M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 2, Episode 10 - The Sniper - full transcript
The 4077th deals with more than the usual mayhem when a sniper opens fire on the camp.
Hi, Mom. I'm home.
- Washing socks?
- I've got to.
I left 'em out for the elves to do
last night. The wouldn't touch 'em.
Can you blame them?
You do lovely work.
I think I'm getting bedpan hands.
- Is your cold better?
- Does a cold ever get better?
You're shaving in the middle
of the week. Anybody I know?
- Lieutenant Marquette.
- Oh, the new one.
You're very observant for a laundress.
I never met a nurse
that didn't register.
- Get it? A registered nurse?
- Oh, a registered nurse.
- [Laughing]
- We're going on a picnic.
I'm gonna show her
the beauty of Korea...
among other natural wonders.
These socks are dripping
all over the floor.
It settles the dust.
[Mclntyre] I'll do yours
for five dollars, Frank.
He doesn't wash his socks. He wears them
for a month, then burns them.
- Will you put that away, Frank!
- I'm cleaning it!
Playing with a gun, Frank,
is very significant.
Highly Freudian.
Or am I guilty of pistol envy?
I don't put any stock
in that Freud stuff.
Oh, you might have been one
of his original patients, Frank.
Oh, phooey.
I can just see you walking
through the Vienna woods...
kissing a loaf
of freshly-baked bread.
"Come with me to the laboratory,
young man; I give you strudel."
I happen to think that man
is more than just an animal...
whose every thought
is motivated by sex.
Well, there goes
Hot Lips's evening.
Will you stop pointing that thing!
The safety's on!
I think. Now it is.
[Giggles]
Frank, I know it's irrational
to ask you a rational question,
but why do you need a gun?
We are in a battle zone, mister.
Only three miles from the front.
You must have very long bullets.
- Hey, Hawkeye?
- Yeah?
- I got the stuff for your picnic.
- Oh, faithful Radar.
When I have the time,
I'll make you tall.
What culinary delights did you get
for us this time, old family container?
- You've got breaded veal sandwiches.
- Good.
- With yesterday's lettuce.
- And tomorrow's bananas.
And neither is what it was
or is going to be.
Get the tomatoes?
- No.
- Why not?
Uh, well, I looked at 'em,
and something looked back.
Thanks.
Brandy.
Compliments of Colonel Blake.
- Not very much in it.
- He wasn't very complimentary.
- Fill it up.
- Huh?
- Take some white brandy.
- Oh, right.
- You can't use him as a servant.
- No servitude involved.
- He likes me. Don't you, Radar?
- Uh, yes, sir.
And you don't like
Major Burns, do you?
Oh, no, that's not so.
I like you, sir.
Why do you always say nasty things
about him behind his back?
Hey!
Boy!
Honestly, sometimes!
Geez!
Well, I'm off.
Don't wait up for me.
Frank, if you don't put that gun away,
I'm gonna break it into little pieces
and feed it to you intravenously.
Are you aware that you're talking
to an officer of superior rank?
- Yes.
- Oh.
See you later, Trap.
Make notes.
It's hard to accept.
Here it's so peaceful, idyllic.
And right over there is a war.
I feel almost guilty.
Ah, these moments are necessary.
Not something we owe ourselves;
something we owe them.
I feel better.
And it's only just begun.
Is that all right, Frank?
Eight cans, eight shots.
That should be about right.
- Could I see the gun just once more?
- You've seen it, Margaret.
There's just something about
a pearl-handled pistol that makes me...
Did I tell you my father had one?
No, I couldn't. I just remembered that.
Isn't that curious, Frank?
And exciting somehow.
Well, yes.
Does every new nurse
fall in love with you here?
No. Only the ones with taste.
Do you think I have any?
I don't know.
Let me taste you.
- [Gunshot]
- What was that?
You wait here. Keep down.
Frank!
You idiot!
You know how close you came with that?
- Came with what? I haven't fired yet!
- I was right over there!
- The bullet came within this close!
- I haven't fired yet!
- Don't lie!
- He most certainly has not!
Give it to me, Frank. We'll give you
a yo-yo or a doll that wets.
- No!
- [Gunshot]
- What was that?
- A sniper!
Sniper!
The war! Remember?
- Where are you going?
- Grab a friend and get back to camp!
