M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 1, Episode 17 - Sometimes You Hear the Bullet - full transcript
Margaret's in the mood for love...just until Frank gets near her, dips her and blows out his back. Margaret and Frank nag at Henry, until Henry recommends Frank for the Purple Heart for his "frontline" injury. A genuine hero and old friend of Hawkeye, Tommy Gillis, visits the 4077; he used to be a correspondent, reporting the war; but now, he is a foot soldier, living the war. Tommy tells Hawkeye and Trapper about his novel "You Never Hear The Bullet," of which he is very proud. A young Marine, Wendell (Ronny Howard) visits the 4077 with a burst appendix. At first, Hawkeye promises to keep it secret when he learns Wendell is actually Walter, the 15-year-old younger brother, trying to impress the girl back home. But after Tommy dies on the table, Hawkeye cries; Henry tells Hawkeye two immutable truths about war. Rule #1 is apparent: Tommy is dead; but, Hawkeye realizes he CAN do something to change Rule #2. lt would involve breaking a promise... and invoking the Order of the Purple Earring. But for Hawkeye, it might be worth it.
- Margaret.
- Frank.
You don't know what it does to me,
being near you in surgery,
only able to touch you
through rubber gloves.
Dance?
- You all right?
- Oh, yes.
It's just this song. It gives me goose bumps.
I'm the same way about
"Pennsylvania 6-5000".
Ohh, you're so light on your feet.
I was voted "Most Graceful"
in my class at Veloz and Yolanda.
Oh, Frank.
Frank, that's marvellous, but the blood
is beginning to rush to my head.
It's not marvellous, Margaret.
It's my back. I can't move.
Frank, don't moan.
When a man's in pain, he has to moan.
No, not unless he wants to
get caught in a lady's tent.
I won't moan a word.
But we've got to do something.
Can't you let go of me?
I'll try.
Now... go get help.
But they'll see us... dressed like this...
In my tent! With a candle.
And "I'm in the Mood for Love".
But, Margaret... I need help!
And you'll get help, my darling...
but not in my tent!
I don't think I should be here, Hawkeye.
War's a dirty business.
No one should be here.
I mean in your tent.
My tent's a dirty business too,
but it's more fun than the war.
Wait. I have an olive for your martini.
Olive? There aren't any olives in Korea.
There are at least a dozen
right here in this jar. From China.
- Communist China?
- I never talk politics with an olive.
But they do come from up there?
How?
Let's just say I know a Red on the
black market who gets me green olives.
- That's terrible.
- Those dumb commies.
That's why they'll lose. You can't
conquer the world with a shoddy olive.
Hitler found that out.
This is sensational.
You're my kind of girl, Nancy... drunk.
Hawkeye!
- Are you a ventriloquist?
- Mm-mm. It's your roomie.
- You were shooting craps with the chaplain.
- Frank had an accident.
Give him a mop and tell him
to be more careful.
Give me a hand. I'm serious.
I hate him when he's serious.
I'll be right back.
What's the matter?
- It's his back.
- How'd it happen?
- Well, I...
- He fell, on his way to the shower.
He was coming from that direction,
from his tent, I guess,
going in that direction, the showers.
Were you directing traffic
at the time of the accident?
Don't get snippy, Captain!
- Do you have a history with your back?
- It goes out every few years.
Last time was VJ Day in Times Square,
when this big sailor hugged me.
String him up in Post-Op.
Maybe traction will help.
Traction helps.
A day or two in traction and I...
- Wait, I'm the doctor here.
- I thought I was the doctor here.
We're all doctors here.
The patient's a doctor here.
Here, here.
Will you clowns act like professionals?
That man is hurt. He's probably in shock.
He'll be in divorce court if you don't
erase the tracks from your tent.
- Frank, how goes it?
- He's resting comfortably, Colonel.
Thank you, Major. Any pain, Frank?
Muscle spasms this morning,
but readjusting the traction helped.
Thank you.
- Radar, give me...
- Yes, sir.
- Thank you.
- Welcome.
I wonder if we could discuss this, Frank.
It seems you've applied for the Purple Heart.
Yes. The way we understand it...
Major, unless Frank's tongue's broken,
I'd like to hear it from him.
Frank?
Yes, Colonel, I've... put in
for the Purple Heart.
According to your accident report, you
tripped in the mud on the way to the shower.
