse.
Hold it, people.
Lieutenant Rogers?
Yes, sir?
This man can't be put under.
He's army counterintelligence.
Can't be anesthetized unless
there's another C.I.D. Man present.
In case he tells anything
under sedation. Regulations.
I've notified your H.Q.
There will be someone here in a hour.
And I guarantee you you're
absolutely in no danger, I think.
Thanks, Doc.
Five clams.
- I'm out.
- I'm in.
I wonder what the chances are
of my getting the fifth jack?
Oh, well, not to worry.
Your five and up five.
That's mean.
I'm gonna beat the pants
off you, lady.
- Hey, where'd we get the kosher salami?
- I brought it.
Little girl I knew at Berkeley
sent it. She's a yenta now.
Okay, okay, here we go.
Down and dirty.
- [Groans]
- What's your problem, poker face?
I'm committing suicide.
Go out in turn, Sidney.
Oops, just found something,
but I'll check.
Hey, I bought the fifth jack.
I'm out.
Dealer bets ten bucks.
Colonel?
- Uh, Colonel?
- Let's see here.
Fondling your chips
is very infantile.
- Not now, Sidney.
- Colonel?
- Not now, Radar.
- But, sir...
Radar, whatever it is, sign it,
cancel it or order five more.
All right, Klinger,
I'll see your bet.
- What do you got?
- Full house.
Aces full of tens.
Oh, rats!
Just missed.
- A pair of deuces?
- I don't have to show.
Sir, it's important.
And private.
Okay, deal me out.
- What do you wanna play next, Sam?
- Five-card stud.
High-low.
You can buy one at the end...
and low hole card wild.
Now, that's inscrutable.
Wait a minute!
Almost killed who?
I don't know what his name is, sir.
You know how dark it is.
I was driving along, and then all
of a sudden I felt this thump.
- I think it was a thump.
- Was it a thud or a thump?
No, it was more like a thump.
It was real sharp-like.
Yes, it was definitely
a thump, sir... a Korean thump.
Why a Korean thump?
'Cause I ran over a Korean.
Holy mackerel, Radar!
Hitting a Korean national!
- They'll put in the cooler till
you're a little old corporal.
- Yes, sir.
Just take it easy, son.
Where is he?
- He's in the hospital.
- Let's go.
Yes, sir. I'm really sorry
to take you away from your card game.
Ah, Radar, don't you think you mean
more to me than a pair of deuces?
Thank you, one and all.
A popular win.
Well, I think it's about time
we separate the men from the boys
around here.
- You the new sheriff?
- That's right, sonny.
And this here's
the new schoolmarm.
Deal, Tex,
already.
No contusions,
no abrasions, no bleeding.
- That's good, isn't it, sir?
- No bleeding is best, Radar.
Yes, sir.
- How you feel, old timer?
- [Moaning]
Okay, Nurse, let's get some X rays,
find out if anything's broken.
- Yes, sir.
- His old bones snap like kindling.
Uh, gee, I sure am sorry, mister.
[Speaking Korean]
I think he understands.
Radar, let me know.
I'll be at the game.
- Whose deal is it?
- I dealt last.
Oh, okay, it's me.
Cut.
Five-card draw, dollar and two,
jacks or better, progressive.
Oh, I see the "conference"
is in full swing.
Hi, Frank.
What's new up on the mount?
Read any good
commandments lately?
It's against regulations
to gamble with an enlisted man.
You never enlisted,
did you, Klinger?
When they came for me, I ran like a
thief right into Grand Central Station.
They trapped me in a pay toilet.
- [Mclntyre] Beautiful.
- Cost 'em four dollars
in nickels to get me out.
I love a volunteer.
You know, during the physical,
they jabbed me with a coat hanger
to get me to cough.
Boy, if this doesn't
take the cake.
Officers laughing
at a draft-dodger while
a real soldier lies bleeding in O.R.
- What do you mean, bleeding?
- Who's bleeding in O.R.?
A C.I.D. Man. His chopper crashed.
Looks like multiple internal injuries.
- So why aren't you operating on him?
- You can't anesthetize...
a C.I.D. Man unless
there's another one present.
- That's crazy.
- There's an officer on his way
from H.Q. Be here anytime.
Anytime, Frank? How many minutes
are there in an anytime, Frank?
