M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 10, Episode 16 - Where There's a Will, There's a War - full transcript
Fearing for his life at an aid station, Hawkeye writes his will with special bequests for his friends.
♪♪♪ (theme)
(jets roaring)
Mm. Hmm. (clicks tongue)
(Charles humming)
No. No.
Um...
Ah, move.
(clicks tongue)
Ahh!
Ahhaha, the infamous
Yankakovich gambit.
Oh, yeah?
Yankakovich perfected
the strategy
of making the most
moronic move possible
in order to lull
his opponent.
(chuckling) Well, I'm not
gonna fall for it.
(clears throat)
Ah.
Perhaps I should have tried
the Jesse Owens gambit
and run to Berlin.
(chuckles)
For chess lessons.
Hunnicutt back from Seoul yet?
No, he just left
about an hour ago.
He's probably just getting
to the barber shop now.
With his feet,
the shoeshine alone
could take until tomorrow.
Nuts. I knew I shouldn't
have let him go.
But he was so het up on
getting that deluxe treatment,
I just didn't have
the heart to say no.
What's up?
Just got word from ICorps.
Battalion Aid needs
a surgeon on the double.
And as I recall,
it's Hunnicutt's turn.
It certainly isn't mine.
I made that miserable
sojourn last time.
Three days and two nights
nestled in the bosom
of Pork Chop Hill.
These are hard times.
You nestle anywhere you can.
Well, seems you just drew
the short straw, Pierce.
Oh, come on.
Can't wait for Hunnicutt
on this one.
Damn!
Ah!
Well, at least the day's
not a total loss.
Yes, it is.
Checkmate.
(screams)
CHARLES: Eat that.
That's roughage.
(chattering)
Wow! Lookee here!
Is this a beautiful person!
(chatter)
Phew!
Smell the cologne.
You better stay away
from open flames.
When the Armistice was signed
in '18, I was in Gay Paree.
I celebrated in an allnight
business establishment
that smelled a little
classier than you do.
It's only aftershave.
It's clashing with
my liver and onions.
Personally, I'm pulling
for the liver and onions.
You're all just jealous
'cause I'm
the only little petunia
in the onion patch.
Wait a minute.
You got a manicure!
I hope you manage
to stay beautiful
till Pierce gets back
to see you.
Back from where?
Battalion Aid
was short a surgeon.
I had to send him
in your place.
Hawkeye
had to go to the front
because I was
getting a haircut?
Well, you might have
broken a nail.
Knock it off, Charles.
(artillery firing)
I'm gonna give you something
for that pain, son.
Thanks, doc. (groan)
DOCTOR: Boy, I hope
you're a doctor.
Well, it's just a hobby.
My real profession
is raising orchids.
Hawkeye Pierce, 4077.
Bob Rackley.
He's all yours.
Right.
(shell whistling, exploding)
I guess you've been
hearing a lot of that.
(explosion)
Shelling?
Well, it's got to be
a lot closer than that
for me to notice.
Pressure bandages,
sir.
Yeah, good.
How long you been
working alone?
Since last night.
Where's your other surgeon?
He was killed.
Oh, God. What happened?
Mortar.
Right out there where
you parked your jeep.
MAN (on P. A.):
Attention, all personnel.
The express has arrived
from Battalion Aid.
Grab a knife and save a life.
KLINGER: Here's your
first customer, doc.
One thing about MacArthur.
He makes the blood run on time.
You're gonna be okay, pal.
Thanks, doc.
Not much fun up there, huh?
Real bad. I even heard
a doctor bought it.
Wait a minute,
wait a minute. What?
A doctor. Battalion Aid.
Which one?
I don't know.
I never even saw him.
Did you catch a name?
Anything?
Nope.
Klinger, get on the
I'll call Battalion Aid.
Klinger, over here!
As soon as I can, sir.
Okay. Let's go.
Go fast, but don't
bump him. Be careful.
Is this the last one
for the 4077?
Yeah, for now.
But drive carefully.
His chart says no potholes.
(sighs)
(shell whines, explodes)
When's the last time
you got some sleep?
What's that?
If you want to go
sack out for a while,
I'll watch things out here.
Come on.
Thanks.
(sighs)
(explosion)
(Rackley coughing)
(thinking) I,
Benjamin Franklin Pierce,
being of sound mind
and endangered body,
hereby decree this to be
my last will and testament.