Yes.
Is that how you want it announced
at the awards ceremony?
"Tripped in the mud
on the way to the shower"?
Well, I...
Sir, this injury was sustained
at a frontline unit.
Technically, that makes it battle-connected.
On that basis, we should give
medals for social diseases.
- Why are you here?
- I have a stethoscope fetish.
I can wear one here
without attracting attention.
- You won't endorse this idiot's application?
- That's "Major" to you!
You won't endorse this major idiot's
application, will you?
Pierce, that's a decision I'll decide
when I decide and make my decision,
and that will, uh, decide.
Doc!
Doc!
Take it easy, kid. I'm a doctor.
Ohh... But I need Dr Pierce.
He's the only one who can help me.
I'm Pierce. What's the problem?
You're my problem. I think I love you.
Tommy!
- You're a beautiful sight.
- What are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
I'm an American soldier. I'm a good guy.
I thought you had a way to beat the draft.
The recruiting sergeant peeked
under my dress, and here I am.
Henry, meet my friend, Tommy Gillis.
- Tommy, Henry Blake.
- Henry, you're a beautiful sight!
Well, uh, how's it going, uh... Tommy?
He writes a poem to his teacher
called "Ode to a Pretty Teacher".
How long have you two nuts
known each other?
What time is it?
Right now, 15 years.
More than that. It was
in grammar school, fourth grade.
Fifth grade, remember?
He was a wonderful child.
He was a bit of a sissy.
- But he was a great milk monitor.
- A milk monitor!
That was a responsible position.
It was the Depression.
Anybody with milk carried a lot of weight.
Maxine.
What is a guy like you, with
your background, doing in the infantry?
Why aren't you a correspondent?
I'm keeping my country
safe from Communism.
You used to be a Communist!
I'm keeping my country safe from me.
I'll drink to that.
If I was a correspondent,
I'd report the war. In the infantry, I live it.
So what's the difference?
Here.
Here's the difference.
You Never Hear the Bullet. Is that the book?
Yeah, it's about the war. And it's being
written by a soldier, not a correspondent.
How can I explain it to you?
OK, there's always that big blond kid
in all those war movies.
The one that shouldn't die but does.
Yeah, and they bring him
back to life in the next movie.
Right. You always hear this big,
loud ricochet just before he gets killed.
Well...
that's not the way it really happens.
There was a young blond kid in our outfit.
One day I looked over
and half of him was gone.
And you know what he said?
He said "I never heard no bullet."
That's why that book is called what it's called.
Let's get drunk.
- I'll drink to that.
- I never drink.
Pierce, McIntyre, report to surgery.
- What was that?
- Him. He hates it when we drink.
Stick around. We'll be back later.
You aren't gonna prance off and leave me?
I live in a small tent with three guys.
"Prance" makes me nervous.
Make yourself at home. We'll be back.
Thanks, but half-time's over.
I better get back to the war.
Oh. Say goodbye to Henry for me.
He'll understand.
You're a genuine lunatic.
Come back and see us.
Right, we'll split a nurse.
So, dumbbell, when will I see you again?
- That's up to the North Koreans.
- Tell 'em I sent you.
You still owe me for a pint of milk.
Multiple lacerations,
contusions and abrasions.
- Looks like somebody bit him.
- The North uses bamboo sticks, but biting?
The North didn't do it. He did.
What do you mean? This guy bit that guy?
A fight.
This one has almost identical injuries,
plus a severed ear.
That'll teach him to listen.
Let me see that.
- Why were they fighting?
- Nobody knows.
- This one over here is an appendectomy.
- Great. No battle-inflicted wounds.
Look, we can have time to do this
and still be crocked before dinner.
Nancy, prep the appendectomy,
and we'll sew up Zale and Graziano.
Father Mulcahy, are you all right?
Just out of breath. I ran from chapel.
You ran for nothing, padre.
No last rites today.
Thank heaven.
Could I show you something
in a "get well" prayer?
That's good.
OK, tie it off. Got it?
Yeah, I got it, I got it.
OK, lighten up on him.
Ugh! Appendixes make me sick.
Sutures.
D'you see his chest? Hardly a hair on it.
Maybe we got ourselves a flat-chested WAC.
He's thin about the chest and waist.
Yeah.
"Private Wendell Peterson, Marine Corps."