## [Korean Folk Music]
[Chattering]
[Gunshots Continue]
[Shouting, Whistling]
[Yelling]
[Gunshots Continue]
Those are shots,
aren't they, Radar?
- We're under fire, sir!
- Well, hell's bells! We're a hospital.
[Gunshot]
That's against the Geneva Convention.
I'm not for it either, sir.
We're completely unarmed.
Sitting here with our tails
sticking out, helpless.
Radar, psst, come here.
- Call Headquarters and get some help.
- I'll call and get some help.
- Radar, it's not very safe out there.
- [Gunshot]
It's not much better in here, sir.
[Gunshots Continue]
- What happened?
- [Screams]
Oh, nothing.
I forgot my glasses.
Uh, I could go out there again
if you wanted to volunteer me.
Oh, forget it. You'd look silly
with a hole in your head.
- Come here.
- Yes, sir.
You! You out there!
Do you hear me?
This is Lt. Col. Henry Blake!
Do you hear me?
[Gunshots Continue]
That son of a gun
hears pretty good.
- Can I have it quiet in here, please?
- [Chattering, Pounding]
- Uh... people?
- [Chattering Continues]
Quiet! Shhh. Quiet!
The major has something to say!
Quiet!
Uh, quiet, please, please!
May I have your attention?
- [Chattering Continues]
- Now, please, I want it quiet!
- [Pounding Continues]
- People!
[Muttering]
[Noise Stops]
I don't know.
I've always had it.
All right, people.
I want everybody calm.
Completely calm.
And that's an order!
- Now we're under...
- [Gunshot]
[Screaming]
We're under massive enemy attack!
Col. Blake, our commander,
is missing in action.
He's trapped in the shower with Radar.
What a way to go.
Well, in that case,
I'm assuming command...
until the colonel
can be, uh, "deshowerized."
It's like the Titanic in there
without an orchestra.
I think there's only one,
but I don't know. There may be more.
What difference does it make? You want
us to go after him with our diplomas?
- [Gunshots Continue]
- Look, we need help!
Ye-Yeah, I realize that.
If there's a push on,
there's gonna be wounded.
A-A-And we're pinned down!
We can't move!
Yeah, okay, okay. Yeah.
We do the best we can.
[Sighs]
There's a push on.
Tomorrow noon's
the earliest they can get here.
[Gunshots Continue]
[Houlihan Screams]
What? Oh!
- Thank God.
- Oh, congratulations. You're alive.
- Are you all right?
- Barely. He's really peppering away.
We've been pinned down in the shower.
That's the cleanest
you've been since it rained.
What's the situation in here?
Desperate, Colonel.
No food, no ammunition.
- Low on supplies, low on morale.
- But very high on panic.
- Frank's been a marvelous commandant.
- He's risen to a new low.
You got casualties out there, son?
Yes, sir. Six.
And some of them look pretty bad.
- Mclntyre, check his arm.
- Come on.
Colonel, we've got
to get them in here.
Major, I may not know
the difference...
between a bayonet and a butter knife,
but I do know that!
- I hate to, but I've made a decision.
- Another first.
I'm gonna call Headquarters
for immediate help.
Henry, we did.
We're on our own till tomorrow.
We can't just wait!
We've gotta do something!
Anything!
I agree with Frank.
I think we should do anything.
I agree with Frank.
I think we should do anything.
The first thing we have to do
before we do anything...
is to get the casualties
out there in here.
- Got any ideas?
- Isn't it obvious what we have to do?
- What?
- Surrender.
- Surrender?
- What?
There are wounded out there.
If we surrender, maybe we can help them.
Surrender? Surrender and be overrun
by those yellow hordes?
Overrun by a horde of one?
There may be a squad
of them out there!
The minute you surrender,
they infiltrate
and crawl into your perimeter.
- Frank, there are ladies here.
- Colonel, if we are overrun,
may I remind you of your responsibility
for the women of this command?
What guarantee do we have concerning
the violations of our bodies...
the possibly numerous, multiple
violations of our bodies... by the enemy?
What kind of guarantee do you want?
- That remark is beneath notice!
- Don't notice it.
Now, hold it, look.
I can't surrender without orders.
I mean, they emphasized that to me
particularly.
I don't know exactly why.