I gave him two units. I assure you
his condition is stable now.
- Being a horse doctor you'd know that.
- I lost a kid that way once.
- Come on, Trap.
- Now, be advised.
If you so much as touch that patient,
you're violating army regulations.
Frank, we promise to keep saluting
all during the operation.
Deal us out.
Okay, deal me in.
- Lap sponge.
- [Nurse] Lap sponge.
Keep that suction going.
This guy's drowning in himself.
- He could have easily cashed in.
- Is that Frank a pip?
My vote is we put him
in front of a 21 -gun salute.
I'll tell you this. Frank has
definitely put me off reenlisting.
Give me another clamp.
Come on. Quick.
Hope this guy doesn't mind
ignoring orders by living.
- Clamp.
- Sponge.
- Okay, that's enough.
- No, it's not.
Nothing broken here, Radar.
Everything's right where it ought to be.
- Are you sure, sir?
- Radar, I don't know
all the medicine in the world,
but I can read an X ray with
one eye tied behind my back.
Even the hairline. A little loss
of calcium, but that's understandable.
He was born two years
before Moses.
Yes, sir.
But look it.
He's all stiff.
It looks like he's paralyzed.
There's your syndrome...
trauma-induced hysterical paralysis.
- Wow. That can't be good.
- It's classic, Radar.
His mind's raising hell with his body
for getting him in an accident.
It just says, "You just lay there
for a while and be rigid,
and that'll teach you."
See?
It's all said in Korean, of course.
Well, let's throw the old blanket back
and see what I can find.
No, thank you.
What's wrong, Frank?
- I can handle this, Colonel.
- Well, handle it quietly, will you?
I got an old geezer here
stiff as an ironing board.
That's the last tray you're going
to upset, soldier. There's a war on!
And we've no time for violence.
I don't wanna go back up there.
I don't wanna go.
Nobody wants to go, fella.
We all know it's brutal at the front,
especially those of us at the rear.
There's nothing wrong with you, see?
It's all in your head.
But don't get the idea
it's psychological.
I'm not buying that old
combat fatigue dodge.
You're going back
into the front line, soldier.
The army doesn't care
about your head.
Just get the enemy in the crosshairs
and blast away.
What's up, Frank?
Fort Sumter been fired upon?
Did you get to the
"whites of their eyes" part?
You did it, didn't you?
Operated on the C.I.D. Man.
Yeah, we thought we'd
save his life for kicks.
I wouldn't wanna be in your shoes
when this thing hits the fan.
Oh, you're a big fan hitter,
aren't you, Frank?
I don't wanna go back.
I don't wanna go back!
Shut up or I'll have you
shipped out tonight.
- Hey, Frank.
- Hmm?
Doctors, medicine,
compassion... remember?
- We're here to serve.
- Ours is a dedicated, humane profession.
[Man Over P.A.]
Will Doctors Pierce and Mclntyre
kindly return to the conference.
They need your money.
- Dr. Mclntyre.
- After you, Dr. Pierce.
There's a possible straight.
A pair of threes.
Another queen.
I don't know.
And garbage for the dealer.
Pair of queens bets.
- Trapper?
- Wait a minute. What's everybody got?
- You like to look
at my hole card, gringo?
- Very funny. Don't rush me.
Would you like to make a bet
before the war goes into overtime?
- Okay. I'll check
to the possible straight.
- Check along.
- I'm out.
- I'm light five.
- "El foldo."
- All right, I'll see you.
- Over and out.
- Sam, did you get the straight?
Did I hit the straight?
Two, three, four, five, nine.
My queens held up.
Sell me another stack, Shirley.
- Hold it. Everybody freeze.
- What's the matter?
One of the sandwiches just moved.
I can tell you this much, Major. This
is definitely a court-martial offense.
- I warned them. I warned them.
- Why didn't you order them?
A warning is like an order. If you warn
hard enough, that's sort of"orderish."
- Were you in the operating room
with them?
- No.
I don't like to be around
when rules are broken.
A rough situation, Major. This man's
head's full of intelligence.
That's not my department, sir.
Intelligence is something
I try to avoid.
I can see that, yes.
How long will he be out?
Oh, he'll be a little groggy
for three, maybe four hours.
I want a reliable M.P.
Sitting right there with a pad
and a pencil all the time.
- Just in case.
- Okay.