I'd swear this kid is really a kid.
I guess if they're tall enough to reach
the trigger, they're old enough to enlist.
- A question...
- The answer is yes.
We're not going to be interrupted again,
are we?
My folks won't be home for hours.
Frank is in traction
and Trapper's watching a movie.
And you don't think that
he might leave the movie?
And walk out on Debra Paget?
Hurry, please. It's Major Burns.
Tell him to get his own girl.
He's in pain. He wants to see you.
Remember where we were.
Tell him where it hurts, Frank.
Don't be brave.
Why don't you go boil some water
or something?
- You're a four-star hypochondriac.
- But the pain!
The only pain around here
is the one you two are giving me.
Please, I don't wanna go home.
Please...
I'll just stay here.
Don't reach for your appendix, kid.
It's gone. How do you feel?
All ready to go out and
kill me some more gooks, sir.
Wendell, another word
for "gooks" is "people".
I mean the North Koreans.
The Chinese, sir, the enemy.
I'm a marine. We're the best.
I'm a coward. We're the worst.
- When can I go back to my outfit?
- A few more weeks.
- Depends on your postoperative pain.
- I don't care about no pain.
- I want to get back to fightin'.
- How old are you?
20.
Really, I'm 18.
For somebody who's both 20 and 18,
you look awfully 16 to me.
See ya later.
What did you do while I was gone?
I drank...
And I filed my nails...
And I looked through a dirty book
I found on your shelf behind Arrowsmith.
Dirty book? It's Snow White
and the Seven Dwarfs.
Oh. Then how come one
of the dwarfs is named Leather?
- Hawkeye?
- Hot Lips, if you don't get out, I'll shoot you.
It's not Hot Lips. It's Radar.
Radar, if you don't get out,
I'll shoot Hot Lips.
There's trouble in the Post-Op.
- What is it - Frank again?
- No, a fight! Hurry up!
I'll see ya.
Wait here, OK?
I'll be right back.
Watch it! The back!
The back! Watch the back!
OK, break it up! Break it up!
Cut it out. Come on, come on.
Now, what's all this about?
What's going on?
- He stole my salami.
- You lousy liar!
Knock it off! Knock it off!
If you meatballs ripped out those stitches,
I'll put them back with staples. You got that?
- He stole my salami. I smell it on his breath!
- Wait a second!
If I get you each a salami, will you stop
fighting? At least until your stitches heal?
- Kosher?
- Kosher.
OK.
All right. Come here. Radar!
Sir?
If they give you any more trouble,
beat them senseless with their own salamis.
Aye aye, sir.
As your doctor, I'd advise you to
lay off hot-wiring jeeps for a few days.
You're not sendin' me home.
For an appendix? If they sent you home
for that, I'd take my own out...
every other day. Come on.
Crummy appendix.
If it hadn't been for that,
I'd still be with my outfit.
Maybe even get that medal
and show that Bernice.
- Bernice? That your sergeant?
- It's my girl.
She was, anyway.
We was going steady, then she dumps me,
cos Augie Hofstetter
comes back from boot camp.
It ain't my fault I'm too young to join up!
You 16?
- Almost.
- Did you use a phoney birth certificate?
- My brother's.
- What about your folks?
They think I joined the circus.
Sent 'em postcards with elephants on it.
They don't know the difference.
But you see...
if I was a hero, with a medal and everything,
I just know Bernice'd beg me to come back.
- Look, Wendell...
- Walter.
- Wendell's my brother's name.
- Right.
I wonder if any girl worth having
cares whether you have a medal or not.
It's none of my business.
If you wanna play marine, that's up to you.
Just come inside and
let yourself heal for a few days.
And I won't turn you in. OK?
Gee, Captain... for an army guy, you're OK.
Who's in the army?
I just wear this uniform because
my saddle shoes clash with blood.
- She's not there.
- What are you talking about?
Attention, all medical personnel.
That's what I'm talking about.
A whole regiment took it in the teeth
a while ago. It'll be a long night.
Give me some suction. I can't see anything.
All right, good.
How many does this make?
Ask Colonel Blake.
He puts notches in his scalpel.
Dr Pierce, this one's very shocky.
- Trapper, can you finish for me?
- Sure, go ahead. Yeah, OK.
Pierce, I heard that little remark.