I mean, the guy said,
"Blake, never surrender
without checking."
Besides, Headquarters
says there's a push on.
All the more reason not to surrender!
Au contraire, Major!
There are choppers gonna be flying
wounded in here looking for the 4077 th.
If we surrender,
there's a chance we can keep working.
Otherwise, we're just sitting here
with our majors hanging out.
- Colonel, may I go on record...
- No!
- Radar?
- Get a white flag. Yes, sir.
Okay for now.
Wave it, wave it.
Okay, start unloading!
Let's go! Move!
I hope he likes a parade.
[Gunshot]
- [Shudders]
- [Gunshots Continue]
Let's go!
Let's get these patients prepped!
Let's go! Hurry it up! Come on!
[Mclntyre]
All right, hold it, hold it!
Whew. You okay?
- Fine. You?
- Okay.
- I don't know about you, but I'm upset.
- Yeah? Why?
My draft board promised me
there wouldn't be any shooting.
Hey, holy moley!
Look at this kid's gall bladder.
I got a weak stomach, Henry.
That's why I didn't go into medicine.
- Come on, sponge.
- Well, Pierce,
maybe now you'll understand
you can't do business with the commies.
How would you like your eyebrows
plucked... from inside?
Just where did your
appeasement get us?
The sniper's still outside.
The generator's shot.
Yeah, but the wounded are in.
Stop yapping and work.
How they hate you for your courage.
Kid's not over 16. Still got baby fat.
What is this, a children's war?
It's everybody's war, Pierce.
- You can have my share.
- You selling bonds again, Frank?
It's a little late in the game
for pacifism, gentlemen.
You just don't quit.
And what happens if we do quit
and they roll right over us?
- You could roll over first.
- You're obscene!
I'm even better on the phone.
Give me some more light here.
This is eerie.
Sit a little closer.
It drives away the eeries.
Why do I feel safe here with you?
Search me. I don't.
[Quiet Chattering]
All things considered, I think things
are running fairly smoothly.
Don't you think so, Radar?
The tension is unbearable.
And building, building.
Can't you feel it, Frank?
Can't you feel anything?
Definitely.
Apart from the sniper, don't you think
things are running fairly smoothly?
Nobody's eaten in 13 hours, sir.
Yes, well, that coincides
with how long we've gone without food.
I have this peculiar metabolism.
If I don't eat regularly, everything
solid in my body turns to liquid.
My shoes are full of water.
They are not!
A real man...
if we had a real man in this outfit...
would be out there
in the darkness with his gun...
putting an end to this tension.
I don't do very well at night.
Since when?
My optic adjustment to darkness is,
uh, subnormal. I don't see very well.
But I do, and may I say, Frank,
that my eyes are wide open
and seeing more than I care to.
[Snoring]
- Margaret.
- [Gasps, Screams]
Relax, relax!
I'm not here for violation purposes.
Where's Frank?
It's his shift.
He's not here.
He's not here!
Frank?
Frank!
Come one step closer,
and I'll blow your head off.
Frank, it's Hawkeye.
- Frank.
- Oh, hi!
- Hi, Frank. What's new?
- Well, I, uh...
I was out hunting the sniper.
I was, really.
- Right.
- And then after a while, l...
Well...
Frank, even General Patton
had his off days.
- Really?
- Oh, he had days you wouldn't believe.
Days when he just
had to slap someone.
Do you know how long it took me
to become a doctor?
- Do you?
- I thought the usual time.
Twice as long.
I flunked out of two med schools.
I thought of switching to male nurse,
but I could never make hospital corners.
- Frank, you really don't have to...
- During my internship,
the local undertaker used to send me
Christmas presents and calendars.
But I made it.
Why should I throw all that away?
Let them send men
that have nothing to lose.
Sure, Frank. Sure.
Uh, Pierce?
[Whispering]
What are you going to say to, uh...
If you're lucky, and if I'm lucky,
I won't run into her.
[Clattering]
- The mess tent.
- The sniper?
Quiet! Come on.
Me?
He doesn't know we're out here,
but we know he's in there.
- Gives us a good chance to catch him.
- Catch him?
Or he catches us.
Whichever way it works out.
Look, if you want to be a hero
that much, you go.
Frank, you know what a hero is?