You people really know
a lot of secrets, don't you?
Yes, we do, but you didn't
hear that from me.
Stuff about the war and the Commies and
what they do to women that won't talk?
Yep.
- Now, where are these surgeons?
- Right this way, sir.
Lights out, soldier!
Stuff it, Major!
- What the hell is that?
- Oh, he's pretending to be violent.
Great imitation.
I'll settle your hash
later, mister!
Okay, moving right along now.
Dealer's choice.
Five-card stud.
Sidney, what's the psychiatric
basis for gambling?
- Sex.
- Why?
I don't know.
They tell me to say it.
Sex is why we gamble. Sex is why
we drink. Sex is why we give birth.
- Thank you, Doctor.
- I'm taking a five-dollar chip.
That was a house call.
Are you guys gonna play cards
or chew the fat?
If I wanna chew the fat,
I'll eat a sandwich.
- Henry, bet the bullet.
- Okay, I'll bet a buck.
- Here they are.
- Pierce. Mclntyre.
- Where?
- You two are under arrest.
Whoa.
Hold the phone.
I'm Colonel Blake here. Nobody arrests
them without telling me the whys...
and wherefores
or the reason thereofs.
They operated on a C.I.D. Man
without another C.I.D. Man standing by.
[C.I.D. Man]
Captain Halloran.
Okay. Did you guys
really do that?
- Henry, the guy could have died.
- [Pierce] He was bleeding, Henry.
And Frank here who studied
medicine under General Rommel
was too chicken to operate.
He was afraid under anesthesia
the lieutenant might give away
Harry Truman's hat size.
- Were you present when Lt. Rogers
was given anesthesia?
- Of course.
Just a minute.
Colonel.
- Can these men be trusted?
- Well, certainly.
What about her?
She's my wife.
- That's a very interesting joke, Sam.
- Thanks for seeing me, Sidney.
Look, Captain. The lieutenant
went under like a doll.
The only thing he said under anesthesia
was, "Honey, you're the greatest."
It was a textbook operation.
No complications.
He'll be up and snooping in a week.
- Is that the full poop?
- And nothing but the poop.
I split a gut
getting down here.
Look, if it'll make
you feel any better,
the blues are five, the reds are
a dollar and the whites are 50 cents.
Deal me in.
It's amazing!
Anyone who comes in here
is instantly corrupted!
Hurry up, Frank.
The good ship Lollipop is leaving.
Hey, up close you're a guy.
Far away too.
- Uh, sir?
- [All] Yes?
- Colonel, sir?
- Radar, I'm trying to lose some money.
Sir, this is about
the man that I, uh...
Radar had a jeep accident.
He hit a local.
- What happened, kid?
- The guy's all right. He's sitting up.
- I told you, Radar.
- Says if I give him 50 bucks,
he won't report me to the M.P.s.
Hey, Corporal, is this
a little guy about five-foot nothing,
anywhere between 50
and 200 years old?
- Yes, sir.
- He looks like he fell off
a charm bracelet?
- Yes, sir.
- His name is Hwang?
- Yes, that's what he said, sir.
- You know who you got here...
the famous Whiplash Hwang.
- What?
- He's the fall-down king of Korea.
Professional accident victim.
He pretends to let a jeep bang into him.
- Then he gets whatever he can for it.
- That's pathetic.
Yeah, it is in a way.
He was a farmer before the war, and then
he had to hit the road, literally.
All right, come on.
Ten bucks a man ought to do it.
Hey, this is blackmail.
Maybe I ought to run him in.
Maybe you will
on the way home.
Okay, the pot's right.
- Here you go, Radar.
- Thank you, sir. All you sirs.
- Come on, Hawk. Deal.
- These sandwiches for anybody?
Anybody with a death wish.
Where were we?
- Whose bet is it?
- Ace, four bets.
- Okay, one buck.
- It's 2:30. Should we set a time limit?
Okay, one week from today,
we deal once around to me.
[Gunshots]
- That's gunfire.
- It's 2:30 in the morning.
- Maybe there's
an after-hours war around here.
- [Gunshot]
- Radar, what's going on?
- It's a patient, sir. He blew his cork.
- Sidney, front and center.
- I'm not going out there
without a bulletproof couch.
[Gunshots]
Okay, the first thing people do
in a situation like this is panic.