Good. Then we won't have to
amputate your ears, Henry.
I'd give you a kiss, but I... can't lift my head.
You'd just get my mask icky.
He's had 10 milligrams of morphine.
Pressure 80 over 50.
Give me some O-negative blood!
The blood's for me. I'm anaemic.
Henry, I need your help.
Start an IV with a large-bore needle.
Get over there and help me.
70 over 50.
Wanna hear a funny one?
I heard the bullet coming.
Just like in the movies.
So you'll change the title of the book,
that's all.
Sometimes You Hear the Bullet.
It's a better title.
60.
They got the aorta.
Give me some retraction and suction.
Father Mulcahy.
I can't get a pressure.
- We've lost the pulse.
- I'm gonna open the chest. Give me a knife.
- I said give me a knife!
- Pierce...
Go help McIntyre.
Come on, move. We're jammed up in here.
Pierce, is there anything I can do to help?
This is the first time I've cried
since I came to this crummy place.
I don't understand that.
Well, Gillis was your friend.
I mean, it's only natural
that you'd... you know.
I know why I'm crying now. Tommy was my
friend and I watched him die and I'm crying.
I've watched guys die almost every day.
Why didn't I ever cry for them?
Because you're a doctor.
What the hell does that mean?
I don't know.
If I had the answer, I'd be at the Mayo Clinic.
Does this place look like the Mayo Clinic?
All I know is what they taught me
at command school.
There are certain rules about a war.
And rule number one is: young men die.
And rule number two is:
doctors can't change rule number one.
You believe that?
I don't know.
Do you?
I don't know. But I know one doctor who can
keep one young man from dying in one war.
Major Houlihan?
This is Private Wendell Peterson,
US Marines.
Except his name is really Walter and he's 15,
and he's going back home where he belongs.
Put a guard on him and give him
to the MPs as soon as he's well.
You double-crosser.
I'll never forgive you for this!
Not for the rest of my life!
Let's hope it's a long and healthy hate.
"And because said injuries were sustained
at a MASH unit in a zone of armed combat,
the Secretary of the Army hereby declares
that Franklin D Burns, Major,
- US Army Reserve...
- Sir?
...shall be awarded
the Order of the Purple Heart.
- Sir?
- May I have the medal, please?
Frank, here is your Purple Earring.
Earring? What the...
Having your appendix out at a line unit
qualified you for a Purple Heart.
- Gee, you really got it for me fast, Hawkeye.
- There are ways.
- Give my love to Bernice.
- I will.
- Have a good trip, Wendell.
- Walter.
Both of you.
- Out of the way. Move.
- Aren't we grumpy today!
What do you expect?
Somebody's stolen Frank's medal!
It's not everybody who wins a Purple Earring.
- Frank.
You don't know what it does to me,
being near you in surgery,
only able to touch you
through rubber gloves.
Dance?
- You all right?
- Oh, yes.
It's just this song. It gives me goose bumps.
I'm the same way about
"Pennsylvania 6-5000".
Ohh, you're so light on your feet.
I was voted "Most Graceful"
in my class at Veloz and Yolanda.
Oh, Frank.
Frank, that's marvellous, but the blood
is beginning to rush to my head.
It's not marvellous, Margaret.
It's my back. I can't move.
Frank, don't moan.
When a man's in pain, he has to moan.
No, not unless he wants to
get caught in a lady's tent.
I won't moan a word.
But we've got to do something.
Can't you let go of me?
I'll try.
Now... go get help.
But they'll see us... dressed like this...
In my tent! With a candle.
And "I'm in the Mood for Love".
But, Margaret... I need help!
And you'll get help, my darling...
but not in my tent!
I don't think I should be here, Hawkeye.
War's a dirty business.
No one should be here.
I mean in your tent.
My tent's a dirty business too,
but it's more fun than the war.
Wait. I have an olive for your martini.
Olive? There aren't any olives in Korea.
There are at least a dozen
right here in this jar. From China.
- Communist China?
- I never talk politics with an olive.
But they do come from up there?
How?
Let's just say I know a Red on the
black market who gets me green olives.
- That's terrible.
- Those dumb commies.
That's why they'll lose. You can't
conquer the world with a shoddy olive.
Hitler found that out.
This is sensational.
You're my kind of girl, Nancy... drunk.
Hawkeye!
