M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 2, Episode 12 - The Incubator - full transcript

[Record Scratching]

[Snoring]

Trapper?

Trapper?

I'm not going to talk
unless you stop screaming.

I'm sorry.

I'll be better after
I shave my tongue.

[Groaning]

Does your head hurt?

From the ankles up.

Everything above that,
I leave to science.



I think one of us should try
breathing on a mirror.

Okay.

But do it quietly.

- [Clatters]
- [Groaning]

I need a doctor.

- You're a doctor.
- Then I'm the last thing I need.

Well, at least everybody
cleaned up before they left.

You suppose we died
and we've gone into the army?

Possible.

Who's that?
I don't know him, do I?

That's Dr. Klein.
Eye, ear, nose and guitar.

- Is he alive?
- Yes, but his guts are in bad shape.

- Shall we wake him?
- No. Look what waking up did for us.

- [Radar] Morning, sirs.
- Ohh!



What a rotten thing to say.

Especially first thing
in the morning.

- Wow!
- There were no survivors.

- Is that coffee?
- Oh, yeah, I figured you'd need some.

Gimme, gimme.

I'll take mine here.

- Is that Dr. Klein?
- It was.

We're gonna wake him so he can do
an autopsy on himself later.

Oh. Here's your cases for today.

Radar, I have the impression that
we woke you about 3:30 this morning.

- No. It was ten to 4:00.
- Did we say why?

Uh, you said you wanted
to sacrifice a virgin.

- Did we?
- I was too sleepy.

- Frank?
- Hmm?

- No comment about this?
- About us?

[Laughs] Not today, Doctors.
I'm not playing.

You're not going
to debauch all night,

and then expect me to cleanse you
with a tongue-lashing.

I'm not your mother.

- Aw, please, Frank.
- Come on, Mom. Please.

- No.
- You have to.

How will we know what a good time we had
unless you tell us how rotten we are?

It's senseless.

You continue to waste your off-hours
in riotous living...

to the detriment of yourselves
as doctors and people.

You know, he's right.

You know, you're right.

I don't have
to take that from you.

We're on a treadmill.
Bandages and booze.

- And broads.
- Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

What happened to those two bright-eyed,
bushy-tailed young surgeons I once knew?

Was that us?

We're going to get
our tails bushed again.

Come on.
Let's make our rounds.

Twelve hours of I.V.,
then put a ticket on him to Tokyo.

Yes, Doctor.

Yesterday, remember?
Multiple chest.

Wish you were talking about a nurse.

Come on, bushy tail.
We got fever.

Nurse, give me an ice pack here.

Hiya, Rizzo. How you doing?

My partner and I operated on you.

- Let's stop this fever stuff.
- You're gonna make us look like bums.

We don't need any help
in that department.

He had a full course of penicillin.
He's not responding.

Let's take some blood cultures and see
what kind of germ factory this kid is.

- Nurse?
- Where do you want the ice pack?

Take some blood cultures
of Rizzo again.

Rizzo. I did a white count on him.
What's the problem?

We don't know.
Complications. Fever.

Okay. I'll ship this off
to the Tokyo lab.

We'll know what he has in 72 hours,
then you can treat him.

Seventy-two hours?

The kid's so hot now,
you can fry an egg on his head.

Why don't we have an incubator here
so we can do our own tests?

Because it would save time and effort,
and it would make sense.

Can't have any of that
in the army.

All right. Ship it right away.
Next chopper.

Mark it "soonest." Trap.

Okeydokey!

I want you to secure legs
"A," "B," "C" and "D" to the fire bowl.

Then I put rack "A" into slot "A,"
using washers 1, 2 and 3.

Now all we have to do is tighten her up
and find our place for the spits...

And we got our own barbecue.

I tell ya, Radar, I gotta
hand it to the U.S. Army, boy.

They take care of their own.

You know, sir, I have a friend
down in the 331 st Evac.

He says that they just got a
20-by-40 foot inflatable swimming pool.

Hey, why don't we put in for one?

Well, most of the time
it's freezing cold here, sir.

We could stock it with trout.
They're great barbecued.

Oh, yes, sir.
You gonna wanna use this tonight?

You betcha.
I want you to go see the cook.

He's still in the hospital, sir.

- Really?
- Captain Pierce said,

he oughta be on a food-free diet.

Well, then go see
whoever's in charge.

I want a couple of steaks about yea big.

I'm going to put
those babies on tonight.

Just show 'em the fire.
I like my steaks rare.

Yes, sir.

They gotta scream when you cut into 'em.
I fix 'em my own way.

Sprinkle sugar and pour brandy on 'em.

Uh-huh.

- Got a minute, Henry?
- Look at this, guys. Our own barbecue.

