M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 1, Episode 24 - Showtime - full transcript

#A cottage small
is all I'm after #

# Not one that's
spacious and wide #

#A house that rings
with joy and laughter #

#And the ones you love
inside #

# Some like the high road
I like the low road #

#Free from
the care and strife #

#Sounds corny and seedy
but yes, indeedy #

# Give me #

#The simple life ##

Hey, how about that!
Weren't they wonderful?

Hey, what do ya say out there?
How about that? Huh?



Let's hear it out there.
The lovely Miller Sisters.

See ya later, girls.
Go to my dressing room and lie down.

[Laughing]
They really are wonderful.

It's a lot of fun
traveling with them.

Of course, they keep us
in separate cages.

Not that I can't be trusted.

I happen to be married to
a woman who's a terrific sport.

She even looks like Joe DiMaggio.
[Laughs]

Joe DiMaggio, yeah.
She's so ugly that...

Anybody out there,
or have we been captured?

But all kidding aside, I just wanna
say to all you guys and nurses...

what a thrill it is
to be here in Korea with ya.

I mean, we're all
in this together, right?

That guy's first.
Get this guy inside.



We'll treat his leg under local.
Give him a third of a grain
of morphine.

- Now, hold on, Pierce.
A quarter of a grain's enough.
- A third.

- Stop! Are you going over my head?
- Just through the hole in it.

- Go ahead.
- Now, you hold it. And that's an order.

- Move! That's a threat.
- This happens to be a gold oak-leaf.

I thought it was
a little big for dandruff.

Look, Frank, he's a big guy in severe
pain. He can handle a third of a grain.

If not, there's an anesthesiologist
inside to support breathing.

- Go do what I said.
I'll take responsibility.
- Informed opinion says a quarter.

Informed opinion wasn't lying on
a stretcher with a boot full of blood.

You've insulted me in the presence
of others for the last time.

Don't forget your hat,
Frank.

So this guy with laryngitis,
he goes to the doctor's office,

he walks in,
he sees this beautiful nurse.

But I mean beautiful. I mean,
she's built like a brick hospital.

[Laughs]
Down, Charley.

So he walks in, the guy
with laryngitis, he says,

"Is the doctor in?"
And the nurse winks and says,
"No, come on in."

[Laughing]
Yeah.

But really, though, I know
how hard you medics and nurses
really work. I really do.

Although I wouldn't mind being
paid for playing doctor.
I can tell you that.

- How am I doin'?
- Not too good, Trapper.

His B.P.'s low.
His pulse is rapid.

Give me another unit
of blood. I gotta go into his chest.

This could take a while.
I hope he doesn't have a late date.

Is it absolutely necessary to make
bad jokes while you're operating?

- Absolutely. Scalpel.
- Scalpel.

I've found it invaluable
to make bad jokes ever since
I did my first autopsy...

when my colleagues put a kidney
into my cap.

- Sponge.
- Sponge.

Okay, how am I
doin' now?

You're fine.
He's in trouble.

- Can I be of any help?
- You could pray for me...

to become a better doctor
in the next five minutes.

Excuse me, Father.

# Why don't we do this
more often #

# Just what we're doin'
tonight #

# Gee, but it's great
to get together again #

#Why does it only happen
now and then #

#We ought to do this
more often #

#Don't you agree
that I'm right #

# We make each other laugh
We make each other sing #

Why aren't you
at the switchboard?

- You asked me to come in...
- They could phone about my wife
at any minute.

You just spoke to the hospital.
She hasn't gone into labor yet.

Don't argue with me! It's bad
enough that she's having a baby
and I can't be there with her.

Yes, sir.

Well, at least you were there
for the important part.

# Just what we're doin' #

#Tonight ##

[Applause]

You know that ancient joke
about the guy who saved his regiment?

- Shoots the cook.
- No. How's it go?

- Uh, Kaplan, pass the salt.
- No.

- I beg your pardon?
- You're looking at one dentist...

who's not touching anything that
hasn't been checked by the bomb squad.

Have you been taking rides
in your chair again, Kaplan?
You know that makes you dizzy.

- Reach into my pocket.
- I hardly know you.

My shirt pocket.

Those are my travel orders.
I'm going home today.

No kidding. You mind if I look
at these for drooling purposes?

You unfold it.
If I do it, I could get a paper cut.

I'm not having any
last minute infections.

Aren't you stretching things
a bit?

I haven't even used
the latrine in 18 hours.

Now, that's something
I didn't have to know.

Put it in my pocket.

Can't be too careful.
A friend of mine got his orders,
broke his leg the next day.