- Are you a ventriloquist?
- Mm-mm. It's your roomie.
- You were shooting craps with the chaplain.
- Frank had an accident.
Give him a mop and tell him
to be more careful.
Give me a hand. I'm serious.
I hate him when he's serious.
I'll be right back.
What's the matter?
- It's his back.
- How'd it happen?
- Well, I...
- He fell, on his way to the shower.
He was coming from that direction,
from his tent, I guess,
going in that direction, the showers.
Were you directing traffic
at the time of the accident?
Don't get snippy, Captain!
- Do you have a history with your back?
- It goes out every few years.
Last time was VJ Day in Times Square,
when this big sailor hugged me.
String him up in Post-Op.
Maybe traction will help.
Traction helps.
A day or two in traction and I...
- Wait, I'm the doctor here.
- I thought I was the doctor here.
We're all doctors here.
The patient's a doctor here.
Here, here.
Will you clowns act like professionals?
That man is hurt. He's probably in shock.
He'll be in divorce court if you don't
erase the tracks from your tent.
- Frank, how goes it?
- He's resting comfortably, Colonel.
Thank you, Major. Any pain, Frank?
Muscle spasms this morning,
but readjusting the traction helped.
Thank you.
- Radar, give me...
- Yes, sir.
- Thank you.
- Welcome.
I wonder if we could discuss this, Frank.
It seems you've applied for the Purple Heart.
Yes. The way we understand it...
Major, unless Frank's tongue's broken,
I'd like to hear it from him.
Frank?
Yes, Colonel, I've... put in
for the Purple Heart.
According to your accident report, you
tripped in the mud on the way to the shower.
Yes.
Is that how you want it announced
at the awards ceremony?
"Tripped in the mud
on the way to the shower"?
Well, I...
Sir, this injury was sustained
at a frontline unit.
Technically, that makes it battle-connected.
On that basis, we should give
medals for social diseases.
- Why are you here?
- I have a stethoscope fetish.
I can wear one here
without attracting attention.
- You won't endorse this idiot's application?
- That's "Major" to you!
You won't endorse this major idiot's
application, will you?
Pierce, that's a decision I'll decide
when I decide and make my decision,
and that will, uh, decide.
Doc!
Doc!
Take it easy, kid. I'm a doctor.
Ohh... But I need Dr Pierce.
He's the only one who can help me.
I'm Pierce. What's the problem?
You're my problem. I think I love you.
Tommy!
- You're a beautiful sight.
- What are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
I'm an American soldier. I'm a good guy.
I thought you had a way to beat the draft.
The recruiting sergeant peeked
under my dress, and here I am.
Henry, meet my friend, Tommy Gillis.
- Tommy, Henry Blake.
- Henry, you're a beautiful sight!
Well, uh, how's it going, uh... Tommy?
He writes a poem to his teacher
called "Ode to a Pretty Teacher".
How long have you two nuts
known each other?
What time is it?
Right now, 15 years.
More than that. It was
in grammar school, fourth grade.
Fifth grade, remember?
He was a wonderful child.
He was a bit of a sissy.
- But he was a great milk monitor.
- A milk monitor!
That was a responsible position.
It was the Depression.
Anybody with milk carried a lot of weight.
Maxine.
What is a guy like you, with
your background, doing in the infantry?
Why aren't you a correspondent?
I'm keeping my country
safe from Communism.
You used to be a Communist!
I'm keeping my country safe from me.
I'll drink to that.
If I was a correspondent,
I'd report the war. In the infantry, I live it.
So what's the difference?
Here.
Here's the difference.
You Never Hear the Bullet. Is that the book?
Yeah, it's about the war. And it's being
written by a soldier, not a correspondent.
How can I explain it to you?
OK, there's always that big blond kid
in all those war movies.
The one that shouldn't die but does.
Yeah, and they bring him
back to life in the next movie.
Right. You always hear this big,
loud ricochet just before he gets killed.
Well...
that's not the way it really happens.
There was a young blond kid in our outfit.
One day I looked over
and half of him was gone.
And you know what he said?
He said "I never heard no bullet."
That's why that book is called what it's called.
Let's get drunk.
- I'll drink to that.
- I never drink.
Pierce, McIntyre, report to surgery.
- What was that?
- Him. He hates it when we drink.
Stick around. We'll be back later.
