M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 1, Episode 4 - Chief Surgeon Who? - full transcript

Hey, is it possible to
sue your feet for divorce?

You might get custody of the arches.

Mine are killin' me. Sure wish
they'd let us operate sittin' down.

They might if we could talk the patients
into standing up.

Fix you a martini?

Haven't you anything better to do off duty
than to lie around and swill gin?

Swill gin?!

Sir, I have sipped, lapped and taken gin
intravenously, but I have never swilled!

Actually, I'm pursuing my lifelong quest
for the absolutely driest martini in the world.

And I think I may have
hit upon the perfect formula.

- Five to one?
- Not quite.



You pour six jiggers of gin

and drink it while staring at a picture of
Lorenzo Schwartz, the inventor of vermouth.

- Twaddle.
- Watch your language, Frank,

or I'll wash your mouth out with soap.

By the way, did you know
"soap" was a four-letter word?

Hey, Frank, are we disturbing you?

Cos if we are, I can get
shipped back to the States.

You're not disturbing me. I'm putting
my time to good, constructive use.

What are you doing? And that question
itself shows how bored I am.

Writing my patients back home.
I keep in touch with all of them.

- That's a pretty big job, isn't it?
- Not really. I send them a form letter.

"What's up front, Doc?"

- A small joke.
- Almost stillborn.

"Well, the fighting here goes on,
but I must agree with MacArthur



that the beginning of the end is in sight."

- Pretty stylish, Frank.
- I wrote on the school paper.

I wrote on the walls.

Should I read this or wait for the movie?

- What do you mean?
- Well, you're quite a guy in here, Frank.

Your exploits make
Superman seem like a fairy.

- Everything in there is true!
- It's such a commercial for yourself.

I had a good practice when I got called up.

I won't let those people
forget me while I'm here.

Maybe you could bring the plague back
home, just to get things started again.

Or introduce jungle rot to Indiana.

You're both jealous.

I was in practice only three years,

and I already had
a $35,000 house and two cars.

Choppers!

- How many?
- Too many.

- We just got through two days of casualties.
- Speak to the enemy, sir.

Choppers!

Pull that back. Let's go, baby,
or his kidney will never dance again.

- Can I help?
- Help her retract.

Hawkeye, this guy's full of shrapnel.

OK. I'll be right there.

- I can help in a minute.
- Never mind. I'll wait.

- You hand me the wrong instruments.
- You ask for the wrong instruments.

- Will you shut up, Pierce?!
- How'd you like a spleen across the mouth?

- Gentlemen! You're doctors. Remember?
- I've seen better surgeons operating on trees.

- How many are waitin'?
- Two dozen, at least.

I've got a bad pancreatic injury here.

- Resect it.
- Thanks, Hawkeye.

The book says drain it - always!

If you were a proctologist, I'd tell you what
to do with that book. Read your journals.

Clean that up while I'm gone.
Let's go! We got people double-parked!

I can't find anything.

You left it in your tent, sir.

- My fishing catalogue?
- Yes, sir.

- Where do I sign?
- Read it carefully.

- It's from Major Burns. He's in the hall.
- Tell him I'm not in.

Yes, sir.

Sir?

Frank Burns has to be the biggest
horse's patoot on this post.

You think so?

Frank...

Dismissed.

- You heard him, sir.
- He's talking to you!

- You seriously want to press these charges?
- You bet I do.

"Insubordination. Failure
to salute a superior officer."

I'm a major. Pierce
has never saluted me once.

The nearest thing to a salute on this post
is the camp mutt scratching behind his ears.

"Lack of military courtesy. Captain Pierce
constantly calls me by my first name."

Not allowed, Henry. Page 85,
The Army Officer's Guide.

- You honestly want him to call you "Major"?
- I have got oak leaves on my shoulders.

And I've got dimples on my butt!
None of that means anything around here.

Shall we get on with the charges?

You insist on pressing them?

- Radar!
- Yes, sir.

- I sent for Captain Pierce.
- Get Captain Pierce.

