M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 11, Episode 11 - Strange Bedfellows - full transcript

♪♪♪ (theme)

(airplane passing overhead)

You fellas look like
walking advertisements
for rigor mortis.

You feeling all right?

If only I had the strength
to drop dead.

If you two would stop
carousing all night,

you might feel better
in the morning.

For your information,
Margaret,

we went to bed at 10:00
last night.

And at 10:15,
10:30

What are you talking about?
Charles snores!



We would have gotten a better
night's sleep at the front.

Good morning!
I wouldn't bring that up
for a vote, if I were you.

Not unless you want to
see a show of fists.

Charles,
for the sake of our sanity,
which is iffy at best,

why don't you go sleep
someplace else tonight?

How about the V. I. P. tent?
Sorry, boys.

That room's got
the ocupado sign out for
my soninlaw tonight.

Your soninlaw's
coming here?

Who booked his trip,
the Marquis De Sade
Travel Agency?

Nope. He's here
on a business trip.

And if Klinger gets
the last of the red tape
tied up,

he'll be here today.

(chuckling)
What's so funny about that?

Oh, I was just thinking.



Charles Emerson
Winchester III snores.

(continues laughing)
No, Charles does not snore.

Since I have never snored
in my entire life,

why would I start
all of a sudden?

If, of course, I had.
Which, of course, I haven't.

Good news, Colonel.
ICorps just cleared
your soninlaw.

Hot potaters.
When'll he be here?

He's wrapping up
a little business in Seoul.

He should make it
by lunchtime.

Isn't that nice?
I can't wait to meet him.

What kind of business
is he in?

Import gifts.
You know, little doodads

that sort of sit around
the house and look cute.

No doubt the sort of
rare treasures displayed

at the gift counters
of finer gas stations
everywhere.

Oh, stuff it, Winchester.

Anyway, his company
opened up a branch in Tokyo.

Somebody had to come out and
check the new corporate digs.

So Bob pulled some strings
to get to Seoul,

and I pulled some more strings
to get him here,

and now if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna get myself spruced up.

I'll get the V. I. P. tent
ready, sir.

Geez, you guys look awful.

You really ought
to get some sleep.

We were up all night
listening to a kazoo concert.

Boy, how come I always
hear about special stuff
after it's too late?

(knocking)
Coming.

Oh, it's you.
Oh, sorry to
disappoint you, sir.

I just thought you might
be wanting your afternoon
soninlaw.

Bobby!
Hey, Pop.
It's great to see ya.

Oh, you look wonderful.

Klinger, why don't you
take Bob's stuff
over to the V. I. P. tent.

I'll show him the way later.
Yes, sir.

It will be
an honor and privilege
to carry civilian clothes.

Look at you.

You're spiffier than
a petunia in a patch
of chigger weed.

You look pretty terrific
yourself.

You know, I always
told Mildred, "You keep
an eye on that boy.

He's gonna be somebody
one of these days."

I seem to remember
something in there
about hell freezing over.

(laughs)
Well...

that was a long time ago,

and we've both done
a lot of growing up.

Here. I got a present
for you, Pop.

Figured it'd be
a handsome addition to
your Zane Grey library.

Oh.

I picked 'em up
at our factory in Seoul.

We make all sorts of
brass knickknacks there,

mostly out of melteddown
shell casings.

It's too bad they can't
skip the middleman,

make the knickknacks
and throw away the bullets.

Thanks, Son.
That's very thoughtful of you.

Sit down.

Oh. I've got
something for you, too.
Somewhere around here.

Oh, you didn't have to
get me a present, Pop.

I swear it's someplace here,
and I know you're
gonna love it.

It's a little handcarved
picture frame that
the local folks make,

and I put a snapshot in it
of the whole family.

Thought it might keep you
from getting lonesome when
you're on the road.

Gee, that sounds great.
Thanks.

Uh, I probably stuck it
in my office someplace.

Well, don't worry.
I'll find it before you leave.

So, you're enjoying
your trip?

Yeah. It's been interesting.
But I'm kinda tired.

I was gonna give you
a tour of the camp right off,

but it isn't going anywhere,
so why don't you take
a little nap first?

Gee, thanks.
Come on. I'll show you
your bunkhouse.

Unfortunately,
there's more bunk than house.

Eh Pardon.

Please be sure to change
Private Grotowski's dressing
every four ho (sneezes)

Bless you.
Charles, you sneezed.

That's right. You did.
You sneezed.

Gentlemen,
how astute of you.

Your years of
medical schooling

have not gone to waste
after all.

Flowers.
An allergy.