I think I'm doing it
in the right order.
Let me go out there.
One shot and I'll stop him.
Hold it. Anything you put
in him, we have to take out.
One bullet.
That's all.
Okay, one bullet.
Just don't use the gun.
[Burns]
Make way, soldier!
That's Major Burns.
He's in the shower!
Pierce. Mclntyre.
Sidney. Come on.
I'm not going back up to the line.
The noise is terrible.
Yes, I understand.
The noise can be very loud.
- Shells have a tendency to explode.
- You've been there. You know.
Actually, no one's ever asked me.
But I see almost every war picture
that comes out. I feel it's my duty.
You got no clothes on.
Well, I like to take them
off when I have a shower.
- Put that gun down.
- Why do you wanna send me back?
Yo? Frank?
You alone in there?
Well, not exactly.
Uh, Private Carter's
in here with me.
I'm fully naked.
He has a gun.
- You all right, Frank?
- Sure. Fine. Well, you know.
- You're a liar.
- Yes, I am.
I'd be lying if I said I weren't.
Would you like my sponge?
Private Carter,
this is Dr. Freedman.
I'm sick of doctors!
This one keeps saying
he wants me to go back to the front!
He's a good man, one of the best
in the profession,
a terrific doctor
and a great human being.
Maybe we should call
Father Mulcahy.
He could give the truth
the last rites.
[Carter]
The hell he's a great human being.
Yes, the hell I am!
- Carter, what's the problem?
- He's the problem!
He keeps waving the flag
in my face!
Ten thousand doctors and
we had to get Betsy Ross.
Carter, if there's a legitimate reason
for you not to go back to the line,
I promise you won't go.
- I've heard that before!
- [Gunshot]
[Blake]
Ambulance!
- He's all right, Sidney.
- Yeah, I'm all right.
Yeah. Just take it very slow.
Take it easy.
- Frank, are you all right?
- It's all over now.
Well, I must admit
I was scared silly...
until I, uh, got
the gun away from him.
You know...
[Man Screams]
[Man Moaning]
I never saw him, honest.
[Moaning Continues]
Let's go, Whiplash.
You've had a busy day.
I never saw him, honest.
[Blake] Hey, guys,
let's pack it in. What do you say?
Okay.
Same time next week?
I thought this was
the same time next week. Let's quit.
- I've had enough.
- Yeah, I've had it too.
- Who deals?
- Me, I guess.
Cut 'em, Sam.
Okay, five-card draw.
High, low.
Major Freedman.
The conference will start
at 1800 hours, sharp.
I'll be there.
Oh, sir, if you'd like a drink,
compliments of Colonel Blake.
Scotch, gin, vodka.
And for your convenience,
all in the same bottle.
- Thank you, Corporal.
- Oh, you're welcome, sir.
The conference starts
at 1800 hours, sir.
Good. I can get in
a little sack time.
Oh, yes, sir.
- Corporal.
- Sir?
Have a nurse wake me...
a little at a time.
Yes, sir.
[Mclntyre]
How'd you get out of it?
I just sat her down and I said,
"Honey, it'll never work.
You're too good for me."
- Was she?
- No, as a matter of fact,
she wasn't very good at all.
- You have a lot of trouble
with women, don't you?
- Every chance I can.
- Sponge.
- Sponge.
- [Knocking]
- Yeah?
I just wanted to remind you, sirs, that
the conference is set for 1800 hours.
- How much is that in people time?
- 6:00.
Wow!
Hey, Radar, without your glasses
you could almost pass for offensive.
Hey, why don't you
leave the little fellow alone?
It's okay.
I can take a joke.
- [Mclntyre] Hey!
- Wait a minute!
Where you going?
I was kidding!
- He's kidding!
- You're beautiful!
- [Knocking]
- Yo.
Sir, Major Freedman and Captain Pak have
arrived and will be ready at 1800 hours.
Oh, that's terrific, Radar.
Cut yourself shaving, sir?
No, Radar. I thought I'd wear
three pieces of toilet paper tonight.
Maybe start a new trend.
- I don't think it'll catch on.
- That'll be all, Radar.
- Sir, could I ask a favor?
- Ask away.
- Can I use the jeep tonight?
- Oh?
Got a little action
lined up tonight, Radar?
Well, me and a couple of guys
are going down to the Purple Dragon.
