M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 11, Episode 1 - Hey, Look Me Over - full transcript

♪♪♪ (theme)

(chatter)

Where are
the sphygmomanometers?

Maybe the nurses took them

when they bugged out
with the patients.

(humming)
Klinger, this is
the medicine box.

This is the notmedicine box.
Bandages are not medicine?

If you can't swallow it,
don't put it in here.

Is medicinal alcohol
medicine medicine

or notmedicine medicine?

Not! Not.



Every time the enemy

so much as sneezes
in our direction,

ICorps
evacuates the nurses

and leaves us
to do all the work.

Major, this ain't
dish night at the Bijou

for me, either. Grab that.

Well, as long as
the Chinese are on their way

why don't we just
leave this stuff sitting
out with a tag on it

that says "no starch"?
Fold.

When are we
leaving, Colonel?

I don't even know
if we are leaving.

I got space for a half
a box of notmedicine.

You put this in with this?

Can you swallow
either one of those?



Klinger, call ICorps.
Ask them if we're

getting our nurses back
in a day or so,

or are we going
to be joining them?

Yes, sir.

(helicopter approaching)

Oh...

Triage. Let's go.

(chatter)
These instruments are ready.

HAWKEYE: All right, put
some out at each table,

but don't touch anything
with your bare hands.

Hell of a way
to sterilize instruments

when we've got a perfectly
good autoclave.

As soon as
the nurses get back,

I want everyone
to take a crash course

on how to run that thing.

As soon
as the nurses get back,

we won't need to know how.

Watch it, Charles.

You're gonna get plaster
in this kid's wound.

Sorry.
I'd be happy to do this
in the plastering room,

where it is supposed
to be done.

I want all the patients
in here.

We don't have
anybody to watch them
while we operate.

Give me some suction.
Quick, Father.

Is he gonna make it?
I don't know.

There's hardly enough pieces
here to sew back together.

All I can hope to do
is buy him some time.

Dear God, if it's within
Thy divine will

grant Private Sandler
the chance
Retraction, quick!

Pull that back
while I sew it.

Sorry, Father.

That's all right.

He knows what I mean.

You couldn't cut through
a cup of tapioca with this.

Somebody sharpen
these damn scalpels

before they're sterilized.

I'll get on it, sir.

Rake retractor.
What's that?

A long thing with two
prongs and a hook on it.
Hurry up.

Long thing. Hook on it.
Two prongs...

Come on. Come on.

You want a can opener?

Get with it, will ya?
What do you want from me?

I'm not even
qualified to be a cook,

and they got me
doing this nurse stuff.

Okay, boys,
let's cool down.

Hell, World War II,

I once spent three weeks
in a field hospital

without a nurse in sight.

No reason we can't
last a few days.

You apply yourselves,

and you'll be amazed at what
we can do without 'em.

Sir, the Chinese
have pulled back.

The nurses
will be here tonight.

(cheering)

Thank God.

(horns honking)
(cheering)

Oh boy, am I glad
to see you.

Don't go away
like that again.
We missed you.

And we missed you.
And we had this great idea.

Who had a great idea?

Kellye.
Kellye had this great idea.

It's fantastic.
You're gonna love it.

You know those crummy
old records we've got
in the jukebox?

Do I? We hold the record
for old records.

Well, I traded 'em in at
the evac for brand new ones.

We've got Doris Day,
Frankie Laine, Johnny Ray...

Patti Page.
Patti Page.

And we're throwing ourselves
a welcome home party
at the Officers Club,

and you guys are invited

'cause we're sick
of dancin' with each other.

Listen. We've got jitterbug,
"cheek to cheek",

and, especially for Hawkeye,
six different Lindies!

Kellye, thank you.
God, you're in luck.
I do a great Lindy.

In fact, I taught Lindy
everything she knows.

Oh, great.

When we're through doing this,
maybe we can dance.

Hey, you guys, we're gonna
meet at the Officers Club

in half an hour.

Wonderful!

The day after tomorrow?

Well, why are you so
How could you do this to me?

Why are you so worried
about one little inspection?

I haven't been here
in five days.

Couldn't you have postponed it
until we got settled?

Well, that's the thing.
Colonel Bucholtz wants to see

how long it takes you
to get settled in
after a bugout.

Bucholtz. She tries
to lower your rating

if you can't tell
a sterile scalpel

from an unsterile one
by just looking at it.

Well, you better get on it
first thing in the morning.

I'd better get on it
right now.

Hold it. Hold it.

We got patients in postop,

and we have an inspection
the day after tomorrow.

I want the nurses
to meet me in the O.R.
in 10 minutes.

(chatter)

So sick and tired

(gasping, murmuring)

NURSE: How could they do
all this in just five days?

Get to work.

I'll be right back.

(knocking)

MARGARET: Cover yourself
up. I'm coming in.

