M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 1, Episode 21 - Sticky Wicket - full transcript

Okay, sports fans,
you ready for the next hand?

My last hand
was more like a foot.

[Laughing]

- I thought that was funny.
- When you're winning,
rigor mortis is funny.

- How about Ugly John?
- He's been playing the same hand
for the last hour.

- [Trapper] Winning or losing?
- [Hawkeye] A little of each.

- Well, wake him up.
- No. Forget it.

This is the first
I've enjoyed him.

Open for five.

- Call.
- I'm in, Shorty.

Stop making fun of my height.



What height?
You have no height to make fun of.

Go get some height.
We'll make fun of it.

Hold it.

Oh, he hears them again.

- Choppers!
- Come on. The war's back in the game.

Hey, mateys, look.
Ace-high flush.

That was two hours ago.

Those cats in the north really
know how to break up a poker game.

They saved me money,
but I hate their methods.

[Trapper] Why don't we have a war
sometime with blank ammunition?

[Hawkeye] We tried it.
No casualties, no fun.

There's too much chatter.
It's distracting.

- Especially if you don't
know what you're doing.
- Pierce, do you mind?

- We've got five more cases.
- Tell them there'll be
an hour wait for a table.



Yeah, put them in the bar,
sell them a drink. Clamp.

Clamp. I said clamp.
Clamp! Come on. Move it!

Here you go, Frank.
Clamp.

- Colonel Blake, did you see that?
- Yeah. He's a great hitter.

- But he's got a lousy arm.
- I don't need your help, Pierce.

Better check with
your patient on that.

Psychologically, that kind
of eating indicates hostility,

- aggression.
- Destructiveness.

Why don't we get him
to eat North Korea?

What he doesn't finish,
he can take home in a doggy bag.

- Do you mind?
- Give it some thought.

Pierce, I want
to ask you a question.

No, you may not
borrow my fork.

Why do you find it necessary
to make my life miserable in the O.R.?

Mainly because
you're so consistent.

Well, I'm just trying
to do my job.

You screwed up today
like you do every other day.
That's what I call consistent.

Well, would you mind
telling me how I did?

Frank, you're only
dignifying him.

- Which is more than I would do for you.
- Well?

You think you're the only one
who's busy. You asked for help
three times today. Three.

Give me some salt.
I can still taste this.

Then when you make a mistake, you're not
smart enough to admit it and start over.

- We're not here to compensate for you.
- I'll buy that.

- Me too.
- Well, I don't buy it.
- Neither do I.

It's a tie.
Two against fifty.

You're inconsiderate,
insulting with your nurses,

bloody arrogant, demanding,
distracting and dumb.

Wow.

And those are your good points.
You're also surgically incompetent.

- I...
- I wouldn't let you
operate on me for dandruff.

- Oh, this is outrageous.
- You keep out of this. Where was I?

- Surgically incompetent.
- Surgically incompetent. Right.

And finally, you are a total and
definitive pain in the gluteus maximus.

- Frank, did you hear that?
- Would you like me to translate?

You can't talk to me like that.
Not and get away with it.

What are you gonna do,
eat me?

Knock, knock, sir.

This better be
important, Radar.

Uh, it's Major Houlihan, sir.
She's throwing a fit.

Then give her a distemper shot.
I've gotta get some sleep.

But she says if you don't come,
she's gonna inform General Clayton.

Twenty thousand miles from home
and I'm still aggravated by a woman.

Sometimes I think my wife operates
Major Houlihan by remote control.

Well, what should
I tell her, sir?

You go right to Major Houlihan,
you set your jaw firmly...

and you look into those cool,
killer eyes of hers...

and you tell her
I'll be right there.

Yes, sir.

- Hawkeye?
- Go away.

Colonel Blake wants to see you
in his office right away.

Tell him I died and didn't
leave a forwarding address.

- Hawkeye.
- Would you...

So typical.

Colonel Blake calls you into
his office and you chew him out.

You woke me out of one of the sexiest
dreams of all time to discuss morale?

Pierce, morale is important.

Absolutely. But how can we
discuss something we don't have?

We don't have any
because of your disruptive influence.

- I deny that.
- It's true.

In that case, I admit it.

The idea of reporting to your commanding
officer wearing nothing but a robe.

Would you like me
to take it off?

