M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 10, Episode 3 - Rumor at the Top - full transcript

♪♪♪ (theme)

Lastly, we're runnin' low
on surgical gowns.

Get three cartons.

Those gowns are
as good as got, sir.

How about matching pumps?
(phone rings)

You wanna answer that,
Corporal Dior?

House of Potter. Uhoh.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Just a minute, sir.

General Torgeson at
Logistics and Support, sir.

Torgy Porgy. Shows ya.

No matter how overcast a day,



there's always room
for one more black cloud.

Torgy! Long time no hear.

Sure. What's on your mind?

Uhhuh. Our tent flap is
always open to you G4 guys.

(chuckles) You too, Torgy.
Best to your latest missus.

Didn't I tell you four
would be your lucky number?

Oh.

Well, five is
a good number too.

(clears throat)
Visitors, huh?

You want me to sweep
the dust under the dirt
in the VIP Tent?

I guess you better.

Torgy is sending up
a Major Nathaniel Burnham

to eyeball us
for a couple of days.

What's Logistics and Support
nosin' around here for?



Oh, I'm sure
Torgy's just bored.

Whenever there's a lull
in his paperwork,

he sends someone out
on a loosethread patrol.

Then he tugs
and hopes I'll unravel.

Why?

He and I came out
of the cavalry together

then we both went
into med school.

Four years later
I was a doctor...

(chuckles) and he was
just four years older.

(chuckles) He washed out, huh?
With bleach.

His I. Q. is lower
than his boot size.

But the army had
enough savvy to put him

in a job where
he couldn't do any harm.

Made him a general,
Medical Administration.

Well, as my uncle Amos
used to say,

those who can't
manage those who can.

One of his employees
made that up for him.

This manager's telling you
to give that talker

a tickle and requisition
those supplies.

Yes, boss.

How do, H.Q.?
4077, Klinger here.

We need surgical gowns.

What do you mean, no?

Our doctors have operations
to go to and nothing to wear.

Of course this is
an emergency.

In case you haven't heard,

President Truman
has declared

this whole emergency
an emergency.

Yeah, I suppose we got
enough to last us for a week.

What's the holdup?

Classified?

So, this threestar
at G4 is sending

Burnham here just to observe.

When are they gonna
declare this war

offlimits to sightseers?

The colonel says there's
nothing to worry about.

He gets this kind of stuff

from General Torgeson
all the time.

General Edwin Torgeson?

You know Torgy Porgy?

We're old pen pals.

His signature is on the orders
that sent me to this place.

He's a MASHmaker.

Another shower
for my olives.

Just a minute, Captain.

Are you saying
General Torgeson is in charge

of putting new MASH
units together?

Exactly. He's built
them all from his
own blackandblueprints.

(groans)
This is terrible.

I'm sorry. Next time
I'll order a Manhattan.

No, you don't understand.

H.Q. has placed
a temporary freeze

on all medical supplies
and they're not saying why.

I said, "Sounds like you
got enough stuff there

to start another MASH unit."

Well, they do,
and they're gonna!

I hope not. Too many of these
can run down a neighborhood.

Captain, this ain't funny.

It means they're
gonna split up the 4077.

They're gonna take
the best people from here
to form the new MASH.

Klinger, don't let your
imagination run away with me.

Oh, sure, what do you care?
You're only a doctor.

It's guys like me
they're gonna grab first.

Lebanese corporals?

I may be a mere corporal
to you, but to the army,

I am an indispensable
fivestar scrounge.

And if that's not bad enough,

Colonel Potter gave me
a good efficiency report

for this month.
What a rotten trick!

Klinger, calm down.
This is all in your head,

which doesn't put it
in the best of company.

I'm glad you find my agony
so amusing,

but I wouldn't last a day
with an unreasonable C. O.

Who treats clerks like clerks.

Do me a favor. Keep these
silly rumors to yourself.

Somebody's liable
to take this seriously.

I'm telling you, Beej.
This is serious.