I'll show you amateurs
how to put on a party.

We're through with parties
for a while, Henry.

Well, you'll never top last night.

That was a real wingding.
[Chuckles]

I'd have bet anything you couldn't
get four people inside a sleeping bag.

Henry, we're going back into medicine.
You wanna join us?

- Come again?
- Our lab needs an incubator.

Yeah. We could speed up diagnoses
and treatment by days.

Well, hell!
We just got the barbecue.

I can't pester them for an incubator.

Tell them we decided to open up
a hospital instead of a restaurant.

- How do we requisition an incubator?
- Now just hold it!

I'm sick and tired of you guys
going over my head down to Radar!

- Oh, I don't mind, sir.
- Well, I do!

Now, look, this little fella's
got plenty of work to do...

without you guys heaping
more responsibility on him.

- Go get those steaks, Radar.
- Yes, sir.

Henry, we got a patient
with an infection we can't identify.

- All because we don't have an incubator.
- All right, that's a point.

Make a note of it, put it in
my in-basket, and I'll get right on it.

Leaving an idea with you is like
abandoning a baby in a garbage can.

Now, that's unfair.
I do plenty around here every day.

I just don't make
a lot of noise about it.

Yeah, you're one
of those quiet sleepers.

- What about the incubator?
- We need it.

Those things cost
five or six hundred dollars.

The war's been running
for two years.

The government must be showing
a profit by now.

All right, all right.
Let's get one.

Now, that's the Henry we all
sing about around the campfire.

- Radar!
- Radar!

- Colonel Blake?
- Yo.

Captain Sloan from Quartermaster
Corps here to see you, sir.

- Colonel.
- Captain. Radar, would you...

Captains Pierce and Mclntyre
are on their way, sir.

Fine, fine. Just so long as they know
I want to see them before they get here.

- Yes, sir.
- Sit down, sit down.

- Care for a drink?
- Never touch it.

- Ah. Smoke?
- No, thank you.

Well, that only leaves sex.

Afraid we can't help you there.

Say, you guys in Quartermaster
are doing a bang-up job.

I mean, everybody seems to have
plenty of guns and bullets and stuff.

Wouldn't be much of a war without you.

We hold our end up.

You do that around here,
you get your temperature taken.

Oh, Captain Sloan,
these are Captain Pierce...

- And these are Captain Mclntyre.
- Hi. How about a snort, Henry?

- Hey, we took the pledge, remember?
- Oh.

- B.T.
- B.T.?

Bushy tail.

Surgeons.
[Chuckles]

Captain Sloan here
is with Supply.

More accurately, I'm with the 375th
Q. M.H.Q., COMSEAPAC, SEOULSEC REPDEP.

Maybe I'll have that drink.

The business at hand
is an incubator,

that is if my Lieutenant understood what
your colonel said you captains want.

- Right.
- And we need one as soon as possible.

- Let's see what the good book says.
- The good book?

The Manual of Supply and Requisition.

MANSUPREQ.

Um, "inhalator, indicator,
innoculator, infusilator..."

Here it is: 437-stroke-R2,
incubator.

Thar she blows!

"Device for developing
bacterial cultures...

at constant suitable temperatures."

Uh-huh. I see.
That certainly makes sense.

You can't have one.

- Beg your pardon?
- I checked your basic equipment list.

This unit has everything
it's supposed to have.

You're not entitled to an incubator.
That would be a... a luxury.

- Luxury?
- We're not asking for a pizza oven.

- Oh, that I can let you have.
- No kidding!

Hey, that would be great
on movie nights.

You got any pizza requisition forms?

Just use the standard S-1798 and write
in "pizza" where it says "machine gun."

- Captain, are you saying no?
- It's my job to say no.

You do it very well.

I imagine you'll open up
a "no" stand after the war.

You ever been in a hospital and your
doctors didn't know what to do for you?

- [Knocks Wood]
- I've never had a sick day in my life.

Was that your own idea
or an order?

Can the snottiness, Pierce.
Man's only trying to do his job.

- Thank you, Colonel.
- Sorry, Captain.

"Thank you, Colonel.
Sorry, Captain. Sorry, patient.

"You have a temperature
of a 109-stroke-10.

"You can't have an incubator, but you
can have a pizza with everything to go.

Unless, of course, you go first."

Let's stay on the ground,
shall we, Pierce?

Does the book allow us
any ground, Captain?

Otherwise, I'm afraid I'll have
to ask you all to take a step up.

- Into limbo.
- No, you can't have any limbo.

In fact, you can't have
anything-stroke-nothing,

which is not approved by STATQUOPAC.

Which is enough
to make you reach for Al RSICKBAG.