Ninety-nine times out of a hundred,
he's somebody who's tired enough...
and cold enough and hungry enough
not to give a damn.
I don't give a damn.
Come on.
Wait. I'll come with you.
- [Clattering]
- [Man Squealing]
I got him! I got him!
Stop shooting!
- You almost killed me!
- I didn't fire it!
I didn't! Yes, I did.
I had to get something to eat!
You'd risk your life
for a, a ketchup on rye?
With butter and lettuce!
- [Gunshot]
- That was too close.
[Whispers]
Wow!
You want to finish that sandwich
here or in surgery?
But, General,
you promised us help by noon.
Well, what time is it now?
1300 hours?
Well, now, that's after noon,
isn't it, sir?
I mean, isn't it 12
up until it gets to be noon,
and then you start all that
"hundred hours" stuff?
I wish the army would tell time
like everybody else.
- I mean, no offense, sir, but this...
- [Helicopter Approaching]
Wait. Hold on a minute.
Hold...
Uh, the chopper's here, sir.
Yeah. Uh, look,
I'll call you back later.
What's that, General?
I can't hear you.
I can't... What? Look, I said I'd...
[Blows Raspberry]
[Machine Gun Fire Continues]
You think they got him?
I think they got him and a half.
Holy...
It could be a trick.
He fired on our white flag, didn't he?
Let's fire on his!
[Stammering]
Just spitballing. I mean...
- Hey, Radar, you want to do me a favor?
- Yeah, I'll get your bag.
- You sure you know what you're doin'?
- Not really, no.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
See you.
If you knew how lucky you are
to be getting this house call.
- [Mclntyre] What's the word?
- He's gonna make it.
Oh, thanks, Radar.
I can use a little mother's milk.
Why was he shooting at us?
- He's just a kid, 16 or 17.
- Gee.
Interpreter said he got cut off
from his outfit, half out of his mind.
Scared, cold, hungry.
You won't believe this. He thought
this was MacArthur's headquarters.
- Oh, that's pathetic.
- He still thinks so!
He went under thinking he was gonna be
the most famous man in North Korea.
Seems a shame to disappoint him.
Be nice if MacArthur
could pay him a bedside visit.
Where are you gonna get a MacArthur
to show him, for Pete's sake?
- What's going on?
- You have returned.
- Washing socks?
- I've got to.
I left 'em out for the elves to do
last night. The wouldn't touch 'em.
Can you blame them?
You do lovely work.
I think I'm getting bedpan hands.
- Is your cold better?
- Does a cold ever get better?
You're shaving in the middle
of the week. Anybody I know?
- Lieutenant Marquette.
- Oh, the new one.
You're very observant for a laundress.
I never met a nurse
that didn't register.
- Get it? A registered nurse?
- Oh, a registered nurse.
- [Laughing]
- We're going on a picnic.
I'm gonna show her
the beauty of Korea...
among other natural wonders.
These socks are dripping
all over the floor.
It settles the dust.
[Mclntyre] I'll do yours
for five dollars, Frank.
He doesn't wash his socks. He wears them
for a month, then burns them.
- Will you put that away, Frank!
- I'm cleaning it!
Playing with a gun, Frank,
is very significant.
Highly Freudian.
Or am I guilty of pistol envy?
I don't put any stock
in that Freud stuff.
Oh, you might have been one
of his original patients, Frank.
Oh, phooey.
I can just see you walking
through the Vienna woods...
kissing a loaf
of freshly-baked bread.
"Come with me to the laboratory,
young man; I give you strudel."
I happen to think that man
is more than just an animal...
whose every thought
is motivated by sex.
Well, there goes
Hot Lips's evening.
Will you stop pointing that thing!
The safety's on!
I think. Now it is.
[Giggles]
Frank, I know it's irrational
to ask you a rational question,
but why do you need a gun?
We are in a battle zone, mister.
Only three miles from the front.
You must have very long bullets.
- Hey, Hawkeye?
- Yeah?
- I got the stuff for your picnic.
- Oh, faithful Radar.
When I have the time,
I'll make you tall.
What culinary delights did you get
for us this time, old family container?
- You've got breaded veal sandwiches.
- Good.
- With yesterday's lettuce.
- And tomorrow's bananas.
And neither is what it was
or is going to be.
Get the tomatoes?
- No.
- Why not?