Pierce, that ruckus
you had with Frank...

has already spread
through the whole outfit.

So what? Everybody already knows about
old butterfingers. That's not news.

Colonel, if he continues,
I'm going to file a formal complaint.

And I'll file a countercomplaint against
Burns' impersonating a surgeon...

and masquerading
as a human being.

- He's impossible.
- See? Even she agrees.

Pierce, I want you
to patch it up.

There's nothing to patch up,
unless Frank's been operating again.

He wants you to apologize.

In public...
the way you insulted him.

Apologize?

Like, "I'm sorry, Frank.
You're a great guy and a fine surgeon"?

If I tried to say that,
my tongue would snap off its roller.

- Pierce...
- People have to be warned...

that Frank Burns is dangerous with sharp
instruments, like scalpels and probes.

Pierce, listen.
There is a war on.

Nothing gets by you, Henry.

See you in the funny papers.

Oh, boy. This kid needs more than
a new set of plugs. Look at that.

- Iliac artery?
- Yeah.

The lace curtain effect is done
by a fragmentation grenade.
Give me some suction here.

Suction.

What's the score, John?

Well, he's doing pretty well,
considering what you're doing to him.

The bleeding seems to have stopped.
Let me have that bone-cutter.

Right. Bone-cutter.

Anterior vertebral body
is fractured.

- I'm gonna go in after
that big fragment. Forceps.
- Forceps.

Do you think
he'll be paralyzed?

Not if these ten fingers
haven't lost their magic.

There we are, folks.

- "Made in U.S.A."
- You're joking.

Just wanted to see
if you were awake.

- Private Thompson?
- You did him yesterday.

- Multiple fragment wounds,
lacerated iliac artery.
- So what's his problem?

Outside of the fact he ought to be back
home with his girlfriend at the movies?

Oh, he has a fever,
abdominal pain,

urinary output
50 cc's an hour.

Pulse rate, 112.
Blood pressure, 110 over 70.

I've heard
better news in my time.

- Hey.
- This is Dr. Pierce.
He operated on you.

- Hi, Doc.
- How's it going?

- Lousy.
- Well, that figures.
You were on the table a long time.

People were beginning
to think we were going steady.

My gut hurts.

Yeah. Yeah.
I'll be right back.

Don't run off and reenlist.

- What's his temperature?
- Hundred and one.

- Oh, terrific.
- Hey, how about a little golf
this afternoon?

After the mortar barrage last night,
we got a 19th and 20th hole.

No, I can't.
Start him on I.V. Penicillin.

- He may be developing a wound infection.
- Right.

And I, uh, wanna get a blood count,
so bring me the tubes right away, okay?

- Yes, sir.
- Somebody double-cross you?

Yeah, that kid over there. Yesterday
I repaired a hole in his iliac artery.

I removed a large fragment
near his spinal cord.

Hmm. Penetrate the dura?

No, no.
And no sign of paralysis.

Hmm. So what's the problem?

Well, he's got a temperature
of a hundred and one.

Well, that could be just
a normal postoperative reaction.

Penicillin might
bring him around.

Yeah, but "might" isn't good enough.
I wanna be sure of it.

- See you at the movies later?
- What's playing?

Bride of the Gorilla
and Bonzo Goes to College.

- I think I'll wait
for the books to come out.
- Okay, it's your loss.

Hey. Good luck with the kid.

[Trapper]
How's the chicken, Radar?

It's beautiful.
Is that what it is?

I think the same people who make
the camouflage make the gravy.

Hey, how's Thompson?

Still downhill.

White blood count 18,000.
Temperature up to 102.

- Hmm.
- He may be developing an abscess.

Isn't Thompson the boy
we worked on together?

- He's falling apart on me.
- I can't believe it.
I just can't believe it.

- Keep out of this, Frank.
- Well, what went wrong, Super Surgeon?

Operating with one hand
tied behind your back again? Hmm?

Hey, Frank, why don't you let
that cut under your nose heal?

Just play kneesies with Big Mama.
Forget I'm here.

Why not give us
the whole story?

You shot your mouth off
with no trouble here last night.

- Put a lid on it, Frank.
- Was it something you did
or something you didn't do...

or something you forgot
to do or, uh...

- Get off me!
- Last night I was
Mr. Screwup, remember?

Dr. Screwup.
And it still goes.