I bequeath to my father
all my worldly possessions
with the exception
of the following.
To B. J. Hunnicutt,
my best friend
(shelling continues)
B.J.
B.J.
To Charles Emerson
Winchester III,
during the dark days of war,
made himself available...
(laughing)
Then the third cowboy
looks at the orangutan
sitting next to him,
turns to the bartender,
and says,
"Give me what he had."
(laughing)
Pretty funny,
huh, Winchester?
Charles!
(groaning)
Yeah?
(laughing)
That highpriced cognac
sure put your lights out.
(slurred speech)
On the contrary.
They never even dimmed.
Then how do you explain your
head back, your tongue out,
and your eyes
on separate circuits?
They I was
merely lying back,
contemplating
what Michelangelo
would have done
with the ceiling
in this place.
Come on, Major.
You had checked out
with no forwarding address.
Rubbish. A Winchester
never loses consciousness.
If you will excuse me,
gentlemen. (grunting)
Ooh, ooh.
I guess he sure told us.
Haha.
POTTER: Sure, he was
awake the whole time.
HAWKEYE:
You've been the victim
of a ceaseless stream
of dumb jokes.
Though we may have
wounded your pride,
you've never lost
your dignity.
I therefore bequeath to you
the most dignified
thing I own:
my bathrobe.
Purple is the color
of royalty.
They got our phones!
Where the hell is Klinger?
Keep your lid on,
Hunnicutt.
How long could it take
to make one lousy phone call?
Klinger's got his hands full
with this SRO crowd
of casualties. Suction.
There's nothing to be gained
by expecting the worst.
Bad news. The phones
are out at Battalion Aid.
There's no way
to reach him.
Damn.
Sorry, sir.
What's going on up there?
I did get through
to ICorps.
They say there's pretty heavy
shelling in that sector.
Wonderful.
Yeah.
Oh, B. J., there's
no reason to assume
that the dead surgeon
is Hawkeye.
No reason to assume
that it isn't.
You've got to stop tearing
your hair out about this.
Nobody plans
his own destiny.
The best thing we can do
is hit what's pitched.
Clamp.
(explosions)
To Father Francis Mulcahy,
I leave five cents.
I want to eat something.
What's going on here,
Father?
For some reason, they don't
seem to be serving.
This food is bad enough
without having to wait for it.
(chatter)
Hold my place back there.
Please don't start
on me, Captain.
I know. You're waiting
for your soufflé to rise.
As a matter of fact,
you're not far off.
Our cook can't
get near the oven.
General Kratzer's
personal chef
is using it
for his Baked Alaska.
CROWD: Baked Alaska?
Hey, wait.
I have two questions.
Who is General Kratzer?
And what size ladle
does he wear?
General Kratzer's here
to visit some of his wounded.
He brought along
his own cook.
On the way over here,
he bagged a pheasant,
and now he's in the VIP
tent dining on it.
This guy is eating
pheasant and Baked Alaska
while his men are in postop
dining on I. V. solution?
(clamoring)
(clattering)
Every gourmet knows
one should always clear
one's palate between courses.
(clamoring in agreement)
Hawkeye, now don't
do anything rash!
Leave me alone, Father.
If I think about this,
I'm liable not to do it.
Hawkeye, don't!
(grunts)
Father, what the hell's
the matter with you?
(grunting)
Wait!
Listen, Hawkeye,
you let me handle this,
or I swear
I swear I'll flatten you.
What's going on out there?
General, I'm Father
Francis Mulcahy.
My apologies for
disturbing your meal.
A rather unruly malcontent
was hellbent
on creating a ruckus,
and I was forced
to fight fire with fire.
Well, keep it down.
I'm trying to eat in peace.
Oh, certainly, sir.
Of course,
I understand perfectly.
Far be it from me to disturb
such an elegant repast.
Clumsy fool!
Oh, I'm terribly
sorry, General.
Here, let me help
clean this up for you.
Get away from me!
Uh, yes.
If you weren't a priest,
your life wouldn't be
worth a plugged nickel!
Ha ha!
(explosion)
You're a man of God,
and I know
worldly possessions mean
little to you, Father.
So I leave you a nickel,
along with something
I value
more highly
than anything I own:
My everlasting respect.
Let's see, B. J. B. J.
