M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 10, Episode 1 - That's Show Biz - full transcript

A touring USO show brings an unexpected touch of vaudeville to the 4077th when the star showgirl requires an emergency operation.

♪♪♪ (theme)

♪ Shrimp boats are acomin' ♪

♪ Their sails are in sight ♪

Are you hit?
No, I'm okay.

It's her stomach.
She's been having pains.

Well, well. Since when
did they put a stewardess
on this run?

She's with the U.S.O.
Medic thinks
it's her appendix.

That must be Marina's troupe.

Hello! Anybody home?

That's Brandy Doyle,
the stripper.

How would you know?



I saw her picture
in Life magazine.

Uh, fully clothed.

It is you!
Fast Freddie Nichols,

the funniest man ever
to set foot on his ankles.

Many's the time
you've beguiled

this wideeyed
young doughboy

back in K. C. in the old
Gaiety Theater.

You caught my act?

Heck. One time
I caught your garter.

How are you feeling?
Great.

Thanks to a certain
wonderful doctor I know.

Oh, I'll bet you say that

to all the wonderful
doctors you know.

I mean it.



Hey, you were just supposed
to take out her appendix,

not steal her heart.

That was G2 on the phone.

There's an allout
offensive.

All roads are restricted
to troop convoys only.

Nobody can leave.
You've been held over.

(cheering)

Hey, Freddie.

Yeah, huh?

Shake!

Make sure we've got plenty of
plasma, penicillin, bandages.

Order everything
times three.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Colonel, there's gotta be
some way to get out of here.

Mr. Nichols, let me put this
in show folks' lingo.

There's people out there
knockin' 'em dead.

Unless you want
your next review

to be in the obituaries,

you'll just have to
set here a spell.

But we gotta wind up
this tour on schedule,

or in army folks' lingo,
my club date in Hoboken

is gonna be right
down the latrine.

I've been to Hoboken.
You're better off here.

You don't understand.

This could cost me
the chance of a lifetime.

My agent says
it's the perfect showcase

for Toast of the Town.

What's that?

What's that? Ed Sullivan!

(imitating Ed Sullivan)
The really big "shew."

You all right, son?
Oh!

Look, unless this Toast
of the Town feller's

got scrambled eggs on his cap,
you're plumb outta luck.

How's he doing?
Vital signs are stable.

How you feeling, Nowicki?

Has he spoken at all?

No, not a word.

Okay, pal.

If you don't feel like
talking, I understand.

But if you change your mind,
my number is "Hey, doc."

I will open with...five.

Hey, take it easy.
That stuff doesn't grow
on trees, you know.

Hey, B. J.,
what's the matter with him?

War's got his tongue.

Sherm! (laughs)

Hi, Sherm.
Howdy, ma'am.

Sorry about the extended
engagement.

I know this ain't exactly
the Great White Way.

Oh, it's not the place.
It's the people.

I thought maybe you and I could
get together and have a drink.

I gotta warn you, if you
want to keep your insides

lookin' as good
as your outsides,

you better stay away from the
rotgut they serve around here.

Oh, don't worry about me.

I've had whiskey that'd
put hair on your glass.

Say, come to think of it,

I've got a bottle
of 12yearold scotch

I've been saving
for a dry day.

Oh, Sherm,
your best scotch?

You oughta save that
for a special occasion.
I don't want to be

Well, this is special.
It isn't every day
I get to rub elbows,

let alone bend 'em,
with a celebrity.

How about
the Officers Club?

12yearold scotch
in the Officers Club?

You'd be amazed
how many friends

and how little booze
you'll have.

I guess you're right.

Maybe we better sip
the firewater in my wigwam.

Why, Sherman Potter!

Oh, well, nno, II ju

I'll be there at 8:00.
II

IIII

Hey, Sarah.

I'm emceeing
at a redhot bingo game

in the Officers Club later.

Care to join us?
No, thanks, Father.

Not much fun being
stuck in the middle
of nowhere, is it?

Oh, it's not that.