Oh, good. You're in bed.

Get a good night's sleep.
Thank you.

Can I tuck you in,
read you a story,

get you a glass of hot milk?

No. I'm fine, thanks.

Everything okay with you?

The O. R. is in a shambles!

There are instruments
covered with plaster.

The door to the autoclave
is hanging on a hinge.

All the equipment
is mislabeled, mismatched,

or just plain missing.

Thanks to you doctors,

I'm going to get
thrown out of the army

because I don't know
where my own equipment is.

Now calm down, Margaret.

If we messed up a bit,
then it's only fair

that we help you
tidy it up again.

Now, me and the other
doctors will be there

tomorrow morning
at 8:30 sharp.

7:00.
7:00 is better.

Major, what is that
down there?

That is a floor,

which, astonishingly
enough, I am sweeping.

That plaster will not
come off with a broom.

It has to be scraped off
with a razor.

Winchesters
do not shave floors.

Do Winchesters
heal quickly?

(grunt)

Webster.
Hmm?

Track down everything
on this list

and put it
where it belongs.

Right, Major.

(yawns)
I think this thing
goes on there.

Then where does
this thing go?

Maybe that's
just sort of extra.

Wh

Does anyone know where
the vascular clamps are?

Yeah. They're in a box
of things you can't swallow.

Oh. It's gonna take me a long
time to learn this system.

Whoa, Hawkeye.
Can I read the label
on that box?

"Surgical stuff
and purple things"?

Oh, great.

♪ Unforgettable,
that's what you are ♪

What?
I can't help it.

Whenever I look at you,
I hear that song.

And by some
incredible coincidence,

that very song
is in the jukebox tonight.

Oh, great.
Hope we can hear it
from over here.

Well, I was kinda hoping
you'd be over there.

I have a cheek with
your cheek's name on it.

Yeah, well, we're never
gonna get out of here

until we put away
all the surgical stuff
and purple things.

Right.

♪ Hey, hey, good looking ♪

♪ What you got cooking? ♪

♪ How's about cooking
something up with me? ♪

I'm cooking hemostats.
Some moron broke the autoclave.

Whenever I look at you,
I hear that song.

And by some
incredible coincidence,
that very record

Tell me
after work, okay?

I have a cheek with
your cheek's name on it.

What am I doing wrong?

It's the songs. The songs.

They don't sound
sincere enough.

I don't know, I thought
they were kind of cute.

Maybe if I just said
something simple like...

"Listen, why don't you
and I dance the night away?"

That would work on me.

Okay. Great.
I'll try that.

I understand
you're the one

who broke the door
on the autoclave.

Why don't we just call
the autoclave club?

I don't have any time
for jokes. Just fix it.

I haven't got any time,
either. I gotta get home

and put my tux
under the mattress.

All right. Okay. Okay.
I'll make you a deal.

I fix the autoclave. I go.
Fine.

Fine. Fine. Very simple.

The hinge is bent.
That's all.
Takes three seconds.

One, two, three...

Oh, I don't believe this.

I lost an earring
in the bugout.

Here, take mine.

Thanks. Aren't you
going to wear them?

I'm not going tonight.
What are you talking about?

I'm tired.
I'm going to sleep.

What's the matter?
You feel kind of beat?

Yeah.
Sort of sick and tired.

(dog barking)

I need some volunteers.

Oh, Major, we kind of
thought we were finished.

There is an inch of dust
on top of the doors to the O. R.

On top of the doors?
That is the first place

Bucholtz will run
her white glove.

We were up all night.
So was I. So was I.

I don't push anybody harder
than I push myself.

Now, come on.
Who's going to do this?

I'll do it, Major.

Doors, window sills,

the supports under
the operating tables.

It's all there.

As soon as we're
through with this,

I am going to sleep.

I advise you all
to do the same

'cause I want you
on your toes tomorrow.

Come on. Let's go.

Are you still
working on that?

Oh, hi. Is Truman
still president?

You know what
you're doing wrong?

You're using
the wrong flange.

You gotta use the one
with the cam on it.

The wrong flange.

The flange with the cam
fits in the groove
with the tube.

The "cange" of the "flam"
in the groove of the tube.

(mutters)

You know, the trouble
with machinery

is that charm
doesn't work on it.

I'll do it.
You go to the Officers Club.

Kellye, you're terrific.

See ya over there.
Buy you a drink, okay?

Okay. Geez.

♪♪♪
(laughter, chatter)

Hi.
If you're not busy later,

I thought maybe you and I
could drag our feet together.

I'd love to, Captain.
But she asked me first.

A beer and a ratpoison
chaser, please.

♪♪♪ (big band)

So, uh, you wouldn't
wanna dance or anything?

Ooh, geez, that's bad.

Didn't take me
any time at all.

Huh?

The autoclave.
I fixed it in no time.

Oh, great.