(sighs, chuckles)
Hmm.
To Margaret Houlihan.
Tetracycline.
Tetracycline, tetracycline.
Will you hurry?
I'm sorry, Major. I don't
read well through my eyelids.
I'm tired too, Captain.
The sooner we can
get this done,
the sooner
we can go to sleep.
(sighs) Tetracycline! Wh
Oh, here it is. Yeah.
Yeah, you better
you better order a case.
One case.
Sulfa. Ahem.
Sulfa.
Sulfa, hmm?
Where's the stupid sulfa?
It's in the living room.
What?
The sulfa's
in the living room
between the end tables.
Margaret, you made a joke.
I told you I was tired.
(laughing) The sulfa's
in the living room!
I can't believe
you said that. (laughs)
(giggling)
Su Okay, sulfa.
Here, here,
we we got plenty.
Sulfa so good.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
(both laughing)
Morphine.
No, thanks.
I've got plenty.
(laughing)
(laughing)
I'm sorry.
Oh, no,
I love it, I love it.
Somebody's been playing
with your "silly" hormones.
Oh, come on, come on,
we've got to get this done.
All right. Okay, okay.
Dig Digitalis?
No, I'm keeping it
a secret.
(wheezing)
Oh, stop.
Nitrous.
Good nitrous,
sweet prince.
Uh, excuse me.
What is it, Lieutenant?
I have to replace the O.R.
supplies before morning.
Well, what are you
waiting for? Go to it.
Okay, Captain, how's the nitrous
holding out?
HAWKEYE:
To you, Margaret,
I leave my treasured
Groucho nose and glasses.
Maybe they'll remind you
of how much I enjoyed
that silly side you show
all too infrequently.
This man's in bad shape.
Bullet in the chest.
There's no pulse.
Where's the adrenaline?
On the table.
He had a pulse
just a minute ago.
You get anything?
Not yet.
Now?
Nothing.
I don't get a femoral pulse,
either. Ventilate him.
Give me a scalpel.
Here you go.
I'm gonna cut open his chest
and massage his heart.
(ventilator hissing)
Okay, I'll get
the ribs apart.
Okay. Get 'em apart.
There you go.
More, a little more.
More. I can't get in.
More, give me more.
Okay. Okay.
Check the pulse.
No, forget it.
Forget it.
He was hit
right in the heart.
(sighs)
Never had a chance.
(artillery continues)
To Sherman Potter...
(sighs deeply)
These O. R. sessions run pretty
long, don't they, Pierce?
Uhhuh.
I was transferred here
seven days ago.
Seems like I've been
operating for eight.
And this has been
an easy week.
(groans)
I've about had it.
Well, for a man
who's had it...
you sure do
a bangup job.
Uh...
You're from Maine,
right, Pierce?
Right.
Do much fishing?
Yeah,
but not for a long time.
I'm a fisherman.
Now that I think of it,
standing around hip deep
in a freezing river
till my legs got numb
might have been the best
training I could have had
for standing at these
O. R. tables. (chuckles)
I guess, uh,
being from Maine,
you went after
deepsea stuff.
Well, I got a bluefin once,
but it took me
over an hour to land him.
I wouldn't mind spending
an hour like that.
Mostly my dad and I
fish for salmon
in the Saint Croix River.
Not many of those sockeyes
make it to Missouri.
What's the biggest one
you ever tied into?
Thirtypounder.
Thirty?
Yeah. One of them.
When I saw the lines
stripping,
I thought it was
I thought it was just
the current, you know?
Then he jumped, and I
couldn't believe my eyes.
It was the He was a horse!
(chuckles)
And then he took off.
I couldn't reel him in
'cause I...
you know,
I was afraid he'd break
this lousy 10pound
line I had, you know,
so I had to go after him.
I was I was jumping
over logs and rocks
and dodging branches,
and all the while
trying to keep the tension
on the line. Now, wha
The sound of a waterfall
kept getting
louder and louder.
And sure enough, about
three turned ankles later,
there we were at the
at the top of this falls,
you know?
And it was his big chance.
But all the fight
was out of him,
and I just
I just reeled him in.
I reached into his mouth
to pick him up,
and just then,
he thrashed his head,
and he drove the hook
right into my thumb.
(chuckles) Then he just
then he took off,
you know? He was gone.
So you ended up
with a fat thumb for a trophy.