Now it looks
like I may never get

to the 121st evac hospital.

Why is that so important?

Her brother was killed
in combat near here.

He died at the 121st.

I'm sorry.
To think I've
come all this way

to go home emptyhanded.

What do you mean?
I don't understand.

What are you looking for?
Maybe we can help.

Well, most importantly,
a pair of ballet shoes.

My brother was in love
with a ballerina,

and they had planned
to get married.

And the night
before he shipped out,

she gave him a pair
of her toe shoes,

and he treasured them
as his only link to her.

When his effects were returned,
the shoes weren't among them.

I thought if I
could find them,

his fiancée and I would have
a memory of him we could share.

You know, Sarah, if you
never received the shoes,

chances are they were
either lost or stolen

before they ever
reached the 121st.

What kind of an injury
did your brother have, Sarah?

A head wound.

They usually send
the neurosurgical cases

to the 8063rd.

I know the chaplain there.

I could call him and ask
him about the shoes.

Where's Marina?

Oh, she wanted to visit,

so I flagged down the first
wheelchair that came by.

I bet there are a lot of things
you're lookin' forward to

when you get home,
huh, Michael?

Well, what I'm lookin'
forward to most

is a big bite
of a Golden Delicious apple.

Not an ordinary apple
like you get in the market.

I'm from Washington State,

where we pluck 'em
right off the tree.

They're so...fresh

that they crackle when you
sink your teeth into 'em.

And inside, snow white.

Thought it couldn't
hurt to try.

If I was an apple,

I'd want you
to deliver my eulogy.

Listen to her, Nowicki.
She'll keep the doctor away.

Thanks for trying, Marina.

He didn't say anything,

but I think maybe he heard me.

Now that you're on the case,

maybe he'll start showing
signs of showing signs.

You were terrific.
Thanks.

Mm, Mmmm.

What's the matter?

I think you may be pushing
your recovery a little bit.

Oh, Hawkeye, I feel fine.

Yeah, well, your lips
may have a relapse.

They're not even
on solid food yet.

Try to get some sleep.

Hey, doc?

Will you tell her
that I like apples too?

Yeah, sure.

(knocking)

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

I didn't have a thing to wear.

Wow! I'll show you in

just as soon as I can
let go of the door.

Oh, I think
I can find my way.

Didn't realize you were
gonna wear your Class A's.

Well, it was a choice of this
or my working clothes,

and I figured it was
a little bit chilly for them.

That's funny.
I was just beginning
to notice how warm it is.

Well, enough
about the weather.

How would you like
to offer a lady a belt?

Oh. Comin' right up.

Now, watch this stuff.

It's got more kick
than the Rockettes.

How about a toast?

To two old war horses.

May your tassels soon
twirl in peacetime.

Amen.

Ooh, Sherm, this is good.

Not enough O's in "smooth"
to describe this.

He's right here.
Hold on, Chaplain.

Charlie, there's a young woman
here with a U. S. O. troupe

who's trying to locate her
brother's personal effects.

He was a K. I. A.

Well, primarily,
a pair of ballet shoes.

No, no, they were
kind of a keepsake.

I'd appreciate it if you could
check your lost and found.

Well, if you find them,
please call me here.

Uh, thanks, Charlie. Byebye.

Well, he'll do what he can.

Thanks.

♪♪♪

(whooping)
Beautiful!

What's the matter,
Major?

Didn't I soothe
your savage breast?

(chuckles)
No offense, Miss Carlyle,

but I've always been
of the opinion

that squeezing is a technique

best suited to making
orange juice, not music.

Oh. My, you do have
a way with arrogance.

Well, I've just never
been a devotee

of musical instruments
that one has to wear.

Oh! This old thing.

Here, hold my wrap.
I don't want to h

Maybe I should, uh,
try a little of this?

(chuckles) Going to
favor us with a selection
of boogiewoogie?

(chuckles)

♪♪♪ (glissando)

♪♪♪ (classical)

Any other requests
from the boogie man?

(cheering)

I am sorry, Eleanor.