It means they're
forming a whole new MASH.

Since when do you
put your faith

in the gospel
according to Max Klinger?

I told Klinger he was wrong,

because if he knew
how right he was,

he'd have this
whole place in a panic.

So what do we do?

For starters, you can
give me some more soap.

You know what this means?
Soap.

Means they're gonna be
trying to seed this new MASH

with the best of the best.

That means
I'll be chief surgeon.

Oh, ho ho.
Wrong on two counts.

First of all, there isn't
going to be any new unit.

Secondly, even if there was,

what makes you think
you'd be chief surgeon?

Well, I'm chief surgeon here.

Hawk, sometimes you've got
a head as big as all outdoors.

Did it ever occur to you
that you're chief surgeon here

only because you
got here first?

Maybe they put me here first
because I'm the best.

(laughs)

Let me try
this one out on you.

If they made you chief
surgeon at the new unit,

that'd make me
chief surgeon here.

Now, wouldn't it be simpler
if they just made me

chief surgeon
at the new unit?

What difference does it make
who's chief surgeon what where?

Because I'm just as capable
of being chief whatever
wherever as you are.

Either way, they're
gonna separate us,

and you're my best friend.

I never got along this well
with anybody, you moron!

Well, that goes
double for me, stupid!

So what are we gonna do?

They're gonna take
somebody from here.

And it's gonna be one of us.

Unless...

♪♪♪ (humming)
As long as you
have to be here,

you might as well be
where you can do some good.

Hey, I didn't say
I was gonna do it.

Just let me dream, will ya?

You gotta admit
it's a tantalizing thought.

True. But sitting around
in a plush office,

prescribing hangover
remedies for generals

and their wives is
a waste of talent.

Gentlemen, am I to infer
from your conversation

that you are contemplating
a change of venue
from these trials?

Nah. We heard there's a major
going from unit to unit

trying to find a personal
surgeon for General Torgeson.

It's probably just a rumor.

Now that you mention it,

there is a Major Burnham
due to arrive tomorrow.

Burnham. Is that
the name we heard?

Burnham? Yeah, Burnham.
Yeah, that could be it.

Did I understand you
to say you are not

going to throw
your stethoscopes
into the ring?

Nah, Charles. I've had offers
like this before.

That kind of society
doctoring is not for me.

Me, neither.
I couldn't live with myself.

And there are a lot
of soldiers around here

who couldn't live
without myself.

You are both men of principle
and justifiably so.

You certainly wouldn't want
to join the mob of people

who will no doubt be
sucking up to Major
Burnham, now would you?

There's not exactly a mob.
It's a secret mission.

Everybody thinks he's here
on a factfinding tour.

Nobody knows
to suck up to him.
Almost nobody.

(no audible dialogue)

Torgy Porgy?
(laughs)

I take it, then,
you do know him?

Oh, we've

Yes, we've met, once,
iin a meeting.

What, uh... What were
your impressions of him?

He's very athletic.
I mean, he loves boxing.

Boxing. How apropos.

A fighting man who likes...
fighting.

Do you happen to remember
where he's from?

Montana, I think.

Ah, yes. Montana.
Big Sky country.

Why are you so interested
in General Torgeson?

I thought it would be nice to
gather information about him.

After all, his aide is
coming here tomorrow.

General Torgeson is

is sending somebody here?
Yes.

Tell me more
about, uh, Montana.

Does it have a city?

Charles, I can't talk
to you now. I'm very busy.

I have to prepare
my duty roster.

A new MASH? How wonderful.

It'll relieve
some of the terrible
strain on our doctors.

Wonderful? Oh, Father,

why do you always see
the good side of things?

This is awful.
Why?

Why? If you're gonna
start up a MASH unit,

the first thing you need
is a commanding officer.

Wasn't Colonel Blake already
here when we were assigned?

Yes, you're right,
God rest his soul.

But what makes you so certain
they'll take the colonel?

General Torgeson
and the colonel go way back.

He knows how good
Colonel Potter is.