You aren't gonna prance off and leave me?
I live in a small tent with three guys.
"Prance" makes me nervous.
Make yourself at home. We'll be back.
Thanks, but half-time's over.
I better get back to the war.
Oh. Say goodbye to Henry for me.
He'll understand.
You're a genuine lunatic.
Come back and see us.
Right, we'll split a nurse.
So, dumbbell, when will I see you again?
- That's up to the North Koreans.
- Tell 'em I sent you.
You still owe me for a pint of milk.
Multiple lacerations,
contusions and abrasions.
- Looks like somebody bit him.
- The North uses bamboo sticks, but biting?
The North didn't do it. He did.
What do you mean? This guy bit that guy?
A fight.
This one has almost identical injuries,
plus a severed ear.
That'll teach him to listen.
Let me see that.
- Why were they fighting?
- Nobody knows.
- This one over here is an appendectomy.
- Great. No battle-inflicted wounds.
Look, we can have time to do this
and still be crocked before dinner.
Nancy, prep the appendectomy,
and we'll sew up Zale and Graziano.
Father Mulcahy, are you all right?
Just out of breath. I ran from chapel.
You ran for nothing, padre.
No last rites today.
Thank heaven.
Could I show you something
in a "get well" prayer?
That's good.
OK, tie it off. Got it?
Yeah, I got it, I got it.
OK, lighten up on him.
Ugh! Appendixes make me sick.
Sutures.
D'you see his chest? Hardly a hair on it.
Maybe we got ourselves a flat-chested WAC.
He's thin about the chest and waist.
Yeah.
"Private Wendell Peterson, Marine Corps."
I'd swear this kid is really a kid.
I guess if they're tall enough to reach
the trigger, they're old enough to enlist.
- A question...
- The answer is yes.
We're not going to be interrupted again,
are we?
My folks won't be home for hours.
Frank is in traction
and Trapper's watching a movie.
And you don't think that
he might leave the movie?
And walk out on Debra Paget?
Hurry, please. It's Major Burns.
Tell him to get his own girl.
He's in pain. He wants to see you.
Remember where we were.
Tell him where it hurts, Frank.
Don't be brave.
Why don't you go boil some water
or something?
- You're a four-star hypochondriac.
- But the pain!
The only pain around here
is the one you two are giving me.
Please, I don't wanna go home.
Please...
I'll just stay here.
Don't reach for your appendix, kid.
It's gone. How do you feel?
All ready to go out and
kill me some more gooks, sir.
Wendell, another word
for "gooks" is "people".
I mean the North Koreans.
The Chinese, sir, the enemy.
I'm a marine. We're the best.
I'm a coward. We're the worst.
- When can I go back to my outfit?
- A few more weeks.
- Depends on your postoperative pain.
- I don't care about no pain.
- I want to get back to fightin'.
- How old are you?
20.
Really, I'm 18.
For somebody who's both 20 and 18,
you look awfully 16 to me.
See ya later.
What did you do while I was gone?
I drank...
And I filed my nails...
And I looked through a dirty book
I found on your shelf behind Arrowsmith.
Dirty book? It's Snow White
and the Seven Dwarfs.
Oh. Then how come one
of the dwarfs is named Leather?
- Hawkeye?
- Hot Lips, if you don't get out, I'll shoot you.
It's not Hot Lips. It's Radar.
Radar, if you don't get out,
I'll shoot Hot Lips.
There's trouble in the Post-Op.
- What is it - Frank again?
- No, a fight! Hurry up!
I'll see ya.
Wait here, OK?
I'll be right back.
Watch it! The back!
The back! Watch the back!
OK, break it up! Break it up!
Cut it out. Come on, come on.
Now, what's all this about?
What's going on?
- He stole my salami.
- You lousy liar!
Knock it off! Knock it off!
If you meatballs ripped out those stitches,
I'll put them back with staples. You got that?
- He stole my salami. I smell it on his breath!
- Wait a second!
If I get you each a salami, will you stop
fighting? At least until your stitches heal?
- Kosher?
- Kosher.
OK.
All right. Come here. Radar!
Sir?
If they give you any more trouble,
beat them senseless with their own salamis.
Aye aye, sir.
As your doctor, I'd advise you to
lay off hot-wiring jeeps for a few days.
You're not sendin' me home.