It's supposed to be
real nifty.
Oh, Radar,
the Purple Dragon is a Lockheed bomber
packing crate they emptied...
and stuck in a jukebox
and a bunch of B-girls on roller skates.
Yeah.
I wouldn't touch one of those girls
if I was a ten-foot pole.
- Uh, but, sir...
- Do you remember the training
film you saw yesterday?
- Oh, don't worry about me, sir.
I know what to do.
- Uh-huh.
I'm not gonna get trench foot.
- Have a good time.
- Thank you, sir.
Gentlemen, I make it
1800 hours.
We're all assembled.
Let's begin.
Okay.
First ace deals.
Here we go. Oops.
- Nice dealing, Henry.
- That's embarrassing.
- Did you cut those cards, Henry?
- Somebody ought to cut Henry.
Okeydoke, ante up.
How 'bout a little five-card stud?
Jake.
Three of clubs.
Deuce. Lady.
Ooh. And a big ace for the dealer.
Sorry about that.
- Bet a buck blind.
- Okay.
- Call.
- Call.
The winning hand is folding.
- The pot is ripe.
- Hi, sirs.
Sandwiches from the mess tent.
I hope everybody
likes carrier pigeon.
There's ham, chicken and something
brown that just lays there.
Here we go.
Jack, four.
Pair of threes.
Queen. Ace, four.
Everybody know Klinger?
This is Captain Pak, Major Freedman.
Ah, the psychiatrist.
Still trying to get out
wearing dresses, Klinger.
Earrings with a sweater?
Klinger, be creative.
I remember a guy, insisted
he was a cockroach...
who would only crawl
along the woodwork.
That was Private Kafka, I believe.
Then I had a young man
who claimed to be reincarnated.
Said he was with Washington
at Valley Forge,
and therefore he'd already
done his military service.
Just a moment, Nurse.
Hold it, people.
Lieutenant Rogers?
Yes, sir?
This man can't be put under.
He's army counterintelligence.
Can't be anesthetized unless
there's another C.I.D. Man present.
In case he tells anything
under sedation. Regulations.
I've notified your H.Q.
There will be someone here in a hour.
And I guarantee you you're
absolutely in no danger, I think.
Thanks, Doc.
Five clams.
- I'm out.
- I'm in.
I wonder what the chances are
of my getting the fifth jack?
Oh, well, not to worry.
Your five and up five.
That's mean.
I'm gonna beat the pants
off you, lady.
- Hey, where'd we get the kosher salami?
- I brought it.
Little girl I knew at Berkeley
sent it. She's a yenta now.
Okay, okay, here we go.
Down and dirty.
- [Groans]
- What's your problem, poker face?
I'm committing suicide.
Go out in turn, Sidney.
Oops, just found something,
but I'll check.
Hey, I bought the fifth jack.
I'm out.
Dealer bets ten bucks.
Colonel?
- Uh, Colonel?
- Let's see here.
Fondling your chips
is very infantile.
- Not now, Sidney.
- Colonel?
- Not now, Radar.
- But, sir...
Radar, whatever it is, sign it,
cancel it or order five more.
All right, Klinger,
I'll see your bet.
- What do you got?
- Full house.
Aces full of tens.
Oh, rats!
Just missed.
- A pair of deuces?
- I don't have to show.
Sir, it's important.
And private.
Okay, deal me out.
- What do you wanna play next, Sam?
- Five-card stud.
High-low.
You can buy one at the end...
and low hole card wild.
Now, that's inscrutable.
Wait a minute!
Almost killed who?
I don't know what his name is, sir.
You know how dark it is.
I was driving along, and then all
of a sudden I felt this thump.
- I think it was a thump.
- Was it a thud or a thump?
No, it was more like a thump.
It was real sharp-like.
Yes, it was definitely
a thump, sir... a Korean thump.
Why a Korean thump?
'Cause I ran over a Korean.
Holy mackerel, Radar!
Hitting a Korean national!
- They'll put in the cooler till
you're a little old corporal.
- Yes, sir.
Just take it easy, son.
Where is he?
- He's in the hospital.
- Let's go.
Yes, sir. I'm really sorry
to take you away from your card game.
Ah, Radar, don't you think you mean
more to me than a pair of deuces?
Thank you, one and all.
A popular win.