And once this Burnham sees
our unit running so smoothly,

it's byebye the sweetest man
who ever lived

and hello whoknowswho.

Not a very rosy prospect.

But But it seems to me
it's out of our hands.

Oh, Father, stop seeing
the bad side of things.

We're gonna have to find a way
to convince this Burnham

that Colonel Potter is
the wrong man for the job.

I'm afraid I find it
very difficult to lie.

I'd have to confess to myself,
and I can be very harsh.

Don't worry about that.
I'll take care of the lying.

Your job is to keep
Colonel Potter away
from Major Burnham.

Are you asking me to be an
accessory to a fabrication?

Yes.

I guess I can
live with that.

The most important thing

is not to let anyone know
what's going on.

You know how rumors get blown
up all out of proportion.

Excuse me. I'm looking
for Colonel Potter.

You're excused.
You've found him.

Ah. Might I
venture a guess

that you're Major Burnham?
Sir.

So tell me, how is Torgy?

Ornery as ever.

Oh, yeah?
(chuckles)

You should have known him

when he was still
married to Edna.

And they called WWII
the big war.

(both laughing)

Oh, Colonel. You're awake.
Huh?

You must be Major Burnham.

I'm Major Houlihan.
Major.

This is Father Mulcahy.
Father.

We've got the VIP tent
all gussied up for you.

Uh, if it's all right
with you, Colonel,

I'd rather bunk
with your surgeons.

I find it's easier to observe

when there are other
people around.

Darn good observation.

Come on. I'll personally

Oh, Colonel, wait.
You can't go.

I have to talk to you.

I'll be back in two shakes.

Uh, I don't
think this can wait.

Oh, don't worry, Colonel.
I'll escort the major.

Thank you. Colonel.

Now then, Padre, you've
got some sort of burr
in your saddle blanket?

Not exactly the metaphor
I would have chosen,

but, uh, I do have
something on my mind.

You see, I have...
been paid a great honor

by the Philadelphia
archdiocese.

Ah. "Hometown padre
makes good" kind of thing?

It's more like being enshrined
in a priests' Hall of Fame.

They want to hang my
portrait along their...

Ecclesiastical Esplanade.

Well, congrats.
Sounds almighty impressive.

Yes, it is a bit overwhelming.

And I want you to paint
the official portrait.

I'd be honored.
I'll get to it next week.

Oh, no, sir.
No, it can't wait.

Uh, this must be
done with godspeed.

Now, here's how I see it:

me with, uh, clouds
in the background

and heavenly light
streaming down from above.

You want me to fix it so you
wink when folks walk by?

...and as somebody who
has known Colonel Potter

since the day he got here,

I can tell you
he's a wonderful man.

Yes, I know.
He certainly has an
excellent reputation.

Sharp as a tack.

And you caught him
at the perfect time,

just after his morning nap.

Well, Colonel Potter isn't
exactly a youngster anymore.

Ah, right. Not like
some of those young officers,

always coming up
with innovations,
always changing things.

He's a little
oldfashioned, huh?

Absolutely not.
He's cautious, thorough.

When he makes a decision,
you can trust it.

Why only last month he
gave us the goahead

to fight infection
with penicillin.

Slimslam alabam.

Blessings,
Major and Majorette.

What is this?
A thousand pardons.

In my religion, this is
the month of the sacred bull.

I wish to invite you

to my midnight prayer
service in the minefields.

Is this man on our side?

Corporal Klinger, Maxwell Q.

U.S. 19571782.

It's all right here, sahib.

Klinger,
get out of our way.

That's an order!

Think about it, Majors.

The minefield service is
an uplifting experience.

Klinger!
May your life be
free of snakes.

Shboom be with you.

This way.
What's with him?

Oh, don't pay any attention.

He's just a nut trying
to get out of the army.

Colonel Potter permits
this sort of thing?

Well, only since
Klinger converted him.

And if you hear
rumors of senility,

don't pay any
attention to them.

