M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 10, Episode 19 - Sons and Bowlers - full transcript

♪♪♪ (theme)

♪ If the Army and the Navy ♪

♪ Ever look
on heaven's scenes ♪

♪ They will find
the streets are guarded ♪

♪ By United States Marines ♪

(cheering)

Damn! Football, basketball
and now softball.

Those gyrenes whip
our fannies every time.

Colonel, nobody wants
to win more than I do,

but don't get yourself upset.

‐It's only a game.
‐You cost us the game!



It's that skylark
attitude of yours

that got you thrown out
at home plate!

‐(stammers)
‐Colonel, we lost 24‐4.

‐She killed a rally!
‐Murderer.

Bartender, charge another
round to Potter's wimps.

(all laughing)

"Wimps," huh?

Oh, I'd give
a year's retirement pay

to find one thing

we could whup those
weenies at.

They're just lucky

there aren't any bowling
alleys around here.

I'd show them
a strike or two.

Bowling, huh?
Wait a minute.



I roll a pretty mean
hook myself.

Colonel, I'm pretty
good at‐‐

Not now, Margaret!
I'm recruiting.

‐Pierce?
‐I don't bowl.

Although I once
had a perfect score
on Lovers' Lane.

‐Ha!
‐Hunnicutt?

I had third‐highest average
in my league,

but that was a while ago.

Bowling's like riding
a bicycle: You never forget.

Okay. We got ourselves
three quarters of a team.

Shouldn't be a problem finding
one more in this whole camp.

‐What about me?
‐No, I'll look for him.

Pitts, we found a game
that we are gonna beat you at.

Oh, yeah? What is it,
jacks or tiddlywinks?

‐(laughing)
‐Bowling.

Bowling?

What are you gonna use
for an alley, the minefield?

I'll
handle the alley part.

You just have your
four best bowlers here

a week from today.

Now, are we on,
or are you...

(clucking)

We're on.

Oh, and one more thing, Sparky.

Would you check on that
shipment of methylene blue?

Major Winchester's
still waiting for it.

Thanks a lot, Sparky.
So long.

Was that "Thank you, Sparky"
for the bowling alley?

Uh, no, sir.
Just for some medicine.

Damn! You're letting me down.

Sir, after six
days on this phone,

I can safely say there's
no bowling alley to be had.

Captain. Permission to send
the balls and pins back, sir?

Permission denied!

What kind of a country
is it

that doesn't have
a bowling alley?

What do these people
do on Saturday night?

Sir, isn't it time
to give up on the tournament?

The hell it is!

Is there anything
I can do for you, sir?

Huh? No, no. I just
want to finish this.

Okay, sure.

(door opens)

(door closes)

Uh, hello. Is this, uh...
Is this Sparky?

Yeah. This is Captain Pierce
at the 4077th.

Can you help me?
I need to...

I need to place
an overseas call.

Yeah, it's important.

Hot damn!

Well, what do you think
of your old C. O. now?

I got to hand it to you, sir.
It really works.

You know it.

Anything that hits either
bench is a gutter ball.

We'll kick
those Marines' butts

way back to the Halls
of Montezuma.

Goldman, I want 12 coats of
wax on this before morning.

Yes, sir, Colonel.

You can wax all
you want, sir,

but that's not gonna get
us our fourth bowler.

So far, it's still only you,
me and Captain Hunnicutt.

Everyone else in the camp

is sick of getting creamed
by those Marines.

Klinger, we're desperate.
Just get a fourth body.

Any body will do.

Colonel, if you're still
looking for a bowler,

I'm available.

Not a chance.

No! No, no, no, no.
Not Portland, Oregon.

There's... Yeah, yeah.
There's one in Maine, too.

‐Pierce.
‐Okay, yeah,
I'll wait. I'll wait.

Shh, shh.

Charles, if you don't mind,
this is private.

Well, then, shh.

Yeah, well, see,
this is an emergency.