That could be causing
your snoring.

Where did these come from?
I picked them just
this morning.

They're blooming
all over the place.

Are you having trouble
breathing?
Actually

You know, that could be why
he's never snored before.

Just take an antihistamine
until the flower season is over.

Gentlemen and Margaret,
as a physician,

I'm fully aware that
pollen can cause certain
allergic reactions

which,
in certain circumstances,
can lead to snoring.

However, in this case,
that cannot be the case.
MARGARET: Why not?

Because I do not snore!

Charles, what is the big deal
about admitting it?

A lot of people snore.

A lot of people
dribble soup on their chins
and vote for Democrats.

Hey, Doc, you snore?
Did you ever try
sleepin' on your stomach?

(groans)

♪♪♪ (ragtime)

POTTER:
Well, here's to you, son.

Huh? Who's in Tucson?

Pierce,
if you're so dog tired,

why don't you go back to
the Swamp and sleep?

I'd rather sleep here.
It's quieter.

I'll never forget when Evy
first started bringing
Bob around.

Which was easier than
bringing you two around.
Sorry, Colonel.

He came to the house one night
all gussied up in a new suit.

He was friendly.
He was polite.

Called me sir.
I didn't buy it for a minute.

I figured any man
with all that sugarcoatin'
had to be a pill.

You know what's funny?
I wasn't too crazy about you
back then either.

Really?
(laughs)

Ain't that a hoot?
Why was that?

Well, I don't know.
I just thought
you were kind of grumpy.

(laughing)
He thought you were
kind of grumpy.

Now you wake up.
Hmm?

You'll have to
excuse these two.
They're themselves today.

Sorry, Bob.
But there's an ill wind blowing
all night in our tent.

Listen. What do you say
we go back to the Swamp?
Huh? What for?

Maybe that ill wind can blow
us some good. Come on.

Come on.
Good night.

Just as well.
We'll have a chance to be alone.

I don't know
if I ever told you this.

Knowing me, probably not.

My first instincts
about you... dead wrong.

I think Evy got
a damned fine husband,

and I got myself
a good friend.

Thanks, Pop.
Anyway, I, uh

It's getting kind of late.
I think I'd like to turn in.

Already? Didn't you catch
a nap this afternoon?

I guess I'm just tired
from all this traveling.

Well, I know how that is.
We'll put a bookmark here,

and pick up where
we left off tomorrow.

Good night, son.
Good night.

(snoring)

(Charles snoring on tape)

Wha What is that
infernal noise?

(loud snoring)
You mean this tape recording
of you not snoring?

Pierce, any idiot
can make snoring noises
into a tape recorder.

Charles!

Those flowers are only
gonna be blooming
for a little while.

When they're gone,
your allergy will be gone.

All we're asking is that
you go somewhere else for
a couple of nights,

and let us get some sleep!

Me? Let's talk you.
You're the ones with
the problem.

You go somewhere else!
I'd be more than happy
to suggest a place.

We live here.
We don't snore.

And we're not going
anywhere!

Probably the only three things
we will ever have in common.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
this conversation
is putting me to sleep.

HAWKEYE: Charles
Good night.

Ah.

(phone rings)

MASH 4077.

Uh, no, Sparky.
This is not "Fur Face."
It's Colonel Potter.

Come on, at ease.
Now, anything I can do for ya?

What does the Imperial Hotel
in Tokyo want with us?

All right.
Put him through.

Hello.
Yes, this is the 4077.

What can I do for ya?

Robert Wilson?
Yes, you can reach him here.

What do you mean, his wife
left a silk nightgown
in the hotel room?

What wife?

He registered
with Mrs. Wilson?

This Robert Wilson,
was he with the Rapahanak
Import Company?

I see.

No. Uh...

that won't be necessary.

I'm sure Mrs. Wilson
can get a new nightgown.

You know,
Evy and I took Stuart

to the horse show over in
Dry Fork last month.

Ever since then it seems like
the only word he knows is pony.

Is that so?

Yeah. I don't think
we're gonna have any peace
until we buy him one.

Evy says we should wait
until he's older,

but seems to me that
it's never too soon.

What do you think?
That's up to you.

I think it'd be good
for the whole family.

Lord knows Evy
could use the exercise.

Maybe she doesn't have time
to keep her girlish
figure anymore

because she's so busy
cooking your meals,
cleaning your house,

and taking care of
your child.

Hey, Dad, don't get me wrong.
She's terrific.

You're damn right she is.

Well, uh, it's gettin'
kind of late.

I'm gonna go wash up
for dinner. You coming?

