M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 1, Episode 8 - Cowboy - full transcript

[Man On P.A.]
Attention! Attention!

Casualties arriving
on the pad.

We've got another delivery
from the Cowboy.

Hawkeye. Hawkeye!

I'm gonna count to one,
and then you'd better be out of here.

Sir, I hate to wake you...

How would you like me to take out
your tonsils... through your ear?

You're needed in surgery.

That figures.

Ten minutes sleep a week
oughta be enough for anybody.

I'd give anything to be able to see
the inside of my eyelids.



Cowboy just got back
from another run.

- Doesn't that guy ever sleep?
- He will now.
He's been hit in the shoulder.

- Get us some coffee.
- Anything else?

Yeah, two blondes,
sunny side up.

- Not the Cowboy again.
- Same guy, different shoulder.

I'm thinking
of putting in zippers.

- Is he gonna be all right?
- Unless somebody shoots him in here.

What do you think, Father?
Should I sign it?

- This is the one
the Cowboy brought in?
- Yeah. He lost a lot of blood.

"Goldstein."

Think he'd mind?

[Praying In Hebrew]

Funny. He doesn't look it.

Amen.



Whatever you say, Father.

Ah, I see the mark
of the mad butcher.

- How do they feel?
- They hurt like hell.

Then I'll cancel
your tango lessons.

I'm serious, Doc.
What do you think of my legs?

Well, I'm a fanny man myself.

But I'm sure you'll be
walking around in two weeks.

- Oh, that's great.
- Oh, yeah, we do quality work here.

Well, Cowboy,
the Indians struck again.

Shoot, I been hurt worse
rollin' a cigarette.

When do I
get out of here?

A few days.

Can I get you anything?

Would you check on the mail?
I been expecting a letter.

I think the Pony Express
has been through already.

Something wrong?

It could be, but it ain't nothin'
I can fix from here.

Say, is this thing bad enough
I can get sent home?

Even for a little while?

I'll see what I can do.

- Come on, Frank!
Out of the way!
- You're not going anywhere.

This jeep is the property
of the United States Army in general,

and Colonel Blake
in particular,

and as such is to be used
for the official duties thereof
and nothing else.

Frank, you're suckin' around
to become a hit-and-run case.

- Move!
- Over my dead body.

Great idea.

- I dare you.
- Now, listen, Frank...

Yeah?

I have just completed three straight
days of surgery without rest,

and this nurse and I are going out
and do some nature study.

So if you don't wanna become
a hood ornament, you'd better move!

What's going on here?
What is all the gaff?

- Colonel Blake, this man is
about to pilfer your jeep.
- Is that right, Mclntyre?

No, sir,
I was not pilfering.

I was stealing.

Listen, haven't I got
enough problems without your...

- Sir?
- Not now, Radar.

Now, I assume you have a good reason
for wanting the jeep.

- He has not.
- I'm talking to him.

- Sir?
- No!

- Mclntyre...
- Look, Henry.

It's my curve ball. It's hangin'.
Won't come in over the plate.

This here's
my pitching coach.

She may not look it,

but she's already
straightened out my screw ball.

She's got great stuff.

- Nurse, out. "Disenjeep."
- Hold it!

And you, Captain, you will have to
find some other means of transportation.

I am not running
a personal taxi service.

Ha ha.

- Knock it off, Burns.
- Sir.

Police that butt, soldier.

- Sir, you wanna sign this?
- I don't wanna sign anything.
You sign it.

Sir, would you sign
that I signed?

I'll sign that.

- Comfy?
- Hey, you got a minute, Henry?

Oh, yeah,
I got a lot of minutes,

and each one is worse
than the one before.

Ah-ah-ah.
Don't get up.

Let me just pretend that you're
in charge of this nut house.

- I got a problem.
- Who is she?

Cowboy's X-ray.

We cleaned a mess of shrapnel
out of his right shoulder.

I think we should give him
a ticket stateside.

It doesn't look
all that serious.

Yeah, but I think he's got
something at home that is.

Well, who doesn't?

I left a going practice and a wife
with a fistful of credit cards.

Come on, Henry, show me there's
a heart under that dirty T-shirt.

Not this time, Pierce.

He's gonna be very unhappy.

Well, I don't remember the draft board
promising any of us a lot of laughs.

Then your final word is no?

Either that or good-bye.

It's multiple choice.

[Liquid Pouring]

What are you doing here?

Catching up on my sulking.

- Thought you had a date with a nurse.
- Two.

One for this afternoon,
and one tonight...
the season's first doubleheader.

- So what happened?
- Game called on account of Henry.

Took away my wheels.

Taste that.

- He just turned me down
on letting Cowboy go home.
- He's going sour on us.

Maybe he needs
some relaxation.

This place is eating away
his brain,

which, I grant you,
is only an hors d'oeuvre.

Okay, Henry,
you may have the honor.