Yeah, right.
(cvhuckles)
You know, I didn't bring
any gear, but, uh,
I'll bet we could
rig up something
to snag whatever swims
around these parts.
Might be worth a try.
These rivers are probably
full of North Korean fish
heading south.
(both laughing)
Ahem.
Well, guess we'd better
get back at it.
Right.
You not only
knew what to say
but what not to say.
My dad's a lot like that.
It makes me miss him
a little less,
knowing that you're around.
My father called me Hawkeye
after the character
in The Last of the Mohicans.
It's his favorite book.
I'd like you to have
the copy he gave me.
Ha ha ha! Wahoo!
Watch the racket,
Hunnicutt.
This hospital's
in a hospital zone.
Hawkeye Pierce
is alive and well
and living at Battalion Aid.
What?
How do you know that?
He left his fingerprints
all over this guy.
What are you
talking about?
Who else but Hawkeye
sews vertical
mattress stitches
with white cotton sutures?
(cheering)
That's gotta be him!
Attaway, Pierce!
Okay. He's ready. Go ahead.
(sighs)
Well, listen to that.
They're finally shooting
their heavy silence at us.
Let's hope
it lasts for a while.
(sighs)
To Maxwell Q. Klinger...
Any mail for me?
No, sir.
But if you need
something to read,
I got a magazine here.
Oh, Life.
Yeah, okay. Thanks.
There's some stuff
in there about Maine.
Stuff?
I can't believe this!
Look at these pictures.
Oh.
I almost forgot
how beautiful it is.
Look at this! Look at this!
I know this place.
Muscongus Bay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, look.
Nice.
This is more than nice.
This is home!
How can I thank you
for this?
What's to thank?
Somebody just left it here.
Oh, this is great.
I gotta show B. J.
You really made my day.
Maybe my year!
How you doin', Captain?
(chuckles)
That looks like a meal fit
for a king and his court.
Genuine Lebanese salami.
Where'd you get your hands
on something like that?
Your dumb company clerk.
Can you imagine
a guy trading this
for some old Life magazine?
And you may be one of
the alltime scroungers,
but when it comes
right down to it,
you'll give a friend
the shirt off your back.
So the least I can do
is give you
the shirt off mine.
And not just any old shirt
but my beloved Hawaiian shirt.
I hope you'll wear it,
even if someday
it does go out of style.
Okay.
(sighs)
Good news for you,
Captain.
That was ICorps
that just called.
The new surgeon's
on his way.
We'll be okay
till he gets here.
Why don't you
head on back?
Right. Thanks.
Well, Pierce, it was
fun while it lasted.
Yeah.
I was just getting used
to having the ceiling
under my feet.
(chuckles)
Did you finish your will?
All except
for my best friend.
How did you know
it was my will?
I've seen a lot
of those written here.
(sighs)
(sighs)
Hey. When I wake up,
remind me
to give you a kiss.
Go back to sleep.
You're dreaming.
(sigh)
Corporal Stanley T. Young.
Sergeant Robert M. Zelnick.
To Erin Hunnicutt.
I leave you a list
of all the young men
your daddy took care of
while he was in Korea.
Many of them have him to
thank for being alive today.
I want you to understand
why he had to be away
during those first years
of your life.
I hope I have the chance
to give you this in person.
But around here,
you never know.
This concludes my last
will and testament.
Benjamin Franklin Pierce.
Captain,
you really are alive.
Nah, it's just
a vicious rumor.
What are you doing?
Um, catching up on some
overdue paperwork.
Get some sleep.
There's one thing I learned
about being company clerk.
There's no paperwork that
can't wait until tomorrow.
I used to think that too.
You sure take
a long time to move.
It's my Panmunjom
strategy.
Whatever. I'm sure glad
you're back.
Will you be quiet?
I'm trying to concentrate.
Hey, for a while,
I thought you'd been killed.
Are you trying to make me
lose this game?
You deserve to lose.
You spoiled all my fun.
Haircut, shave,
manicure, massage.
I couldn't enjoy any of it.
I'm going to kill you
if you don't stop!
Okay, okay, okay. Geez!
(laughing) Charles!
Eh!
You smell like
a handpainted tie looks.
(chuckles) The feeble
jibes of a jealous man.
Good heavens. You haven't
made a move since I left.