Just hold it, Pierce!

Captain, I'd like to formally
apologize for the 4077 th.

Have you got any
apology forms in there?

We're gonna get that incubator. We're
gonna go forth and part the red tape.

I'll drink to that.

- Will Scotch be all right, sir?
- Yeah, fine, Radar. Perfect.

I ran out of ice, sir,
so I used bourbon.

Radar, I want you to get on the pipe
and find us an incubator.

Don't stop until you locate one.

- Is that an order, sir?
- Sure sounded like one to me.

Well, everybody, happy days.

Stroke, cheers.

- I'm going to resect this intestine.
- I'm with you.

- Number ten blade.
- Anything that wiggles is my fingers.

- Number ten.
- I think it's safer with Frank, Henry,

if you hold his knife still
and move the patient back and forth.

I'm doing just fine!

Colonel Blake?

Show it to Pierce.

- Doctor? From Radar.
- Yes.

Can I see the X-ray?
A little higher.

Hey, terrific.
He's located an incubator.

Three of them at the 728th Evac
in Pusan. A Major Arnold Morris.

- Jackpot.
- Three cherries straight across. Thanks.

Aw, jeepers. Whew!

Guess where we're going
after surgery, Henry.

Oh? Without my permission?

- Don't we have it?
- Of course you do.

You think I'd let you leave
without my permission?

- Ha! An incubator.
- Three.

May I remind you both that not everybody
you'll meet down there...

is going to be lovable
Colonel Henry Blake.

What are you trying to tell us,
lovable Colonel Henry Blake?

Take my advice. Don't show up looking
like freelance abortionists. Shape up.

Good thinking, Henry.
I'll wear my pinks. How about you, Mary?

Can we cut the gab in here?

Aw, look at that.

"Maintains temperature
at a constant 37 degrees centigrade."

The army guarantees it for a year
or two wars, whichever comes first.

Just think of the germs we can hatch
in that. Makes your mouth water.

- And it's never been used.
- These are still in their crates.

And they're gonna stay that way.
I'm Major Morris.

- Captain Pierce.
- Mclntyre. 4077 MASH...

- You want an incubator. No dice.
- But you've got three.

That's right. If I give one away,
I'll only have two.

- What's wrong with two?
- Two is not as good as three.

- But you're not even using them.
- Who says I have to?

- What do you do when you want a culture?
- I send a smear to Tokyo.

If I use one of these and it breaks
down, then I'll only have two.

- That's a sick attitude.
- Well, they're mine.

Just lend us one.
Anytime you want,

you can come over
and borrow a cup of germs.

You guys...

rich, young draftee doctors
all dressed up like drum majorettes.

Rich? Some of my patients
pay me in kittens.

I never made more than
$10,000 a year in my life.

I was a pediatrician
in a women's prison.

Well, look, Major,
we're not here from True Confessions.

You're not here for no incubator
neither. What's mine is mine.

- But in triplicate?
- He's a three-lane schizophrenic.

Say, you know, I think I know
how we can solve this problem.

Why don't you guys just salute
and get the hell on out of here?

Who's your commanding officer?

Colonel Lambert
is commanding officer of this base.

- Where would we find him?
- Nowhere on the base, that's for sure.

- Got his own house?
- He's got two of them.

One blonde and one brunette.

We've gotten nothing
but static so far, Colonel.

First from a supply captain who won't
tie his shoe without a direct order.

Then from a Major Morris,
who, in civilian life,

- is known as Leopold and Loeb.
- All we want is an incubator.

For the simple purpose of practicing
better and more efficient medicine.

Sir, I appeal to your sense
of what's right.

They're full of it.

That'll be all... for now.

I think we'll have lavender
in the bath this afternoon, my dear.

Okay, Daddy.

- Now, gentlemen, an incubator.
- Yes, sir.

Were you interested in just the one?

Yes, Colonel.

If I'm not mistaken,
that lists for 627.50, F.O.B., Inchon.

Freight, handling, re-stenciling.

An even thousand should handle it.

- A thousand dollars?
- Cash.

Ah!

Preparing a little doggie bag
for Switzerland, Colonel?

That was a perfect diagnosis, Doctor.

Wait a minute.
You sell incubators?

Oh, yes.
Sterilizers, ice cream makers,

pontoon bridges, jeeps,

and, with a week's notice,
the odd B-52.

The crew is extra, of course.

If you're looking
for a real bargain,

I can let you have a half-million rolls
of toilet paper,

which I happen to be sitting on.

- Bravo, Colonel.
- Thank you.

Have you ever thought of
opening your own country?

- You're a thief!
- Of course.