Got it tangled in a nurse
at his farewell party.

You got a good point there,
Kaplan. Good luck.

#Again #

#This couldn't happen again #

#This is that
once in a lifetime #

#This is
the thrill divine #

You're not eating,
Father.

- You know something I don't know?
- Something's troubling me.

Think of me as your mother,
Father.

- May I make a confession?
- As long as you don't
use any real names.

For some time now, I've been comparing
the disparity of our callings.

Doctor versus priest.

You fellows are always able
to see the end result of your work.

I mean, you know immediately
if you've been successful.

For me, the results
are far less tangible.

Sometimes...
most of the time...

I honestly don't know
whether I'm doing any good or not.

I used to have a professor
in med school who always said,

"God cures the patients,
but the doctor takes the fee."

Do you think that's true?

I'm able to do a lot of things
in surgery that I'm not
really good enough to do.

[Sighs]

Thanks, Hawkeye.

# But never, never again #

# Never again ##

[Applause]

- Give me some suction.
- Yes, Doctor.

- Feels like someone used
my eyeball for a tea bag.
- Nurse.

Trapper, you'd better not
be much longer.

- Clamp?
- Clamp. Thanks.

Okay, come on.
Stay with us, will ya?

Hello? Hello?
Uh, Bloomington, Illinois?

- Yes, General Hospital?
- You got them?

- I'm calling about Mrs. Henry Blake.
- Uh, maternity.

Right.
She's pregnant.

You know, with a baby.
Yeah. Okay.

They're ringing
her room.

Can you imagine?
Can you imagine?

- I am becoming a father
for the third time.
- Oh, yes, sir!

- Yes, sir, is right.
- They know what causes that now.

- What are they doing?
- Hello, yes?

I'm still holding,
operator.

Why am I so nervous? Gosh sakes, she's
got the best obstetrician in town.

Marv Handleman. He could
deliver a baby with his eyes shut.

That's the only way
I'd do it, sir.

Yes. What?

Are you sure?

Uh, sir?
She's not there anymore.

- What do you mean
she's not there anymore?
- We'll get right back to you.

- I just...
- It's all right. They sent her home.

She had a false labor.

- She had a what?
- A false labor.

- Radar.
- Steady, sir.

- I'm not gonna make it.
- Steady, sir.

Just sit.

Okay. Everything's
gonna be fine.

Would you believe that I've
got a craving for dill pickles?

That's the last
of the shrapnel.

- Better close him fast.
- Gimme some 3-0 silk.

Right here.

I've lost the pulse.

I'm gonna massage the heart.
Get some adrenaline ready.

[Breathing Unevenly]
Hang on, damn it.

- Still no pulse.
- Adrenaline! Let's go. Let's go!

It's going again.

But it's irregular.

Oh...
[Mutters]

[Yelps]

Yes, operator, go ahead.
I can hear you.

Seven pounds, two ounces.
Twenty-one inches?

- What's seven pounds, two ounces?
- Your son, sir.

My son?
My wife's had a boy?

Well, it isn't
a girl son, sir.

Your wife is doing just fine.
It's the hospital. The hospital.

Uh, listen.
Tell Mildred... Mrs. Blake...

that her husband, Henry,
loves her very much, and that...

- She didn't hear your name.
- What? Henry!

"H" as in... Never mind.
She knows my name.

Just tell her
that I love her...

and that I'll call her and that
all my labor pains have stopped.

Bye.

Congratulations, sir.

Thanks, Radar.
A son. A boy.

[Laughing]
Oh! So this woman gets up real close...

to the guy in the sailor suit,
and she says,

"And so what kind of a doctor
are you?"

Guy says, "Me?
I'm a naval doctor."

She says, "Boy, when you specialize,
you really specialize."

- [Laughter]
- Oh! So it's that kind of a crowd.

You really go for
the sophisticated stuff, huh?

# I had the craziest dream #

# Last night #

#Yes, I did #

# I never dreamt
it could be #

#Yet there you were #

# In love with me #

# I found your lips
close to mine #

# So I kissed you #

#And you didn't mind it
at all #

# Not at all #

You've never had any children,
have you?

Being single,
it never seemed a wise move.

It's too bad.
It's a great feeling.

Why do you sound like
a hit-and-run victim?

Me?
[Sighs]

- I couldn't be happier.
- Aw, come on, Henry.

There's no disgrace in admitting
you're depressed because you
can't be with your new baby.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, inasmuch as no umbilical
cord reaches 20,000 miles.

Here's to your new son,
Henry.

Yeah. Yeah.