Uh, well, I looked at 'em,
and something looked back.
Thanks.
Brandy.
Compliments of Colonel Blake.
- Not very much in it.
- He wasn't very complimentary.
- Fill it up.
- Huh?
- Take some white brandy.
- Oh, right.
- You can't use him as a servant.
- No servitude involved.
- He likes me. Don't you, Radar?
- Uh, yes, sir.
And you don't like
Major Burns, do you?
Oh, no, that's not so.
I like you, sir.
Why do you always say nasty things
about him behind his back?
Hey!
Boy!
Honestly, sometimes!
Geez!
Well, I'm off.
Don't wait up for me.
Frank, if you don't put that gun away,
I'm gonna break it into little pieces
and feed it to you intravenously.
Are you aware that you're talking
to an officer of superior rank?
- Yes.
- Oh.
See you later, Trap.
Make notes.
It's hard to accept.
Here it's so peaceful, idyllic.
And right over there is a war.
I feel almost guilty.
Ah, these moments are necessary.
Not something we owe ourselves;
something we owe them.
I feel better.
And it's only just begun.
Is that all right, Frank?
Eight cans, eight shots.
That should be about right.
- Could I see the gun just once more?
- You've seen it, Margaret.
There's just something about
a pearl-handled pistol that makes me...
Did I tell you my father had one?
No, I couldn't. I just remembered that.
Isn't that curious, Frank?
And exciting somehow.
Well, yes.
Does every new nurse
fall in love with you here?
No. Only the ones with taste.
Do you think I have any?
I don't know.
Let me taste you.
- [Gunshot]
- What was that?
You wait here. Keep down.
Frank!
You idiot!
You know how close you came with that?
- Came with what? I haven't fired yet!
- I was right over there!
- The bullet came within this close!
- I haven't fired yet!
- Don't lie!
- He most certainly has not!
Give it to me, Frank. We'll give you
a yo-yo or a doll that wets.
- No!
- [Gunshot]
- What was that?
- A sniper!
Sniper!
The war! Remember?
- Where are you going?
- Grab a friend and get back to camp!
## [Korean Folk Music]
[Chattering]
[Gunshots Continue]
[Shouting, Whistling]
[Yelling]
[Gunshots Continue]
Those are shots,
aren't they, Radar?
- We're under fire, sir!
- Well, hell's bells! We're a hospital.
[Gunshot]
That's against the Geneva Convention.
I'm not for it either, sir.
We're completely unarmed.
Sitting here with our tails
sticking out, helpless.
Radar, psst, come here.
- Call Headquarters and get some help.
- I'll call and get some help.
- Radar, it's not very safe out there.
- [Gunshot]
It's not much better in here, sir.
[Gunshots Continue]
- What happened?
- [Screams]
Oh, nothing.
I forgot my glasses.
Uh, I could go out there again
if you wanted to volunteer me.
Oh, forget it. You'd look silly
with a hole in your head.
- Come here.
- Yes, sir.
You! You out there!
Do you hear me?
This is Lt. Col. Henry Blake!
Do you hear me?
[Gunshots Continue]
That son of a gun
hears pretty good.
- Can I have it quiet in here, please?
- [Chattering, Pounding]
- Uh... people?
- [Chattering Continues]
Quiet! Shhh. Quiet!
The major has something to say!
Quiet!
Uh, quiet, please, please!
May I have your attention?
- [Chattering Continues]
- Now, please, I want it quiet!
- [Pounding Continues]
- People!
[Muttering]
[Noise Stops]
I don't know.
I've always had it.
All right, people.
I want everybody calm.
Completely calm.
And that's an order!
- Now we're under...
- [Gunshot]
[Screaming]
We're under massive enemy attack!
Col. Blake, our commander,
is missing in action.
He's trapped in the shower with Radar.
What a way to go.
Well, in that case,
I'm assuming command...
until the colonel
can be, uh, "deshowerized."
It's like the Titanic in there
without an orchestra.
I think there's only one,
but I don't know. There may be more.
What difference does it make? You want
us to go after him with our diplomas?
- [Gunshots Continue]
- Look, we need help!
Ye-Yeah, I realize that.
If there's a push on,
there's gonna be wounded.
A-A-And we're pinned down!
We can't move!
Yeah, okay, okay. Yeah.