I had no idea
you were so versatile.

Why are you wasting your time
with that overgrown concertina?

I like to eat.

Play something
we can dance to.

No, no, no, no, no!
Don't listen to those boors.

Oh, come on, Major.

Doesn't it get lonely
up there in your ivory tower?

Even Dvorak and Brahms
wrote folk dances, you know.

I
♪♪♪ (intro)

♪♪♪ ("Roll Out the Barrel")

Come on, Major.
You wanna dance?

I thought you'd never ask.

It's a good thing
that stuff is almost gone.

Any more and we could
get swizzled.

A toast.

To twirling tassels.

(cheering in distance)

Oh, you know, Sherm,

it's a shame we didn't meet
back in those days of K. C.

We could have had
one whizbang of a blowout.

Oh, when I first caught
a glimpse of you

and your nononsense ways,

that sparkle in your eye...

Oh, I like a man who's been
pushed around a little by life

and who just pushes
right back.

Oh, Sherm, you got spunk.

About this priest in Dublin

a parishioner, Mr. O'Malley,
comes to him, and he says,

"Father Casey, you've
got to help me out."

So Father Casey
says to O'Malley,

"You'll have plenty
to feed your ten children

if you plant potatoes
in the spring,

"corn in the summer,
cabbage in the fall,

and let your wife
decide what to do

in the cold winter months."

Then O'Malley says, "Father,
you don't understand."

"That's how I got the ten
kids in the first place."

How did you know that?
I just wrote it.

Fat chance, Groucho.
That's a seminary standard.

The First Commandment
of comedy

is "Thou Shalt Not Steal."

(laughs)

Now, would you try
to get the 8063rd again?

Sure, Father.
Boy, everybody's a comedian.

Hello, Sparky.

Is this a bad connection,

or are you eating
breakfast cereal?

Breakfast cereal.
Never mind.

Uh, I want to get
through to the 8063rd.

Oh. Hold on.

Communications blackout.

I'll bet you
there's a Red Chinese

with a copy of Berlitz
eavesdropping on every phone.

A regular Communist
party line. (laughs)

I have to find out
if there's any word
on the ballet shoes.

Sorry, Father.
Bother!

Just wanted to make sure
you were decent.

I've got a surprise for you.

Hi.

He insisted on returning
your visit.

Hi, Michael.

I like my friends
to call me Mike.

Okay. Mike.

Are they treatin' you okay?

Nothing to worry about, Mike.

I got the greatest doctor
in the world.

Well, that's good.

And if they start
givin' you a hard time,

just tell 'em they'll
have to answer to Nowicki.

How about that?
Words are coming out.

His lips are moving,
and nobody has a hand
in his back.

Nice, huh?
From no talk to sweet talk.

She's just amazing.

I'd like to prescribe
a few minutes with her

to every kid
who comes through here.

MAN (on P. A.): Attention!
Incoming wounded!

Hurry while there's
still a wide selection

of models and colors
to choose from.

We'll have a lot
of prescriptions
for her to fill.

(helicopter whirring)

You're gonna be okay,
Private.

Nothing broken,
leaking, or AWOL.

Thanks, doc. Oh!

Here.

What's this?

Don't tell me you were wounded
at the battle of Swan Lake?

Battalion Aid gave 'em to me.

Said I was supposed
to deliver 'em here.

Said they were
from the 8063rd.

They found them!

She's always nervous
on opening night.

Father Mulcahy!
They found them!

That's wonderful!
Wonderful!

Sarah! Sarah!

Miss Miller!
Sarah, they found them!

KELLYE: Father Mulcahy!

Over here!
We need a hand!

Father, where
did they come from?

Hi.
Shh. You'll wake me.

You do look exhausted.

I've been operating
since dawn's early light.

This is a very
particular crowd.

They want all their insides
put back inside.

I just wanted to come by
and see how you were feeling

before I went to sleep.

Did I make it?

You're sweet to take such
good care of me, Hawkeye.

That's one of the things
I wanted to talk to you about.