My father's‐‐ My father's
having an operation.

I said my father's
having an operation.

I‐‐ Why not? What‐‐

What... I don't understand.
What do you mean,

you can't call Portland
from Guam?

You're routing me
through where?

‐Mars?
‐Military Affairs'
Radio Station.

Oh. Charles, I don't want

anyone else in this camp
to know about this.

Yes, all right! Fine!
I'll wait, I'll wait.

Yeah, yeah.

What's he going in for?

He didn't say.

Well, when does he go in?

Today. And thanks to the
U. S. Army postal system,

which studied under
the U. S. Army phone system,

the letter he sent me
over two weeks ago
just got here.

Damn it!
I wish I knew what it was.

Well, is there
anything I can do?

Charles, one of the things

I've always liked
about our relationship is

we never let sympathy
get in the way.

‐Ah.
‐Yes! Yes, I can hear you.

Yes. Can you hear me?

Wha... I‐‐ I'm supposed
to say "over"?

No! Wait a minute! That
wasn't an official "over."

Padre,
you're lofting the ball.

Where'd you learn to bowl,
in a nunnery?

Colonel,
your tone offends me,

especially
since I didn't want

to be on this team
in the first place.

You came in here
for tryouts.

I came in for cocoa.

All ready for practice, Coach.

A goofy smile
isn't gonna win us

this bowling
tournament, Hunnicutt.

Now I want you
to show the padre

how to set the ball down
without lofting it.

Oh, sure. No problem.
Watch this, Padre.

No loft.

Hunnicutt, you bowl
like a grade‐school kid.

I thought you told me you
placed third in your league.

It was a grade school league.

I wanted Pitts so bad.

Colonel, gotta talk to you.

You practice. You pray!

I picked up some
scam at Rosie's.

Guess who's bowling
for the gyrenes.

‐Marty Urbancic.
‐Urbancic. Urbancic?

The Trenton Tornado.

Before the service,
he placed third

in the U. S. Open
Bowling Championships.

Pitts
has pulled some strings

to get him transferred
into his unit.

A professional.
That's disgusting.

How low can you get?

Do we know any?

HAWKEYE:
Yes, I'm still waiting. Over.

And over and over and over.

Uh, Pierce, I'm gonna
take a little break,

go get some coffee.
Do you want some?

No, thank you.
Yeah, Portland General?

I'm‐‐ I'm trying
to reach my father,
Daniel Pierce.

‐Over. I got the hospital.
‐Splendid.

She's ringing the room.

Hello?

Hel‐Hello? Who...
Wait. Who's this?

No, no, no, no, no.
I can't clear the line. I'm‐‐

Now, come on, operator.

Just give me a minute,
will you? The‐‐

Yeah, well, can't
the general wait?

My father's gonna
be on in a‐‐

Hello?
Hello?

Damn!

‐Colonel, you wanted to see me?
‐You bet.

Padre, pick up
the spare for me.

Lord knows you
could use the practice.

Enough, Colonel.

I'm developing a rather
ugly blister on my thumb.

Padre, nobody said
war is fun. Now bowl.

Let's go over here...
where we can talk man to Major.

Margaret, I've decided you
can be of some help

to the team after all.

Oh, Colonel, just put one
of those balls in my hand,

and you won't regret it.

Not exactly
what I had in mind.

‐(ball, pins clattering)
‐You're lofting again!

In a couple of hours,

the Marines are gonna
be here for practice.

They've gotten themselves
a ringer, a pro.

Now, if you really care about
the 4077th, you'll see to it

that by the time a certain
Sergeant Urbancic

walks into
this alley tomorrow

he'll be a shadow
of his former self.

Are you suggesting that I
allow some leatherneck

to land on the shores
of Margaret Houlihan?

‐Margaret, how could you
even think such a thing?
‐How can you even‐‐

What is the
matter with you?