We do the best we can.
[Sighs]
There's a push on.
Tomorrow noon's
the earliest they can get here.
[Gunshots Continue]
[Houlihan Screams]
What? Oh!
- Thank God.
- Oh, congratulations. You're alive.
- Are you all right?
- Barely. He's really peppering away.
We've been pinned down in the shower.
That's the cleanest
you've been since it rained.
What's the situation in here?
Desperate, Colonel.
No food, no ammunition.
- Low on supplies, low on morale.
- But very high on panic.
- Frank's been a marvelous commandant.
- He's risen to a new low.
You got casualties out there, son?
Yes, sir. Six.
And some of them look pretty bad.
- Mclntyre, check his arm.
- Come on.
Colonel, we've got
to get them in here.
Major, I may not know
the difference...
between a bayonet and a butter knife,
but I do know that!
- I hate to, but I've made a decision.
- Another first.
I'm gonna call Headquarters
for immediate help.
Henry, we did.
We're on our own till tomorrow.
We can't just wait!
We've gotta do something!
Anything!
I agree with Frank.
I think we should do anything.
I agree with Frank.
I think we should do anything.
The first thing we have to do
before we do anything...
is to get the casualties
out there in here.
- Got any ideas?
- Isn't it obvious what we have to do?
- What?
- Surrender.
- Surrender?
- What?
There are wounded out there.
If we surrender, maybe we can help them.
Surrender? Surrender and be overrun
by those yellow hordes?
Overrun by a horde of one?
There may be a squad
of them out there!
The minute you surrender,
they infiltrate
and crawl into your perimeter.
- Frank, there are ladies here.
- Colonel, if we are overrun,
may I remind you of your responsibility
for the women of this command?
What guarantee do we have concerning
the violations of our bodies...
the possibly numerous, multiple
violations of our bodies... by the enemy?
What kind of guarantee do you want?
- That remark is beneath notice!
- Don't notice it.
Now, hold it, look.
I can't surrender without orders.
I mean, they emphasized that to me
particularly.
I don't know exactly why.
I mean, the guy said,
"Blake, never surrender
without checking."
Besides, Headquarters
says there's a push on.
All the more reason not to surrender!
Au contraire, Major!
There are choppers gonna be flying
wounded in here looking for the 4077 th.
If we surrender,
there's a chance we can keep working.
Otherwise, we're just sitting here
with our majors hanging out.
- Colonel, may I go on record...
- No!
- Radar?
- Get a white flag. Yes, sir.
Okay for now.
Wave it, wave it.
Okay, start unloading!
Let's go! Move!
I hope he likes a parade.
[Gunshot]
- [Shudders]
- [Gunshots Continue]
Let's go!
Let's get these patients prepped!
Let's go! Hurry it up! Come on!
[Mclntyre]
All right, hold it, hold it!
Whew. You okay?
- Fine. You?
- Okay.
- I don't know about you, but I'm upset.
- Yeah? Why?
My draft board promised me
there wouldn't be any shooting.
Hey, holy moley!
Look at this kid's gall bladder.
I got a weak stomach, Henry.
That's why I didn't go into medicine.
- Come on, sponge.
- Well, Pierce,
maybe now you'll understand
you can't do business with the commies.
How would you like your eyebrows
plucked... from inside?
Just where did your
appeasement get us?
The sniper's still outside.
The generator's shot.
Yeah, but the wounded are in.
Stop yapping and work.
How they hate you for your courage.
Kid's not over 16. Still got baby fat.
What is this, a children's war?
It's everybody's war, Pierce.
- You can have my share.
- You selling bonds again, Frank?
It's a little late in the game
for pacifism, gentlemen.
You just don't quit.
And what happens if we do quit
and they roll right over us?
- You could roll over first.
- You're obscene!
I'm even better on the phone.
Give me some more light here.
This is eerie.
Sit a little closer.
It drives away the eeries.
Why do I feel safe here with you?
Search me. I don't.
[Quiet Chattering]
All things considered, I think things
are running fairly smoothly.
Don't you think so, Radar?
The tension is unbearable.
And building, building.
Can't you feel it, Frank?
Can't you feel anything?
Definitely.
Apart from the sniper, don't you think
things are running fairly smoothly?
Nobody's eaten in 13 hours, sir.