- This way, sir.
- Show him in.

- Whatever it is, Henry, it better be good.
- He's out of uniform, as usual.

I tried sleeping in my uniform,
but my medals keep stabbing me.

Burns says the operating room
is becoming impossible.

He's right. All that blood and everything.
And those sick people? It's terrible.

You know what I mean. You're taking over.
You answer every question, call every shot.

- You do it. I don't care.
- They don't ask me the questions!

Gee, I can't understand that.
You've got a $35,000 car and two houses.

No, that's a $35,000 house and two cars.

You worked in a hospital
when they called you up.

I realise it's ridiculous for a doctor
to work in a hospital. It screws up your golf.

- Burns does outrank you, Pierce.
- It took the UN to do it.

- Listen, Pierce, you...
- Knock it off!

- This can't continue.
- Why don't you sell me to the Red Sox?

I'd love to. But what I have to do
is appoint a chief surgeon.

- Now you're talking.
- He'll be in charge of all surgical situations.

In addition to his own work, he'll help with
the really tough cases. The job will be a killer.

- I can adjust.
- I hope you can.

- I'm giving it to Pierce.
- Oh. Thanks.

What?! You can't! I won't stand for it!

Frank, the one thing that'll get you nowhere
with me is impersonating my wife.

- What about rank?
- Can I help it if I'm not as rank as you?

- This is unheard of!
- Face it. Pierce is the best cutter in the outfit.

He's certified in chest and general surgery.

Frank, in case you haven't
read the papers, there's a war on.

We're here to patch guys up.
We can't be so GI we lose patients.

- Are you implying he's a better doctor?
- Yes, when the heat's on.

Well, if you want heat...
I'll give you plenty of heat!

Frank..."Failure to salute
a superior officer."

Hey, you may just turn out to be
one of the good guys yet, Henry.

Hawkeye... don't let me down.

Would I do anything
to disgrace this uniform?

- Margaret, I, uh...
- Frank!

I... Oh, I was just, uh,
fixing this cut I have on my head.

Margaret, something
just awful's happened.

Take a deep breath, Frank.

Now tell me.

Margaret, something just awful's happened.

Colonel Blake's appointed Pierce
chief surgeon over me.

He can't!
It's against regulations!

- Doesn't he know that?
- He did...

and it is, and he does!

Ohh, my poor baby.

Frank, it's not unmanly to cry.

I would not give them the satisfaction.

That's my strong fella.

Margaret...

Attention, attention, all personnel.

Barring the arrival of new casualties,

at 2100 tonight there will be
a special ceremony in the mess hall

to crown the 4077th's new chief surgeon.

That means tonight's movie
is moved to tomorrow.

It's the latest War Department film
on the dangers of VD.

Be sure to see it with someone you love.

Put on the record.

Quiet, please, everybody!

This is the moment
you've all been waiting for.

Ladies and gentlemen
and anything in between...

...it gives me great pleasure to present

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce,
our new chief surgeon!

Thank you. Thank you.
You may all kiss my ring.

They're gonna get theirs, boy...

Yeah, type, Frank. Type.

Speech! Speech!

Speech!

Some men are born to greatness;
others have it thrust upon them.

And some of us got it both ways.

Keep those crowds back
behind the toilet paper.

"Dear General Barker, I think I should call
to your attention..." Da-da-da-dum...

"My qualifications as a doctor..."

Thirty-five thousand dollars?

Type. Type.

Margaret, when you
touch me like that, I...

Type... type...

I guess you could say that
medicine has been my life.

I always wanted to be a doctor.

Just ask any little girl I grew up with.

- Frank...
- Call me "Tiger".

Frank...

Your oak leaves are killing me.

Now how will I be able
to write the general?

Come on.

But let me say this:

Honestly,

when you live in a cruddy situation
like this long enough,

you get to love a few people...
and even hate a few.

I guess, outside of our families, we'll never be
closer to anybody than we are to each other.

- You finished?
- What did I get on the humble meter?

One more thing.
Then we gotta get back on duty.