I'm just suggesting
that you use

your vast repertoire
of womanly charms

to occupy him with an
evening of boilermakers

and getting his
hopes up.

Colonel, they may have
a pro, but you don't!

I should have offered
her a promotion.

"Tests and possible surgery."

This letter has "cancer"
written all over it.

(phone rings)

4077 MASH.

Yes, this is Captain Pierce.
Who's this?

That's great! That's great!
Thank you, thank you.

Ham operator in Portland.

He picked up my call,
and he's ringing
the hospital now.

Hello? This is Captain Pierce
calling from Korea.

Please, don't cut me off.

I understand that my father,
Dr. Daniel Pierce,

is in for an operation,

and I'd like to speak
to him, please.

Over. They're putting
me through.

Okay.

Hello, Dad? Over.

Oh. Who‐Who's...
Who's this? Over.

Whe‐When did he go in?
Over.

Yeah, all right. Look.

I'm his‐‐ I'm his son,
and I'm a physician.

What can you tell me
about his condition? Over.

Yeah. I see.
Thank you, nurse.

Out.

Operator, I'd like
to place this call again

in about an hour or two. Thank
you.

They did an I. V. P.,

and they found a mass
pushing on his kidney.

Oh.
(sighs)

And then when they
opened him up,

they found a
pheochromocytoma.

All right. That's‐‐
That's delicate.

But if they're careful,
they should be able

to get it out
without any trouble.

And if they make a mistake,
it could kill him.

Here's to Marty Urbancic,
the Trenton Tornado.

Knocks down the beer
like he knocks down the pins.

How could Colonel Potter
suggest

I'd even speak
to such a barbarian?

Well, what do you expect

from a bunch of guys
who go to work wearing gowns

and play baseball
with nurses?

All right. Come on, fellas.
Let's go practice.

‐Vermin.
‐You think this is bad.

Imagine what they'll be
saying about us

all over Korea
after we lose.

They haven't won yet.

Oh, golly!

Oh! Oh!
(laughs)

Excuse me,
uh, dollface.

Oh. Not at all.

It's such a pleasure
to bump into somebody

‐as famous as Marty Urbancic.
‐Yeah.

He's doing it to me.
I know it.

I know it.
I just know it.

I'm afraid you've lost me.

One morning, when I was 10,

my dad made me breakfast.

A bowl of cornflakes.

And I... I asked him why Mom

wasn't making breakfast
that morning.

And he said she
wasn't feeling well,
but it was nothing.

And a few days later,

he made me scrambled
eggs and bacon

and said that Mom
was in the hospital,

but it was nothing
to worry about.

By the time Dad was up to...

French toast and sausages,
Mom was gone.

He never wanted to worry me.

Nothing's changed
since I was 10.

This is just another
fancy breakfast.

(chattering)

‐(laughs)
‐Good boy. Good boy.

So much for warm‐ups.
Pitts, the time has come.

I can't start yet.
The guys haven't found my ace.

What the hell happened to you?

Get over there. Sit down.

Margaret, you did your
bowling captain proud.

I didn't do it
for my bowling captain.

I did it for my unit,
so don't blow it.

Grab him, guys!
Grab him!

Marty, where you been?

Eh, no, no, Marty.
No, no. No, no.

I mean, I've said it
a thousand times:

"Talk to you later, Dad.
I love you."

But I never told him...

that I mean it, that I...
that I really do...

Love him, w‐with a love
that I could never feel

for anybody else in the world.

What if he dies now

without my having a chance
to say that to him?

Pierce, there is no sense

in projecting the worst
in this thing.

The worst is a
distinct possibility.

Dad and I are too close to

let this all
suddenly end with...

silence, 12,000 miles apart.

Pierce, you should
be grateful that...

only distance
is separating you.

My father and I have been
12,000 miles apart

in the same room.

Yeah?

The most intimate
and personal communication

at the Winchester household

took place
at the evening meal.