Yes, well, that coincides
with how long we've gone without food.
I have this peculiar metabolism.
If I don't eat regularly, everything
solid in my body turns to liquid.
My shoes are full of water.
They are not!
A real man...
if we had a real man in this outfit...
would be out there
in the darkness with his gun...
putting an end to this tension.
I don't do very well at night.
Since when?
My optic adjustment to darkness is,
uh, subnormal. I don't see very well.
But I do, and may I say, Frank,
that my eyes are wide open
and seeing more than I care to.
[Snoring]
- Margaret.
- [Gasps, Screams]
Relax, relax!
I'm not here for violation purposes.
Where's Frank?
It's his shift.
He's not here.
He's not here!
Frank?
Frank!
Come one step closer,
and I'll blow your head off.
Frank, it's Hawkeye.
- Frank.
- Oh, hi!
- Hi, Frank. What's new?
- Well, I, uh...
I was out hunting the sniper.
I was, really.
- Right.
- And then after a while, l...
Well...
Frank, even General Patton
had his off days.
- Really?
- Oh, he had days you wouldn't believe.
Days when he just
had to slap someone.
Do you know how long it took me
to become a doctor?
- Do you?
- I thought the usual time.
Twice as long.
I flunked out of two med schools.
I thought of switching to male nurse,
but I could never make hospital corners.
- Frank, you really don't have to...
- During my internship,
the local undertaker used to send me
Christmas presents and calendars.
But I made it.
Why should I throw all that away?
Let them send men
that have nothing to lose.
Sure, Frank. Sure.
Uh, Pierce?
[Whispering]
What are you going to say to, uh...
If you're lucky, and if I'm lucky,
I won't run into her.
[Clattering]
- The mess tent.
- The sniper?
Quiet! Come on.
Me?
He doesn't know we're out here,
but we know he's in there.
- Gives us a good chance to catch him.
- Catch him?
Or he catches us.
Whichever way it works out.
Look, if you want to be a hero
that much, you go.
Frank, you know what a hero is?
Ninety-nine times out of a hundred,
he's somebody who's tired enough...
and cold enough and hungry enough
not to give a damn.
I don't give a damn.
Come on.
Wait. I'll come with you.
- [Clattering]
- [Man Squealing]
I got him! I got him!
Stop shooting!
- You almost killed me!
- I didn't fire it!
I didn't! Yes, I did.
I had to get something to eat!
You'd risk your life
for a, a ketchup on rye?
With butter and lettuce!
- [Gunshot]
- That was too close.
[Whispers]
Wow!
You want to finish that sandwich
here or in surgery?
But, General,
you promised us help by noon.
Well, what time is it now?
1300 hours?
Well, now, that's after noon,
isn't it, sir?
I mean, isn't it 12
up until it gets to be noon,
and then you start all that
"hundred hours" stuff?
I wish the army would tell time
like everybody else.
- I mean, no offense, sir, but this...
- [Helicopter Approaching]
Wait. Hold on a minute.
Hold...
Uh, the chopper's here, sir.
Yeah. Uh, look,
I'll call you back later.
What's that, General?
I can't hear you.
I can't... What? Look, I said I'd...
[Blows Raspberry]
[Machine Gun Fire Continues]
You think they got him?
I think they got him and a half.
Holy...
It could be a trick.
He fired on our white flag, didn't he?
Let's fire on his!
[Stammering]
Just spitballing. I mean...
- Hey, Radar, you want to do me a favor?
- Yeah, I'll get your bag.
- You sure you know what you're doin'?
- Not really, no.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
See you.
If you knew how lucky you are
to be getting this house call.
- [Mclntyre] What's the word?
- He's gonna make it.
Oh, thanks, Radar.
I can use a little mother's milk.
Why was he shooting at us?
- He's just a kid, 16 or 17.
- Gee.
Interpreter said he got cut off
from his outfit, half out of his mind.
Scared, cold, hungry.
You won't believe this. He thought
this was MacArthur's headquarters.
- Oh, that's pathetic.
- He still thinks so!
He went under thinking he was gonna be
the most famous man in North Korea.
Seems a shame to disappoint him.
Be nice if MacArthur
could pay him a bedside visit.
Where are you gonna get a MacArthur
to show him, for Pete's sake?
- What's going on?
- You have returned.