M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 11, Episode 8 - The Moon Is Not Blue - full transcript

♪♪♪ (theme)

Don't you love this?
Hot chili in the middle
of a heat wave.

Quit your griping.
This steam table's
like a sauna.

Then you oughta serve
Swedish meatballs.

(tapping on metal)

Ears front, fellow sweaters.

Tonight when the mercury
dips into the breezy 90s

"Watch America's fighting men

as they march across Africa's
scorching desert sands"

Again with this?

"...and right into
your hearts in"
"Sahara!"



Hey, that's showbiz.

Klinger, if you're gonna
give us heat and war,

at least make it
new heat and war.

You're talking to
the wrong lackey.

I just show whatever
Special Services sends me.

Maybe Bannister can help you.
B. J.: Bannister?

He's the movie courier.
Come on. Let's go
be film critics.

(chuckles)

Bannister, huh?
Uhhuh.

I'm Hunnicutt. He's Pierce.
We're doctors.

Your movies are making us sick.

Gee, I'm awfully sorry,
but I have nothing to say

about the movies.

I just bring 'em.
I'm still sorry.



Who's the manager
of the Korean theater?

Oh, you mean
Major Frankenheimer.
Frankenheimer.

Frankenheimer.
Head of Special Services
in Seoul.

He makes all the selections.

Yeah, well tell him
if he sends us "Sahara"
one more time,

the audience will
be lobbing grenades.

Hey? Hey?
I'll see what I can do,

but, uh, don't expect
anything to change.

Excuse me.
Uh, we're out of milk.

Is there anything
left in your pitcher?

Huh?
Right there. The pitcher.

Can we have your milk?
That's milk.

Oh, well. I guess
that'll have to do then.

Thank you.
What?

For the milk.
(whispers) Yeah.

Is something wrong?

Why, does it show?

We're all sweating,
but you look like
you're drowning.

Oh, it's nothing.
It's nothing.

Hey. Doctors, remember?
You can tell us.

(coughs)
It's, uh, women.

Huh?
Hmm?

Women. Women.
I get nervous around 'em.

Gee, that's too bad.
They're everywhere.

Yeah, well, that's why
I joined the army.

I figured I wouldn't
have to deal with it,

but, uh, I never
counted on nurses.

MAN (on P. A.):
Attention, all personnel.
Incoming wounded.

Out of the frying pan
and into the O. R.

Now, that's what
makes me nervous.

How's General Rothaker
coming along?

Still a little groggy.

But he should be up
and saving the world

from peace in no time.

Save the needles for O.R.
I hope I look okay.

I gotta go pay
my respects to him.

You look great.

Those incompetents.
Those fools.
Those dunderheads.

Which dunderheads are
you talking about?
ICorps.

Oh, the head dunderheads.

We ordered a case of
codeine, and look

what they've sent us...
placebos.

Oh. Pills that do nothing.
Useless.

How much codeine do
we have on hand?
About a week's worth.

I'll tell the colonel
as soon as he's free.
Thank you.

Too bad they don't
use placebo bullets.
Yes.

Let the soldiers just
think they're dead.
Mmhmm.

This is the first MASH
I've ever toured on my back.

You people do good work.
Thanks, General.

One thing, though.

When they brought me
into the compound,

the corpsman had
beer on his breath.

Well, once in a while,

the men like to have
a tall cold one,

especially in this heat.
(chuckles)

But no one in my command
works a medical shift

in an impaired condition.

I'm not doubting it.

But you do have your own
speakeasy here, don't ya?

Well, we do have
a kind of a social club.

Mmm. And this social club,

is it operated by authorized
Special Services personnel?

Well, technically speaking,
it is not...

Then technically speaking,
what is it doing there?

Well, now, General,
we both know the best way

to blow off steam
is with a wet whistle.

I don't know that at all.

I don't want to smell any more
booze on anybody's breath.

As of now, any bars
or alcohol in this area

are strictly offlimits.

But, General...
Colonel, this MASH is dry.

That's an order.
And I expect you
to carry it out.

Yes, sir.

♪♪♪ (movie soundtrack)

MAN: There they are, Stegman,
coming over the hills.

MAN 2:
Yes, sir. I see them.

(gunfire in movie)

♪♪♪ (jukebox)

There's no end
to this furnace.

Baste me once before I die.

Didn't you inherit the
heatresistant blood
of your forefathers?

