M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 11, Episode 2 - Trick or Treatment - full transcript

♪♪♪ (theme)

(Hawkeye humming)

(tune of "Heat Wave")
♪ We're havin' a party ♪

♪ A Halloween party ♪

♪ It might be amusing
to watch a ghost boozing ♪

♪ And see if it can cancan ♪

Yeah, rather than sing,
Supermouth,

why not try leaping
off a tall building
with a single bound?

Can't help it, Charles.

My voice is more powerful
than a locomotive.

(goofy voice) Well, Clark,
how do I look? Hyuh! Hyuh!



Oh, the classic clown.

Careful. Care
Watch the record.

Big nose, baggy pants.

And wherever did you get those
gigantic, ridiculous feet?

Ah, from my father's side
his sister Selma.

Will you hurry up with that?
We gotta get over to Rosie's

before the Marines
start eating the bar.

I hope these guys
aren't the same ones
from last Halloween

who wound up
playing pin the tail
on the bartender.

The very same
the Pusan Piranhas.

But this year,
they had to promise
to let their hair down.

You sure you won't
reconsider, Charles?

It sounds
like your kind of crowd.

As long as you're already
wearing a mask.



Ha ha ha. Thank you, no.
I'm on duty tonight.

I have no doubt
that an evening of illness
and human suffering

will be infinitely more
entertaining.

Hey, guys, can one of you
come and look at

Klinger, do you realize

how many zoots had to be
killed to make that one suit?

You like it?
My uncle Habib gave it to me.

He had some business setbacks.

He won't be needing it
for one to five years.

They should let him out
and lock up the tailor.

Will you guys knock it off?

The Piranhas
have landed at Rosie's,

and already we got
their first casualty.

I'm sorry.
I don't remove tattoos.

How about billiard balls?
What?

A Marine got one
stuck in his mouth.

That must have been some shot.
Can he breathe?

Oh, yeah, he's fine.
You need a bazooka
to kill those guys.

He bet someone

that he could put
a pool ball in his mouth

and then take it out.
Well, he was half right.

Maybe it'll keep him
quiet for a while.

The other guys said

he pulls these obnoxious
stunts all the time.

But he needs a doctor.

Well, this certainly
doesn't look like
a job for Superman.

Certainly wouldn't want
some clown to handle him.
Hyuh, hyuh, hyuh.

Is there a doctor
in the house?

I don't believe it.
A pool ball?

In the mouth?
Yep. Mmhmm.

And people say
Americans are crude.

Aw, come on, Charles.
Where's your Halloween spirit?

(goofy laugh)

Halloween spirit?
(mocking goofy laugh)

At any moment, a wounded
soldier could come in here

truly needing my services,
and what am I doing?

I am treating
some "leatherbrain"

who literally decided
to have a ball.

I will show him some
Halloween spirit.
(mocking laugh)

Hello.

I'm Dr. Winchester.
(grunts)

And your name is?
(muffled grunt)

Would that be
with one "M" or two?

(muffled grunting)

Of course. Three.

Now, then. What seems
to be the problem?

(muffled grunting)

Now, my dear lad,
don't be shy.

The doctor
is your friend.

(muffled grunting)

Oh. You seem to be
a bit congested.

(muffled grunting)

Feel a little frog
in your throat?

Uhuh.

(muffled grunting)

Could you Could you cough
for the doctor, please?

Mmmmm!

My dear man,

how can I discover
what's wrong with you

if you will not cooperate?

(muffled grunting)

Oh, I see. You want me
to take your temperature.

I can do that. Gadzooks!

Do you realize you have
something in your mouth?

(whimpering)

What on earth could that be?

(sputtering)

Oh, lookie. A little 6
painted on it.

Could that be
how old you are?

(muffled grunt)
Oh! Now I see.

You may not realize this,

but you have a pool ball
lodged in your mouth.

(muffled grunting)

No sweat.
There is an alternative.

I'll just take
your temperature
the other way.

(muffled screaming)

Well, don't get mad
at me, chum.

I mean, if you didn't have
that silly pool ball in there,

I could stick the thermometer
in your mouth.

(muffled grunting)

Wait a minute.
I got a crazy idea.

You know, this just
this just might work.

What if I were
to remove the ball?

(muffled grunting)

Now, how would I do that?
Let's see.

What to do. I know.

I shall pull
all your teeth.

Uhuh! Uhuh!

(muffled grunting)

Come on, sport.

Are you a Marine or a mouse?

(muffled grunt)

I could use
a muscle relaxant.

That ought to do the trick.

(muffled grunting)

But it is the wimp's way out.

Be forewarned,
Private Mosconi.