All right, all right,
all right. There.
Ah. Checkmate.
Aah!
♪♪♪ (theme)
(jets roaring)
Mm. Hmm. (clicks tongue)
(Charles humming)
No. No.
Um...
Ah, move.
(clicks tongue)
Ahh!
Ahhaha, the infamous
Yankakovich gambit.
Oh, yeah?
Yankakovich perfected
the strategy
of making the most
moronic move possible
in order to lull
his opponent.
(chuckling) Well, I'm not
gonna fall for it.
(clears throat)
Ah.
Perhaps I should have tried
the Jesse Owens gambit
and run to Berlin.
(chuckles)
For chess lessons.
Hunnicutt back from Seoul yet?
No, he just left
about an hour ago.
He's probably just getting
to the barber shop now.
With his feet,
the shoeshine alone
could take until tomorrow.
Nuts. I knew I shouldn't
have let him go.
But he was so het up on
getting that deluxe treatment,
I just didn't have
the heart to say no.
What's up?
Just got word from ICorps.
Battalion Aid needs
a surgeon on the double.
And as I recall,
it's Hunnicutt's turn.
It certainly isn't mine.
I made that miserable
sojourn last time.
Three days and two nights
nestled in the bosom
of Pork Chop Hill.
These are hard times.
You nestle anywhere you can.
Well, seems you just drew
the short straw, Pierce.
Oh, come on.
Can't wait for Hunnicutt
on this one.
Damn!
Ah!
Well, at least the day's
not a total loss.
Yes, it is.
Checkmate.
(screams)
CHARLES: Eat that.
That's roughage.
(chattering)
Wow! Lookee here!
Is this a beautiful person!
(chatter)
Phew!
Smell the cologne.
You better stay away
from open flames.
When the Armistice was signed
in '18, I was in Gay Paree.
I celebrated in an allnight
business establishment
that smelled a little
classier than you do.
It's only aftershave.
It's clashing with
my liver and onions.
Personally, I'm pulling
for the liver and onions.
You're all just jealous
'cause I'm
the only little petunia
in the onion patch.
Wait a minute.
You got a manicure!
I hope you manage
to stay beautiful
till Pierce gets back
to see you.
Back from where?
Battalion Aid
was short a surgeon.
I had to send him
in your place.
Hawkeye
had to go to the front
because I was
getting a haircut?
Well, you might have
broken a nail.
Knock it off, Charles.
(artillery firing)
I'm gonna give you something
for that pain, son.
Thanks, doc. (groan)
DOCTOR: Boy, I hope
you're a doctor.
Well, it's just a hobby.
My real profession
is raising orchids.
Hawkeye Pierce, 4077.
Bob Rackley.
He's all yours.
Right.
(shell whistling, exploding)
I guess you've been
hearing a lot of that.
(explosion)
Shelling?
Well, it's got to be
a lot closer than that
for me to notice.
Pressure bandages,
sir.
Yeah, good.
How long you been
working alone?
Since last night.
Where's your other surgeon?
He was killed.
Oh, God. What happened?
Mortar.
Right out there where
you parked your jeep.
MAN (on P. A.):
Attention, all personnel.
The express has arrived
from Battalion Aid.
Grab a knife and save a life.
KLINGER: Here's your
first customer, doc.
One thing about MacArthur.
He makes the blood run on time.
You're gonna be okay, pal.
Thanks, doc.
Not much fun up there, huh?
Real bad. I even heard
a doctor bought it.
Wait a minute,
wait a minute. What?
A doctor. Battalion Aid.
Which one?
I don't know.
I never even saw him.
Did you catch a name?
Anything?
Nope.
Klinger, get on the
I'll call Battalion Aid.
Klinger, over here!
As soon as I can, sir.
Okay. Let's go.
Go fast, but don't
bump him. Be careful.
Is this the last one
for the 4077?
Yeah, for now.
But drive carefully.
His chart says no potholes.
(sighs)
(shell whines, explodes)
When's the last time
you got some sleep?
What's that?
If you want to go
sack out for a while,
I'll watch things out here.
Come on.
Thanks.
(sighs)
(explosion)
(Rackley coughing)
(thinking) I,
Benjamin Franklin Pierce,
being of sound mind
and endangered body,
hereby decree this to be
my last will and testament.
I bequeath to my father
all my worldly possessions
with the exception
of the following.