But let's hope I meet him
before he gets drafted
and sent over here.

# Say it and make
my craziest dream #

# Come true ##

Let's hear it for the girls!
What do ya say?

How about this band? They're gonna
do a little number for you.

But first I gotta tell you
about Charley the drummer.

Charley served in World War II.
You remember World War II?
It was in all the papers.

[Laughing]

What'd he say?

Uh, I didn't really hear.

One day Charley finds himself
in a field hospital
with a sheet over his head.

He pulls the sheet down,
and he sees himself being
wheeled away on a stretcher.

So he turns to the orderly, and
he says, "Where are we going?"

The orderly says, "To be buried."
He says, "But I'm not dead!"

The orderly says, "Shut up. You wanna
make a fool out of the doctor?"

It doesn't look good,
Trapper.

- You did your best.
- Too bad it was so lousy.

Hey, what's goin' on?
There's a rumor you three eloped.

I started out to be an architect.
Couldn't handle the math.

Why don't you
get some rest?

Over here, Father.
We need some cross action.

The blood pressure
is still low, but it's better.

Hang another
unit of blood.

What was that about not
being sure you did any good?

It's not supposed
to work that way, you know.

Now go hit the sack, or I'll report you
to the doctors and the architects.

I'll take care of him.
Come on.

You know something?
Those two could wind up...

Yes?

Rolling Easter eggs.

##[Band. Swing]

Captain Kaplan?
Pile in, sir.

Move over. Do you think
I'm putting my life in your hands?

- What are you, 19?
- Eighteen, sir.

My feet have corns
older than you are.

- What is that, a disinfectant?
- Who knows where this kid's
hands have been?

- Good-bye, Doctor.
- Please, Nurse, no offense.

I'm a dentist. I know.
The mouth is a playground for germs.

If the tongue weren't attached,
it would jump out in a minute.

- Is it possible
to bless a jeep, Father?
- Consider it done.

Sir, we better get going.
You have a plane to catch.

Don't remind me. Even as we're
talking, the propeller's getting older.

Well, good-bye, everybody.

- Lucky man.
- Certainly is.

[Jeep Horn Beeps]

[Crash]

[Beeping Continuously]

I knew it. Did I know it?
Did I know? Did I say it?

I said it from the very
beginning. Jinxed!

Anybody can step on the gas
instead of the brake.

- How's the driver?
- The kid's okay.

Figures! I'm going home.
I'm in pieces.

He's staying here.
He didn't bust a pimple.

You know how I'm getting home
when the time comes? I'm walking.

Look...
[Laughing]

You're not
leaving me alone?

Would you like
a surprise, sir?

Yes. I'd like to be stolen
by gypsies and taken to their
camp in Bloomington, Illinois.

- Close your eyes.
- Radar, this is not
a good day for playing games.

Please?

- Yeah.
- Okay. Now, no peeking, now.

Yeah.

- Well?
- Just a minute.

- Oh, boy.
- I'm coming.

Mm-hmm.

- Can I open my eyes yet?
- Not yet.

Hold out your hands.

Okay. Open 'em.

Oh. Oh, don't cry.

Radar, where did
this baby come from?

- Not in any kind of,
uh, trouble, are you, kid?
- Oh, no, sir.

Uh, his mother works
in the camp laundry.

[Baby Cries]

I just thought since you couldn't
get to see your own son...

He's a...
He's a beautiful boy.

[Speaking Korean]

Can she speak English,
Radar?

Uh, no, sir.

But it's nice
you could smile in Korean.

Aw.

Well, I guess we'd
better get back to work.

Yes, sir.

[Crying]

Sir?

In a minute.

#You make me feel
so young #

#You make me feel
there are songs to be sung #

# Bells to be rung and
a wonderful fling to be flung #

#And even when
I'm old and gray #

# I'm gonna feel the way
I feel today #

# 'Cause you make me feel so #

#You make me
feel so #

#You make me feel so #

- #Young #
- # So young ##

[Cheering]

Wait a second.

##[Band On P.A. Playing
"Stars And Stripes Forever"]

[Wolf Whistle]

[Laughter, Cheering]

It's really been both a ball,
an honor and a privilege
meeting with you like this.

But I can see it's time to go,
because they're winding up
the rubber band on the airplane.

So on behalf of
the Miller Sisters, let's hear it!

Charley Keller
and his Claire-de-Lunatics.

And me. Yes, sirree.
In person, Jackie Flash,

saying that we'll be back
to see you again real soon.

Same time, same place,
same war!

So long now,
and God bless ya.

Let's hear it out there.