Every night,
promptly at 7.15,

we would gather
at the dinner table.

The soup would be served,

and my father
would begin with...

"Tell us what you
did today, Charles."

As the elder
of the two children,

I was given the privilege
of speaking first.

I would then
have until the salad

to report
the highlights of my day.

Even now, the sight of lettuce
makes me talk faster.

I always assumed

that that's how it was
in every family.

But when I see the...

warmth...

closeness, the fun
of your relationship.

My father's a good man.

He always wanted
the best for me.

But...

where I have a father...

you have a dad.

Charles, you never told me
anything like this before.

Actually, Hawkeye...

I've never told you
anything before.

(cheering)

First frame and
they're killin' us,

thanks to you and
your big fat zero.

Next time, keep those
big gunboats of yours

behind the foul line.

I'm sorry, but when I was
in the sixth grade,

I only wore size 11s.

‐You're up. Go get 'em, tiger.
‐Yes, sir.

‐B.J.: Okay.
‐Bear down, son.

The only chance we've got

is if you can really skunk
red‐eyes Urbancic.

‐B.J.: Keep your feet
behind the line.
‐Yeah, okay.

MULCAHY:
We're counting on you.

(cheering)

I got a strike against
Marty Urbancic!

‐I got a strike!
‐Klinger! Yeah!

You're up, champ.

Remember, no fair knockin'
'em over with your breath.

All right.
Come on, Marty.

MAN:
Roll it down the middle.

(cheering)

That's for you, dollface.

MAN (on P. A.):
Attention. Incoming wounded.

Some North Koreans
really knocked these
guys off their pins.

Pitts, you and your
bowlers lend us a hand.

Right. Come on, guys.

Sponge.

Doggone it, I may never
beat those jarheads.

I just remembered why I bowled
so well in the sixth grade.

If you cried,
they let you take it over.

Listen,
will you be quiet?

I can't hear what my anesthetist
is saying.

Colonel, there's no way
I'm gonna be able

to continue
in the tournament.

Carrying litters has
exacerbated my blisters.

Sure, the rat leaves
the sinking ship. Clamp.

I can't believe this!
Will you keep it down?

Pierce, he's gonna
be all right.

Give it a rest
if you can.

We need a bowler here.

The padre's
on the injured list.

Why don't you
at least give me a chance

to show you what I can do?

‐I've seen what you can do.
‐That was softball!

‐All right. I'll give it a try.
‐He's our man!

‐CHARLES: Good for you.
‐Thought you'd want
to know, Major.

‐Your methylene blue
just arrived.
‐Ah, good.

We'll start Private Selkirk
on it right away.

Uh, Colonel, I was thinking.

Now that the methylene
blue has arrived,

there might be some
others in the camp

who could benefit
from its effects.

Oh, I'm dead on my gunboats.

I sure wish we weren't
out of that methylene.

Beej, you're in luck.

Some of those magic
pepper‐uppers just came in.

‐There you go.
‐Ah, great.

One of these
little beauties,

I'll be good for four
or five more games.

‐Easily.
‐Hey, how about one
of those for me?

I'm beat.

‐Sorry.
‐I don't know.

Didn't I help you
with the wounded?

Oh, here.

I hate to hear
a Marine whimper.

‐Thanks for the pick‐me‐up.
‐Mm‐hmm.

Whose side are you guys on,
giving him a pep pill?

Klinger, believe me.

Those things do
absolutely nothing for pep.

What does it do?

‐It turns your urine blue.
‐Blue!

(cheering)

(chatter)

That was terrific.

How we doing?

A better grade of lousy
than before, sir.

Marty, how about
another beer?

Heh, I don't mind if I do.

First I gotta go make
a little room for it.

Marty, Marty,
where you going?

Be right back, all right?

MARTY: Oh, my God!

He's just visited the
land of sky‐blue waters.

Sounds like it.

Uh... Uh, my inside‐‐
I'm turning blue inside.