No, we haven't heard
anything about that
down in Seoul.

Of course you haven't,
because they're 90% not true.

This bunk is yours.
Thank you, Major.

Oh, and if you have
any further questions,

I'm sure Colonel Potter
will be happy to answer them.

He's very alert
after his afternoon nap.

How often does he nap?

Oh, whenever he remembers.

(dog barking)

I got it.
Here, boy. Here, boy.

Get him. Get him.

That's a good boy.
We're okay.

Ah, you must be Major Burnham.
I'm Hunnicutt.

B.J. Hunnicutt.

Captain Pierce and our top dog.

This mean
you're bunking with us?

I thought it'd be
an interesting experience.

I understand you fellas
are terrific doctors

who don't exactly
go by the book.

What do you mean?
Sure we do.

Only our book has
pictures of naked people
playing volleyball.

Oh, and here is someone
who needs no introduction.

Major Charles Emerson
Winchester, Major Burnham.

Ah, Major Burnham.
This is indeed a pleasure.

Well, now that you two have
met, uh, we have to be off.

We're taking our dog
to dinner.

Taking our... dog...

Do that.
Dinner.

I hope you don't mind.
Colonel Potter said

it'd be all right if I
bunked with you surgeons.

Well, aactually surgery
is my subspecialty.

My real forte is diseases of
the agedbutnotyetretired.

So who do you like in
the next SaddlerPep bout?

You're talking
about boxing, right?

Ah, it's in my blood.

Yes, sir, they're two
of the finest featherweights

who ever laced on gloves.

Think it'll be a K. O.,

or will they
go the distance there?

You know, General Torgeson's
a big boxing fan.

No kidding?
Talks about it all the time.

Me too. Graziano,
Schmeling, Louis.

All like gods to me.

The general drives me nuts
with that fight junk.

Of course
there's more to life

than just the squared
circle, you know,

like sitting
around a campfire

just outside beautiful Butte,

eating... beans

after a hard day
of sheep ranching.

(clicks tongue, whistles)

I've never done that.
I'm from Detroit.

You know, I've always hankered
to ride the range in a Buick.

So tell me,

what do you think is
is the key to the 4077?

Turnover.

As fine a place as this is,

it's, uh,
it's time to move on,

discover new vistas.

I think my surgical skills
would take a giant leap

if I were to find
a new locale.

What about
Pierce and Hunnicutt?

They've been here even longer.

Anybody needs a change,
they do.

That's very interesting.

I have always
Excuse me, gentlemen.

I was supposed to meet Colonel
Potter here for dinner.

Have you seen him?
No, I haven't.

Oh, then he must be
eating on Sophie.

Oh, that's his horse.

He loves to spend
as many hours

in the saddle as he can.

It's a habit
from his old cavalry days.

He's been doing it
since, oh, 1918.

I'd better go check.

He loves an
afterdinner nap,

and sometimes he falls off.

Your colonel seems to have
some rather strange habits.

Well, I don't think there's
anything too unusual about him.

She's a might peculiar,
though.

Enough of this idle chitchat.
As I was saying

Stop this!

Stop this eating at once!

It is written in
the sacred testaments

of our forefathers
and foremothers

that on the fourth day
of the new moon

we shall abstain from
all our worldly pleasures.

(gasps)
Spam!

It is the devil's work!

(plate clatters)

Praise our holy leader.
Shboom.

Now then, I'm sure
General Torgeson would agree

that I have been
at the fair too long.

Let me elucidate.
You see

This looks delicious!
Oh.

B.J.: Don't you just
love it

when it's rare this way?
Oh, yeah.

Isn't that the collar
that was on the... dog?

Yeah. Pass the pepper,
will ya?

There you go. Sure.

How can you?
Are you kiddin' me?

In Korea,
dog's a delicacy.

When in Rome...
Here, you want some?

Mmm...
Oh, smell this.
Just smell it.

Mmm.
Isn't that great?

Oh! (groans)

Padre, I'm comin' down with
a case of Rembrandt's elbow.