Boy, I really admire you.

So, uh, listen.

You wouldn't want to
dance or anything?

Hey, yeah.
That's a great idea.
Yeah?

Whoo!

♪♪♪ (ends)

♪♪♪ (romantic)

So why don't I buy
you that drink now?

Yeah. Sure. Great.

What would you like?

I don't know.
I'm not a big drinker.

Something light,
I guess.

You want another
scotch on the rocks?
That'll be fine.

Well, where'd
you learn to Lindy?

Oh, I taught myself.
Oh.

Actually, I do the same
step to everything.

Oh, I love to dance.

I learned from my brother.
He's a great dancer.

We used
to practice all the time
in the backyard. (giggles)

We'd put the radio on
an extralong extension cord

and go out behind this
big fence

so his friends
wouldn't see him

dancing
with his little sister.

Is this how you keep
all your charts?

Oh, yes, Colonel.

I follow the manual
to the letter.

As a matter of fact,
we're very caref

I'd like to see
your emergency trays.

Right this way, Colonel.

Colonel,
I've inspected the O. R.

Did you inspect
the tops of the doors?

Uh, sorry, Colonel.
I forgot.

Then you're saying
you haven't inspected the O. R.

I guess not, Colonel.

Right this way, Colonel.

Is this how you always
keep your emergency trays?

Yes, Colonel.
As I was saying,

I follow the manual
as if it were my Bible.

Major, I can see
that everything is
according to manual.

Do you have some rule
that says you can't
do better than that?

She's really something,
huh?

You think we should
call the morgue

and see if a corpse
is missing?

Shh.
Oh, right.

There's an inspection
going on.

Try not to look so sick.

Maybe we should rearrange
the patients

so all their wounds
are lined up.

Quiet.
Oh, right. Yeah. Shh.

Colonel Bucholtz is
a real peach, isn't she?

Yeah, with steel wool
for fuzz.

What is this,
you only kid around

with guys with big feet
and cheesy mustaches?

Looks that way,
doesn't it?

What's the matter?
Is something wrong?

Not with me there isn't.

Could I see you
outside, please?

What's going on with you?
Does it matter?

Well, If you're upset
with me, I want to know why.

Because I don't think
I've done anything to you.

You can say that again.

Exactly what is your problem?

What's my problem?

All right. I'll tell you.
It's you, pal.

When you're with Lacey,
it's "Hey, good lookin'."

With Webster,
she's unforgettable.

And me you treat
like a rag mop.

Rag mop?
That's right.

RAGGMOPP. Ragg mopp.

What the hell
are you talking about?

I'm talking about how,

when the slow music comes on,

you suddenly need
a drink like you're afraid

you're gonna have to
put your arms around me.

And then when
I try to talk to you,

your eyes are on every nurse
in the room but me.

Look, is that
what this is about,

that I was a little
distracted last night?

It's not just last night.

You've been like that
ever since I got here,

And you weren't distracted.

You've been avoiding me
like I was Typhoid Mary.

Sorry. I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.

It's just that I never saw
you, you know, in that way.

You never saw me, period.
And why?

Just because I'm not 5'9"

and slinky
with long blond hair

and a perky little nose that
would fit in a bottle cap.

It's not that I don't think
you're a terrific person.

You haven't the faintest
idea how terrific I am.

For your information,
I happen to have

a fantastic sense of humor,
a bubbly personality,

and I am warm and sensitive
like you wouldn't believe.

I also sing
and play the guitar,

and I'm learning
to tapdance.

And on top of all that,
I happen to be cute as hell!

Just a minute, Lieutenant.
What is this racket?

I'm being
inspected in there.

So am I, in here.

You two are supposed
to be working together.

I'm being rated
on nursedoctor relationships,

and you're in here
screeching at each other
like two alley cats.

I'm sorry, Major.
You.

Paste a look of
cooperation on your face,

or I'll paste one on you.

Something wrong, Major?
No. Not at all.

They were just discussing
a medical procedure.

Weren't you, Doctor?
Oh, yes. Right.

Yes. Yes.
Thank you, Lieutenant.

That was an excellent idea.
I think you're right.

We should definitely
run a hemoglobin
on that patient.

Well, it was
just a thought, doctor.

And a darn good one too.

Would you two kids mind

not dripping syrup
on my patient?

All done, Colonel.

All right, Lieutenant.

The supply room is next.

This time, see if you
can do it in one trip.

Excuse us.

Right this way.

Show Lieutenant Geyer
to the supply room

and take notes
of anything he finds

that's substandard
and report back to me.

Everyone is working
on the late shift tonight.

There are a number of things
I want to work on in here.

Right, Major.

This way, Lieutenant.

I'll need to ask you
to open a few boxes for me.

I have to check to see
if the right pills
are in the right bottles.

I wouldn't be surprised

if she asked you to check
the cotton for lint.