I assure you that it's imperative,
sir, or I wouldn't have called.

The trappings of your office, sire.

Your orb.

But, sir, I... But, sir...

General Barker?
Margaret Houlihan.

Yes.

You ought to get up here at once, sir.
For the good of your command.

Your sceptre!

Yes, sir.

I think you ought to take a good look
at your new chief surgeon.

Major Houlihan... Burns.

- We're so glad you're here, sir.
- So glad.

The situation better be as bad
as you indicated.

It's worse, sir.
There's a badly wounded patient

who's been waiting to be operated on
since 1.30, sir. He's just lying there, waiting.

- It's two o'clock now.
- 2.03.

All right, I'll get right into this.

I may want to see you later, Major,
for your own personal slant on all this.

Yes, sir.

Just where, may I ask, is Chief Surgeon
Pierce, with a patient waiting in surgery?

Well, sir... you wouldn't believe this...

I don't like this at all. No, sir.

- You took three?
- Right.

- And you, Kaplan?
- Two.

- And you didn't take any?
- No.

How would you like a land mine
up your moustache?

Ten bucks, Hawkeye.

I'd like to win this pot
while I'm young enough to enjoy it.

Easy, fungus face. Call.

- Out.
- I fold.

- Full house.
- Ahh, three of a kind, all bad.

- I've seen bigger pots.
- Keep away from the mirror.

- What're we playing?
- Threes and nines are wild.

- You can buy a new card with an open four.
- Except February, which has 28.

- Are we here to play or talk?
- I think I'm here to lose.

Ace bets a dollar, blind.

- That's a lot of respect for one ace.
- As you were.

Oh, hiya, General. What are you doing?
Marching in your sleep?

- Ace bet a buck. Who's in?
- I call.

I've been told you have a seriously wounded
patient for whom you are responsible.

- You bet your bellybutton, Dad.
- What?

Pair of twos says five.

- Out.
- In.

Pierce.

A little late, General.
I'll deal you in next hand.

- That soldier requires surgery.
- Right.

That's why I checked him into the hospital.

Are you gonna take care of him,
or go on playing poker?

General, the man came in with a chest
wound. I'm watching him very carefully.

You call this watching?

I get a bulletin every quarter hour from the
nurse, who is very devoted and a great kisser.

- When do you intend to operate?
- Hopefully, never. If I have to, around 3am.

By then he will have his blood, and his
pulse and pressure should be stabilised.

- And until then you'll do nothing?
- Don't be ridiculous.

Of course I'll do something.
I'll meet his $5 and raise two more.

You're not talking to some idiot
deskjockey, Captain! I'm a doctor myself.

If you want to operate now, be my guest.
I get the same pay whether I work or not.

Your two and two more.

- Pierce... you're in very deep trouble.
- I don't think so. I can beat a pair of twos.

Oh, Dad...

This conduct is intolerable as a chief
surgeon! I order you to begin that operation!

General, either take the case yourself
or join me at 3am.

Let me concentrate on my poker.

If I don't win this pot, I'll never be able
to send my sister a new truss.

The last raise is mine.

- You haven't heard the last of this.
- I wasn't listening to the first of it.

We'll just wait until we hear what
Colonel Blake has to say about it all.

Watch out for the...

trash can.

- I hate loud generals.
- Are you in or not?

Yeah.

- Soldier!
- Yes, sir?

- Which way to Colonel Blake's?
- 20 feet straight ahead, sir.

- Were ya born in that position?
- Yes, sir... No, sir.

Dismissed.

Yes, sir.

What are you doing, Corporal?

- Doing, sir?
- D-o-i-n-g.

- What are you doing?
- I'm listening to you spell "doing", sir.

Doesn't Colonel Blake mind you smoking
his cigars and drinking his brandy?

- Yes, sir, very much.
- Then why do it?

Well, I don't mind, and I figured
as long as one of us is reasonable...

- Just a little joke there.
- Ten-hut!

Is your hand broken?

Get that cigar out of your hand!

Now, tell me...
Where is Colonel Blake?