They cut my family out of
the will when we moved to Ohio.

C'mon, there must be
something you can do.

Take two ice cubes
and call me in the morning.

Very funny. You'll be
laughing at my funeral.

I tell you, I'm gonna die.

Courage, Camille.
I think I got something for you.

This is a brandnew,
topsecret experimental drug.

It keeps the body at a constant
comfortable temperature

no matter what
the weather's like.

Gimme one.

Gimme one, and I'll give
ya anything you want.

Just keep it a secret.
Now only take one a day.

You don't wanna
get pneumonia.
Thank you.

Thank you.

Tell me, Dr. Cronkite...

comes winter,
do you have something
that will keep me warm?

Ah, I just gave
him a placebo.
Really?

And it's working already.
It cured us of him.
(laughs)

Folks, could I have your
attention for a moment, please?

The next round of
drinks is on me.
(cheering)

That's because it's
also the last round.

The 4077th from now on
is on the wagon.

MAN: On the wagon?
(chattering)

I don't like it much myself,

but these orders came straight
from General Rothaker.

And unfortunately,
he's got the regs

and two stars on his side.

So this is how it is.
No booze on base.

What's the big deal?
We'll all go to Rosie's.
(chattering)

Sorry, folks.
Rosie's bar and any
other offcampus dives

you can think of
are offlimits.

So my advice for now is drink
that final one real slow.

It's gotta last ya.

(groaning)

The only good thing
about being here

is that we're able to drink
and forget we're here.

Uh, we still
have the still.

Oh. Shall we take a
stroll by the light of
the silvery moonshine?

(chuckles)

(Hawkeye whistling)

Mmm. I'm gonna go in there
and pour my heart out.

I'll drink to that.

No, you won't.
It's gone.

Damn it.

Wait. They left a ransom note.

"Sorry, boys, but I've had
to impound your hoochmobile

"for the duration of
Rothaker's stay.

Reluctantly,
Colonel Potter."

Lousy revenuers.

Gentlemen.
Quiet, Charles.

I'm looking for the liquor ads.

I thought you went
to see "Sahara" tonight.

Indeed, I did.
But, alas, I had to leave
when the film broke,

which was about
two seconds

after I ripped it
from the projector.

And I would have
been here sooner

but I had to stop
to accept the cheers
of the entire audience.

My, my. What has become
of your wino's erector set?

Potter took it.
Rothaker has
declared prohibition.

Hey, hey, hey.
Listen to this.

"Blue movie banned in Boston."

What?
"'The Moon is Blue,'

starring David Niven,
William Holden

and Maggie McNamara

has been banned
from local theaters

due to its
suggestive nature."

Philistines.
They said the same thing

about "Babette Meets
the Fleet."

Gentlemen, uh, before
you unleash your libidos

bear in mind, Boston would have
banned "Pinocchio."

"The Otto Preminger
film failed to receive

a production code
seal of approval

when he refused to delete
sexually explicit scenes
and dialogue."

This is a work of art.
Sexually explicit scenes.

And dialogue.
We've gotta see this.

What's the name
of that guy

in Special Services
Bannister works for?

Uh, Frankenheimer.
Frankenheimer!

We gotta call him first
thing in the morning
and get this movie.

Sexually explicit scenes!
And dialogue!

Yeah. Oh... Okay.
What? What?

Well, Bannister did
everything he could,
but it's nogo.

Frankenheimer's not
taking calls from
anybody but top brass.

Why don't we
forget the movie

and just have a
sweating contest?

Hi, guys.
Nice day, isn't it?

Will you look at him?
He's "sheveled."

Klinger, have you been
seeing an air conditioner

behind our backs?

No need to, Doc.

Thanks to those pills
you gave me,

I'm cool as a cucumber.

I'm going for some coffee.
Can I get you a cup?

Coffee?
What are you, crazy?

Looks like I've
discovered the cure
for the common hot.

I wish you'd never told me
those pills weren't real.

I'd be taking one
with my coffee.

Hi, kid.
Hi. What do you got there?

"Sahara." We're bringing it
back to Major Frankenheimer.

We wanted to deliver it
to him personally,

to make sure nothing
happened to it.

Oh, hey, you guys
can't go in there.

Oh, perfect. Can you say
that again, louder?

Huh?
Trust us. Just do it.

Hey, you guys
can't go in there.