The next time we meet,

I plan to perform
major surgery,

whether you need it or not.

(muffled sigh)

Gee, Beej,
I thought you'd have

one of those cute little
clown cars for us.

Bozo Jr.'s using it tonight.
Oh.

Howdy, pardners.
Goin' our way?

If it isn't Buffalo Bob
and Madame Woo!
(toot toot)

Now I know why cowboys
are bowlegged.

Chaps chafe.
(chuckling)

My, my. That's quite a dress
you don't have on.

What a waste
of my Xray vision.
Now shut your flap.

You gotta admit,
Margaret,

that slit is as high
as an elephant's thigh.

When will you two ever
get out of puberty?

He's in puberty. I'm in love.
Germ.

MAN (on P. A.):
Attention, all personnel.

Some party guests
have arrived

dressed as wounded soldiers.

B.J.:
Party crashers.

Too bad the enemy
was dressed to kill.

I need a doctor here.
I've got a belly wound.
Preop. Stat.

B.J.: What's with the toe tag?

Battalion Aid
sending their dead?

Commies got a push on.
Battalion Aid had to move back.

We were the only way
to get 'em out.

I need a doctor here!
Hunnicutt, help the living.

This kid's a Catholic.
Where's Father Mulcahy?
He's at the orphanage.

Having a Halloween party
for the kids.

You better call
Graves Registration

to come by for that boy.
Yes, sir.

HAWKEYE: Halloween in Korea
bobbing for shrapnel.

(Marines cheering in distance)

POTTER: What in blazes
is going on over there?

B.J.: The Piranhas
probably found a winner

for pin the tail
on the bartender.

If they got returns
on their empties,

they'd get a fortune
on their heads.

Now what?
Uhoh. I'd better go check.

It's gotta be the generator.

Maybe one of the Marines
tried to swallow it.

When I was a kid, Halloween
wasn't for getting pieeyed.

It was for getting the skivvies
scared off of you.

Oh, come now, Colonel.

Hobgoblins are the
hobgoblins of little minds.

Oh, I don't know about that.

I've seen some pretty odd
things in my day.

One night back in '39,
Mildred had a dream

that her brother Calvin
came into the room,

sat down at the foot
of her bed,

and shook his head at her
kind of sadly.

It was so real,

she felt she could
reach out and touch him.

In the morning,
we got a phone call

that Calvin had died
of a heart attack.

Mildred got on the phone
to her sister Louise.

Before she could
get a word out,

Louise said,
"It's bad news, isn't it?"

She said,
"I had a dream last night

"that Calvin came and sat
at the foot of my bed

and shook his head at me."

Well, it's a sad tale,
Colonel,

but surely
coincidence explains it.

Not to me it doesn't.

I got bad news
and bad news.

The generator's
on half power,

but the bullets
are full strength.

There's more wounded
in the compound.

You see to it

that every unnecessary light
in this camp is doused.

I'm free. Anyone else?

Aw, Colonel,
it's dark out there.

Don't worry, son.
I'll hold your hand.

I'll take this one.
What happened, son?

A few of us
were on patrol.

Someone
stepped on a mine.

My leg feels
like it's on fire.

Compound leg fracture.
Prep him. And be careful.

I don't like the way that
bone's stickin' out there.

You're gonna be fine.
Just relax.

How are you doin', pal?

I guess I bumped
my head, doc.

Oh! Smells like you
had a few dozen drinks

to kill the pain.

Oh. Well, us Marines

were just havin'
a little party too.

Yeah, I know.

We almost called the cops
on account of the noise.

Yeah, it was great.
Huh.

Me and this corporal
decided

to have a little
jeep race backward.

Uhhuh.
Boy!

Don't ever race a jeep
backward, doc.

I'll try to remember that.

Oh, it was goin' great.

I was ahead.
Or was it behind?

Anyway, this dumb chicken
gets in the way,

so I swerved to miss it,
and I did.

Unfortunately, I ran over
the whole chicken coop.

Uhhuh. Gee,
I'm sorry to hear that.

That's okay. I won anyway.
Mmm.

Just got a few shell
fragments. Ha!
(chuckles)

Come on, Wrong Way.

You're as funny
as you are smart.

Thanks.

Geez,
I got feathers everywhere.

So my uncle
is way out at sea.

His compass is broken,
there's no radio,

and there's a storm coming up.

Through the fog, he sees
this old fishing boat

The Luck of the Irish

chugging along like
it knows where it's going.

So he follows it,

and it leads him
safely back to port.

As my uncle is tying up,

the boat turns around
and sails off into the fog.

Boy,
I'm all aquiver.

I'm not finished yet.
The next day,

when he told the Coast Guard
how he found his way back,

they told him
The Luck of the Irish

had broken up and sunk
20 years before.