To B. J. Hunnicutt,
my best friend
(shelling continues)
B.J.
B.J.
To Charles Emerson
Winchester III,
during the dark days of war,
made himself available...
(laughing)
Then the third cowboy
looks at the orangutan
sitting next to him,
turns to the bartender,
and says,
"Give me what he had."
(laughing)
Pretty funny,
huh, Winchester?
Charles!
(groaning)
Yeah?
(laughing)
That highpriced cognac
sure put your lights out.
(slurred speech)
On the contrary.
They never even dimmed.
Then how do you explain your
head back, your tongue out,
and your eyes
on separate circuits?
They I was
merely lying back,
contemplating
what Michelangelo
would have done
with the ceiling
in this place.
Come on, Major.
You had checked out
with no forwarding address.
Rubbish. A Winchester
never loses consciousness.
If you will excuse me,
gentlemen. (grunting)
Ooh, ooh.
I guess he sure told us.
Haha.
POTTER: Sure, he was
awake the whole time.
HAWKEYE:
You've been the victim
of a ceaseless stream
of dumb jokes.
Though we may have
wounded your pride,
you've never lost
your dignity.
I therefore bequeath to you
the most dignified
thing I own:
my bathrobe.
Purple is the color
of royalty.
They got our phones!
Where the hell is Klinger?
Keep your lid on,
Hunnicutt.
How long could it take
to make one lousy phone call?
Klinger's got his hands full
with this SRO crowd
of casualties. Suction.
There's nothing to be gained
by expecting the worst.
Bad news. The phones
are out at Battalion Aid.
There's no way
to reach him.
Damn.
Sorry, sir.
What's going on up there?
I did get through
to ICorps.
They say there's pretty heavy
shelling in that sector.
Wonderful.
Yeah.
Oh, B. J., there's
no reason to assume
that the dead surgeon
is Hawkeye.
No reason to assume
that it isn't.
You've got to stop tearing
your hair out about this.
Nobody plans
his own destiny.
The best thing we can do
is hit what's pitched.
Clamp.
(explosions)
To Father Francis Mulcahy,
I leave five cents.
I want to eat something.
What's going on here,
Father?
For some reason, they don't
seem to be serving.
This food is bad enough
without having to wait for it.
(chatter)
Hold my place back there.
Please don't start
on me, Captain.
I know. You're waiting
for your soufflé to rise.
As a matter of fact,
you're not far off.
Our cook can't
get near the oven.
General Kratzer's
personal chef
is using it
for his Baked Alaska.
CROWD: Baked Alaska?
Hey, wait.
I have two questions.
Who is General Kratzer?
And what size ladle
does he wear?
General Kratzer's here
to visit some of his wounded.
He brought along
his own cook.
On the way over here,
he bagged a pheasant,
and now he's in the VIP
tent dining on it.
This guy is eating
pheasant and Baked Alaska
while his men are in postop
dining on I. V. solution?
(clamoring)
(clattering)
Every gourmet knows
one should always clear
one's palate between courses.
(clamoring in agreement)
Hawkeye, now don't
do anything rash!
Leave me alone, Father.
If I think about this,
I'm liable not to do it.
Hawkeye, don't!
(grunts)
Father, what the hell's
the matter with you?
(grunting)
Wait!
Listen, Hawkeye,
you let me handle this,
or I swear
I swear I'll flatten you.
What's going on out there?
General, I'm Father
Francis Mulcahy.
My apologies for
disturbing your meal.
A rather unruly malcontent
was hellbent
on creating a ruckus,
and I was forced
to fight fire with fire.
Well, keep it down.
I'm trying to eat in peace.
Oh, certainly, sir.
Of course,
I understand perfectly.
Far be it from me to disturb
such an elegant repast.
Clumsy fool!
Oh, I'm terribly
sorry, General.
Here, let me help
clean this up for you.
Get away from me!
Uh, yes.
If you weren't a priest,
your life wouldn't be
worth a plugged nickel!
Ha ha!
(explosion)
You're a man of God,
and I know
worldly possessions mean
little to you, Father.
So I leave you a nickel,
along with something
I value
more highly
than anything I own:
My everlasting respect.
Let's see, B. J. B. J.
(sighs, chuckles)
Hmm.
To Margaret Houlihan.
Tetracycline.