(both laughing)

Margaret, do you know

what exactly
goes into green gravy?

What is wrong, Margaret?

Would you like me to dust
under my vegetables?

What?
You're staring at my tray.

I did everything I could
to make things perfect,

and she still wants more.

Eh, from where I sit,

perfection isn't all
it's cracked up to be.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Having spent the day
as a nurse, it seems to me

to be a fulltime job
just being good.

Are you telling me
I work my nurses too hard?

If he's not, I will.

I don't ask them to work
any harder than I do.

Bucholtz doesn't
ask you to work any
harder than she does.

Look how it
makes you feel.

Hunnicutt, the problem
is not with me.

It's Bucholtz.

Please, just let me
eat in peace.

LACEY: I mean, I know
we have to have inspections

once in a while,
but the tops of doors?

There's no pleasing Bucholtz.
She's never satisfied.

SHARI: That woman
is driving me nuts.

She's almost
as bad as Houlihan.

SHARI:
Yeah. That's for sure.

Sandler's blood pressure's
dropping.

He was in such bad shape
when he got here,

I'm surprised
he's lasted this long.

All we can do
is keep him on the IV

and just let him be
as comfortable as possible.

Okay.

(groans)

Where are you?
Shh.

It's okay.
I'm here.

Sarah?

Yeah.

It's... It's Sarah.

I'm I'm here.

Do you feel me
holding your hand?

MAN:
I'm scared.

Don't leave.

It's okay. I'm here.

I'm not going anywhere.

I feel awful.

Don't think about that.

Just think about
the good stuff

like all the things
we'll do when you
get better like, uh,

we could go for
a ride in the car.

We could have
a picnic maybe.

By the creek.

Sure.

We'll spread out
a blanket,

and we'll sit by the water

and I'll make us
something to eat.

Yeah.

I'll make fried chicken.

Oh, no.

No, not your fried chicken.
It's horrible.

I forgot you don't like it.

We'll make sandwiches.

Bologna with mustard
on white bread?

Sure. Sure.

Do you feel better?

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

I'm writing up
my report tonight,

and it'll be filed
in ICorps in the morning.

You should be
hearing something
in the next few days.

I hope you found us
satisfactory, Colonel.

You have my notes
on the supply room.
Yes.

If you want to
overhaul it tonight,

I'll reinspect it
in the morning.

Thank you, Colonel.
I'll think about that.

I like a good,
tough inspection.

Sharpens everybody up.

Well, I've certainly
learned a lot from this one.

Yes? Good. Then I'll
see you in the morning.

I get up at 0500.

Good night, Colonel.

Uh, Major?

I'm going over
to recatalog the equipment
in the supply room now.

Do you want me
to rearrange the shelving too?

I'll tell you
what I want you to do.

I want you to
take the night off
and get some rest.

You do?
Mmhmm.

And have some fun.
No kidding?

Thanks, Major.

Hi.
Well, look at you.

Sorry. She's not here.
Who?

Whoever you came to see.

I came to see you.

Is that so?

You were right.
I really wasn't seeing you.

Actually, you're everything
you said you were.

Well, thanks.
That's nice.

I brought these for you.

Oh, thank you.

Can I come in for a minute?

Well, gee.
Hmm.

I mean, unless
it's a problem.

Well, no. Hmm.

Hi.

Ah. Oh. Right.

Want your flowers back?
Uh, no, no, no.

You two kids have a good time.
Okay.

See you later.

What's the occasion?

Graduation day.
I just got an education.

Did you? So did I.

What was yours?

(laughter, chatter)

♪♪♪ (big band on jukebox)

What was yours?

Yeah, you're right.
It's none of my business.

Um...

How's your Lindy?

How's yours?
Perfect.

But I can take it
down a little.

♪♪♪ (continues)

♪♪♪

Two more beers. Hi.

You okay?
Fine.

This wouldn't,
by any chance,

be your rating from
Colonel Bucholtz, would it?

I really don't know,
and I couldn't care less.

Aren't you
going to open it?

If it's such a big deal
to you, you open it.

You don't even
have to tell me.

I failed.

Well, I did
everything I could.

I'd do the same thing
all over again.

There's no reason
to put myself

and everybody else
through hell

to satisfy
some crazy notion

that good
is never good enough.

So you can just put it away.
I know what it says.

What does it say?

You and your nurses

were found to be
satisfactory.

Satisfactory?
That good enough?

You bet your life
that's good enough.

I would have
killed myself for her,

and she wouldn't have
given me a better rating.

This way, I did my best,

I passed, and I get
to live to enjoy it.

Good for you, Margaret.

Good for you.
Thanks, B. J.

♪♪♪ (romantic)

Bottoms up.

Later. I paid
a nickel for this song.

(Kellye laughing)

Well, she threw

♪♪♪ (theme)