Louder.
Hey, you guys can't
go in there!

See? Now you're off the hook.

Close the door.
This looks like Busby
Berkeley's dressing room.

What's goin' on?
We're returning your movie.

The characters are interesting,
but the story's a little choppy.

Who are you guys?

Hunnicutt and Pierce,
the doctors who
killed vaudeville.

We're from the 4077th MASH,

your favorite dumping ground
for all the movies you love
to hate.

Wait a minute.
Why am I shivering?
Because it's not hot.

Hey! How do you rate
an air conditioner?

'Cause I store film here.

You gotta keep
this stuff cool, babe.

Hold it. You're not a
general or a producer.

I don't have to answer
your questions.

Well, allow us just one.

Why do you keep sending us
the same old movies?

What are you talkin' about?

I send you medicos the finest
product available.

(buzzing)

What do you want?

Well, why didn't you say so?

General Madsen, how are ya?

(chuckles)
"High Noon." Yes, sir.

I got a print of that.
Saving it just for you.

(chuckling)
Uhhuh.

You and the senator
will love it.

Let's have lunch
some time. Ciao.

So, us medicos get the
best product available, huh?

All right, all right.

But you guys work
the front lines.

Nobody up there's
on my Alist.

Frankenheimer,
let's talk turkey.

And believe me, you've made us
authorities on that subject.

But you can make up for it
in one fell swoop.

We want a movie called
"The Moon Is Blue."

(laughs)
Are you kidding?

That's the hottest property
in the Far East.

I know. I know.
That's why we want it.

Forget about it.
No chance.

Will you guys beat it?
You're startin' to bother me.

All right, all right.

Let's throw away the script
and adlib a little, huh?

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, suppose you turned
away for a minute to, say,

uh, adjust
the air conditioner

and then when you turned back,

right there on your desk
were two $20 bills.

Make it a 20 and a 10.

Would that take
care of the handling

and delivery charges
for "The Moon Is Blue?"

I am appalled.

Nay, offended, that you
would even make such an offer.

Hey, no offense.
We weren't trying
to bribe you.

I'll say you weren't.
That kinda money wouldn't

get ya my Hoover Dam
vacation movies.

Well, what would it take?
A miracle.

Hugo Reneke,
my distributor in Tokyo,

he's got that film booked
out for the next two wars.

Can't you talk to him?
I'd love to.

The phony little creep
won't take my calls.

What if we can get to him?
Fine. Fine. You do that.

You have him ship
the movie to me

and the same day,
I'll ship it out to you.

And while you're at it,
ask him for the Mona Lisa.

Now, will you guys
please get outta here?

I have things to do.

We don't want to use up
too much of your cool air.
Out.

Does this mean we're
not having lunch, babe?

Out.
Fine.

We sure put him
in his place.

Which is a lot cooler
than this place.

Welcome back to the tropics.
Any luck in there?

Ah, he gave us
the cold shoulder.

I gotta admit, it was
nice while it lasted.

Bannister, are you all right?

Relax, pal. Frankenheimer
didn't blame you.

Oh, that's not it.
I just got off the phone

with a friend of mine who
fixed me up with a date.

Yeah?
With a girl.

Now I gotta call her.

Terrific.
Oh, you gotta be kidding.

I can't take her out.
I can't even call her

to tell her I can't
take her out.

I'm pathetic.

No, you're not.
You're just a little
shy, that's all.

A little? Oh, come on, Doc.
This is like a disease.

Disease, huh?
You know, Bannister,

it's funny you
should mention that.

One of these can give
you more confidence

than all the deodorants
ever produced.

Oh. Sounds good to me.

Take it easy with those things.
They're very potent.

We don't want to
turn you into an egomaniac.

Yeah. I took two yesterday,
and now I'm so terrific,

I can hardly
stand myself.

(exhales)

B5. That's "B,"
as in blessed, 5.

Rats. All I need is B4.

I'm sorry to
bother you, Colonel,

but we're down to a
threeday supply of codeine.

When is ICorps gonna
replace those sugar pills?

I called them this morning.

According to their records,
they sent us codeine.

I told them we got
sugar pills instead.

I even sang them a few choruses
of the fourletter serenade.

They still say
it's codeine.

"O," as in Old Testament...

63.

Monkey muffins!
Are we gonna get it?

Don't worry.
I'll call again tomorrow.