No. I'm not all that hungry.
You go ahead.

Okay.

See ya later.
Okay.

(knocking)

Come in.

Excuse me, Padre.
I hope I'm not disturbing you.

Well, I was working
on Sunday's sermon.

But I could use a break.

I wanted to talk about, uh

about the personal
belongings inventory

of the wounded in postop.
Oh. I'm sorry.

I was planning to bring it by
first thing in the morning.

I didn't know
there was any rush.

Uhhuh.

Yeah.
That looks fine to me.

You sure do have
nice handwriting, Padre.

Well, thank you.

I'll certainly sleep better
knowing that.

Colonel, by any chance,

was there something else
you wanted to talk to me about?

Since you bring it up,
there is.

Uh, come Sunday morning,

it might not be a bad idea

if you put away
all that baloney about

the onelegged man and
the wheelbarrow,

and preach some good,
oldfashioned values.

You could start with
a refresher course on
the Ten Commandments.

Hmm. Something tells me
you have a particular favorite.

You bet I do.

Earlier today,
I found out that

while my soninlaw was
in Tokyo on business,

he had himself...

uh... a rendezvous.

With a woman.
No, with a plate of
turnip greens!

I'm sorry, Padre.
It's not your fault

my daughter married
a jackass.

This... rendezvous.

Uh, are you sure
it took place?

I got a call from
the Imperial Hotel in Tokyo.

They said Mrs. Wilson
had left her fancy silk
nightgown there.

Mrs. Wilson right now
is back home in Missouri

slaving over a hot stove,
cooking dinner for my grandson.

Oh, dear.

Who knows how long
this kind of thing
has been going on?

This is just one
I happened to catch.

I should have gone
with my first instinct.

This boy is
a twofaced scoundrel!

Where are you going?
To call Evy.

I'm not going to sit by
and watch her be made
a fool of.

Now, Colonel,
before you do anything
you might end up regretting,

why don't you just take
a moment to calm down
and think this over?

Perhaps you should talk
to your soninlaw about it.

Whose side are you on?
I thought adultery earned

an express ride
right downstairs.

Look, I'm not condoning
what he did.

But I've lived in a war zone
for a long time now,

and I've seen
the sixth commandment
take quite a beating.

It doesn't necessarily mean
the end of a good marriage.

We're not talking about
some lonely soldier

who's been stuck over here
for a year.

This is a traveling salesman
who's only been away
for one week!

And it's not some army wife
I never met.

It's my daughter!

(knocking)
Come in.

Good evening, uh, Fath
I I was just passing by,
saw the light on.

Uh, you busy?

Oh, that's all right, Major.
I'm on a break.

Oh. Very well.
I see. Uh

Well, Father, as you know,
I'm not a religious man.

However, something
has been bothering me.

And as there's nobody here
who'd be much better,

I've chosen to bring
the problem to you.

Oh. Thank you, Major.
Your confidence in me
is an inspiration.

Uh, well, what is it?

See, Father
(clears throat)

There is the slightest
possibility that I am not...

a true Winchester.

You mean you may be adopted?

Oh, my goodness. No, no.
Much worse than that.

Uh, I'm afraid there is
the possibility

slim though it be

that I...
(whimpers) snore.

Snore.

Oh. Good heavens, Major.

What... courage it took
to admit that.

Well, Father, I'm afraid
you don't understand.

See, all my life,
I have harbored
a secret dread

that I may not be worthy
of my name,

that I'm not good enough
to be a Winchester.

What if all this malarkey
is true,

that I do... snore

like a common
factory worker?

What if that's just
the tip of the iceberg?

What if there are
even more vulgar traits

lurking just underneath
the surface?

Today... snoring.

Tomorrow, sitting in front of
a TV with a cold brew

watching roller derby?

What if,
perish the thought,

I am actually the same
as everybody else?

I couldn't live with that.

Well, Major...

I certainly am glad
you've confided in me.

This shows me
a dimension of you

that I had never
fully appreciated.

Well, thank you, Father.

Speaking as one
whose ancestors

were factory workers,

and who likes roller derby
and a good brew,

do I understand you to say
that if you can't be
better than me

then there's no point
in living?

Well, now, don't take it
personally, Father.

Why should I take it
personally?

By the way, did I ever
tell you about the time

I was thrown out of
the seminary dorm for snoring?

Uh
The truth of the matter is

you're not superior to
any of us

whether you snore or not.
Shh!

And at times like this,
I'm not even sure you're equal.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have more important things

to worry about
than your snoring!

I didn't say I snored,
merely that I was
accused of it.