Well, if he isn't in his tent, sir,
he could be anywhere.

- Doesn't anybody here ever go to sleep?
- Only on duty, sir.

Halt!

Friend or foe?

I am General Barker!

How do I know you're not one of them
with a clever make-up job?

- Corporal Klinger, isn't it?
- Right.

Still tryin' to get out
on a psycho, eh, Klinger?

Well, it'll take a lot more than this.

Then I'll just have to keep trying, Mary.

- General Barker?
- What, may I ask, is going on here?

- Just playin', sir.
- That I can see. But what?

Strip dominoes.

Nurse, is everybody around here crazy?

Everybody who's sane is, sir.

Just tell me, please...
which is Colonel Blake's tent?

Right outside, sir.
Hang a right, two tents.

Thank you. Go to bed.

- See?
- Forget it.

- Coast is clear!
- Be with you as soon as I can.

- Bet this looks funny.
- Bet it doesn't.

Any luck, dear? Ooh!

General, I'm sorry, sir. I thought it...

- Honey, I got us some real beauties.
- Henry!

- General Barker! What are you doing...
- Where have you been?

Digging worms. For fishing.

And leaving this place run by that
maniac you appointed chief surgeon?

I can assure you that
Captain Pierce is very capable, sir.

- Oh, you think so, huh?
- Yes, sir.

- Come with me.
- Yes, sir.

- Leave the worms.
- Yes, sir.

- He said "Leave the worms."
- This place is a madhouse, Henry.

- A nut farm.
- Gee whiz, that's a bit strong, sir.

Do you realise you've a man
on guard duty who's wearing a skirt?

Yeah, well, luckily he's got the legs for it.

- Where's Pierce?
- Over in surgery.

- Come on!
- As you were.

- How much did you win?
- About fifty bucks.

I'm sending it to my wife
for her private-detective fund.

- She gonna have you followed out here?
- No, it's for when I get back home.

- Ah, Pierce.
- Ah, pull up a sink, General.

- You still got a patient?
- Well, at 1.30 when I checked him last,

our guy had been given
less than a pint of blood,

whereas he'd lost two or three.

His pulse was around 120,
his pressure was down to around 90.

Now, at three o'clock, he's
been given three pints of blood,

his pulse is 80, his pressure's 120,

and he's received 5 million units
of penicillin intravenously.

His chest is still bleeding, but now
we can operate safely and quickly.

We don't have to do it
frantically and carelessly.

Let's get nice and sterile.

What's that worm doing in there?

General, I'm gonna sandbag ya. You think
we're ready to get out of this chest yet?

- Obviously you don't.
- Give the man a cigar.

The general or the patient?

See, Dad, we haven't found any small holes
in the lung yet. Only large ones.

I think he's got one in his lingula
that we won't find unless we look for it.

I've seen some bubbles I can't account for.
Give me some suction here.

And there it is.

- I'm impressed.
- So am I.

Let's oversew the lung.

Well, sir, what do you think of
my chief surgeon now?

I'm not very good at apologies, Pierce,
but forgive a rusty old doctor, will you?

You're good at apologies, General.

Sir, Major Burns will probably continue
to complain about the promotion.

- May I make a suggestion about Burns?
- Yes, sir.

Give him a high colonic
and send him on a ten-mile hike.

- With full pack.
- Good touch.

Well, I'll see you to your jeep, sir.

I don't expect to be back unless
you got problems, Henry.

Problems? At the 4077th, sir?

- Halt!
- Klinger!

- Who goes there?
- The man's naked!

Aw, come on, Klinger.
Put on a dress or something.

At least a slip.

- Longfingers.
- Longfingers.

- Stick a drain in there.
- Hawk!

- This looks like a job for Clark Kent.
- Coming!

Put a stitch in that drain.
I'll be right back. Watch it.

- Pierce?
- What?

Uh... can you give me a hand
with this resection?

- Hey, can you hold on for a second?
- Sure, no sweat.

I'm ready, Doctor.

We'll split the fee, right?

Right.