For an appendix? If they sent you home
for that, I'd take my own out...
every other day. Come on.
Crummy appendix.
If it hadn't been for that,
I'd still be with my outfit.
Maybe even get that medal
and show that Bernice.
- Bernice? That your sergeant?
- It's my girl.
She was, anyway.
We was going steady, then she dumps me,
cos Augie Hofstetter
comes back from boot camp.
It ain't my fault I'm too young to join up!
You 16?
- Almost.
- Did you use a phoney birth certificate?
- My brother's.
- What about your folks?
They think I joined the circus.
Sent 'em postcards with elephants on it.
They don't know the difference.
But you see...
if I was a hero, with a medal and everything,
I just know Bernice'd beg me to come back.
- Look, Wendell...
- Walter.
- Wendell's my brother's name.
- Right.
I wonder if any girl worth having
cares whether you have a medal or not.
It's none of my business.
If you wanna play marine, that's up to you.
Just come inside and
let yourself heal for a few days.
And I won't turn you in. OK?
Gee, Captain... for an army guy, you're OK.
Who's in the army?
I just wear this uniform because
my saddle shoes clash with blood.
- She's not there.
- What are you talking about?
Attention, all medical personnel.
That's what I'm talking about.
A whole regiment took it in the teeth
a while ago. It'll be a long night.
Give me some suction. I can't see anything.
All right, good.
How many does this make?
Ask Colonel Blake.
He puts notches in his scalpel.
Dr Pierce, this one's very shocky.
- Trapper, can you finish for me?
- Sure, go ahead. Yeah, OK.
Pierce, I heard that little remark.
Good. Then we won't have to
amputate your ears, Henry.
I'd give you a kiss, but I... can't lift my head.
You'd just get my mask icky.
He's had 10 milligrams of morphine.
Pressure 80 over 50.
Give me some O-negative blood!
The blood's for me. I'm anaemic.
Henry, I need your help.
Start an IV with a large-bore needle.
Get over there and help me.
70 over 50.
Wanna hear a funny one?
I heard the bullet coming.
Just like in the movies.
So you'll change the title of the book,
that's all.
Sometimes You Hear the Bullet.
It's a better title.
60.
They got the aorta.
Give me some retraction and suction.
Father Mulcahy.
I can't get a pressure.
- We've lost the pulse.
- I'm gonna open the chest. Give me a knife.
- I said give me a knife!
- Pierce...
Go help McIntyre.
Come on, move. We're jammed up in here.
Pierce, is there anything I can do to help?
This is the first time I've cried
since I came to this crummy place.
I don't understand that.
Well, Gillis was your friend.
I mean, it's only natural
that you'd... you know.
I know why I'm crying now. Tommy was my
friend and I watched him die and I'm crying.
I've watched guys die almost every day.
Why didn't I ever cry for them?
Because you're a doctor.
What the hell does that mean?
I don't know.
If I had the answer, I'd be at the Mayo Clinic.
Does this place look like the Mayo Clinic?
All I know is what they taught me
at command school.
There are certain rules about a war.
And rule number one is: young men die.
And rule number two is:
doctors can't change rule number one.
You believe that?
I don't know.
Do you?
I don't know. But I know one doctor who can
keep one young man from dying in one war.
Major Houlihan?
This is Private Wendell Peterson,
US Marines.
Except his name is really Walter and he's 15,
and he's going back home where he belongs.
Put a guard on him and give him
to the MPs as soon as he's well.
You double-crosser.
I'll never forgive you for this!
Not for the rest of my life!
Let's hope it's a long and healthy hate.
"And because said injuries were sustained
at a MASH unit in a zone of armed combat,
the Secretary of the Army hereby declares
that Franklin D Burns, Major,
- US Army Reserve...
- Sir?
...shall be awarded
the Order of the Purple Heart.
- Sir?
- May I have the medal, please?
Frank, here is your Purple Earring.
Earring? What the...
Having your appendix out at a line unit
qualified you for a Purple Heart.
- Gee, you really got it for me fast, Hawkeye.
- There are ways.
- Give my love to Bernice.
- I will.
- Have a good trip, Wendell.
- Walter.
Both of you.
- Out of the way. Move.
- Aren't we grumpy today!
What do you expect?
Somebody's stolen Frank's medal!
It's not everybody who wins a Purple Earring.