What say we knock off
for now and toss down

a few toddies at the "O" Club?

No! I mean,

well, I'm sorry to be
such a harsh taskmaster,

but they need this
painting pretty R. Q. S.

Huh?
That's Latin for P. D. Q.

(muttering)

(groans)

...7, 38...

Major, another drink?
Thank you, I'm fine.

Then how 'bout a little
leftover bowwow chow?

Captain, please...

We put it in a doggie bag.

Docs, a patient
just came in.

He's in real bad shape.
They need you in preop.

Aw.
Oh, for crying out loud!

No, this is what
I've been waiting for.

Do you mind if I tag along?

Ah, you might as well.

Don't you hate it
when they come

right in the middle
of happy hour?

Ah.

Uhoh. That looks
pretty bad, Hawk.

I'm afraid we're gonna
have to resect.

Resect? Aw, geez.

That takes forever.
I got a date tonight.

You can't walk out on
an operation because
of a lousy date.

It's with Gwen.

Well, goody for you.
You expect me to do
this myself?

All right, all right,
all right.

We'll pack him off for now.

We'll finish him in
the morning.

Igor, get him into O. R.
Right.

Ah, what the hell.
I got laundry to do anyway.

HAWKEYE: Scrub, scrub, scrub.
That's all we ever do.

I've never understood
why washing your hands
is so important

when the minute you're
finished, you cover
'em up with gloves.

Yeah. I mean,
what is that?

It's too late, Captains.
We've lost him.

The patient is dead?

No. We just don't
know where he is.

How could you lose a patient
between preop and O. R.?

We tried a shortcut.

I just can't work
with these people.

What are you doing?
I'm going back to our tent.

But there's a wounded
man around here someplace.

You gotta find him,
get him into O. R.!

Sorry, we're in medicine,
not transportation.

You're gonna get in a lot
of trouble for this, Pierce.

Uhuh! Until he hits
the operating table,

we're not responsible.

Igor, this is on your head!

You go look for him.
If you find him, let me know.

I'll be in the laundry room.
I'll be incommunicado.

That does it!
What's the matter?

What's the matter?

I always heard this unit
was a little strange,

but at least when it
came to medicine,

you were supposed to be
thorough professionals.

I'm chief surgeon here.

Are you tryin' to tell me
I don't know my job?

Where's your compassion,
your humanity?

What happened to
the Hippocratic oath?

Oh, ho, ho, ho.
You get him?
Oh.

I'll bet he's one of those
guys that's seen all
the Dr. Kildare movies.

Look, Burnham, this is not some
antiseptic stateside hospital.

This is war.
This is hell.

It stinks. It's filthy.

Can I borrow your
cologne tonight?
Mmhmm.

Trade you for a
couple of clothespins.

I got a couple
of clothespins.

♪ Got a date
with an angel ♪

(humming)

Greens, greens...
(humming)

Greens.
Rest assured

General Torgeson's gonna
hear about all of this

the minute I get back.
You're leaving now?

Yes, I am!
Oh. Wait... Wait a minute.

(exhales)
These are yours. Thanks.

If you'd like, I'll wash 'em
and send 'em down to you.

(cackles)

MAN (on P. A.):
Attention, all personnel.

Incoming wounded.

Drop your flasks
and grab your masks.

(chattering)

(vehicle approaching)

Sorry, Major. You have
to move your jeep.

We have to use
this area for triage.

Okay.
Come on!

Hey, didn't I just see y

Several clamps
handy, please.

Sponges, please.

HAWKEYE: Give me
some more retraction

and pack it down
with lap sponges.

B.J.: Give me suction
in the pericardium.

Boy, just when you think
everything's going your way,

the war drops in
without knocking.

Hey, we can hold our heads
high. We gave it our worst.

CHARLES: If you'd care
to step over here, Major.

This very difficult
diagnosis.

The patient's wounds
are not at all

what they first appear to be.

Seems to be a lot of
that going around.