Oh, really?

Well, I haven't killed anybody
this week. What about you, big shot?

- [Women Screaming]
- Get him, Pierce!

- [Hot Lips] Stop it! Stop it!
- [Crashing]

Stop it!

- I'll kill him!
- You'll have to kill me first.

That's the best offer
I've had today.

We didn't need the bed,
so I didn't disturb him.

Well, he didn't get back
to the Swamp last night,
so I figured he got a better offer.

- No such luck.
- You fell asleep.

No kidding.
I figured that when I woke up.

You often make
house calls like this?

Only for some patients.

Oh, patients.
Well, how he's doing?

Last night's box score.

Oh, damn it.
He's not getting anywhere.

He's falling back
in some ways.

All right, same orders,
Lieutenant.

- Mm-hmm.
- No change.

- Keep a close watch on him.
I'll be back in a little while.
- Okay.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- How's Thompson?
- Is that the only question
anyone can ask me?

Well, what's wrong with that?

It reminds me that I'm nowhere with
that case, and it's driving me buggy.

- So please don't ask.
- Okay, I won't.

He's about the same.

How about some poker tonight?

I got the missus to send me a check,
made out to you,
just to make things easier.

- I don't think so.
- You're no fun at all.

Go shower with the nurses!

Ace-king,
possible straight.

Pair of twos
and a paregoric.

- I'll check to the ace-king.
- Likewise.

Five dollars.

I'm out.

I call.

- Last card.
- Down and dirty.

How much can I bet?

Last card.
Twenty bucks.

Well, if I can
only bet 20 bucks...

Take it.

- What did you have?
- I don't have to tell.

How would you like to donate
a pint of blood through the nose?

I didn't have anything,
just ace-high, that's all.

- You didn't have a pair
or a straight or anything?
- No.

I threw away two tens!
Who taught you to play poker?

You did!

Don't think you're going home
when the war's over,

'cause you and I are staying
right here in Korea until I get even.

Can't you guys do that
somewhere else?

Why don't you do what
you're doing somewhere else?

I'm not doing anything.

Well, you can do that
anywhere, can't ya?

For crying out loud.

- Come on. Deal.
- Okay, five-card draw, jacks or better.

- [Radar] Sir?
- Hmm?

- Sir!
- Oh, please, Mildred.
I've had a tough day.

No, it's Radar, sir.

- What's the matter?
Have we got casualties?
- Uh, no, sir.

I was wondering if you could
look after this for me.

I just won 800 bucks
in a poker game.

You woke me for that,
Private O'Reilly?

- Corporal, sir.
- Nothing is forever, Radar.

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry, sir.

It's just that I'm worried.
I'm afraid someone will rob me
or the mice'll eat it.

You trying to tell me that you beat
Captain Pierce playing poker?

No, sir.
He moved out of the Swamp.

He didn't.

He's worried about this case
of his not getting better.

Yeah.

Will you look after
my money for me, sir?

Yeah, only on the condition
that you never wake me again.

Oh, it's a deal.

[Whispering]
I promise.

He really moved
out of the Swamp?

Yes, sir.

Yeah?

[Whispering] It's eight hundred
and three dollars, exactly.

Right.

- [Knocking]
- Go away. I gave at the office.

I told you
to leave me alone, Trapper.

It's me, you rat.
I've been looking for you everywhere.

- What are you doing here?
- Trying to think.

Well, why didn't you
stay in the Swamp?

I can't think in that place.
That place is an upholstered cesspool.

Between the bubbling of the still
and the clicking of the poker chips,

I'm losing what's left
of the little mind I came here with.

- Lose your whistle?
- It's Thursday.

- Well, it certainly seems like Thursday.
- We have a date.

I'm sorry. Not this Thursday. I got
a case I just can't get out of my mind.

I'm not interested
in your mind at all.

- [Hawkeye] Honestly...
- Knock, knock.

I, uh, whipped up a little
lubricating oil for the old brain box.

- Trapper...
- Is the, uh...

Finding a new approach
to the problem?

- She was just leaving.
- Not on my account?

No. On mine.

Trap, thanks for the booze,
but I really do wanna be alone.

[Door Opens]

What's going on here?
Just because I want some privacy,

there's everything in here
but the kitchen sink.

- What's in there?
- A kitchen sink, sir.