I'll keep calling 'em
until I get results.

I hope you can
work it out, sir.

Not much I can do.

It's a game of luck.
Come on, B4.

"N," as in Nebuchadnezzar...

38.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm marking my card.
I have N38.

That may very well be
your number...

but that is my bean.

Well, pardon me, sir,
but I don't see your name on it.

No. No. Nevertheless,
it came from my side
of the pile.

Major, all the beans
are the same.

No. No. Let me show you
the difference.

These are your beans.

These are my beans.

Okay. Okay.
Excuse me for living.

There is no excuse
for your living.

Those are my beans!

Looks to me, Major,
like somewhere out there...

is a butterfly net
with your name on it.

Well, what do you expect?
It's 150 degrees in here.

I haven't had anything
refreshing to eat or drink
for over a week.

Besides which,
those are my beans.
(mutters)

You're perfectly right.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I have an announcement.

Effective immediately,
those are Major Winchester's
beans.

CHARLES:
Thank you.

Told ya! Poor slob's
crazed from the heat.

It's all yours, Padre.
Thank you, Colonel.

"B," as in Bathsheba...

14.
Bingo!

Damn Sam!

(crowd murmuring)
I think we ought to take five.

We have fruit punch
and, uh, assorted nuts.

KLINGER:
Okay. Let's play bingo.

Klinger, how can you dress
like that on a day like this?

Don't worry, sir.
I know you want
to keep the lid on this.

I haven't told a soul
about these little
white miracle pills

that Captain Pierce
has been working on.
Pierce, huh?

Well, I wanna be the first
to tell you that it works.

Here I stand, a guinea pig
that isn't sweating like one.

I think I'd better have
a little confab with your

family physician
as soon as he returns.

Is there something
I should know, sir?
Not really, you lucky devil.

The less you know,
the better.

Home is where the heat is.

Evening, gents.
Hi, Colonel.
How 'bout this weather?

It's hot, especially
under my collar.

Where do you get off
passing out those placebos?

Well, I figured what Klinger
didn't know would help him.

Look, the only way I'm gonna
get real codeine

is if I can show them that
what they sent us is placebos.

And I can't do that if Klinger
keeps gulping them down.

As of now,
the pharmacy is closed!

Looks like the
only draft around here

is coming out of
Klinger's mouth.

Nothing keeps in this weather,
especially a secret.

Wait a minute, sirs.
I need to talk to you.

Klinger, about those pills...

Shh. That's a secret.
Oh. Sorry. Sorry.

That's why I wanted to see you.
I needed some more.

More. Look, Klinger...

I just took my last one,
and I wanna thank you.
They saved my life.

Look at me.
I'm a human being again.

You guys are terrific.

Yeah. Well, see, further
research has revealed

that one pill lasts
for a whole week.

Gee, I...
I've taken four.

You mean I'm safe for a month?
Exactly.

Gee, that's great.
How'd it go with Frankenheimer?

It didn't.
He's just a middleman.

The only guy who can
get his hands on

that film is some
distributor in Tokyo.

Well, you can't quit now.
What's his name?

Hugo Reneke.
What difference does it make?

Look. I owe you guys a favor.

Let me make a few calls
to the underground
clerks' network.

I'm sure whoever this guy is,

he's got a back
that can be scratched.

Scratch away.

Captain.

Captain, we're in business.
Show business.

What are you talking about?
"The Moon Is Blue."

We're getting
"The Moon Is Blue."
Oh, that's terrific.

You got to Reneke?
How'd you do it?

Oh, I put out a few feelers.
Yeah, and?

Does the name
General Zimmer's wife
mean anything to you?

Uh, no.
No.

Well, it sure does
to Hugo Reneke.

He's got a skeleton
in his closet

and it's hanging right next
to Betty Zimmer's nightie.

(laughing)

So I called him up, said, "Betty
Zimmer sends her best."

The next thing I knew,
he was sending us his best.

"The Moon Is Blue"
will be Frankenheimer's

first mail call
tomorrow morning.

(laughs) And I'll be
his first phone call.

Got it right here, Pierce.

I don't know
how you guys did it.
You deserve a medal.

Just seeing that movie
will be thanks enough.

Put it on a chopper and have
it here this afternoon.

Are you kidding?
I got a waiting
list a mile long.

And there's nobody lower
than two stars on it.