Um, which way
is the course?

Uh, out there.

Trapper and I
laid this out ourselves.

This is the first hole.

- You see that flag out there?
- Uh-uh.

Uh, at about 3 o'clock.

[Whistles]
Pretty far away, isn't it?

It's a par 29.

The mine fields
are out of bounds on the left,

and the Chinese communists
are out of bounds on the right.

Why don't you hit first?

You're the boss.

[Clears Throat]

Nice ball.

- Ball's okay.
- Yeah.

Swing's a little strange,
but the ball looked good.

Oh, me.

Terrific!

Very nice, Henry.
Very good.

Well, what do you think
I oughta use from here?

- You oughta use all you got.
- Oh, yeah? How far is it?

From this bush,
about a half a mile.

Uh, Ho-Jon, give me
the two wood, please.

- You know, Pierce,
this is really a great idea.
- That's the only kind to get.

I'm really
starting to unwind.

That's great.
I'm glad.

[Gunshot]

What the hell was that?

I don't know, but
you'll have to take a stroke.

- But I can't even find my ball.
- Then that's two strokes.

I don't see anything.

Maybe it was a sniper.

Coming from the camp?

Maybe a ricochet.
Shall we continue?

No, no, I'll concede the hole,
and the game,

and maybe the whole day.

Let's not quit, Henry.
We're out here for your nerves.

We can leave.
I got 'em.

[Fizzing]

[Sighs]

[Engine Starts]

Colonel!

- [Nurse] Oh, no!
- [Murmuring]

Colonel.

- What happened?
- [Man] Come on, move over.

Jeep... through my tent.

What'd he say?

Jeep... tent... through.

Ajeep must've rolled loose
and broke through his tent.

Why, he might've
been killed.

- [Nervous Chuckle]
- Oh, come on, sir. I'll fix you up.

Come on, sir.

Jeep... tent...
crash... kill.

Jeep, crash, kill.
Yes, sir.

- Jeep. Tent.
- Jeep? Tent?

- Through. Kill.
- Through, kill. Yes, sir.

- Jeep crash.
- Jeep crash.

- Tent... boom... crash... kill.
- Tent boom. Yes, sir.

Okay, Trapper, don't think I don't
know what you think I don't know.

Would you translate that,
please?

You wouldn't be the first man
in the army who tried to
kill his commanding officer.

Steady, Henry.
Your glue is melting.

Just because I wouldn't
let you use my jeep.

Wait a minute, Henry. Trapper
may be insane, but he's not crazy.

Oh, yeah? Where were you
this afternoon, Mclntyre?

Over at the supply tent doin'
a hundred-yard dash with a nurse.

And what about tonight?
Where were you tonight when that
jeep went through my quarters?

- When the what went through your where?
- He was right here.

Oh, yeah?
And just where is "here"?

Here is where we are.

Oh. This here here?

Henry. Henry.

Are you all right?

- All right. Tent smashed.
- You can sleep here tonight.

- Jeep. Tent.
- Yeah.

- Boom. Crash.
- Okay, just come over here and lie down.

- Henry... Henry, wait a minute.
- Henry!

- Does Henry have an enemy?
- Doesn't sound like the work
of a friend.

We'd better
keep an eye on him.

- Now?
- I don't think he's got
a later. Come on.

- Why don't you go check in the office.
- Right.

I found him.

Boom.

Radar.

Radar?

[Phone Rings]

- Hello?
- It's me, Colonel.

- Who?
- Radar.

Radar, sir.

- Where are you?
- Uh, here, sir, in your outer office.

Well, what...
what are you...

What are you doing
out there?

Uh, no offense, sir, but I've
got this thing about living.

Did you fill out
the fitness reports?

- Yes, sir.
- Well, bring 'em in so I can sign 'em.

Yes, sir.
Good-bye, sir.

- [Click]
- G... Good-bye.

[Rapid Clicking]

[Rings]

Yeah?

Mmm, will that be all, sir?

Woodward.

- Nurse Baker.
- Thank you.

Pierce.

Mulcahy.

- Goldstein.
- [Goldstein] Yeah!

And Sullivan.

Don't worry.
It'll get here.

One week,
she ain't written.

You're welcome to mine.
It's an invitation to
a great party... last month.

She's probably off
with some rodeo rider.

She's a sucker
for a ten-gallon hat.

If I could just get home.

- You ever see any snakes?
- Not while I'm sober.

I could shoot the eyes out of a rattler
at 50 feet going at a full gallop.

Of course, the army has
its own kind of snakes.

T-That's far enough, sir.

- You ready for dinner?
- Fix those chops for me?

Stuffed 'em specially.

Here you go, sir.

Hiya, Henry.

Aren't you guys
afraid of sitting with me?

Nah, we figure
you're safe in daylight.

That's very encouraging.

You sure that food's all right?