- Out! Out! Excuse me.
- If you say so.

Have you seen Bride of the Gorilla
and Bonzo Goes to College?

- No.
- Why don't we both miss 'em together?

You young people
just run along.

I'll bring you
some coffee later.

- [Knocking]
- There is absolutely no one here!

Um, Pierce,
I wanna talk to you.

Just take a number
and sit down, Henry.

Although I rather you didn't. I keep
telling everybody I wanna be alone.

I don't mind
talking to you, Henry,

but wherever you are,
Radar's sure to follow.

Well, he's at the movies.
We won't be interrupted.

What you don't seem to understand
is that you are already interrupting.

- Then I'll say it fast.
- Start.

Look, you're losing
your perspective.

You've got your guts in a knot
because one patient has gone sour.

In an outfit like this,
that's bad.

- I don't buy that.
- You don't buy it
because you're dedicated.

- Well, shouldn't I be?
- Depends.

On whether you're dedicated
to your patient or your ego.

Henry, don't try to practice psychiatry.
It always gives you a headache.

Colonel Blake?

Did I tell you? The sun came up
and your three-foot shadow appeared.

- Sir?
- Radar, whatever it is, it can wait.

- Sir, could you just
sign these, please?
- Can't these wait?

Henry, sign it.

It's so next week we can get Love Life
of a Gorilla and Bedtime for Bonzo.

- What would you take to desert?
- I'm sorry.

I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.

But not before I tell you to give up the
luxury of trying to be Dr. Perfect...

in this G.I. Butcher shop.

You know, you can
save that luxury...

for when you go back home
to your private practice...

where you can pick the kind of patients
that won't go sour on you.

- Do you know something, Henry?
- What?

You're not nearly as dumb
as I thought you were.

Thanks.

- You know something, Pierce?
- What?

You're disgusting when you
try to be nice. See you around.

[Sighs]

Captain Pierce.

Taking to cruising
the compound, Major?

Can't you put your hostility aside
for one minute?

Oh, all right.
I'll stack it on top of my anger.

- I've been thinking about Thompson.
- Welcome to the club.

Sort of going over it
in my mind, and...

Well, is it possible
you missed something?
I'm not trying to be a wise guy.

That I missed something is not
exactly a new thought. But what?

There were an awful lot of fragments.
You couldn't account
for every one of them.

I thought I did. Look, there
could've been more damage, but where?

Could it have nicked
the small intestine?

Impossible.
I couldn't have missed that.

I ran the... I ran the bowel
before I closed him up.

- What about... What about the...
- No. Come on. Look.

You were just assisting.
I ran the controls. I ought to know.

Well, you obviously don't.

Well, I'll just hang a diploma
in the latrine and open a hot dog stand.

Good night, Major.

Good night.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, wake up! Come on! Wake up!
Let's go! Open the door!

- What's the matter?
- I'm opening him up again.

- What?
- You're going to assist me.

- Wait till I get some clothes on.
- Later. Wake up Ugly John.

Get somebody to prep Thompson.
Come on. Move.

- Can't it wait till morning?
- I said now. Move!

- [Gasps]
- Sorry, Frank.

- Let me have some suction here.
- Suction.

- Give me a lap sponge.
- Lap sponge.

- Anything?
- Not yet.

Pick up some scissors.

- These okay?
- Yeah, fine.

- How's he doing?
- Pretty good.

But don't muck about.
He's got a high fever.

Right, Doctor.

Lap sponge.

Sponge.

Bingo.

The shrapnel tore
the back of his sigmoid colon.

- That has to be it.
- Anybody could've missed that.

Thanks, Frank.

Okay, let's close him up.

I'm so glad, Hawkeye.

- You know something, Major?
- What's that?

You're beautiful
when you sweat.

What do you mean,
this is no longer my bunk?

Now, wait a minute, pal.
You spent two nights away,
and this Captain Phillips moved in.

- That's it.
- Hey, Trap.

You're talking to one
of the founding fathers.

I named this dump. I threw
the first load of garbage on the floor.

- Sorry.
- Sorry, my butt.

Lafayette, I am here.

Hey, you know something?

When I see you sitting there
like that in your favorite chair,

with a glass
of raw spirits in your hand,

thinking evil thoughts,
I can't throw you out.

If you kiss me,
I'll throw up.