Well, I think it's about time
we separate the men from the boys
around here.
- You the new sheriff?
- That's right, sonny.
And this here's
the new schoolmarm.
Deal, Tex,
already.
No contusions,
no abrasions, no bleeding.
- That's good, isn't it, sir?
- No bleeding is best, Radar.
Yes, sir.
- How you feel, old timer?
- [Moaning]
Okay, Nurse, let's get some X rays,
find out if anything's broken.
- Yes, sir.
- His old bones snap like kindling.
Uh, gee, I sure am sorry, mister.
[Speaking Korean]
I think he understands.
Radar, let me know.
I'll be at the game.
- Whose deal is it?
- I dealt last.
Oh, okay, it's me.
Cut.
Five-card draw, dollar and two,
jacks or better, progressive.
Oh, I see the "conference"
is in full swing.
Hi, Frank.
What's new up on the mount?
Read any good
commandments lately?
It's against regulations
to gamble with an enlisted man.
You never enlisted,
did you, Klinger?
When they came for me, I ran like a
thief right into Grand Central Station.
They trapped me in a pay toilet.
- [Mclntyre] Beautiful.
- Cost 'em four dollars
in nickels to get me out.
I love a volunteer.
You know, during the physical,
they jabbed me with a coat hanger
to get me to cough.
Boy, if this doesn't
take the cake.
Officers laughing
at a draft-dodger while
a real soldier lies bleeding in O.R.
- What do you mean, bleeding?
- Who's bleeding in O.R.?
A C.I.D. Man. His chopper crashed.
Looks like multiple internal injuries.
- So why aren't you operating on him?
- You can't anesthetize...
a C.I.D. Man unless
there's another one present.
- That's crazy.
- There's an officer on his way
from H.Q. Be here anytime.
Anytime, Frank? How many minutes
are there in an anytime, Frank?
I gave him two units. I assure you
his condition is stable now.
- Being a horse doctor you'd know that.
- I lost a kid that way once.
- Come on, Trap.
- Now, be advised.
If you so much as touch that patient,
you're violating army regulations.
Frank, we promise to keep saluting
all during the operation.
Deal us out.
Okay, deal me in.
- Lap sponge.
- [Nurse] Lap sponge.
Keep that suction going.
This guy's drowning in himself.
- He could have easily cashed in.
- Is that Frank a pip?
My vote is we put him
in front of a 21 -gun salute.
I'll tell you this. Frank has
definitely put me off reenlisting.
Give me another clamp.
Come on. Quick.
Hope this guy doesn't mind
ignoring orders by living.
- Clamp.
- Sponge.
- Okay, that's enough.
- No, it's not.
Nothing broken here, Radar.
Everything's right where it ought to be.
- Are you sure, sir?
- Radar, I don't know
all the medicine in the world,
but I can read an X ray with
one eye tied behind my back.
Even the hairline. A little loss
of calcium, but that's understandable.
He was born two years
before Moses.
Yes, sir.
But look it.
He's all stiff.
It looks like he's paralyzed.
There's your syndrome...
trauma-induced hysterical paralysis.
- Wow. That can't be good.
- It's classic, Radar.
His mind's raising hell with his body
for getting him in an accident.
It just says, "You just lay there
for a while and be rigid,
and that'll teach you."
See?
It's all said in Korean, of course.
Well, let's throw the old blanket back
and see what I can find.
No, thank you.
What's wrong, Frank?
- I can handle this, Colonel.
- Well, handle it quietly, will you?
I got an old geezer here
stiff as an ironing board.
That's the last tray you're going
to upset, soldier. There's a war on!
And we've no time for violence.
I don't wanna go back up there.
I don't wanna go.
Nobody wants to go, fella.
We all know it's brutal at the front,
especially those of us at the rear.
There's nothing wrong with you, see?
It's all in your head.
But don't get the idea
it's psychological.
I'm not buying that old
combat fatigue dodge.
You're going back
into the front line, soldier.
The army doesn't care
about your head.
Just get the enemy in the crosshairs
and blast away.
What's up, Frank?
Fort Sumter been fired upon?
Did you get to the
"whites of their eyes" part?
You did it, didn't you?
Operated on the C.I.D. Man.
Yeah, we thought we'd
save his life for kicks.
I wouldn't wanna be in your shoes
when this thing hits the fan.