You promised if we
got our hands on it
you'd send it right over.

That's the movie business, babe.
Always a heartbreak.

But to show you
I'm a sweetheart,

I'm gonna send ya a
print of "State Fair."

It's a great flick.
You'll love it. Ciao, Doc.

Boy, seeing that
picture sure would

make up for all
the heat we've got

and all the drinks we ain't.

How 'bout if I throw
some rank around?
No, forget it.

Birds, bars and clusters
mean nothing to this guy.

He's strictly into
general delivery.

Too bad.

Till we lost the booze,

I never realized
how rotten the water is.

Well, I gotta make
my daily codeine call.

Those phony pills are
giving me a real headache.

Speaking of pills,
why don't we go check
on our other patient?

Hey, I'm glad you called, Doc.

Remember that blind
date I told you about?

Well, a little while after
I took that pill you gave me,

I guess it started
to take effect.

I actually had
enough nerve to call her,
and she sounded real nice.

We're, uh, going out tonight.

Hey, that's great.
I knew you could do it.

Listen, I got a
little favor to ask you.

Your boss is
sending us "State Fair."

All I want you to do
is switch the label
with "The Moon Is Blue."

Oh, sure.
Anything for you guys.

After all, those little
pills changed my life.

Well, I'll tell you something.
You changed your life.

Those little white pills
were nothing.

They have no medicinal
value whatsoever.
It's all in your head.

You mean those guts
were my guts?

Yes, yes. Exactly.
Well, what do you know?

Have a good time
tonight, tiger.

Boy, you think it's
hot around here now,

wait'll that movie
gets here.

WWait a minute.
Those little white
pills you gave him...

Are they the same little
white pills you gave me?
Yes.

The ones with no
medicinal value whatsoever?

Whatsoever.

Well, thanks a
lot for nothing.

Klinger, it's all in your head.
Just don't be hot.

Don't be hot?
What do you think
I am, an idiot?

I can't wait.

These people are expecting
quality, and they're gonna
get smut.

Won't they be thrilled?

You boys'll be happy to hear
the codeine is on its way.

Terrific, Colonel.
How'd you pull that off?

Somebody stole the placebos
that were supposed to be
codeine.

Since ICorps insisted
it was codeine to begin with...

I told them
that's what was stolen.

They said, "No problem.
We'll send you a new shipment
tomorrow morning."

Any idea who the thief was?
I'd love to shake his hand
and say thank you.

You're welcome.
(laughing)

Well, enough of business.
Now for some pleasure.

Ahha.
I think this movie
is gonna be more entertaining

than you ever imagined.

And I think you boys
are in for a bigger treat
than you expect.

(clears throat)

Uh, fellow movie buffs,
as we all know,

our scheduled movie
for tonight is "State Fair."

However, thanks to the
efforts of General Rothaker

who put in a call to a certain
movie bigwig in Seoul,

we will not be seeing
"State Fair" tonight.

(chattering)
POTTER: Ah, no.

But instead, he coaxed them
into sending us

a piece of entertainment

of a rather
sophisticated nature.

I give you "The Moon Is Blue."
Roll 'em.

(applause)

♪♪♪ (overture)

♪ Our state fair is
a great state fair ♪

♪ Don't miss it,
don't even be late ♪

♪ It's dollars to donuts ♪

♪ That our State Fair ♪

MAN: Now you're sure
you don't mind coming.

WOMAN: Quite sure.
MAN: No qualms.

WOMAN:
Not a qualm in the world.

And I'm not reflecting on
your virility either.

Let's leave my virility
out of this.

WOMAN: I just didn't want
to hurt your feelings.

You know, boys are so funny.

They're not the least bit
flattered to be trusted.

Pardon me, lady.
But what makes you
trust him so implicitly?

I guess it sounds
kind of corny,

but I think
he's a man of honor.

A girl can tell.

I got three daughters.
I only hope they can tell too.

Oh, thank you, mister.

You know, for what
I learn on that trip,

my psychiatrist would
charge me at least 25 bucks.

I'm so glad you don't mind.
Mind what?

Well, men are usually
so bored with virgins.
I'm so glad you're not.

I'm outraged!
It's a disgrace.

I've never seen a cleaner
movie in my life.

There was more filth and dirt
in this morning's breakfast.

Well, one of the actors
did say "virgin."

That's because
everyone was.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ (theme)