Kocher clamp.
Play your cards right,

you could be head nurse
at a new MASH unit.

The chief surgeon and I
are on a samename basis.

POTTER: Let's get this
bleeding stopped pronto.

Klinger! Another unit.

Way ahead of you, sir.
I already got it.

The old man really runs
a tight ship, doesn't he?

Long as he has a week
to rest up,

he's great
one day in a row.

But you don't understand.

Burnham saw how perfect
I was in there.

Maybe I could plead
temporary sanity.

Oh, Klinger. You're crazy.

They don't want you
for a new MASH.
They want the colonel.

Take him, leave him.
What's the difference?

Without the colonel, I'm just
another religious fanatic.

Let me say this one last time
right before I say goodbye.

It's me who'll be going.
They need a chief surgeon.

Unless they want
the best surgeon,

in which case
it's me who's going.

Your humility is just
one of the things

I'm gonna miss about you.

Who cares? The point is
they're breaking us up

and we'll never be
the same again.

Yeah.
Uh...

I just told Colonel Potter
and Major Winchester,

and I want to
tell the rest of you.

You're terrific.
You can all be
proud of yourselves.

Oh, go suck a combat boot.
Margaret!

Took the boot right
out of my mouth.
That's tellin' him.

I'm not going anywhere,
and neither is he, sir.

I admire your loyalty, son.

Now if I just knew what you
were talking about.

Excuse me, Colonel.
I think some of your people

may have misconstrued
what I'm doing here.

Maybe I'd better explain.
Yes, Major. Please do.

Plain and simply,
we're forming a new MASH.

(stammering) MASH?

To serve our needs
closer to the front.

(whimpers)

We'd always heard
this organization

marched to a
different drummer.

Well, I suppose you
gotta be crackers

not to go nuts in a
pressure cooker like this.

We had all the suspense
we need in O. R.

Why don't you drop the other
shoe and get it over with?

The other shoe?
The one you're gonna use

to kick somebody out of here
into the new MASH.

What? You're crazier
than I thought.

We'd never split up the 4077.

It's hard enough in this army
to find something that works.

Once you do,
you don't mess with it.

Pulling somebody outta here

would be like
breaking up the Yankees.

Shboom be praised!

Now you see? Let this
be a lesson to you.

Never believe idle gossip.

Especially when it comes
from an idle gossip.

I was only here observing
how this organization

runs so we could copy it,
not rip it apart.

Well, that certainly will be
a comfort to my disciples.

Colonel, aren't you
relieved to find out

the real reason
he was here?

Hell, I knew it all along,
but I wasn't about

to let you folks
in on it.

First thing you know,

you'd
all go off halfcocked

and act like a bunch
of jackasses.

(all protesting)
Oh, sir.

I'm surprised at you.

(chattering)
Come on.

Let's see it, Colonel.
Defrock the painting.

Okay, okay.

You're all familiar
with Whistler's Mother.

Now say how do
to Potter's Father.

Oh, that's great.
Look, Leo.

Oh, holy mackerel.
That's really something.

Father, this should be on
a stainedglass window.

Or a stamp.

Can't even see where
the little numbers were.

Will you yahoos
can the comments?

Now tell me the truth, Padre.

You think this'll make it
in the Holy Walk of Fame?

Oh, it it won't be
going to Philadelphia.

Oh.

The Archdiocese decided

an esplanade would
be a bit too showy,

so they're going with
walletsized photos
on a bulletin board.

I understand
perfectly, Padre.

Being a pinup ain't
proper for a priest.

Actually it's all
for the better, Colonel,

because you worked
so hard on it,

II'd like you to keep it.

Why thank you, Padre.

I'm gonna put it right here.

And with you always
keepin' an eye on me,

I'll have to stay
on the straight and narrow.

(chuckles)

I find your trust
in me very moving.

I can't deceive
you any longer.

There's something
I must confess.

Oh!
What is it, Padre?

Uh, II think it would
look better...

over there.

♪♪♪ (theme)