Major, your attitude
gives me the willies!

Well, this is certainly
the last time I ever
come to you

with a serious problem.

I'm still waiting
for the first time!

Thanks, operator.

Hello. That you, Evy?

It's your dad, honey.
How are ya?

No, no. I'm fine.

I just needed to talk to you
about something.

No. Bob's fine too.

He's Well,
he's asleep right now.

Well, he would have
been here with me,
but wouldn't you know it,

by the time the operator
finally got through,

he had turned in.

Just tuckered out
from all that travelin',
I suppose.

Evy, uh, I was wondering.
Is everything okay
with you and Bob?

Well, that's good.

Oh, it's just that
he was telling me about
some flap...

over a
a pony for Stuart.

Oh. Well, must have
misunderstood then.

But I just want you
to know that...

I think a pony's
a wonderful idea.

Wouldn't hurt you to get
some exercise too.

And tell Stuart
I have a saddle for him
when he gets bigger.

Yeah.
I'll be sure to tell him.

Yeah. He He really
misses both of you too.

Well, I'd better go.

What?

Oh, nothin', really.

Uh, just that...

I love you.

Yeah. That's all.

Give Stu a big hug for me.

Okay, honey. Byebye.

(snoring)

(snoring stops)

(snoring continues)

Eh Wh What?
Charles!

Oh, no, you don't.

I am sick and tired of
playing this game.

Once and for all,
I do not snore!

ALL: Oh, yes, you do!

We can hear you
all the way over in postop!

Actually, I'm impressed.
Even my schnoz
couldn't honk that loud.

You are giving our position
away to the enemy!

Now are you convinced?
Huh?

Gentlemen, the fact
that I am leaving

is in no way an indication

that I am dignifying
this stupidity
with a response,

but merely that I am
sick and tired

of being subjected
to your pubescent whims.

I don't care why you're leaving
as long as you're leaving!

Go suck a grenade!
Yeah! (laughs)

Major, have you tried
sleeping

One word about my stomach,
and you'll be busted,

first your rank,
then your knees.

And good night to you, sir.

(knocking)
Come in.

Morning.
How are ya, Pop?

Your jeep's outside.
Thought I'd see ya off.

Hey, thanks.
Well, guess I'm all set to go.

Bob, uh, can you spare
a moment to talk?

Oh, uh... sure. Uh

Sit down.

I got a little story
I think maybe you should hear.

It's something I've never
told anybody before.

Happened a long time ago.

I was just finishing up
my residency,

and I was about to start
my first job at the V.A.
in Springfield.

Mildred went ahead
to set up housekeeping,

and I stayed behind
in St. Louis.

One night, I was comin' off
a real late shift,

and there was this nurse
who had been workin' with me.

Well, we were both hungry,

and the thought of
having a little
something to eat together

certainly seemed harmless
enough at the time.

After that,
she suggested...

a nightcap at her place.

And, well...

things got a little
friendlier...

than they should have.

When I caught up
with Mildred,

I felt so bad...

I couldn't look her
in the face for a week.

She never let on
she suspected anything,
but...

somehow I always
felt maybe...

she sensed what had happened.

Took me a long time
to get over it.

And I decided
I never wanted to live with
that kind of guilt again.

There isn't much
that can make ya feel worse...

than betraying the love
of a good woman.

How'd you know?

That's not important.

The thing is, no matter
how well you keep a secret,

there'll always be
one person who knows.

You.

I never meant for it
to happen.

We met on the plane.
We had a couple of drinks
together and it

She started flirting with me,
and before I knew it...

Oh, hell, Pop.
I knew what I was doing.

I've been feeling like dirt
ever since.

Nothing like this
has ever happened before,

if that'll make you feel
any better.

How I feel about it
isn't what matters.

I really love Evy.
And I love Stuart.

And I would never do
anything to hurt them.

I never meant
to hurt you either.

I would give anything
if this hadn't happened.

Yeah, I know.

I'm surprised you didn't
tear me limb from limb.

Came this close.

But, well...

I realized there was
no sense in ruining
three people's lives...

over one slip up.

We all do things
we could kick ourselves for.

Thanks, Pop.

Here. I
I finally found this.

It's lovely.

You sure you still
want me to have it?

I'm sure.

I just hope you'll always be
in the picture.

Believe me, Pop,
I will.

(crickets chirping)

B.J.: Told ya you snored,
didn't we?

You didn't believe it.

Got ya on tape.

You didn't listen.

Eh. You just kept snoring,
keepin' us awake.

Have you tried sleeping
on your stomach?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ (theme)