Tetracycline, tetracycline.
Will you hurry?
I'm sorry, Major. I don't
read well through my eyelids.
I'm tired too, Captain.
The sooner we can
get this done,
the sooner
we can go to sleep.
(sighs) Tetracycline! Wh
Oh, here it is. Yeah.
Yeah, you better
you better order a case.
One case.
Sulfa. Ahem.
Sulfa.
Sulfa, hmm?
Where's the stupid sulfa?
It's in the living room.
What?
The sulfa's
in the living room
between the end tables.
Margaret, you made a joke.
I told you I was tired.
(laughing) The sulfa's
in the living room!
I can't believe
you said that. (laughs)
(giggling)
Su Okay, sulfa.
Here, here,
we we got plenty.
Sulfa so good.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
(both laughing)
Morphine.
No, thanks.
I've got plenty.
(laughing)
(laughing)
I'm sorry.
Oh, no,
I love it, I love it.
Somebody's been playing
with your "silly" hormones.
Oh, come on, come on,
we've got to get this done.
All right. Okay, okay.
Dig Digitalis?
No, I'm keeping it
a secret.
(wheezing)
Oh, stop.
Nitrous.
Good nitrous,
sweet prince.
Uh, excuse me.
What is it, Lieutenant?
I have to replace the O.R.
supplies before morning.
Well, what are you
waiting for? Go to it.
Okay, Captain, how's the nitrous
holding out?
HAWKEYE:
To you, Margaret,
I leave my treasured
Groucho nose and glasses.
Maybe they'll remind you
of how much I enjoyed
that silly side you show
all too infrequently.
This man's in bad shape.
Bullet in the chest.
There's no pulse.
Where's the adrenaline?
On the table.
He had a pulse
just a minute ago.
You get anything?
Not yet.
Now?
Nothing.
I don't get a femoral pulse,
either. Ventilate him.
Give me a scalpel.
Here you go.
I'm gonna cut open his chest
and massage his heart.
(ventilator hissing)
Okay, I'll get
the ribs apart.
Okay. Get 'em apart.
There you go.
More, a little more.
More. I can't get in.
More, give me more.
Okay. Okay.
Check the pulse.
No, forget it.
Forget it.
He was hit
right in the heart.
(sighs)
Never had a chance.
(artillery continues)
To Sherman Potter...
(sighs deeply)
These O. R. sessions run pretty
long, don't they, Pierce?
Uhhuh.
I was transferred here
seven days ago.
Seems like I've been
operating for eight.
And this has been
an easy week.
(groans)
I've about had it.
Well, for a man
who's had it...
you sure do
a bangup job.
Uh...
You're from Maine,
right, Pierce?
Right.
Do much fishing?
Yeah,
but not for a long time.
I'm a fisherman.
Now that I think of it,
standing around hip deep
in a freezing river
till my legs got numb
might have been the best
training I could have had
for standing at these
O. R. tables. (chuckles)
I guess, uh,
being from Maine,
you went after
deepsea stuff.
Well, I got a bluefin once,
but it took me
over an hour to land him.
I wouldn't mind spending
an hour like that.
Mostly my dad and I
fish for salmon
in the Saint Croix River.
Not many of those sockeyes
make it to Missouri.
What's the biggest one
you ever tied into?
Thirtypounder.
Thirty?
Yeah. One of them.
When I saw the lines
stripping,
I thought it was
I thought it was just
the current, you know?
Then he jumped, and I
couldn't believe my eyes.
It was the He was a horse!
(chuckles)
And then he took off.
I couldn't reel him in
'cause I...
you know,
I was afraid he'd break
this lousy 10pound
line I had, you know,
so I had to go after him.
I was I was jumping
over logs and rocks
and dodging branches,
and all the while
trying to keep the tension
on the line. Now, wha
The sound of a waterfall
kept getting
louder and louder.
And sure enough, about
three turned ankles later,
there we were at the
at the top of this falls,
you know?
And it was his big chance.
But all the fight
was out of him,
and I just
I just reeled him in.
I reached into his mouth
to pick him up,
and just then,
he thrashed his head,
and he drove the hook
right into my thumb.
(chuckles) Then he just
then he took off,
you know? He was gone.
So you ended up
with a fat thumb for a trophy.
Yeah, right.