Why should the sergeants
have all the fun? [Chuckles]

More tea? Why don't you try
one of these rice cookies?

How much?

I like you.

You have a nasty streak of morality.

But I like you.

I'm gonna let you have that incubator...

for $627, cost.

Plus ten percent for tolerance.

Colonel, unlike you,
we're a nonprofit organization.

Our outfit is a bunch of
little khaki church mice.

I'd like to help you.
Really, I should.

But if I started doing my duty,
where would I wind up?

Well, Trap?
Onward and upward?

That would lead you
to General Mitchell.

General Maynard M. Mitchell.

[Lambert]
Honest, true-blue as the day is long...

and about as interesting
as a five-pound bag of fertilizer.

Ladies and gentlemen, General Mitchell
will now answer your questions.

Thank you. Uh, Mr. Bowman.

General, today's news handout contains
casualty figures and bomb tonnage.

Is there anything you can add?

No. Only I would add
that there's nothing to add.

General, what can you tell us
about the rumored peace talks?

I'm glad you brought that up, and I want
to caution you all the press here...

that irresponsible leaks in this area
may lead this war to a premature peace.

General, can you tell us why
MASH units never get any incubators?

Our people have this question
under scrutiny at the moment.

Now, if this scrutinization
should yield negative,

then I feel that we must
maximize our efforts. Next.

Sir, I don't want to minimize
your maximize,

but why aren't field hospitals
properly supplied with incubators?

Hospitals which surprisingly attract
a great number of wounded people.

That question has
a lot of buckshot in it.

I'm sure the answer will too.

Let me say this.
The United States Army is...

the best equipped fighting force since
the Roman legions crossed into Spain,

each man carrying his mess kit
full of gazpacho.

Let's move on.

I think we've let enough fresh air
into this incubator picture.

In any case, I wouldn't
want to dwell on it for...

- Security reasons.
- Exactly.

- You have a question?
- Yes, I do.

Why don't you answer his question?

- Are you two together?
- In all kinds of weather.

- Are you reporters?
- We're doctors.

With a MASH unit.
The ones that don't have incubators.

Identify yourselves.

Captain John Mclntyre, 4077 th MASH.

So am I, except
I'm Captain Pierce.

- Who's your commanding officer?
- We'd rather not say.

He'd like to go through
the war anonymously.

I wonder if you doctors understand...

going through channels,
militarywise-speaking.

Sir, we started with a captain,
went on to a major, then to a colonel.

On the way, we've encountered
oral compulsiveness,

raging paranoia and a colonel...

who's shipping Korea to Switzerland
one dollar at a time.

Which makes you
the next contestant, General.

And the subject you've chosen
is incubators.

- And we need one.
- What about this incubator situation?

- What was the name of that colonel?
- Now just a minute!

This is a press conference! The last
thing I want to do is answer questions!

- What exactly is an incubator?
- It grows germs.

General, are we involved
in germ warfare?

- That's a lie!
- [Reporters Shouting]

Holy cow!

Insubordination,
conduct unbecoming officers,

violations of Articles 13 through 27...

with a repeat on 26.

Oh, that must be "altering salute
by placing thumb on nose."

Henry, there's something
you should know about those charges.

Yes. We're guilty.

I'll tell you what else you are:
You're under arrest.

- General's orders.
- Swell. What do we tell the casualties?

We only operate on visiting days?

You gonna lock us up, Sheriff?

If you guy didn't outclass
every bit of surgical talent in Korea,

your tails would have been
in handcuffs a long time ago.

Henry, it's no crime for doctors
to try to get decent medical equipment.

Did you really yell,
"Give me an incubator or give me death"?

Well, it doesn't sound
like anything now.

Yeah. You had to be there.

Now, look, what the general
doesn't understand is,

I can't take you guys out of action.

I've got to do something to punish you.

So I'll leave it to you.

Wh-What's a suitable punishment?

Why don't you try spending
a lot of time with us, Henry?

Maybe that's where we went wrong.
You know how a kid misses his dad.

A marine company has been trying to take
hill 19 again. You guys better suit up.

Let's hope nobody needs
a sample sent to Tokyo.

Wow. Did you really call
a one-star general a "NI NCOMPAC"?

- Hey, sirs? No, wait, look.
- Not now, Radar.

Ta-da!

- [Laughs]
- Hey!

- Happy germs, sir.
- Radar, how?

A little wheeling and dealing,
a little horse-trading.

A little of this for that.

And we went all the way up
to a general.

And a little corporal
shall lead them.

You just gotta learn
to start at the top.

Uh, sir? We do have
just a little bit of a problem here.

- What?
- Well, he wants steak for tonight.

- Barbecued.
- So?

Can you set this thing for rare?