Oh, come on now, Pierce.
We're all adults here.

Clamp.
NURSE: Wow. 20 years.

No. Now.
Not in 20 years. Now.

MARGARET: I don't know
about you, Charles,

but that certainly
made my flesh crawl.

Good. Have it crawl over
to my place tonight.

You haven't got a prayer,

even with the luck
of the Irish.

Here's the Xray of that
compound fracture.

Damn. I've been pokin' around
people's bodies for 30 years,

but this is one thing
I'll never get used to.

MARGARET: What is it?
This protruding bone.

It can be removed
completely.

He'll be better off
without it.

I don't understand.
It ain't his.

It probably belonged
to the man in front of him.

The mine explosion drove it

right into this boy's leg
like a spear.

Oh, my God.

More wounded in the compound.
They're litter to litter.

This kid would rather
I didn't leave just now.

I'll go. Close for me.

Actually, I'd prefer the
privacy of a phone booth.

(sighs)

The way I see it,

the army owes us
so many coffee breaks,

we should get 1954 off.

What have we got here?

Shoulder wound, doctor.

That's not too bad.
How do you feel?

I'll live.

You sure will.

Don't worry.
I've never lost a patient.

I never lose anything.

Have you seen my stethoscope?

Hang in there.

Better get some Xrays on him.
Right.

He's so thin, you could
probably just hold him
up to the light.

NURSE: Prepare some

Emergency!
Emergency over here!

Can't somebody at least
cover up this poor guy?

I'll get a sheet.

MAN: Hey, corpsman,
help me over here.

Take him right into preop.

After her husband's funeral,

she decided to take
a picture of the car wreck,

for insurance purposes.

When the photo came back
from the drugstore,

standing in front of the car
was her husband

wearing the suit
she'd bought to bury him in.

ALL: Ohh!

You know, what's frightening
is that so many idiots

could be in one room
at the same time.

Doctor, I'm getting
an irregular pulse.

What were
his electrolytes?

Didn't get any in preop.
POTTER: What's goin' on?

It's that skinny kid
they just brought in.

We put him under, and now
he's got an arrhythmia.

If he had any dysrhythmia,

he wouldn't have passed
his army physical.

There's no time
to call his draft board.

We gotta get him stabilized.
Better draw some blood

and get a set of electrolytes.

He's doing
a little better.

Let's get this finished
up as soon as possible.

We're shifting
into overdrive.

KLINGER: It's your
neighborhood broken record

We got wounded.
We got wounded.
Damn!

POTTER:
Shrapnel in the leg.

Excuse me. Sir,
I'm lookin' for the C. O.

Look no further.
Give him morphine.

I understand you have
a Marine corporal here:

Hrabosky. He came in earlier.

Him and a lot of others.

This is the one who had
the jeep accident, sir.

Backed into a chicken coop.
Not now, Sergeant.

I'll only take a second, sir.
I just want you to knw

that man should
be considered a prisoner
and confined to his bed.

Sergeant, see this red
all over my hands?

I ain't been painting!
Give me a break, Colonel.

You know how touchy the army
is about this sort of thing.

We ain't only responsible
for those chickens

but for all the eggs
they would've laid.

Listen, damn it,
we got enough wounded here

to hold us through W. W. IV.

I personally have
a dozen types of blood
squishing in my boots!

I am tired, I am discouraged,

and I don't give a damn
about any blessed chickens!

Got it?

NURSE: Prepare some plasma.

Colonel, we're
Graves Registration.

That's him.
Sign here, sir.

Sure, why not? He's just
another number, right?

Sir?
Forget it.

Now, if you don't mind,

I'd like to keep you boys
from getting any busier.

What a grouch. The old man
must have saddle sores.

Yeah. Well,
let's get him loaded up

and then get some coffee.

Good idea.
I'm dead on my feet.

Here are the test results,
doctor.

Yeah, I thought so.
His electrolytes are lousy.

The potassium's real low.

Well, I'm not surprised.

This kid's about 20 pounds
underweight. Thanks.

Malnutrition?
That's all I can figure.

We gotta get some food
into this guy.

Be the first time the mess tent
ever saved a life.

I don't want
to hear it, Klinger.

I don't wanna say it, sir.

Major.

Oh, damn.

Good heavens.
More "Halloweenies."

Guess I had a little
accident, sir.

Of course. You were
dropped on your head

when you were a child.
What happened recently?

I sure made a mess
out of my hand, sir.

I hope you got
the license number

of the jaw that jumped
in front of this.

It wasn't a jaw.
It was a fan.

A fan?
Oh, a rabid admirer, eh?