(cvhuckles)
You know, I didn't bring
any gear, but, uh,
I'll bet we could
rig up something
to snag whatever swims
around these parts.
Might be worth a try.
These rivers are probably
full of North Korean fish
heading south.
(both laughing)
Ahem.
Well, guess we'd better
get back at it.
Right.
You not only
knew what to say
but what not to say.
My dad's a lot like that.
It makes me miss him
a little less,
knowing that you're around.
My father called me Hawkeye
after the character
in The Last of the Mohicans.
It's his favorite book.
I'd like you to have
the copy he gave me.
Ha ha ha! Wahoo!
Watch the racket,
Hunnicutt.
This hospital's
in a hospital zone.
Hawkeye Pierce
is alive and well
and living at Battalion Aid.
What?
How do you know that?
He left his fingerprints
all over this guy.
What are you
talking about?
Who else but Hawkeye
sews vertical
mattress stitches
with white cotton sutures?
(cheering)
That's gotta be him!
Attaway, Pierce!
Okay. He's ready. Go ahead.
(sighs)
Well, listen to that.
They're finally shooting
their heavy silence at us.
Let's hope
it lasts for a while.
(sighs)
To Maxwell Q. Klinger...
Any mail for me?
No, sir.
But if you need
something to read,
I got a magazine here.
Oh, Life.
Yeah, okay. Thanks.
There's some stuff
in there about Maine.
Stuff?
I can't believe this!
Look at these pictures.
Oh.
I almost forgot
how beautiful it is.
Look at this! Look at this!
I know this place.
Muscongus Bay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, look.
Nice.
This is more than nice.
This is home!
How can I thank you
for this?
What's to thank?
Somebody just left it here.
Oh, this is great.
I gotta show B. J.
You really made my day.
Maybe my year!
How you doin', Captain?
(chuckles)
That looks like a meal fit
for a king and his court.
Genuine Lebanese salami.
Where'd you get your hands
on something like that?
Your dumb company clerk.
Can you imagine
a guy trading this
for some old Life magazine?
And you may be one of
the alltime scroungers,
but when it comes
right down to it,
you'll give a friend
the shirt off your back.
So the least I can do
is give you
the shirt off mine.
And not just any old shirt
but my beloved Hawaiian shirt.
I hope you'll wear it,
even if someday
it does go out of style.
Okay.
(sighs)
Good news for you,
Captain.
That was ICorps
that just called.
The new surgeon's
on his way.
We'll be okay
till he gets here.
Why don't you
head on back?
Right. Thanks.
Well, Pierce, it was
fun while it lasted.
Yeah.
I was just getting used
to having the ceiling
under my feet.
(chuckles)
Did you finish your will?
All except
for my best friend.
How did you know
it was my will?
I've seen a lot
of those written here.
(sighs)
(sighs)
Hey. When I wake up,
remind me
to give you a kiss.
Go back to sleep.
You're dreaming.
(sigh)
Corporal Stanley T. Young.
Sergeant Robert M. Zelnick.
To Erin Hunnicutt.
I leave you a list
of all the young men
your daddy took care of
while he was in Korea.
Many of them have him to
thank for being alive today.
I want you to understand
why he had to be away
during those first years
of your life.
I hope I have the chance
to give you this in person.
But around here,
you never know.
This concludes my last
will and testament.
Benjamin Franklin Pierce.
Captain,
you really are alive.
Nah, it's just
a vicious rumor.
What are you doing?
Um, catching up on some
overdue paperwork.
Get some sleep.
There's one thing I learned
about being company clerk.
There's no paperwork that
can't wait until tomorrow.
I used to think that too.
You sure take
a long time to move.
It's my Panmunjom
strategy.
Whatever. I'm sure glad
you're back.
Will you be quiet?
I'm trying to concentrate.
Hey, for a while,
I thought you'd been killed.
Are you trying to make me
lose this game?
You deserve to lose.
You spoiled all my fun.
Haircut, shave,
manicure, massage.
I couldn't enjoy any of it.
I'm going to kill you
if you don't stop!
Okay, okay, okay. Geez!
(laughing) Charles!
Eh!
You smell like
a handpainted tie looks.
(chuckles) The feeble
jibes of a jealous man.
Good heavens. You haven't
made a move since I left.
All right, all right,
all right. There.
Ah. Checkmate.
Aah!
♪♪♪ (theme)