‐Blue?
‐Kotchner's Syndrome?

‐Kotchner's Syndrome.
‐What's that?

Oh, it's a rare, degenerative
neurological disorder

that usually attacks men about
your age in the bathroom.

Is it serious?

Well, it's imperative
that you avoid, uh,

undue bending for at least,
that's, what, a week?

‐Oh, yes.
‐Bending?

Of course. It‐‐

‐To avoid your kidneys'‐‐
‐Pressure.

‐...being pressured
from your ribs.
‐Down.

I can't bowl.

Oh, would that
affect your bowling?

Gee, I didn't think of that.

I have to tell Pitts.

‐Oh, no, no.
‐Really,

I wouldn't recommend that
if I were you.

This isn't the kind of
malady that's talked about

openly among nice people
like Marines.

Say it's something a little
less embarrassing, like V. D.

Yeah, that'd work.

You're right.

All right!

Marty, come on.
You're up.

Colonel, uh, I think
I'd like to drop out.

Are you crazy?
You're my ace.

I had to bribe everybody
between here and New Jersey

to get you
in this tournament.

Now you are gonna bowl,

unless you got a reason
and a half.

‐Now what's the matter?
‐It's not really anything.

Captain Pierce,
your call has come through.

Thank you. Colonel,

I'm afraid I'm not
gonna be able to finish.

It's a personal matter.

Just once I'd like
to catch a break.

You wouldn't know a break
if it bit you.

And I just might.

All right.
Houlihan in for Pierce.

‐Ah ha ha!
‐Houlihan.

Houlihan? I thought
she was still someplace

between third and home.
(laughing)

Come on, Marty.
You're up.

Oh, oh.

(groaning)

KLINGER:
What a shame!

‐Did you see that?
‐(muttering)

Hello, Dad?
Yeah, hi. It's me.

What...
Can you hear me okay?

How did the operation go?

Oh, that's great.
That's great.

Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen, Dad...

Ye‐‐ Dad, I‐‐

I can hear how tired you are.

You just... You just relax.

Let me talk for a while, okay?

You really had me worried.

If‐‐ If something
like this happens again,

will you please let me know?

I'm...

I'm not 10 anymore.

I mean, will...
Yeah, all right.

Will you promise that?

I've been thinking
a lot about you lately.

Well, you know, all the fun
we used to have at dinner.

Remember that?

The way we would, uh...

Yeah, the way we'd
talk and tell jokes.

Somet...

Yeah, sometimes we'd laugh
until the food got cold.

Yeah.

(chuckles)

I know! And then I got
the spinach on my sleeve,

and you...

Yeah!

I love you, Dad.

I love you.

Yeah. Okay. All right.
Okay. You rest.

Listen, remember what
you always told me...

you know, that you tell
all your patients.

Do what the nurses
tell you to do.

I'll see you as soon as I can.

Okay. Good‐bye, Dad.

(sighs)

(laughs)

POTTER: Come on, come on.
A lot ridin' on this.

(cheering)

‐MARGARET: We won! We won!
‐We won! We won!

We finally put the lid
on those jarheads!

How's it feel to lose
to a bunch of wimps?

Not to mention a dollface!

Hey, Hawk! It was a squeaker,
but we pulled it out!

We sure did.

♪♪♪ ("Happy Days
Are Here Again")

(crowd chattering, laughing)

Pitts, my glass is empty.

How many of those
you gonna drink?

How much money you got?

Fill 'im up.

Guys, guess what.
I think I'm cured.

‐Ah, no more
blues in the night?
‐You are a lucky man.

Boy, I'll tell you, this
is a load off of my mind.

You never told me.
Where'd you learn
to bowl like that?

What do you think
Marty and I did last night?

Between drinks, he taught
me everything he knew.

This one's on me, Charles.

‐Thanks.
‐Thank you.

To our fathers.

And their sons.

♪♪♪ (theme)