Uhuh. Electric fan.

I bet this guy at Rosie's
I could stick my hand in it

and pull it out
before it got all sliced up.

Congratulations.
You've just answered
the question

"What is the lowest form
of Marine life?"

Well, you're lucky.
There doesn't seem
to be any tendon damage.

I want you to go through
that door right there, see,

and tell the nurse
you have a booboo,

and she'll clean
that out for you.

Just for the hell of it,

why don't you have
your head Xrayed?

See if anything shows up.

You're one
in a million, doc.

That means so much
coming from you.

Hi. I brought you something.

Voilà. Pumpkin pie.

I almost became a casualty
saving the last piece for you.

It's not bad.

Take it away, doc.

You're suffering
from malnutrition.

You really ought to try
to eat something.

I don't want it.

Go ahead. It's delicious. Hey!

What gives?

Nothin'.

I know our food is lousy,

but nobody does that
without a damn good reason.

Come on.
Whatever's bothering you

is not gonna go away
unless you talk about it.

(sniffle)

A couple of weeks ago,

we were in heavy fighting
near Heartbreak Ridge.

We held off a bad Chinese
assault for days.

They threw everything
they had at us,

even handtohand combat,

but we stood our ground.

When they finally withdrew,

our C. O. was real proud of us.

He thought we deserved
an early Thanksgiving,

so (inhale)

we got some turkey sent down
special. (chuckle)

Even had stuffing.

And Bertleson, Wooster,
Greenwade, and me...

found ourselves
an empty foxhole,

started to chow down.

It was the, uh

It was the first laugh
we'd had in weeks.

I I ate real fast.

I didn't want
to miss out on seconds.

I was standing
in the chow line

gettin' my tray
loaded down again...

all of a sudden
there's an artillery burst.

JJust for a minute, you know?

When I ran back
to the foxhole...

my buddies were dead.

Every one of'em.

They all looked so surprised.

(sniffle)

I'd be dead, too, if

if I hadn't been such a pig.

And you haven't eaten
since then, huh?

(sniffling)
I can't even look at food.

Look, Scala...

I know it's rough,
but if you don't eat...

you could die.

I know a doctor
Sidney Freedman.

He helps people
work things out.

He's got a shoulder big enough
for the whole world to lean on.

I'd like you to talk to him.

What do you say?

How could anybody make me
forget what happened?

Nobody forgets
what happens here.

The secret is learning
to live with it.

For all of us.

Hiya, Father.
You look pretty beat.

Boy, those children
sure ran me ragged.

You don't look
so invincible yourself.

Yeah, well, things got
a little hectic here too.

Oh, my. Casualties?
A lot.

Any deaths?

Just one,
and he came in dead.

As a matter of fact,
he was Catholic.

Well, is he still here?
He should get last rites.

Yeah, he's, uh...

I think those guys
are taking him now.

Oh. Hey!

(whistles)

Hold that truck!

What is it, Father?

The dead soldier
you're carrying,

he hasn't had last rites.

Okay, Father. I guess that's
the least we can do for him.

Thanks.

(speaking Latin)

Oh, my God.

Hawkeye!

Gentlemen,
I want to thank you for ta

Gentlemen.

Hi. I want to thank you
for taking up the time

we would normally have
frittered away on casualties

of a far less ludicrous
nature than yours.

You will undoubtedly
be returning

to the pool halls
of Montezuma.

And you to receive
advanced training

in handtofan combat.

Gee, Major, we were just
lettin' off a little steam.

Well, perhaps,
some time in the future,

you might try to act
a little more

like mature adults.
(toot toot)

From now on, I promise I'll
try to act just like him.

(toot toot)

Well, he is from California.

(clown shoes flopping)
MARGARET: Shh.

How's he doing?
He seems to be resting easy.

I just can't believe

that Battalion Aid
declared him dead.

Well, I wouldn't condemn

those folks
at Battalion Aid so fast.

They're movin' out,
all hell is breaking loose.

A man comes through
with no pulse, no heartbeat,

more holes in him
than a golf course.

Then you'd have thought

somebody here
would have checked him out.

Once you see that toe tag,

you gotta assume he's got
both feet in the grave.

It's the first time
I've heard of

where being dead
wasn't terminal.

Welcome to the club,
Padre.

You saved a life.

Well, no. I

Well...

I guess I was in communication
with the one who did.

Weird.

I've never seen
anything like it.

This is definitely
one ghost story
nobody's gonna top.

(rustling)

(rustling stops)

Pierce? Hunnicutt?
Did you hear that?

Mmm. (snorts)

(rustling)

(rustling stops)

(sighs)

(rustling)

(gasp)

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ (theme)