(exhales)

The travel restrictions
have been lifted.

Your friends are going
to the 121st evac
tomorrow morning.

You'll be
able to join them.

Do I really have to go?

Well, we have this whole
new batch of wounded.

They're taking numbers
for beds.

Well, I could stay
in the VIP tent.

I'd be out
of everybody's way there

and still near you.

Near me, huh?

You mean a great deal to me.

You don't even know me.

I know enough.

Marina, when you came here,

you were sick.

II literally
swept you off your feet.

All you see is a miracle man
in a white suit.

Oh, come on, Hawkeye.
I'm not a kid.

I see who you really are.

All you've seen

is the bedside of my manner.

You haven't
seen the bad side.

The real Hawkeye Pierce

is an egotistical,
irresponsible martiniguzzler.

Now who's the song
and dance man?

Look, I can show you
a roomful of women

as lackofcharacter
witnesses.

I can't

I can't take advantage
of your feelings for me.

And believe me, the thought
has crossed my mind.

I'm sorry.
I'm not convinced.

Hawkeye

Marina...

you ought to be back home
auditioning for musicals

andand dating
starving young actors...

eating those Delicious apples.

I've seen too much
ever to be wideeyed again.

We're the wrong blood type.
We don't match.

Innocencepositive
and lecherynegative.

Let me stay.
I'll prove you're wrong.

No, no.
It's not worth the risk.

Remember, you did ask me
not to leave a scar.

Well, Sherm, I guess
this is the big goodbye.

Sayonara, Brandy. Sure glad
I had a chance to find out

your beauty is more
than skin deep.

Too bad we haven't
got any more

of that highclass
hooch of yours.

Well, at least it gave its
life for a good hangover.

Goodbye, Sherm.

Goodbye, Miss Brandy.

If you ever find yourself
amblin' through Missouri,

be sure to look me up.

Oh, you bet I will.

Mildred will cook us
something special.

Oh.

But in case I don't,

goodbye, Sherm.

MULCAHY: Well, it's almost
time to say goodbye, Sarah.

I guess so, Father.
Thank you both.

You've given me
some wonderful memories.

It'll be a while
before we forget you too.

Well, Ellie,

I guess the time has come

to play out the coda
to this little etude.

And I suppose
we could say goodbye.

(chuckles) Maybe so.

I do look forward to one day
seeing you in Boston,

as a guest soloist
at Symphony Hall.

Ooh. Then I look forward
to seeing you

at your local beer parlor
on oompahpah night.

Well, perhaps there's a roll
or two left in my barrel.

(laughs)

Shake.

(burbling)

No, no, no. For real, Max.

For real.
Oh! Yeah. Yeah.

Bye, Mike. You take good
care of yourself, okay?

That goes double for you.

I'll look for you
on the Hit Parade.

(laughs)

Bye, doctor.
Byebye, Marina.

Thanks for the help.
You were wonderful.

All aboard, Marina.

Hey. Send you a postcard
from Times Square.

At night,
with all the lights.

I'd send you one
from the Korean theater,

but it's always
the same old story.

Well...

Well, break a leg.

If I do, can you
recommend a good doctor?

♪♪♪ (vocalizing)

♪ People of MASH,
we adore you ♪

♪ Right from the day
we first saw you ♪

♪ This, all I've got,
is meant for you ♪

♪ People of MASH,
we love you ♪

Okay, people, let's get back
to work. The show is over.

(whooping)
Bye!

Sure does seem quiet
around here.

It's the same kind of
feeling I used to get

when the circus left town.

We certainly did have
our three rings full,
didn't we?

All they left us
was the tents.

Listen, be grateful.
At least they took Freddie

and his stupid jokes, hmm?

KLINGER (knocking): Hey.

What's with the lock?
I can't get in.

We barred the door,
Katie.

Take your act on the road.

But seriously,
I've given up comedy.

I realize now my jokes
are no laughing matter.

No more jokes?
No.

You swear?
Yeah.

Eh, all right.

♪♪♪ ("Lady Of Spain")

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ (theme)