Oh, you're a big fan hitter,
aren't you, Frank?
I don't wanna go back.
I don't wanna go back!
Shut up or I'll have you
shipped out tonight.
- Hey, Frank.
- Hmm?
Doctors, medicine,
compassion... remember?
- We're here to serve.
- Ours is a dedicated, humane profession.
[Man Over P.A.]
Will Doctors Pierce and Mclntyre
kindly return to the conference.
They need your money.
- Dr. Mclntyre.
- After you, Dr. Pierce.
There's a possible straight.
A pair of threes.
Another queen.
I don't know.
And garbage for the dealer.
Pair of queens bets.
- Trapper?
- Wait a minute. What's everybody got?
- You like to look
at my hole card, gringo?
- Very funny. Don't rush me.
Would you like to make a bet
before the war goes into overtime?
- Okay. I'll check
to the possible straight.
- Check along.
- I'm out.
- I'm light five.
- "El foldo."
- All right, I'll see you.
- Over and out.
- Sam, did you get the straight?
Did I hit the straight?
Two, three, four, five, nine.
My queens held up.
Sell me another stack, Shirley.
- Hold it. Everybody freeze.
- What's the matter?
One of the sandwiches just moved.
I can tell you this much, Major. This
is definitely a court-martial offense.
- I warned them. I warned them.
- Why didn't you order them?
A warning is like an order. If you warn
hard enough, that's sort of"orderish."
- Were you in the operating room
with them?
- No.
I don't like to be around
when rules are broken.
A rough situation, Major. This man's
head's full of intelligence.
That's not my department, sir.
Intelligence is something
I try to avoid.
I can see that, yes.
How long will he be out?
Oh, he'll be a little groggy
for three, maybe four hours.
I want a reliable M.P.
Sitting right there with a pad
and a pencil all the time.
- Just in case.
- Okay.
You people really know
a lot of secrets, don't you?
Yes, we do, but you didn't
hear that from me.
Stuff about the war and the Commies and
what they do to women that won't talk?
Yep.
- Now, where are these surgeons?
- Right this way, sir.
Lights out, soldier!
Stuff it, Major!
- What the hell is that?
- Oh, he's pretending to be violent.
Great imitation.
I'll settle your hash
later, mister!
Okay, moving right along now.
Dealer's choice.
Five-card stud.
Sidney, what's the psychiatric
basis for gambling?
- Sex.
- Why?
I don't know.
They tell me to say it.
Sex is why we gamble. Sex is why
we drink. Sex is why we give birth.
- Thank you, Doctor.
- I'm taking a five-dollar chip.
That was a house call.
Are you guys gonna play cards
or chew the fat?
If I wanna chew the fat,
I'll eat a sandwich.
- Henry, bet the bullet.
- Okay, I'll bet a buck.
- Here they are.
- Pierce. Mclntyre.
- Where?
- You two are under arrest.
Whoa.
Hold the phone.
I'm Colonel Blake here. Nobody arrests
them without telling me the whys...
and wherefores
or the reason thereofs.
They operated on a C.I.D. Man
without another C.I.D. Man standing by.
[C.I.D. Man]
Captain Halloran.
Okay. Did you guys
really do that?
- Henry, the guy could have died.
- [Pierce] He was bleeding, Henry.
And Frank here who studied
medicine under General Rommel
was too chicken to operate.
He was afraid under anesthesia
the lieutenant might give away
Harry Truman's hat size.
- Were you present when Lt. Rogers
was given anesthesia?
- Of course.
Just a minute.
Colonel.
- Can these men be trusted?
- Well, certainly.
What about her?
She's my wife.
- That's a very interesting joke, Sam.
- Thanks for seeing me, Sidney.
Look, Captain. The lieutenant
went under like a doll.
The only thing he said under anesthesia
was, "Honey, you're the greatest."
It was a textbook operation.
No complications.
He'll be up and snooping in a week.
- Is that the full poop?
- And nothing but the poop.
I split a gut
getting down here.
Look, if it'll make
you feel any better,
the blues are five, the reds are
a dollar and the whites are 50 cents.
Deal me in.
It's amazing!
Anyone who comes in here
is instantly corrupted!
Hurry up, Frank.
The good ship Lollipop is leaving.
Hey, up close you're a guy.
Far away too.
- Uh, sir?