Huh?

- You don't think somebody...
- Let me taste it for you, huh?

- We're worried about you.
- Welcome to the club.

If anything happens to you,
Frank Burns takes over.

Boy, your unselfishness
is touching.

We figure the best thing for you
to do is clear out for a while.

Walk away from my post?

No, run away from your post.

You're taking a big chance
hanging around here, and you're
driving morale into the ground.

Well, there are a few things
I could do down in Seoul.

Pack up your gear.
I'll get somebody to drive you.

Here you are, Henry.

Nothing wrong with it.

[Henry]
Now, you'll find a set of master keys...

- See 'em?
- [Frank] Mm-hmm.

Radar has duplicates
in the company safe.

Don't worry, sir. I'll have
this place back into shape in no time.

Who says this place
is out of shape?

Don't drive everybody nuts, Frank.

No snap inspections.
You understand? And no parades.

Well, that's not
a very military attitude.

Listen, Frank, the only thing
G.I. About me is my athlete's foot.

Just keep this hospital running.

Yes, sir.

Now, uh,
[Clears Throat]

Over here is the, uh,
duty roster.

- See 'em?
- Mm-hmm.

And, uh, in here...

are your transmitter codes.

- See 'em?
- Mm-hmm.

This...
Well, this bottom drawer...

is filled with personal stuff,

and there's no sense
in opening that.

- It'll just be a few days.
Everything will be fine.
- I'm sure it will.

Well, it's all yours.

Hey, where is Hawkeye?

I feel like a sitting duck
out there.

He's trying
to get you a driver.

There are not too many
kamikaze types around here.

Word's out you're takin' off,
Colonel.

Just a few days
down in Seoul.

That jeep'll
take you half a day.

I could fly you down there
in no time.

- You strong enough to fly?
- I thought we'd do it by chopper.

- Hey, that's great. Great.
- Well, let's go.

Hey, Trapper,

would you believe me if I said
I was gonna miss you?

- No.
- Smart fella.

Thanks for your help.

Have fun, Henry.

I smelled the gunpowder.

It's pretty hard not to.

And I found the wiring
and the alarm clock bits.

Cowboy's in the booby trap
business.

We'd better find him,
and Henry.

I'm afraid I know
where they are.

You comfy, Colonel?

Most comfortable
I've been in days.

Good. Real good.
You just sit back and relax.

Say, uh, shouldn't I
have a parachute too?

You don't need one, sir.

It'll only break your fall.

That's not funny.

Neither was your
not letting me go home.

- [Static]
- Hawkeye!

- Not now, Radar.
- Okay, it's cookin'.

- Sir...
- Get lost.

You told me to keep an eye open
for this. It's a letter for the Cowboy.

If you were any taller,
I'd kiss you on the lips.

Purple Rider, Purple Rider. Come in,
Purple Rider. Can you read me?

You're gonna get us both killed,
Cowboy! This is crazy!

Purple Rider, over.

[Trapper] Come on, Cowboy.
I know you can hear me.

- We can hear you. Talk to them.
- I will, as soon as you're gone.

Cowboy, you've gotten
a letter from home.

Nice try, Trapper.

We're not jiving you, Cowboy.

What's the name
on the letter?

[Hawkeye]
Mrs. Jean Hodges.

Jean. Isn't that
your wife's name? Jean?

Right. What's the address?

Box 743...

[Whispers]
Reno.

Good-bye, Henry.

I can't hear you.

It, uh...
It might say Reno,

but we really can't tell.

Reno! That's right!
That's where I live!

What a lovely town.

[Trapper]
Cowboy, how is Col. Blake?

- Henry, are you all right?
- I'm in real trouble.

Open it up.
Let's hear it.

"Dear...

John..."

Go on!
That's my real name!

DearJohn from Reno.

"Sometimes when you're away from
someone you thought you loved,

"you find yourself tested
by being tempted.

"That's what has
happened to me.

Dear, dear John..."

Wow, a double Dear John.

"I was tempted...

"and I didn't want to write until
I knew whether I'd passed the test.

"If I say I love you
more than ever,

"will it tell you how I did...

and that I'm completely worthy of
the most wonderful guy in the world?"

Cowboy?

Let's go home, Cowboy.

Let's go home.

- Hi, guys.
- [Trapper] Hi, Henry.

- Just in time for the cocktail hour.
Pull up an olive.
- Good.

From the Cowboy.
Base hospital in Lakeland.

- It was a classic combination of combat
fatigue and worry. He'll be okay.
- [Hawkeye Laughing]

His wife's joined him, and he's
going home for a month's leave.

- I do like a happy ending.
- Tell us the truth, Henry.

- Were you scared up there
with the Cowboy?
- Me?

Are you kidding?

- I know how to take care of myself.
- [Engine Turning Over]

Just asking, Henry.
Just asking.

[Engine Backfires]