- [All] Yes?
- Colonel, sir?
- Radar, I'm trying to lose some money.
Sir, this is about
the man that I, uh...
Radar had a jeep accident.
He hit a local.
- What happened, kid?
- The guy's all right. He's sitting up.
- I told you, Radar.
- Says if I give him 50 bucks,
he won't report me to the M.P.s.
Hey, Corporal, is this
a little guy about five-foot nothing,
anywhere between 50
and 200 years old?
- Yes, sir.
- He looks like he fell off
a charm bracelet?
- Yes, sir.
- His name is Hwang?
- Yes, that's what he said, sir.
- You know who you got here...
the famous Whiplash Hwang.
- What?
- He's the fall-down king of Korea.
Professional accident victim.
He pretends to let a jeep bang into him.
- Then he gets whatever he can for it.
- That's pathetic.
Yeah, it is in a way.
He was a farmer before the war, and then
he had to hit the road, literally.
All right, come on.
Ten bucks a man ought to do it.
Hey, this is blackmail.
Maybe I ought to run him in.
Maybe you will
on the way home.
Okay, the pot's right.
- Here you go, Radar.
- Thank you, sir. All you sirs.
- Come on, Hawk. Deal.
- These sandwiches for anybody?
Anybody with a death wish.
Where were we?
- Whose bet is it?
- Ace, four bets.
- Okay, one buck.
- It's 2:30. Should we set a time limit?
Okay, one week from today,
we deal once around to me.
[Gunshots]
- That's gunfire.
- It's 2:30 in the morning.
- Maybe there's
an after-hours war around here.
- [Gunshot]
- Radar, what's going on?
- It's a patient, sir. He blew his cork.
- Sidney, front and center.
- I'm not going out there
without a bulletproof couch.
[Gunshots]
Okay, the first thing people do
in a situation like this is panic.
I think I'm doing it
in the right order.
Let me go out there.
One shot and I'll stop him.
Hold it. Anything you put
in him, we have to take out.
One bullet.
That's all.
Okay, one bullet.
Just don't use the gun.
[Burns]
Make way, soldier!
That's Major Burns.
He's in the shower!
Pierce. Mclntyre.
Sidney. Come on.
I'm not going back up to the line.
The noise is terrible.
Yes, I understand.
The noise can be very loud.
- Shells have a tendency to explode.
- You've been there. You know.
Actually, no one's ever asked me.
But I see almost every war picture
that comes out. I feel it's my duty.
You got no clothes on.
Well, I like to take them
off when I have a shower.
- Put that gun down.
- Why do you wanna send me back?
Yo? Frank?
You alone in there?
Well, not exactly.
Uh, Private Carter's
in here with me.
I'm fully naked.
He has a gun.
- You all right, Frank?
- Sure. Fine. Well, you know.
- You're a liar.
- Yes, I am.
I'd be lying if I said I weren't.
Would you like my sponge?
Private Carter,
this is Dr. Freedman.
I'm sick of doctors!
This one keeps saying
he wants me to go back to the front!
He's a good man, one of the best
in the profession,
a terrific doctor
and a great human being.
Maybe we should call
Father Mulcahy.
He could give the truth
the last rites.
[Carter]
The hell he's a great human being.
Yes, the hell I am!
- Carter, what's the problem?
- He's the problem!
He keeps waving the flag
in my face!
Ten thousand doctors and
we had to get Betsy Ross.
Carter, if there's a legitimate reason
for you not to go back to the line,
I promise you won't go.
- I've heard that before!
- [Gunshot]
[Blake]
Ambulance!
- He's all right, Sidney.
- Yeah, I'm all right.
Yeah. Just take it very slow.
Take it easy.
- Frank, are you all right?
- It's all over now.
Well, I must admit
I was scared silly...
until I, uh, got
the gun away from him.
You know...
[Man Screams]
[Man Moaning]
I never saw him, honest.
[Moaning Continues]
Let's go, Whiplash.
You've had a busy day.
I never saw him, honest.
[Blake] Hey, guys,
let's pack it in. What do you say?
Okay.
Same time next week?
I thought this was
the same time next week. Let's quit.
- I've had enough.
- Yeah, I've had it too.
- Who deals?
- Me, I guess.
Cut 'em, Sam.
Okay, five-card draw.
High, low.